Stop Trying To Lead Like Someone Else. Be Yourself. | Ep 264

what's up guys welcome back to build and today i want to talk about something that i have been seeing over and over and over again

both in the companies that we advise and in the leaders on my own team. And what that is, is this belief that in order to grow the company, in order to move fully like personality transplant new voice new walk new wardrobe like suddenly talking in a way that you've never talked before and I completely understand this because it's easy for me to see in others because it was something I dealt with so much for myself

when I was growing my first business and it was probably the hardest thing for me to learn. I think it was the hardest thing for me to learn because It's so difficult when so many of the examples of what you think you need to be and how you think you need to show up and what you need to do to be successful are people who are not you.

right and so inherently when you're trying to learn from somebody you're trying to learn from somebody that's not you but they've accomplished these things that you want to accomplish and i get it because you're just trying to find someone to model so that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish in the business.

And I get it because a lot of times we go from, even when you're the founder of the business, in fact, especially when you're the founder, it's like you go from being an individual contributor to being a manager to managing or executive. And you suddenly feel like you're supposed to perform leadership instead of actually just leading. And the truth is that you don't have to become like a completely different person to grow in your career.

You just become a more skilled version of who you already are. And this is something that took me a long time to really understand. Because if you really think about it, right, what actually changes when you move up? This is like the epiphany I have, right? It's not your personality that needs to change. It's your toolkit. You just need new skills.

You need better judgment. You need a wider perspective. You need the ability to handle more chaos and complexity. Maybe you need to learn how to be a better coach instead of doing things. Or maybe you need to be better giving feedback or managing conflict, whatever it is, right? In nowhere. And in no job description does it say, become a robot and speak like somebody else.

become a robot who uses corporate speak. Never make jokes again. Don't be funny. Don't be empathetic. But the thing is, is that what I see is like a lot of people try to play a part instead of being themselves and they actually become worse leaders for it.

And I know that that seems so counterintuitive because a lot of times what it is is that somebody's trying to be a better leader. And because they're trying so hard, you actually create the problem that you're trying to avoid. And the reason for that is because people can feel it.

like think about the amount of times that you've been like this person is being fake nice to me well people can tell when it's like fake leadership when it's not you it's not your style it's not actually how you want to show up Right. And so when somebody shows up being a fake version of themselves, being robotic, being guarded, being whatever it might be.

right if you're the person on the other side if you're the teammate if you're the colleague if you're the person that reports to this person you don't know where you stand and you don't necessarily because of that trust them and especially you don't want to follow them right Because if you want to create not just a team, but you want to create people who are loyal followers of you, then the only way to do that is to show them who you really are.

Real transparency, like being weird, being the real you is what makes people actually want to follow you, right? Like especially in the hard times when stakes are high because it's so hard to follow somebody that we cannot relate to.

And if you act unrelatable by acting like a robot or acting guarded or acting like you don't have emotion, then you, by consequence, seem unrelatable. And therefore, it is harder to follow you. Now, people will respect you. They might do what you say. They might say that you have authority, etc. but like to create that undying loyalty.

You have to be you. And I'll just give you an example of this. I have had team members who were much quieter, much more introverted, and they felt like they weren't necessarily charismatic enough to lead people.

And I had one particular gentleman in my last company, and I could tell that the way that he was showing up in meetings because he i gave him the feedback like hey like you know out of in looking at industriousness and enthusiasm like you lack a little bit of the enthusiasm so like that's where i think you can really hone in as a leader

and when he heard that i think what he heard was like well alex is very charismatic and alex is very enthusiastic and so i should show up like alex right and so i remember he came on to some of these calls and it was like i felt like It was actually worse because it sounded like pretending to be Alex rather than being a more extroverted version of himself.

and so i pulled him to the side and i was like listen dude like you don't have to be alex and you don't have to be me i'm just asking you to be the best you right with the skills to handle the role that's it you don't need to change who you are And he's like, well, I feel like if this person like Alex is better than me, then wouldn't it make sense that I try to be more like him? And I said, well, let me ask you this. In what ways could you be better than Alex?

and it was such a good frame shift because i think that was something that this person hadn't contemplated they were like better than alex like How could I be better than the person who started the company? But then he was actually able to come up with some reasons. And then I was like, great. So those reasons are what make you different from him. They're what make you you. And that is how you're going to become a great leader in this company, not by pretending to be somebody else.

funny enough right when he stopped trying to be somebody else and started focusing on getting better at the actual job the skills like of giving feedback you know setting directions holding standards and he let his own quirks show that's when people really started to love him because he was real.

and he was competent and that's what people want they don't want a robot that is you know competent they want a person who is competent somebody who's real who has quirks who has flaws who's humility who makes mistakes but gets back up when they make them

I think that's what's taken me a long time to realize is that being a great leader is not about changing your identity. It's just about developing the capabilities to do the job while you stay aligned with who you really are. It's funny because I think a lot of people, what they...

What they do is like as they try to move up, as they try to be a better leader, as they try to take on like an executive role or I'm the CEO now or whatever, they mute their personalities. They bury the quirks that they have. They bury the things that make them likable and lovable. Right? When the reality is you don't need to bury anything. You just need to also sharpen your skills.

That's it. It feels like people think I need to become a different person. I need to get rid of all the things that make me this likable, lovable person in order to be this executive or this leader. And the reality is you probably became and got the opportunity to be that executive, that leader because of your personality, because of how great you are, because of your relatability, because there are things about you that people admire, adore, and are inspired by.

For me, this is when I was really able to shift from being a boss to really being a leader for my team you know it was probably about six and a half years ago that i realized that every day i was showing up for my team I, because of the stress and the pressure I was putting on myself,

I showed up like almost like a robot. Like I didn't show them my flaws. I didn't want to talk to them. I think it was wrong. I didn't want to like, I just felt like the company's too big we have too many people now there's too much riding on this like okay enough of this kid shit like i can't be funny i can't do And you know what's funny is that that actually made everything worse.

during that time the company was stagnant during that time i was miserable during that time i felt like i didn't have loyalty from the people that were on my team and the reason was because i was not worthy of being being loyal to you know and that's because nobody felt like they knew me they just literally all would say like wow she's like a robot she's a savage like she's super intense

But they didn't see the sides of me that make me who I am and make me why other people who don't work for me want to be led by me. which is like my sense of humor, the fact that I'm weird and I'm okay with it, like my personality, the things I like to do, the weird stuff I say, my weird mannerisms, like all of those things.

And that's when I really took a hard look in the mirror and I was like, dude, if I'm going to do this for the rest of my life, i can't try to act like somebody else like i'm not gonna try and become this like you know silicon valley you know ceo that i think is like what i need to be to run this company right because a lot of times you know

unfortunately we look up to people who become famous a lot of the people that become famous it's like they have oftentimes like very different personalities than us who are looking up to them and I took a look at all those people and I was like, you know what? I want a lot of the skills they have, but I don't have to give up being who I am.

I don't think that that's a good long-term strategy anyway. I think it's a very painful strategy and it only helps in the short term because the reality is that if you every day have to show up acting like somebody that you're not, you're not even going to make it to the end of the game. Like, that's gonna put you out before anything.

And once I started being okay with people seeing me more as like a holistic person, like, all right, they're gonna see me with no makeup. They're gonna... see me make a mistake they're gonna see me when i'm like not my best whatever they're gonna you know hear my jokes they're gonna you know see that i have quirks they're gonna notice my weird mannerisms like when i just started being okay with it

Everything got easier. Every day didn't feel like stressful or like I had this pressure on myself it was like all I've got to do is focus on my skills I don't have to change who I am I don't have to hide who I am I don't have to pretend to be perfect to be a great leader for my team And you know what the ripple effect of that is? Is that once I stopped trying to be perfect, I saw how much my team didn't feel like they had to strive to be perfect.

If I look at the evolution of the team that I have that reports to me or that I've built in my businesses, The team I have now, everyone is so different. They're so unique. They're so authentic. And the thing is, is that I don't see any of them, rarely, trying to conform to be like somebody else. Because I talk about how it's okay. I show them that it's okay through how I act and how I show up. And I talk about the fact that I want people to be themselves.

And because of that, I feel like I get so much more out of the people on my teams and I get so much more of the good because The thing is, is that when people are constantly in this state of anxiety, trying to pretend to be perfect, trying to pretend to be someone else, trying to be this corporate executive or leader or whatever. They're wasting all that energy trying to hide who they are that they could have been putting in to acquiring new skills.

It takes energy to be fake. It takes energy to act like somebody you're not. It takes energy to constantly be like what I would like to call spying on yourself to make sure that you're acting in accordance with your goals. You can still acquire skills and be funny and be quirky and be weird and have odd mannerisms and weird habits and things like that. In no way, shape, or form do you have to give up who you are.

And the truth is, the best leaders are not carbon copies of anybody. They are just the most best version of themselves that they've ever been with the added skills to lead other people effectively. It's not about their personality. It is about skills. And so it's like, if you're weird, fucking own it. If you're intense, fucking own it. If you're quiet, if you're funny, if you're awkward, if you're super direct, just fucking own it.

Don't use those things as an excuse not to grow or not to get your company to the level that you want it or to be in the position you want to be. You can be you with more skill. And so I really just feel like this conversation and this philosophy is so important for people who are growing their business for the first time, people who are first-time leaders, I just see it too often. And it's like this undue pressure to be a version.

of yourself that doesn't exist rather than just focus on acquiring the skills needed to do the job. And if you look at some of the best leaders and people in companies, oftentimes they've come full circle where they realize like them acting like anybody other than themselves does not benefit their team or company. It only makes things worse. It only makes things harder. It only teaches other people that they have to do the same thing.

right and so if you look around and you're like you know my whole team is acting like robots or like i don't see much their personality they're pretty you know flat they're pretty i want you to take all of that and then ask yourself how are you showing up Because you train your team how to act. If they show up acting inauthentic, it's probably because you are.

that's what it took me to realize that i thought that i had to be a different person rather than have different skills to be a great leader in fact the best leaders are quirky are weird are funny make mistakes but also grow and get better from them And I know I sound like very I keep hitting on this point, but it's just like it's so important.

It is so exhausting to run a business as is. If you're also putting all this pressure on yourself to be a different person, to act a certain way, I mean, shoot, maybe you're saying that you need to act like me. Fuck that. Be yourself. Be who you are. This works for everybody. Nobody wants to be led by somebody who seems like they're not even a human. You can't relate to that. And if you can't relate to them, how can you ever think that you can achieve what they've achieved?

You will inspire more people if you are yourself. That doesn't mean that you don't acquire skills. That doesn't mean that you don't learn how to do things. It just means that you don't lose sight of who you are and you don't try to act like somebody else on the way to getting that thing.

i was having a conversation with one of my teammates last week about his development and we were talking about like what's the unlock to the next level and that's kind of how i position all these like I always just try to think to myself, like, what is the one thing that if this person did is going to unlock the most amount of growth? And I was trying to find the right words to say it, but I basically was like, hey, like, I just want you to just be you. I want you to drop the

guard. I said there feels like there's a guard up. I want you to drop the guard and the person that you are when we're alone in a room, comfortable, laughing, talking, building relationships. like that's the person i want to see in front of the team that's the person i want to see leading the company that's the person i hired and put in this role I didn't put you in this role so that you could talk like a robot and use corporate jargon. I put you in this role because I think who you are embodies

is somebody who's inspiring, you're weird, you're funny, you have quirks, but you're also incredibly skilled, incredibly hardworking, incredibly diligent. And you represent the kind of culture I want to create because you can balance those two juxtapositions. And when I told him that, he was like, wow. I feel so much better because ever since you put me in this role, I have felt like I need to be somebody else. I did feel like.

everyone that's in this position that I follow that I look at you know they speak very professionally and they're showing up like this and they're doing and I said great yeah that maybe that works in other companies And, you know, maybe it does work some places because that's the culture and they don't want people to be themselves and they like the corporate jargon and all that kind of stuff. But guess what? We are a self-funded bootstrapped company where you've got two wacky ass founders.

And so I hired you and put you in this position because I see that in YouTube. We are not even similar. We have so many things that are different about us. We share the same values, though. And what I like about that... is that you have this amazing dynamic personality i don't want you to get rid of that i want you to lean into it and then just acquire the skills needed for the job it's not a personality shift that's needed it's just skills

And I could tell that he walked out of my office just 10 times lighter than when he walked in. And I will tell you, like, that is a lot of what inspired me to make this today because I realized, like, it's not something I say to everybody, but it's something that a lot of people make the assumption. They make the assumption that...

If they're put into a role that is a leadership position, that suddenly they need to become a different person in order to own that role, in order to do a good job. And then what happens is they make themselves miserable in the process. Because they start trying to act like somebody they're not. And they put more time into trying to act like somebody they're not than trying to acquire the skills needed to be the best. whatever, director of sales, marketing, CS, people that whatever it is, right?

And I feel like having watched him walk out of my office that much lighter and seeming so much happier the next few days. i just felt like that was something that a lot of people probably needed to hear hit for you if this was something that resonated for you please share this with somebody who needs to hear it

I think too many people out there feel like they've got to fake it, feel like they have to show up as somebody else to move up in a company or to be the right founder or CEO for the company to grow. And the reality is the best leaders are the ones that