Checking In w/ Candice Marie Benbow

her so much. She's a theologian essay as columnist baker y'all, Yes, she can bake, she can cook, and an educ who has written for Essence, Glamour, The Grio, The rout Ye, Shonda Love Network, and about black women shared experiences of faith, healing, empowerment. Please welcome. I'm going to say the full name Candice Marie Benbo. Thank you.

be going to be difficult and challenging. No, it's like, oh, y'all, I went to school for this. I kind of discovered now, this is different than what we've been taught, or this has been different than what we've just been regurgitating. And that's why I'm so excited to have you here today to speak on all things baking, women's empowerment, your fitness journey.

So it's it is a very today. I feel good, like it's one of those moments where years removed from losing my mom, I am I know how to navigate these moments in ways that I really didn't have it at the beginning of our journey, of my grief journey. So it's a it's a good day. It's a good day.

learn how to adjust in the moments. Like I tell people all the time, like I lost my mama, I didn't lose an apen, right, So like when when you lose anyone who has a significant play to significant role in your life, that's a huge adjustment. So there are moments where I can think of my mama and laugh

and going about my day. I are moments where I just like, my mama is really gone, and then it's a sobering And then there are days where it can be so heavy that the only thing I did was get up take a shower, and I got right back in bed, and it's stilts as heavy as it did the day that she passed. But I've learned how now, thanks to therapy and thanks to you, and thanks to just friends and reading and learning more about different grief journeys,

I've learned how to navigate those moments differently. So it's not it's never I would never say that it gets easier. I just think that we learn with time how to navigate each kind of moment that grief is.

to go to therapy. So I started therapy that January, and my therapist just she just walked with me like she was just like, you know, they're gonna be days where I mean, we talked about all of the different stages, agreed, and she was like, there're gonna be days where those are gonna be interchangeable for you. But one thing that she she said and I share with people, is that

I never let anyone else's journey become mine. So, you know, there was one of the things that I learned from me was the only way that I could grieve wrong, And I say that in air I put that in air quotes. The only way that I could grieve wrong was to not honor that I was grieving right, Like if the moment that I was like, oh, I'm fine, Like this is no like, I had to I had to be very honest. I had to be really honest about the way that things it undid me and my

own undoing. Yeah, I had to build myself. I had to be built back up right. And so I think when you are going through a particular moment of just profound sadness, profound loss, you don't really know right what's right, like you you just you don't know and and and you will make mistakes. There are things that I did and in the midst of grieving that I looked back and I'm like, yeah, I was out of my mind.

But I also had to give myself the grace of like, girl, you had lost your mama like you so and when you lost your mama, you lost your mind like you didn't know, and so you've got I've had to learn to give myself an abundance of grace and just say, you've never been there before. You didn't know what what that meant, you didn't know what to expect. But you're here now, and what can you take from that to apply to the times where it's going to get heavy again?

fall makes me think of my dad. And literally a couple of days ago, I shared with someone I said, I missed my daddy this morning, so I began to just listen to some of his favorite songs that I knew that he liked, just so I wouldn't like thank you know, you know, just have a although I allow, I don't want to. I don't want to allow myself. I don't want to fall into a depression, right because

I am aware of what happens around this time of year. First, because people already deal with the seasonal effective disorder, that seasonal depression. Right, So you couple that with if you ever went through seasonal depression, imagine coupling that with the loss of your mom, even though it has been eight years. So what you shared someone definitely is going to.

did not include my mother. So I was already and this included going when I was in college, when I was in grad school, even when I was living in Jersey before my mom passed, I would go to when I was on my way to church, and when she was on her white church, we were calling each other, so it I never had a I didn't have a memory of church that didn't include her. So when I was going to church, it hurt. It was heavy right then.

I The other reason why was because I had I was really tired of hearing trite cliches that really didn't help me. So when my for.

I don't know, doesn't make any sense. And so then another person came and said to me. This was when I was really like, okay, I can't. My mom and my dad were not married, and this was a particular pastor that my mother was was really close to in the city, well respected, and I thought that he was just coming to give condolences. And he gave condolences and moved me to the side, and he asked me. He said, if I knew if my mama ever repented, And I said, well,

repentant for what? And he began to tell the story. And my college I actually talked about a little bit in the book, but my college sweet mate Janelle was right there and he began to tell the story about how my mom and I already knew the story that my mom went to stand up in front of the church and apologized when she was pregnant, and so here

it is my mama had just died. We were at home in my mama's house, like we were in my mama's house, and this man that she had such a profound respect for was essentially asking me, did my mama make sure that she repented before she died so she didn't end up going to Hell? And I'm like, I cannot be anywhere where there are where anybody's preaching at this point, because it's just it's gonna make me mad.

And then there was a moment where it was months later, I was not doing well and a former one of my one of my former pastors, reached out to me, and I thought that it was going to be a good conversation, and he said to me, he was like, you gotta figure out this grief thing because too many women are looking at you and you're not teaching them how to grieve well. And you don't want your mama to look down and wonder if she didn't do right

in the ways that she taught you. Can it? Yeah, At that moment, I remember I got off the phone with him. I pulled on my phone and I deactivated all of my social media accounts because I was just dad, and I was like, I can't be in church anytime soon. But what's funny is I was like, I can't be in church, but I can't be I cannot not be a part of a faith community like that was it was. It was that like it's that church girl. Like I was like, you can't forsake it's simply at the Saints.

It might not be church, but it's going to be something. And so I joined a Buddhist prayer community and I'm met with them weekly and I read my Bible. I have a playlist of YouTube sermons the Bishop ge Patterson. I listened to them come on Me like I listened to them for a year and a half and and I'm I'm was born missionary Baptist. So I love aligned him. So I had a I had a playlist of lined him. Yeah, I just I dug deeper into I dug deeper into the ways that I was feeling my mother around me,

and I'll never forget. I went to see one of one of my mentors, Pastor Anthony Bennett, in Connecticut, and I told him, I was like, I'm so sad. I was like I can't even pray, Like I was like, because there was this moment where I was just like, what is happening? Like this is this is do heavy? And I was like I can't even pray. And I told him, I was like, I open my mouth and i want to say something, but I'm so mad at God because I just don't think this is fair. And

I'll never forget what he said to me. He said, every time you.

help you now. And I hung to that because I so there are several things I knew that it didn't matter what I what I did, it didn't matter how I constructed faith for me. Coming out of this moment, I knew I was always going to go back to church, and church was going to be included in it because

church was dear to me and my mama. Right like it is like to this day when I go back to my family church, my home church, Saint Stephen, which is where Saint Stephen Missionary Baptist Church in Winston Salem, they tell the story of how I was in the fellowship hall as a little girl telling other kids to be quiet and like telling everybody what to do. And somebody said, whose child is that? And they said, that's Helen benbo granddaughter and you better leave her alone. And

they said, well leave alone then. So like they tell these stories of me and church like I am not who I am without church, like standing up and reading the announcements like I like, yeah, I knew I was gonna go back one day, but I needed to be healed and I needed to be whole, and I needed to parse through what I had been told from what I knew to be true, and I think that that is more a lot of us the journey that can hurt because whether it takes whether we go on that

journey through loss or whether we go on it because we just got a lot of questions and we need to be able to answer them. It takes a minute to adjust from the reality of all of these things that I heard, and I believe that they were God's voice because the people that I love and the people that I in my saying it that that doesn't necessarily

reflect who I knew God to be. To me, that's a hard moment, and it takes a lot for you to go to get to a point where you are where you are comfortable in saying this is the relationship that I have with God. It is deep, it is strong, It fouls strong those wills that found it and grounded me. But it's also my own right. That was the journey that I took after Mama passed.

I know exactly. I've had family members that have had children out of wedlocks and they had to go down to the front of the church and apologize and repent or be or you couldn't sing in the choir no more, you had to. And then get this, when the baby is christened, the baby's father cannot stand up at the altar with the baby, mama and family because they were unmarried.

me you was the source of life. And I was God, I'm not gonna. I was not gonna do that. And so I held that even as I was raised in church, where I heard some stuff like you know, like I was basically I grew up here in Simon's my whole life that told me that I should be better than my mom because my mama, my mama had me, and she wasn't pregnant. I mean, she wasn't married. I grew up with a mom who very much raised me with this very kind of feminist outlook and defiance when it

came to that. But then she would also say crazy stuff that I heard, and I'd be like, no, Mama, where you where do you get that from?

this adds to context. So the day before my mom passed was the terrorist attacks in London, and she and I were talking because I was scrolling Facebook and I was seeing all these people say God did this to get our attention, and I was like, people are dying and God didn't need to do this to get our attention.

And my mama told me to stop. She said, because people are doing the best that they can, and they are giving what they have been taught and there they are being as as kind and as gracious as they possibly can be. And she said, and one day they're going to say these same things to you. I will. I'm getting chills thinking about it. She said, one day they're gonna say these very same things to you. I didn't think that the next day that the one day

was going to but I had to learn. I don't think and I will, and I don't believe that people are malicious, right, like even that pastor who asked that. Now, while I believe that it was rooted as some sexism and some patriarchy, I don't believe that he did not respect them and love my mother. I do believe that we can hold to some very rigid and unloving interpretations of scripture and religious culture that will make the very

people that we love and respect enemies when they shouldn't be. Right. Yeah, And so I don't think that when I was, when I was growing up in church, that everybody who made me feel bad for my parents being who they were meant to. And now I think that that's part of the work that I know that I have been called to do, is because even if you didn't mean to make me feel bad, you did. And so how do we heal those horns? And then how do we also

ensure that they never happen again? And the only way that we can ensure that they never happen again is to have some very hard and honest conversations, one about scripture, one about how we frame our relationship with God, to how that relationship then impacts our relationships with ourselves and

with the people around us. That's the only way that we ensure that there are not people who who walk out of church or who walk out of encounters of people that should have been caring and loving and say I don't want to do this no more.

he hasn't studied or maybe have. It's kind of like we can also say things when we haven't traveled a lot in the world and allow other differences cultures, beliefs, races and everything set among people. And like man, so and so has a good heart no matter what you know, if you don't believe, but they have a great heart. And the thing is we want everybody to be peaceable,

be loving, and embrace the differences. But it's we got it, Like, come on and stop being ignorant because people are being hurt. You were hurt. You mentioned your book. I've been following you so long. I remember when you were writing the book. You get in the first cofee the release date of the book and just the launch of that book. And y'all, this is the book, and I'm going to give you

the full title. It is called read Lip Theology. The Church Girls who've considered tithening to the beauty supply store when Sunday morning isn't enough. And you've mentioned a couple reasons why you would rather tie to the beauty supply

store and did. And indeed, yeah, and I was going to share how you know, you write about the experiences in your heart as a black woman in faith, So you're sharing all these experiences, any beautiful experiences that you've had from the before your mom passed or even after your mom passed, regarding how you were able to get back, meaning so you had you literally you took a break from actually attending church understandably, so right, and anything that

you discovered beautiful before then or after who.

are not alone. And that for me was the peace that I needed to move back into the space of of saying I needed to be a member somewhere like it's it's so it's also funny too. And I think that that we we don't recognize, particularly for single black women who are raising church, just how much church creates a sense of normalcy for black women who aren't married, because folks get folks. If you don't if they don't see you on Sunday, if they don't see you throughout

the week, then ain't on something going on. If you have this kind of regimen right, you were able to know that something was wrong with my mom because my mother goes to to she goes to church, or seven she goes to the seven forty five. She went to the seven forty five service at her church. She was always home by six, so when nobody heard from her after six o'clock, we knew something was wrong because she at home get every every Saturday by six to go

to church. So, particularly for me as a young black woman, even though I'm very I was still connected to my pastor in New Jersey, even after I took a sabbatical, which was which was important to me to tell him that I needed to take a breakthrough. And he was very supportive and was like, well, and his wife and him they treated me like they're one of their kids. And they were like, well, you ain't got to come to church, but you're gonna come over here and eat,

like we still need to lay out. That's right. But there was a moment where I was like I need to when I moved here to Atlanta, I was like I need to be a member of a church, like I need to be a part of a congregation. And I'll never forget like going in there, going back in church.

The first time that I was able to go in there and enjoy service and not feel heavy because my mama wasn't there, and that I could remember, like I there's there was a there was one part where I didn't know that it was youth Sunday that I was going and that the kids were ushering, and I remember when I was a youth usher and I just smiled the whole service because I was just happy that there were like parents who still took that kids to church and let them usher, because you know, that don't be

happening all the time, so right, And so it was for me that I wasn't just I didn't just find a safe space. I had found room to be back a part of a legacy that meant so much to me and mean so much to me that I mean now I will say I asked to be a part of the and I hope they listening too, because I did have to be a part of the hospitality ministry. And what happened like I went old enough and I told her. I was like, I can't cook. I promise I can cook, And she was like, okay, well we're

gonna call you. They never did.

Whereas there was a season on my life where they had to literally come and check on me because I was that sad and things were that heavy. So like they were like, we just came to lay eyes on you, right, we need to make sure that you were okay. Now they come and they like they literally give me their list off all the stuff they want me to cook before they get here. I love it. And it's just it's such a it's such a beauty. I would say this for anybody who is grieving, for anybody who is

going through loss. When you talk about beauty and finding it, there's something very beautiful about being able to reflect on the journey, right, like there was to be able to be in a moment where I remember when friends were coming and just holding my hand because I had been crying for weeks. So now they're like, so you you didn't make no macaroni and cheese. I asked you a

week ago. You ain't got none, you know, Like so so that like you will, there will be moments where I and I this was the mantra for me, because that life could still be beautiful. That like, even though colors so dull to me after my die, even though there was just like there was just something different about life, it could still be a beautiful life. And so I remember,

I want to say so. I moved to Atlanta October of twenty twenty and I moved into my townhouse in twenty twenty one, and I remember praying to God and I said, God, I want something to make me have a state of awe every day, like I want to for all of the deep wells of grief that I knew, I want to know deep wells of joy. And I mean I prayed that, I pray that come on, And I said, for as sad as I was, I know I can be that. Come on, Yeah, I know I can be that happy, and there would be I can't.

I can't tell you when it will happen for you but I do know that there would be a moment that you look back and you will experience something that makes you feel as happy that in a way that you never thought was possible before, and you will say, I'm gonna hold on to that, like I want to feel that as much as I possibly can. And that's the moment that you realize, Okay, I can do this

thing called life like I can. I can. I can live without this person in this particular iteration of my life and I can be happy like that was that was it for me? Like that was when I yes, it can be beautiful?

to respectably. We know things are going on between Israel and Palestine, and so thank you for that because I've had to read and really, because I'll be honest, how much of things have gone on. And we said, oh, well, that's all the way over over there that don't have nothing to do with us. Now, I'll read the news about I'll be vigilant and pray. But we got to do more than that.

make people who should not be our enemies our enemies. So that is that that's one of the things that as a theologian, is important to me that we think through is how like, wait a minute, how do we separate what we've been taught from what actually is? Like how do you how do you create room? And I think you said it earlier of just like what does it mean to be exposed? Like I had friends as

a little girl. It was important from it was important to my mother, and not all of my friends were Christian.

I remembered having friends who were Jewish and who were Muslim, and I had friends who didn't believe and like and I have friends who were Buddhists, and that I was exposed to all of these very different religions as a little girl and experiences as a little girl because my mother's friends were diverse, and I remember she was always telling like, you can believe what you believe, and other people can believe it too. Can believe what they want

to believe. But just because they believe differently than you does not mean that they're evil. It doesn't mean that they're wrong, and it doesn't mean that you're right. This is what we believe in this house, and this is

what we believe in this family. And so what I hope is that even even in a moment like this that is so charged and so painful, is that we can also assess and say, what am I doing in my life that is either working towards or working against people who are not like me to feel included, people who I don't believe like me, to feel loved and to feel accepted. If you are not working towards inclusion and acceptance, then we really got to think about are

we showing Christ's love? Like? Are we showing what it means to be good humans? Even if even that's and that's before faith, like, am I a good human being? Right?

thank you, and it really is your podcast. Today, I wanted to make mention of something that we don't just speak on this, but I want to make mention of something that I saw you do in the past. You did a campaign to help provide black women housing grants because we are more likely to be behind on rent than white men and five times more likely to be going through the eviction process than anyone else. And so I wanted to bring acknowledgment to that.

More sisters asked than any you know, any time. And so at the summer, I think we ended up with like five thousand applications and it just really goes to it was really heartbreaking because we had more applications that we have funding. But it goes to the heart of what so many women are going through, so many people are going through. I Will also says we already hit holiday season, yes, you know, and I that's a hard

time for a lot of people. And one of the things that my mom taught me and I've learned how to do this more was she would help during she would give to campaigns and stuff during the holidays, but she would always save to do more in January and February. I'm like, why are you doing that? She was like, because some people will do all that they can do to make it through Christmas and they won't have enough for January and February. Yep. And so she wanted to and as a mama who think a mama who was

doing it by herself. She knew what that was like, so she would do that. And I've done it too, And I tell people all the time if you can think about the top of the year for people, because a lot of people get a lot of help during the holiday season and then need a lot more at the top of the year. But yeah, you can go to my bio the link of my bio and it's there and it's available.

And y'all please look out for Candace. There are times where major publications call on her to give commentary or do a column. It's just not faith, y'all. She tore people to snither rings you know, regarding Meghan the Stallion and tourn Okay, okay, she did not play about Beyonce when it came to the Renaissance tour, when it came to Church Girl, Okay, you gave me language.

get credit. But what you just give us language and you give us the kind of and your boldness helps me, say, strengthens me, makes me be a little more bold because I'm just gonna be fully transparent. You know, we were brought up in the time of even of artists development and being an artist. Yes, you can stand there certain things.

You can have your causes, but lots of times we just keep quiet, not because we don't have anything to say, not because we're heartless, but it's gonna take us unlearning and getting out of the fear of what will happen. Yeah, all right, because it is. We've been sometimes, we've been told people don't only care about your music. You ain't a politician, all right, you know what I mean? So thank you for getting so many get out to speak for me language.

gonna let y'all know when it's coming. So my cousin come on. My cousin called me and she was like, why was you a church announcement? I was like, girl, that's that's your auncle too. So he was your uncle the same day.