Hello, this is Healthy High Performance and I am your host, Hannah Kissel. And today I am just so thrilled to be talking about one of my favorite topics, which is how to set boundaries without feeling like a bitch. And I'm going to walk you through the six step process that I use, that I take my clients through about how to actually do this so that you don't feel like... You are rude, you're selfish, you don't feel shame when you set boundaries.
And to really kick it off, I wanted to start actually just talking about what is a boundary? Because I think that a lot of people get pretty confused on what a boundary is. And a lot of people think that setting boundaries is just like you being a bad bitch telling people to, you know, you can't treat me like this or all these like really, really intense things. And I think that sometimes people get scared of the word boundary because they don't actually know what a boundary means.
And so a boundary is really a limit that you set between yourself and other people due to thoughts, activities, and things that aren't in your best interest. And at the heart of boundaries, it's really about self -preservation. So it's really about preserving the thing that is most special in your life, which is ultimately you.
And people think that boundaries is about other people, that boundaries are about other people, that boundaries are about keeping other people out or telling people how to treat you, et cetera. But boundaries are really there to keep you safe. And they're there so that your ultimate purpose, your ultimate way of living, your joy, that can all be fulfilled because you are deciding what comes into your life and what doesn't come into your life.
So really, ultimately, boundaries are about self -preservation. And I think that a lot of times, yeah, that really does get missed. And we think that boundaries, again, are something, are always external. But a lot of times, all boundaries really are internal about how people treat you, about how you treat yourself. We're gonna get into that in a little bit. So I'm going to walk you through, like, these are indicators that you need boundaries.
And that could be like you, You consistently neglect self care. And by that, I mean, you don't work out when you say that you want to work out. You're constantly under slept. You don't nourish yourself properly. Maybe you are running around. You're forgetting to eat. You're hopping from meeting to meeting. You're like grabbing something on the go, maybe like walking into Woolies. Or if you are in the US, maybe Trader Joe's or Whole Foods and you're just like.
smashing chips on your way to other meetings. So neglecting self -care is a real indication that you need boundaries. Another one is that you're constantly people pleasing and you feel like your calendar is filled with one -year -old birthday parties that you don't want to go to. You don't really know how to say no to people. And that then leads to resentment. And resentment is a huge, huge indicator that you also need boundaries.
So anytime you feel resentment, anytime you feel like, It's not fair, I shouldn't have to do this. Why is this happening to me? Like I don't like that I'm having to do this activity or go to this family thing. That is a real indicator that a boundary needs to be put in place. Other signs that you need boundaries are exhaustion, overwhelm, avoidance.
So just not answering people, just not people maybe message you for plans or ask you to do something and you just don't even feel like you have the energy. to respond, that's a huge one. I know that's also been a huge one in my life that I've really had to work on over the years. Rescuing is a great indication that you need some boundaries put in place. You're constantly trying to help people that don't really ask for it. You're giving advice to friends when they're not coming to you for advice.
You're trying to solve the situation. You're really taking on other people's pain like a family member and you're thinking, my God, what's gonna happen to them? That's a good sign that you need boundaries and then anger. So you could be really angry at your partner. You could be angry at your child. You could be angry at your boss. You could be angry at your best friend. You could be angry at your stakeholders.
But if there is kind of anger that, let's say, comes at times where you're like, wow, this is a really interesting reaction, that anger is happening, that's another indication that you need boundaries. So I'm going to walk you through. the six step process that I love. And this is, there's an acronym and it's by Dr. Rebecca Ray. And I've researched and tried so many different ways of finding boundaries or of setting boundaries with my clients.
But I would say this is a way that I found really easy to remember. And it's a way that I think just kind of covers everything. So the acronym is limits. And the first step, step one is leader. So it's really, identifying or finding that inner part of you that is a leader. And if you can't access that part, think about someone in your life that really acts like that. So say, for example, for me, there's this woman that I used to work with, her name is Claire, and she was on a team with me.
And I just remember Claire had, she just had this really unfuckwithable energy. And it was like people, wouldn't necessarily, I knew that people just wouldn't mess with her. I knew that people wouldn't ask her to do things that they would ask me to do. And I knew that her clients all respected her. And before I really started getting into this work, I didn't realize that what that energy is, is actually very high self -esteem of someone that just knows who they are. They have that energy.
People don't fuck with them. People respect them. And you just know that no matter what, people are going to show up and treat them with that most respect. And you could then think about someone who people don't necessarily respect. And I know that everyone's probably coming up with, you know, probably a woman that's like a run rabbit in the workplace that just does everything that's trying to take on every project, remember everyone's birthday.
Or if they're an entrepreneur, they're just bending over backwards for clients or never setting boundaries. Clients are calling them at all hours of the day. Their prices are really low. And you can think of these two opposites. So when you want to set a boundary, step one is really finding that inner leader. So that inner Claire that's like, no, I know that I'm worth it. I know that I can do this. I know that I'm worth respect. I know that I'm worthy. So then moving on to step two, which is.
Identifying the boundary. So this is a really interesting one because you need to understand is the boundary internal or with you. So say for example, an internal boundary could be I work out four times a week or for me it's I work on my novel four times a week. I'm also a fiction writer as well as a life coach and it could be I work on my novel four times a week or another one that I have is I work out four times a week. I meditate twice a day. So these are internal boundaries.
I keep them with myself. They don't necessarily involve anyone else. An external boundary could be with someone else. So say, for example, I've worked with clients who have angry spouses, or maybe they're the ones that also erupt in anger. So an external boundary could be, if you raise your voice, then I'm going to leave the room. Or it could be, I am... completely filled with projects right now.
So if you add another project, if you're saying this to one of your leaders, if you add another project to me, then I need to take something else off my plate. Or it could be, no, we only do two play dates a week for your son or for your daughter or, you know, your non -identifying child. So it could be an external boundary is with other people. And you need to understand that what is the boundaries job?
So is the boundary there to protect, and pretty much all boundaries are there to protect your time, to protect your energy, to protect your wellbeing, but you need to understand, okay, is this an internal boundary or is this an external boundary? If it is an external boundary, this comes to step three, which is you need to make the boundary known. So you actually have to communicate the boundary. And this is one that a lot of people miss.
So a lot of people get, think that boundaries, think that people can just mind read. And so say, for example, if you're dealing with something at home, like your partner and you really want them to clean the dish, wash the dishes, and it's been a rough day, you feel like you do all the cooking and you're asking them, okay, can you just wash the dishes?
But then when they don't wash the dishes, then you get super resentful and you're like, fuck them, I can't believe they didn't wash the dishes again. when actually you've never communicated that. So in this, it has to be making the boundary known. And there are different ways to do this. I may walk through this in another episode. My favorite way to do this is through nonviolent communication. That's a very good format if you're wondering actually tactically how to go into it.
And when you make the boundary known, also it's like someone can agree to your boundary and they can adhere to it, or they can actually disregard the boundary. And then what that really is, is that is more data for you to gather on this person, on how does someone react, how does someone respond, is it someone I want to continue a relationship with, all those things. So if you make the boundary known, but let's say the boundary is internal.
So it is like, I work out four times a week, or I work on my fiction writing four times a week, or I meditate twice a day. If I'm really struggling with those things, meeting those things, then a good question to ask yourself is, do you need accountability for that? Okay, if you do need accountability, how do you get that accountability? Could that be with a coach? Could that be with a friend? Could that be with a therapist, et cetera?
So if you're struggling with internal boundaries, so you can't ever meet your own boundaries, then I would start to look at other ways to outsource and other ways to bring in support. So this is bringing us to the fourth step. which is introduce consequences. So boundaries do need, if you are expressing them, they do need consequences.
So say for example, the example before of with a client, let's say their spouse gets angry, maybe raises their voice, the consequence is I will leave the room if you raise your voice. I could think of many things like with my family, I've needed to introduce consequences as well of, Yeah, I'll leave or I don't really, I prefer if you didn't talk about that topic, a consequence. I'm just trying to think of with my dog. Like if my dog, he begs sometimes at the table.
So what we do is we tether him while we're eating dinner. That's a consequence. So if he starts to begging, if he starts to beg, we do have a consequence for him. But the consequences also need to be known. So a lot of times as well, people won't actually introduce their consequences, then they're just passive aggressive. They're not communicating things with people. So it has to be like, if you do this, then I will do this. So if you raise your voice, I will leave the room.
And everyone needs to understand what the consequences are in the relationship. Then the fifth step is take a stand. So this is reasserting. And oftentimes what happens is people just at the boundary once and then they will think that they never have to set it again. And it was so funny because one of my clients, we were going through this. We do a lot of boundary work in my group program, the life and work transformation.
Boundaries are a huge section because boundaries are really in my opinion, they are really the key to high self -esteem. And one of my beautiful clients just said, I never knew that you actually had to say boundary again. that you had to reassert yourself. I thought that I just needed to say it once and then it was, that was all I have to do.
And if you think about, especially if you've had a 30 year relationship, let's say a boundary with your mother or a boundary with your sister, if you're 35 years old, you have acted this way for 35 years, the likelihood that they are going to change just after you bringing something up one single time is very low.
So you, like especially let's say in romantic partnerships, if you guys have been together for a while and you have a certain way of being, saying something just one time isn't going to cut it. So you're going to constantly need to reassert yourself. You're going to constantly need to say the boundary again. So again, will you help me with the dishes? Or again, hey, I actually can't take on any more work. I'm looking at facing burnout. Could I take something off my plate?
Or here's my Trello board of all the projects that I have to work on. If you need me to take on another project, then we're going to have to drop something. So again, you're just constantly communicating. Like for me with clients, let's say, for example, I don't respond past 6 p or I don't respond on weekends as well. So if they message me, if they message me on a weekend, then I just get back to them on the Monday. So with boundaries, you're constantly teaching people how to treat you.
And in this step, when you're taking a stand and when you're reasserting yourself, again, you are teaching someone how to treat you. You are teaching someone how to interact with you. Which then brings us to the last step, which is status check. So are these boundaries reflective of your current life? And this means that you might have a boundary, like let's say I don't work on weekends. That was a huge boundary of mine when I was in corporate, when I worked at LinkedIn.
I would say, you know, I don't work on weekends. I work, I don't work past six. I mean, sometimes I had to have calls in Europe, but that if I did, that was fine. But it was like, generally I didn't work on weekends. I didn't bring my work home with me at night. That has definitely changed since I've gone into entrepreneurship. Now it's like, I'll do some work on weekends. I'll do some work at night. My schedule is definitely not nine to five. I walk my dog during the day.
I work out during the day. So again, these boundaries that were once really fit when I was working in corporate, now don't really fit when I was in entrepreneurship. And so those are mainly internal boundaries like we spoke about, but external boundaries might change as well. So it might say you might one time say to clients, I don't respond to you at night, but then actually emailing at night could be a fit for you at a different time in your career.
Maybe you've got young children, they're going to bed, et cetera. So we need to always be questioning. Are these boundaries reflective of my current life? Do they fit with what I want for my life? And they can change. And I think that that's something like a lot of times people think that boundaries are really rigid and that once you set a boundary, it's that way for the rest of your life. Boundaries can always change. You can always say no when you want to, you can always reassess them.
And I think that... Being flexible with this is going to allow you to mess up with these things and also understanding that boundaries are a skill. So this is a skill that can be developed over time. This is like essentially learning a new language. You're not going to be perfect at it right away, but the more you practice it, the easier it's going to become. So to summarize everything, these are the six steps. So an acronym is limits.
So one, leader, understand who you are, the leader that you want to be before setting the boundary. Step two, identifying the boundary. Is it an internal boundary? Is it an external boundary? Is there a change in the relationship? Step three, make the boundary known, whether that's with a person, whether that's with yourself. If it's with yourself and you're continually having trouble on it, then you might say, you might start to introduce some accountability with either coach or a therapist.
Four, introduce consequences. So if this happens, I will do this. And making sure the other person understands the consequences. Step five, taking a stand, which is reasserting your boundary, repeating the boundary, understanding that it's not just one and done. You will continually have to say it. Step six, status check. Are these boundaries reflective of your current life? Do they fit within your current life? Do they need to be adjusted? And...
All of these, again, just to bring it back to the beginning, all of these things with boundaries are really to help you live a life that is on purpose, live a life with high self -esteem, live a life that feels really good to you. And I also want to just touch quickly on boundary violators. So this is some understanding what happens when people react to your boundary. And...
When setting a boundary with someone else, I heard this quote once and I just absolutely loved it, which was, would you rather be uncomfortable for three minutes or three years? And just understanding that this is really uncomfortable and you might feel shame and you might feel selfish, especially when you're doing it. This is something that is something that I like to call afterburn. So just the feeling of, yeah, shame that you're going to get and just know that's part of the process.
But with... someone who's violating your boundary. So with someone who you're explaining the boundary to and they're not necessarily following it or they're reacting really poorly or they're saying things like, you know, you're being really selfish or what happened to my nice girl or you've changed.
When someone sets a boundary with when you set a boundary with someone and they don't respect it, just understand how someone reacts to a boundary is really a reaction of their health and their emotional maturity. So it doesn't necessarily, it's not a reflection on you, it's actually a reflection on them and how they handle it. And again, this is just more data for you to understand what being in a relationship with this person is like.
You can evaluate if this is a person that you want to continue being in a relationship with, which is very hard if you're looking at this through the lens of a family context, I definitely, I know that that can be really difficult. But with boundary violators, it's really important to, stay consistent, really be firm and maintain your stand during pushback and just continue to remind people of boundaries when they forget. So again, like I said before, taking a stand, reasserting yourself.
And I really just want to leave you with, you are the owner of your own life and you really teach people how to treat you. And if you feel like you're exhausted and ragged and you have no time for yourself, just know that this is your life and you get to do what you want with it. And the more you put in boundaries, the more your life will be less cluttered and less distracted. People who don't like your boundaries will lose interest.
This is really here for you, for freedom to really build your self -esteem. I really truly believe that boundaries are the way to high self -esteem. and you deserve a life where you feel joyous, where you feel free. And so I will just close with that. And I will say that this, yeah, again, this is a skill and this is a difficult skill and I'm here for you if you need more support. I did host a Boundary class recently. It was a master class. It was really great.
We covered some of this content and so much more. So if you want a copy of this Boundary Master Class, please just DM me over Instagram. I'm at Hannah Mae Kissel, or you could send me on LinkedIn. I'm Hannah Kissel and just say Boundary Podcasts. And I will send you a free recording of this masterclass. I'm so excited to do that. And just updates for me on my business. My amazing program, The Life and Work Transformation is opening again soon. It starts on July 12th.
And so, Doors are going to be opening, yeah, very soon. And this is exactly what we do. So it's a 20 -week program and it's for high performers who want to feel empowered, who want to feel free, who want to feel like confident and step into their power and their life, their career, their relationships. Boundaries is a huge, huge component of this. It's something that we do cover very extensively in the program. So if you are interested in that, send me a DM and thank you so much.
Go set a boundary. Don't feel like a bitch. I'm here rooting for you. You can fucking do this. And if you like this, please, please share it with a friend. That is how I grow. And if you don't like this, then yeah, I don't really want to hear about that, but I hope that you do. And I hope that you have a beautiful day.