Welcome to Coping with Ghosting , the podcast that provides hope , healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted . I'm your host , Gretta , and this show's all about radical acceptance and how it can help you heal after you've been ghosted . Joining us today is returning guest Dr .
Terri Bacow , a widely known expert in cognitive behavioral therapy and evidence-based therapy approach . A Brown and Boston University graduate , she has authored several peer-reviewed papers based on her research and sees clients in her private practice in New York City .
She's a media contributor and has been featured in Oprah and Vogue magazine , as well as various blogs and podcasts . Dr . Bacow supervises trainees in psychology and psychiatry at NYU and the Mount Sinai School of Medicine . She's also the author of Goodbye Anxiety , a guided journal for overcoming worry . Welcome back .
Thank you so much for having me back .
It's my absolute pleasure , so let's just dive right in to radical acceptance . Could you share what that is with listeners ?
Absolutely so . Radical acceptance is a strategy designed to reduce the immense frustration and pain that comes from trying to change a situation or circumstance that can't be changed . It's really it's abstract , but I'm going to break it down . It's making an empowered choice to peacefully accept rather than fight against a painful situation .
Radical acceptance about accepting that something sucks and there's not much you can do about it , and that's okay . The reason that this is a powerful strategy is that when we reject reality , it doesn't change reality . And further , it's absolutely exhausting to try to run against a circumstance that can't be changed . It's a waste of time .
It also takes up so much emotional energy and when we really mire ourselves in , this is so unfair it can make us miserable .
Yeah , yeah , I've definitely been miserable because I couldn't accept radically accept the fact that I was ghosted . So how can radical acceptance help people who have been ghosted ?
So , as I mentioned before our podcast , I really think radical acceptance is the strategy for ghosting . It's what I would recommend number one , and the reason for that is that ghosting is the ultimate circumstance that is out of one's control . When we are ghosted , the power is removed from us and there is nothing that we can do about it .
Radical acceptance is explicitly designed for circumstances outside of our control , and when we're ghosted , it's so baffling we spend all this time wondering why , why did this happen ? What did I do ? There's so much anger , which takes up so much energy . So , in contrast , if you radically accept this happened , it sucks , nothing I can do .
I mean , it's sort of a really kind version of it is what it is . Then you feel liberated , you know you're liberated from the prison of suffering that comes from rejecting reality , and once you reduce the noise that comes from how much you hate a given circumstance , you can really better focus your energy on getting through it .
Yes , yes , that makes a lot of sense . What are some misconceptions about radical acceptance ?
So I can think of three . The first is acceptance does not mean approval . Acceptance does not mean we like it , you don't have to like what is happening . I'm going to repeat that: Acceptance does not mean approval . I think that's a misconception . It's really important . Second , radical acceptance does not involve giving up .
It doesn't mean you're rolling over , playing dead . It doesn't mean you're a doormat . It's not a passive strategy , it's an active one . It's making an empowered choice , a self-compassionate , empowered choice to relinquish your own suffering and to relinquish your own suffering .
And that leads me to the third kind of misconception , which is that I think some people think that radical acceptance would benefit the person who ghosted you or the circumstance that you're fighting against , when in reality , radical acceptance is a gift that we give to ourselves .
It benefits us far more than it benefits the ghost or whomever is involved in the interaction .
Radical acceptance is indeed a gift . I've used it for so many things in my life and it's just liberating .
It is truly liberating and empowering .
Yeah , so are there situations that radical acceptance don't apply to ?
Surely . So radical acceptance is not a good strategy for a circumstance that is within your control , a circumstance that can be changed . If something can be changed , then we should use a different approach . We should use problem solving , we should think in a solution-focused , proactive way .
So , for example , if you get a bad grade on your test , that's something that is kind of within your control . You can study harder next time . You can speak to the professor , you can do extra credit . If maybe a friend has murdered you , you can apologize . You can speak to the professor . You can do extra credit .
If maybe a friend has murdered you , you can apologize . You can reach out to the friend and try to repair the situation . So I think it's important to kind of decide which strategy to think about . Is this circumstance within my control ? Is this something that can be changed ? and if it can be changed , try to change it .
yes , and two situations are coming to mind um , like abuse , if somebody is in an abusive relationship , um , radical acceptance is unhelpful , yes , yeah . And um one I'm very familiar with burnout . Burnout is another thing where , okay , I see the steps to getting out of this .
Correct . Those are great examples . Burnout in particular , I think people feel powerless , they feel helpless . Als o , i n the case of relationships , they feel the sense of loss of control when in fact the situation is controllable . It's just difficult . You know you need support . You need maybe professional help , a friendship or someone to help you .
But there are steps to be taken to improve .
So let's talk about action . How can someone who's been ghosted put radical acceptance into practice ?
A person can put radical acceptance into practice by choosing to stop obsessing and ruminating and dwelling on the ghosting situation . You know , when we get ghosted we really go down the path of a rabbit hole of obsession .
You know why did this happen , what did I do , what could I have done differently , when in fact there's nothing that we could have done differently and the ghosting is not our fault .
So the way to apply radical acceptance is to decide you know , this happened , this ghosting , and I don't like it and I'm not going to waste my brain cells figuring out why it happened . So that's how we achieve liberation . We stop thinking about what we could have done differently . We stop , we relinquish anger when we use radical acceptance .
We could say I am going to that let go by acceptiong that life is unfair and people do unkind things for no good reason .
Yes , yeah , it's painful , but it's true . And do you have any radical acceptance phrases or coping statements that could help with this ?
Yes , I have five in particular that I really like that I'm going to share with you . The first one is the situation massively sucks , but focusing on how much I hate it is going to make me feel miserable . The second is rejecting reality does not change reality . The third is acceptance does not mean approval , yes .
The next one is accepting being ghosted will free up my mental space for effective coping , okay . And the last one is radical acceptance is how I take my power back .
Perfect and I think these are excellent because people , when they're starting to feel that they are going down this rabbit hole , that their thoughts are spiraling , that they're ruminating and they're beginning to feel almost out of control , these statements which I encourage listeners to rewind , write them down and put them in the notes app of your phone , because these
are statements that you can go back to and read when you have these spiraling thoughts .
Absolutely , and coping statements . I'm so glad you brought that up because that is a great way of managing anxiety . Having kind of a mantra or affirmation is soothing statement . It doesn't have to be overly positive , it has to be balanced and accurate and it can make us feel so much better .
It 's so true . And I have two of my own that I'd like to share as well . I cannot change the fact that I was ghosted , but I can choose how I'll respond , and I don't know why I was ghosted and I radically accept this . I will focus on what I know and what I can control .
Those are fantastic . They're so effective for so many reasons . In particular , I'd like to highlight the use of the word "and" that's really powerful . Sometimes we use but , of course . But is inevitable . We're going to use it in language when it comes to radical acceptance , and it's about our choice .
It kind of showed that two things could be true at the same time . They might seem to contradict each other , yet they could coexist .
Exactly , yeah . One thing that we have in common is that we were both ghosted in high school by really good friends . If you could go back to high school and talk to yourself with your high school self what , what would you say about being ghosted ?
Oh , my God , I wish I could . So first I would like to put out there I so wish that I could . So I think I would remind myself . I would say to myself that the situation is temporary; it won't last forever , that I don't deserve it .
That the people who are winners in life are the ones who are going to treat me well , that I will have many , many friends in the future who will be kind and who will not ghost me . That there's hope that I will recover and not feel this way for the rest of my life . That these things happen . Things happen to everyone .
It's really almost ugly , unavoidable , especially for women and girls . Right of passage , it happens to everyone .
And then I would put my psychologist hat on and I would tell myself the reason that ghosting happens is because people are poor communicators with poor social skills , who have their own baggage and issues who often project onto us , usually that either have some narcissism or some deep insecurity . Ghosting is not about us . It is not our fault .
I would say to myself this is not your fault . This is so much more about the other person than about you .
I got goosebumps , I got chills . That was really touching and powerful and I wish I could go back to my high school self and hear those words . You know , I mean I can't change the past and I'm so glad we know what we know so we can pass this information on .
Hopefully there's people in high school who are listening and feel soothed from what we would say to our high school selves
yes and this happens across the age spectrum . I'm sure
I know
we speak to people who report that . You know elementary school , college , yeah , middle age , it happened across the spectrum . I just think in high school we're really vulnerable , you know , we don't know what we know now and that's why it's such a vulnerable moment .
Yes , yeah , I have people in my private Facebook group and people that I coach about being ghosted who are 70 plus , so it's really it's all ages . You're right . What resources can people turn to for more information about radical acceptance ?
Yeah , so radical acceptance comes from a therapy approach that psychologists call dialectical behavior therapy or DBT . Dbt is great . It's a package of skills , a package of tools , a different module . Radical acceptance comes from the distress tolerance module , dbt , and DBT was founded by a psychologist called Marsha Linehan .
She had a great TED Talk , so I always recommend Marsha Linehan's . She has a great TED Talk , so I always recommend Marsha Linehan's TED Talk . It's 10 minutes . You can get a lot out of it . If you're a reader , I recommend the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .
If you are a reader , but maybe you have less of a attention span or time , I actually recommend my book . So I wrote this book called Goodbye Anxiety, A Guided Journal for Overcoming Worry that is written with young folks in mind .
Now anyone can read it , really young adults and teenagers , and I have a page or two just devoted to this topic , as well as adjacent topics like self-esteem , comparison , perfectionism . So a lot of social matters come up in this book which are challenging for young folks . So I do recommend my book .
But then , while I don't ever want to take away from your podcast which is amazing If you are a podcast listener there's a DBT-focused podcast called House on Fire and they have one or more episodes devoted entirely to radical acceptance .
Amazing . I'm going to check out those resources , and your book is excellent . Everybody should go get it . So we'll have a link directly to that , for sure . Thank you , I appreciate that . Do you have any final words about ghosting or being ghosted that you'd like to share ?
Yes , so ghosting is an unbelievably painful experience . I would not wish it on anyone . It's also again , particularly if you're female this is my belief unavoidable . It's going to happen to you because it happens to everyone , and it has the most toxic combination in the sense of being both abrupt and traumatic .
If you could think of something that's abrupt , where you're blindsided , you don't see it coming and deeply upsetting , there's that trauma piece . So I think that it's important to be kind to yourself , to not downplay it , to seek support , to seek either therapy or to talk to your friends about it , but to not feel shame .
I think shame is so toxic , it's so unnecessary , since ghosting is entirely unrelated to us and anything we have done is so much more about the other person and their shortcomings . And in fact , I would say ghosting is , in psychology terms , the ultimate form of avoidance and it's an advanced cowardice , to be honest .
To be honest and the fact that when we're anxious , we avoid . So what ghosting is is the other person avoiding having a tough conversation . They can't handle it , so they avoid , and that is understandable , but it's cowardly and we don't deserve that .
Yes , thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this . How can listeners connect with you ?
So listeners could , if they enjoy social media , find me on instagram at @drterribacow , so that's drterribacow with a D-R , and my website , similarly , is drterribacow . com . And then , if you would like to buy my book , you can find it on Amazon . You can find it Walmart Barnes , noble .
Many independent booksellers sell it as well , and you could get the paper version or the Kindle version .
Perfect . Thank you , and thank you just so much for being here . Thank you for taking the time to chat with me today about radical acceptance . I love it .
Me too . This is a great topic . Thank you for having me .
My pleasure and listeners . I invite you to follow at Coping with Ghosting on social media . Join the free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group and please leave a rating for this show . Your feedback helps spread a message of hope .
And finally , remember when you're ghosted , you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills . You deserve the best .