Sex Ed from Pop Culture

a clip from pop culture. It could be anything about sex, and you, as an expert sex educator, are going to break it down for me and for the listeners, and very importantly, at the end of the episode, I'm going to ask you to rate the scene from zero stars to five stars okay on the Emali Nagosky scale of how great is this scene in terms of like, is it violence portrayed as sex or is it actual doing the work of sex educators everywhere and making everyone sex

life better? Yep? Pop culture can do everything in that range. Yep. I know that you are a little averse to pop culture. Yeah, to say that I live under a rock is maybe it's not an understatement, but oh, it's very close to the description. But in particular things about sexuality in pop culture. Because I'm here to answer questions about sex with science and So many of the myths that people bring to me in their questions are things they learned from pop culture.

So the reason I'm willing to experience this torture of listening to some pop culture thing is because I think it's important for us to break down the myths as they are represented to us. But some pop culture things are really positive. Some of them are really good, and it's worth highlighting those two. Actually, let me just do a little survey really quickly. I get a sense of where you're coming from in your pop culture knowledge. Are you ready? Have you ever seen Sex in the City.

I have seen a fragment of one episode. Okay, okay, good to know. Have you ever seen the Tracy Ellis Raws show Girlfriends? No? Okay, have you ever seen the show sex Education on Netflix? I have only seen the meme of the girl who says, have you read that book? Come as you are? Only Negowski? It's really good, just because like a hundred people sent it to me. Do you know most women's volves don't look likely do on Pornhub? I was thought mine was a bit ugly because it's

not only top ten, but actually it's dead normal. Should we come as you are. It's a great book. Okay. Good to know that your starting place for pop culture references is media that you are mentioned in. Okay, So for this episode, I'm going to start with a softball for you, and I think it is something you have actually seen before, because you mentioned that you love the show ted Lasso. Yes, so you barely watch any TV.

But what do you like about ted Lasso? It was just this summer that I started watching it, actually because I was looking for something like really positive, end uplifting without a whole lot of like stressful drama. And it hit that note and then some and I didn't know that it was going to have such interesting sex and

relationship stories. I started it because like everyone was talking about it, and then I was one of those things where I just pressed play on one episode and then somehow, like eight hours later, I had finished a whole season. Oh yeah, and then your day is gone, yes exactly, and I'm crying and I'm like, I can't stop thinking about these characters. And also I was so shocked because it's a sports show and I'm not a sports fan right me either. So I'm going to set this clip

up for you. It starts in season two, Episode two, and Roy Kent, as you know, the gruff, lovable former team captain, has recently announced. I know I have a real life Roy Kent in my life, my brother in law, and it makes me just love the character so much. Oh my god. So Roy Kent recently announced that he's retiring from football aka soccer, and he's trying to figure

out what to do next. In the meantime, he's living with his girlfriend Keiley and coaching like a children's soccer team, which is so adorable because he takes it so seriously. So cute. Okay, So one day he comes home from coaching and he is looking for his girlfriend, Keiely, who's at home, and he finds her in bed with her phone and she's making some noises. What's she doing now, Nothing? I thought that you were an intruder, and I didn't

want you to steal it. All right, I'm gonna pause this clip because I can tell you already have something to say. So to begin with, I want to say it's a reality that in a long term, committed relationship, people who masturbate before the relationship may still masturbate solo even though they have a partner. It is normal and in a long term relationship, especially a cohabiting relationship, if partners are masturbating solo, people might walk in on each

other while masturbating. That's a thing that happens. And Keenly's first response was to throw her phone, and that actually surprised me because she is a character who I mean, I think if her as a person who would not be bothered by being interrupted or seen masturbating, like, she's not afraid or a shame about her masturbation. It's one of the things I love about her. It's what she's

watching that she's worried he'll find out about. But if that's the case, it still makes her extraordinary because a lot of people, whether they're the one being walked in on or they're the one doing the walking in, might have this big flash of shame in their body because we have absolutely been taught to be ashamed of masturbation. So here we have close to ideal modeling of how to engage with the reality that a partner is masturbating solo,

even though in their committed relationship. Okay, so let's keep going with this scene. Bye, come on, I'm embarrassed. Whatever it is, it's fine. I like watching couples have sex in the woods. Why because I could never be that free. Come on, let me see, I should know what guesse you're going. Okay, I'm gonna pause again, and we're not done with the scene yet, but I feel like you're going to have some big sex educator energy reaction to

what's happening here. I love that Roy wants to know what she's watching, especially that he says, whatever it is, it's fine, right, That's what makes it completely okay. If he wanted to know because he felt jealous of the porn or judgmental, or wanted to affirm that he isn't grossed out by what she likes, that all would not be great. But instead he's just purely curious. He wants to know because he feels like it could enhance his

practice as a lover. Right, He is not questioning out of a sense of vindictive like I should know what you're doing sexually because i'm your boyfriend, because I want to be in control of your sexuality, right, or there are some things that are okay and some things that are not okay. He's just like, whatever works for you, I want to know so I can help get you

more turned on? Right, I love it. And he's so confident in this like gorgeous, non judgmental, curious attitude that they each have toward each other's sexual minds that he helps convince her that he really won't judge her by describing what he watches, and when she's surprised by that, instead of being judgmental, she just asked why, and he says, he says, this is so important. He says, the thing that characterizes much porn consumption. Like a lot of people

are going to relate to this. He says, I could never be that free. Why do you watch videos of people having sex in the woods? I could never be that free. Here we have Roy Kent. He is the quintessential hyper masculine professional footballer. I could never be that free. He watches it because it's something he fantasizes about but would never bring himself to do in real life. And

it's amazing that he knows his limits. And like my heart, in my heart, I really hope that he is really welcoming, accepting of his limits and doesn't judge or shame himsel for not wanting to have sex in a potentially public place because that hits his brakes. It's normal. I mean, it's normal for it not to hit the brakes, and it's normal for it to hit the brakes. And I hope that he accepts and welcomes and loves that he is who he is. Honestly, one of the reasons I

chose this scene is because of that line. I think you bring up such a good point, because like sometimes the porn we watch or whatever we watch for stimulation isn't about something that we actually want to do in real life. It's not like it's a one to one. It's just hitting our accelerator or triggering our accelerator, right am, I right, But it's not like, yep, necessarily we have to want to do that thing if we're watching it. Exactly.

The context of watching something that activates your accelerator is totally different from the context of actually doing something that maybe it activates the accelerator, but in real life it would hit the brakes, like having sex in the woods, right right, right, right right. I think a lot of people can relate to that. So I want to take a quick break before we get into the next part of the scene, where we talk about what Keely has

been watching. All right, Okay, so we're back with a special pop culture analysis episode that we're calling real Talk Fake Sex, And in this episode we are talking about ted Lasso, one of the only contemporary shows that Emily Nagaski has seen what I have actually watched. Okay. So Roy catches his girlfriend Keely masturbating to something on her phone.

He asks to see what she's watching, and they have a little back and forth, a delightful back and forth about that, and then Keily hands him her phone and we see that Keely has been watching a YouTube video of her boyfriend at a press conference. I am announcing my retirement. Wow. Okay, So it turns out Keeley is masturbating to her boyfriend announcing his retirement and crying yeah about leaving the sport he loves. Oh my god, the fuck? This is your kink? Maybe I pathetic? Not being pathetic,

you mean passionate and vulnerable. When he thinks about that video, he thinks that it's him being pathetic. Yeah, but Keiley. Keiley's like, it's not pathetic, it is passionate and vulnerable. It's this reframe that tells us what she really loves about him, not that he's a football player, but that

he can be passionate and vulnerable like that. For some reason, I love the characters who like never smile in public and they only ever in public express masculine emotions and masculinity you're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to win, and you're allowed to be horny, and that's basically it. But if this stoic never smiles in public, never expresses other emotions, then you get him in private and he shares with you. They're soft, squishy insides. You get to

feel like you earn that tenderness and that vulnerability. That's mister Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Right in the beginning, he never smiles, he's never sweet. But in the second half he comes back and there's all this vulnerability and passion and it's like he's a fried cheese stick of a man with his crispy exterior and the warm, gooey inside.

Of course, it is hot that she has granted access to his mozzarella insides, and I actually think that the disappearance of Roy's bull nobility and passion after he retires makes really good sense. Of course that goes away. Here's the guy with the job that intensely validates his performance of like high masculinity. You know how there's like high femme. This is high masculinity. He is hairy and strong and big.

He's a professional athlete. And the confidence there are people who chant his name because he's good a sport, but because it's so validating, it gives him this confidence that turns into permission to reveal his vulnerability. When he's with his girl friend, she gets the gooey inside. He proves that he is masculine enough when he's on the pitch so that he doesn't have to prove that when he's alone with her. And now because he has retired, he

doesn't have that validation anymore. The confidence that comes from all of that validation, the confidence of the he knows he's masculine enough to be vulnerable with Keiey. And of course she misses it. Of course she does. After he sees what she's watching, Roy says, this is your kink. I'm curious what you think about him using the word kink there, Like, maybe he's just using that term colloquially,

but what's going on there. I think he's really using it just to indicate that he doesn't understand why that would be sexy for her, in particular, when he finds it the opposite of sexy, he finds it humiliating. It would make sense for him to assume that what turns her on is his masculine self. Like she's dating a footballer, why wouldn't she masturbate to a video of him scoring a literal goal? Because that's how he understands masculinity, that

it's that performance that women are interested in. And I don't think at any point he thinks that she's turned on by a video of anyone crying, which would like put it into like I just like I love watching people cry and that's what turns me on. I think he understands from the beginning that it's the video of him crying that turns her on. Well, it's interesting to me that Keiely is turned on by this video even though it's not sexual or explicit per se. What do

you make of that? Not sexual? According to whom? Because it clearly activates Keiley's accelerator right as far as her brain is concerned, this is a sex related stimulus so strong that any amount of breaks hitting does not interfere. She is into his emotion, his passion, his vulnerability that it turns her on. Okay, So now I want to bring you the last part of the scene. We leave the moment where they're talking about the video and the masturbation.

The episode continues. Gets a new job as a pundit on TV talking about soccer, which is something that Keely had encouraged him to do because she thinks he'll love it, and he does. He loves it. So he comes home from his first day on the job and he's feeling overwhelmed with emotion, overwhelmed with happiness. But it's impossible to tell if Roy Kent is happy because he just looks permanently grumpy. Had a guy come Bibe say something, Well,

you're just gonna pretend that you hated it. You're amazing shits you many today, Okay, So let me just explain what's happening in the scene because you can't see it, Okay.

So Roy takes Keeley's phone and he starts looking something up on it, like typing into it, and he says to her, he says, I want to thank you properly, okay, and then he kneels in front of her, like in between her legs, he puts her air pods in her ears, and then he hands her back her phone, tells her to press play, and and it's the video of him crying at his retirement speech. So for the listeners, basically he is going down on her while she watches this

video of him crying and in scene. So, I've watched the whole series three times, and the first time I saw this, when I realized why he was putting in the air pods, I gasped and my jaw dropped and I cried. I loved it so much because he's giving her what she likes in a way where he doesn't have to hear it himself. He just gets a big old mouthful of puss. I didn't think about that that, Like, he is not turned on by it. So by giving her the AirPods, he doesn't even have to hear it.

It's all for her, right, And so for him to bring it back up to be like, I know this works for you, and I have no shame about that, and I want it to keep working for you if it's working for you, like that really struck me. I would like to point out that what he chooses not only does he choose the video. He also chooses Kona Lingus. Maybe they have intercourse later, but like he chooses Kino Lingus first, and season one established for us that Keiley

likes Kona Lingus. So he's choosing two things that really center and prioritize her pleasure totally. Yes, So imagine a real life Keiley and Roy couple, Like, how would you see a video like this or stibulus like this playing into their sex life Because I mean, I don't think they would want to be watching it all the time, or she would want to be watching it all the time. It feels to me like in the story, it's fulfilling the role of the vulnerability and passion that she used

to have access to directly through the man. And as he continues to feel validated and connected with the game he loves, which affirms his masculinity, he'll stay confident enough to be vulnerable with Keeley and not lose the passion

and that authenticity that she finds such a turn on. So, based on this scene and what you were talking about about vulnerability and maybe things that turn people on being emotional, Like, do you have any advice for real couples that might be turned on by vulnerability, but struggling to access it with each other. Yeah, I think the main thing to

understand is that we act invulnerable for reasons. Whether you're following the it's a girl script you were handed or the it's a boy script you were handed, you were taught that certain emotions were acceptable and other emotions were not acceptable, and you literally were punished for expressing the emotions outside of the script that you were told was

here's everything you're allowed to say and do. So I was told that I was ugly when I frowned, right, and boys are told to be little men, boys don't cry. Could we've actually been punished for these things. So if we struggle to display these things in front of our significant other, it's not for no reason, right, But there is a lot of sexy potential when we behave outside of our scripts. Yeah, Because like for me, you know, I'm attracted to mostly films and women and seeing them

get angry is really hot to me. And that's something that was outside of the film script you know that we're told is acceptable. See, And what is it about

the anger? It's not the anger per se, right, that's hot, right, It is the trust and authenticity that they're exhibiting with you, that they know that you welcome that from them, that it's okay, that you feel safe and you're not worried about them expressing anger in front of you, Like we are connected in this moment a way that is not obstructed by all the cultural noise about what emotions are acceptable. That is a hot take down. I think it would be advanced to begin with tell me what you think

about or watch when you masturbate. Some couples are ready for that conversation, but maybe just start with a gentler conversation about tell me some of the good things you'd like about our erotic connection, and gradually build up to tell me what you think about our watch when you masturbate. I love that this has not turned into a conversation about watching stuff when you masturbate, and couples you know, watching different things, but really the deeper conversation about emotional

erotic connection. I think you take a break, what do you think definitely cool down? Yes, take a little cool down, get a cold glass of water, and when we get back, Emily, you're going to rate this scene as a sex educate. So Emily, I have devised a five star rating system.

It is a zero to five star scale. Zero being an active violence portrayed as eratica maybe something you would have seen on Game of Thrones not to name any names, but actually yes, to name a name there, and five stars being like incredible, something that made your work as a sex educator easier. I'm actually going to give this scene at four point five. Wow, hell yeah, a very

high rating, right, a very high rating. Yeah. I mean, you could have chosen something to torture me, but instead you chose one of my favorite things in media, So that's great. So what makes it a four point five? What do you like about this scene? I love their curiosity and non judgment of each other's erotic minds. I love their communication. I love that they don't diss each other,

but they do ask questions. And on a superficial level, it's a good model of how to approach the fact that your partner masturbates without you, or the fact that you masturbate without your partner. Right, that's the superficial level, But on a deeper level, I feel like this is a good model of how to navigate gender bullshit that all of us are carrying around, regardless of your gender or your partner's gender. There is some junk that is just in you, and it prevents us from becoming our

full erotic selves. And this is a great example. Without requiring Roy to change and become a person who like articulates his feelings and flowing sonnets, he can still be himself and also not buy into the lies that he's not allowed to be vulnerable or passionate and that for someone to love that about him is a kink. But I can't go to a full five, right why. I understand that they needed to be efficient in a storytelling.

I'm making a television show, but I do wish there were more non genital touch before he goes right for the vulva. Oh right, we can't see the video, but he goes full face into the crotch in the final scene. Right. So I like to imagine that in real life he would spend some time with his hands all over her, and his mouth on her knees and her in her thighs and like all that very sensitive area before he

goes anywhere near the clit. And I want to mention that I am making assumptions about her genital organization, that he's a sisgender woman with it's a girl's parts. We don't know that for sure, but I'm going to assume THATTT for expediency right now. Another part that's missing is that she's really worried. He says, give me your phone. She doesn't know why she's giving him her phone. It's only when she sees that he put on the video

that she knows everything is okay. And she goes from worried too aroused in like two seconds and again expediency. It's a television show, but like in real life, it would probably take more of a warm up page. Sure, that's a little bit unrealistic. All right, So you're giving the scene from ted Lasso a four point five. I'm putting it on the books, I'm marking it down, and I'm sure the producers of ted Lasso will be very impressed by that. Oh, they are definitely listening right now,

and they have a lot to say. I'm getting okay. So next week we're going to answer another question, and it's going to be about a concept that you introduced me to, Emily, which is the Enthusiastic Maybe Okay. Commas You Are is a production of Pushkin Industries and Madison Wells. It's hosted by Emily Nagowsky. You can find Emily on Instagram at e Nagosky and on Twitter at Emily Nagosky.

You can also sign up for her newsletter at Emily Nagowsky dot com, where she writes about everything from the clitterest in your mind to orgasm after having his directed me. It's an incredible newsletter. Highly recommended. This show is co hosted and lead produced by me mo La Board. You can find me online at mola Board and on TikTok at podcast dot slut, Sorry mom My. Co producer on this show is the fabulous Brittany Brown. Our editor is Kate Parkinson Morgan. Sound design and mix by Anne Pope.

Executive producers are Mia LaBelle and leetal Malade at Pushkin. Thanks to Heather Faine, Carly Migliori, Sophie Crane, Courtney Guarino, Jason Gambrel, Julia Barton, John Schnars, and Jacob Weisberg at Madison Wells. Thanks to Kylie Williams, Elizabeth Goodstein, and Gg Pritzker. Additional thanks to Rich Stevens, Lindsay Edgecombe, Frolick Media, and Peter Acker at Armadillo Audio Group. Original music for this series was composed by Ameliagosky and arranged and recorded by

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