Many of us belong to a club that we never asked to join...that club is the grief and loss group. Loss of a pet, a job, a lifestyle or loss of a loved one! In this episode grief expert Samantha Ruth shares her personal story of loss and encourages others to heal in their own way. As a psychologist and author, she expertly provides us with several tools and take-a ways in our time together...as she states that our society doesn’t teach us how to deal with grief. Welcome, Sam. Before we dive into today's topic, will you please tell us a little bit about yourself?
● Thank you so much for having me. I am Sam Ruth. I'm originally from Michigan. And now I live in Colorado. And I moved here to marry the man of my dreams who unexpectedly passed away. It'll be almost four years ago. So, I am in my own rebuilding process.
Thank you for sharing that with us, Sam and Sam, talk about your dogs.
● I love dogs. I am a huge, huge dog lover. I have two, Dallas and Sassy. Dallas is right here. And she's like a sassy service dog. Sassy was grieving as much as I was. And it was making it harder for me to function. So even though people thought I was crazy for getting a second dog I did. And she has been the best. She's just brought joy back into the house for me and sassy.
Ah, awesome. And I know that one of our favorite mutual sayings is what brings you joy?
● For sure, well, Sam and I, as well as some of you belong to a club that we really didn't choose to be in. So please tell us about that club and how you work with it. Yes, I, we are widows. And it took me a long time to even be able to say that word. So I lost Jim and truly lost myself and did not know how to keep going and what was next. And I thought all my dreams were gone. And I was really, really just stumbling along figuring it out. And through listening to myself and trusting myself, which might be the first time in my life that I've done that because I'm the rule of a good girl. And I've always listened to my parents and my professors. But I really had to find my own way to heal. And the club, the members of this club that we didn't ask to join have been a huge part of my healing journey. Because those who are a little bit further along can remind us that there is hope and it gets easier to breathe. And we'll get through it together.
Thank you. Yes, that just hit me when you said we were. We were members of the same club. Yeah. When we spoke previously, one of the most comforting things you told me was to heal your own way. Will you discuss that a little bit?
● Yeah. And when I introduce myself, it's so funny that I didn't mention I'm a psychologist, a speaker and an author. And I have spent the majority of my career working with survivors of suicide and deep trauma. So, the world expected me to be able to bounce back. Because I'm trained in dealing with trauma, and my education and experience, none of that mattered. And I had to do it my own way, which was not well received. And it took a lot to stay on my own path and go do what was right for me because we live in this world, where everybody just bounces back. And nobody talks about their feelings through this. And I just wasn't willing to do that. I wasn't going to pretend I was okay. On a day, I was really struggling. And I've just become really passionate about helping people understand that you know your path and no one else knows it. And you have to heal your own way. Or it will take longer and it will be more intense and more difficult if you're just trying to do what others tell us to do or are or how others watch how others have gotten through it themselves. That won't work for us. And I think the resistance that I received really lit a fire under me to let people know that there's no right or wrong way.
There's no time frame, and whatever feels right for you is so important and especially other people's expectations and the fact that we need to know what our boundaries are, and then you hit on the element of time. I found myself saying all Okay, last week was six months, he's been gone a half a year, I had some expectations of myself on what that timeline meant. And it seems like it was just yesterday.
● And I'm almost at four years... and it feels like just yesterday. You know, it's amazing that four years are passing, and I have all these new people in my life that Jim didn't ever meet. But it still feels like yesterday. And earlier, I said, it gets easier to breathe. I truly meant easier to breathe for me, it hasn't gotten easier. It's gotten different. And I
honor that. I don't want to tell people, it will get better, it will be signed, I don't know that it will. But I know that we'll get through it.
That's beautiful. Honor that it's different. So we want to keep the confidentiality of our clients.
But do you have a client case study that you could share that our listeners could resonate with?
● I do have a client who is in the process of changing careers, because after losing her spouse, life just didn't feel the same. Her job wasn't bringing that reward. And I think that's common for a lot of us in grief. I and my clients all seem to make some sort of a change because the life we planned isn't here anymore. And so, we have to adjust our plans. So this client has had a very thriving business. And everyone else thinks that she should just keep going, keep making money, and she's miserable. So she is opening an art studio and getting a lot of negative feedback. And I just think it's so beautiful that she's listening to herself and figuring out what feels right for her because it is a long road. And there are difficult days. And I love that she's able to do what is feeling right for her and not focus on success that other people measure those standards by.
That is beautiful, thank you. And adjusting your plans is a beautiful way to put that. Just a real treasure there. So we mentioned being in the same club of losing a spouse, but it doesn't matter if the lost is a pet, a parent or even a job. Do you want to address that a little bit?
● Yeah, I do not believe that we are taught to grieve. And it's important. We just went through millions of teenagers not being able to have a graduation last year, and that they missed something that everybody else their age gets to experience. And I think it's important to honor that. and validate those feelings, rather than sweeping them under the rug and acting like it didn't happen. And I think that one of my biggest frustrations with the world is that it makes other people uncomfortable. So we just don't talk about it. And if we don't talk about it, nothing will ever change. And I want those of you who haven't experienced a loss to know, the only way you really understand it is when it happens to you and I don't wish that pain and anyone but it doesn't end and there's no time frame. The hardest stay is what are yours. These things. They just don't go away.
And it's important for me to let everyone know that. It's okay. It's okay not to be okay.
It's okay not to be okay. And as you were talking, I thought about your podcast because you have a podcast where you talk about subjects that others don't and others won't. Will you address that a little bit for our listeners?
● Yes. It's called the “Be Ruthless Show”. And it's about making noise and breaking stigmas. And I feel like the world doesn't talk about grief. The world doesn't talk about mental illness. The world doesn't talk about violence in schools we do when there's an incident. But then we just rushed back to living life. And these are the conversations that we need to have to help people understand what we live with, what we go through, what we need. So I'm very passionate about having those uncomfortable conversations.
Yes. And our listeners can tune in to that podcast. I know I have, and it's been very beneficial. Well, here's a topic, not everybody talks about. So will you talk a little bit about going into the holiday season, and handling or coping with grief, some tips that might help us?
● Yes, and bear with me, because they might not sound easy. But again, a lot of us behave in a way that we think we're expected to or to avoid making other people uncomfortable. So, I think it's really, really important to be able to say, the holidays are tough for me. Because not everybody thinks that way. And if people are not aware, or not consciously saying maybe somebody's struggling right now, what can I do, you're giving them that data, you're giving them that information by just saying, it's, it's harder for me than others. So that would be my first tip. My second tip is part of healing your own way, you are not obligated to do anything you don't want to do, you do not have to attend a holiday party, if you don't want to, you can attend a holiday party. And if you have to step away, and you have some tears, or you have a moment, that is all okay, we do not have to put on a happy face and get through the holidays, acting like they're a celebration for us when they're not. Beautiful, beautiful. And just that saying holidays are tough for me, or I know this holiday will be tough for me. And planning ahead makes a big difference. If you know that there are certain people that will make it harder, that it's difficult to be around and they drain your energy. You don't have to be with them on the actual holiday, see them after the first of the year, choose intentionally, who you're spending your time with, who you're surrounding yourself with, what you're watching and listening to. Because that all matters, and it's what we're filling our minds with. And we're in charge, you do not have to play by anybody else's rules, it's time to make your own.
Yes, boundaries are so important. I know when you and I met individually, we talked a little bit about the negative relatives in both of our lives, and, and how we needed to set some boundaries.
● For sure, and I think, again, that plays into, I felt obligated to have these people in my life and I was tolerating being treated very poorly. And I had to really, truly have a conversation with myself and with Jim. Because I do that. And I knew he would be disgusted with how I was being treated. And so I waited way too long. I Oh, the moment I had that feeling. My body knew these people were bringing me down, and I thought it so I would invite you to learn from my mistakes. And if somebody brings you down or isn't great to be around, you set that boundary, you don't have to see them or you see them on your terms for half an hour only. But we have lost enough. We do not need to spend our time doing anything that we don't enjoy with anybody that brings us down.
That's right. We have an obligation to yourself to experience joy whenever possible for our own mental health or own physical health for that balance. We'll have healthiness in our lives. And I know I need to give myself that little talk quite often. And I also talked to Charlie and say, I can't believe how I'm being too treated and, and I know you wouldn't approve of it. So let's go for a walk. And then I take dusty boy, my dog out for a walk, for sure. I'd like to have you address just a couple of the difficult things there's, I know a friend of mine had lost her husband in. And you know, quite a bit of time had passed, but she was out in a social situation where couples were dancing. And she just had to leave because her husband wasn't there. And it was okay, it's okay to do that. And I know one thing that I heard you say was actually going to a location and sitting in the car, did that happen to you?
● Driving was one of the hardest things for me. First of all, I'd had a traumatic car accident. And so driving, it was always stressful, but I would hear a song on the radio that would make me melt down, or I would pass our favorite place. And I would leave my house with the best of intentions. And either pull over on the side of the road sobbing or get to my destination, and have so much anxiety about whether or not I could go in and not fall apart, that I didn't go in. And I think that's important for our listeners to hear.
Because as you mentioned before, you're kind of a grief expert, psychologist, you help people with anxiety. And so here you are with tons of tools. And I would say that I have lots of tools too. And yet, we still are human. And it's important to acknowledge that. And it's important to acknowledge what you're attending and what you're participating in. Because the first few months after I lost Jim, I did try to do what everyone expected me to do. And that was not working. I didn't want to be going to all these things I didn't, it was very difficult to be around happy people when I was so so unhappy. And in so much pain, that I think it's important to sit down and really think about whether or not you want to go, if you do, that's great, then let's figure out how to go and get through it. But I was attending to things that I did not want and had to be selfish. I had to say I'm taking care of myself, my number one goal. And these things aren't healthy for me, and they're making it harder.
That's beautiful. I'm taking care of myself, I'm going to adapt to that thing.
● Well as women, we spend our life taking care of others, right. And as a psychologist, I think that it really truly was the first time in my life at 44 years old that I said I am my number one priority I think anybody experiencing a loss, I wish that we lived in a world that taught this, you need to be selfish, you need to take care of you in order to be there for anybody else as a friend as a relative. And we just aren't taught that. So it was very difficult for me to make that shift. But I had to and I want everyone else to know that you. You don't need my permission, you absolutely have the right to do and not do whatever you choose to get through this. Your only job is to survive.
That's beautiful. With the holidays coming up. It's just up to you what you do and don't do. So our listeners as we wind down here, I was wondering if you could talk to our listeners a little bit about how they can get a hold of you how they could take another step with you what are some of your resources that you have available?
● My website is Samantharuth.com. And everything you need is on there all of my social media names, my podcast, everything is there including my shout guide to healing it. Shout stands for the five different steps. So we all remember things easier when there's a little word or phrase that goes along with it. And you can get that it's free on my website as soon as you go to the page. And I also do a monthly workshop relief from grief where I work through that sheet with you and show you how to start implementing things today that will help you move through your grief one moment at a time because it's real. And you don't need anybody to tell you that. But if there's anything I can help get you through it, make it less painful lessons. Hence, I would love to be able to give that support to anybody struggling.
Thank you so much, Sam. And the shout out guide and the relief from grief. And all of that will be on our show notes page. Thank you, for our listeners. So I just want to give you a big Virtual hug. And thank you so much for being with us today and just giving us that permission to heal our own way. Thank you. Is there anything else that you think we should let people know?
● I want you to know that your pain is real. You're not alone. And a lot of times, we feel like nobody gets it and it can be easy to get into a pattern of isolating. Find one person we cannot get through this by ourselves. And connection is part of the healing process. And like I said, I had no interest in being around a lot of happy people. I'm not saying you need to go that far out of your comfort zone but find one, one safe person that you trust
to just let them know. Some days are still difficult and that is a very big gift you can give to yourself.
Beautiful, beautiful. Thank you so much for being with us today.
● Thank you for having me.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai