So your mornings begin with the usual power struggle, asking, pleading and threatening to get your son out of bed. Your anxious he'll be late for school and then forget to turn in his homework, because you were never allowed to be late or miss an assignment as a kid. Well the principal and teachers think you're a bad parent, so Fia picks at her breakfast and complains that you never make anything good to eat, even though you bend over backwards
to provide more options than at a fancy brunch. Is she going to be unhealthy or get sick? David is wearing the same jeans and hoodie sweatshirt eight days in a row. What are the other parents going to think about you as a mother or a father? So Fia won't brush her teeth or hair, and as you're rushing out the door she remembers one final thing she just has to do before she leaves, and now you're out in the driveway honking the horn waking
neighbors up. Great, now there's a traffic jam, and you're going to be late to school and late to your job. So you grip the wheel tighter, you ride the guys bumper ahead of you tense. Your kids try to talk to you, but you see them silence because you're still upset about their dawdling. We'll talk about this tonight you snap as you drop your kids off at school. Now you feel guilty as you rush to work, also afraid that your boss is going
to be mad at you for being late again. Your mother's pressure on you to visit for the holidays, but you don't really want to go and you're getting the usual guilt trips and you'll probably give in. Look, some of you your dad was a little rough and authoritarian and you worry that you're letting your kids get away with things. Are you even being a responsible dad if you're not correcting them all the time? Because this new world of
parenting sometimes leaves you a little confused. The Johnson's kids are taking piano and an extra language after school. If they can do it, why can't your kids? What if you're not doing enough for them? What if they can't get into the right prep school or preschool? Will you be a failure as a parent? Heck, you're not even sure whether you'll need that money for college or bail given your son's behavior. Oh, that's right. You don't have money set
aside for college anyway. The braces, new roofs, summer camp therapy and car repairs have eaten away at that. And your house never seems clean enough. Why can't your kids just clean their bedrooms so you don't have to badger them all the time? And now you're dreading the battle over homework. You end up frustrated standing over your child's scolding. If you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking
three hours. And now here come the tears. And you forgot to lay out chicken so you're back to mac and cheese again again. And your kids still complain. And now dad's getting irritated because David can't sit still at the dinner table. When will he ever learn some discipline? And mom's getting anxious because she's sensing the coming explosion. So she has to run interference managing the emotions and taking the temperature of
everyone in the home. And that's exhausting. And now you have to help your daughter with that project that's really busy work anyway. So the dishes, they just sit in a sink for a while. What would your mother say? She never seemed this frazzled. What are you doing wrong? So you decide you'll finish up the project for Sophia because it's now bath time, another power struggle. And then a bigger struggle with bedtime. Only David has trouble
sleeping and you threaten him repeatedly to get in your room now. Good. That's end of day with a little bit of guilt and conflict. What kind of bad parent are you that your kids won't eat, sleep, do their homework or listen to you? Look, can you see how much emotional men to on physical energy this anxiety takes from you? It's exhausting and worse. It can destroy the very relationships that you cherish most. Mom's dad's I want
you to know this is that what I just described is very common. You are not alone. If you lived in my world, dealing working with parents all the time with strong willed nerd of virgin kids, you would know this is very normal. And so it's not that you're always doing something wrong. It's just hard. But we have to get control of our own anxiety. So let's make a commitment now because I want to finally look, we start to do school here. Stop
the yelling, the lecturing and the reacting that destroys your relationships. And this is about breaking generational patterns that you got from your own parents and creating a new family tree. The greatest gift I ever gave our son is breaking those generational patterns that I got from my dad who got it from his own dad. So I want this. So when your kids grow up, they don't have to struggle with all of these things. So that is what
we're going to discuss on today's episode of the calm parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin founder of celebrate calm. You can find us celebrate calm. So let's dive into this. I believe that your greatest enemy as a parent is your own parental fear and anxiety. And the great news is you can't always control the behavior of another human being. You can't always control your kids behavior, your spouses behavior, but you can control
your own. And if you will work on your own anxiety, you will see changes in your family very, very quickly. So let's look at the practical side of this first. Your anxiety never, ever helps or works. Anxiety causes you to get the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. Look, when you rush your kids guys get in the car, move, move, move. Instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly when you try to get them out
of the bed in the morning and you're in this anxious. Come on, we got to get up. I got to go to school. They move more slowly. Why? Because they know when you are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. And they're not rejecting your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They end up resisting you even more or they ignore you because the more words you use, the less
valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious and pointing out everything that I'm doing wrong. They fight you. And when you react to them pushing your buttons, they're now on control of you. The truth is that you and I as parents create probably 80% of the power struggles in your home. No blame, no guilt. It's just if we want to change this, we can't walk
around. Well, that child is so difficult. I know they are. I acknowledge that. Everything you say about your child is absolutely true. But what else is absolutely true is this. You have a lot of anxiety as a parent. Many of you have control issues and perfectionism issues. And that creates power struggles over issues that don't matter. The anxiety will kill your relationships. When you lecture, think about this. Look, lecturing is not teaching.
Teaching is a different tone. In the next podcast, I'm going to go through different scripts for you so you know the difference between anxious parenting and confident parenting. See, when you lecture, it sends this message, I don't trust you to make a good decision. So I'm going to keep badgering you. You can't do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you son
or daughter. It's about me because what we're saying is I don't really believe you can be successful. I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you and spending instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions because of my anxiety over your future. Look, that's what we're doing, mom. That you see what your kids are doing and you project into the future and say, who is ever going to marry this child?
Who would possibly hire this child? My preschooler just, we just got a call from school in the first day that my preschooler won't follow directions, can't still sell in a circle where you have a teen or a queen who sits in a hoody sweatshirt and plays video games all the time and you project out in the future and think that's the way they're always going to be and they're not. So because of my anxiety over your future, I'm going to harp on you
over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes to be successful. And I'm more worried about my own legacy because if you don't turn out well, then I'll have been a failure and I can't live with that. Sometimes we feel that, right, moms and dads, you're also saying this, this problem isn't really yours. It's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I feel compelled to make our family like fit
that vision, but I can't. So I'm going to try to make all these little, try to make all these little insignificant things just so to check off the boxes because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. And some of you have your identity wrapped up in your kids behavior. And when they don't do things the right way, I eat your way.
You take it as a personal upfront. After all I've done for you, I've tried to teach you to be kind, to be responsible and you can't even see when you hear yourself using that guilt trip, then you know your anxiety is out of control. So I'm going to try to keep this simple. I could just do the first step and it would be enough for this podcast. So I'm going to go into encourage you take notes on this because this will free you and
your family. So three steps to begin practicing this week. Number one step, stop. I just picture a red stop sign right now before you say another word to your child before you lecture, before you correct your child, before you remind your child one more time, just to clean his room and get the homework done and take out the trash before you do that, before you react, before you make one more comment, stop, stop yourself, simply stop yourself and
then ask yourself these questions. Go, go get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, but stop and think, ask yourself these questions is what I am about to say necessary. What do I hope to accomplish with this lecture or this correction? Is this just my anxiety and fear about my child's future dumping all over them? How will this tone affect my child? Will it create a defensive response or a more open response? Will this make my child feel
less confident or more confident? Do I feel compelled to say this like I just can't wait? And that's a big key because teaching is not lecturing. See, teaching sounds like this, teaching, calm, even matter of fact. But lecturing is often where I feel compelled like I better say this because if I don't say this right now, I want you to stop before you feel compelled, walk away from it. Am I taking ownership of or responsibility for
my child's choices and behavior? Is this driven by my need for order or because it's the way I've always done it and prefer it to be done? That's your own control issue sometimes. Is this driven by guilt? Is this fear over what my parents are going to say or what other people are going to think of me? So first step moms and dads, stop. Reflect on what's
going on inside of you. And then here's my guess. You probably won't say what you were going to say and that would be a good thing or you'll say it differently in the next episode of the podcast. I'm going to give you some actual scripts. So stop talking so much. And by the way, it's not like any of your lectures have worked up to this point. Because then that true, it hasn't worked. So stop doubling down. Moms and dads, I respect
you for working so hard to make your home safe emotionally for your kids. And of course, we're constantly thinking about the physical safety of our kids. And that's why I chose simply safe to protect our home. Now my listeners can get 20% off a system at simplysafe.com slash calm. Simply safe keeps getting better with exclusive live guard protection. Simply safe 24 seven monitoring agents can act within five seconds of receiving your alarm to send
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to be easier because that first one's going to be really hard for you. Step number two, sit down. You had just sit down. I know it sounds silly. It sounds stupid. I've been teaching this for 25 years, right? And people are like, well, can you give me some time step process? I could, but you're a busy parent. You don't have time for that. It's hard to remember in the moment. But when I'm anxious and I want to react, fight,
argue lecture. If I just sit down, I promise you it will change the dynamic. If you sit down and start coloring, that always leads to a better outcome. And so I want to share something with from a mom that wrote in because I think you'll really identify with her language. She said, you know what I appreciate so much about your program? She had been to the 30 days program, 30 days to call them and some of the other ones. It's like releasing
a pressure valve on my parental anxiety. You remind me that successfully parenting and connecting with my strong will kids is more about changing myself and managing my own expectations. When I find myself angry, it usually stems from a place of fear for their future or how others perceive us. That's a big one for us moms and dads. But you've given me permission. I love this language to not feel the need to control every outcome for them. So this
mom is now liberated because what are the words? I don't feel like I need to control every outcome for them. And that is a huge weight lifted off of you and off of your kids because they know they can't really please you. So I love sitting. I can sit anywhere at any time. It changes my tone of voice. Moms and dads call them even matter of fact tone. No emotion. What I'm communicating and we have 1500 kids in our home. I discipline
them all the same way I would sit. I'm communicating your world maybe out of control. Mind's not. I can handle anything that comes my way. I can handle you at your worst. I've seen this before. I have done this before. There is no drama. I'm not going to beg you. Bride you lecture you. Remind you 14 times. But I'm also not going to yell and scream at you either. I'm simply going to impart my wisdom to you. Now side note. Some of you because
I've noticed your comments on Instagram. You're like, well, I'm a big yapper. And all I can say to you is like, I love that you're a big yapper in our personal life. It makes you the life of the party. You tell great stories. But it is crushing your relationships. And I'm not saying this to be mean. It's just honest. You need to shut up. Sometimes you
need to just shut up. And I'm really not trying to be mean or jerky with that. It's that if you don't do that, right, you're going to hurt your relationship and it doesn't work. And look, sometimes it's like, well, I'm just a big talker. Well, that's like people that are Irish. Well, I'm just Irish. So I'm an alcoholic or me. Well, my dad was career military and I'm type A intense person. So I just have to be a jerk. No, you can change
yourself. So talking too much provokes kids to anger. And then there's another one I see, well, I'm going to give this a try. You know, it don't even bother. And I'm not being jerky with that either. But it's like, I'll give that a try. No, you can't just try this. This is hard stuff. You're breaking generational patterns. You have to commit to this and say, you know what, no matter what it takes, I am getting to, I am getting control of my own
anxiety because it is worth it. It will free me to enjoy my kids and stop all these power struggles. So draw land in, draw line in the sand. This is a game changer. Don't just try. Okay. Third thing, when you want to lecture your child and talk about their future and how they're not going to be successful, they don't come to all these things. I want you to create a different vision for your child with your words. And it's not hard to do.
I know for some of you, it is and you've asked me for script. So here are some. I want you to simply notice what your kids already do. Well, I will promise you, moms and dads and dads out there because I'm a dad. It was like, well, if I start affirming what he's got already doing well, then he's just going to, he's just going to get lazy and take it for granted. And I promise you that will not happen with your kids. When I started doing
this with our son, he worked harder for me. So let me give you four or five examples, kids of different ages. I want you to do very specific, concrete affirmations. You're just recognizing what they already do well. It's not participation trophy. It's not fake praise. It's not generic like, oh, you're such a great kid. That means nothing. So, right?
So let's take the little kid, right? Instead of instead of a pig hit it for your old who won't get with the program and who ruins your agenda, because you have too many control issues, you can say, you know what I love about you? You're so determined when you want to do something. You never give up and you keep at it. Even when it's hard and when it doesn't work the right time, you aren't afraid to explore and try new things. And you've
got a great future ahead of you. Now, look, a little kid's not even going to know what you mean by that, but they do hear a different tone. And little kids, by the way, know what mood you're in for the time you wake up in the morning. They can feel it because they don't always understand language, but they will pick up on your tone. And when they hear that tone instead of that frustrated, displeased parent, there's always upset and telling you
know, and you won't pick up your toys and all those things. See, it changes that and it changes how you see your child. And that's the whole point. Here's the second one. So let's say you're frustrated at a younger child because he or she leaves Lego blocks and other toys all over the floor. And your child will delay coming to dinner or getting
a shower or going to bed because they get consumed by creative projects, right? Your kids, when they get an idea in their head, they've got to carry it out in a hyper focus. So you want to lecture about how important it is to pick things up and be responsible for your expensive toys and make sure no one trips and you have to get a good night's sleep and come to dinner on time because that's respectful. And I get it, but those lectures
don't work. And so here's what I'd rather you do instead of unleashing your five point lectures. Say this instead. You know what? I love watching you create and tinker with things. It's amazing how you can picture something in your brain and then sit down and create that using Lego blocks. You can see in three dimensions and you're so good at noticing patterns. So why are you so good at chess and checkers and arguing with me? See seeing
patterns and using your creativity, those are superpowers you have in life. Now I would end it right there. You're simply affirming what is true. All of those things you just said are true. But instead of focusing all the things they're not doing well, you focus on what they're doing well. Now you could add, Hey, I'd love to hear what you're building while we eat dinner while we get ready for bed. It's fine too. Here's another one. What
slightly older child? Hey, David, I've noticed that when you help the Johnson's down the street, you're conscientious, you're respectful, you work really hard, you follow through. They said you even checked in on them today. And that shows me what a big heart you have. And all those qualities, there's going to serve you really well in life. And then you
have to walk out of your child's room and drink. I'm kidding. You're just going to feel like it because look, you have to wrestle with this because inside you're like, how can this child who was so good for other people? Why won't he pick up his socks or turn in a simple homework assignments or practice at sports because he's got so much potential. By the way, watch that phrase, strike that from your language. If you would just apply
yourself, it's not motivating. It's a horrible phrase. If you would just practice, you would be so good at sports and piano. Why does this child have to fight you over literally everything else but he's so amazing for other people? See, that's your anxiety and fear talking. Don't poison your child's spirit because of your anxiety. And I'll tell you very bluntly, if you keep doing this and you're only focused on the lecturing and the
negativity, this child will shut down or they will eventually say, you know what? Screw it and screw you because nothing's ever good enough for you. And I can never please you because our anxiety as parents, it is a beast that cannot be satisfied. And I want you to change this narrative. Here's another one. Hey, Sophia, I realize now that when you argue with me, what you're really doing is being assertive about what you need. You're
being assertive about what you like and you don't like. And I never learned those qualities as a child. And I kind of got taken advantage of it. Now, you don't have to tell her that you married a controlling person or anything or all the other things that happened. But
here's what it means, honey, no one's ever going to take advantage of you. It means that when others are hurting or get picked on, see, you've got a sensitive big heart and you will stand up for them because even when it's hard, you always do what is right for people who are hurting. And then you walk out of the room. Now, you can write this for some of
your older kids. I would text this or email it to them because they often receive it better and I promise you, they will read this 20 times because they've never heard that from some of us, right? Because it's always been what they're not doing well. And it's negative. And they eventually shut down and say, you're never going to be happy. But when you start calling out these different qualities and noticing them specifically, they will feel seen
like, oh, you really get me. I'm telling you, this is more motivating than you can possibly imagine. I know, but they're not doing all these other things and they're not doing this. Don't I have to pick that out? No, because you've already said it 500 times. They already know what they don't do well. You've been very clear about that. So you don't have to mention that the way she talks back is disrespectful and she's so stubborn and it makes you uncomfortable.
Look, I, these are kids. They're just learning how to do this for the first time. You and I are 30 and 40 and 50. We're still figuring life out. And you've got kids who are swimming upstream in this world. The strong, well, kids and are trying to figure life out. And so this daughter, right, is sure she speaks up, but she doesn't do it respectfully all the time. What do you expect? She's learning how to do it. So be patient with her and teach
her how to do this. I love that you learn that you're speaking up. I love that you're finding your voice and your independent. You want to do things your own way and you want agency and ownership of your choices. I love those qualities. Now, the way that you just did that with me, yeah, it's not going to work for you, but man, I love those qualities and I can show you how to do it. See, that's a lot different than, you know, what young lady, if you
continue to use that attitude with me, you're never going to get it your car. I thought, that does that make sense? They're learning how to do this stuff. So be patient. Discipline means to teach them. I want you to come alongside and teach them how to live life. So, moms and dads, here's your homework this week. Number one, and if this is all you do this coming week, it will be a huge one. Stop. Stop before you lecture, before you correct, before you
dump your anxiety and ask those questions of yourself. By the way, on Instagram, I will take those questions and I'll put them in a couple of our video posts on our Reels that we do. So you have that written down, but otherwise, take notes, go back and listen to that one. I would listen to this podcast a couple of times. In fact, you know what I would do for older kids? You may let them listen to this sometime because there's nothing
really bad in this. And say, what do you get out of this? Do I do this? Does it feel like I'm always on you? Does it feel like I'm always lecturing that I'm never happy with you? It may be helpful for them to listen to part of this. And so don't be afraid to share this. So number one, you're going to stop before you say anything. Practice sitting down. It's easy. Can't hurt anything, plus you get to relax a little bit. And number three,
we're going to replace the anxious lectures, which is truth. Specific examples of traits your kids already possess. And this, I promise you, and the dads out there who are like, oh, I'm really wrestling with this. Good wrestle with it. But I'm a dad. I've been there. And I've seen my son wanted to please me. It's just that he never knew how to. And when I finally showed him that and did this, man, he worked hard for me because
he really wanted to please me. And then I was showing him how. So thank you for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it with other parents. We appreciate that. But you have busy people and you're taking the time to listen to our podcasts. And that means a lot to me. So share it. Subscribe to it if we can help you in any way. Let us know. But let's work on this this week. And then in the next podcast, I'm going to give you some more scripts to use. All right. Love y'all.