The Space in Between

Music. Greetings, Dateology community. This is your host, Candice Thompson, and I am back for another pop-in episode.

I love you all to know, first off, that Dateology now has an Instagram. And it is Dateology underscore events. And the purpose of that Instagram is we have done an event most recently back in November, which was fun, at a brewery and fairly successful with a great even amount of men and women. And it was a really good time. And after that event, which was meant honestly to be a one-off, we got a ton of requests to keep the events going.

And people are really excited about having in-person opportunities to meet one another. So there is another event actually this Friday, January 17th in Menlo Park. And you can find information on that event at dateology underscore events. There is also an event bright to purchase tickets for that event and the ticket includes one drink and appetizers and then an opportunity to join us.

So please come to that and I will say right now we have an abundance of women who have signed up and not as much men And if you are a man listening to this right now, or you have a single friend in your life who you think could benefit from this event, please, I urge you to come because I don't know if there's just more women eager to come to an event like this or if there's just been better marketing reach to women, but we could really, really use a robust group of men.

So please come and check that out. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with you all in person again. And that's one thing I keep hearing over and over from individuals is that now that things are back in person and life has resumed its normalcy, that people don't really want to do online dating.

Also, I'm learning that a lot of online platforms that used to be free back in my day when I was single, that they are really trying to monetize, which makes sense for those companies, but it means that you have to pay in to get matches. And I think people are just less likely to want to do that anymore. And I understand that's lowering the pool of opportunities online. So in-person seems like the next return to meeting people.

And for some of you, there might be natural opportunities like being at a church with a young adults or singles group or being at a church that's just more single heavy, having a work environment where there's a lot of single individuals or other hobbies. And then for a lot of other people, you might work at home and there's not those same opportunities.

So events seem to be the place. So daydology is happy to be a part of that right now while the need is high and other people aren't fulfilling that need as much.

So one thing I wanted to jump in today, just to give you all a little word of encouragement and a nugget of knowledge, something that I've been thinking about that's come up several times in my practice and just a concept that I've been noodling on in my own life. And that is what relationships, what do we create when we are with someone, when we're looking to start a relationship with someone or once we're in that dating and then long-term partnership.

And what struck me and probably one of the biggest mistakes that I made when I was single is thinking more about the other individual person that I was interested in. And having my motives being about my infatuation for them or my interest in them, rather than really focusing on like, what do we together create? And so shifting that focus again from, I really like this person. I want to get to know them. I'm intrigued with them.

And there's always, of course, that is the initial, like what draws us to someone is, you know, attraction and our infatuation. But some relationships stay there. Some relationships are heavy where one person is really idealizes the other person or both of you are just so like love struck with one another, even with incompatibility or the relationship having a lot of toxicity or just not functioning well.

So my encouragement today is to really think about what helps, what indicates if relationship is actually functioning well versus being more in that like, oh, we love each other and so we're going to...

Kind of force it to work together. And to peek behind the curtain of what those marriages look like, and I've certainly worked with plenty of them in my practice, is you have two people that, are infatuated and wanted to make it work, but they fight all the time, and there's a lot of disagreements, and there isn't a smooth life. And so certainly we can pick partners that can create more ease in daily living and partners that can make life a little more difficult.

And that's outside of the situations that life circumstances will bring that are unseen when we first meet somebody.

And so what I'm talking about is the space in between two people. What are you creating? And so the things that come to my mind when I see relationships that create really well together are people that develop a joint value system, purpose, that they're engaged in their community, that they bring in people together, that they form friendships and have a sense of purpose in what they do, you know, maybe in service or in the way that their ethos are for the way that they live their life.

And that can include all sorts of things. It doesn't mean you have to go into business together or have to create a ministry with one another. But certainly when you're together, you create rhythms of life. And then, you know, ultimately, you can create a family and other human beings. And it's so important when you're dating to be mindful of, you know, are we getting along? Are we on the same page more often than not?

Are we in the same direction when it comes to things like our finances, how we spend our time, the type of people we spend our time with, you know, our religious beliefs, our political beliefs. Of course, there's a margin here for differences. And. I think we're drawn to what's different from us because we learn from that and there's energy in seeing things in other people that we wish we had within ourselves.

But think about the degree to that that the conflict you two can move through more easily versus relationship where that degree of difference creates so much tension. And something that I heard recently, and I don't know where the research comes from. But some therapist told me that she had read, when you were dating, you show up 20% more likable than you do once you're in a long-term committed and marital relationship.

And so how that's helpful is to think about if you are having a lot of conflict in your relationship during dating, ask yourself, if this is 20% worse, could I tolerate that?

And be really honest with that answer, because if you're having a really rough time in a relationship and you're constantly making justifications for your partner's actions or you're rationalizing behaviors away, or you're just flat out miserable and you think, you know, this will get better when X, Y, Z, when, you know, their certain project at work is over, when they're done with graduate school, when they have made X amount of money.

If you're constantly making rationale like that, if 20% worse sounds unlivable to you, then that is a really big clue that the relationship is not worth it.

And it can be very hard. I certainly empathize with if you're in that position and you're dating someone and you see that you don't want to be together long term, but the attachment is already built. And that attachment is real and it's hard to get over. And certainly for those of you that aren't in a committed relationship right now, please take this knowledge and think about that when you're just in the first stages of dating someone. Constantly be asking yourself, is this moving smoothly?

Is this a relationship that I can develop? Is there worse things? Tolerable? And would 20 more percent of that negativity be something that I can live with? Am I showing up as a better version of myself? Are we creating something that we could do better together than alone? Use that to navigate and discern relationships from the onset.

And for those of you that might be listening and already in a relationship, and if you were in front of me would say, but Candice, you know, I love him or her so much. And I know what you're talking about. It's not the best, but I really love them. I want to see them change. First off, my heart goes out to you. I've been there.

And I encourage you to be really prayerful and seek out wisdom around this. You know, people aren't joking when they say that marriage is hard. And if you have questions about that, this is also a space where if you feel deficient, and being able to answer what that looks like for you, please seek out a therapist. Building out your own sense of identity in singlehood is so important to know.

If you know you well, then you're gonna know what compatibility with you looks like and what vision for your own life looks like.

If you have a hard time knowing who you are and what's important to you and your value systems, when you date, it's easier to be a chameleon and to either just say yes to whatever someone else is doing and what their value systems are, or you don't realize why you're feeling offended and your boundaries are crossed because you don't already have that strong sense of self.

So develop that sense of self first. A silly thing I heard on the radio the other day that I just thought was such a great nugget was they said, don't be... Interested, be interesting. And so this whole idea of focus on your self-growth, knowing yourself, having a robust sense of community and purpose and hobby and life rhythms.

And when you bring that to the table, if the other person has also focused their life on developing themselves, then together it's easier to sync up and to focus on that in between space rather than just being focused on being interested in each other. And that, you know, science shows that the first stage of love fills us with all sorts of yummy rushes of hormones that just kind of make us dizzy and excited and longing for the other person.

But that does not last. It really is just an introductory phase of love and infatuation. And then we move on, our bodies no longer create those type of chemicals. And we move on into what's called like the cuddle hormones. And those are the hormones that help us stay in long-term relationships.

However, those hormones are not as strong. And so if you are miserable and fighting all the time and wasting your life. Frustrated your partner, that initial love that you felt is going to go away and you're left with whatever is or is not built up in between the two of you. So that's my nugget for today. I hope that it's helpful.

I think oftentimes it's just having language and some direction of focus for relationships because based on who your parents are and how well you have, you know, been taught and raised, people don't always know what is my ethic for dating? What am I even looking for in relationships. And, you know, we take sometimes what we see other people or movies or books, television shows, love songs, and we try to impose our expectations for love and compatibility onto that.

And those can often be unreliable resources. So books that I recommend if anyone wants to learn more about like the science behind love. I love the book, How to Get the Love That You Want by the Hendrixes. It's Harville Hendricks. And I believe his wife's name is Helen. They're two psychologists that are married and they have incredible books just on science. And that book is how we are attracted to one another.

And it helps you think through the unseen chemical draws and how to be really mindful of that so that you... Really thoughtful about who you date and who you're attracted to. And don't only follow your emotional whims because sometimes we just follow our emotions or we get overly spiritual with relationships and we think like, you know, God wants this for us and God is wildly logical and practical. And if you look at Proverbs, God so values wisdom.

And so as you date, use that logic? Is this fun? Is it working? Are we drawing people in? Are we actually living our value systems? Are we able to do things for the kingdom or contribute to others? Or are we so frustrated and miserable or so self-obsessed with one another that there's nothing being created in between and we're just either fighting with one another or kind of overly involved with one another.

Those are my thoughts for today. Let me know what you think. Please join the Instagram. It's baby brand new, but it's another opportunity if you want to stay connected or ask questions to drop messages there and follow along to hear about any of our upcoming events. And again, like shout out to any male out there who is interested in dating, please check out our events.

Last time it was a really great match of, I think we overall had maybe 16 people came and it was about eight and eight male to female ratio, which is what I'm really looking for so that people don't come in to just hang out, but you're coming to meet singles. And so my dedication right now is to do my best to have even numbers. And part of that is marketing and reaching out to the young men.

If you're a female and you're interested in this too, of course, please come, but bring a guy with you so that other people can, can find those to get to know. So thank you so much for listening as always. It's such a blessing to be here and to hopefully giving you some nuggets of truth and inspiration so that you can be healthy daters and healthy, holistic beings overall. Thanks so much for. Music.