The Dildo Monster of Dildo Pond

Hey everyone real quick before the episode begins I just want to say thank you so much for all your support and you know sharing the content sharing the posts It really means a lot to us With that said real quick if you guys don't mind it'd be really awesome If you guys could go rate and review the show either on Spotify or Apple both places are where most people Find the show so if you could just take a second do that it really helps us out gets the show you know into more ears and

Just kind of helps push it in the algorithm. I don't even know if either of those things have an algorithm don't care whatever If you could please just rate and review the show wherever you can it really helps us out And if you don't like the show You know rate and review it anyways just Whatever and also if you can support us through patreon it really helps us out It's five dollars a month right now

We're kind of lacking on actually like doing anything for it, but just in general it just helps us out We have a goal of hopefully one day being able to record in the same room Which we have never done which would be fucking awesome, but also Helping us get to different You know cryptid festivals whatever just you know help us get out there and meet some of you guys

So it really helps five dollars a month. Maybe we'll do different tiers I feel like five dollars a month isn't enough to really you know Do it you know it's a lot for people who don't have a lot right now because inflation is wild But it just just you know You do what you can if not you know whatever anyways Enjoy the show You need to find this royalty-free brand Make Lyrics to that song

Everybody welcome back to another episode of cryptic cocktail party a show where we have a few drinks share a few laughs take a dive Into the unknown I'm your host Dave, and I'm joined as always by Sarge the Destroyer aka What is this liberal liberal Satanist baby eater and I am Dave your Sigma male podcast hosts parentheses God tear Hello everyone hello, I I am I am sick I had a fever this morning, but I drank a Red Bull

So we're ready to do this and then after I'm gonna take a nap well as a sigma male podcaster parentheses God dear It's all in your mind man. All right. This is all yeah, it's all it's all mental gymnastics

You got a fucking just stand up. Don't be afraid. Don't don't go to any woke liberal doctors Don't take any fucking sort of medication because medication is a fucking sort of medication because medication Just invested enough in crypto I would feel better exactly that's what it is exactly so I have a new coin coming out It's called derp coin and what it is Supported fully by Logan Paul. Yeah, it's definitely not a pump and dump so if anyone wants to invest I'll need $700,000

That's just to get in the ground floor. Yeah. Yeah, and then there's a companion NFT of conservative talking heads in In their backyards trying to suntan the gooches Yes, I was gonna say so it starts out as that but then it evolves into just pictures of buttholes not like Like super close conservative buttholes. They're conservative buttholes though. So it's it's not gay because they're conservative

Yeah, I don't want to this fucking this alphabet army butthole going around. All right, this is all about This mail is manly books. Yeah, you speaking of manly butts. Did you guys hear the news?

You hear the news about the about grinder essentially almost crashing. Yes during the RNC. Oh, I love it so much There's a guy there's a I think it was a youtuber a tik tok video somebody at the RNC On grinder just flipping through profile after profile of dudes that are like within a certain geographic location it just it

It just makes me so happy. I just want to know like there's no way like they'd have to like, alright So come out boys live your best life But like if you're like a senator or whatever Republican senator who's like voting against like gay rights and all this stuff when you make a secret grinder profile or you they're clearly not using their like own Name and picture, right? There's no way cuz like

No, I didn't show any pictures. So then when you go to like meet That your date for the night or whatever They're gonna be like hey, aren't you fucking that guy that like wants to like make sure all my friends are dead But there's no aren't you Matt Gaetz? Dude That guy's eyebrows during the RNC. I don't He's looked just shocked the entire time. He's got he made he made a choice. He's got a lot of work done if he looks like Did you ever see that horror movie with D Snyder where?

No, I didn't I forget what to me. He just looked like Siegfried and Roy Yeah, I saw a tweet that was like he's he's one life partner and a Bengal tiger away from having a show in Vegas I was like, that's the most spot-on shit I've ever heard in my entire life. Oh But anyway, Sarge, how are you doing buddy? You're looking good. You're not feeling good, but you're looking good. I'm doing alright I'm doing alright. Yeah, it was an exciting weekend last weekend

Lots going on. I will I will preempt to preempt this by saying the shirt I'm wearing I did not buy because of what happened. I already owned this shirt and I had no idea I feel like I have to bring it up. I don't condone political violence unless it's like Warranted but it's okay to punch a Nazi, but try not to shoot them. Yeah, you know, that's not the right way to do things So this shirt is a ripoff of misfits shirt from JFK. Don't worry about it. I'm sorry

I wore it. I didn't realize I got a I got a comment on tik-tok from some guy who was like Liberals trying to take away our Second Amendment rights when they're not trying to assassinate the president and I was thinking to myself like

Wait, I thought we were supposed to be scared of guns now. We're using them. I don't understand how that works Yeah, so you guys said we didn't like guns, but now now we're gonna use them I love also shooting guns is hands down one of the funnest things like in New Hampshire We used to go to a sand dude and set up a bunch of spray paint cans And yeah, shoot him with shotguns And yeah, shoot him with shotguns shooting guns is awesome

It's so much by their logic like we're the biggest weenies and wussies in the world yet We tried to shoot a guy but also, you know that kid was a registered Republican Yeah

Yeah, crazy is crazy. It doesn't matter like it just follows the long trail Which is almost exclusively crazy white men trying to shoot American presidents There's only one woman in history who tried to kill an American president and that was one of Charles Manson's Followers squeaky from squeaky not gonna lie squeaky out of all those followers She can get it. She until she shaved her head once she shaved her head. Then she started to look a little bit

Not okay. I keep rubbing my fucking tits And I don't know why I think it's because that's the last time I mentioned squeaky from around you No, this is we were all hot and bothered. This is a separate thought. Okay? The other day I was I was hunched we were in New Hampshire and it's fucking hot as shit up there last weekend And I was like leaning forward and I realized like I have tits now and like I never understood boob sweat and now I'm like

Fuck, you know, it's a thing. It's not ideal. It's a thing But anyways moving along I get it at the gym when I'm when I'm working out I get the that's why I don't wear cotton Any more because it holds the moisture. I've got to wear wool Yeah, yeah Will keep you warm even a wool wool hair shirt. That's right. That's some that's some New Hampshire knowledge right there What if you will keeps you you gotta wear the wool? Yeah. No, I know that's why do you think?

Everyone from the Northeast wears flannel. That's right Yeah, you know and the and the in the Pacific in Northwest as well. Everyone calls us hipsters, but it's like dude You don't understand flannel is like the best thing to ever come out of anything ever In New Hampshire, you can just wear a flannel and a jean jacket in the middle of winter and you're warm as fuck

Yeah, it's soft. It's comfortable and it's warm. So yeah, maybe you're maybe you're maybe you should be a hipster If you want to stay alive in wintertime True, but I feel like hipsters they were plaid which isn't flannel, but it looks like flannel You know, right? Right. I think yeah, but well Fabric hold on. I say correct me if I'm wrong. I think flannel is the fabric the print is yes, but

Yes flannel is notorious for being plaid right right, but they're mutually they can be mutually exclusive. Yeah, what are we doing right now? You can have a plug. I don't I don't know we got off on a weird tangent How did we get from a presidential assassination to flannel shirts because hipsters anyway, please please don't try and kill former presidents Or current president. I was gonna say caveat and also it's gonna make things worse For those of us who for those of us who are you know?

Tired of old white people being the ones who make the decisions. Let's just try not to shoot him. All right, avoid it. Yeah Never ends. Well, it never ends. Well Except for John Hinckley jr. He's just strolling around DC. Totally fine, dude, Johnny no longer in prison He's fucking crushing it right now. He has a Spotify. He's putting out music and it's actually not bad

I'm so confused as to that weird turn of events when I'm in 1980. He was trying to impress Jodie Foster Here we are in in 2024 and he's Just king of the world and now Jodie Jodie Foster is impressed. So Congratulations, he wasn't trying to impress any Jodie Foster. He was trying to impress like 14 year old Yeah, that also adds a layer of grossness to the whole situation. It's not ideal Anyways, so Sarge. Yeah today. I have an episode for you and I decided I figured since in my absence last week

Which wasn't voluntary. I had to go take care of some things but to make it up to you. I wrote this episode Just for you. I'm so excited and I Get I'm so ready. I told you before the episode Because I wanted you to know this for a fact that what I'm about to tell you is a hundred percent real from a news article that I had found Okay, so

Whatever your thoughts are. I'm so excited. I cannot wait. All right. So today we are gonna travel to the great white north specifically Newfoundland Okay, for those who for those of you don't know Newfoundland is a large island located in the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador Which I thought were two separate things, but apparently it's one One so but anyways, it's always it. Yeah, it's like way the fault. I didn't know like it. This is like Arctic Circle shit now

Well, the island of Newfoundland is only about 30% of the province's landmass. It holds over 90% of the population And 60% of that population lives on the small southeastern Avalon Peninsula It's it's a cool place. There's lots to do if you like doing like cold shit, which we're from New England

So we kind of always have to do cold shit. Yeah, it's not it's not a matter of like it's a matter of survival. Yeah But there's a lot of like archaeological sites and whale watching trips, but There's one place on the island that really piqued my interest See I was scouring some of the cryptid subreddits and I like to do this from time to time just to get like inspiration Yeah, and I came across a news article someone had posted from the Vancouver Sun dated December 9th

1950 now this is just a year after Newfoundland had officially joined like the Union of Canada, which I didn't realize they would That's like really recently and I had no idea um but the head the headline of this article before they were just uh before they were just like a Like a club kind pretty much. Yeah But yeah, sarge. All right. So the headline the headline of this article in huge large black font simply read the dildo monster

So today sarge just as a little treat for you. We're going to be covering the dildo monster of dildo pond Dildo pond One can only imagine what filled it I'm not sure if you can see it. I'm not sure if you can see it. I'm not sure if you can see it

Again this is just for you, baby. All right, so so dildo monster. That's another name for Matt gates actually So dildo pond is six miles long and is located about a quarter mile from dildo harbor in Trinity Bay I do gotta say all jokes aside If your pond is six miles long, that's a lake and I did I did look up like the difference between like a lake and a pond and uh It's the difference between like a lake and a pond that there is no like real difference, I guess

Um, but to me it's like that quote about pornography where it's like I don't know how to define a lake, but I know one when I see one kind of thing I think that's actually the same definition for dildos It's like abraham lincoln once said anything's a dildo if you're brave enough All right Anywho, uh along the bank of dildo pond is already

Along the bank of dildo pond is blaketown. It's a small settlement of about 60 homes and four different saw mills uh Also many many satisfied women, but also all this information is coming from this single news article Uh, and it was written in 1950. So how true this is today like 70 years later. I have no idea But all this information is think about it as coming from the 1950s

1950s, okay, does that make sense? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah But the article goes on to say that out of blaketown's roughly 300 residents 15 of them who were quote-unquote adults of unquestioned integrity Have claimed that they have seen the monster and that they are willing to go before a judge and swear an affidavit that they've seen Dildosis, which is the name the newspaper suggested that it be called the monster of the world's most descriptions

most descriptions of the monster are pretty much the same when it comes like to the dildo monster, which When it comes to lake monsters is kind of like weird because most people who see lake monsters are usually either A plesiosaur dildo shaped. Yeah, or they're dildo shaped like a snake Slippery snags very veiny they say it's roughly 50 feet long With the head being about three feet long and shaped like an eels with quote bulging frog-like eyes about the size of a water glass

The neck is about five pleasure. The neck is about five feet long And is slim compared to the body that is said to be the size of a rum cask Witnesses also say that the tail of dildo dildosis Can't even say it is shaped like this is never getting on tiktok by the way I know it's shaped like the tail of an airplane Uh, it said that it uses to swim with its head out of the water and quote unquote moving steadily at a great rate of speed with

Without the undulations of a water snake the name of my sex tape Now the people of blaketown and others in the area claim that dildo pond was once teeming with salmon and trout But their numbers have dwindled due down to like almost zero ever since the first sighting of dildosis roughly 60 years ago That's 60 years ago from 1950. So that's 130 years ago Local time, okay, whatever wherever we are now. It's 130 years from now, but 60 years from 1950

So like the 1890s. Yeah Dildosis was born Dildosis was born in the 1890s Uh, so yeah, so in 1890 back then it was just called hysteria fixer So in 1890 when a norwegian man named nielsen, uh, he set up a uh, Uh, what's the word i'm looking for? experimental He set up an experimental fish hatchery

Uh as well as a small flock of ducks on one of dildo ponds lakes. Uh, he claims that one One dawn The monster quote unquote appeared to him and upon seeing this monster and serpent all slick and glistening with its bulbous head Uh, he and his ducks got the hell out of it immediately Ever since then the monster made his presence known but in small interview intervals like just the tip just for a second Just see how it feels

But it seemed to like only appear to fishermen and hunters and only when they were alone So for the longest time It's very discreet dildo it's fair yeah, uh For the longest time people just wrote their stories off and attributed the sidings to quote unquote The potency of new flinden newfoundland rum than to fact Uh, that was until 1945 It started showing up regularly and not just like lone huntsmen

It would appear just yards from the shore of blaketown. It began quote unquote regarding regarding them with a very hungry look in its eyes The villagers are convinced that since it seems to have eaten all the fish in the lake over the years It's now contemplating whether or not it can eat the townsfolk How are you feeling right now? You good? I I just I need to know why they called this town dildo

I looked into it. I mean this lake well, there's there no there is a town called dildo we're just talking about blaketown which is on the other side of Right, but I need to know why they were like, hey, this is a huge body of water. Let's call it dildo So I did find out that the like what is the the origin of dildo is that it's a part of a it originally was part of a boat Kind of thing it would it's uh, something that would hold the oar

Like in the back of the boat kind of like the to steer like the tiller almost. Yeah Okay, it was called that that thing was called a dildo so Now we know that's apt that that's okay. Yeah, so now we know that okay now I feel a little bit better It doesn't mean I was I was really I was really shook. I was like why? Why that name why not that name? Hmm, ah because it's like other names That you could use a lot of other names that you could use

Besides one for a synthetic penis. I don't know if dildo was around confused Was the word dildo around even back then? I don't even know I didn't look into the etymology of the word dildo, but I'm guessing i'm guessing the the name for the pleasure device Uh was based off the shape of the handle of the tiller I would assume that moves the rudder that makes sense. Yeah now a uh

A more recent sighting of the creature by recent. I mean, I mean within the 1950s scape was seen by a man named norman mercer who the newspaper dubbed the quote Most quoted authority and quote a sane and sober 41 year old sawmill owner Said that he was standing on the bank of the pond outside his sawmill when he heard the churning of water He looked in the direction of the noise and said he saw quote The water swirling and splashing and there was a monster approaching the bank end quote

He then shouted for his brother and two workers to come see what he was seeing This is how a lot of gay porn starts out i'm thinking What he was seeing was a long thick monster Of a dildosis coming at them Uh, he went on to tell the newspaper quote the monster paid no attention to us and came within a few feet of our logs

Before turning and swimming away. He said as it turned to leave it lashed the water Turning it into a boiling foam and then 10 foot logs a foot in diameter were tossed On end and thrown about like matchsticks So like I said, uh the town folks are concerned, uh, not this dude he seems fine It didn't even fuck with him, but others are totally fine with it Yeah But others are worried as to whether or not this thing will in time find a way to wriggle itself out of the water

And start preying on the villagers They also want to know just how the fuck there came to be a monster in dildo pond. Uh, well As always when weird shit like this happens in a small area some scientists Came to town in hopes of like studying the creature They theorized that it must have come up one of the brooks that connected connected dildo pond to trinity bay And that when quote It was a little wriggler

It then stuffed itself on so many fat dildo salmon that it couldn't get back to the sea. I know you want to laugh Just do it i'm just The person who wrote this knew immediately what they were doing. This is a quote they quoted this motherfucker This is a scientist said that So, you know, oh no that I could see I could see how the scientists had no idea that what they were saying is sexual

They're just they're just saying the most accurate words to describe what is happening. Meanwhile, the reporter Is crying tears of joy? Yeah, but the thing is like all that makes sense Like you mean like a small creature made its way to like a lake and it ate all the native species and now it's like fuck

What am I gonna do? Maybe i'll eat the villagers. But as always with small Industry towns the people who live there said fuck you scientists and your woke literal book book and your woke literal book book learning You know, like their rational theories and lab coats instead Most of them believe that nielsen the dude who first saw the monster and had they experimental like fish hatchery and the ducks and shit like that Uh was actually doing frankenstein like experiments

Okay claiming that i'm in claiming that one of his hobbies according to their parents Uh was experimenting with crossing of various types of fish eggs and spawn and in this case he quote Produced more than he bargained for but didn't have the courage to claim his monster Now, I mean that's what happens when you stick your dick in the salmon Sometimes you get a dildo monster Yeah Now 60 years later the inhabitants of blaketown are wondering if having failed to destroy its creator

If it intends to start on them. There you go sarge Which that is the entire story of the dildo monster of dildo pond This this is the only thing I could find about it is this one article which I will link in the episode description so Anyone could find it But there it is. What do you how how are you?

I have to go to this place dildo. I need to see dildo lake. So there's like a dildo Brewery there's like a dildo brewery And they got like, okay I I kind of need to go to but like is it called dildo brewery? Yes, the beer is dildo dildo beer. How much does it cost to ship to america?

I know that if I don't know how much it costs, but I know that if you spend 150 or more on their website, it's free shipping to the u.s But I mean you can get it shipped no matter what I need it I need I don't even know how much it costs I need it. I need I don't even care what I buy i'll get 25 t-shirts. Yeah, let's do it I want to support them. I want to support my local small business even if it's not local to me. Yeah. No, I get you

Uh, but yeah, but there you have it. That is the story of this is the dildo monster I think this is my favorite story that we've covered so far. I didn't think there was anything that could top The little flower aliens, but this really did it for me The dildo monster scratched an itch. Yeah. Yeah They have a tendency to scratch itches where you know, you don't normally you can't normally get there so I think they have a calming effect. Yeah Oh fuck

But yeah, but that was for you. Wow, this one's for you Thank you for that was that was that was a journey. It was good. That was a journey I'm so excited about this whole episode. I had a whole other thing planned for this But as I was like scrolling through reddit and I saw this and I was like, oh my fucking god, dude The dildo monster. Yeah as it always happens you start you start researching one thing and it turns into something else Oh man, that makes me so happy. That was amazing

Well sarge, I appreciate you. Hey, we should um, oh shit. Do we have that idea? We had that idea that idea we were gonna ask people to send us their stories. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get one? Because I didn't get no I didn't we because we never did it. Oh, yeah, because I never posted about it

Things got things got away from me this week. So no no things are busy. It's fine. It's fine That's why I didn't say that's why I hadn't said anything yet But we need you guys out there in the world to send us your stories your dildo monsters We want to talk about your dildos, please I mean other things I feel like maybe I should a horrible way to work that. Yeah, let's rewind. Let's take it back a bit Let's rewind We want your supernatural

Cryptid stories. Oh, I was gonna say I don't have to be about dildos Oh, I don't want to know because we don't know what they're doing I think we need to get somebody's into diaper play. I don't want to have to describe that I feel like we want two different things All right, so we'll go we'll go start just saying what we want from you is uh your paranormal stories Please email us cryptic cocktail at gmail.com send either of us a dm. Uh, sorry to destroyer or cryptic cocktail doesn't matter

Uh, you know keep it brief. Don't I don't want like to do a whole episode on just one story, but you know, just Yeah, right But i'll do a dramatic reading of it. Yeah, whatever do a dramatic reading whatever the character limit of a dm is go with that Yeah, and maybe separate paragraphs for me because my brain is slow So I separate my scripts into paragraphs that don't make sense for paragraph breaks I just it's easier to read if it's not like all one long fucking thing

Also get your comic book sajah supernormal.com 9.99. Can't beat that with a sack full of Wild badges. Oh, he's got one too. Yeah, you didn't you didn't even bother to say you can't beat that with a 10-foot dildo Come on, man. You're really Really missing listen. We we really Slung a lot of dildos around true. And so i'm trying to i'm trying to scale it back So by sarge's uh comic comic book and now you got me doing coloring coloring book see now

Now I got you saying it's coloring book. It's uh, sajah supernormal.com 9.99 can't beat that with a 10-foot dildo. See there you go. That's better I'm gonna edit everything else before this out and just go with that one. Uh I mean if you had a 10-foot dildo, you could beat a lot of stuff actually. Yeah um, let's see Follow sarge and all of his social medias. You can find them in the link in our episode description episode Instagram, uh, you can also find them just by googling sarge the destroyer

He's pretty much the only one as far as I know if you want to follow us on instagram. It's uh at cryptic cocktail And I think that's pretty much all I got uh, you can support the page. Yeah, it's five dollars a month

Maybe I think it's fine drinking arrogance at beer. Yeah, and also drinking arrogance at beer also So you see you can't see this but I have a bookshelf that is right here If you have stickers or anything like that Like if you have like a band or any sort of like something you want to promote i'm going to fill this all the stickers So that way when we start doing like full episodes on youtube They can see all your stuff

How's that? Does that sound good? You know what I mean? Like I like it. Yeah, it's like free promotion for you All right, we gotta get you a dildo brewery sticker. Oh my god, dude I'll buy 150 dollars worth of those just to get free shipping. Yeah, absolutely All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening Uh, and with that sarge Uh, and with that sarge, do you want to say goodbye and I love you to the audience. Goodbye everyone. I love you i'll see you next week You