Boundaries! Boundaries make life better according to Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist and NLP Coach Kimberly Pereira...an expert on creating better relationships with boundaries and in turn creating a better life for yourself. In this exciting episode she discusses how to make your dreams become a reality by communicating clear expectations to others. So welcome in Kimberly, I am so excited to have you with us! Before we talk about boundaries today, please tell our audience a little bit about yourself.
● For sure, Darla. So I'm Kimberly Pereira, and I'm up in Ontario, Canada, I've been a coach and a therapist for a decade plus not to date myself. But that means I have a ton of experience that I really want to share with the audience today. I have lots of education and background pieces that I don't want to list out. But what I've essentially been doing is helping women to create better relationships, better lives for themselves, and creating their dream reality. And that all begins with boundaries, which is why I'm super excited to be here with you talking about this topic today, Darla….
Well, we certainly want to create our dream realities, and talk about boundaries making life better. So let's start with the basics. How would you define a boundary?
● Awesome question, great place to start. A lot of people have different ideas about what boundaries are. But essentially, they're like an acknowledgement, and then, and a commitment to yourself, and then as an extension to others about what is acceptable. And what is unacceptable for you, with whom, and under what circumstances is something acceptable or unacceptable. And so it kind of boils down to how we communicate to ourselves and to others. This is how I respect myself. And here is how you can also be respectful to me in return.
So you touched on this a little bit, but would you elaborate on why boundaries are so important?
● Absolutely… boundaries are important because they guide us on how to be with ourselves and with other people. So when we create a relationship with someone, we begin to create a space and a time out of life, for people who are spiritually inclined listeners out of everything that's possible. And so to be with a person, or people or a group or a thing, in a specific space in time, we already have boundaries that are set, just by, you know, doing, playing and being... and we say, well, “she's my friend, or he's my boyfriend, or husband or whatever”, we're putting our relationship into a structure that has expectations for how we are or how we can be with that person. And that's meaningful to us. And it's meaningful to other people. And so there are inherent boundaries with those expectations and agreements. And then there's also the pieces that really communicate what's important to us. And boundaries are a way for us to be clear with ourselves and with other people. What's important to us.
Yes, to expectations and agreements, for sure. So when it comes to that, what relationships can probably benefit the most from boundaries?
● I love that you specified this Darla. Because oftentimes, particularly with the women I work with, they're concerned about boundaries with partners, or with friends or in their businesses. And the reality is that all relationships can benefit most from boundaries, because all relationships are agreements between two or more people for how to be with each other in certain ways. And so that's really like in any agreement or any contract, we have parameters, we have guidelines, we have expectations around, how transparent are we going to be? How open are we going to be? How are we going to communicate with each other, and all those things are essentially boundaries? But if we don't communicate boundaries with say, for example, I have a new partner now. And I've had partners in the past and if I don't specifically communicate my boundaries to them or them to me, we can end up saying hurtful things without realizing it. We have more misunderstandings and more. So if we don't communicate the boundaries, with a current specific partner, then a lot of hurtful things can come up unnecessarily, we can have misunderstandings, because we are bringing our past into the present. This is just something we do. This is how we're wired. And we repeat patterns. But when we communicate boundaries in any new relationship or any current relationship, we start unraveling those patterns. So we can create the relationship we actually want to have with the person that we're within the present. So it really is that all relationships can benefit from boundaries.
I'm especially interested when you talked about the parameters, and how we're kind of wired to repeat some of the same patterns. So putting that responsibility kind of back on ourselves, how do we know exactly when a personal boundary has been violated?
● Yes, and in all my years of working with different people, there are a couple of key ways that are common for people to know when their personal boundaries have been violated. One of the biggest identifiers and you may experience this yourself Darla is that we know when something suddenly feels off or wrong. And so there's that felt sense that can be an indicator, we may have agreed to something, or said we volunteered for something and now suddenly, it doesn't feel right anymore. So that can be an indicator for people who are feeling oriented. And then there's also for people who are really auditory oriented. They might hear themselves saying either out loud, or in their head things like I offered, but I don't really want to do that. Or I said yes. But I really should have said no, that's a common one. Or it can come up as great. How did I get roped into that? So there's this sense that we are questioning our decision or our choice, or we notice that we actually can't or don't want to do what we've agreed to. So that's an indicator that either we or somebody else's violated that boundary. And of course, we're talking about emotional psychological boundaries. We're not talking about the physical boundaries, which are more obvious.
Yes, I love the way you said it felt or sensed. You know, and the questioning, of course, when we find ourselves questioning, and thinking we got roped into something. Been there and done that. So why do we find it so hard to set boundaries?
● Well, Dar I know, this isn't gonna surprise you. Because you do this work. And so much of it is about how we are conditioned to be as women, and how we are conditioned culturally in family cultures. And of course, our larger cultural demographic, their specific expectations and whether saying no, is allowed or endorsed, whether asserting yourself standing up for yourself. Whether saying what you want or need, whether that's something that we are comfortable with, or we've been conditioned, that that's not okay. Perhaps sometimes even when we've attempted to do that we've had really negative experiences. So our brain remembers that and says, Oh, I can't do that anymore. That was painful. And so setting boundaries is aligning with all of those things around taking care of self, which isn't and hasn't always been endorsed in the larger picture. And also, a lot of women feel like if they're setting boundaries, they're being selfish. We've been conditioned to put others first. And that's a positive thing, except when it starts to compromise ourselves. And it takes away from when we're already depleted, for example. So there's lots of those condition pieces that are still running.
Absolutely. I'm so glad you mentioned those various examples. And our listening audience has a large percentage of women. So do you have some suggestions on what they can do and what we can do to make setting boundaries easier?
● Absolutely. So setting boundaries is one of the first pieces of work I do with all my clients. We always check their boundaries and how they're setting them and also holding them. So the number one thing To remember to make it easier is that it's about clear communication. And it can start out in line with who you are, in fact, it must start out with who you are and how you already communicate. Because we want to transition ourselves into becoming comfortable with setting boundaries, there's going to be discomfort in the beginning, because it's new, and it may not have always been a safe thing to do. So we really want to start with communicating the boundaries in a way that feels right for who you are. So in the beginning, that might look like giving a brief explanation when you say, sorry, I can't help you out this weekend, I've got other plans. And it can start as simple as that to eventually, you may move into more of a negotiating space to set boundaries in a different way. But we really want to work with what your style is. Some professionals who work with boundary setting will say,” No is a complete sentence.” And that's enough. But that's very uncomfortable when you're starting out setting boundaries. So we really want to begin with if you feel like you've got to give a brief explanation. That's okay. The important piece is that you start….
That is so good. The important thing is that you start… You mentioned that you help several clients with this. And we want to keep client confidentiality. But do you have a client case study or interesting story that you could tell us about boundaries?
● Absolutely. So in, one of the things that's really fascinating is that my clients are, they're all amazing people. And they all tend to be oriented towards pleasing other people first. And so it's kind of a compilation of different cases and clients. But most of my clients come from helping professions. So they're already “givers”. They're mothers, they're nurturers, and that comes naturally to them. And so one in particular had a lot of strong beliefs about, you know, how selfish it was, for her to say what she needed, and then also to ask for what she needed. So with setting boundaries with her, she couldn't, you know, really say what she wanted, she was quite quiet, she would really be sacrificing herself in a lot of ways to make other people happy. And so by the end of some of our work together, she was able to not only say what she was needing and wanting, but she actually began to inspire other people in her, her personal community and network. And she started kind of sharing and standing up for some of her girlfriends around how they could also begin to set boundaries, if they chose to, she was really respectful of it because she was aware of not overstepping boundaries. And so finding that medium place into having no boundaries, having lots of boundaries to finding a comfortable middle where she could also inspire other women.
That is beautiful. Thanks for sharing that ripple effect. I also thought it was interesting that most of your clients are giving or givers in multiple ways. And so what that brings to mind is, how do you work with them? Or how do you explain boundaries when it comes to spiritual practices, because we are as women basically busy in an identity of giving?
● Mm hmm. Yeah. And, you know, it's really fascinating when it comes to spiritual practices, because everybody has some reference in their life to a kind of a special place for themselves. Maybe it has been a childhood home or a special place in their own home. Maybe it was a church or a community place where people would gather to really be themselves, expand their knowledge, and experience things together. So when it comes to spiritual practices, a lot of times we talk about setting a space, or we hear people talking about clearing the space, clearing energy in a space before they do a practice or creating sacred space. And so in these ways, we are also setting boundaries, your home even is setting a boundary there are walls there. And what that allows is for us to declare what is allowed inside that space and what is unwelcoming that space, what's not welcome to come in are invited to come in and join us. And so when we do that, we are really identifying a space and a time out of, as I mentioned earlier, this massive potentiality. And what that does is creates a container for new things to grow. When we look at things like animal eggs, bird eggs, they have a shell, they have a container and within that new life is able to grow. And the same applies to a spiritual practice or an energetic practice or energetic space, is that when we create these boundaries, we're also enabling the opportunity for growth for expansion, and a container to bring whatever we are intending or casting or asking for to come into existence in that container. So I love that that's an opportunity we're creating in our own lives.
Mm hmm. I love that analogy of a container or a spot like our home, and what is allowed in and what is not allowed in. It's just made it so visual, thank you so much. What can we do when we experience someone challenging our boundaries, something that we don't want to let in?
● Because inevitably, we will experience a challenge to our boundaries. It's one of those things that has to happen. And that's really about our relationship with yourself. So when you lean on a fence, for example, if the fence sways, and doesn't really hold you, it doesn't inspire trust in the fence to do its job. It's like, oh, that's, that's an unreliable fence. And so when somebody challenges our boundaries, and we kind of sway on it, we're not really sure how to hold it. What they're testing really is, do you really believe in that boundary? Do you really trust that boundary? And so when we hold the boundary, we stay committed to ourselves, and to MIT committed to the boundary that we've said, what that does is it shows that you are solid, you are trusting yourself. And so it doesn't allow people to really recognize that they can change your mind very easily, you're not easily swayed. So holding the boundary, when someone is challenging you is very important, even if it means you just repeat yourself. I've already said, I'm busy that weekend, I can't help you. He just did that repetition and stayed strong. And that is really helpful. And so oftentimes we practice scripts, because you're going to know in your world who's most likely to challenge your boundaries, and what they're going to say. So you can prepare for the challenge, because I'm telling you to come in anyway, you can prepare yourself with a script that you can repeat very simply, short sentences, so that you can hold that boundary. And you know, like we say, three times is the charm. Once you hold the boundary, after it's been challenged three times it tends to stick. And the challenges won't come as often or frequently or at all on that boundary. Again.
I love how you come back to it's really your relationship to yourself. And also, you mentioned that you can repeat the same statement. You don't have to change the statement every time you object. You have the right to repetition, right?
● And simple is better and easier for everybody.
Do you have a couple examples of those? Just some short scripts that our audience can use when they're in these situations?
● Absolutely. So the repetition piece is key. So it doesn't it doesn't matter how you set it up. So simply put your boundary is going to normally include a no or a version of No. It might be because I'm busy that weekend, I'm unavailable. I'd like to help you but you can do that when you're starting out. We talked about, you know, we don't want to make excuses or give explanations, but sometimes in the beginning that's easier. So if you have a legitimate reason, even if it's I have an appointment and in your mind you finish that statement with myself. We want to stay congruent with it because you want to believe it, it's easier to remember and it's easier to repeat. So essentially it's some version of No. If you're comfortable with stopping at that point you can if you want to give a little additional piece. You can if It's in your lexicon. I'm in Canada. So I'm sorry. And thank you are common comments up here. So you may want to say thanks for asking. I'd love to maybe another time is another example of that.
I love how you said, I have an appointment with myself keeping this boundary. Line.
● That's right. It's all true.
I love that one. So if I'm, if our audience wants to pursue this discussion on boundaries further, please tell us, it will be in the show notes. But please tell us how they can work with you. And I'm excited about your upcoming course too. So maybe you could talk to them about that.
● For sure. So the best way to find me is online at “activated global.com”. And you'll see any of the program pieces, some of the additional work that I do is there. And the course you're talking about Darla is called” Setting Boundaries That Stick”. And so it was developed out of my repetitiveness because we do all the repetition. All the work that I've done with clients and the process that was the easiest for them, and the most effective for them to begin to set boundaries and hold them. And so in that mini course, I'm guiding you through the videos for the exact process to use that I use with my direct clients as well. So you can get the same results to set boundaries that stick for you.
And I happen to know that it's at a very nice low reasonable price for anybody so that’s “setting boundaries that stick.” And I just want to thank you so much for this awesome conversation and for coming on this podcast with us today. Kimberly.
● Thank you so much Darla, for having me and I'm so excited to share this with people and I can't wait to hear the results they get from setting their own b boundaries.
I can't either
Transcribed by https://otter.ai