Breaking Free from Food Rules: Discovering Healthy Boundaries

Music. And welcome to Change Your Relationship With Food, the podcast hosted by me, Kyla Holley.

With many years experience as an eating disorder and bariatric therapist, I know exactly what it takes to help you break free from your diet history and. Music. Develop a more healthy relationship with food. Please follow this podcast to make sure you don't miss a thing. I've been thinking a lot this week about boundaries. Boundaries in our work life, our personal life, and with our relationship with food as well.

This has been on my mind because I've been putting the finishing touches to a little mini course. They're going to be called Knowledge Bites courses. Little mini things that cover a lot of the common areas in life that we all struggle with at some point in time. And the first one I'm releasing is on people-pleasing. And with people-pleasing, we often compromise our own boundaries on,

to accommodate other people. And sometimes we really lose sight of who we are in the process because we're so used to compromising our own values and our own opinions to suit other people that we can't remember where we finish and they start. And this is where it can become problematic. We all people please to a certain extent in that we'll all make little compromises in our lives to accommodate other people. That's normal. And there's nothing that we need to worry about there.

Things like maybe going to see a film we didn't particularly want to watch. We would have preferred another film, but we've compromised. We're not that bothered. It's okay. And we also know that in future, that person, the other person is going to compromise for us as well. It's a give and take situation.

That's absolutely fine. That's absolutely normal. It's when we have dependency on the approval of others or the opinion of others, and we favour that over our own approval and our own opinion, that's when it can start to become a problem for us. So that's what this course is designed for, people who want to understand how they started to people-please, why they do this, where it comes from. So the course looks at the origins of people-pleasing, why you began to do this, and it explains that.

Then it looks at how you can stop doing this, how you can rediscover your own values, your own wants, your own needs, and how you can communicate those to other people without it resulting in conflict. So it's a little life skill. And as I said, there's going to be a few of these. The next one that I'm going to do is on procrastination, because it's something we're all guilty with to a lesser or greater extent.

I know this has been one for me personally in the past, so this is going to be something that's really worth tackling. And there's going to be a whole lot of these little knowledge bites on... All those common problems, things like anxiety, how to calm yourself down in situations when you feel overwhelmed.

And it's going to build up into a little library of knowledge so that you can dive into these courses when you feel you need that little kind of micro skill to help you get over one of life's challenges.

That's the plan anyway. That's the long-term plan. But it's got me thinking this week about boundaries and boundaries that we set around food. And I'd like you to do a little bit of reflection around this because we all have food boundaries. Some of them are actually quite healthy because they're flexible. Others are a little bit more like rules. So examine what yours are. In a standard day, what are the things, what are the kind of systems you operate under with food.

So some of those real strong, heavy duty boundaries might be things like, today I will only eat vegetables. That's a real hard boundary. That's a big one that's going to be tough to carry out. Or it will be things like, for the whole month of January, I'm not going to drink anything other than water, or I'm not going to drink or eat anything after 5pm every day. So these are all rules that you might be familiar with.

Maybe you've implemented them before or tried to, but a lot of people that come to me come with a lot of these kind of dieting rules, these big, cannot be broken. This is what I'm going to do and I'm going stick to it, 100% type rules. And inevitably, because the rules are so rigid, we don't stick to them. There's no flexibility there at all. So we end up breaking this rule. Then we go into that cyclic behavior pattern that I've mentioned so many times

now of having an absolute rule, 100%. We break that rule. And what we do next is called the abstinence violation response. Which basically means if we break the rule, what we tend to do is internalize the failure. We go, oh, I couldn't stick to that. I've got no willpower. It's my fault. Then we revert to our previous behavior. So in other words, we say, oh, I couldn't do it. I didn't have the willpower. Couldn't stick to that rule. I stuffed it up.

I'm going to go straight back to doing whatever I was doing before. That is dependent on how we see the lapse. So if we see it as being our fault, our lack of willpower, our failure, we're much more likely to revert to that baseline behavior. If we see it as an externalization, so if we go, if not for the fact that event B happened, I wouldn't have broken that rule. Then we tend to keep, get back on track sooner rather than later.

But these are the hard rules, those real rule-bound diet mentality type thinking that I always say to people, try and break free from that. What we need to set maybe around the food is more of a boundary rather than a rule. A boundary. And what is a boundary? A boundary is kind of the edge of the limit. That's as far as I'm willing to go. But there's a big grey area in between. So calling something a boundary, a food boundary, that sounds maybe more agreeable than food rules.

So try and think maybe if you were going to reframe this in that way and develop up a few food boundaries for yourself, what might they be? Have a think about that. The first one that I can think of, which would be quite a good food boundary to have, would be, for example, to say to yourself, I'm going to stop eating when I'm full. That's not a hard and fast rule because that's going to be different for everybody. Your sense of fullness could be completely different to mine.

If we both sat down at a table and ate until we were full, we could eat completely different amounts. And it doesn't mean that one of our experiences is more or less legitimate than the other. It's just purely that it's subjective. We're different people. Okay? So eating until I feel full is a boundary. But what do we need to do? Let's take a step back. What do we need to do in order for that to happen? We need to tap into how we actually feel as we're eating.

So instead of dealing like this as a rule, as in I'm only going to eat one cup of food or a cup and a half of food or measuring or weighing or counting calories, those rules that say this is my limit and this is how it's going to be imposed. What I'm saying instead with this is check in on how you feel.

Be more mindful. So in other words, when you eat, get rid of those distractions so that you have time to listen to your body so that you can hear what your body tells you without those distractions. I have covered mindfulness before, but it's so important for those of us that.

Too much or eat too fast or our food relationship gets out of hand and we over consume, adding a little dose of mindfulness into the mix is so, so important in those situations. So be mindful. Actually listen to your body. Slow right down. Quite often with fast eaters, by the time that full signal comes through, they've already eaten too much because they're playing catch up. They're going so fast that the signal doesn't get through in time.

So by the time it does, you're way past your fall in it. So slow right down. Be mindful. Listen to what your body's telling you. Actually appreciate the food. We often talk about, you know, our love of food. Actually really enjoy it. Appreciate it. Savour those flavours. Give it a good chew. Enjoy the smell. Enjoy the textures. that's all that mindfulness that needs to come more into this relationship with food. And then we talk about a boundary, eating till I'm full.

So all you're doing as you're going along is checking in. How do I feel? How full am I feeling? You know, if I had to picture like a petrol gauge, where would it be at the moment? Would it be at 60%? Would it be at 70%? Where am what's going on and when you reach the hundred percent full. That's your time to stop. Not because somebody's told you to, but because you know if you go further, it's actually going to, the pleasure is going to decrease rather than increase.

If I go further, I'm actually going to start to feel a bit ill. Or if I go further, I'm actually going to feel really bloated. Or in half an hour's time, my blood sugar's going to drop hugely and suddenly I'm just going to feel icky. So try and look at it as a whole experience, not just of eating, but how am I going to feel afterwards? So a food boundary is applied in a way where you go, that is going to be my limit. That's the boundary I'm going to set.

However, it's up to me to judge on a case-by-case basis where that boundary finishes. I hope that makes sense. What I really wanted to do there is establish what is a rule and what is a boundary. And let's talk a little bit more in term of boundaries with our food. So that's just one idea of a possible food boundary that you might like to employ.

You don't have to. That's the point of this. You have to come up with your own boundaries, not mine, not anything you've been told to do, but what feels right to you because you're the person that has to live with your relationship with food. So even though I've given you that as an idea, and I think that's probably quite a universal one that we could all actually pay attention to, it's entirely up to you whether you take that on board.

Have a look at your relationship with food as a whole and work out what you're applying to it. Are you applying rules or are you applying boundaries? And boundaries should ideally have some flexibility attached to them. Another idea that I often do, particularly if I'm going. For a meal, and particularly if I'm going with a group, is I check menus beforehand. I know not everybody does this, but I always class myself as a bit of a foodie. I want to get excited about the food.

I want to see what the menu is going to be, what's going to be on offer, what's this place going to be able to do for me. And then I check in on how I feel. What mood am I in food-wise? Because I don't want to get there and allow myself to be swayed by the opinion of others and end up eating something that actually I didn't, I wasn't that enthusiastic about. I didn't really want in the first place.

So I'll read through the menu and I'll check in and think if I was completely and utterly on my own, what would I be having? Am I in a fishy mood? Am I in a pasta mood? Do I fancy something a little bit sort of heavy and stodgy or do I fancy something light that is easily digested? What do I fancy? Does something on the entree or starter's menu actually appeal more to me than something on the main menu?

How are desserts looking? I kind of review the whole thing and I make decisions on, oh, okay, that looks really good. That looks good as well. That would go with that. That's all stacking up. And then normally with the dessert, I kind of have something in reserve in case I've got room for it, in case I decide that I'm going to have dessert. Some of the functions that I go to sometimes last hours.

So even though now I might think I'm probably not going to be able to manage dessert, maybe the whole thing lasts for hours. And by the time dessert gets offered, I'm actually, yes, I'll want one because time has passed by then. And quite often, especially with dessert, someone might lean over and say, hey, do you want to share a dessert? And that's something, again, I try to avoid. I don't want to eat your chocolate pudding. That's what you wanted. I'm not really a chocolate pudding person.

I would prefer the pistachio creme brulee or something like that. So I have an idea of what I want. What are my boundaries? What am I willing to do with food tonight? What mood am I in, for instance. And I set those little food boundaries.

So have a little bit of a thought of this. Going back to the people-pleasing ideas, I want to just run through a few of them with you to give you a sense of what people-pleasing is and when we actually compromise our own boundaries in life and in food as well. So things like, do you often find yourself saying yes to requests, even though you actually want to say no? And how do you feel when you do that? How does that sit in your body?

Do you get that awkward feeling of, oh, I'm not comfortable with this, I don't like it? Do you feel guilty if you can't actually please somebody else? I had an example of this this week, somebody that wanted to work with me and I really didn't feel that we were a good fit. I really didn't feel that I could do my best work with her. And I also didn't feel that I was the best person for her. So I had to put my boundaries in place and say to her, look, I don't think we're going to be a good fit.

And I don't think this is going to make me feel good about the work I do, but I also don't think it's going to be the best for you. And she came back via email and said, I do understand the rationale. I am a bit disappointed though. And as I read those words, this feeling, this wash of guilt came over me where I thought, oh, I feel bad about that. I've upset somebody. Have I offended her or upset her. I haven't pleased this person.

It was only a very transient feeling. And then I managed to get myself back on track by saying to myself, no, I did what I did because it was for the best. And I am the professional, the health professional in that relationship. It was my job to put that boundary in and actually do the best for her, whether she remained my client or not. It's not about just doing the best for my own clients. It's about realising what I can and what I can't do for people.

And I had to put a boundary in in that place. But the guilt, it did tickle me for about five minutes afterwards. Do you prioritise the needs of others above your own? This is a really common one for the parents that I see that come to me that say, oh, the children have to be first. Do they? Do they in every situation? I completely understand sometimes our kids do come first, and that's really, really important. But does that apply in every single situation?

Or are we losing our own value, our own opinion, our own wants, our own needs, in this idea that as parents we don't have a say, that we only do the best for our kids. What about us? Where do we sit in that mix? Do you avoid conflict at the expense of your own opinions? Do you just find yourself agreeing with other people, just finish the conversation because the idea of conflict sits really uncomfortably with you? Do you feel anxious about disappointing others?

And also, do you say sorry for things that weren't actually your fault? You weren't responsible at all. This is a British thing for anybody that's living in the UK listening to this. We do this, us British people. We apologise for stuff. I have been walking along the street in the past and someone has crashed into me and I've apologised for being there.

Ridiculous. And we look at these things, you know, I'm sort of, I'm trying to laugh at this while I'm saying it, but the amount of times I've actually apologised for something that wasn't my fault and I wasn't responsible for. Not more recently, but certainly in the past, I'm quite guilty of that. People-pleasing, trying to make other people feel comfortable. So if this sounds like you, if you've answered yes to any of those questions, have a think about where people-pleasing sits in your life.

If it's something you feel comfortable with, you feel comfortable about your compromises and you feel that they are reciprocal, so you're making compromises in your life for maybe a partner or a child, but you also feel that you're getting enough out of that relationship, compromises are being made from their side as well, it's give and take, then that might be a really good example of a good, healthy relationship.

However, if you feel that you are really compromising on who you are, what your needs are, what your values are, and that you're actually feeling quite resentful because you're having to make all those compromises, maybe now is the time to address those and have a look at where this came from, where this part of your behavior came from. Without judgment, it's not about berating yourself and telling yourself off and feeling bad about yourself.

It's just adding in that extra layer of understanding of you so that you know you a bit better and you know where this come from, how this developed, and very gently offering you ways to practice little changes so you can start very slowly to adjust your behavior, to think about things on a different level, and to give yourself that pause, that little gap where you get a chance to actually decide consciously what you

want in a situation rather than just going on autopilot and agreeing with somebody else.

So I hope that's given you something to think about today. Think about food boundaries and what you might put in place, which will make you feel more comfortable within your relationship with food without installing those hard rules, those dieting mentality rules, but also have a think about people pleasing.

If that course interests you, I'm actually going to put a link in the notes to this episode, but also these courses are going to build into a library and they'll all be available on my website, which is through the Australian Centre for Eating Behaviour. So have a look there as well. We've got professional courses, which are solely aimed at health professionals, people like psychologists, dieticians, GPs, psychiatrists, social workers.

And we have another section called ACFEB and Me or Change Your Relationship with Food. I've recently changed it to, which is more about you. This is about you changing your relationship with food if you're not a health professional and you just want to review that whole area of your life and learn new skills. I look forward to having your company next week where we have a guest.

So it's going to be less of me and more of them next week and i hope i enjoy your company then thanks for listening don't forget to check the links in the episode notes to our six-week change your relationship with food course and to the change your relationship with food workbook and journal which is available. Music.