Music. And welcome to Change Your Relationship with Food, the podcast hosted by me, Kyla Holley. With many years' experience as an eating disorder and bariatric therapist, I know exactly what it takes to help you break free from your diet history and develop a more healthy relationship with food. Please follow this podcast to make sure you don't miss a thing. Today, I'm going to introduce you to a whole load of ideas from a clinical modality that I often use called ACT.
And ACT stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This is something that I really like to use. There's loads of clinical modalities out there, which are basically ways of working with people. And generally, as a therapist, we're drawn to one or two or three of them, ways that feel right to us to actually work with people. And there's numerous modalities out there.
So it's important when you engage with a therapist to talk about the way they work, because people work in very, very different ways in this field of expertise. And it's important that you get somebody who talks your language, gets you, who understands you, and who offers you a way of working that feels right to you. And I've explored all these different options over the years and ACT is something that just feels right to me. It feels very truthful, it feels very doable.
I want to introduce a few of the concepts that we can explore within ACT that might apply to us all and the first one is something called the choice point. So for choice point I want you to imagine there's a road ahead of you and there's a fork in the road. And basically the fork in the road is the choice point. When we come to that choice point, I mean, as the name suggests, we have a choice. We can take the left-hand path and engage in behaviours that take us away from what we want to achieve.
We often label these behaviours as bad habits, but we tend to call them away habits under ACT. Alternatively, we can take the right-hand path, which take us towards our goal. So in this modality, we talk about away moves and towards moves rather than sort of good or bad behavior. As humans, we tend to make more of those away moves when we're not paying attention, when we're acting mindlessly. So what we need to do with this choice point is actually put in a pause.
Time for us to actually think before we make a choice. The first step is just to slow down, slow your breath down, breathe in slowly for three or four seconds and then pause and then exhale for three or four seconds and then pause again. gain. Just find a rhythm that's comfortable for you with your breathing and just let it be natural and just notice your breath as it goes in and out.
So just paying attention to this brings a sort of mindfulness to where we are at that moment and what we're doing. Make some space in your head for the thoughts and feelings that you're having and allow them to kind of flow through you and And then ask yourself a question. What sort of person do I want to be right now? So this is you attaching to your values, who you want to be as a person, not the goals. So it's just taking a pause to think about who you are, where you are before
you go ahead and make a decision. And as part of making that choice, we want to consider what our values are. So will our actions take us towards our values or will they take them away from our values? And I'm just going to cover what the difference is between values and goals because that can be quite confusing as well. Values describe how we would like to behave in life.
So the qualities that we would like to bring to our ongoing behavior, and they could be things like my value is to be more loving or to be kinder. My value is to be more honest and open. My value is to be more appreciative of the people around me. My value is to be more sensual or sexual.
Intellectual my value is to be more disciplined or enthusiastic or active there's a whole host of different values that we can have in life and we can think of a value as a quality of action a quality that we want to model or embody in our behavior and we can use these values as our compass we can let them guide us as we travel through life and when I work with the people that I see values work is something I do quite early on to establish
what your values are and to try and align your behavior with your values. And it's basically so you feel true to yourself. Because if we don't feel aligned with our values, if we feel that what we are doing is opposed to our values, that's very uncomfortable for us as humans. As opposed to goals. So goals are something that can be completed, can be ticked off a list. It's done. I've finished it. Whereas values are ongoing for the rest of your life. They're who you are.
Whereas goals tend to be more short term. So if your goal is, for instance, to go for a walk at lunchtime, then you can achieve that. It's done. Tick. Whereas the value behind a goal like that might be something like take self-care. I want to take better care of myself. I want to look after myself better. I want to improve my health. And that's something that's sort of never finished.
You can never tick a box to say, I want to take better care of myself because it's something that you have to keep doing all the time. It's not a task. It's not a goal. So a few examples of the differences may be between values and goals and things like that. And generally, you can attach an outcome to a goal as well.
So for instance, if the desired outcome is that you want to be fit and healthy, the values behind that might be something like self-care and self-development, which are ongoing throughout your life. But the goal might be, I'll get up in the morning and I'll go for a walk at 6am. So that's something you can tick off the list where self-care and self-development are ongoing. going. So for instance, your outcome, you might want to have better relationships with your friends.
And the value behind that might be that you want to be more caring and loving, which are ongoing desires. They're your values. But your goal might be today or this afternoon, I'm going to phone my friend and invite them out for a coffee. That's something you can tick a box box, four. So hopefully that explains the difference between your values, which we want you to kind of align with constantly, and your goals, which are short-term things, things that you can tick a box.
This all sounds very simple up to now, doesn't it? We have a choice point, a fork in the road where we have to make a choice and we can say to ourselves logically, okay, do I want my choice to be taking me away from my values or towards my values? This is all I have to decide. It's really simple. Establish what my values are and go towards them, not away from them. Sounds great, sounds simple, but the problem is what gets in the way?
Because we as humans, we often know what it is we want to do, what we want to achieve, but somehow we get taken off track. We get hooked into these feelings that take us away from being able to be logical and to make those choice point decisions. And one of the most common ones is what we call the I'm not good enough story. And this comes in many, many forms. So I want you to think about what your own personal I'm not good enough story is.
You might have several, you know, a lot of us have several I'm Not Good Enough stories in all sorts of areas of our life. So the I'm Not Good Enough story is one of the best kept secrets on the planet. We've all got one, but we don't really talk about them. So we're all working around with multiple versions of this I'm not good enough story.
So it could be that you're saying to yourself, I'm fat, I'm stupid, I'm incompetent, I can't cope, I'm not smart enough, I'm not special enough, I don't fit in, I'm boring, I'm unlovable. I keep screwing up, I haven't achieved enough, I'm too lazy, I'm selfish, or I'm a control troll freak or I'm too judgmental or I'm a bad mother or father or daughter or son or I'm not attractive enough. I'm too egotistical or I'm too anxious or I'm too depressed or I eat too much. I don't exercise enough.
I never get it right. It's all my fault. I've got no willpower. There are many, many versions. You may have identified with all of those. Who knows? So it's time to think of what your I'm not good enough story is, what comes up for you time and time again. And I've just given you all those examples because one of them might hit home for you.
So we almost never actually own up to having these stories in the background I've certainly got them and virtually every human on the planet has got some sort of I'm not good enough story going on even though on the surface they might appear to be totally confident and totally above all that stuff there will be insecurities there we live in a culture that's kind of obsessed with this positive thinking. And it's a society that teaches us not to sort of acknowledge negative thoughts.
If we do have them, we say, well, they're unnatural, they're harmful, they must go away. We must think more positively and get rid of these negativities in our lives. And that's why we don't really own up to having these thoughts. And that's why I think, you know, from a mental health point of view, that's why we're in trouble really, because we don't admit that this is all going on in the background. If we start to admit.
All these I'm not good enough stories. Generally, people will think there's something wrong with us and that's why we tend to keep them under wraps, I think. They'll say that we're suffering from depression or anxiety or low self-esteem or something like that. But the truth of the matter is we all have these thoughts going on in the background. So it's naturally reluctant that we kind of come out with them and share them with people.
But I want you to think about your own at the moment because there's no shortage of these I'm not good enough stories going on inside of us. I would suppose that at this stage, a lot of you have acknowledged your I'm not good enough story. And the next thing you're going to be thinking in your head is in a second, she's going to tell us how to not think this stuff, how to get rid of it. And the truth of the matter is you kind of have to live with it.
There's no way of getting rid of thoughts that come into your head. I'll give you an example of how little control we have over the thoughts that come into our head because people think you can control this stuff and you cannot. So let's have a go at getting rid of some of the thoughts in your head and the first one I want to try with you is I want you from this moment onwards for the next let's say just 30 seconds or so I want you to absolutely not think of chocolate cake.
Okay? Just don't think of it. Just don't think of chocolate cake. Don't think of how chocolate cake looks. Don't think of the sort of soft sponge of chocolate cake. Don't, definitely don't think about the icing on top of chocolate cake. Don't imagine how it tastes. Absolutely don't do that. And don't imagine yourself eating it. Don't imagine the temperature of the cake, the texture of the cake.
Don't imagine how much you would enjoy the cake. Don't think of saliva forming in your mouth at the moment as you think of the chocolate cake. Do not think of the chocolate cake, okay? Now, did you manage it? Did you spend all that time not thinking of chocolate cake or is chocolate cake the one thing you thought of? Well, I would say it's probably the one thing you thought of.
The other thing I want you to do is think of somebody that you love, somebody that you really have a good time with, could be a partner or a good friend, just someone that you've had some really good times with in the past and you really feel a lot of affection towards that person. And now I would like you to completely forget that they exist. Okay? Are they gone? Is that it? Have they disappeared?
Because I want you to forget that person, forget they exist in the world and just switch that off and never think of that person ever again. Again, it can't be done, can it? So if we can't control those sort of simple feelings, how are we going to control the more serious feelings, the feelings about ourself and our inadequacies, those I'm not good enough stories that go around and around in our head? They're not things that we can just switch off.
So instead, we have to learn something called diffusion. fusion. To learn diffusion, I suppose we've got to recognize what fusion is, first of all. So what I want you to do is to fuse with your I'm not good enough story, first of all, and then I'm going to give you a little technique to just demonstrate how you start to defuse from that. And it's a really, really simple technique, but hopefully as I go through this, you'll really experience a bit of distance between you and the feeling.
So the first thing I want you to do is pick one of these unhelpful thoughts, one of these I'm not good enough stories. So let's pick one that I quite like. I'm just looking at them to choose one. So I'm too lazy. There you go. That's what I'm going to go with because quite genuinely, that's one of my I'm not good enough stories. I have quite a few I'm good enough stories, but I have quite a few I'm not good enough stories as well. And one of them is laziness.
I know that I'm an intelligent person. I know that I'm a capable person, but I honestly believe I'm a bit of a lazy person. I think I could achieve a whole lot more if I weren't as lazy as I am. So this is genuinely, absolutely me, and I'm going to run with that one. So my belief is about myself that I'm lazy. Okay, so I just want you to pick a belief that is relevant for you. I went through a few of them earlier, one that really jumped out for you that
you thought, yep, I can relate to that one. and just say it to yourself for a while. So I'm going to pick the I'm lazy. I'm going to take a few moments to actually sit with that and say, yeah, I am lazy. You know, there's been lots of things I could have achieved in life, but I was too lazy to actually bother to do them. So I'm lazy. I'm a lazy person. And I want you to sit with that and really fuse with it and agree with Yeah, I am. I am. I am lazy. This is part of my I'm not good enough story.
And I've picked this thought because it's it's something I really, really believe in. So I'm going to put it into a short sentence, first of all. So I'm too lazy to achieve anything decent in life. That's going to be my phrase. So again, think of yours. What's yours? Is it I'm too selfish to something, or I'm too unlovable, or I'm too boring? What's yours, what resonates with you, and really see if you can fuse with it. In other words, for the next 10 seconds or so, really buy into this thought.
Say it to yourself now, whatever that thought is, really buy into it and believe it as much as you possibly can. Okay, I'm leaving you to think about this for a little bit. So buy into that thought, say it again to yourself. My one is, I'm too lazy to achieve anything good in life. Okay. So notice what happens. How do you feel now about yourself? I would imagine you feel pretty down, pretty connected to that negative statement.
And it's a statement you've probably said to yourself time and time again. So this is nothing new. This isn't a new feeling for you. So now I want you to add something onto it and make a slightly longer phrase. And what I want you to add is, I'm having the thought that. So in my case, I'm having the thought that I'm lazy. So just say that to yourself about your own, I'm not good enough thought. I'm having the thought that I'm unlovable. I'm having the thought that I eat too much.
I'm having the thought that I'm not attractive. And just see if that feels like you've detached a little bit from it. Because all you're recognizing there is this is a thought that's coming to my head. You're not owning it. Remember before you were saying, I am lazy. And now you're just saying, I'm having the thought that I'm lazy. So all you're recognizing is the thought. You're not taking ownership of the statement.
And let's try and diffuse from it a little bit more and say, I notice that I'm having the thought that I'm lazy. So I'm having a recognition that there's a thought in my head that I'm lazy. So try this with your own negative thought, with your own, I'm not good enough story. And every time this comes up for you in future, I want you to connect through in the same way. So if something happens, you go, oh, I'm useless. You add in as a first diffusion technique, oh, I'm having that thought that
I'm useless. And then I notice that I'm having that thought that I'm useless. And then you can categorize it. And remember what we said before, how you can't control your thoughts. They're just thoughts. You can't control thinking about chocolate cake. You can't control forgetting somebody that you love. And likewise, you can't control having these, I'm not good enough stories in your head. What you can try and do is diffuse from them and see them for what they are. They're stories.
They're stories that you make up in order often to limit your potential. So what if I told you that you probably underestimate your own ability to accomplish things, life goals, the things you actually want from life? Would you be insulted if I said that? Or would you actually feel a little bit of hope?
And whatever your reaction, I'm going to ask you to consider there's two lines of scientific research that actually suggests that you and many other people probably underestimate what you're actually capable of doing. And the first way we know that people underestimate themselves is from what we call the placebo effect, which I'm sure you've heard of. So in research, a placebo involves giving people something that has absolutely
no medical benefit. So some sort of sugar pill, something that's completely inactive and inert. But we tell them that it will actually help them in some way. And the pill has no physical power to help. So when people are given a placebo, what we actually see in the experiments that have been done is that they still change quite often as if they've taken something real.
They experience reductions in pain in depression they experience improvements in health sometimes so clearly it's not the pill that has had any power or any effect on that it's actually coming from somewhere else something else is causing the improvement and it's basically the power in the person. So that person already had the potential to improve their life, but they needed a push. They needed the belief. They needed something to persuade them that it should happen.
And the placebo often does that. The second way we know people underestimate themselves is what we call the self-fulfilling prophecy. Let's just say that you are surrounded by people telling you that you are brilliant at something, that you have a real talent. Let's say, for instance, writing.
If you're surrounded by people telling you you're a brilliant writer, that they loved what you wrote, and that you're incredible and you're going to write a best-selling book that's going to be made into a fantastic film franchise, and you're going to become hugely successful because you've got unparalleled talent. If you had the belief that that was so, because so many people were telling you, isn't it a talent that you would actually naturally invest in?
You would start to believe, yeah, maybe I have got a lot of potential here. Maybe I should commit to this. Maybe I I should learn more. And then you would actually fulfill that prophecy. You would become a best selling author. You would write something really good and clever because those people initially were all telling you that you were really good. And that instilled that belief in you that you could be really good.
You might not have actually had the talent at the beginning, But if enough people told you so, you would actually invest the time and the energy in doing that thing in order to develop the talent. Because it's the I'm not good enough script that holds us back. It limits our potential.
And when we go back to right at the beginning, when we were talking about the choice point, we have to believe in our ability to be able to make changes at that choice point and choose the actions that take us towards what we want in life and not away. So not get distracted, not lose our mindfulness and actually make choices that take us towards our values and not away. I really hope that's given you something to think about this week.
Think about the I'm not good enough story that you've been holding on to probably for way, way, way, way too long. And start to think beyond that, distance yourself from that I'm not good enough story that inhibits your ability to make change. And remember the sort of diffusion technique I taught you earlier, you're just going to continue practicing that until you start to really disconnect from the I'm not good enough story.
And it just seems like an element, a thing that you used to believe about yourself. I will catch up with you next week. Thanks for listening. Thank you so much for your company today. I would also love it if you could follow this podcast. It really does mean a lot to me. Also, we have a six-week online change your relationship with food course that you can take. Just visit www.acfeb.com and click on the ACFEB and me courses link.
There's also a journal and a workbook available on Amazon, and you'll find that link in our bio. I really hope you can join me again next week. Goodbye. Music.