Checking In w/ Setting Boundaries

In with Your Girl Michelle Williams. Hey, everybody, welcome to another week of Checking In. Yes, I know I say this every episode, but I can't continue to do new episodes without y'all listening, without you guys downloading. That's why I'm able to still be here again because of the support of you guys. So tell your cousins, tell your friends, tell your boo, your baby baba, your baby daddy, tell

them about Checking In. Or if you feel like an episode of mine would be beneficial to someone in your life, you know, just send them the link, you know what I mean. How y'all doing this week? Y'all doing good? So far? I am doing well. Thank you for asking. I'm excited because this past weekend was the first annual Black Effect Podcast Festival here in Atlanta, Georgia. Sold out

three thousand people in attendance. The Black Effect Podcast Festival is the brainchild, the baby of Charlemagne of the breakfast Club Effect. This is his network and he and his amazing team over at Black Effect were able to pull off the very first annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. I am so inspired because I don't think people realize how much goes into preparing something and it's your first time doing it, because you have those fears, it's anybody gonna support. Well,

people show up, what's gonna happen? And oh, I was so inspired and so because of you guys and showing up. People came from Turks and k Coast, Arkansas, Cincinnati. People showed up and showed out. So thank y'all for coming. My girl Brie, she and her mom were in the building. I believe I know. I saw Brie to my right on stage right. So Brie, if you're listening, thank you for coming. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you. It was a lot of fun. So my part at the podcast Festival was myself and the ladies of Reasonably Shady Giselle Brian and Robin Dixon, who are also cast members of Real Housewives of Potomac. Well, Michelle, why did you do a podcast with Reasonably Shady? Why did you guys combine podcasts? Well, first of all, it's because of relationship. I have known Jaselle Bryant for maybe for about twenty years when she was married to Pastor

Jamal Harrison Bryant. That's how we met because Jamal and Gazelle are good friends with a pastor and his wife out of Chicago where I used to live, and Pastor Bryant preached at the church and I met Gazelle. We hit it off, so that was cool. So yeah, we had a blast. We had a blast. We had a time. We hit certain hot topics. We talked about somebody wanting to run for president. I think it's Afroman wanting to

run for presidency. We talked about I brought up Chloe Bailey and how she's been getting a lot of heat because of album sales or people have been I think inciting and trying to sow discord between she and her label, Parkwood, which is owned by Beyonce and so y'all know I had to speak into it. I said that people were wondering why didn't Beyonce post about Chloe's album on her Instagram? So I mean, had Beyonce posted on her Instagram? Okay,

this is how I feel. I feel like people don't support someone's art until they see someone of a certain name get behind it. So would Chloe have sold a million copies if Beyonce posted it on Instagram? Why didn't y'all buy it? Anyway? Well, Beyonce, Beyonce didn't support. Beyonce did a lot of Let me tell you something, Beyonce

has supported. Chloe is signed to Parkwood, So anything attached to Parkwood is attached to Beyonce, meaning the staff, the pr the people that help with the visuals and glam Why y'all think Chloe and Haley been out here killing it glam wise? Why I think they've been on certain platforms. So Beyonce don't need to post nothing on her social media pages because Chloe and Haley. I don't give me. I'm not sure if Haley is signed to Parkwood as

a solo artist, I would think that she is. We know Chloe is, we know the group is Chloe and Haley have a group deal, right, but then you also have your individual recording contracts as well. So it's like Destiny's Child was signed as a group, right, but then we all the three of us had our own individual

recording deals as well. Just to get the technicalities out the way, kind of spoken too that because I also felt like had Beyonce posted, then people would be saying the only reason why Chloe is doing as well as she did was because beyond sy talking about it and support it it blah blah. So this is the saying that you cannot win for losing when you When a person thinks they're doing a good job, there are gonna

be people who are going to think otherwise. So my thing is, don't wait for anybody to post about anybody's project on their social media pages. If you know a person has an album coming out and you like what they put out as art, you go press ad to Kart or by Now or whatever it is how and you support their craft. Don't wait for Beyonce to post it. Don't wait for Jesus to post it. If you like it, you support it, don't wait. Because I feel like I

have even experienced where I felt like certain pages. If I was on certain pages, I would even get more follows. Like if Kelly posts something about me, or if I'm seeing on Beyonce's stories around her website, I get more follows. And it's kind of like, keep your energy over there, because if you're only following me because somebody posted about me, you're not a real supporter or fan of mine. If you're only following me based on my association, keep it.

I personally want, and I think I can speak for Chloe. She wants people who are going to support her, whether or not there's been some audible or some type of visual endorsement from someone. Again, I think Chloe Bailey has had all the endorsement that she needs basically just being signed as an artist to Parkwood. Chloe writes her music, she's a musician, she plays multiple instruments, she's an actress. She's been killing it. So that's what I was able

to kind of speak into. There was questions from the audience. We were able to also read questions that people sent in, like should you take your bottle back after you leave an event if they don't use your bottle of wine or an alcoholic beverage, or hey, if you brought gingerrell to the party and if it went unopened, is it

correct etiquette to take your unopened bottle back. I spoken to that and said, hey, if it's a potluck type thing, you know where people bring potato, a salad, a pot of greens, some chicken, you know, some sandwiches, you take your stuff back. But if say someone invites you to their house and all you have to do is show up, the polite thing to do is bring a bottle or even dessert. Like I've been to people's homes where they're like, man, just show up. We got a chef coming tonight, just come.

So the polite thing to do is don't come empty handed. Bring a nice bottle of their favorite wine or beverage. Even if they say we've got beverages taken care of. It's just nice to show up with something. Or sometimes I'll stick around to even help clean up. I was just talked that way. You just don't go to people's houses and not do anything or bring something unless they

are adamant. I've even had people say you can bring something if you want to, but we're not gonna take it because I've had people say, we just want you to come and rest and enjoy and be spoiled and loved one for the evening. So that's why that's when I think you take your bottle back. Is if it was like a potluck style, if work had a pot luck, or you and your girlfriends decided to get together, and if it goes unopened, or even if it doesn't, you got some left over. I would take my bottle back.

But again, if I'm going to my girlfriend a mirror house for dinner and her chef cooked or but I'm gonna bring a bottle, and whether it's unopened or not, it's gonna stay in their cabinet. So it was things like that. There were a few shady questions about people's love lives and all that good stuff, and so I don't know if it was on that episode, but I was like, yeah, are y'all will never hear about my love life ever again? So that's how I feel about it.

I'm gonna stick to it all right, So let's get into this episode of checking in. I don't know if y'all have been following me on social media, but I have really been about safe people and boundaries and someone asked me, how do you know if you're honoring your boundaries? On the post where I said are you a safe person to yourself? I said, I know being around safe people, being in relationship with safe people is wise, But are you a safe person to yourself? Do you give yourself grace?

Do you honor your boundaries? So someone asked me a really, really, really good question, what's an example of honoring my boundaries? So even at the podcast festival I brought this up. Honoring your boundaries looks like this. Some of you are getting good at maybe setting boundaries with family members, because family members, especially when you're on a healing journey, when you've been to therapy, or when you've become self aware, when you're to the place of okay. I will not

tolerate disrespect in any form. I don't care from who, because I even feel like family, especially people from the older generation, feel like they can talk to you any kind of way, and they use the excuse I'm old, tiny, so I can say whatever I want. No, just because you're seventy years old does not mean you can talk to me or my children, or my husband or wife, my dog. You just can't talk to us any kind

of way. I feel like if you're twenty years old, seventy years old, ninety years old, that there is just a certain way you talk to people. Now, I have some relatives who are a little unfiltered, but because I know the posture of their heart, I don't necessarily get offended. But there are some people who are unfiltered who want to be malicious. They use their mouths as swords, as knives,

as daggers. That's when it becomes problematic. Now you can probably identify one or two people in your family or friend circle. There are some of y'all, even me, who are like, you know what, I can only be around so and so for about thirty minutes. So the boundary is you set a boundary. Okay, I'm gonna go to this family picnic and I'm gonna only stay for thirty minutes.

You have set a boundary because you know that after you being somewhere for thirty minutes, somebody starts acting a fool, or they start asking you questions, because once they get comfortable, it's kind of like they real you in and get comfortable, then they start being disrespectful. So honoring your boundaries also means, Okay, I'm gonna go to the wedding, even though my family crazy. I'm gonna go to this wedding. But I know of AIN'TI. So and so says something to me disrespectful. I am

going to say, unso and so, this is disrespectful. Or you may say, if someone gets disrespectful, I'm going to leave. That is your boundary. So once someone gets disrespectful, you pick up your handbag or your pocket book, or you're what do you call it, your knapsack of whatever it is that folks are wearing nowadays, and you exit stage left, You get in your card, and you go home. That's

what honoring your boundaries mean. Also, honoring your boundaries could be as simple as somebody you that's listening right now. You might have somebody who's aways negative. They get on the phone and you might say, honoring a boundary is I'm only talking to so and so for five minutes, because when six minutes hits, they just gonna start being negative and complaining, and they're never they never want a solution anyway. They just want to vent and complain and gossip.

A boundary is I don't want to completely exit their life nor do I want them to exit my life. I just know that I can only be around so and so for about five minutes because then it goes left. That's a boundary. So I have been reading something by least it's the Arbiter. But therapists Nedra Glover Tawap talks about boundaries. She's the author of Set Boundaries, Fine Piece, a Guide to reclaiming Yourself. Okay, boundary setting is a form of self care that's just as important as eating

well and getting enough sleep. We treat self care as an optional practice, y'all. Boundary setting should not be optional. Okay, it should not be optional. So I love how you know. She talks about the best way to express boundaries. She says, communicate clearly and follow up diligently. Keep your message short into the point. She says, state your boundary in one or two sentences. He said stick to This is my

solution for this issue. For instance, I'm happy to travel to your family's house on Thanksgiving, but I don't want to stay the entire weekend. I need some time to decompress. She says, don't bring up the past. You don't have to say that time you made us stay ten days was miserable. She said, you don't have to do that because, she said, that can cause an unnecessary argument and derail your conversation. And don't tack on too many details which

may obscure your point entirely. She says, once the boundary is set, you need to reinforce it, which might mean repeating yourself several times. She also says, you know, how do you get started? You know, choose a few non negotiables, like I take a walk every day at lunch, or I set aside time to sit in silence every morning and do them without apology. Schedule them in your calendar if you need to. Self care practices are most effective when done daily, but every bit, Oh what if I

get pushed back? She answers, and says people may question or simply ignore your boundaries. Okay, Rather than shutting down or lashing out, you ask them what's fueling their need for you. Once you know their concerns, collaborate on a solution. You might need to explain how this boundary will make you happier, which benefits you both. For example, you can say, you know, my mood improves a million times when I sneak in a twenty minute walk, so I'll be a

much better dinner companion. So you have to Now you have to state this. Now, this requires a bit of vulnerability on your end. So, for instance, I set a boundary with someone because I feel like I even feel like they were kind of disrespecting my business protocol. What is your business protocol, Michelle? My business protocol simply means how how I like to do business. My business protocol is how I like to do business that does not

incite anxiety, tension, worry. It's I have streamlined my life and my business in a way that is peaceful and it's great for my mental health. So I simply needed to shift a few people in how I do business. So I won't go into specifics, but I just set a boundary with this person, and their reaction to me setting the boundary was all the confirmation that I needed of as to why I set the boundary in the first place. They salked the s u l k ed.

What does sulking mean? Well, let's look it up. Sulk means to be silent, morose, and bad tempered out of annoyance or disappointment. So the person was probably they were disappointed because they won't have the same access to me that they normally had, or the access that they have looks different. You still have access to me, but not

in the same way. This. I needed to do this for my mental health, and their reaction to this day lets me know that I made the right decision because I feel like too people will take advantage of the access that they have to you. You'll become familiar, you become common with people. When honor has left the building. I'm not saying tie my shoes. I'm the most boring client people have. When I go to events, They're like,

can we get you anything? As well as be like, nope, I can go get my own tea if I need to get it. I get my own coffee, I get my own snacks. You know, I love to keep some sort of independence. So when you set a boundary, a person will be disappointed. But if they loved and if they want to be in your life, they will make the adjustment. And you'll know that if it was all for them and they were being self serving, they're going to pitch a fin They're gonna act like an immature child.

They're gonna go in a corner and cry and yell and throw a whole temper, but that will continue to show you every reason why you needed to set the boundary. And I even told this person, I said, Hey, the reason why I want to do things this way, I said, because I feel a shift in my mental health When I work this way. My capacity is better, my mood is better, I'm not feeling overwhelmed. So I feel like people should honor the requests that you have. So I

just wanted to share that with you. There are so many cool questions in this article says how can I say no when my family asks for my help? The answer says, by again Nedra toab Those of us who are people pleasers assume others won't like us when we advocate for what we want, But people tend to appreciate honesty and don't abandon us if we say no. The key is to strike a balance between your needs and

the needs of others. The next time you get a request by yourself, time so you can think about your decision instead of giving a knee jerk yes that you'll have to weasel out of later. I've been so guilty of saying yes to something that I wanted to say no to, and then I find myself dreading something when it's time for me to fulfill that request that I said yes to that I really wanted to say no to, And then that puts me in a bad mood because I feel like being in a state of complaining that

you said yes to something, I feel like low. Where is your vibration? I feel like it just being in it, just a habitual state of complaining about something. It's like you should have said no to it, but no. So I'm getting better. I'm getting better. I am getting better because you feel like people put you on the spot. But what you got to do, they said, is ask what exactly does this entail? How long do you expect

this to take? Have you asked anyone else? This gives you time to collect your thoughts and get more information. I've said yes to things and I show up and I'd be like, yeah, we didn't ask the right questions because I don't have no business being here. But you have to show up because all people have is your word, all right, that's to anything. If you don't want to go to the cookout, just be like no and no

is a complete sentence. You don't have to offer no explanation, Well, why you don't want to come because I don't want to, Why you don't want to because I want to just watch TV at home. But again, you don't have to explain why you don't want to go somewhere. You just don't want to go, and that's okay. No is a complete sentence, and even yes, if you want to go,

just say yes and keep it moving. But if you say yes, but you're like, I'm only gonna stay for thirty minutes, depending on my mood or depending on how I was going. But there are times where I'm like, I'm only gonna stay for thirty minutes. Then I find myself staying for like three hours because I gotta read a room. I gotta figure out how this makes how

I'm feeling. So yep, So y'all pray for me, because there are times where I'll say yes to something and I just won't go because anxiety kicks in and I'll be like, who all gonna be there? And I'm gonna be stuck lots of time. That's why I like to have my own vehicle when I go places, because I don't want to ride with nobody and be stuck. I gots to go on the spot. Should I feel like I'm ready to go? All right? I really hope y'all are enjoying and you've gotten something out of this episode,

because I always want you to be empowered. I want you to be empowered to make decisions and stay confident in the decision made. Don't backpedal if you said no to somebody, even if it's your lover or family member, and you like, what if you're like, maybe I just want to stay in tonight, I don't feel like I just can't we stay in or honey, you go, just bring me back a smoothie or something. Bring me back

a strawberry shake on the way back, you know. And I feel like your make should honor your boundaries too. Don't let anybody force you to go somewhere if you don't want to go. And you are also entitled to change your mind. Now I've gotten better at knowing that I'm probably gonna change my mind by giving a person a couple days advance or a week's notice, especially if an RSVP were involved, Because y'all, these plates cost so if it's one hundred dollars per head. As far as

how much something costs. Say you were invited to a seat at dinner and you decide you don't want to go, give that person enough time so that maybe someone else can get the seat to the event or that pass needed. And if you don't want to go, maybe you even have time to get a refund on a ticket that you bought, or pay it for it and let somebody else, like I said, have that seat, have that movie ticket, have that Broadway show ticket. If you should decide you

don't want to go, yes, you can change your mind. Okay, you can change your mind. So I really, really really get excited about the topic of boundaries. I think because I'm doing at her job at honoring the boundaries set. If I hear or if I sense a conversation is going in a certain direction that I don't want to be a part of, I exit because it's not gonna happen.

Ain't nobody gonna say to Nutra Michelle, she she's dude, Especially if it's a conversation that's not being held with safe people, Like there are certain times I know if I need to express a certain opinion, I know who I can do that with and it won't leave that circle, you know, what I mean. So I'm very very very cautious, very cautious on that. And so, like I said, my favorite books on boundaries is by doctor Henry Cloud and

John Townsend. It's called Safe People, or like I say, even Nedra Twab set Boundaries find Piece a guide to reclaiming yourself, which is quite powerful because a lot of us don't know who we are because we do so much for other people to where we don't know what our own needs are. Let this be the season where you get to know you. You can't have time and

space for you. Imagine a boundary as being aligne in the sand, and no one can go past that certain place, but only you can do not cross this line, because now you've crossed into my space. So when you've got one hundred people crowding your space and those one hundred people have need of you, and probably ninety percent of those people aren't reciprocating when it's time for in need of yours to get met, you feel empty. Maybe that's even being burnt out because you are fulfilling everybody else's

needs and your needs are going unmet. All right, Remember, boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships. Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships with others and a healthier relationship with yourself. It is so essential and so important, all right. Some of the signs that you need to set boundaries is you're neglecting your self care, you're overwhelmed, resentment has start to show up. So some of those signs that you need boundaries. You make comments about helping people and

getting nothing in return. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself. A lot of avoidance happens, all right, So let's break that. Let's break that and just know. Yeah, even if if you've setting boundaries with parents, that can be scary because parents probably think, well, I birthed you into that, brought you into this world. So any free time you have but know it, don't know it, don't mama. You go to bingo,

go to sowing class. I'm gonna go take a walk, I'm gonna go work out, I'm gonna hang out with my friends this weekend. So people will adjust to the boundaries that you set, even while they're kicking and screaming, they will adjust to the boundaries that you set. Listen, you will thank you later. Even the quality of your relationships will improve. I am seeing an improvement in my relationships by setting boundaries. And guess what, have people set

boundaries with me? When I look back, absolutely, absolutely absolutely, and things change, people's family dynamics change. Right. So, while I'm yet talking about me setting boundaries, I also have sensed if a friend has set a boundary with me. You know, baby, they're like Michelle when she called me, she gonna want to talk an hour. I only got thirty minutes, and that's okay, that's okay. So we never want something to be one sided, right, you know what

I mean? So I just wanted to share that with you too, so that you don't get offended when you notice a person might have set a boundary with you. It don't mean they don't love you, It don't mean they don't want you in their life. But something in their life was they were neglecting, or you know, something was lacking that they needed that extra time to themselves. Okay, I want you to know that you all are absolutely amazing. I love you dearly. Okay, all right, keep checking in,

keep checking in, keep downloading this podcast. I'm so appreciative of you. Thank y'all for sliding in my DMS or in my tweet to let me know how much you have been enjoying checking in. We're family, and again I'm appreciative of the Black Effect podcast network through iHeartRadio. All Right, y'all have a great day. I love you so much and you know there's nothing you can do about it.