Healing Through Journaling, with Dr. Kellie Kirksey

Kirksey, PhD, is a certified rehabilitation counselor , author , yoga instructor , reiki practitioner , dancing mindfulness facilitator , clinical hypnotherapist , EMDR therapist , expressive arts therapist and certified in mind-body medicine . Dr .

Kirksey has practiced and taught in the counseling field for more than 30 years and has focused her life work in the areas of wellness , diversity , international corporate community consulting , social justice , journaling , mindfulness , self-care , holistic pain management and integrative counseling . Dr .

Kirksey is currently on the faculty of the Northwest Center for Creative and Expressive Arts Therapy and , as the founder of Creative Wellness Solutions LLC , she works with groups and corporations , offering trainings on topics of health and wellness , stress management , self-care , non-traditional healing modalities , drum and movement for wellness , social justice , meditation , cultural

humility and working effectively with diverse populations . Dr . Kirksey , welcome to Coping with Ghosting .

And when we can use journaling as a tool to just pause some of that for a moment and take it from between our ears and dump , dump some of that out , like write all of that down as it is , as it is , the distortions in it and all the pain in it , everything just to move it out of the body and to come a little bit out of that contraction that happens

when we're hurting , because we contract . We get really small and tight sometimes when we're hurting and the journaling helps to expand and move things out .

I say I put all my rage on the page . That was really helpful for me .

That's powerful , that's powerful and you know , as you said , you know writing a letter to the ghost and and also just acting like that ghost is right there . So sometimes journaling might come in the form of a voice message on your telephone and talking that out .

So that's the voice journal to move it out , to get it out , to create more space inside for healing .

Rip it out , glue it into your journal , get your markers out , scribble . If you wake up and you're feeling just frustrated and sad and confused , open the page , take a crayon , scribble , scribble , scribble hard , move it out .

Just like you know that kinesthetic energy of I'm moving this pain out of my body , I am not going to hold it and let it damage me anymore .

It's such a part of me , it's such a friend that's tucked away with me at all times . I put a lot of trinkets in my journals . Like I just got back from a trip , there was a wristband that was on . I glue that wristband in there . It holds my memories , it holds my dreams . It holds my desires , my goals . It holds my timeline . It holds my timeline .

So I see my healing there and I also do a future projection . So this time next year , this is how I want to be feeling . So I'll write down in this moment I'm feeling sad , I'm feeling frustrated , my back is hurting , I want to scream . I'm not eating , I'm not talking to anybody , I can barely get out of the bed .

All of that , write all of that down this time next year or in six months time . This is where I want to be at . I want to be able to move freely . I want to have a strong desire to get out of bed and go hug a tree or call a friend .

I want to have the desire to dance , to travel , to reconnect to my dreams , because when you're sad , when you feel ghosted , when you feel isolated , then we can't always dream ourselves into another state . But sometimes , writing it down , this is what I desire for my future self . For my future self , Right .

The brain coalesces to put all those pieces together and make it be so and give you the feeling of that which you desire .

And getting really crystal clear and then having guidelines and being able to measure them against the relationships that I was entering into , like oh , they violated this boundary , like that's not okay . But just having that as a reminder , a physical reminder , that's really helpful .

It can be your wisdom keeper , because you're gaining wisdom as you have these experiences . It might be painful , joyful , whatever it is . We're learning all along the way , so the journal can be that reminder of all that wisdom that you're garnering in the midst of some challenging times . You're picking up a lot of tools .

I don't want to say need because I don't want to tell anyone you have to do anything , but what would you recommend ? Like some of these questions , that or journal prompts could be for the listener who's maybe like OK , I want to start journaling , but I'm not exactly sure where to begin .

Do I need to get something to drink ? Do I need to get new shelter ? Do I need a sweater ? What do I need emotionally ? Do I need to phone a friend ? Do I need to have a good cry ? You know , what do I need emotionally ? And for people that are spiritual people , what do I need emotionally ?

And for people that are spiritual people , what do I need spiritually ? Would meditation help me right now ? My prayer beads , would it feel good to hold my prayer beads ? You know all of those things . Would it feel good to go lay on the earth ?

So , going to the basic questions of what do I need for myself now , how can I offer myself kindness , because it feels really crappy that this person goes to me ? How can I give myself kindness right now ? What does that look like ? And exploring that , what does self-kindness look like ? What does self-compassion look like ?

And asking the hard questions of am I blaming myself ? Am I flogging myself over this ? Am I flogging myself over this or am I giving myself grace in the midst of the mystery ? Because ghosting can just it can be a bit of a mystery . We don't know why that person stopped communicating .

We can go back and try and connect the dots and try and figure it out , but ultimately we're not sure what was between that person's ears and heart , or lack of heart . So what are the lies that I'm telling myself ?

about this that's keeping me in pain , that I'm rotten , that it's my fault , that I'm not good at relationships , that I'm it's like what are the lies that I'm telling myself ? And making a list of those lies or cognitive distortions and then , on the next page , saying , okay , what is the truth . Saying , okay , what is the truth , what is the truth .

How do I challenge those lies that keep spiraling in my mind ? How do I challenge that ? And so , using that journal as a place to really clarify things , to clarify , to stop those ruminations of oh I'm terrible , I'm awful . It's like , oh , I'm not really terrible , that person walked out the door and I'm probably better off . Because of what ?

So it just helps you to come back to yourself . That person left , you get to collect yourself off the curb , bring yourself out of the rain and love on yourself period yeah , wow , well said .

But I've had a lot of relationships , I've put myself out there and I've done a lot of cool things , and so there are select people who will ghost . So I've had a lot of relationships , I've put myself out there and I've done a lot of cool things , and so there are select people who will go .

So I've been ghosted and I have dealt with a lot of these cognitive distortions , the rumination , just the overwhelming anxiety and the mystery , as you said . You said , and I have started a therapy journal . So I've , I have a journal that I take to therapy with me .

Anytime I'm feeling discomfort , I write it all out and then I kind of , with my therapist , we burst a lot of these bubbles together and it's it's really great so yeah .

We can begin to believe those distortions , believe those lies , and when we can sit down and take them out of our mind and go , huh , I don't have any evidence that that's a true statement , that I'm telling myself , as a matter of fact , that's a false statement and being able to flip that and give yourself a positive affirmation not a Pollyanna affirmation , but

something that's real and true and tangible . Yeah , I'm a crappy person , I'm not good at any relationships . That's a lie , because I have a great relationship with my dad and we can talk honestly and we are clear with each other , and being able to take yourself back out of the fog of what the ghosting has left you in .

But , as it turns out , time itself didn't magically improve my state of mind . I had to do deep inner work to feel better after being ghosted , and I did it in therapy . And that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's sponsor , betterhelp . Betterhelp connects you with a licensed therapist who is trained to listen and give you helpful , unbiased advice .

First you go to their site . You can use my link betterhelpcom slash copingwithghosting . You answer a few questions and BetterHelp will match you to a professional who has years of experience helping people with issues just like yours . You can do it all from your phone or computer phone call , video chat or messaging however you feel most comfortable .

It's the easiest way possible to start talking to a therapist . Let BetterHelp connect you to a therapist who can support you all from the comfort of your own home . Visit betterhelp . com/ coping with ghosting , or choose coping with ghosting during signup and enjoy a special discount on your first month .

Another thing that people struggle with after being ghosted is blocking their ghosts on social media . They might not be ready to lock them because they feel like , oh well , they win that way or they'll see that I care too much , and so one .

But the people who have blocked or at least unfollowed and stop checking up on the ghost is they feel so much better , they feel lighter , they feel happier , and so journaling about that , I think , is also another really good topic .

Instead of I'm scrolling , looking at what they're doing ? I am no , I'm coming back to myself and writing in the journal . These are ways that I'm returning to me . These are ways that I am lifting myself up out of the muck and mire and dirt and quicksand and all of that . This is what it looks like . So what does it look like ? I went for a walk today .

I called a good friend and had coffee . I gave myself a new hairstyle . I went and had a manicure . I soaked my feet in the pool , you know . So how are you loving on you ? So how am I loving on myself today ?

Um , yeah , so I love all those um tips you gave , and another one .

Another big issue for people who have been ghosted is when they don't block them , the ghosts tend to pop back up in their life again and want to rekindle a relationship , and so , for me , I've journaled about well , why would I want to be in a relationship with somebody who so easily discarded me ? Right , right , what else like what would you add to that ?

Or what kind of questions should somebody , could somebody , ask themselves if their ghost reappears ?

So , looking at , so , building this whole scene and sometimes like let's talk about like a mind map , putting that circle in the middle right and say my life is better without you in the center , and then all of those rays going out because now I don't judge myself when I wear a skirt , now I wear that red lipstick that I want to wear .

Now I go out with my best friend , susie , on Tuesday night to do trivia . So being able to just remember and reconnect to self and community and using that journal to brainstorm all the different ways . To brainstorm all the different ways , because the mind will take you back to well , they want to come back .

Maybe that's a good idea you can go to your journal and you can look at that list of why they were so crappy .

They just threw me away like a piece of trash . So for the person who's feeling really down and out about themselves , what would you recommend ? What are some journal prompts for ?

And starting with very small things , that I am a good sister , I have sparkly eyes , I am a great communicator , so using I often use that very simple , I am format . So really like , what are the facts about you ? I am a good writer , I am a good listener , I am pretty smart , I am chatty and funny .

I am chatty and funny , and so reminding oneself like who you really are . I am a faithful person , I am a caring person . I wake up in the morning , I brush my teeth . I mean that's a good thing . Yeah , that's great . It doesn't have to be this monumental thing . Yeah , that's great , it doesn't have to be this monumental

thing . But if you are a house , you've done a lot of things to reinforce the foundation of who you are , and so those I am statements can just help bring up your own energy so you can remember that you are worthy yeah that you're enough . Yeah , yeah , okay , and going back , like going .

Going back , as I said , like the recalling , like going back in time . So a journal prompt would be talk about a time in your life when you felt really positive . Talk about a time in your life that you did something you thought you could never do . Talk about a time in your life when you really stood up for yourself .

Talk about a time when you were really there for someone . So recalling who you are . So it's not just about our future projection of who we want to become , but sometimes we don't recognize the beauty and wonder of who we are in this moment , even as we're feeling crappy because somebody ghosted us .

They met online for dating and now they want to continue to meet people and they're trying in real life , and or they're trying on more dating apps and , like some , they'll get a text and then they'll reply , and then it will be like a day or two and the person doesn't reply and they're feeling really , really anxious . Like this is going to happen again .

I can't trust anyone . What are some ways that they can rebuild their trust within themselves , I guess , and for other people too ?

And another way to look at it is a little bit of brain gem and saying them not showing up or them not continuing to show up or them not communicating . Whatever the case , it helped me to avoid a landmine like they did . They did me a favor , because this isn't the character of a person that I want to have in my life .

So I didn't see it , but they showed me . So thank you for ghosting me , because you weren't worthy of me . You know , being being able to just say , all right , they're not dead in a ditch , as long as long as they're not dead in a ditch . That's not why I got ghosted .

They ghosted because they are perhaps a coward , perhaps mentally , and not well , many , many reasons why . But whatever the reasons , reasons , would you want all that in your life ? Would you want that person sitting at your dinner table with that level of baggage , with that ability to harm you ?

no yeah yeah , and so we build up trust incrementally by first interacting with the people in our close circle . Asking interacting , showing that there are people in life that we can rely on , that we can call on and they will be there . So your picker isn't broken .

Sometimes the people that cross your path are and that you entertain are , but your picker isn't broken because you can look at some people in your life and say , huh , trusted myself there , that's a good relationship , that's a positive relationship . And then you go to that next level of saying I'm going to just do an experiment .

This is an experiment of just stepping one toe out and if they don't show up , one toe out . And if they don't show up , what that means is that they're not for my highest good .

One of the reasons why I did it was because at that time I I didn't have the maturity , I didn't have the communication skills , I didn't have the emotional health at the time to really be able to express myself in a way that was true and respectful to this person . And I've changed a lot .

I've done the work , I've gone to therapy , I've done all the things . So at this point I don't ghost people anymore . I'll never do it again , but it was really hard for me and I can see where that person . Probably I don't think I feel like looking back . I I lost him . I lost him .

He was a good person , he was a really cool person and I lost him as the ghost , and so I do regret it . I did feel guilt and shame and all of the pain . Um , so I just a lot of people say , oh , the ghost gets away scot-free . But I did it and I did not get away scot-free . So that's just a little kind of side note to our journaling conversation .

You just dropped out of you know , dropped off the radar , and I wasn't doing that consciously . In my own life , it's times when I haven't been consistent with a friendship . These are usually , you know , maybe social relationships .

Friendships is because , you know , there's a forest fire in my life and I don't have the emotional energy to be in this intense friendship relationship over here because I have to tend to this right now . This feels like the most important thing to me and I only have the emotional bandwidth to handle this over here .

So even letting go of letting go of the problems and just going for words like how am I feeling right now ? Frustrated , sad , angry , anxious . You know just your journal . What does your sadness look like today ? You know , letting yourself be as creative and free

. So journaling without restriction , journaling without a prompt , because it's all about . How do I need to show up on the page today ?

Have some levity with it , like talking about you as the ghost or the ghost , like being a little bit silly with it , like saying that ghost was so ridiculous and I am so glad they're out of my life because they were , like I don't know , spoiled milk out in the rain on a Sunday night .

I mean just bringing some paradoxical , paradoxical humor uh to it so we can lighten , because sometimes we are so , so serious , yeah , and everything feels so intense and tragic , and if we can somehow walk ourselves back and say it's not a tragedy . It feels horrible , but it's not a tragedy . What could be worse than this ? What could be worse than this ?

What could be worse than this ? And then exploring , I remember when I felt good this is what I did when I was feeling good and go do that so you find your own prescription that way . This is what I did when I was feeling good and go do that , so you find your own prescription that way . This is what I did when I was feeling good .

Oh , I jump roped , I hula hooped , I danced in the rain . Go do that . Go do that . Put a little sugar and spice on your life , yeah . I love that , go , do that .

It's one of those books that you can just open up anywhere and just get a nice little teaspoon of sweetness to lift your mood . I wrote this book in 2019 after a client of mine . I was running a integrative pain management program at Cleveland Clinic and I'm in the middle of my lecturette and one of my clients went unresponsive .

So the doctors and nurses rushed in and I went and stood next to her and started reciting these affirmations and the nurse said well , what are you doing ? And I said I'm reminding her of her affirmations . She still hears us . And then the nurse said to me me , if you write those down this weekend , that should be your next book . I'm gonna buy that , wow .

And I said , okay , I'm gonna go write it this weekend . So November 19th , 20th and 21st of 2019 , I um , I wrote , I wrote the manuscript and then I put it away , and it wasn't until I was talking to Jennifer Loudon once and this was an early 2021 . And she was like don't you have a little project just laying around that you haven't published yet ?

And I was like , oh my gosh , I have word medicine and I published it on Juneteenth of 2021 . So I'm going to ask you to give me a number from 10 to 130 . And I'm going to open up to that page and see what we land on .

. And I love the spiral , you know , spiraled life , you know . So this is what it says on page 22 . I embrace and appreciate this precious present moment .

That's a good one for someone that's been ghosted , slowly returning to themselves by incremental momentum , and so a journaling prompt would be how did I move forward today ? How did I move forward today ? What did that look like ? And on the other page it says I returned to myself . I come back for myself . I will never leave myself on the curb again .

I stay connected to myself , I stay supportive of myself , and when I forget and leave myself out in the rain , may I remember to come back to myself once again .