Call It Short & Sweet: Toxic People

Call It What It Is with Jessica Kepshaw and Camille Ludington, an iHeartRadio podcast.

Well, hello, call it Crewe we have another short and sweet. What do we have today?

Well, I'm going to read you what Stephanie She's going to be joining us via zoom today.

This is what she wrote, Love the Zooms, Love a Zoom.

Stephanie, who had two heart attacks as a child, just got engaged and is so happy. But her overprotective mom sent her a text while she was at the cardiologist's office telling her to ask the doctor for permission and advice on what weight loss drug she can take so she can lose weight before her wedding. All of her insecure feelings about her body that went away are now back. How does she handle it? I have so many questions, So we need to talk to her. Yeah, I think

Hi Stephanie, Hello Stephanie.

Hi, welcome to our Call It What It Is Short and Sweet episode. Okay, so we just read for our listeners the situation, and we have questions before we get into this. Congratulations on being engaged, So amazing. I want to know was this in any way a conversation between you and your mom before you went to the doctor. Were you saying, I would like to lose weight maybe I can look into and she was sort of prompting it that way, or No, this came out of left field.

No, this was like all left field.

Mom.

I want to preface it with like, Okay, my mom and I have like a we're very similar, and so she has the best intentions, I think, but she just there's a line sometimes and she likes to cross it.

Mom. Yeah, I love that you're assuming positive intent I really do, because it's so important. Right with the people that we love, it's easy to get uh, it's easy to get hurt, right, we're human. But I think the fact that you are assuming that she has your best interest in heart is great. Right, you guys really love each other. Yet that is still a stinger.

You Know what's funny is when I hear situations like this, I always feel like this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it's just projecting, right, And I'm wondering, I wonder if your mom has her own body insecurities that she's sort of dealing with and then they've manifested in this sort of way where she's then crossed a line and it's your wedding and it's you know, because by the way, you're going to be beautiful on your

Yeah, I feel like, yeah, definitely, there's there's some projecting there.

So so I mean I'm guessing that. I mean, obviously this did happen. How did you handle it?

I kind of just ignored it, And actually I had gone I went home last night. We live about thirty minutes away from each other. And she asked again, but in person, and no.

Does she need to do we to add her to the zoom?

Oh god, I don't.

She wouldn't know how to do that. But oh my god. Okay, well, okay, you brought up crossing a line, so I think the most obvious thing is the boundary cross right, So you didn't go to her and say, hey, mom, can I get your advice on something? She just unsolicited that unsolicitedly gave you advice. So I feel like my first and again, as we've established you, you assume the best from her, which is great if you're if you're, if you do you know, if you're not, if you haven't gotten the

Yeah.

I mean, that's definitely, that's definitely something.

I think that's the decision to have. I mean, there's no other you know what else can you say? Like, because I feel I wonder if because you ignored it the first time, the worry is that if you keep ignoring it, she may not it may not have registered that this is something that's crossing a boundary, and it will continue to get brought up right, right.

And I think for me, like I thought maybe once we got the dress, like.

She would just zip it.

Yeah, No, we got the dress last weekend and and she's still asking about it.

So you just shut it down, shut it down, shut your perfect down. This is a celebration. Shut it down. Love you, mom, don't need to hear anymore.

Love you. Don't love the comments because also, like by the way, I have to say, I read that you had two heart attacks when you were a child, right, and so you're here like you you like you, you're getting married. This should be such an amazing moment after health issues when you were younger. And what matters is that you're here and healthy. That's what really matters, you know, right, And I think tell your mom that we've said this is a no go, this is not.

Yeah.

My my work, moms, I work with four other women that two of them have children. Two of them don't and they are a little bit older than me, and so they have been like my work moms for.

The past five years, I guess.

And I was telling them about it the other day and they were like, no, that's not okay, not not a day. We're not doing that.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. No. Well I think that I think that we have.

I feel like we're.

Setting boundaries for the wedding.

Yeah, they're setting boundaries. Yeah, yeah, that on some level, I actually have to say. I mean I always come up from like the what can I be grateful for in this moment. A lot of moms and a lot of relationships people you know there are they're actually nonverbal.

You know.

She came out and said it. So it's the very concrete example of her crossing a line. It's not like you wonder what she was saying, right, she said it. So I think it's actually great. You can go to her and be like number one, ouch, number two, no, thank you. That does not that is not helpful for me. I do not. That's not that's not for me. Save it for somebody else, or I don't know what to do, take it somewhere else. Yeah, I really need it. Into the sky.

Setting setting boundaries, graduation.

You got this, you got this. You go straight into that conversation right now. Give her a little text, Hey mom, can you talk for a second.

She would be like, is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, everything is ok it's about to be okay.

It's about okay.

We got boundaries, Stephanie. Thank you so much for you.

We hope you have an incredible wedding. You're gonna look gorgeous. And if you could send us a little picture of what you look like, set us a we want to know.

Yeah. Absolutely, we aren't getting married until next June, but we're getting married in Aruba, and so it'll be beautiful.

Oh oh my gosh, that's amazing. Have so much fun.

Thank you, Thank you, bye, steph All right bye.

Sarah has a tricky situation with a friend of hers who became inseparable with a very toxic person. She respects her friend's choice and companions, but this person's behavior makes her very uncomfortable. Does she just accept this? How can she maintain this friendship without sacrificing her own comfort? We need more information, Sarah, Yes, how are you?

Ye?

Hire to meet you? Thank you for joining us, Thanks.

For having me. I really appreciate it. I'm not gonna lie. It's kind of a odd for me to like email, a podcast and just kind of a shot at the dark, and you guys.

Responded, So I it was meant to be right, Okay, So tell us more, tell us more. We read. We read the little description, but tell us more.

Recently, you guys are talking about friendships and how yours has bloomed and it's just evolved over the years. Right to something you said recently, you have to be a number one fan, and in this friendship, I don't feel like I'm the number being that person for myself. You know, the friend that I'm speaking about is pretty toxic, and it's hard to see that you don't want to part ways with your one of your best friends, But I think that's kind of where I'm at right now.

So you feel like your friend is being toxic for you?

Yes?

Or or you are? Okay, she has a friend that is toxic for her, but it's kind of a combination now that they're together. I feel like it's toxic for me as well.

Okay, So you feel like she's being influenced by that friend?

Correct?

Oh, okay, friend yes, it's a new friend. And how long have you guys been friends for SORR, I.

Have some about three or four years, okay, And all this new stuff is within like the last year, and she's had some pretty big changes in her life. She got married this year and all that as well. She suffers from depression and I suffer from from anxiety. So that's kind where we met in the middle. And she did start a pretty strong medication and I feel like it really just it altered her personality too, if that makes sense.

Interesting? Yeah, okay, Well I did say on the pod that you need to be your own number one fan and an advocation.

What does that mean to you? Like when you heard when you heard us talk about that, Like what what set up like for you? What was like? Hmm, I'm not sure if I am like what what?

Yeah, I'm just letting it bester and ponder and and bug me to my core, and that it's not being my number one fan.

You know, you feel like you're subjecting yourself to a friendship that isn't good for you and therefore, how are you right?

And I think I'm just I'm missing what it used to be. And I get people change. We change, and honestly, you've kind of disconnected myself from her a little bit already, and it's starting to feel good. It's just hard for me to look at the big picture of Okay, maybe we weren't meant to be this close of friends anymore, but I also care about her still, you know what I mean.

Have you tried having or would you feel comfortable having a super especially because you may be on the brink of like completely stepping back. I wonder if it's like, do you just go for it and have a really honest conversation at this point, because it's in a way like win win, like either the friendships anyway, right, yeah, exact right, or or something can be salvage salvage, salvage salvage.

Yeah, yeah, I think I just need to give it a give it another conversation I've had. I briefly have brought it up and to her both her and her husband now husband separately, and they both became really defensive.

And I know.

That's that's how we're programmed, right, like just and I think that also sometimes the language that we use intentionally or by accident sometimes can tip people off right that they should be defensive.

Right.

And I think that, you know, it always does help when you start with what is true, which is just your feeling, right, and someone doesn't have to actually do anything to make you feel a certain way. We are responsible for our feelings, right, and we know why we have them. We were just talking about sometimes you know, people can communicate nonverbally, right, like that look or just let out say something shitty and you're like, well, that was actually maybe a little easier because you just said

I of hope. So it almost feels like a kind of like a midlife crisis. You know, she's done with the now she's marry and all the things, the things she wanted to do about a house, all that stuff, and just kind of testing the wa and trying new things.

I think something that I found really hard. It was a really hard lesson to learn. But in the friends that I had, I had some friends in my twenties that were no longer friends of mine by the time I was like deep into my thirties, and it felt like a loss, right Like it really felt like a breakup, and it was so hard and it was so painful.

And we have different a lot of different values. I have three children, she's doesn't have any kids yet. I mean nothing against that I have plenty of friends without kids, and we just have different outlooks in life, you know.

But that's also something to remember, which is you have children, right. Yeah, And I often think sometimes even when I'm feeling like I need a little dose of courage, I think about what I would do if I was doing it for my child, right, if I was advocating for my child, if I was my number one fan, how would I behave differently? And asking for that And again, if you if you don't get what you need in this conversation, I'm a big fan of saying thank you for your service,

And I'm certain piece more energy into it than I should. Yeah, I'm as Alsteen, I'm told, Yeah, that would help me tremendously. That's within last year kind of not necessarily give me a new mindset, but like.

Hey, well yeah, I know that feeling though there is a shift, right, I think that my my therapist and I just real quick, we talk about being able to stay in our resilient zone.

This is what we talk about.

So anything that kicks me out means that, like you know, it spikes my anxiety. And and so I surround myself with people and I try to invest in doing things that help keep me in that resilient zone. And she kind of sounds like a right now that's continuing to

That you don't know.

And and I think that keep yourself while you're on your own mental health journey, keep yourself surrounded by people that don't continue to do that, and maybe your friendship will come back around like a breakup can.

Sometimes that's what I hope happens.

Honestly, Yes, I said, I've kind of been distancing myself from her for a while now, which does feel good because I'm not surrounded by those toxic behaviors. That.

Yes, and you're probably staying in this zone more because you're because you're creating that boundary. But I think, I thin, I think you have the conversation and then you go from there and and make sure that you look after yourself and your own friendships too.

Right, Well, you ladies are awesome. I appreciate it.

I feel good about this. I feel good about your next steps. I don't do to only excited for you.

Just need to hear it from a different perspective.

And I really amen.

I thank you for coming on here because I know it's so hard, but I know so many people will are going through something like this and will appreciate hearing your situation and maybe to help them with theirs.

Awesome. Yeah, you ladies are great.

Thank you.

Good luck with your podcast.

I love it. Thank you. Yeah, I keep listening. We're excited to have you as our crew. Thank you, bye, thank you.

I no, I just want to say before you wrap up this this short and sweet that what I love so much about our listeners, so much about the Call It crew is they're willing to get on here with us and get so vulnerable in the ten minutes that they have with us. And I think that that really sums up and captures what feels so special about this podcast that we have with you all.

Just had to say that. Yeah, I'll keep saying it a lot because you and you learned so much more. Oh gosh. I used to think that I always had to be okay and it was such a chore. Sometimes sometimes I was okay, but other times I wasn't okay and I felt like I had to be. And I have learned that I really have only grown when I've sat in not being okay and let the people around

We need to catch up with those girls, all right, and let's call hey.

I find it delightful. I find it delightful and such a treat to be here with you in the short and sweet.

That was so good.