Hi friends , it's Greta . I have some great new episodes that will air soon , including one about long-term relationship ghosting and another about bread crumbing , but this week I'm on a digital detox for a writing retreat where I plan to write an essential survival guide for coping with ghosting .
In the meantime , I'm replaying an episode I love Nine Gentle Reminders as you , he , heal from being ghosted . Take a listen . Why did you have to leave ? Welcome to Coping with Ghosting , the show that provides hope , healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted .
I'm your host , greta , and today my guest is Mayra Rodriguez, LMFT, who specializes in providing mental health information , tools and resources . Myra is here to share important reminders as you heal from being ghosted . I found Mayra through her serene , pretty and inspirational Instagram feed , which I suggest you go check out .
The handle is at the Los Angeles Therapist and , by the way , I just love that name at the Los Angeles therapist .
Thank you so much for having me . It's such a pleasure to be here with you today and to talk about such an important topic , thank you .
So you recently shared a helpful list of nine gentle reminders as you heal on Instagram , and I'm curious to hear how each reminder applies to healing after being ghosted . I'll just take you through them . I've labeled them one through nine . Number one is what happened was not your fault .
I think , especially with ghosting , it can be very easy for us to somehow think that what happened was our fault , that somehow that person ghosting us was a reflection of our worth , it was a reflection of us . But really that's actually the complete opposite .
Typically , when someone ghosts us , it has nothing to do with us and it has everything to do with where they're at in life , and that's something that we cannot control .
That's something that's out of our control , and in the beginning it can be very difficult to accept that , and it's completely normal for us to feel at fault , and that is why we have to actively remind ourselves when our mind wants to tell us it was my fault , it was a reflection of me , it was because I wasn't good enough .
That's when we need to remind ourselves hey , it wasn't your fault . The fact that this person is at a different place in their lives is not my fault .
Oh my gosh , that's so validating . It's so great to hear you say that . It's just so soothing when you say that . And yeah , you can never cause somebody not to tell you goodbye Exactly how you said . You cannot control somebody else's behavior .
That's right . We only have control of ourselves , yeah .
So number two is it's okay to have a bad day , week or month . Healing is not linear . Bad day , week or month .
Healing is not linear . I cannot stress this enough that healing is not linear . Healing has many ups and downs . It's a process and in that process you're going to have good days and you're going to have bad days , and it's okay if you have a bad day , a bad week or a bad month . It's part of the healing process .
I think sometimes we expect our healing journey to look perfect , to look neat , but that's not how life works and that's not how healing works either , and so it's completely normal that there's going to be that fluctuation in your feelings , that there's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days . Please know that you're doing nothing wrong .
Please know that that's part of the process . It's opening ourselves up to feeling everything and having good days and having bad days and , like I mentioned , it's not linear . So be gentle , be patient and kind with yourself . You're in the process and it's okay to not have it together all the time .
Yeah , I definitely relate to this . The pain , the shock , the anger and confusion . It all came in waves for me and still it comes at random times , so I could be in a work meeting or a yoga class and I can feel the pain of being ghosted because it's still within me .
Yeah , and I'm glad that you bring this up because I'm sure that a lot of our listeners can relate to that and that's actually very normal that we're going to have different feelings are going to come up for us and , like you mentioned , you could be at work , you could be with a friend , you could be at home , and sometimes those feelings are going to come up
and it's okay because that's that's actually part of the healing process . So don't feel bad if that's happening to you . It's at , it's part of the journey .
I appreciate your sharing that , of course . Okay , so number three is you are allowed to ask for help .
This is so important . I think sometimes we feel like we have to do it all on our own .
And I think sometimes we feel like we have to do it all on our own , and when it comes to healing , it's absolutely okay to ask for help , it's okay to reach out for support , and it's important to do so with people who are safe , people who will understand you , people who are willing to listen to you , because not everyone in our circle is necessarily going
to be our go-to person , and that's okay . Right In that healing process , we're also going to gain wisdom as to who we should reach out to for support . But I want to let you know that it's okay . It's okay to need that support , it's okay to need help , and it's also okay to even ask for professional help .
That's actually a great step towards our healing journey . It's a great step towards our healing journey . It's a great step towards growth and development . And so sometimes I know there can be a sense of shame oh , no , I have to ask for help .
That must mean I'm weak or I'm not strong enough or I can't do it on my own , and I'm here to tell you that no , it's absolutely normal . We were actually meant to connect with others , and so healing happens when we also connect with others , and so give yourself permission to ask for help and reach out for support .
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp . Being ghosted can be heartbreaking . It can bring up intense feelings and open past emotional wounds .
And what can really help is talking about these issues with a therapist , because , regardless of whether you have a clinical mental health issue like depression or anxiety , or if you're just a human who lives in this world and is going through a hard time , therapy can give you the tools to approach your life in a very different way .
After being ghosted , therapy helped me handle challenging emotions and cultivate self-compassion . It was a game changer , and that's why I'm happy to tell you about today's sponsor , betterhelp . Betterhelp connects you with a licensed therapist trained to listen and provide helpful , unbiased advice .
You can visit their site using my link , betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting , and all you need to do is answer a few questions and BetterHelp will match you to a professional who has years of experience helping people with struggles similar to yours .
You can do this all from your phone or computer , via phone call , video chat or messaging , whatever's most comfortable for you . So visit betterhelp . com/coping with ghosting , or choose coping with ghosting during signup and enjoy a special discount on your first month . The direct link is also in my show notes . I love that .
Yeah , it is really important that you find these safe people . So these are the people that are not judging you , they're not belittling you , they're not making you feel worse when you tell them your story and your truth . Right , yeah , okay . So number four is you deserve to be loved , respected and treated well .
I think , after we've been ghosted , there can be a lot of feelings of low self-esteem , of insecurity , thoughts of not being good enough , and that's where we have to work through those thoughts . We have to work through those feelings and remind ourselves that we do deserve to be loved , we deserve to be respected , we deserve to be treated well .
That is our human right . And just because this person was not able to provide that for us does not mean that we're not worthy of it . It does not mean that we can't experience that in our next relationship or in the future .
And so ghosting leaves a lot of negative , lingering feelings and thoughts , and so when those thoughts and those feelings come up , remind yourself I am worthy , I deserve respect , I deserve to be loved and I can be treated well . It might not have worked out with this person , but it doesn't mean that it won't work out with someone else .
It doesn't mean that I won't be able to experience the fullness of what is a healthy relationship .
I love that . You said that it's our human right . That's so profound to hear and it's so accurate . This person , this ghost , their action isn't a representation of your lovability .
It's a representation of their character , right yeah , I always end my podcast by saying be sure to remember when you're ghosted , you have more time to connect with yourself and those who truly appreciate you . You deserve the best . That's absolutely right . Yeah , so number five , you are not a mistake .
Yes , and we go back to that right that we've already touched on it , where being ghosted can bring a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts that are uncomfortable , and a lot of thoughts and a lot of thoughts that are uncomfortable and a lot of thoughts and feelings that can be negative .
And , like I mentioned , sometimes we turn that pain inward and somehow we believe that maybe it is our fault , maybe there was something wrong with us . It's human of us to sometimes do that . But , as you heal , remind yourself that you are not a mistake , that you are not fundamentally flawed .
That because this didn't work out , because this person did this to you , does not mean that you're not lovable . It does not mean that you're a mistake . And so sometimes we're going to have to take that extra effort to remind ourselves of that truth , because in the moment it might not feel like that .
If we're being honest , in the moment it it can be easy , like I mentioned , to turn that inward and somehow think that it's a reflection of us . But , as you heal , make sure that you're you're reminding yourself of these things .
Remind yourself I'm not a mistake , I am worthy , and just because this person did this to me does not mean that that was a reflection of who I am as a person .
Agree , and we all make mistakes . When we make a mistake , it doesn't define us . Mistakes are just a moment in time . You are not your past . Exactly Moving on to the next one . It's number six . You have a purpose .
Yes , this isn't your final destination . This , this thing that happened to you with this person , the ghosting this is not your final destination . You have a purpose and there is so much more ahead of you . And maybe this was a bump in the road , and what human being doesn't face bumps in the road ? Right ? That's part of life .
We all go through our different struggles . Life is hard , and so are relationships , especially romantic relationships . So remind yourself that maybe this didn't work out and this ending was very painful and there wasn't any closure , but that doesn't mean that you don't have a purpose . This isn't where your life is . Purpose is going to end .
You have so much more ahead of you . So keep striving , keep growing , keep working on yourself that better things are ahead .
Yeah , do things that give you meaning , that feed your soul , and whether that's painting or singing or teaching a child how to read , it's important that you express yourself and share your unique gifts with the world . That's exactly right . Moving on to number seven , your feelings are valid .
This is so important to validate ourselves . Like we've mentioned before , there's going to be a lot of feelings that come up . Maybe one day you feel content , but maybe there's another day where you might feel anger or frustration or sadness or confusion , and I want you to know that all of that is normal and it's valid .
It's part of the healing process and it's okay to give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up for you , because in order for us to heal , we must allow ourselves to feel .
And so , even if sometimes those feelings can be polar opposite almost right you might ask yourself well , why do I feel happy one day , but then the next I feel anger and sadness and loneliness ?
Please know that both of those feelings can coexist right the power of , and I can experience calmness , I can experience contentment and I can also feel sad , I can also feel frustrated , I can also feel angry . So just reminding yourself that whatever comes up for you is valid and it's okay to feel it .
That's such great advice and it's . You know , it's so normal to be upset after we didn't hear a good bye from somebody that we really cared about .
I just remember one day I was so confused , I felt sad , but I couldn't put my finger on why , and I just was uncontrollably crying , crying , and so I just got my journal and I started writing and I just put everything on the page and that really helped me move through those feelings and understand myself a little better .
And I'm relating to what you said about the , and I had multiple events going on that were triggering all types of things within my mind , and so I had tons of different thoughts at once , but that really helped me release them .
Right , I'm glad that you bring that up , because that's such a great way to process feelings is journaling . Sometimes we might not feel comfortable saying it out loud or sharing it with someone , but journaling can be a great way for us to process our feelings . So thank you so much for sharing that .
Yeah , so number eight is this too , shall pass .
I know that in this moment it might be difficult to believe this , because in the moment , maybe you find yourself in a moment of deep pain , of deep heartache , of sadness and loneliness , and maybe you're in a place where it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel , and it's completely normal that you might feel that way and again right .
That's why these are the reminders we have to tell ourselves that this will pass . This heartache , this heaviness , this sadness that you feel right now is not going to be here with you forever . You will heal and this will pass .
And in the meantime , it's okay to allow yourself , like I mentioned , the permission to feel whatever comes up , but also remind yourself in the process that you're not going to stay here , you're not going to stay stuck here forever , that this will pass and there will be a brighter days ahead .
Yeah , it takes time . I mean , gosh , it took me it felt like forever to get over one of the initial ghostings that happened to me , but it also took work .
So doing a lot of self-improvement type work to change my mindset , to really just start viewing this as this is a person who didn't have the communication skills to be in a mature relationship with me and , honestly , that's not what I'm looking for in my life .
I want to surround myself with people who can communicate really well , and so now I'm really intentional about who I have in my network and I make sure that they do have that level of maturity and communication skills . So it takes time , it takes work , but it will pass .
Yes , and I love how you made that point . It takes time and work , because sometimes there's this misconception , right , that time heals , but it's not really time that heals . It's what we do with that time , that's what gives it meaning , that's what makes the difference right .
So I really , really like that you brought that up , that it's time , but also what we do in that time . That will bring us healing and relief . Thank you .
Yeah , nine , and you kind of hinted at this one . There are brighter days ahead .
I'm so glad we ended on this one , because that is our hope that there are brighter days ahead . And it's okay . Okay if right now it doesn't feel that way . It's okay if right now , maybe all you see is the heartache and the brokenness and the pain , but remind yourself in that pain that there will be brighter days ahead .
That , like I mentioned before , just because this situation happened to you does not mean that you won't get to experience a healthy love in the future , right ? So , in this process , remind yourself this isn't your final destination .
This brokenness and heartache that you feel right now will pass and when you get to those brighter days , you'll look back and you'll feel so proud of yourself for having gone through that process of working in yourself and doing the work that it takes to heal .
Wow , Thank you for all of those . And I wonder is there anything else you want to let listeners know about ghosting in general ?
Yeah , I think the most important takeaway is to remind yourselves that it's not a direct reflection of you . People ghost for many different reasons . Sometimes it can be because they're uncomfortable with conflict or they fear confrontation , they're avoidant , they're riddled with shame in their life , they like to play games .
There could be so many different reasons why people ghost and it has nothing to do with you . So if there's something that I really want our listeners to remind themselves in the process , is that just because this person ghosted you and did not give you closure does not mean that there was something wrong with you .
You are worthy , you deserve love and you deserve to experience a healthy relationship , and there's no need to feel shame about it . You know , like I mentioned , relationships are hard , and especially romantic ones . So just remind yourself it's not your fault , it's not a reflection of you .
It's where they're at in life and that's something that we cannot control , and so the only thing we can control is taking care of ourselves and making sure that we're okay and that we heal , so that we can move forward and continue with our life and our purpose .
You are a wealth of knowledge . I know that your messages of healing are going to help so many people . And again , can you just remind the listeners how to how to connect with ?
you . My name is Mayra . I'm a psychotherapist and you can find me on Instagram or TikTok and my handle name is at the Los Angeles therapist . I post mental health information , tools and resources .
Great . Thank you so much for sharing all of this important information .
Of course you're welcome and thank you so much for having me . It was an honor and a pleasure .
And listeners, remember, when you are ghosted , you have more time to connect with yourself and those who truly appreciate you . You deserve the best , Thank you .