Welcome to Buns and Banter, a podcast by work Busties for work Busties. Hey, I'm Lauren and I'm Ali. We're both morning show hosts for iHeartMedia. We're both millennials, and we're both trying to figure out how to build the lives we dream about, dating, marriage, career, career and being a mom. How to get through a week without crying. Welcome to Buns and Banter. We're glad you're here. That's humbly. I think my thighs are too big to sit cross
legged anymore in these cheers. Yeah, that's all right. It fits the mood of the weed up there, and it hurts. I'm gonna sit like a Oh God, just don't watch this video on YouTube. Welcome to it.
Whoo Okay, So yeah, let's start with you because wow, wow, wow, I feel like there's a lot to unpack.
Well, I want to start out with a story first, because I feel like you and I talk so much about how busy we are, crazy stress we can be, and like sometimes do it. I feeling I feel like sometimes you have those moments that remind you like, hey, you need to slow the fuck down for a second, and it happened yesterday, and I feel like it almost I almost died, Oh tell me.
Yeah.
It was a good reminder, but it was also like a like father son, Holy Spirit, thank you Jesus for taking the wheel on this. I had so much to do the other day. I had like a client meeting, straight into Sophia's preschool open house, straight to flag football practice and then a birthday party. And it was our anniversary. And it was our anniversary. Oh yeah, we did absolutely nothing except all of those things. You shared an umbrella flag football? What do you mean so romantic? Ce? But
I'm speeding. This is all on me user error. But I'm like speeding to get from one event to the next. And I'm taking this the plain Field exit if you're local, and you know what I mean, right off of ninety six or whatever that expressway is, I don't know whatever, And it's a twenty five mile per hour one. It had started raining and it was too fast, and all of a sudden, my car like lost control. Oh horrifying, like shit my pants, horrifying. Yeah, so I could feel
like I was like, oh my god. And I realized it immediately. That curve came so fast. I was like, shit, you are going way too fast for this. What are you doing? This is irresponsible? And my car is just like hydroplaning, skidding. I'm off like I went off into the grass, like thank god, missed one of the like turn signs, the yellow arrows, and I was and then corrected itself, and I was just like, Okay, that was a literal life and death reminder. You need to slow
the f down. Yeah, And I just thought to myself, Yeah, and I thought, oh my, oh my god. Sometimes I think you and I both like I won't speak for you, but I think we are going so fast doing all the things, trying to get all the things done, so we have like an ounce of energy for ourselves that sometimes you need a physical reminder, like, bitch, you're going off the road. You need to like right yourself and figure this out better. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That is crazy.
It's such an experience. Oh that's so scary. So not to open like a buzzkill. It was my fault. I was going too fast. People have told me, Mom, I bought up a fast driver. But take a second, like deep breadth in, deep breath out, and give yourself a slowdown. Did big boss him tell you he spun out in his Tesla on the way up North a couple weekends ago. I had no idea. Hmm.
He totally spun out, Like he said, same thing. He was on the highway. He wasn't going that fast. It was somewhere between seventy five and eighty yeah, something on there, and he just the road was like a little bit wet, and he just completely he was going straight and then all of a sudden just hydroplane lost control and spun into the median, into the like the grass grassy median, and like, Tesla takes video of everything, right.
I was gonna ask, do is it like talk to you through the situation? Yeah.
And then because you like had a not an emergency incident, but some kind of like you know whatever, for Tesla, it keeps recording for like the next i don't know, ten minutes or something, just to like make sure everything's fine. But he showed us the video. It was super scary.
Wow.
So he was going to put new tires on his Tesla. I don't know if he ended up doing that, but take.
A second, slow it down, very be very demure.
About where you're headed on the road, very mindful, very demure. Some of you aren't when you drive though you're not. And it's really unfortunate because I have really been trying to work on my road rage, and it's just it ain't happening. It ain't happening, No, And I'm so impatient by the time we leave work, where the road rage would be worse. I got the way in who we
don't see very many people work good. When I get out of here, we are very fortunate that on our way into work, it's usually before five o'clock, so there's like no one on the road. So like the biggest gripe is like the lights are red when they don't need to be, because that's a good you know what. I yellows are everyone's friend or a blinking red But just like a regular cycle before five o'clock in the morning doesn't need to happen. I'm sitting here, I'm wasting time,
I'm late for work. What do we do wing? But when we get out it's like lunch rush.
Yeah. And I had the absolute.
Pleasure of being on twenty eighth Street at around four thirty five o'clock. Oh god, And I had to get from twenty eighth Street in Cascade over to Grandville. Oh, and I took and I was like, ain't no way, I'm taking twenty eighth street. There are I have a list of a one hundred things I'd rather do besides take twenty eighth straight between four and five o'clock. So I was like, I'll take forty fourth.
Oh yeah, oh look at the faith.
It was such a stressful drive. I don't know if it's just because we're not used to rush hour traffic.
I yeah, I never remember I have to share the road, my god, Like people don't use their blinkers. People just like cut into your lane without People go like twenty five miles an hour in a forty five zone, and then you're stopped at all these lights. Why are there so many lights? Like you can't even.
Get fifty feet no before you hit another light on forty fourth Street. It's like yes, And it just I was so stressed out and I had such a headache when I was done with that that I like, I got home and I went to bed like almost immediately, and I woke up the next morning.
With a headache.
Oh girl, yep, And I thought I was getting sick because then I got hot and I was like, oh my god, I'm getting a fever. Oh my god, I have the new COVID. Oh my god, how.
Did I you know?
But I was fine. I think I was just like I worked myself up.
God, because where I'm at, because I'm a couple of years older than you, i'd be like, holy shit, on top of everything else, I'm ParaMed apozzle, not demure, not not mindful? Am I doing it right? I warned to Ali before we started this, I said, I'm gonna sound like a senior citizen here because this is a huge TikTok trend right now. And I don't know if we're I saw the original video, yeah, and it's like, are we really being demure? Or are we ironic about the demure it?
Ty?
I don't know.
I think that's what's so fascinating about the Internet and these trends is that it just like kind of evolves into like whatever you want. Some of them are really funny, Yes, some of them are really funny. But if you're are unfamiliar, there is a TikTok influencer who just like coined this phrase and has like a large number of videos basically like teaching people like see how I do my makeup
for work, very demure, very mindful. I think, just to point out, like how crazy the world has become, Like do we need to be going to work in our rave clothes?
We don't. We're gonna set that ground.
We're gonna wear our cardigan and our crocs, very demure, very mindful.
I don't know if I'm I don't even have a mind. When I get up, I'm literally like, I think these pants are clean. I bought this at Target for five dollars yesterday and put it on. Do you love it? Yeah? Nice? It's comfy that I'm here for comfort. I've said that to you. I only get my lashes done because it gives me an extra thirty minutes of sleep. High maintenance to be low maintenance. Oh that's that is a bunch of banner t shirt. I didn't come up with it. TikTok.
You can find everything on TikTok. Yeah, high maintenance to be low maintenance. You know, like, yeah, the girls who get their like eyebrows like microbladed and get like eyelashes and stuff, because then you don't have to put makeup on like ever, and you're just like good to go like it's a rather high maintenance I guess cost and time appointment, but it saves you so much time and money in the long run.
So I'm a demure you are Oh, I'll tell you what was not demure. I've been waiting for this. I haven't.
I've not gotten your I've been waiting for this. I saw the video.
I have not gotten your in real life response to this, only because you were you were person ooh, you were person number three besides my husband and another coworker to know about what happened out on that water.
Lauren and I parked in to each other in the basement every day, every single day, and she gets here before I do. So when I pull in, I like see her car and I'm like, Okay, my person's here.
I can do another day. Oh I feel that same way. Yeah I do. I'm like, she's gonna be here soon. I've only got to hold it together for another four minutes.
So I pull into work last week or this week, yeah on Wednesday, yes, was days ago.
This is fresh.
And usually if she's gonna take time off vacation or otherwise, she's like, hey, I'm not going to be here, so take your pills before you come in tomorrow.
And her car wasn't.
Here, and I was like, this was not a scheduled day off.
Nope, nothing that happened with scheduled.
So I was going to text you, except I thought maybe you had taken like a personal day, and I was.
Like, good for her, I wish, I wish, and Nope. Instead I texted Ali. I said, hey, if you want to get together and podcast this week, I shit in a tackle box and I'd be happy to talk about it. That's the best tease. Pooped in a tackle box. I would like to say. It is probably rock bottom for me. It's easily the most mortifying thing that's ever happened. So we have a fishing boat. Chris is a big fisherman, and it's been in the shop since March for repairs.
Finally got it back late last week and I was having a really tough day earlier this week and I talked to Chris about it from work. So I get home and he surprised me. He's like, I've packed a lunch, I've packed beverages. The kids are good to go. We're gonna go have a boat day. The water is perfect. We can even go out on the big lake. Lake Michigan is like glass. I've chucked the buoys and it was amazing. We went out. We found this great little dune beach. Nobody was there. I love it. Yeah, the
highs are high and the lows are low. Because we left later in the afternoon and my son Will really wanted to fish and see the sunset. And Chris was like, the water is honestly calm enough. We could stay out there till sunset. I'm like, oh my god, this is so great. So it's about seven fifteen pm. We are out on Lake Michigan. I feel like this is important because a lot of people gave me like things I could have done to avoid pooping in a tackle box.
We were in the middle Lake Michigan, depth one hundred feet scary and like once you get out of the boat, we have like we don't really have a ladder to get.
Back into a fishing boat. It's a fishing boat. It's not like a speedboat or like.
A pontoon anything like that. Yeah, there's lines everywhere. And so I'm sitting there and it's been about an hour of some tummy issues. Hot girls have tummy problems, and I was like, oh, man, okay, so maybe we should wrap it up pretty soon, and boom, brick wall has hit. Things are coming. They are coming quick, quicker than anticipated. And I turned around to Chris. I'm like, man, I'm gonna shit my pants and he goes, oh, I'll start pulling lines and I'm like, no, no, we do not
have that time anymore. He said, I'm gonna go like right now, and he just like goes white in the face, like I don't I don't know what to tell you. And I go, oh my god, I'm gonna need you to pick whatever tackle box is the least important to you, and I'm gonna need you to look away. And I emptied out a tackle box and went to the front of the boat. It was literally the scene from Bridesmaids. You did what you needed to do. Literally, it was
lava alley. It was lava. It was so awful. And my kids are there and they keep turning around and Chris is like, guys, look at the big fish out there.
And I'm like, don't look at me, don't look at me.
And it's just like it overflowed out of the tackle box.
No, I ruined you beach her lady.
It was. It was horrendous. Then you have to dump your receipt and rinse it in Lake Michigan. Because Chris is Polish, so he's not gonna buy a new tackle box. He's just gonna sanitize and reuse this one. And I'm just like, oh my god, there was so much it showed up on his fishbinderlake. He's standing there and he's like, oh my god, babe, I'm so sorry because I know that this is just the worst experience for you. He goes, but literally, your poop looks like bait in the lake
right now. And I didn't have toilet paper or anything. So I just sat like that, got myself together.
What did we What did we do to the universe?
What did we do? What did we do? Three three other neighboring boats watched that happen because I saw them. I'm saw them, and you know what, all respect to the Lake Michigan fishermen because they knew what was happening, and I saw them all like turn around like, oh no, this has got me worse, and it was just it was the worst experience. I may never I don't know if I'll ever go on a boat again. I was so scared. I am so sorry. I cannot believe I
shit in a tackle box. Where was the home depot bucket? Exactly? And that's we drove all the way back into the doc complete silence. We like, get the boat hitched up, complete silence. We get in the truck. We're driving for about five ten minutes back home, and Christas turns me Eagles, you know, this is the first time I've forgotten the home depot bucket. And I'm really sorry. Even fashion into toilet seat for the home depot bucket. I'm fine with
the home depot bucket. That little tackle box kaboodle thing had no space for what I was about to unload. It was horrible. So I took the next day off because it was started on the boat at seven pm, went until about seven am the next morning. Oh no idea what it was. I felt perfectly fine afterwards. I don't we all ate the same stuff. But and it wasn't even like motion sickness. The lake was crystal calm. It was so nice. I would know because had there
been waves that shit would have gotten everywhere. Yeah, it was awful. I am so sorry. I appreciate that. And then We had a wonderful talk back message on our iHeart radio app that came in, and this wonderful listener said, I just want to ask SCHMITTI if what happened on the Fishminder was a crappy or a brown trout. It was like Michael too soon, Michael not solid enough to be a brown trout. So yeah, well, you know it was something. I bet Chris doesn't forget the home Deeper
boocket ever again, but he doesn't glass half fall. I bet I bet that also never happens to you again. That never. That's in a one.
That's a once in a lifetime. That's that is also you know, it was close to your anniversary as that happened as well, and as I recall, what was it not cholera, but what was the the in College Dale manella salmonella.
You guys, you guys have a believably bad strain. This is a this is a theme. I just thought to myself, I was like, oh my god. At one point, it's just so bad you have to laugh, like I'm sitting and it's just like where was Katie with the gas leaf? Get Out? Get Out? I believe it's like six episodes ago. If you guys want to track back on the buns and banners. I just thought to myself, like, it gets so bad, you're laughing, right, It's coming out of me
like water. And I look at Chris and I'm just like, thank god we're married, because you're stuck here. If this was like a first date, I would have taken myself overboard and risked the swim back to shore one hundred percent, Like, thank god he's been with me nine years and is not fazed by the fact that I had just the worst explosive diary in my life inside his fishing box, that is. I will say, though, and maybe ask this TMI. We have not done it since.
There was give it some time, there was no anniversary happening. Give it, give it some time, give it some time.
You know, you just think.
You you think you know someone after you've been married for a while. But every once in a while you get to peel back a new layer and layer, you get to experience new things together. That's yeah, that's that's a mile, so you feel closer.
We'll say that something. Yeah, for sure sat pretty far away for the rest of that ride. But that's just a personal thing.
Yeah, so has he also fashioned some sort of like toilet paper holder to the side of the home depot bucket, because I imagine if the bucket wasn't there, neither was the TP.
Yeah. He has actually spent the last couple days in his spare time really putting together a bit of a bathroom rig. So that was kind. I think that's technically my anniversary gift is the bathroom rigs. The bathroom rig for this nice, isn't that? Yeah, that's that's odd. I didn't think i'd be here someday. Life comes at you fast. Life comes at you fast. Can you think of the most embarrassing place you've had to poop? I just one has the story. I don't know what I would do.
I don't know what I would do. Yeah, but that's and you don't have time to think. And I did not have time to think. I'm like you.
I think you did the best that you could do, though for the situation. God like, it was either that or just like what in the middle of the boat.
And there's it would have there's no way, there was so so much, but I felt skinny us all afterwards. Yeah. Yeah, you're only one bat boat right away from your goal weight.
Always speaking of relationship milestones, Oh, congrats to you on yours, Thank you, thank you. I hope that in I hope that doesn't happen to me ever. But you know, how long have you and Chris been together?
This will be married nine years. We've been together since two thousand and seven. Okay, yeah, so give us some time, give us some time. Eventually you will be pooping in front of Jimmy too. I don't think so, but I am. I am. We're going on our first flyaway trip together. Oh that's huge.
Congratulations to the Grand Rapids Grizzlies men lacrosse team for making it to nationals.
Oh hell yeah, yeah. I finally got.
To see Yimmy play lacrosse.
Is he super hot doing it? I feel like lacrosse players are really hot. Yeah. Oh hell yeah.
Good for you if you can get it, if you can watch your significant other play like the sport that they're really good at. And he's like really really good. And he played at Davenport in college and he was like captain of the team. He was all American. Like I've been just chomping at the bit to see him play lacrosse, and like the season has been a couple months this summer and like I haven't been allowed to come to a game, and I'm like, I'm like why why,
Like I don't get it. Well, I finally get it because these games are like they're physical and they talk shit and I love it.
I love it so much. I love watching lacrosse. It is such an intense, intensely physical game.
Yeah, and this is box lacrosse, so it's indoor. So yeah, so like the field or or court or whatever is much smaller and it's inside and it is just like way more physical and I love it.
Oh my god, I have nothing to with a second. No, I know.
So they're going to Nationals. Their team is like really good.
That's amazing because they're all like ex college players or current college players or like some of them are like making a look at like the Professional Lacrosse League like PL so they're like these are this is some high level and I don't know shit about lacrosse.
So I'm just like, oh, we're clapping right, let me make sure it's.
The right people. You'd be so good at the shit talking now, I know.
I actually like that's one of my that's one of the things that I started doing during the first game that I've ever been allowed to come to, is like I write down their chirps to each other because they're just they're so funny, and none of them I can repeat because they're it's bad, and like it's funny to me because all of these guys are in their like upper twenties and thirties, some of them are in their early twenties maybe, so I know that, like all of
these guys have office jobs that they're going back to on Monday, oh with like bruises and cuts and scrapes, Like they fight, they fight and they talk shit, and I'm like, this is so funny to me that you guys are like so buttoned up at your office jobs like Monday through Friday, and then you get to play lacrosse on the weekends and just like get a little.
Bit off the leash. Wow.
So we're going to Nationals, which are in upstate New York, and not only will this be our first time flying and like going on like traveling together. We got a hotel room like a couple minutes away from where they're gonna play. Not only that, but his best friend who lives in New York, who I've never met in person. I've met him like once on FaceTime. Is also coming. Oh wow, right, so I'm gonna get to spend a
lot of time with him on supervise. And then I was talking to Jimmy last night about this and I'm like, hey, is the best he like staying for the entire tournament all weekend. He's like yeah, And I'm like, oh, he's staying with us in the hotel room Disney and He's like, which is fine. Like I'm totally cool with that. I'm totally I'm.
Totally chill and totally cool. But now I'm like, I'm nervous.
That is a very I'm nervous.
So it's like first flyaway, meeting best friend and then cohabitating for a weekend with best friend. Those are big milestones.
And this is like the first time that I'm gonna be hanging out with like his lacrosse friends and like their wives that are going to this, and like it's just like a lot of new things all at once. And I'm totally coping and I don't feel awkward and I feel totally good and great and not anxious at all.
Take your pills. Take the pills. Take the pills. I'm so excited for you though, also like Upstate New York. This sounds like, I don't know, a gorgeous start to a Hallmark movie or something. You're gonna make best friends with all the wives, Like you're gonna have all these new experiences and just fabulous time together, and you're gonna get to watch him like kick the shit out of people in his desired sport. I know, I am like so excited about that. He should make a T shirt.
But I, oh, I have his other jerseys. Oh my god, that's so cute. I have his other jerseys. That's real sweet.
And he's like, make sure you bring those and I'm like, oh, don't, won't.
Don't you worry about a how?
But like, so, if I start acting different, it's because I'm a wag.
Now a wag, a wife and girlfriend of a professional athlete. Oh my god, that's so good. Mm hm oh god, my friend's a wag. I'm a wag. We have to have a party or something. I feel like you need a coming out party.
Well, and he's he's talking about like I just like I hope we can play really well, and like I hope we can win it all because we've had a look at like the Championship Championship a few times and like we've lost in the semis and then we've lost in like the championship game, and like I just like I really hope we can win it this year. It's a really special group. The guys are really good and we have a really good team chemistry. And I was like, oh, is it not like a for sure thing that you'll win.
I guess I didn't really plan on there being like sad lost feelings. I just assumed like if we're going, we're.
Winning, and that's a good wag.
Like, I guess I have to prepare for all scenarios.
I cannot wait to hear about this. I know. I'm also about to get on Etsy and be like, find me some good wag swag from a girl. I know. I bet there's cute shit on there. I know, Oh my god.
And like this is not that I didn't like have this experience in high school where I had like a boyfriend that played sports. Yeah, and I didn't have a boyfriend in college that played sports on like a serious level. So I feel like I'm back in high school.
Like I feel so like Taylor Swift music video it does in a good way that is a total compliment.
So I'm just I'm gonna do the best I can. It's gonna be fabulous, but I'm super excited.
He's so lucky about you're the best wag about you're the best wag.
Well, I don't know how to do anything. So like his game that I went to last weekend, like the game ended.
And I didn't know.
I didn't know what to do, so I just like went and sat in my car by his car, and they were like on the field and like they got their picture taken, and he was like.
Why didn't you like stay to.
Come get a picture on the field, And I was like, I didn't know.
That was not I didn't know. And then they like.
All kind of hung around after and just kind of like, oh my god, hung out in the parking lot for a little while, and I'm just like waiting by his car. I'm like calling my mom like passing the time, and then I just like I finally ended up leaving and he was like, no, come back, like just what did you do in high school? Just like do that?
And I was like I didn't do this in high school. Money. I sat at the top of the bleacher's anxiety ridden, right, right, That's what I did in high school, right.
So I just like some of the other wives there, they've been in this for a while, so I'm just gonna like follow.
Their leave, oh yeah or whatever.
But you know that I'm not an anxious person whatsoever, and I'll be totally fine.
I'm like, it's so excited.
Yeah, and I'm like so proud and like so happy for the for the guys and also for Jimmy. But I'm just like very nervous. I'm very nervous.
Like we also, he's like so excited to have you there. I think on this journey, I think so yeah, my god, I'm gonna live vicariously through you. He said it.
He said that this was the first time that he like wasn't nervous for his best friend and his significant other to like spend time together.
Oh and I'm like, you're not because I am. You're just You're gonna need to hit that airport bar ahead of time, couple glasses, a wine, maybe a little gummy, and we're gonna be good to go.
I know, because when I get nervous, I get like quiet, so I just feel like I'm just gonna be like silent all weekend.
Oh my god, you're way too funny and interesting to buy it. Oh my god, you got like, oh my god, you gotta wave your wag flag. You just gotta get it up there. Get so excited. There's so much you could do with wag. That's such a great acronym. I'm so excited.
But I'm like, just like, this is how you bitches in high school felt right, and that's I love that for them, but also kind of do I guess I love that I can have it now.
Oh, like I said, living vicariously, Yeah, Chris through discus in high school and I was like, wow when he goes and it's not that great. It was just because we were the closest field to the parking lot and I would bring my George Foreman and make hot dogs. So I'm not a wag, but he's a fisherman.
Sure you're uh, you're a yeah, that's still a wag.
I thought you were gonna go with the part of gonna do't say that anymore.