Episode 231: I Wiped That Ass!

Oh my god, which one of you dug up the fucking baby chick?

Because I didn't very type that as I wipe. That has.

Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio. I told my goal, welcome everybody to the Calm Down Podcast. I had to stop at the gas station pick up a Mega millions.

Oh it's Powerball. Oh yeah, I bought a Mega Million's ticket. I didn't win.

Congratulations to all the winners, and now I got a Powerball ticket. But I didn't have any food in my refrigerator, so I got to Rito's for my lunch, which is so disgusting. And so that's what's going on over here. I've missed you so much. It's been weeks since we've had a live podcast because life has, you know, That's just what happens in the off season. We try to do all of our things and all of our stuff.

But how are you going?

Well, let's do our little what's coming up? Yeah, girl, We're gonna have an update on the rut and I'm actually going to tell you about an emergency security landing.

I was a part of you got some botox and got your hair done.

No, I need botox and I just got my hair done. Ladies, I'm going to get into this, but you know, there's like that one day where always I'll get into it later. I'm going to give you an update on just fucking pulling my life together. Also, Aaron had a situation at TSA which offended her. I know, to get into that, her feelings were hurt. I kind of like the way you said that, that's sweet. So we have a lot to catch up on, including how long were you at

She was so she was like, you know, she kept being like I just how do you do all this?

And like every morning, you know, I get up at like six thirty and feed the animals and she goes. Never in my wildest dreams that I think that this kid of mine would be like doing that. But it is the place that I feel the most at home. Like I feel I'm so happy when I'm there, like I'm back in the real world right now. And like even driving today, I'm like, oh, like angry.

Just driving because it's so peaceful there. And I you know, I obviously I don't have children, but I feel very.

Motherly, Like I have these baby chicks, and you have to clean their bumbs because when they go to the bathroom, if it dries on their bomb, then they can't go to the bathroom again and they'll die.

So like you have to go out there, and.

Like I clean the baby chicks bombs and just like and like the chickens are waiting for me every morning at seven o'clock to like have their food, and Larry the pig likes his snack at five o'clock, and my all my little like animals and my horse and my dogs, and it just makes me so happy.

And I could go on and on on and on. So I want to be there as much as possible.

But I took full advantage of Scott Thompson, who my dad. Before he got into the car business, he worked construction. So this man can do anything and everything right. He's just like the quintessential father that like shows up with the toolbox and is like, let's get to work.

So he helped me do.

A bunch of different stuff in renovations and like make this whole front entrance beautiful. And I'll now, I mean I love a project too, but this guy can go and it's a problem. I looked at Steve and I was like, he's twice your age. Get out there and keep shoveling, like Steve, you cannot put the shovel down before Scott. It is not a good look. So we're like out there, it's Steve's birthday, and I was like, I don't care if it's your birthday, if it's Christmas,

You well, hold on.

You said you hemorage, hemorrhaging money. Easy for me to say, where do you find you're spending the most money when you're out there?

I love you A great question.

It's just on fixing this stuff up because I don't have patience for some long term plan of like this ten year plan.

I'm going to do it's I want it.

Like I renovated the inside of the main house and I'm renovating this secondary house now. But like you know, everything just costs money. I mean, even to take care of these animals cost money. But it's something that I feel and I know that we both think this way is like if we really want something, then I feel fortunate enough to like, okay, then go work another job or go do another thing here or there. But I actually I haven't talked to you.

I also think I am.

Never in Los Angeles, you know how, I've talked for a long time about moving out of this city. Buy where are you going? No, I'm going to I'm going to rent my house out. I'm putting it on the market next week. Sure, I don't want to sell it because investment where with you? Okay, great, I'm just gonna move somewhere else and rent a place because I want to write this place out and I'm like, why am I paying money for places that I'm not in? And

But I'm and he's got to deal with you, I know.

But I am trying to be more fiscal about things, like if I want to spend my time over here, then why am I going to pay for stuff over there?

Okay, Okay, so that's what's going on.

But yeah, no, I just it's something that brings me a lot of joy and I just want to spend as much time there as I can, because for six months out of the year, I don't to spend a day there. So like today, like I felt so bad as my first day I'm not there with the animals and I was like checking on the cameras on them, and I was like, oh, they need me, but I'm sad to leave them.

I love that you were out there for so long and all the work you did, I mean, plug your Instagram. Where did people find out more about You're so cute? No? Nobody.

So the pictures are incredible, Like Jared looks at like what you've done decorating whys and you we got to go there.

I mean we got to go there on money. You're so sweet.

No, it's just it's like a total passion project from the design standpoint. But then now I've become even more. I've always loved animals. I didn't know I loved having seventy five animals for wiping oh baby chick's ass.

Yeah, I like feel.

Terry Bradshaw calls me the other day to like catch up, and I was like, Terry, I'm wiping.

So Terry has been a rancher his whole life, right Like.

No, he goes, well, I'm calling you to tell you I got some horses for you, and I was like, great, he's bring.

Them on out, Terry.

But I was telling him that I was wiping the baby chick's ass and He's like, I've had so many chickens in my days, I've never whipped one ass. And I'm like, well, that's the mother and me, you know you're a mother. I'm like, I have to help the baby chicks. I can barely get a nine month old to stay still when I'm wiping his ass. How are you getting a baby chick? Like I feel like I would squeeze it to death, Like where are you holding it to open the legs, and like it's it's look

I don't know. But and I also lost to the baby chicks. There was four and two of them died. But I guess that happened.

You didn't raise properly, no, but because it just happens, like it's like you know Darwinism of like survival of the.

Fitter body laying there. Yeah, and I had to bury it. And I won't tell you what happened next.

One of the dogs found where I buried it, and then I like, this is all it's all happening. And then I cried because the baby chick that I buried that I had wiped its ass. I find it on the trail halfway up the thing, on the way to go feed the cows.

And I'm like, oh my.

God, which one of you dug up the fucking baby chick because I didn't very wipe that ass.

I wipe that ass.

I know. It's really sad. I have cried more over animals. God, I know, how's your dog with the rash? Oh my god, it's going great things for asking guys to get get a veterinarian appointment up at a ranch is really hard because there's just animals everywhere. I'm probably not supposed to do this, but I did it. I use some of Willis's Pretno Zone, which is like a steroid that helps his sloopers. Gave the other dog some of the steroid. The foot looks great. I'm a vet, I'm a mother

It's really amazing.

Erin Yeah, well, you know, the whole process is just so expensive and we're fortunate we could deal.

But every time we.

Would get a bill for medical legal you know, State of California, this like they just and I'll say it, they have you buy the balls. Because you're so desperate to have a baby and you've gotten this far and your Sarahgate's pregnant, you'll sign and write any check. And I just kept saying to Jared and also, are the lovely woman that set us up with our surrogate.

How do people pay for this? This is nuts?

So I kind of just made it something I wanted to do after Matt came where I wanted to get involved with this nonprofit foundation called Baby Quest. They actually help people who cannot afford IVF egg donor adoption saragacy get money. And it's this woman that started it in you know, her house, and I had told Kristen Welker about it. I signed a deal with Enfamil and part of my signing the deal was that I wanted to create money in Max's name to give to Baby Quest, and I want to keep doing it.

We still have money left in the grant.

We want to award it to other people that are trying very hard to have a baby.

And it was really, really rewarding.

I'm so excited about it, and Kristin and I are talking about what can we do next, like should we host at gala? Should we do because there's just so many people that we know that could help us, and we want to help. You know a lot of people that are having the same difficulties as us. So today's show was amazing and letting me do that, and I was excited about it, and.

It was a very filling day.

I was very, very proud. I always am proud to be your friend. But when I see situations and things like that where you're paying it forward, you know. And there's a lot of people that talk about doing things, and it's one thing to talk about, it's another thing to do it. And I love that you have somebody who's also been through the same similar situation, Kristen, so you guys can work together to do something like that.

And Macre is these cute little vine. Yeah, it was really cool.

So excited to keep doing it, exciting, excited to continue to raise money for it. And like I said to Christen, I was like, this is just the beginning. You know. I hate being the poster child for all these things, but if we were could make a difference, it's so exciting.

It is.

So you were traveling for that, and you also had, as we always do, didn't hit make you think like, oh my gosh, I haven't been traveling or like on an airplane. You've been on an airplane a lot, but where we forget like all of the nonsense of traveling. And now you told us in the pregame because I haven't talked to you. Yeah, you had an emergency landing in camp.

I called to you, you were not available. Well, I'm going to tell you that PSA. Whatever it is.

The public service announcement on me is if I'm at the ranch, there ain't no service. It is a blessing and a curse because I want to talk to the people I want to talk to, and when I don't want to talk to people, it's great to be.

Like, oh, sorry, I didn't have service your call. I wanted to take those So wait, you had an emergency landing. What happened?

So I was leaving last week or this week last week from New York to come back to LA I actually made the early flight so I could try to see Mac before he went to bed.

I was so excited about it.

Got on the plane and I've been watching We've all seen the incidences happen on TikTok on Instagram where people are just absolutely and I'll say it, misbehaving assholes. It's my mood getting off. That wasn't so much that we had to make an emergency landing due to security reasons. My attitude and my hate in my body is that these flight attendants, these pilots, they are not security. The normal everyday citizens, the passengers on the plane, we are

What happened.

So we're on the plane and something happened right behind me, and I turned around because I heard it. It was something that was said to the guy right behind me. Somebody walked up all the way in the front, made not a comment, but asked for something. I heard it because I was like, this isn't normal. And then he asked me, and I was like, this is so wrong or this is not normal. I turned around and looked for the flight attendant who was actually walking down the aisle, and I just said.

Help, help, help, help help.

The flight attendant intervened, brought the person up to the front. Yes, I am nosy Rosie over here.

I get it. I'm texting Jared the whole time.

I'm like, we have a situation he's like, put your head down, stay out of it.

I can't. I have to see what's going on.

My dad's in the new Steve Andrews. It's the stap was the investigative. It isn't porter in you Yep from your father, yep, it is. I'm watching going around to the guy, I'm like, this is bad.

We're gonna have to land. He's like, oh shit.

He was trying to make the North Carolina game like tip off set five. I said, don't worry. If we land, they'll turn us around. It's well, then you do not want to say what he asked for because it's inappropriate, or like it's not inappropriate.

It was just like what, okay, got it.

So they're talking. They're talking, and I'm watching. I'm fully alert. He goes back to walk back down the aisle, back to a seat. I put my head down because it was like, oh shit. I hope he doesn't know that I like asked for a flight attendant. He goes to the back. I see a lovely male flight attendant follow him, but walking fast. I'm like, oh god, nosey Rosie News Channel eight. My head turns all the way around and

All the things.

We start to descend and I'm like, I pull up the map. We're over Casey. I'm like, shit, we're descending, but we're not descending if something isn't going wrong back there ever and yeah, and so I was just like, we're descending. They didn't tell us on the plane, but the guy behind me and I knew we're sending because of this guy. We land, people are oh, they said welcome to Kansas City. We had to land for security. At reason.

Everybody starts looking out, people start pulling out their.

Phones, and I was like, it was just scary because you're like security the plane case scenario. Yeah, you know what I said to the guy behind me when I saw that there was the game I know, I was like, you're going to make it. I was like, I work in sports. You're going to be fine. They say tip is, but you got it. You're going to make it. So I was like, is there are there still air marshals on planes? And he goes, I don't know, I haven't seen one since Bridemaids. I was like, are you an

Because I was like, I'm not going to make this situation any worse. But I was like shit.

But I was also like, you know what again, I'll get on my soapbox. Good for the airline, good for the pilot, good for the flight attendant. It sucks we were delayed. I didn't even care about that, but like, shame on you. You should never be able to fly again. This is not the airline's responsibility. I'll say this right now, Delta, good for you. You handled it so well. I felt so friggin' bad for those flight attendants.

This is not their job, right France. Yeah.

New York hemes and twenty twenty three reported about only six percent of flights have an air marshall. Ryan, as all of you loyal listeners know, is our wonderful producer. Only six percent.

Wow, I hope they're lying to us. Well.

I wonder if that's gone up, because I feel like people are acting crazy on flights, and you know what, so I'm mad. That's a microcosm of like the world where everyone just gets to act a fool, like the guy throwing the baseball my windshield and it's like you just get to throw a baseball at my windshield and like, and I'm just sitting here minding my own business because Steve had.

To call the cops.

Steve had to call the cops when we were in at the ranch. So someone rang the doorbell. And when you ring the doorbell at my house, it comes to a video thing on my phone, and somebody's trying to get in, messing with the lights.

Yes, and I have the video, the.

Whole video of the thing, and I was like, you know what, like that my house has already been broken into, Like it's just then.

And then I'm riddled with fear. Yes, I use the word riddled fear because.

I'm like, here we are again, So what am I doing all night monitoring the freaking cameras?

Because now I have to worry about it.

Look, it's not just us, it's everyone where It's like, the minute that you feel in fear of anything, it sucks. And to be on a plane where to your point, and I'm glad you say that about the flight attendants the pie it's not their responsibility. Yeah, And then it's like, ah, fuck, I'm sorry that sucks, but like fuck you to your point, that guy should never be allowed on the plane again, I know, but again I commend Delta. Can I commend

So I'm sorry that it doesn't fit in the overhead on this one. Just check it.

I don't care check it. Just whatever you want, whatever means you happy.

I've always done for me.

Yeah, please please, please without I've always been so pro flight attendant because I just you and I talk about it all the time, because we travel a lot.

They're not your concierge.

They're there for your safety, but my word, they are not there to be bodyguards for the rest of us on that plane. It's just so ridiculous. Behave it's not that hard.

As annoying as all of that was, I'm glad that.

It did end peacefully, as peacefully as it could end, because God forbid, I know so many things happening my gal, and all my shit seems trivial now. I was just worried about the fact that, like I don't know if you guys have will take a we'll descend on this conversation into something lighter. Yeah, and I don't mean my hair and thank you for the bright, bright highlights. But there is that moment where I came home yesterday and it's like you feel like okay, like obviously, like I

Your nails, and then you look at the botox and you go, oh my god.

The reason when Carrie Bradshaw was on the cover of that magazine after being like really drunk and then it comes out and she's like totally oh my god, my god, where she goes to the newsstand and she's like looking through and she thinks she's gonna look like you know, this Vogue cover model and she looks terrible.

It is.

It's like one day you wake up and you're like, holy shit, like all of these things need to be done, and they need to be done now. And you never realize how dependent you are on the people in your life that help you look and feel better until they're not available. I text my bowtox lady, she's out of the country.

Well get back a time like this.

I wrap that passport, leave nice because this is not nice that you are out of the country.

Because I need some botox. This is crazy.

I have to go do some work events and they're gonna they're gonna be like this. This is not who we thought we were hiring. The best upport show, a PA or somebody else at the at the office that can help a production. And I'll give anyone a syringe right now. Okay, No, she is a one woman show and this is a problem. And right now she's in France with the money that I pay her, the good money that I because I mean, my god, I don't care. I'll pay you double and I will fund your next

You're going to be horrified.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about Amazon box my sweet nail lady.

She shaves my face, but no joke.

She does it with a box cutter, and I don't know if it's been sterilized. I don't ask questions. That same little toothpick thing that she uses for the wax might have been used on the four people before God. Up to this point, I'm just getting old antibiotics. I might take Willison's antibiotics like I did.

With the other dog. It's funky. It's I'm working.

Speaking of working, I had mentioned in the last time we did a podcast that I was in a rut and I was kind of thinking about it.

After I said it, I was like, wow, like people are gonna be like, really well man. So many people checked it on me. Oh my god, Okay, are you good? I got a lot of you good. Yeah.

I mean I'm not gonna lie. My body was kind of out of whack for two months. The old formal ACTU wait care, but yeah, you would have thought that like something really bad. You're like, wow, I'm just having a bad day. Didn't know that I needed a full intervention.

Hey, just listened to the pod. You good? I think my favorite can I say this and edit it out if you don't want me to say it.

Sure. We're in Montana and we're talking about the reaction of your comments and Jered goes, yeah, babe, you can't. You know it is cute little yeah babe, you can't say that. Then people think we got problems.

I don't know why. I just made him from New Jersey.

But like I did, and it's like sweet little Canadian accent. It's like, yeah, babe, Like now people think we have problems. And I was like, Jared, I love you. No. So we had such a great time. We did have such a good time. I was really so sad when you guys left. It was not that I'm not sad when you leave all the time, but it was just such.

A nice needed more time. I know, I needed more time with you. It was so nice. You're always so sweet to host. Aaron's by the way, an incredible host. Let me tell you.

Let me tell you about these sheets. Okay, these sheets are iron. They smell good. She goes into the guest room. This what Aaron is.

She takes this gorgeous candle.

She puts it on the side of our bed to make sure that the place smells good. Everything is like perfect. She stalked the whole fridge with like every accommodation. You are an incredible host, right, It's such a great time with you guys. And we had a very interesting, really fascinating dinner the last night. Was it the last night you guys were there? Yeah? Yeah, because we all felt like shit afterwards that many drinks will do it to It was a business dinner. It was a business dinner.

And I really was like, whoa?

And because of what my comment was back, because I work with men, do you fucked up?

That is that?

I But it's true, and we'll say this, it's not the men that we work with that makes us feel that way.

Whoa, No, it's not them.

It's our own thing in our head where we feel like we have to indoctrinate ourselves to them by self deprecating and like bringing ourselves down. So then it's like, oh, now we can be It could have because we're yeah, or like not feeling I don't know. It's such a fucking weird psychology thing. But we had been talking about it a few days before that, you and I, because you would say something negative about yourself and I was like,

You do that.

I know that's a larger episode, and I would love we'll continue that conversation later because i'd love to hear your guys' thoughts on anybody in their job or whatever that and it's their own, it's our own shit, but it is It is interesting where you feel like you have I've done that too, like around like really beautiful women or like you know what I mean, like where it's like you need to play, like say something that's like, oh but I'm not as pretty as you or I'm

Oh the Jarrett forgetting it was Valentine's Day.

Yeah, he nailed Easter though cross Easter he did.

Oh my god, I have a story.

For you to try to protect my sweet Jarrett for forgetting Valentine's Day. But remember, wait, cold on yes, this is no, no, no, I need the Jarrett.

Sorry, write this down. Nosey Rosie investigative reporter always has a notepad on hand.

No, the whole thing was that instead of ripping because we said, I said to Steve, I was like, how would you like?

I would have blasted you.

I'd been like, you're so fucking insensitive and oh my god, I can't believe that you fucking forgot. It's found and I just would have ripped him a new one. And He's like that would not be effective. If anything, I'd be like, yeah, you're a bitch, that's why I didn't get you fired.

Exactly.

Steve told us that if we say in a quiet, sweet, sensitive voice that really hurt my feelings, that like that would kill him.

That would kill Steve or would kill Jarrett.

If it's like, instead of acting the way we normally act, we just were sad. So today before we start the podcast about talking about different things we want to talk about, No, you said a TSA person really hurt my feelings, and I was like.

Wow, are you okay?

Yeah, I know, I was thinking about the Jared story.

I'll tell that at the end. Yeah. I mean again, we are you and I and.

I've had flight attendants stop me and say love the pod, thank you for all you say about us and everything. And I just really try my hardest. When I'm going through TSA, I feel like it's almost like what am I trying to think? It's like not a dance recital, but it's like you have to be ready, and I want to be ready for them because you need to be efficient.

There's so many people online.

And I travel all the time, and I know what to do and it's not like you don't know what's coming. That's the part that kills me, Hey, you've seen this whole line. Everyone's taking their shoes off their laptops.

What are you doing?

You're on your phone, get all through inst paying attention, and you think it's a mystery that every time you walk up that now all a sudden they need to see your license.

Totally, this is shocking.

We're about to get on the roller coaster ride and you think it's you know, we don't know what we're about to do. Yeah, look alive, right, exactly exactly. I am on TSA side. I'm totally on their side.

I get it. I try to help them. I am a woman of the people. I do. I try to even grab them shoes when there's a line.

I know, and I'm stacking pins for them, even though there's so many germs.

I'm trying to help. I really am.

So.

I hadn't flown in a couple of weeks and I had to go to New York.

This was two weeks ago. I left my temper pedic pillow. I burned my legs. That's where I'm sex in the city. I left my temper repeedic pillow in my purse, and normally I ship it.

I ship it, so I don't have.

To deal with it. It's a very weird configuration. It's a cylinder kind of thing. For some reason, it goes off in the damn machine. My purse goes through and it goes off to this side, and the guy recognizes that from I hate that moment. I hate that moment when you know you're like, come on, come on, keep going and keep going, and then it goes to stop, slides over and listen. I hate it for me because I want a couple of seconds to maybe go grab something. And I hate it for them because it was a

What's that cylinder? And I go, you know a guy at TESA. Yeah, you know You've got a guy at TSA. Well, I just see him all the time. A lot of them always asked me what game I'm going to do?

You know, they're interestingable you probably even more than I thought.

You know, die it three and sixty.

It doesn't help me. Ed Bastian, I love you. Okay, Delta, Well that the way you handled the emergency. So I go, oh crap, it's my stupid temper pedic pillow. I go, you know what, it's so crazy that those make the thing the act ualy go off because it's like they're sold here at the at the airport.

And I was like, it always does that. This this TSA agent was standing right there.

She doesn't know me, and she doesn't know I'm a pleaser of TSA and all flight attendants and pilots. And she looks at me and she goes, well, if you know it goes off, why don't you try to be a little bit more proactive and not put it in your purse. Oh, I don't like that, I called Jared. She doesn't understand I'm pro TSA, Like she doesn't get it. And I was Homeland Security. I love homeland celerity, I do. Oh my god. I love the blue shirt. I love

So the next week I had to go to New York Benefit Plan. I want that job.

It's thankless to have to say that over going to deal with people and for them. I know, well, I don't feel I don't like that woman, and if you tell me what TSA area is, I'll go track her down.

That's why I can't stop back.

I saw her again the next week when I had to travel, and I wanted to tell her, you're so bad. You like flying out of a private airport that I don't know about every time.

Jesus, how are you running into the same people.

I don't see Steve twice in a week in the same house, and you're seeing the TSA lady.

I wanted to tell.

Her what she said really affected me because I do try to be proactive. Well, my battery's low on the Mac, so I guess it's time to code. I told mean your son, I just got a back. Your mac will go to sleep soon. Nosy Rosie reporting log. You're shipped for the eleven o'clock News starts soon, so I gotta let you go. I gotta charge my computer and we're out.

I was so worried out that your face is so tight in mine?

Is it? Can?

I talked to the FBI. What's going on? God?

Does anyone do add home botox calls? Because my lady is busy with Gaston in France without choosing knees. That's in France. Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.