138: Stream of Consciousness 3

Weird things happened in the weird weird, weird. Wow. Hey it's up, y'all. You saw from the title Stream of Consciousness number three. This time we decided not to wait two years or two and a half to bring it back two or two and a half years to bring it back, uh,

for our grand episode three. Alex is on one today. I just want everybody out there to know that, uh, and yeah, we're hitting it with another Stream of Consciousness because things have been pretty crazy for really, honestly, all all of us, all of us involved in the making of this podcast, life has been particularly crazy lately. I've been talking to some people in the discord, like, you know, stuff's just been really wild.

So we were like, let's just keep it chill, Let's have a stream of consciousness, Let's update our lovely listeners and viewers on like what's been going on. And also, I just kind of feel like there's some stuff that I just want to like talk about in general, stuff that's been weighing on me. You know, I've I've had like kind of a tough twenty twenty four so far. I mean, things about it have been great, other things about it have been not so great. It's been it's been very

challenging. But we have some exciting news. Well, why don't you go ahead and chair it already. You've been teasing me for like two minutes. Hit me with a drum rolled in drummer. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it finally happened. Your boy has moved to Wilmington. I live in Wilmington now as of this very moment. It's it's uh, it's official. That's so freaking crazy. Yeah, and it like literally came together in like three

weeks. Yeah. Yeah, it all happened very very very quickly. So technically for the moment, I am not like moved in, but your lovely co host has offered his home to me. I'm staying with Ryan for a couple of weeks. Yeah. I like to think of it as like a boot camp for fun. You keep saying that. Okay, Okay, You've said that so many times now, and honestly, I don't even know if I'm like fully in on it. Could you describe to me what you mean? Dude? Just like boot camp, you know, you go away from

home, you know, you leave the wife and kids at home. I don't Sugar Bear and Jeekes Binks. I said, Jinks, and you know, you leave home and you know it's just you're not like doing an army training. We're gonna be having fun, right, So I guess the thing that I'm confused about is the phrasing U boot camp for fun? Does that mean I'm learning how to have fun? Oh? I'm gonna show you lots of things you have not known fun until now. Really you're gonna learn fun?

Okay, what are you gonna show me? I wasn't invited. Yeah, you're making these claims. Now, you're saying I was. I just live here. You live like four miles away. Man, you can come over at any moment, but you won't oh drag his ass. Oh I'm gonna drag him. But yeah. No, it all came together very very quickly, and I just kind of want to talk about it a little bit.

Dude. It was like three weeks ago, I'm going out to breakfast and you're like call me, and I call you and you're like, dude, I got a job in Wilmington, and three weeks later, here you are. It was like that it just materialized. It really did, and I think that it kind of needed to happen this way. It almost feels like the universe is kind of guiding me in this direction, is guiding things to happen this way, because the like analogy that I keep using is it's

like ripping a band aid off. It's like, and you know, that's like very scary, like how quickly everything is moving it is. It's honestly

pretty stressful and scary. So I just want to talk a little bit about it to I like the idea of being open with our listeners and viewers and like sharing the hardships, sharing you know, the shit that we're going through in life, because life is very hard sometimes and it gets dark sometimes, and like sharing your story with people it helps them, It could potentially helpefully

help them see like it's temporary. You're gonna come out on the other side, like unscathed, just fine, in a much much better place in your life. So just to give like the quick breakdown for a lot of you might know. I've talked about it before, but for the past year, I've been working with my brother shout out bro bro Robbie, love you dogs. Shout out Robbie. Yeah, I've been working with him doing lawn care, like something that I never ever saw myself doing. I didn't think I

was physically capable of doing that. I also thought it would just suck ass, like like just be really miserable and terrible. But like it was in almost every way so awesome. Yeah, Like I just kind of want to interrupt you on that. Please please show Yeah. Yeah, one of my favorite quotes, and I'd have to find it to tell you who said it, but one of my favorite quotes is that you suffer more in your imagination than you do in reality. Yeah. I heard that quote too, and

I love that quote, and that perfectly aligns with what you're saying. Nick. Honestly, I feel that in more ways than one that that applies to kind of like a lot of what I'm going through lately. I have kind of not to jump too far ahead, but like the last few weeks have been quite dark and quite difficult. I'm in a much better place now. Right now, I'm feeling great. I'm feeling amazing. Seneca, by the way, who wrotes Seneca? Seneca the stoic, oh Stoic philosopher? Yeah

epic? Okay, you never heard of Roman philosopher Seneca? Oh Roman? Ugh? I just know he loves like everything Roman. Well he's Italian, you're right somewhere up was the freaking that's Sopranian, bro, that's different. But anyway, anyway, the long hair stuff, like, yeah, I didn't think I could do it, but my brother called me. He was like, yo, I honestly I heard you. You just lost your job. That happened very suddenly too, like almost exactly a year ago, like

this time. It was March. Yeah, it was in March. It was like, I think I actually lost my job in like almost exactly a year ago, like to the date, mid February, mid to late February. I lost my like at home job, which was like a fun job. It was, it was all right, but it was the management was awful. Whatever. My brother calls me, he's like, yo, I heard you need some work. I need help. And you know, my first reaction was my imagination, like Alex said, it started going wild.

I was like, oh, I can't do that. That sounds fucking lame, that sounds terrible. I don't blah blah blah, all this stuff, every reason why I shouldn't do it, And then for some reason, out of my mouth just came like hell, yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, sure, sounds great. I don't know, like everything in my head was like no, but I just said, like yeah, sure, why not. That's that inner drive, you know what I mean? Like your fight or flight is like you knew you had to do it even though you

were worried you couldn't, which has been Yes, you're absolutely right. That has kind of been like happening a lot lately. Like my mind is going crazy with like the anticipation and the negative thoughts and like the you know, just a lot of negative self talk and you can't do it, you're not good enough, this kind of shit. But then my body and my mouth and like my actions are almost just like automatically doing the opposite. That's resilience.

Go into that bit like like you like that would suggest to me that you're just a resilient person. Like even in your head you're like I can't do this, but you're just like just freaking gritting your teeth and just doing it, even though it's like scary, it's tough. It's it's like the definition of resilience, Like you have no choice, you have to do it, and you're up to the occasion. Yeah, A lot of people that

don't have that. Yeah, And I have felt very grateful lately that that I have been able to do that for whatever reason, because like I'm almost thirty now and four Oh yeah, dude, that's coming up in like a few months. Yeah, three months. Basically, Yeah, wow, I'm almost and you're gonna live here do We're gonna go hard for that. Yeah, I'm we're gonna go hard for that. Yeah, we gotta do something fun. I had the I had the thought like maybe, like, well,

I shouldn't say it on the show. We'll talk about it. Yeah yeah. Yeah. But anyway, most of my life, honestly, like the the negative self talk and the stuff that's been going on in my mind dictates what my body does and how I navigate life, and it has stopped me at every turn from reaching for something better or taking life seriously. Is another huge thing. And I don't know what changed or when or how or whatever, but I attribute a lot of it to us doing this show together.

And you know, because there was tons of that stuff present when we were talking about doing the show, right, you you won't be able to do it before we started, Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, like you won't be able to do it or you won't. You had the same thoughts really, Oh yeah, yeah we were there. Yeah, yeah, we had

talked about it. I was a lot more vocal about it, right right, Yeah, But I mean, you know, those those feelings were very present, and I was like, you know, we won't, we won't continue doing it, blah blah blah whatever, all this negative self talk. Yeah, and then when we just kept doing it and knocking it out and hitting all these milestones and doing all this stuff, it was like, like I can actually do things, Like I can finish, I can achieve the

goals that I set for myself. You know, I think Alex, you you met me around the time that we started the show. We had met a little bit before then. But like, I don't want to speak out a turn or anything, but I kind of feel like a slightly different person now than I was then. Same like for me and you. Yeah, I feel like then I was very like I was like almost anti driven.

I was very like, you know whatever, you know, take nothing seriously, you know, it's all bullshit, blah blah blah blah bah almost like not really like nihilistic, apathetic is maybe a good word for it. Just kind of just like whatever, you know, uh, and maybe even like more negative back then or whatever. But I think that doing the show it consistently has helped with that a lot. Then another major milestone was twice Born.

That was another thing that, like, I mean, we have been talking about doing that for a decade, for such a longer, honestly, yeah, yeah, it really fifteen years, right, Yeah, Like we just talked about it and talked about it for endlessly for years and years and years and years. It never came to fruition, and then boom, like magic out of nowhere, we made it happen, and like we have this this EP that we're so proud of, and like that was another huge major

boost. So maybe it was those things. Maybe it was me actually knocking out these these goals and whatever for the first time that that gave me the ability to override all the negative self talk. So fast forward to a few months ago. So with lawn care, the thing is is like when the weather's good, you got plenty of work. I was seeing my family every day, spending tons of time with my brother. I was outside, I was losing weight, I was staying active, I was in the sun all

of these positives, all this amazing stuff. The money wasn't great at all, but I was like, I can excuse that because my bills are paid and all of these other positive things are happening, you know. Then the first hurdle, the first big slap in the face, was it was like around August of last year, out of nowhere, my apartment complex is like, yeah, you're gonna owe us like another two hundred dollars a month. And it was like, oh, okay, I can't afford that, like

at all, not even close. So we had to scramble to move out of that place. Luckily, the universe provided a house for Casey and I to rent, and it was it was amazing. Then the winter really hit and then the work like dried up. Yeah, like for a while we had like nowhere. But then didn't your rent go up in your house after living there for a few months too? After the first month. Yeah, the guy that we had it was kind of like an under the table arrangement

sort of thing for living in that house. And yeah, like after the first month, it was like, oh, actually, I'm not gonna be able to afford that price, so you owe me more money. It's like Okay, great, awesome, whatever, but it was still like way cheaper than our apartment. Was so fine, cool, whatever, you know, we'll take it. Then the work dried up. Yeah, then winner hit. The work dried up. I'm not working. I'm not making money.

That's when the real stress and the negativity and all of that stuff. Like to be honest with everybody out there and completely transparent like the past like good six months have been very very tough, like the darkest time of my life, very very tough, very stressful, panicking all the time, Anxiety at an all time high, depression at an all time high, just tough, and like, thank my lucky stars that I have the most wonderful support of

amazing wife. She is she's my rock, She's she I could not have done it without her. She's every I just I couldn't have done any of it. She's so supportive of me and my friends and you guys and this show. And I had so many things to be thankful for to keep guiding you forward. Absolutely that it was like the light in the dark, the the you know, yeah, it was absolutely like my saving grace through this very very dark time. And so I'm so thankful and I'm just, I

just I'm very thankful for the both of you. You know, you guys, you guys kept me grounded, kept me positive, kept you busy with stuff to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah it helps. And doing doing the show, it was has always been such a huge boost. So every time I come here and we sit in this room and we do this show, it's like recharging my battery. You know, I'm exactly the same. If it wasn't for the show, I would have felt like, what do

I even have to live for? It's it's crazy, Yeah, it's it's it's crazy that it, like just sitting here and talking into these microphones does that much. Yeah, for us emotionally, we never anticipated that part of it. Never, never, And it's potentially like one of the best uh uh like things to come from this, you know for me. Sorry, my brain's a little foggy because one of the things that had just happened, it was I got COVID a couple of weeks ago. Oh yeah, it

does make your brain foggy. Yeah. It has just been thing after thing after thing. So anyway, the work dried up, so I start looking for like what can I do? What how can I get myself in a better position. How can I make some more money? How can I just get things? You know, I wasn't even thinking anything about moving to Wilmington. That just seemed like such a thing possible time. Yeah, so far far. I was like, there's just no way, that's just not gonna

happen. So let me just think what can I do in Fayetteville. How can I get in a better position where I'm at, you know whatever? Sorry, applying for places. Talked to one of our good friends, Blake Powers, big old, big old shout out. He's a super mega omy. I swear I'm gona kiss him on the mouth next time, I said, I swear. He he he's gonna fly out this year, probably summer. Are we gonna have him on? Yeah? Oh yeah, he's just get married in April. Big congrats after that, big congrats. He he

works in it, which I have experienced. I have years and years of experience working in it. It's been a while since I've done it, though, and I didn't honestly know how far my experience could get me. He looked, he offered, like, dude, let me look at your resume, like we'll see, Like, because we would have conversations about it, and he'd be like, dude, if you're if you're like not bolsh shooting me, if you're if the experience that you are telling me you have,

you actually have, like you can go get a job. Uh. So he helped me with my resume. He helped me like what what type of jobs I need to start applying for whatever? And so I I was applying to a bunch of places in Fayetteville. But then this little thought in the back of my head was like, just just see just applying Wilmington. Yeah. Yeah, So you told me that. You were like, I'm gonna apply for some jobs in Wilmington. I'm like, sweet dude. Yeah.

And then like a week later, I get the call I got a job in Wilmington, and I was like what, yeah, this is real. Yeah yeah it was. I just I had the thought in the back of my head. And of course all with that comes all the negative. You can't, that's not gonna happen. Why even try? Then you get COVID right after you get the job. Oh my god. Oh oh, we

forgot t even mentioned. You were wondering like, how how are you gonna, you know, make the feast you know, and then your your uh your supervisor calls you and was like, can you start two weeks early? I was I'm like, come stay with me, dude. I was going fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't fudo can't fun. I still don't get well because we're going to be just like LAMB partying it up like pretty much every night. I love it. So yeah yeah, And I didn't know how I was going to pay for any of this move or

getting here any of that stuff. And uh, then my boss, my new boss, calls me, I need you two weeks early. And then it's like, wait a minute. That means I'll have a full paycheck, and like the money is actually pretty good. It's more money than I've ever made, which you know, it's not like crazy by any means, but it's to me, it is the most I've ever made a perspective shift, absolutely yeah. And so that one little paycheck is going to help us tremendously,

uh with all of our moving costs and all this stuff. Yeah, so like getting all this stuff figured out and whatever got COVID and that was like the ultimate bottom, like like darkest lowest point, because when you're sick, you're when your body is sick, your mind mood is affected. Yeah, I'm I'm the worst for that. Like when I feel bad, I'm like, don't bother me because I feel bad, you know what I mean, Like even mood wise, but I feel bad when the sun doesn't come

out. Dude, honestly, Like, that's that's funny. I've never thought about that. But he is spitting hard facts right now. But this is the first year in since Olivia has known me where my seasonal effective hasn't really Oh that's right. You have like a light in your room, don't you. Yeah, yeah, older place. Yeah, And I was real bad about that and have like not like you know, I don't want to overplay my depression, but because it really was like manageable. But yeah, in

the right if you deal with it. It's even Tony Soprano has depression. I understand what you are saying. We're all watching sopranos right now, but at the same time, it's like our biggest thing. Yeah no, but in the wintertime, I would just like hit this lull of like because I would go to work the sun's not out. Plus you're not getting the surf.

Yeah, with all that stuff, but with this job that I have now, like this hadn't happened, so well, yeah, that's what I was gonna ask, is like, I wonder if it's because you're outside all the time now every day, so you're still getting some sun, like you know, the sun is it's still out, You're still getting the the UV's

and and you know the vitamin. Yeah. No, the problem was that I would go to work and the sun wouldn't be out, and I would stay inside all day, and then I'd leave work and the sun wouldn't be out, so I would never feel it. And but I think it what it did, it was just what it did. Would it would exaggerate the feelings that I was already feeling. So I wasn't really happy. I was

just kind of going through the motions. And in the summertime, I had all these hobbies and stuff to do, so it was like whatever, you know, I'm working for my and then in the winter time when all that dries up, it's like what am I? Dude, he's really underplanning it too, man, Like you know, because we've been doing full disclosure once

a week. With his last job, I had to talk him out of quitting like twenty five times, like he was like, you know, and then boom, this new job just appears for you too, out of the blue, and yeah, all that stuff just kind of just went away. Like I have never felt as lost and broken as I did in my work from home job, like cut off from the world. It was. It was and I didn't realize how miserable I was. Hold up, oh, bro, what who said He's an emotional dungeon? That shit was drama.

Bro, that that was like, that was like, but it's taken me. It's taken me months to figure that out. Alex. You're you're spitting facts right now. This is this is some shit that like more people go through than you think. And just to put it into perspective, I have lived a large chunk of my life like that, Like yeah, not even knowing that that something was wrong and that I was like isolating myself in certain ways and shit like that's there is no down playing that, as you said,

like that that is hard, yeah, to through. Honestly, the only good thing that came out of that was we got a puppy and I was able to be home for a year training. This dog's the best, She's the best. Love that dog. And now she's like good, like I can go to work. She's fine when we get home to take her out, like she's you remember when he first got her, he would be like, I gotta go home, yeah for two more hours whatever, I gotta got my baby girl. She's a sweet heart, little Juno. She

ain't a little no more man, she's she's a big girls. She's fifty Oh well, I mean she's fifty pounds. She's fifty two pounds. Bro G said, we need to get those two pounds off. Bro My my brother got an XL bully puppy recently. It is three months old. Is it or Zeus or what's the name Zeus? Zeus? We have Yeah, my parents have a dog named of Pena, right, the poodle and now yeah yeah, oh and uh Jonah just got a Golden Retriever named Draco. Nice. But Zeus. Yeah, my brother's dog is four months old,

four and a half months old, and he's fifty pounds. He says, he weighs as much as Juna. Yeah, and he's four months old. He's a little turd, dude. He's like he's like a truck, like a little truck. It's so crazy that dog is gonna be massive turd. Yeah, he just looks like a little turd, like a little saggy little turd. What are you eating? Bro? Have you eaten? Have you

ever seen a bully puppy? They're like little TUTSI rolls, They're like a little like it's it's honestly, like, just keep going with this brown theme. Man, I'm worried. It's like a it's like a potato sack. Yeah, like a little sack of potato. Like, oh, that's funny. Are our groomer picked the dog up and said, come on your second potatoes? Because she hates being there and it's like like dead weight, like will not comply? Juno. Yeah, she's a girl. Y'all want to

hear something really unfathomable. Yes, Delilah weighs more than odin now. Oh I believe I took her to the vet last week. Oh she weighs Like what's the number? It's like zero point one pounds but they're wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, like the total number? Yeah, how about yeah, like thirteen and thirteen point five and then like thirteen point six eight, but like for years, I mean they're five years old now. She was always like two pounds. Yeah, lighter and smaller, and she

still looks smaller. It's funny because Odin is a bigger he's bigger. He is just bigger, but he's not heavier. Yeah, he has like a bigger frame and everything. Yeah, and Delilah is like a particularly small's petite. Yeah, she'd been eating, don't play veg no more. And my cat, sugar Bear is the combination of those two things. He's the big frame and that boy eats he is he's nineteen pounds. Oh my god,

he's so big. The vet told me when I got her way last week at the vet, she said, oh yeah, man, I had to. I was like, I'll help you with the crate if it's too heavy, you know. She said, oh no, no, no. Last week I had a thirty eight pound cat and I was like, was it a Maine coon? She's like, no, what he said about broke her back picking it up in the crazy I forty pound cat, not even a main coon, just a dog that yeah. Yeah, i'd been naming that

jelly roll. I mean, I've seen some big ass Maine coons that like you and you're like, oh, yeah, that's on average. They're like thirty pound. Yeah, they're huge. But anyway, anyway to bring this whole, this whole story to Yeah, yeah, basically, it's been it's been a very difficult hard time. Uh, but the sun is coming out. The sun is finally coming out and breaking through the clouds, and now

we're in the home stretch. I'm gonna be here for the next two weeks working and then after that two weeks we'll be in a new apartment in Wilmington. Boy, you know what's where I'm here. You know how many times we've talked on this show about when when I get to Wilmington, when Nick comes to Wilming Since the first episodes, Bro, for three years, we've been saying, eventually he'll get the move here. It's a wrap. I'm here, and like it just happened and we didn't even expect it. It

was just like an act of desperation. Just you send out your resume. Yeah, first interview, second interview, Oh shoot, I got the job. Oh shoot, I need a place to stay. I want me to work early. Oh god, you know you've already toured so many apartments, like it's it's here, yeah, I mean, I mean, and we're still processing it. Yeah, I don't know, dude. It has been the wildest ride. While it has been the hardest, most like dark point maybe in my entire life, it has also been the most exciting. And

now all of the positivity is coming. And now in just a couple of weeks, it's going to be nothing but rainbows and sunshine. It's like they say, man, pressure makes diamonds. That's it, you know what I mean? Courage, Yes, I'm learning that. Or like alchemy, you put the fire to the lead and then it becomes gold in a metaphor for this. Yeah, it's like we've talked about this kind of stuff on the show before, but I never had the experience in my own life to understand

what it meant, right, And now I feel I'm learning that. Right now, I'm learning what that means. I feel I'm also earning what masculine energy means through this whole experience. Oh yeah, you know, like it the masculinity, like we've talked about on the show, like anyone in the world can have masculine and feminine energy. In fact, it's like really a

great practice to try and have equal parts of both. The masculine energy is the drive, right it's like the actuary passion and the action action and the like, yeah, the putting one foot in front of the other, and like in the accomplishing. Yeah, that's what I was going to kind of tap into that when you were talking about, you know, finishing things and the show being one of those things and the EP being one of those things. Yeah, and it's like that's what we as a species human beings are

hardwired to do. Yes. To accomplish is to build, is to create and finish and follow through. And it's like that's that's got to be. It feels so good, you know. It's like, yes, you're at the top of the mountain and you can do it again. There's more mountains. Keep going time and get higher. No, I'm excited, get higher and higher. Brother. We went on a tangent about this on the Full

Disclosure weeks ago. They've become a motivational PEP talks just yeah, I mean just like, yeah, the concept of like don't sit around there and complain about your miserable situation. Like it's not that easy, but like you can do it. Yeah easy, It's not easy at all. And like the best advice that I think that I could give to somebody who's going through something similar or feeling a similar way. Is like try and separate your mind from

your body. Try and because if you can, if you can make that separation, and if you can like trick yourself into if you can trick your body into ignoring all of the wild negative ship that's going on in your mind, and like just just your body, just put one foot in front of the other anyway, even in the against the odds of all of this negative self talk and all of this doubt and shit, if you could just make your body do it anyway, it'll still happen. You'll still get the good

stuff, You'll still get the payoff. It's it's like we are rewarded by God for our courage, for our for because because to act in the faith or in the face of like you know, being so scared or so like I'm doubtful, whatever, it's it's faith. Like to still go forward is like a test of faith. Yeah, and to succeed that test, I do believe you're rewarded. I yeah, I agree. And I have like been praying for the first time in years, years and years and years and

years and years. It was that like know the religious trauma and the stuff like that. I talked about it recently maybe, but like I asked you a personal question, please you off, please know, how do you pray? I all right, that's really interesting because, uh, at first, when I started trying to pray again, I was praying in a very different, like new way where it it It didn't It almost kind of just felt like affirmations or something to that effect. But it's a lot of my prayer.

Yeah, I found in this uh, through this like really dark time that I've been going through, I just found myself naturally praying the way that I used to when I was a kid, you know. And like I think that was a big step for me because praying as a kid sometimes felt so transactional. Yes, yeah, absolutely, you know, yeah, and

it almost like saved me. I'm sorry. Yes, it was always i'll do it save me asking for things and apologizing, right, and it always felt I felt bad doing it right, like I'm sorry to ask, I'm sorry, you know, Like, but I really you know, and it just it I had a negative emotion with it, which is probably why I was trying to like change the way that I was praying or whatever. But I kind of. Again, this was a thing where my mind and my

body didn't match up. My mind didn't want to pray that way because of the trauma, but my body just did it. It just I just prayed that way, and I felt it comfort me. You know, I actually felt it comfort me. And every time I did it, I almost immediately got what I was asking for, almost immediately. It's because you surrendered to the Higher Power, and I told the Higher Power that I when I pray, I refer to it as God. Sometimes sometimes I I mean, I

switch it up. I use whatever term I'm feeling in that moment, like honestly, but the default is just God, because that's what I grew up knowing. Yeah, you know, so when you were praying, was it was it God, I want this, or was it like I am struggling here, help me. Yeah, so it was it was really like if I can try to remember exactly, it was like it was like God, like I'm I'm I'm at my I'm at my wits end, Like I can't do it, I can't do this anymore, Like I can't go through this

anymore, and I need your help. I need you to step in. I know that you can you can perform miracles? You can you can do anything that that I ask of you. So I am going and I said this almost every time, like I am going to take this off of myself and I have to give it to you like I have you. I need you to take this from me like I I and I would even like I would literally talk as if I was talking to a person standing in front of

me. I would say things like I was scared of you for a long time, like I was afraid of you, and like, you know, I don't have I don't know what our relationship is like, and you know, things like that. But I know that you're real in a capacity I can't even fathom, and I know that you can give me what I need. And I have no other choice but to just believe that you humbled yourself.

I did, I fully did. That's how it works. That's how it works with the phenomenon because exactly it's yeah, it's all the same, it's all. It's all God. They're not Yeah, these are not separate things exactly like you know, never get that twisted like we it is all one thing. Yeah, it's God, It's God. That's exactly how it works, you humble yourself. Yeah, and you know we we have this

this uh I say we. I don't. I can't speak for everybody, but people have this like chip on their shoulder like, oh, you know I can do it on my own. Well really no, you can't. And once you realize that, then you can do it. Yeah you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, it's like you give it up, you offered up. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, that's

that's a that's a huge part of it. I had to I was just at the bottom and I just had to like say, and then when it worked, I would do it again and I would say, all right, well every time it was like thank you God, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God, like just profusely thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And then the next time that something else came up and I needed something, I I would just say, God, you got me this far, you got

you got me this far. And so I'm just going to keep I'm just gonna keep believing that keep going, that you'll keep carrying me through this and that this wasn't for no reason. This I know now that this is not just some bullshit like, you're not just this isn't a coincidence. This isn't like every time I've asked, You've given me what I asked for, and I'm just going to keep I'm just I need, I need, I need

this, Please I give it to you. Yeah, that's why I wanted to dig in because I was I had a feeling it was that exactly, So thank you for That's how my daddy taught me to pray. Yeah, that's how. That's how my daddy taught me that. That's the definition of faith. Yeah. People think it's like, oh, it's just about, like, you know, believe that God exists. That no deeper than that.

It's believing that there is a purpose and there is a plan and there's an order to thinks and even though you're worried and you're stressed and you're freaked out, you keep going and guess what, you rely on that invisible force. That's faith. Yeah. The disconnection from that is hell yeah, honestly because suffering. The darkest points in my life is when I didn't believe that, right, I didn't when I didn't believe that there was a purpose.

Same for me, dude, anytime I've ever suffered in life or worried about the future, or like impending doom in my life. And what is it? What even like, you know what, even in the Bible it says like hell is separation from God. You know hell. I was going to say that exactly because Hell's every time I think about a scenario where it's been suffering, like disconnected is the theme, you know, And it's not. It's like what am I feeling disconnected from? Because it's like nothing changes in

your interpersonal relationships. You're just suffering because you're you're you're disconnected from the divine spark. Well you lost it. But it's it's not it's not irreparable. No, it's the opposite, you know. It's it's it's very repairable, it's limitless. It's yeah, yeah, it's. And this is why what God's finger is in the in the painting in the Sistine Chapel, right or the top of the ceiling or whatever, God's finger is fully extended out and

Adam's fingers barely barely out there. All you have to do is what does it say? The move a mountain? It's a metaphor for this I am literally learning at firsthand, right, now, like, honestly, probably for the first time in my life. Hey, congratulations on moving your mountain. Brother. Yeah, honestly, well genuinely thank you for that, because at

times it absolutely has felt like a massive, immovable mountain. And it was only the times that I connected with like the source, that the mountain moved like truly, like it's real. It's absolutely one hundred percent real. And yeah, if you feel like you lost that like connection in some way or another, Like it might sound a little weird at first, but if you're having a hard time reconnecting, fake it till you make it. Just say it. Yeah, just say it, Like just what do you have to

lose, What do you have to lose? Just just try, just just try, because like I felt silly doing it again for the first time, like this is weird. I don't know, there's all that weird religious trauma and all that shit, and like, you know, I don't know because my opinions about the Christian God or my opinions about this god or the other or whatever. You know, I just felt weird. And then I was

like, you know what, fuck that. Like I grew up, my dad taught me to pray to God and he taught me how to pray to God. And so like, I'm gonna ignore what these religions tell me about God and all this stuff. I'm just gonna believe in the one real thing that's out there that encompasses all of these religions and all of these mystery traditions and all of this phenomenon. And it's all the same thing. So it doesn't matter what I call it. It doesn't matter how I connect to it,

It doesn't matter. That is exactly what I mean when I say, when you label me, you've lost me, right, That's exactly what I'm trying to say. Yeah, forget all these labels, and I like quung Shin. I like, yeah, you know, boodoo boo boo. Well, I just believe in God. Yeah, but there is something. Call it whatever, call it, whatever feels right, connect to it's real. Yeah, it's actually there. However, whatever feels right in your heart,

Like, just trust your heart. It's not going to steer you wrong ever in life ever, trust your heart always. So whatever your heart is telling you to call that thing, call it that. And however your heart is telling you to communicate with that source, follow that. If it's God, if it's a law. If it's Buddha, if it's the universe, if it's whatever, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You call it whatever and just connect and do the things that you feel the most connection doing.

Yes, that's it. That's one hundred percent. It like whatever feels right, whatever feels like. But it's so it's so weird, like talking about this, because what does it do what thou wilt? It's like there's such a fine line there, you know, it's not really it's not like if you understand it, it's it's very different. Like if you're doing things that imitate prayer and meditation that bring you closer to this connection, is not doing

what thou wilt? You know, it's it's just a it's something that I struggle with, I guess I'm kind of projecting here, struggle with in what way the the separation in my mind, No, the separation between the dark side of do what thou wilt and doing what pleases you and brings light to your life life and doing what you want but in a right hand path,

you know, connected type of way. It is a fun line because you know, being addicted to Debbie cakes and getting diabetes could please you, right, but that doesn't mean it's good for you, you know what I mean. And that's you know, there's I think like the true path to God is like you said, the right hand path. It's like there has to be a level of mastery. I don't mean you got to be freaking Buddha,

but you you have to walk the narrow path. You have to you have to be like of the light, you know, being good to people. Kind. You know, it's not just like whoa, we do whatever

we want. That's hedonism exactly. That's that's a whole different thing. That's like debaucherism, Like it's a complete and I think that the difference there is is that because you know, those people who live hedonisticly, like that's very much an Alex stir Crowley type like you know, uh, but the way they could say like, oh, well, I'm just following my heart. That's what my heart is telling me to do. So what so here's a

difference. Though maybe maybe it's that you have to calibrate your heart first, and then the other devil's advocated that is like, well follow your heart, okay, Well what about all my old you know, Pentecostal relatives who are following their heart and right, you know what I mean, Like, there's there's there's a there's a way here. What about you know a Muslim or a Jewish person or a Christian who are following their hearts and judging the other

one. Yeah, you know what I mean, there's but you know what think about this man? I don't know. It takes a level of self awareness. Yes, but like even those people, like I've been that type of person before. So like if you're in an exoteric religion, you've probably experienced that. First you feel some type of way about the other ones, but done it also feel bad like done it also feel kind of sad on

the inside. Like what you're saying is, you know, you know you're you know you're hating, and you know that hate is wrong and there is no we don't hate. But yes, right, but you're going to hail, but you're going to hell because you're like Miley Cyrus. Yeah you know what I'm saying. It's like even if you're even when you're judging someone else, you feel on the inside like shitty and you're hiding behind. I used

to have those conversations. I used to have those conversations as a Christian, you know, being like, you know, Mormon's going to hell, Muslims going to hell. You know, it's just what they believe. Like Christians literally it's in the religion, like you are going to hell unless x y Z. Yeah, and you know that, you know so naturally. I was read and I remember having conversations with Chris Junior, and Chris Junior would always be like, man, it's wrong to judge. Why would you judge

a Mormon. That's what they believe. God wouldn't want you to laugh at them and mock them. And I was like, you know that that makes sense. Yeah, it's almost like it's almost like follow your heart, but like check you with your mind, like keep that dialogue between your heart and your mind open, you know, follow your intuition, that's your heart, but make sure in following your intuition, check in with your mind to make sure that your intentions are pure. Yeah. I think an easier way to

say it is literally humble yourself. Yes, yeah, you know, yeah, like I'm not bigger than anybody, I'm not better than them because of what I believe or what they believe. We're all trying to figure this shit out. Yeah, we're all trying to connect with this force. We just have different ideas about it. But all it really matters is there is a force, you know what I mean, There is an actual higher force.

Yeah, that's that's exactly why. You know, Like I think a lot of people confuse the word God with being a Christian word, But if you talk to a Muslim or if you talk to a Hindu, they say God. Yeah, you know, God is just universal. It's it's just in my mind, it's like a it's like a neutral title for whatever the supreme being is. Yeah. Right, that's why I'm just like, I'm all about G O. D. Yeah, I'm not saying the Christian prayer, right, you know, I see it that way these days too, Like

I see it as just a neutral, like middle ground term. It's easy. It's there is a force. Yeah, you know, that's all I care about. Yeah. Yoh. Another thing that happened in that dark period of time is I lost it tooth Look, Oh yeah, I forgot about that. It was so much happening at once. Yeah. It really was just like a dog pile of just thing after thing after thing after thing after thing, like up until well I'm laughing at h I said, hey, man, text a nick, you want to play chivalry? Oh yeah,

he said, no, I'm getting tooth pulled. Oh yeah. And then like a couple hours I was in there for four hours. Oh it was it was horrible. Uh and uh. And then a couple hours later I just sent him a picture with me with my gauze in my mouth and like smiling, all numbed up. Yeah, it was brutal. But yeah, no, I mean up until literally, like I I don't know, less

than a week ago, it has just been a NonStop barrage. Thing after thing after think, like, obstacle after obstacle after obstacle, just non stop, over and over and over and over and over and over. And I'm not saying that it's over there. There's likely to be more obstacles ahead, you know, just getting this move done and finishing it out and getting here. But I made it this far. Yeah, God brought me this far.

Yep. It wasn't for nothing. And the timing of this is insane too, which makes me think it was written in the stars a long time ago. Yeah, because like you know, we had no knowledge that you were going to be living here. But the irony of it is we literally, like, what is today Saturday? So like three four days ago, me and Jenny just accepted an offer on a house. So literally simultaneously, while you're moving here, Jenny and I are going to be moving into a

house. Which what does that mean? New studio? New studio. So the exact time that Nick is moving here completely coincidental. And this literally came together in the last three to four weeks just on a whim. Yeah, by the time you get settled in, we're literally gonna be upgrading and building a new studio. Like, how coincident all the stuff we have in the bag for the show? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, stuff we have

on the horizon here, like everything is about to just rapidly evolve. Yeah yeah, awesome, Yeah, which means a lot of a lot of new things for the show. Like, so let's talk about what we have right now. Okay, what we got going on? Nick? What's the Patreon all about? Oh yeah, I mean go over to patreon dot com. Slash Bledsoe said, So this is a good opportunity to let people who might not know about it. No, we have a Patreon, We have a lot of cool perks, We have you get the episodes a couple of days

early, which is sweet. You get our awesome Discord server, which is we it's it is the coolest. I get a lot of messages that it's like the best community in the world for like this particular I people say that, I like, like UFO spirituality whatever. Like I've I've had people be like, you have no clue what you guys have. Like I've been to so many different Discord communities and they're toxic. Yeah, they're hateful that this

shit is popping. It is And we do like events in our Discord all the time, Like we'll get in there and like live stream h We'll talk to people, will play games with our fans. Like speaking of Blake, shout out he ran our Valheim service. He did and it just finished the other Wednesday night. We finally beat it. Been playing it's this November. Yeah, so we'll likely do another season of that and oh yeah six to twelve months or something. That'll be awesome. Yeah. So we do all

kinds of cool stuff with our Discord. We have a Minecraft server in seasons that that we do, and we watch movies with our Discord. Sometimes we'll have like a movie night where it's like kind of mystery science theater. We all talk about the movie while we watching it. Yeah, trying out a new a little a live show event this week. Yes. Yeah. And then on top of all that amazing stuff, you get full disclosure, which

is apparently it's becoming Ryan and Alex motivation sometimes, which is awesome. Yeah, I think that's like so sick. Yeah, I'm always just trying to inspire people to be more positive, like I don't, I don't. Yeah, that's my drive with that is trying to gas people up and give a perspective that's a little more positive. And sometimes it does turn out being that way. That's not every time you get to hear a lot of what Ryan's dealing with that week, it's more of a or what you're dealing with.

Yeah, it's more of a whatever's kind of happening is gets spilled out. And this is all at the five dollars tier. Yeah, five bucks gets you all of this stuff that we're talking about, And a new tier is coming very soon, two new tiers and two new shows. Yeah. But yeah, the two shows will be on the same tier though, Yes, which is awesome because we're trying to give you value. You know what I'm saying, We like to give your value value value. Yeah, you're going

to be kind enough to support our show monetarily. We are going to make sure you get way more bang for your bucket anywhere else out there. We are going to give you so much content. Everyone who is a patron, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And you know what, everyone who's not a patron, thank you. Thank you. Absolutely. Everyone who's watched the show one time and left some really hateful, ast negative comment, thank you very much. Engagement, thank you.

The people in some federal facility somewhere, shadow Banning, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you all. Maybe not really that one, but yeah, yeah, so we have we have some very very very exciting things coming up. Now we won't have to like freaking bank episodes. That's best

part. That is honestly the best part, because it'll be like you guys will probably hear this episode in like a month, and but once we get on a new recording schedule, now that I live here, freaking epic, so sick, so cool, we're gonna be able to record the show like weekly. Yeah, and so you know, it might be a week late that you're you know, it might be a week after we record it that

you hear it. It's just about sometimes it's less that that also releas sick the pressure because like we usually record two or three at once, and then it's like, Okay, we got to do all the studying to like bang bang bang three episodes in one night. When we only have one per week, I feel like it's gonna be so much more. The pressure will be off my shoulders because I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure

that it's like deep enough, valuable enough for whatever. And I'm looking forward to that to where we can just go all in once a week, you know. Yeah, I'm stoked on it. Things are gonna change for the absolute better very soon. Yeah, I want to be transparent about that. It might because Nick's moving here and then we probably won't even live in our new house until like May or something, you know, so like it's it's

it's gonna be us getting into the groove of this new thing. But you know, in the coming months, you know, especially come summer and then maybe like by fall, you're going to see a different product. Definitely you're going to see a completely different product, and it's going to be better than ever. It's like a caterpillar metamorphasizing or metamorpho. We about to butterfly. Slim the horn I got. You explained hitting the button. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. I like how you explained you were doing a horn. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Though I didn't know. Now I know you told me that I'm talking about. I don't. I don't know how to make the sound, but you know, I gave it my percent. You did. The sound was on point. It was this thing that I was confused slimming the button. You're doing like a stinky like you're smelling something stinky that would confuse me. Yeah, you smell. I couldn't imagine

what the stink would be, you know. But one more thing I want to be transparent about. There are a lot of things going on behind the scenes that are like, you know, freaking crazy deal. I just want to say, like, the last time that I was this hyped about stuff going on behind the scenes was maybe like April of twenty twenty No, no, no, before that, like February or March of twenty twenty three, when we started full disclosure. Yeah, and for that many months until August.

I would be on there like yo, crazy stuff's about to happen. Crazy Stuff's about to happen. And then boom the History Channel came out in August, and it was something that I couldn't talk about, but like I was like, oh my god, I wish I could. But let's just say this time, it's gonna be at least double as hype. At least double at least double is hype. Y'all heard this man. Don't mess with this man. Yeah, there's some hype stuff going on, and you know,

time will tell. Yeah, there's very very hype stuff. I'm so stoked for it, and I'm happy that we're all just finally going to be here at the same place, living in the same place. Our energies are just constantly going to be gelling with each other all the time. Oh yeah, yeah, Nick, Yes, outside of the podcast completely, what are you most excited about living in Wilmington. I am excited to use this as an opportunity to be outside much more. That is probably the thing that I

am the most excited about. My first thought when I found out that, like you know, when I decided that I would get a new job. I was like, Okay, well listen, I've lost like seventy pounds and I need to do whatever I can to make sure that that weight stays off of me. And also like I've learned in a year's time to love being outside, Like I have to go outside now or I will just be not okay. And like being in the sun. I used to hate it, Now I'm obsessed with it. I love it. I want to be in

the sun all the time. And so literally, like the first conversation I had with my brother when I got the news that I got that job and you know, we're gonna move to Wilmington, I was like, dude, I'm gonna go longboarding. I'm gonna get Alex to teach me how to surf. I'm gonna go running like every morning. Like I just want to be outside as much as possible, and like there's there's so much to do around here that you can do outside, you know, like frisbee, golf,

and like it's just the beautiful scenery and you know, the beach. Obviously, I've never been like much of a beach guy, but it's freaking there. I'm gonna I'm gonna go I love the ocean. I think the ocean is like the coolest thing in the world, but like, I don't like sand. It's rough. It's course, it's everywhere. I have a feeling you're gonna become a beach guy. Yeah, oh dude, I ken, Yeah, I already feel it. It's a lifestyle bro okay. And just

knowing. You know, there's there's years where I go once that I've lived here, but it's just knowing that I can. It's like talking. It's like going on a trip to some other part of this the country and you're like, yeah, I live at the beach. Yeah yeah, people really, can I come visit? I'm yeah, I'm I'm each is full. Sorry, I'm looking forward to being out there. And also, like you got to start seeing stuff different. I'm trying to go fishing in the ocean.

I love fishing so much. There's a pier that you can pay like two dollars actually yeah, yeah, and we can go. Yeah. You might have a friend who has a boat, somebody somebody I know fishing on trap out there. Got back fishing, buddy, Let's go flound a gig and diddy gig and I'm gone f gig yeah, I have one time. I don't feel so good about stabbing a fish today. Well listen, as in my philosophy, as long as you eat it, you're good. Yeah, that's true. As long as you eat it is nourishing your body.

I heard somewhere that like there's this Native American concept that like we have this like unspoken contract with animal kind that like they are okay with us consuming them as long as it's like a respectful transaction, honorable, honorable and respectful, and like you know that they're you know, it's like it's like this unspoken

contract thing. I don't remember where I heard that. I think the best representation of this is like that episode of Full Metal Alchemist's Brotherhood, which one where they're like, remember they had the teacher who had the husband who was

like the butcher dude or whatever. Yeah, and the teacher makes them like go out in the wilderness for a month or something like that, and by the end of the episode they're starting to see like, oh my god, life consumes life and like it's the grand scheme of things and that that's a really cool episode. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, that's my philosophy, Like I'm okay stabbing a fish as long as I'm gonna like, I'm gonna cook it and eat it and feed others with it, you know, right.

And I I've eaten fish that I've caught. I've also sent a lot of fish back. And every time I feel bad, I fight them, fight them, fight them, get them in the boat. Take the picture. Thank you, Thank you for that experience. Thank you the fight little buddy. You're going back and then you sit there and you have to like you kind of hold them in the water, and you get them wake up

a little bit, and then they get and then they swim off. You don't just like yeah, And then sometimes you're fighting fish and it's usually the fish you can't eat anyway. Yeah, one time I had a fish die while we're trying to get the hook out of its mouth. And so what do we do, right, You can't eat it, Chop it up, turn it into bait, bait? Yeah, other fish, other fish, you know. Yeah, I feel like That's when I used to go fishing

with my uncle and my uncle Steve in Topsail Island. Uh, we would we would do that exact thing, Like we would go out at like six am into the sound into like and we would use a cast net and get shrimp, and then we pull up the shrimp and then we'd like you know, turn the shrimp into bait, go out into the channel, and then we catch little fish with the shrimp, and then we'd get those fish and turn those fish into bait, and then we go out into the he calls

it the big Blue. We go out to the Big Blue and that's where we would catch the ship that we were gonna eat. Dude, that sounds like a real grind. It's a grind. Oh, it's a grind because like I just explained that in thirty seconds, but that is like eight hours the whole day. That's a whole day just to get to the point where you're in the ocean, like, let's fish now, Yeah, exactly. Now we're really gonna start fishing, Like now you're about to catch the big

ship. I watched my uncle fight a sh shark like on a off of a pier, like fight a shark for four hours trying to reel it up and then the line broke. Dude. One of my best fights ever was a was a baby shark mayby in the in the Inner Coastal Waterway. Oh, that's sick. Yeah, it was probably about three feet long. Was that off a pier? No, it wasn't the boat. Oh and I mean it bit and yeah, and I'm like, oh my god, how long were you fighting it? Not four hours? Uh? Maybe maybe I

got ten minutes. I that's even that even sounds like an unfathomably long time to fight a fish. Yeah. Then you're like, then you're you have to manage all the other lines you've got in the water, and everybody else, like the other person on the boat's got to reel everything in to make room for you and this fish to swim around. But I have a picture of me and a citation redfish. This redfish was forty two inches and damn forty some pounds forty eight Oh my god, Broy, that is your dog.

Yeah yeah, I'll show you guys the picture of it. But that fight was like even better. So I don't know if y'all remember this, but when I was growing up, up until I was about ten or eleven years old, we had a house here at Carolina Beach, so we would go out fishing in the ocean a lot or jet skis or whatever. And on my eighth birthday, my dad and my uncle Leo took me out fishing on the boat and I caught eight baby sharks on my eighth birthday. No,

that's cool, that's so sick. Yep. Do you have any like mementos or anything like do you have a picture of it? No? No, you know my mom wasn't there. It survives as an epic memory. Yeah, that's that is that's dope. Yep. I stopped at eight. Yeah. Yeah, so, I mean I'm looking forward to that kind of stuff. I'm also looking forward this. Wellington has a really really amazing art scene, and I'm really looking forward to that for Oh yeah, my wife,

I mean even just coming here for the past. She belongs here, bro. Yeah she really There's not much of like a pop and art scene in Fayetteville, you know, and even just coming here the past few years, she has made so many connections with people around town that like love her work and want to sell her stuff, and like, it's just I'm excited for her to finally have like a scene of her people of people just like her. You know, are you just throwing me a picture of the fish?

Throw here? Oh? Wow? I didn't want to hit my mic Oh dude, that's huge. Yeah, well let me see, dude, son, what kind is that? Redfish? Bull? Red nice red drum? Dude? You I don't know if I've ever seen you look this read redfish bluefish. Have you seen there's a trend where it's like, uh, my father the day I got married, or my father the day I was born. It's just like a mild smile and my father catching a fish, and it's like that's you. Will wait until your wedding photos and then we'll

make that meme for you. Bro. That's a big that's a big and you should drop that photo in the episode. Yeah, hold it up, just show it on the camera. I don't know if they'll be able to see it. Yeah you should. You should drop that in bro. All right, all right, we love y'all. We hope you enjoyed. Yeah, we love you guys more than you can fathom. We love you more than you love us. One would hope real extreme. That might be honestly tough to be honest about because they all know us, but we don't.

We don't know all of them. Yeah, I love I love all of them, every last one. I love I love you more than you love yourself. I love you more than you love your mom and dad. Okay, that's a lot, that's a lot. I'm just throwing it out there. It's not it's not true. It's not it's really not. Kno your mouth, but you know it is true. You know what is true though what I do love them? You too, I love them too. Yeah,

that's something like we all have in common. All right. Bye guys, Bye, guys, guys, love you more than you love yourself. Weird things happen in the backyard of Bletsoe House. And see it over the sin look up. It's so weird. You're coming closer to us here stays straight up like smiling on the inside of it. No one knows. Mad, Wow, just come right over, come sord you be. Ain't happier the happ