Bert Kreischer (part 1)

Rolling in three two? Are we rolling right now?

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Now listen, the reviews are in.

Shane Gillis's podcast was absolutely outstanding. You guys came in. You've absolutely dominated for us. You've been liking subscribing, unsubscribing and resubscribing. But there is one thing we've heard. It hurt a little bit, But sometimes you have to sit and look at yourself in the mirror and say what can I do better? And that thing is shut it down a little faster on the interest. So we're gonna do the best we can. Forty minutes last time.

Was a little much.

People are complaining because that the Shane gill crew wanted to jump in. And now at this moment we will get into our a couple of housekeeping things. We will get into a couple of shout out no free shoutouts of the week. Will can't make it today because the boy's under the weather. He's got one of those little things under his tongue right now. He's got a little little thing on a little cold press on his head. He's in bed, he's holding himself. He's probably going out

The boys today.

So shout out Will for not coming in here and getting the whole squad sick because he had a little bit of fomo.

Now I'm trying to keep it tight. Boys.

We had a lot of things to touch on, but the first thing we should touch on is our favorite segment of the week, the shout out no free shadow of the week. Let's do it, boys, let's do it now. We are missing Bloss. He had surgery last week.

He's out.

I'm sure he've been something about forty nine ers, so I'll just do it for him. Shout out George Kittle Shadow forty nine Ers. Shout out every single player that's ever played for the forty nine Ers are the greatest NFL player of all time. We love you guys so much. Yay Barry A fuck dad dude. All right, let's move on. We are now on JP. Who's sitting in Bloss to see Bloss. I know you're listening because you love it. You should be a little upset with JP, but it's

Though.

Hey my shout out no free shout out of the week a little bit more, a little bit like another throwback I did previously, but I was I was walking around the mall this past weekend. The best part about the mall the free samples from the Chinese restaurants.

Damn for real, shout out, no free.

Shout out to the employee that stands out there and hands out those toothpicks. And also shout out to that free sampled chicken. It tastes better than the normal chicken.

The normal chicken, dude, they must have put some crack cocaine or something in there. They gotta put something a little legal in there, and you taste you. I gotta get this and then you get the whole, You get the meat and three of whatever. The Chinese version of that is. You get that, you eat and you're like, this isn't the same. Exactly what an out standing shut out, no free shutout of the week.

Crazy.

I love it.

Jack McPherson, who's not sitting in JPC JP is now sitting in Blosso Sea over to Jackie, what do you got, baby, You've been hit with hitters all day.

I think you're gonna really like this one.

Oh, speaking it to.

A new level.

I'm not adding a new dimension. But let me let me set the scene. Let's say you're driving in.

Your Carlicos mess all right, start off for sure.

So you're driving in the car, usually going uh somewhere close enough maybe three four hours max. And you're hitting the stack and all of a sudden, right around the state lines, you always see one of those big ass stores. It says world's biggest fireworks stand and they're open year round. So this weekend I traveled to Knoxville shout out no free shout out to my boy Josh Dobbs.

Went from just golf tournament.

But on the way to Knoxville, I passed one of the biggest fireworks stands. So I go in there, and of course I'm the only person in there, probably the only person that's been in that.

Store since July.

How do they pay their texas?

Who knows?

But these guys wanted to sell me everything in the store. I didn't have the heart to tell them what I was buying them for, so I literally lied and said that I was getting them for my nephew, which I do not even have a nephew. So anyways, you can open your eyes now, so shout out, no free.

Shout out to the fireworks stand.

But I also.

I brought some black cats to the boys. So hiring gifts, the man comes bearing gifts, feel bad. I feel bad for will and bloss things go on here. You'll get one up here.

And then obviously had to get some of the m eighties, and the man made me made it.

Very clear that they were waterproof.

He would not he lets you know, bunker Busters one hundred counts.

Well, we'll go out in the parking lot, maybe in the alley and hit a black cat for the for the old times, but you had an apple or something like that.

Shout out, no free.

Shout out to all of the grinders out there in those fireworks stands that only operate in heavy traffic between July first and July seventh.

No shit, did they pay all their bills in those four to three days.

No, But I mean I was probably the only customer that's been in there in months. So shout out those guys outstanding.

I love that.

Shout out that was and you know what, dude, growing up in Arizona highly illegal. You know why, you blow on something too hard, you snap your fingers a little too hard.

There's a whole fire going on. It's a desert baby.

This You give this to an eighth grader in Arizona, you better watch your fucking hat, dude.

This is the ship right here. Hey, that's great.

And he only he did a shout out, no free shadow of a week, but he also bringing gifts.

I give the edge of Jack and this one over JP right now. I'm not saying it's competition. I'm not saying it's competition at all.

They're both outstanding, but I will say it's pretty great. I know, I know Garret probably doesn't have gifts, so he knows he's under these.

Be a sample on a stick, bro days old.

I don't Yeah, I don't know how that would have gone over. I'll tell you what, dude, I'll collab on that Jack.

I'll clap on them, man. Man go starts with taking.

A chance, next up and last up because we're missing Bloss bosses out. So JP's sitting in Bloss to see Jack is sitting in JPC and Garret kind of sitting wherever the fuck he wants. He's like a no mad in this place. Garrett, What do you got for us babies?

My shout out, no free shout out of the week. The boys are dropping merch this week. Oh we have three and three new hats, so I come with gifts for everyone.

Okay, I love that. I fucking love that.

And we when we put that thing down in the merch store and people see those things, they're incredible.

I've got a little sneak peek and I love them.

Now let me ask you this. You sent me some hats to go off of, and you said pick three. I never picked three, not those, not those whatever we I know we're in store.

Those are coming for the like I think the fall.

When these things drop, those hats I'm talking about right there, These those are gonna be bangers too.

Don't get me wrong.

When those other hats drop, you might have to cancel the competition on hats of all time. Christmas, dude, cancel it. Hanukkah, Christmas, all them winter holidays, dude, shut them all down. Yeah, because that shit goes fucking hard. I'll be quick because we're already running in We told ourselves fifteen minutes and were literally get the halfway point right there. We just hit the halfway point right there. My shout out, no free Shadow, shout.

Out of the Weeks. I think I fucked that up.

It's okay, Goo's too And this is kind of a this is kind of a you know, this is kind of are we go because I'm employed?

But my shout out no free Shadow of.

The week goes to hang them down low steal trap, big balls John Robinson for handling the draft the way he did Thursday. Hey, what's that old thing they had us in the first half. I'll be honest, that shit happened Thursday night. Happened we trade up. I'm sitting there and for two and a half seconds, I go, Yo, Taylor, what's happening.

AJ Brown's gone.

My agent texted me, says AJ Brown is gone, And I'm like, what did we get? The entire Eagles franchise? Like, what are we about to grab?

Here?

They say the eighteenth overall pick or sixteenth overall pick, one of the two and the one hundred and first pick.

Now, first things first, your first thought is.

I don't know because AJ Brown he's played in the league for a few years. He's an absolute stud. He's young, he's going into his primeiers all those things. And he takes this kid, Traylon Burke, who is about to be my new teammate. He's a little chubby in the FACEO meankes you nervous. The first play pumps, but then you just realize he's just a country boy dude. This kid fucking stabs bores.

And then he goes on in the draft.

And at first I said a little tweet, I say, hey, Titans, sans, how do we feel? I had over two thousand replies, and about one nine and ninety five of those things were negative. Five of those guys are like Benjay, Robberie. Trust those people got murdered. Then Saturdays when the drafts, Thursday, Friday, Saturdays, when the draft ends, I'm in New Orleans. I got a cool new tattoo. I walks into his shop and just randomly got that.

I'm in New Orleans.

I say, people, how are we feeling?

How do we feel about this new little deal? And it almost seemed like a reverse reaction. People are very excited.

Now I know the Malik Willis thing, Milik will miliek Willis. That's how you say his name, Milik Willis. Everyone was really excited because everyone for some reason hates Tannehill. It's not like he just brought this franchise back to life whatever. But Willis is a big one. I think that kid from a house state looks like a stud. You know, he does have that one play against him. And second overall,

Will never know.

I might know, some people Ben Jones might know, but you guys will never know, right, and we won't know if it was the right move or not. I would say for three years, seventy two months, that's all we got. But I will say for John to do what he did, stay the course, he handled adversity from the fantasy. Probably

I'd say that man deserves a shoutout. No free shadow of the week? Am I right?

Am? I right?

So shout out John Robinson, my boss, thank you for not cutting me. That's always outstanding. It's always a win when you get to stay on the team for another year.

I love that.

A lot of people people did say, I wish that was you, Taylor, Jay.

People said, I wish that.

Was you, said Jay.

Here's a little spoiler, guys, it's a completely different game, right, completely different game my cap hit AJ where what he wanted is just a totally different game.

You're not We're not playing the same shots. Fear. It's tough to do.

I'm gonna give us a two extra minutes. We're gonna go seventeen minutes. I want to know JP. You don't care, so you're not. I don't care if you speak in this or not, but I want to hear from a couple of homegrown cats how they feel the Tennessee Titans draft went. So Jack, I'll let you have the mic first, give me your give me your full bit.

Baby.

You can take as long as you want, and we'll get the Burt christ for in a second two episodes.

It's unbelievable. But Jack, you're up. Yeah.

I mean, obviously, AJ being the uh probably the biggest news in the entire draft over every team is the most shocking.

Uh.

Twitter was an absolute shit storm for some flowers. We're all battling for our lives. I obviously love AJ to death. I've got the AJ jersey, still wondering when I'm gonna get my refund for that. So AJ, if you're listening, maybe shoot me a eighty hundred piece because you know I invested in that jersey.

But anyways, I'm also really excited for Turylin Berks. I think he's gonna be a stud. He's a grinder.

He's a kid that you're not gonna have to worry too much outside of the locker room. I feel like, so I feel like he's gonna be dialed in. Obviously, there's why do you feel that way, Mainly the country aspect he comes from, like a smaller town.

It just seems like he's a.

Kid who's just like all about ball, Like there's not gonna be too many distractions on the outside.

Again, I don't know the guy at all.

I've seen him play, you know, a few times, mainly when Tennessee was playing Arkansas stuff like that, But I went and watched a couple of his highlights, and the kid's explosive, the kid's gritty. He looks like he's gonna be potentially a good one. I like him and Robert Woods being our two guys. We've got a lot of new faces coming in, so in a way, it kind of feels like our offense is gonna just have this new allure to it.

And there's a lot of question marks. But I've got.

I've got promise and again, and I'm also a die hard, So my hope is through the roof all the time for the Titans.

You know, one thing that will make you actually believe that all the things you said are true is just looking at the way trailin Burke was dressed when he came to Tennessee absolutely ray shit kicker boots, washed blue jeans and assure you didn't he didn't care if it fit or not when he tucked it in.

Yeah.

I mean even like going back to you when you first got drafted came here, or how you said you just like fell in love with Nashville.

You can imagine a guy who kind of is.

Like feels like rooted in this culture and community already.

He's gotta be over.

The moon that he's in a town where he's probably gonna feel more comfortable than maybe say like in La or New York.

So starting off him just getting here and feeling like he's.

Part of the community already, I think that's gonna be a big thing. I like a lot of our other picks, the molequallest one. Obviously, people are like thinking that, you know, if if Tanny doesn't perform this year, it's gonna be the Moleik Show. I don't think that's the case. You know, he's coming from Liberty. I know there's gonna be a lot of guys in the coaching room. They're gonna him so excited to see if he's got any upside other than that. I mean, obviously the main thing was the

And the whole town loved him.

I mean, he was full of charisma and and just a strong go getter.

But I hope the best for him with the Eagles.

The one thing I am concerned about, no matter how well treylon Berg's performs, if AJ goes to the Eagles and it has like the best season of his career, people are just gonna think that we fucked up. But I don't know that. That's my take on it. I hope the best for Aj. I like a lot of our new guys, I think there's gonna be some grinders out there excited to see what comes.

In the fall.

Before you passed that MinC off the Garrett, would you have given Aj Brown twenty five million dollars a year?

No, it's just so much money.

Why not.

I just don't see it being like anything like with our team. You said him so much that, like the locker room aspect is like something that most people don't see in the NFL.

They'll talk about it almost.

Being like a high school atmosphere where it's like everyone's just like ride or die for each other. And I feel like in a lot of these locker rooms, people getting paid, people trying to figure out where their next paychecks coming from, how much more they can get.

It feels different in Tennessee.

Obviously, me being a fan, never playing it down for the Titans or in any competitive football.

It still seems that it was just too much.

If he had maybe missed some of the injuries in the last year and a half and really was like the top one or two dogs receiver wise in the NFL, it would have made more sense. But I'm happy it worked out for him and he got the bag with the Eagles. One of my roommates and best friends is a huge Eagles fan, so I'm happy for him, happy for the city of Philadelphia. I don't feel like there was more pros than there were cons giving him that much money in four years.

But again, we could always be wrong, we could always be right.

So we'll just see, Yeah, at one point in this in this year, it will absolutely be the Titans are episode idiots, because something will happen and then at another point in the same year, there's gonna be the thing to say, Titans of the smartest people in the entire world. Right, there's always gonna be that contrast. That's the world we live in. That's the game we gotta play. Garrett, what are your thoughts on the twenty twenty two NFL Draft?

Garrett.

So, I was at birthday dinner for my girlfriend when the AJ news dropped the.

One you apologize to at the line I apologize.

To, I probably owe another apology because my attention was blown as soon as my phone started going off about Ajyep.

She looks at me.

She's like, what, like, well, AJ Brown just got traded, so everything's fucked. Yeah, it's like okay, great, here goes this dinner, Like we just sat down.

Yeah, the dinner's over.

Great dinner.

It did suck seeing that AJ left. I think for the first time I saw how the business works because we had a picket twenty six and then we had a picket ninety and the amount of picks we picked up throughout the entire draft by moving around trading aj. Obviously we left with way more players to add to the roster, and after last year you could see it's a next man up mentality here and having more people I think was very crucial. And I think all the

He porged Bama.

And then the next guy we picked, the corner from Auburn torch Bama too. So I'm very familiar glad to have them on our team, no doubt. I think the drafting Malik Willis it was a It's obviously going to cause controversy on Twitter, but I'm I'm a fan of having a little bit of a battle in the QB thing. All it's gonna do is make Tannehill play better. Yeah, we got a guy from Ohio State. Looks pretty solid and my favorite pick is probably Hassan Haskins.

Jack and I were Haskins dude.

Jack and I were at the Michigan Ohio State game the Big House, and that boy went all in the.

Snow, little racist. You said, boy, well as you're white, right, No, we can cut that. We cut that.

Hey, go back to the Shane episode.

You'll hear. Yeah, no doubt. I'm only kidding. No, dude, the guy's a stud dud. We picked him up. I was super excited about that.

Yeah, I was super stoked on that. And then the guy, the tight end we got from Maryland. People are saying he's kind of like a John new Smith type guy.

Love that.

I mean it kind of was a point that we missed that last year. I think from the tight end position, I just like the speed and skill out of him. So I'm looking forward to seeing where he fits in.

I love that. I can say one thing. Okay, you can say we're at nineteen minutes, thirty second or quick. I need everybody in thirty years to come back to this clip. Traylon Burke Hall of Famer. Oh my god, oh hey, couple of golf claps came with that thing. Double golf claps.

Burt Chrischer podcast is coming up part one of two next eight weeks, but in two podcast out a week.

They will be separate from this week.

Obviously, this is a four hour one talking about Donald Trump Hans right now, but there will be one on Tuesday. One on Thursday, completely separate pause except for this week. Please enjoy the show. I'm gonna hit one ad read and then bing bang boomy as.

Are in it.

And if you guys stuck with us for the twenty minutes, God bless each and every one of you, please subscribe, unsubscribe, resubscribe. Seventy percent of our audience does not subscribe to this podcast. So if you can just hit that button for us, I don't give a shit if you ever look at us again. But he hit that button helps the boys to the top. And like I said, we're gonna new one quick little atter read and here we are and it's one of the most delicious things you guys have

Trust us on this one. It's truly one hundred percent Hunter. It's truly it.

It truly is one hundred percent of the good stuff. That was tough for me, but this will be go down a lot better than that. Ad read just did get your bottle at shop dot whistlepig Whiskey dot com or at a local wheel tailor retailor retailer retailer And now, finally, for God's sake, spurg christ or please enjoy. Hey catch him?

What's what?

Girl?

Blood?

He blowt his knee?

Yeah, Sgara blew out his knee trying to dunk. You never saw the video?

Now, Oh is that what? His army flailed in, his.

Arm broken half and he broke the hara.

Thank you. Yeah, I have seen that video.

I watched it and I remember you guys doing a pod and you guys saying that was him. But for some reason in my mind was like, I don't believe it.

Oh dude, it was it was.

I was there and uh at the basketball for it.

Well, I ended up resetting his arm, which maybe wouldn't isn't what you're supposed to do. But like his arm was broken and spun it around backwards, and so I was like, uh, I just spun it in regular like like if you see it, it's just it's just it's instinctual. Is it broke in half? And it went back. It was going like this, Yeah, he broke us humorous in half.

Which is a tough one, right, Yeah, and the femur of the arm.

That's so I just went like, here, let me get that free, buddy, and I just put it like this and then and then a lot of people focus on that as being the reason that he has nerve damage as opposed to the actual fucking arm break. They're like, I was like they were gonna fix it at any point, and then I kept at their doctors. I go, yeah, before they gotn't even thing, No one had any equipment there.

So what was his reaction after the cameras went off with He's just dude?

It's my favorite part of Tom is like, because I don't understand why other people like him, I know why I like him. It's like like you ever take your wife out to a party and they're like, I love your wife, and you're like you don't even know her, right yeah, and then and then we're going, right, yeah, we're going It is. The thing I love about Sugura is when when he's definitely not trying to be funny

This is why are you organizing this?

Because because his wife's not the person that's gonna be doing this. His wife. His wife, you know what his wife. I'm like, oh, listen, we all know where we stand in our relationships. Yeah, Christina, when when Tom fell, I said, what are you doing right now? She goes, I'm I'm freaking out. I just made some muffins and I opened a bottle of wine. I'll be there in five. I was getting the car. Christina's not said for this, we're gonna go do this. So that night, Leanne's like, you

And he goes, uh, is he on jokes at all? Not at all?

And he goes, no, he might be, might be. He goes, uh, what do you guys do for a living? And I go, we're comedians. I mean I'm just I'm not hurt at all, right, And he goes, oh, I go, Tom, whn't you tell him a joke?

Those are my favorites, Like I know that, I know that.

Tom goes, I know what people like about Burt. But the thing I showed Tom like, uh, this is this is this is my this is what Tom must like about me. I guess. So we get stem cells right, right, so they and my elbow. Tom organizes it and I'm melting down. I'm melting down. I don't want to do it. I mean panic attacks about it.

You have to get the it was Tommy John surgery.

No, no, I'm just doing my movie. And I blew out my tendons of my tricep and ripped my tricep.

Well you're going hard like that.

They said, you want to do your own stunt. So I was like, oh, so fucking down a flight of stairs, I fucking do it all right. Well, I also fucking went a little too hard, blew out atairs doing well, no fucking falling in the forest and uh so, and so I fuck up my elbow. My triceparate tracks like seven centimeters or whatever. They have to pull it back down attach it. And I've been having a hard time rehabit it. And Tom goes, we're gonna get stem cells. So we go to stem cells. I'm a pain in

You're five, buddy, just breathing work cells work, I think.

So, I mean, I don't know where do you get down in l a ebo, But I like, I don't think stem cells a placebo thing, the.

Thing like this. If I did it before, I would feel it in my tricep. Sure, I don't feel it. It feels regular now. And like I went in that day, the next that next week, a full week later, we were at Penn State and we had access to their facilities and we were benching and I was doing one thirty five, one thirty five. We were doing it in three thirty five. It was doing three thirty five rod before. By the right before I went to Serbia, I was

You're cranking them out, cranking them out, boom. Yeah, it's not placebo.

Placebo's like the fucking those those little little ristwere with a little bracelets where you're in the mall and they're like, hey, let me push around. You kind of get tossed around. They're like, hey, put this on. Then you goes off.

Yeah, yeah, you're like baseball players. They always wearing the necklaces and stuff like that. Yeah, and they wear players you remember, like in the I guess the two thousands, Yeah, the two thousand, they would have like seventeen bracelets and ship on and necklaces.

But bootball players, baseball players are the most superstitius.

Out of all those got without a die. I agree with that, harmless.

I remember I remember them teaching a superstition playing baseball.

They would be like, uh, they would be like, true, though, that's first thing you do when you get in the batter's box, hitting coach, clean out that batter box, no foot no one's footsteps are in there. Yeah, And I remember thinking that does that help? And but then of course you'll see a lot of dudes do it. You go into the batter's box, you clean, You go in and clean everyone's footsteps out so that you got a brand news batter of box for you and what else?

I had prayers, I had to say I was a mouth guard and baseball, and mouth.

Guard and baseball because I was like, I was like, dude, I was a fucking and then and then towards the end, I like there was a solid chunk where I got the yips and I could not. I could not throw the ball to from third to first really like legit could not. It's fucking horrible.

The hardest part of the superstition is creating your superstition, because you know, when you get into baseball, you're like, Okay, I really like the way Luiskin's Alls kicks his leg out. I'm gonna try that, and you do it. Then you see Chipper Jones like throwing the bat like up and down. You're like, I'm gonna do that.

Yeah, but then you but then you strike out. You're like, I gotta go back to Luis. I can't do that.

And then you start playing head gives yourself and you're now you have like fifteen different things you gotta do it.

Really, I didn't realize I was going crazy.

I was.

I had o CD. I still have OCD. I have superstisions in real life, like like I went the day I go I was just telling you I got a full blood panel. I'm a cardiologist. That morning, I fucking I did my superstitions. My superstitions number one I had. I washed my entire body right head to toe, in between my toes.

Everything clean, everything, hang on, hang on in between your toes, between my toes, like.

You just like I go. I I wash my whole bottom, shampoo, I face my beard, leave it in. Yeah. Then soap and wash my whole body. Soap all over my whole body. I need soap everywhere. Uh wash my like an ice skater.

Washed my feet like moving the shower head, trying not to get any water on you too, like yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

I star our head off to the side.

You say, full SuDS, full sud, full sun.

Get down, squat down into a prayer, and my prayer is like, uh, it's been roughly, it's been better at times.

That was just all look like I just sit on the bench and show the bench like kind of like bobbing up and down.

Lett if I'm working hung over.

I'm I'm moving around us in the squad like motherfucker, and then on the ground.

And then I throw This is fucking gonna sound insane. I throw circles, three circles, around everyone I love.

I throw circles around myself.

Wait wait, wait, and then if I take the pictures, you go buy pictures and just do this the circles three, Well, do it.

For you guys right now one two three, one three, one two three, And then.

I gotta do these guys one two three, one two.

Three like the people I don't care a lot about your three and then almost one two three, and then I land on me one two three, and then I nailed in the center of my head. I started like a fucking Luna. And the people I don't love, I give them quick ones. I'll go like three, but then the people I care about I go one to like I make sure really yeah, and then and so then I do my rituals and then and then if it gets back because it was bad for this. This is

It time out, time out my sun. Five miles, full running.

Full running.

You never stopped.

I walk.

I stopped to pick up rocks because because I was looking for rocks that looked red like a clean liver, and I was looking for clear rock. If I find a penny. When I did Hey Big Boy, you want to know, this is when it was a Big Boy my special on Netflix.

It's all going faster.

I have, I have.

I know this is like unraveling a crazy person. So when I do uh, when I if I find a penny, I know it's it's look at If I see a penny, I'm like, it's good luck. We're gonna have a good esn't no matter. If I see a penny, I'm like, And so I did Hey Big Boy. My first I did four shows the first night, one show killed it. I had mustard on my fucking pants, kids, who fucking who? I ate a hot dog in between shows and there's

I'm like, you got you're watching huh Grab the any.

Murder, Hey Big Boy Murder? It Two destructive fucking shows in Cleveland, and then you want to talk about luck. It airs March seventeenth. Stay at Home Orders kick in March thirteenth. Everyone in America is in their house the day Hey Big Boy shows up on Netflix. It's like the fucking number three special they've ever had because no one everyone was at home.

Everyone sucrews is. The next week he's number two.

Like it's literally like the biggest And so I was like that fucking penny man got a bit good thing. I watched my whole body that day and praise squatted and praise quantite circles around three.

Three, what's that prayer?

Like?

How long is that prayer? You don't got to know?

No prayer. No, it's you do a little pane when I do West squad.

Is I go uh?

I said, uh, yes or no? And so I'll go uh. I'll say, hey, hey, God, are we gonna good day? And here, yeah, I go, it's my liver panel gonna turn it out. And he's right, and he goes, you're fine, And I went for real, but let it go quick, and I go for real and he goes, you're fine, and I went no.

He says that back to you, is you're also playing God in your strength?

Of course I'm playing God.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Another guy is God, Jesus Christ? Another guy?

My wife's funny. My wife, My wife will see it. She'll come in and like and if like especially I do it all the time when I fly. I do it every time when I fly. And then if something BIG's happening, I do it. Those are when my rituals come in. My wife will see it and she knows, she knows me well enough, and you'll just hear her giggling in the side. I'm just sitting in a shower and just doing getting through my and then she'll just go, are we all good? I was like, she goes, you

I love this that one.

You got hold Hold we got a backpedal. We just had twelve minutes. I gotta I gott ask a couple of questions. Yeah, when Sir Gura gets on in this taxi and I guy, you tell him to tell him a joke.

Yeah, it's a gro tell a joke. You're all the way back. Ye. No he didn't joke.

No he did not. Okay, I said, uh, he's And then the best was every time someone came in, they go, how did this happen? And I just go basketball. We were playing basketball, and everyone will go, look at time ago, you played basketball and it was my favorite and you know you shouldn't be playing basketball, and time goes, yeah, I know. Right before we played he said to me.

The same thing, he's playing slam ball some third graders, Hey, dunking on them, hostry, letting them know, letting them know, fuck.

You said it blew out in the air. He said, I throw a bowling body in the air. I think that's impossible. I'na be so serious.

I really think blowing your patella out and the air like it just took a second, yeah.

Yeah, and then it's just about to pop and then just funny, you really hear the pop.

You really hear the pop. Like when I when I when I ruptured my arms, I was tackling the dude to take him down the stairs, and I grabbed him and I was the thing was is that I think my scapula was tight and that was fucking up my tricept. So I went and grabbed him like this, and as I heard pop pop up and I went, oh, I just blow up my tricep. Like I was like, oh my god, I.

Just blow my trule And they're like, what do you want to do?

And I was like, I was like, let's just finish the scene. So it's like the the last actions part of the movie, and so I was like, I looked at the director. I go, hey, man, I'm getting surgery when I get back anyway, like, let's just do it. And he was like, what do you mean. I go if I heard it a little bit more like I still got to get the surgery, so let's just fucking do it. And he was like okay, and he's like, just just fucking go and and everything you see in

Feel you're not gonna knock you out. Literally, you're not gonna do an al damage.

He literally said. He goes, you can't hurt me, so just hit me yea, And I went okay, And so I just fucking it's it's a very realistic fight scene because I just fucking punching this guy as hard as I can.

And he's ending it and.

He's yet I fucked his whole. Uh it was all cuts on his things. I have my ring on there's cuts on his thing from his side. And yeah, he came in. He came into my thing. This my arms all wrapped in ice. I'm fucking drinking with vodka. At the end of the day is Father's Day. Is Father's Day when this happened, My fucking family is having a big party. I'm like, motherfucker, I'm in Serbia. My arms fucking I know I need surgery when I get home.

What a unique experience for you to realize that there's human beings like that in the world.

You know, you got it, That's what Not enough people know that, Like when you walked in. I'm did you notice that I was looking at your body a lot, because I was like, I was like that, they don't make them like that, like they're not supposed to be.

Hey, I'll take that. It's a bay change from a week ago. He uh no, that's crazy how there's like human beings you just look at them, You're like, holy shit. But it goes the opposite way too. I was at Zanni's last night and this little dude I was there. We're in a tank topposite Gay for Democracy, and I

But it kind of goes with everyone. Everyone's bodies are just totally different.

Yeah.

Do you remember do you remember the.

First time you found out boys not all boys had the same size dicks? Remember the can that came out wrong? Do you remember the first time you went into a locker room, everyone was naked and you were like and you were like, well, hang on, we don't have the same size dicks. And you were like, I remember one dude had a hog and I knew him and it was my size and my age changed your life was like, oh, I'm not taking my pants off in here. Shout out to Jeff Hartley.

God, I remember that being like one of the biggest insecure things in high school is when you would when people started hooking up.

So numbers are real low.

Everyone's in the one, the two's, and the threes, and you hear about Hey, you hear about comp He's got a fucking massive no.

Justine, she told me. She told me that it was funny because so exaggerated, like you either got a monster or you're super little, when.

You were loose as hell or like a she's crazy literally talking with the boys like oh she was tight man.

Yeah, Like you don't really know, but you know.

One time I was in middle school on time and there was these two kids and they're like, they got their pants sagged down. I was just the same exact way, but their pants are sagged down, big long T shirts and this dude's talking about fucking. He's talking about fucking. I'm like, yeah, man, I've had sex. And he's like, really, what's the pussy do when you when you're having sex? And I'm like things that moves and like he looks me, goes,

How do you explain that?

Like what does the vagina do when you're you know, well, I remember I remember someone saying.

I remember I remember someone goes like uh, someone was like, yeah, you know when it when they have an orgasm and it starts going wow wow wow.

And I was like, I was like, they don't do that with me. You're afraid to tell him that?

Oh dude. When the rubber hit the road with me, like I've talked about sex, I was in it. I ready to have sex. Yeah, And then that first night, that night I had sex, I fucked it up so bad that it changed me for the rest of my life.

Like I was now no longer the sex guy.

I was the relationship guy.

I was like I was because I was like, man, I'm just gonna fuck I wanted to fuck so bad.

That's all. I dated this chick in ninth grade. I was like, are we gonna fuck her?

What?

And she was like I'm just a little young. And I was like, then it's over and then yeah, and then I was like, are we gonna fuck her not? And she was like, I don't mean when we just started dating? And I was like done next and I get to seventeen years old and I'm like, I am chomping at the bit. Oh, seventeen years old. Years later, three years later, dude, get a girlfriend. Fucking hottest shit. I knew shit had sex before. So I'm like, cool, right, We're good.

That's when you know you're about to have a good time. Fucking Yeahah, so uh go get in there.

We go to her friends dad's crash pad. Her dad was the fucking player. Yeah, crash pad and Carol would a little condo, Me and Jeff Hartley bring the same guy and Jeff Harley bring these two.

You know he had a hammer.

Then I know he had a hammer.

Everyone knew.

Everyone knew, and he fucked.

Did you get work? Okay? I'm all, what's going and you keep going? No, you keep going, No, you keep going, oh yeah, So we get.

A lot.

To work out. So I just finished working a little ago. I'm a little affected. Right now I'm a little effective.

So we get a Caseinnati light pet cemetery and two condoms.

Right, We're like, this is gonna go to lock in down condoms from inside the from.

Ammicico Amicco bathroom, bathroom on the quarner of on the corner of Erlik and Dale Maybury. All right, so yeah, these are real, these are real stories. So this is I love a small detailed story because then you know it's true. So, uh, we go to her house. We go to her dad's crash pad. We I watched the past cemetery and then my chicks like, hey, do you want to go into the bedroom and I'm like it's happening, yes, Eli Harley, fist bump, walk into the bedroom. Kiss, kiss, Kiss,

I thought.

She was like, she's trying to do a zombie like to pay She's.

Not getting totally ignored on a bed, totally naked, freezing her asshole. I'm wearing a jacket. She's like, So I go back out to Hartley. I'm like, and you know, I need that other condom. And he goes, you're done already. I said, it's a long story. Just give me to the condomn So he's like, all right, so we do the cool hand Guy's sake with the condom. I go back in. Now things are making sense. Pinch the reservoir tip, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, slide oh okay, yeah yeah,

Wow.

And by the way, I'm so overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm unaware of what's happened, that it's already, that it that it maybe should have been longer, just so overwhelmed by how great it felt. I'm like, and she looks at me and goes, are you gonna put it in. I look down my diss between her but cheek in the bed. I didn't even fuck her. I lost my virginity to a mattress. I didn't even need her in the room technically. And and then I'm like, okay, and

And then so then and that's when you got done that that night, Like you got up after I mean after you blew the load.

You got up, went to the bathroom, and I went to the bathroom. I have a minute.

I was like, shit, I don't even know. I was so lost in the I mean, there's parts I can tell you that you wouldn't believe that you wouldn't believe that, you wouldn't believe that are one hundred percent true, and I'm gonna not add them in the story because it's so unbelievable. I'm gonna tell you one of them. It's so unbelievable, you're gonna go that didn't happen. And I swear to you, may God strike me down with a

Oh.

I look over and it's between her legs, and I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I grab it. I'm not, I'm not. I swear to you. I swear I grab it and it's not coming. I pull a pole pull, I give it a poll. It goes so chat hits. My hand flies out of my hand, lands on the mirror across the room, and it's stuck on the mirror like those squints you throw on the wall and they crawl out slowly, and I'm.

Like, the fuck, what the fuck?

What the fuck?

I go over it off the mirror.

Walking in the bathroom, I'm like, who the fuck are you that is? I swear to God it's true, and I know it doesn't seem like it could be possible. I swear to God it's true. I was like and at that moment, I was like, I'm going to be committed to a person. If I ever did this with another person, I'm going to be ready. I'm not going

Sex with jars got in there buckets. Remember one of the best postal clarity I've ever heard of my life.

Yes, yeah, like you know, sometimes you finished jerking off, you're kind of sad at yourself, like you had a whole different lifestyle change. Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the greatest podcast that's ever happened to us in our entire lives for another extremely amazing ad read.

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I remember people will be like, man, I remember for someone saying, you know, if I'm gonna have sex because I come fast, and I was like, I come passed and say that. I was like, I come fast, and they're like, well, you gotta do is jerk off before you have sex with there. And I was like we were just talking about n in Feidelberg. Yeah, And so freshman year, meet the girl day, we hang out or you know, for like a week, we're like getting along pretty good. Go to my room and it's gonna happen.

That's hilarious.

I think that's the key too, is we were talking about with the Final Burg in KFC, because Fights and I were saying, uh, if we jerk off before we go hang out, the chick like once, once you get that post out clarity, you don't even go. You don't want to go out anymore. You're like, I'll lay up and watch Netflix all night. Versus is like going out. Yeah, you trap yourself in the you lock the gates, you go to the house, you're like, give me a minute, you go and spank one off.

Yeah.

When you come back ready to go, and you kind of give yourself no chance, you're back to get You're back against the wall.

Well, I mean clear, I think the thing you're supposed to do in that situation is get as least horny.

As possible and make it about business.

When you jerk off, like you're just kind of like, let me just get this excretion, this stuff out of.

Me, poison out of it.

Yeah, get out of here.

You what that is?

Yeah, poison, Because if you go and you're like surfing the web, all of a sudden you're finding that one per you know, hey, surf all the videos.

Is that when you go to the next video, this is it wasn't good enough in that moment.

So if you go find somebody else's back three videos and you're like, I think that wasn't.

An hour passes and you finish and you're like, well that was a full day. You know what I'm saying, You can't you can't do that.

Wish that word for pedophiles, if you're like, just go jerk off and then maybe you don't kidnap a kid.

I wonder, wonder if that's the thing. It's just being there to hand.

But I mean like, because I know for a factor, if I fly home, I'll fly home. I don't know when i'll fly home. I may sometime, I may. When I go home, I need to fuck my I need to plant my seed the second I get home. I need you to connect with my wife or will fight. However, uh, pre jerk off. Bert is a lot more attentive of as a husband. So what I do, what I found I do is I go in horny because then I'm like, I'm like, I want to fox. So I'm like, how do I help herun the house and tell me about

I look at it in the sauna. I'm like, damn it kind of sad. Yeah, I remember you want to talk about dangerous. I was in Miami and this is Liam was pregnant with I Love. Yeah, I was in I was in Miami and I was and I was at the hotel and I went in to the sauna and and Liam was my wife. Liamne was flying in that day. And this chick comes in in panties, no.

Top and shelltop Adidas in the sauna, right shelltop Adidas and she just comes in and she's hot, kind of hot, sits down and she goes, uh, you wanna fuck? And I go no. She was like, she was like we can, and I was like okay. I was like, my wife's pregnant and she was like I don't care, and I was like okay. And I just sat there and I was like, I think I have leave now, and I was like I remember thinking like and then I told

Like that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes more sense the hell that uh what if anybody who walks into walks into a sauna.

But it's it's your dream always when you go to a sauna, is that some hot chick's gonna come in and be like, hey, you know, music playing, And then that's the fantasy. But then when it shows up, it's never the thing. You're gonna be shark attacks. You think they're gonna bite, bite on the side and be holding his head. No, no, but it's just something to go out.

What the fuck was that?

You know?

Yeah?

Not that I you know yeah, I mean, you've been bit by a shark.

I know I got bumped by a shark once. I've been lying. I swear to God, you ship yourself. I was in we were at Neosmurner Beach. We were big, we were used to surf back when I was a kid, and I was with my buddy we Cho and I was You could noose Murner. You could pretty much walk out to the waves and then you'd paddle out past the break. But it's pretty shallow for a long way. And some hit my leg boom hard as fuck. I ran out of the water. I ran and out of

You saw when you're in the water.

Some when I was in the water just on the outside, and then it started coming in. I mainly hopped in the cage. I hopped out. This fucking awesome Mexican lady was making burgers. One of the best burgers I've ever had in my life. By the way, really I murdered that fucking burger watching this great white swim around. But I've swim I have since swam with them in South Africa. I've swim on north Shore. I've swim four or five times with the north Shore down at Holly Evil. They

What's that?

What's that experience like when you bring your daughters with you?

To do that.

Do you worry for them?

Is there like a weird thing that you feel?

No, no, because I know it's safe and and it's and it's really fun. It's uh I I let I I. I would say it's like going to church and getting it. Like I'm not a religious person, although I have like you know, things about yeah, but like like a real religious person who goes to church and then they feel it, then they walk out and they feel you know, the

We did it out in Bali.

I think Bali.

I think, oh my god, man, all that blue that would terrify the ship out of it.

I know it doesn't because you have a child, right, yes, we gold. Okay, So there's this really cool thing that happens when you're a dad. You're no longer scared for your own good you know, I know that if something happens I just know my position is I would give up my life for those kids. And it's crazy how

It's just me and my girls, just you in this case, and you're the cage is slowly no no, no, no, no ye.

Bali, it was just us. It was no cage. They drop you off here on this side of the island and the current's going to take you down, and the boat just shows up there. You're in open ocean and yeah that sounds little sharks swim by, and but it's crazy. As a dad, I'm not concerned because I know sharks aren't technically as dangerous as everyone thinks. But I just

Yeah, I've done everything, bro. Yeah, I've never had much. I've never I've swam in the ocean. I've gone surfing. Yeah, and there's been a couple of instances where its like was there a shark there? But never a little spooky well yeah, because there was a couple of times where like me and my buddy were surfing and they're a bunch of dolphins showed up and they were kind of like sticking around us and one leave us alone type

Cool.

Yeah, but that's kind of like a I guess a known thing that like something a predators around and the dolphins are actually protecting you.

Yeah.

So once they started doing that, and like we caught on. He knew way faster than I because I'm like, oh shit, dolphins and he's like he's like, hey, that's awesome, man, we should probably cruise in like it's getting a little late. Yeah, four o'clock, you know, And we got ays like, yeah, dolphins do that when there's a predator around.

Man.

In a while in bor Bor we swim with the black tip sharks. Yeah, little guys right, yeah, which is crazy.

There's like hundreds of them around you. One that would like come right for your face and then like veer off, but you know, quick little yeah, yeah, but a little creepy. But it was fun of ship. And then those things what are the things called that killed Steve Irwin, miss rays bro that those were That's what had me a little on it.

Really, We're swimming with them and there's Steve Verwin. Steve never happened it killed another dude?

No it didn't.

Yeah, Puerto Rican dude. It flew in the air and just stabbed him in the heart.

Is that real?

Is the boat? Google it?

It was in a boat and it just flew out of the wall air in the boat stabbed him in the heart and left.

Yeah, And the dude was telling us that, oh, they didn't have their like stingers cut off or nothing. They're big, bro, and they're swimming on top of you. And I was just like, you know, like you're kind of like a statue. As it gets on, You're like, come on, we'll do it. I'm like, huh, well, that's the thing. But all animals, you can't tell them to go fifty.

There gonna do their thing.

So like when we did whenever we did anything dangerous, you could always tell someone, hey, man, let's take a slow the first couple of times and then get everyone comfortable. But animals go boom, boom boom. And there's certain things like I worked with tigers. You do not turn your back on a tiger. The second you turn your back on a tiger, it goes into hunting mode. Really, and it is in fucking scenes. I want to terrifying. Tigers are terrifying. I played when I played football. You can

Would you play when you played football?

Linebacker? Side linebacker? Yeah, linebacker, And oh, well, you know what happened? First game? First game in the seventh grade, I'm playing junior varsity and they put me in. I random as I just go in middle linebacker, first play interception, running back to the one yard line, and They're like, shit, we got a fucking savant. So then I played. I played. I started for the rest of up until ninth grade. And ninth grade I was like, I in Florida, you'd had to kind of focus on either baseball.

Or football, and so I was like playing JV at seventh grade.

Teventh grade? Yeah, it was was it?

Yeah, you're in Tennessee.

Really, Yeah they have there's the eighth graders playing at Lipskim playing varsity in the state championship game this past year.

Isn't that weird? Yeah? I didn't know about that either. He's like, I was playing JV seventh grade. I'm thinking you can play junior varsity. I didn't know you could even do that.

Yeah, oh that was a Berkeley Prep. It's nothing.

You were a sun, I would know I was.

I was bigger than most boys. I was very Ethnic'm still very athletic. The things people count like think about me. They see me and they go, oh yeah, right. It's like Rogan. I told him I could run a marathon with no training at all, and he was like bullshit, And I did it. I just went out party the ninth be four, went out, ran a marathon five hours and thirty three minutes, finished it, and everyone's like, shut

I think that shit is sick. You like that ship and people over the edge. I think it's awesome. So the first play, hip pause, hit pause, hit pause, hit pause. This is not the first play. The first play, I realized my offensive line is not gonna block. You'll see this and realize I realize I'm the paper Tiger, you know, George Clinton or whatever. So I'm also fairly athletic. I'm also fairly competitive. So I take I drop back, I take a step, and I run it up the center

He goes, the fuck did I just see a fucking comedian just blew your doors off and ran for a touchdown? You motherfuckers. There's a reason you don't start. Do you understand me. There's a reason you're not playing in the NFL. This motherfucker better leave on a fucking stretch. Sure if you want your job. And I'm like, oh, I think I sucked up, go ahead and play, and then this is and then all of a sudden, it's just it's I.

This.

Oh yeah, okay, wait wait, wait here we go. This is the one you need to see. The blind side sack, keep going, keep going.

The path. Okay, there you go there, you go right here. This one's rough.

Oh fuck man, right there, completely concussed, dude.

It's crazy seeing how young you are here.

I know my voice is really high too. I broke my hand, did you really?

Yeah?

Would you break in your hand? I have no idea, and you're just doing this for like making a show ten grand No, No, it's not an episode.

An episode, yeah, grand an episode did six episodes. I was a dominatrix, gamp, I was a I was an MMA fighter for a day. I fought four graces at once. Do they choked me out? You've ever been choked out? Once?

Terrifying you're going to sleep is kind of scary, but then you're just sleep.

Yeah, yeah, because you're fighting it. You're going no, no, no, And then you just wake up and you're like, what's that We're happen everybody? And they're like okay, yeah, okay, they're saying like Portuguese things, and you're like, huh huh huh, yeah, this is me fighting the gracies. Horion has the big school out and it's so funny. I don't want to take How.

Old are you there?

Twenty nine?

How old are you now?

Forty nine?

Here we go yet again.

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Almost fifty almost been in the game a while, bro.

Yeah, yeah, well it's you know, I think I It's the thing that's lucky about comedy is that I got I had some success when I was younger. I'd kind of a bunch of development deals. I got a TV show, I got a couple of TV shows, But as far as stand up goes, I was always behind all my friends like Sugura, Burr all my friends were all ahead of me, and I was doing television and I thought

Is this a bird cast?

Yeah? Bird cast? And I remember talking to Tom and he was like, doing Oddball and this is like you want to talk about We realized where you are in the pecking order. I was getting paid two thousand dollars a week for Oddball my offer, and Tom was getting twenty thousand his show. And I was like, and he goes, he said, masking a lot of money. You're missing out if you're not doing this. And I said, all the money is not that good. So what are you talking about. We're on the phone my best friend.

And I said, uh, oh, if you guys know each other at this point, oh.

Fifteen years, I know each other for a long time. And he says, I mean he knows my child, he knows all my children from the day they were born. He knows you know, he knows he knows me. And I said, it's not that it's too grand and he went what And I said, wait, what are you getting paid? And he goes, I don't want to tell you. And I go why, and he goes, it's going to fuck up our friendship. And I went, hold on, what are

Right and I and and Man God Bless Burr, Rogan Sogura are the three guys.

I got to give credit to. They just everyone was like on my team, you know, like the team to have. It's a really great team, a really great fucking team to have. And uh and you know, Joe's like, I had a special coming out. Joe goes, hey, man, we're pimping it out. We did the End of the World podcast, Yeah, Joe, And it was four comics on stage, Me, Burr, Stand, Hope, and Joe. Joe's like, these are the guys, and I'm like, okay, it's a good list to be in. By the way,

I loved it.

And then he hit me up. He was like, hey, man, you want to do my podcast. I was like, you don't know what you're about to get. I was like a fucking I literally was like I went in and I was like, I was like, are you getting I walked in and I was I remember being like I was such a fan of his and you never meet Joe this way, but I was like, first off, I gotta meet your dog. I want to see your deprivation tank, I want to get high, I want to play pool. Then we can do the podcast. And he was like okay.

Tell that on stage.

He said when he is on STAE this weekend in Columbus, he is not to be referred to his birdies be referred to as the machine from this point. Moving on, his new name is the Machine, and you chant it in the room until he tells that story. And I went to Columbus that week and I got on stage and they're like, oh, Machine, and I was like, hey, guys, I know what Joe said. I'm not gonna tell it. And they're like, bo I couldn't get through a joke.

Yeah, this guy in the front row goes, hey, man, we understand it's not gonna be good.

We're gonna fake laugh, right, guys. And everyone's like yeah, yeah, Bert, don't worry, we'll fake laugh. And I was like, what fucking excellent is that? And they're like, you gotta do You gotta tell it for it to get good. Bert, So tell it, man, you gotta tell it for its good. Like they knew comedy. So I was like, okay, So I told it. It's probably twenty minutes long, and they were like, all right, you did it.

Good job.

Now you can do the rest of your act said that it was so this is when we were called des Squad, and so there was Desquad Ohio, these group of guys that were like fucking rider dies. This is back podcasting used to be. It's still really cool, but it used to be so niche that I would go to Scotland and I would hit up on Twitter. I go, hey, any Rogan fans want to meet me up for a beer? And twelve dudes to show up, no pictures, no nothing.

And they'd be like, have you listened to Dan Carlin? And I'm like, no, what the fuck's that? Or have you listened to fucking Ben Greenfield?

Have you listened to? Like there's so it was like a cool community. It's gotten so big. Now it's like, you know, it's gotten so big. It's cool. I'm happy for everyone.

But all those things that you're in the beginning, so now it's like too saturated where you're you kind of had this vibe like, oh I saw it first.

Yeah, I'm cool with you guys. What's cool with KFC Radio? What's cool with that? Like Big Cat those guys. Is that it's it's all kind of new to me a little bit. So when you do see like a bar, like my dad's now a huge barstool fan, which is like so bizarre. And he hit me up. He was like, hey, man, can you hook me up with some of their gear? And I was like huh. He's like, you know the guy Dave Portnoy, can you see if you can send some some the golf stuff to me? I was like,

What's the material.

So your boys, hey, I'll get you whatever you want. And they actually send you whatever they want. You're like, damn, he kind of grasp and everything. It's like a double standard in a weird way. Did you find busting through barsool?

Uh?

No?

I found no because you guys sent me a hat and I tagged Portnoy in the hat and my girls. And then then you guys reached out and you're like, wrong guy, And I went, wait what? And then I said, and there's something I always liked about athlete uh entertainment. And I say that like you guys in McAfee, like a j Hawk Aaron Rodgers, Like there's something very uh

I don't know if i'd like you, Like, yeah, I feel you.

I want a dude. It's like yeah, man, pussy swells, you know, like.

You know, weird when you see like athletes, like even for us, I don't know if you feel this way will, But like when I see Aaron Rodgers on Bat Macafe show, I'm like, fuck, that's Aaron Rodgers just being a normal guy with the boys.

Oh it's kind of like cool. He came to our tour bus. Oh really, homie, this is good.

This is a good story. This is really good.

I'm happy I un locked this.

I want to go back to the bus with the boys, because it's rad that you like like us, like it gets red because you did the thing with KFC. That's what that's the show you guys did together yesterday. Yeah yeah, and you were like, he will some of you like stoked to come on. I'm like, how fucking cool is that?

Oh?

Fuck?

Yeah, Well dude, when I saw one time I made it, people think like we're celebrities. But then we look at celebrities like, oh, that'd be sick to have Kreshner on the podcast.

No.

No, Now we're sitting here on the podcast like, hey, fucking made it. Athletes want to be entertainers, and entertainers want to.

But there's something about the fact that you guys do this that makes you go. You guys are the guys in the locker room that get it, you know? Does that make sense? Like like when when I first met Pat McAfee, I was like, someone's like, you gotta meet Pat McAfee. I can't even remember the first time I met him and I but I was like, the way he talked, I went, I think I get along with this guy. I think I was playing it when he met him, or was he was? He out of the

Months ago.

It was I'll tell you exactly what it was. It was one week before he got COVID and.

So woor does the kids you think out of Little Rogan?

It was, it was it was right before you got COVID, Aaron Rodger, COVID, I was, I was. It was literally it was fourteen days before. So we couldn't have given to him.

But trust me when I say, aj Hawk texted me, he goes, if you give this motherfucker COVID, all of Green Bay will hate you for the rest of life.

Yeah. So so we text.

I realized I'm doing an arena in Green Bay and I'm unaware of it. And what happens with arenas is you'll sell ten thousand tickets and then they'll just push the stage back and add two thousand more seats. So not to get two. Inside baseball, the way money works is once you sell past ninety percent, you get a huge portion of the door, and if you're in an arena, that huge portion could be hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I think, yeah, he played in Michigan, right, I think it's the third I think, yeah, I.

See John running and a bunch of the offensive line dudes or any John running because I met him after this. So he him and a bunch of his offensive limen are in the van and the going ready to go

So yeah, So I like get out of and take the schedule.

I got out of bed and I'm like, hey, guys, I think Aaron Rodgers is coming by, and they're like, no way, sure enough, man, fucking knock on the window. The shades up. It's Aaron Rodgers. He's like, open up.

And I was like, hang on, was this is this like one of the you gotta be fully setted up and do a prayer in the shower type of moment.

No, no, no, no, no, no no no, that's only just health stuff in my career. Fucking Aaron Rodgers let a ride.

Yeah, yeah, he had to let a ride.

Fucking excuesus. I say prayer for me later but he comes in. He has a jersey. He's like, hey man, is it fresh out of the shower, smells amazing, looks great. Everything you want out of him? Yeah, big fucking hands, sits down, sucking everything, I mean, great, broad shoulders, everything, not shaving. They got the count of reeves look on him. Yeah yeah, and he goes uh. He's like, hey man, you know, thanks for doing this. A bunch of my guys coming to show and we're like cool, and we're like,

Now it's no longer a DM. I don't know how cool this is time right now? No, I texted him the other day as a reply.

You know. The cool part is is when you go to my book, the very first number this two a's and his name is Aaron Rodgers. I love it.

Yeah, And so imagine being that famous or some of the on their phone about how cool is that?

I got some good ones? I got some good ones in here.

This is I'll tell you the most famous person in that phone is I'll.

Tell you what. I you know what, there's something fucking wrong with my fucking thing. Is the most famous person on the phone. Uh, it's probably got to be Joe No. Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

Joe. Abo's kind of a boring one.

A boring one. Yeah, I got all though.

Wild how insanely famous he is.

It's bizarre to me because I don't know him to be.

That when you met him.

Was he he's obviously in the place he is now because it's been the last three years, have been through the roof, But when you first met him, was he even close to that?

No?

No, he would He had been kicked out of the comedy story. He wasn't allowed to perform there. Why they u He's taped Carlos Mencia stealing jokes and got on stage and you and they can to other comedy story. Wasn't He was doing spots at the ice house. He had a great house.

He had money, Fear factory guy at this point.

No, No, he had fear actively canceled. He made money.

He definitely had money, right, he had money.

He definitely had money, but he didn't have the money he had today, like meaning his money is is? Uh is it's almost like being a king, like yes, like you know, it's like we were talking about sem cells like just like like just it. He'll say things and you know, and but not he's not disconnected, but like just it's like I remember him taking flying me and Tom up first class up to it was like, hey, deanctually in the podcast, I got you guys a trip

But we go in.

We got a hotel. We land early in the morning, party all day, dinner that night, wake up the next day, full day of activities, fun fucking shit, big dinner that night, wake up the next morning. We're home Monday by three o'clock.

That sounds like good.

I told both of them. I said, I have to let my wife know right.

When I get home, sweetheart fat my wife too rabell, But hey, let you know, this might happen in October.

How am I going to go?

It won't happen day, It won't hap it in October.

Do you have that?

Can you give me like a general.

I've already booked it. Oh shit, yeah, yeah, we've already booked it, like we've already we've started the ball in motion.

Oh, you've already booked the text that you already.

I already know, I already know, I already know kind of where we're going. I'm not going to tell them South America. No, you know well.

That I don't want to know that this trip that you're thinking of is where we get the text.

Yeah, you get a text and you go, this isn't something like.

You know, I'll do it one day for you guys.

I think this is something I'll do it for one day for you guys. If you guys want to do your own one, I can do your own one. I can do your ow one for.

I'm a lot for any of them. Lost are we invited to this one?

Invited to this one?

But we don't know when it is until we get the text.

Yeah, you get a text, I'll give it to you a little further out in advance, because you guys got to get the JFK.

When's your's you two around.

Uh May May fifteenth, and then I'm K and then I'm doing Rogan JFK JFK and then I'm doing Rogan on the eighteenth.

Yeah, I know who JFK is in Dallas, And so we toured it that one time we went out.

But the way so so this is the way that Rogan's brain creeps into my brain. He would do that in a heartbeat. He would do that in a heartbeat and go and go, guys, let's just fucking bounce. Let's go somewhere. But Rogan is very private. I am not. And I know for a fact that if we all went we first of all, we'd talk about it for a week, right, it would be the funnest thing we

We bring our boys, but one of them, Oh.

Let cam Ling, I'm keviny John, bring one dude because they want to they want to film it for the podcast. We got guys, So I hope you can bring one guy. They're gonna fly coach. You guys will fly business.

Yeah, uh, ladies, joemight I know we're in we're interrupting again and it's fucking pissing everybody off.

But here's the deal.

If it's Tuesday and you're watching part one. If it's Thursday and you're watching part two right now, in between those two right here, like my noses, merch is dropping. We got hats, we got t shirts, we got everything is dropping on our website. Go to barstool dot com slash busting is that correct for the merched of barstool barstool dot here's here.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Said, don't even say word, gret put it right there right because what we pay you guys for right to do cool ship like this. I have a cool bar in my hand now that if you just click this link, it's gonna send you the merch. It's new, it's beautiful. You're gonna love it. Please enjoy the rest of the show. Whether it's you can buy us tomorrow or you could have bought this yesterday. Please enjoy the rest of the show. Love you so much, big hugs, tiny kisses.

All right, So Joe super private. You're so super private. It's a super private, and so like he likes to he loves to have fun, right, he loves to have fun. He loves to have a good time. But he's very very private. So you know, you know, you don't even really I don't bring my phone out around him because he's you know, he's one of the things.

Most like you're supposed to know when you're with him and say, he doesn't like, don't take videos in, don't look at.

Him, yah, yeah, don't look.

Him in the eyes.

Yeah, it's just like he's the most famous person. Like we we went we're all hanging out in the green room, and I told my friends that were with us, I said, just don't talk. Don't talk, because he's the most famous person in the world. And so like he like, just don't talk. You don't. He's wants to hang out comics, and I'm letting you come in and hang out with comics. We're just comics talking comic shit. We're talking bullshit, we're gossiping, we're doing all the shit comics do. Don't jump in

Tough?

I mean, all of us we started we started talking about it and shut the funk up.

And he's like what He's like, Joe, are you scared to draw race cars? Because we started two bears want racing, and he's like, what the fuck. And then you're like, I'm so sorry, and it's like it's like Tom's.

Eyes to apologize.

Yeah, that's toughly have apologize for somebody.

But uh but yeah, But so like I think, I think always of the the macro. Is that it? And so I think of the big picture?

Is that right?

That means I think of the big picture and I go first of all, First of all, life's about great experiences. I believe that I know for a fact. And this is another is a Tom thing. Tom when he's on tour, he flies out friends he grew up with, flies him out first class, brings them out on tour with him. They sit on the bus, they fly private around when he goes because he fly he flies private from gig

Yeah, Barber's are doing choppers are cool, But I say, like choppers were cool and like, uh was it Orange County Chopper?

I want a chopper like a Bobber hard.

Now there's a there's a company in Japan that does like super retro Bobber type like Matt tires in the front and they go hard.

I think it's called like something beetle. But anyway, yeah, so you want to hard, so and so one Chris one birthday. This is gonna sound so fucking stupid. Is an idea that I had that I think really does work. And I don't know why they don't have this as a business. Maybe I'll create this.

I started to go fund me for myself, yeah, saying to my family, not to my fans, to my family, Hey, I've made myself a GoFundMe instead of buying me the bullshit present, take the money and put in the go fund me so I can buy something I want. So like my mom my, sister, is my wife, everyone, I don't want them fun You're gonna give me, give me the money and then I can buy myself what I want.

They should be A birthday thing is birthday fund me? A birthday fund me?

Were like, you set up a birthday fund me and then you're and you go send it to your friends of himily and go, hey, I want to get something that I want.

If you invented that too, would take away all the fucking when you get a gift you don't want and you're like, oh.

Thanks, it would. I bet it would cut down on waste. It would how many presidents you have in your house that you go.

You're going green at this point? Yeah, outstanding, But it kind of cuts down on creativity though. That is true, you know what I mean, because there's somebody say the gifts you don't even know you want.

Yeah, you guys buy each other, bird take gifts. So we heard about what you guys do, and we we look it. I kind of want to and you should do it. You should do it and you should start it.

I should start it. Should as gifts. I've given some rad gifts to you.

Yeah, yeah, some unique ship you and like that's all I was gonna say to the creativity part, like I would think it's something, but it wouldn't be in the realm of like what Charles done for me, what you've done for me, like what people have done to where I would know, Hey, start this birthday fund me type of thing you No, no.

Yeah, can you should?

I think all friends should do it, Tom and I did because it is so much fun.

It's so much what's your map? What's your number cap?

That's what's crazy. I think it gets a little dicey when we were talking six figures.

Like you know I spent one hundred thousand on his birthday this year.

Did you?

Yeah? Is the BMW Yeah, racecar, race car, a race car, bottom, a racecar, four tires, two flame of Tardan suits, helmets of a trailer to put his car in, and then I wrapped the car.

But now the next time your birthday trailer, buy something that's a minimum the.

A ranch house in my Montana is what I've asked for, or like a ranch in Montana that's.

Going to be exponentially higher than one hundred thousand dollars, I know. But then you got a reup there.

I know that I got a ranch house, and then I know that I want to reup, like I knew when I knew when I bought him a jet ski that was my praer. He bought me a e bike. It was great, four thousand dollars, and I was like, Wow, that's a lot to spend on a friend. And then I knew if I spent fifteen grand on him, I'm at least getting thirty grand. I spent fifteen grand on him, I got seventy five grand back, So.

It's not even like a for a friend. And this has now become a selfish thing. Oh yeah, like if I get this, I know I'm gonna get that if I give him this. And so when I bought him a race car, my wife was livid, livid. Now what does your wife think about this? This is like, hey, when are you gonna spend one hundred gand on me?

It's caused a lot of fights because because my fiftieth I'm turning fifty this year. Yeah, and Tom said, I'm gonna blow it out of the water for your fiftieth and my wife's like, hold on, I'm his wife, Like, let why don't we do it as a team. And I was like, stop, you're ruining it. Let Tom do it. And then you get me a shirt or a wallet or whatever the fuck, yeah, glasses, whatever the fuck you were gonna get me.

Remember the watch? Yeah, that was tough.

We had a situation like that that happened at Will's wedding. Do you want to tell a story on the podcast?

Yeah?

Okay, yeah, So for Will's wedding and for a long time, like I've had watches or whatever, and roll exes were like kind of like the main thing, like when you get in the NFL, you funding money, like what do you look?

Me to the jeweler and he I get to watch him buy everything he wants for himself, and I just kind of sit there.

I don't you want to go with me away? I'm drafting.

I don't.

I don't buy the most Outlanders ship by any means, but I had I do have a few watches and Will was getting me read and I was like, man, what should I get Will?

And some of it was a lack of imagination.

The other one was like I knew he Will has always wanted like a watch because we were with our buddy Mike camp and Arrow and he got a watch and he was feeling it. And then you know, I bought a watch around him and he was kind of feeling it too. So I was like, I'm gonna get.

Will a watch.

Will cut it was.

It rolls like uh.

A day day Alwayster perfessional day day was stainless steel. It's a beautiful watch. It's it's a beautiful watch. It's it's it's really nice. Anyway, I get this watch thirty five hundred geake that idea, this watch game that was outstanding.

That was really good. Those watches you can go like white gold.

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, I tell you.

Like that, Oh you're watch. There's nothing like white gold. But I tell people it's about seventy grand I love that. By the way, by the way, on the get away with.

This is literally the watch I think might have a different face, that literally might be it. So I get this watch and I'm like so stoked to give it to Will, fired up about it, and we cruise over to Montana. We get off the highway right on the to the hotel and we have like the friends and family Friday night thing right before they get married on Saturday. I'm like, I ask my wife and Mike Talan, do you think I should give this to to Will as a time And she's like yeah, like right now, it's perfect.

That way he can wear it feel good about it. He's feeling himself done the thing. So I call Will up and.

It's like the way this where we're staying at It's like this beautiful black backdrop. There's like two layers, two layers of this like hotel and we're on this this top floor and Will is like kind of over to the left and the bottofloor. So he walks up and like, hey, I didn't really wrap it, but this is like your winning gift and I wanted you to have it so you can wear it right now, opens it up, lights his fucking's a sparkle in his eye.

He's excited. You might see a little bit of a wealth of a tip. Gives me a big fucking hug, loves the sat night and give him a bake hug. I'm stoked.

I'm like, man, I'm a great you know when you do a great friend thing and You're like just filled. I'm like, God, I'm a great fucking friend. It was a great moment for us because it was a huge moment for us. Huge moment from.

The bachelor party.

Yeah, I missed the Bachelor early and so I dipped on his bachelor party. Was I was on a bad friend's streak.

I really was.

And so Will goes down to show his wife and I'll go, I'll let you take the rest of this part.

So I have this watch on and I'm like, I'm fired up. Dayl and I we have a moment. We hug and I'm like, oh, I appreciate that, bro, And he's like, it's your first Rolex. I'm like, fuck, yeah it is.

I'm like, let's fucking go because I'll never like give myself a roll.

But we did it, I know, like we like getting married at the long Game and got me a roll leg.

And so I go downstairs and Charles getting ready for our what's the dinner before reception or whatever.

She's getting dressed up and stuff, and I go, Babe, I go, hey, check this out. Look what Taylor got me.

And she looks down at it, and Bro, she looks down at that watch and She's like, is that a Rolex? And I was like, yeah, and that's fucking awesome. And she starts getting welted in her eyes, just make up on herself, and she was hey, but you go you babe's wrong and they go, Babe, what's wrong. She's like she looked up at me with tears, and I just she goes, I got you a fucking Rolex. Of course he would get you a Roleg like I wanted to get your first rolls. Of course Taylor would get a Rolex.

Before I get a Rolex.

Love.

This goes more than anything.

A better one, your work, your work, Yeah yeah, and he got you a way better one than me.

And then storms off and I'm like, baby, we don't even know what you just looks like like you know, you know, I like goldmore and silver, like he just got me a silver one, and like I.

Don't kind of following her around like a puppy.

I'm feeling shitty, but at the same time, I'm like, man, I'm just catching straight bullets.

And I'm like, let's see, she gives me this vintage Rolex. Fucking awesome, boyer.

It is fire like a smaller one leather band brown like it was amazing and Charlie for her, you know, she doesn't have the bank account like Taylor, but she's like, I just worked extremely.

You know a bank count. Well, come on, man, so we got to put all the facts out there.

She's like, she worked extremely hard to like find this rolex and do all this stuff to give me my first rolex. And she's like, I wanted to see the look on your face when you had your first roll. And I tell you, it looks a beautiful look.

Like I'm wanting to would you like a screensaver, Like I wish I could look at it right now.

I can see Will's eyes glistening, Dude, I could see the tears going down his face.

It was great and there, dude.

And I'm trying to tell her, like how awesome hers is, but you just feel like you're overcompensating now and it's just all fucked out. We're about to go to the recession speeches are gonna happen, and she just cries. She put on her makeup.

So I'm getting ready.

I'm wanting to text Tailor like I'm like, She's like she was texting. I'm like, you know, I'm kind of like leaning like, hey, what are you saying? Because I'm just thinking, like, fuck is she so like just like mad said, like everything she's she's all the bad ones. She's all the bad and like like hey boy, hey, code fucking Red, it's coming, It's coming.

Yeah.

I'm sitting there on cloud goddamn nine. Dude, I'm loading like Anchorman and Will Ferrell and mcgirl after they go to Pleasure Town. I'm just feeling myself, dude. And I have a thing about weddings like I love being the center of attention. I love like going into a room making people laugh, having a good time, like let's talk, and kind of being like loud. But when I go to weddings, to me, it's the exact opposite, like this

I stay in the background, right, stay in the background and enjoy it. He did in the background. He went viral on a video at the wedding. Well you said you should do it, but it was a nice little thing.

And I'm sitting there, I'm like just kind of smiling myself, kind of like looking out the window, at the backdrop, I'm like, it's a great friend. And I get I get up, which is like my text noise, like a little clown noise, and I fucking open it up, and that thing could have from here to the floor, could have all the Charles words.

That's me.

That's me at Will's wedding.

Are you serious?

Yeah?

Passed out. I don't even know how I got. Yeah, like.

Charles, charl hits me with all the things, all of her emotions, and to like for her, it was it was I understand why she was upset, and she handled herself well because I know what she wanted to say.

It was go fund yourself.

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

But instead she said that in six thousand words and it was nice enough but also got the point across.

And so I'm go from feeling amazing to feel like a fucking piece of because I couldn't see it. Yeah, it was long.

And I go there and I see her and she's charl has this look in her eyes when she's frustrated with you. I've gone it so many times and it's like, I Taylor, it's like a fucking sweaty Taylor. I'm like, hey, and I go so I say, hey, I know this is not the time to talk about it, but I just want to say I'm so sorry, and that you're beautiful today.

You really look so amazing. I'm gonna go lay down the river, I go. I'm gonna go over here, now the river over there. I'll right back. It was so bad, the only like sweaty again once.

That's a great that's a great story, beginning, middle to end. Great story.

I love that, bro There was.

So much history with that's not like so much, but well there was Christmas.

There's a Christmas time where she got me like a Gucci necklace and it was like silver and Taylor it got me. I it broke and I lost it or something, right, I don't know, yeah, something like this and the next Christmas. So kind of one up, sir, and I wear the gold one all I know too.

I've never seen Will where the rollocks I got him. Ever, I have not seen it. I haven't seen it on you all the time. And it looks great. It does. It looks great.

But in my defense, it's because I got the gold. Like I don't like doing the silver ring.

But you're not trying to park me.

I don't worried about it, like you don't know where the water why you're trying to park charge?

I get it. No, no, there's there's none of that going on pack right in front of me.

It just goes with a lot more of my fists. Now I will flex with the big dog here soon. But to me, I need to get a silver I need to get something the matress it with the rings like I got Yeah, there you go. I got the the gold necklace gold ring. So it just goes better with like the fits usually that's so funny. Yeah, she gets me this guccy necklace and it's got a wolf on the and I love wolf. I love wolves, the concept all the ship that I do about being fucking wolf.

So.

I would mainly where the gold one, and she knew she got it, but would also like kind of jab me, like, ah, I see you don't. You're not really wearing my the wolf necklace I got you And oh baby, you know I just haven't switched it, like I gotta take it off that one hits me in the mouth like I'm playing football, and I just it gets caught my beard too, and that fucking hurts. And uh So then when the watch thing happened, I was just thinking, fuck man, Taylor's trying to be super nice and my.

Man, FU you fuck that one up?

Hands dude, I mean, you didn't fu up.

And I'm sitting there like I'm I'm at the reception trying to tell a couple of my boys about it, and I do, what the fuck are you wanting about?

You got two Rolexes? Like ye, I think, I tell like tap dude, I feel well speaking up. And I saw time Piece over.

There too, So we were on we were in Vegas and uh and I go to this rolex store.

You what's that? He said, Man, you got two reallexes? Why you bitch?

And I was like, I guess, I don't know, man, I just feel terrible that my wife is so sad.

So I was in Vegas and they I wanted to get a Rolex on this tour to kind of like commemorate the like, to have it for the tour. So they go, oh, this is the watch I got when I was doing that tour. So I'm in Vegas and I go to this roll x store and they don't have any product. They're like, no, we got nothing, and I was like okay, and then she's like, what are you doing.

So weird that rolls does that? They have one in Green Hills. It's the same thing. You walk in there and they're like, yeah, it's on display, but we don't have it. Yeah, it's very odd. So I go, I go okay, I go, well, all right. Well then I'm leaving and she's like, what are you doing here? Said, I'm doing the Virgin Hotel. She was what, I'm a comedian. She was, you know, Dave, I said to tell she was Chappelle and I said, well, now I kind of.

I go.

My buddies are all friends with him. Turns out this is the store I guess Dave gets all his Rollxes from. And she knows Jeff Ross and Rogan and they've all been to this store. So she goes, okay, all right. She goes bringing out the sub Mariner Black sub Mariner, and she goes, this is to watch you want and I went, I thought you didn't have any products. She goes, I got you. She brings it out and I'm like. I was like, oh wow, I like that watch. She goes, this is the one you want. You can buy it,

And I was like, oh.

My business managers like you can. You don't really afford it. My dad's like beautiful. And then Tom sends me a text. He goes, hey, man, treat yourself. You never treat yourself. You're the hardest working guy in comedy that I know. He's like, you're out every fucking week. You're flying to Austin to do Two Bears, You're doing a movie, you're doing a TV. He goes, you literally deserve this watch, he said. Think of what your ticket sales are, think of where you're at in your career. You more than

I don't.

He first of one, he makes a tremendous amount of money, but he doesn't have a problem spending money. Like he doesn't have a problem really, but like he told a very touching story about his dad. His dad recently passed and his dad wanted wanted an SUV like suv, but he knew his dad's finances and he was gonna buy a used one, and Tom went found out which twenty wanted, reached out to the dealership, bought him the brand new one, and then said when he gets there, facetimed me in

So I.

But when any purchase I make, any car I make, I always texted to Tommy, I'm like, what do you think And he's like, you should get it.

Really yeah, yeah, he says humul like, hey, probably a slayer role on that one.

No, no, no, no, I don't think so. But I don't spend an I don't spend any money like I'm I spend money on like fun stuff like private jests for us to go back and forth from Austin.

That is that's a that's something that was for underrated private jets. Oh there's It's the best, most amazing thing in the world you'll ever have. It's so great top to bottom. But when you're paying for it, when you start, it's like fucking.

Without econom someone said the other day, at the beginning, you're like, oh, yeah, definitely, I'm doing this and then when it goes in, you're like, fuck, yes, this is awesome. But once you come that's like you're landing. You're like, this wasn't worth it.

That makes so much sense. What's happening adversity? Is it my mic or is it the whole thing?

Oh shit for how long?

Oh no, try blowing on it.

Okay, wait, hold on, this thing's been frozen for thirty minutes. My asshole is so tight right now. Oh that's tough.

If we lose the fucking roll X story, if we lose all of it,