Hello and welcome to Healthy High Performance with Hannah Kissel. I am so happy that you are here. I just got off of a Boundary webinar. I posted a webinar, How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Bitch. And I am slightly buzzing right now because I absolutely... just love public speaking. I love being with groups of people. It was mostly women, but there are a few men here and there, and it was just, yeah, it was just an epic, epic masterclass.
And I will be hosting another masterclass on confidence coming up at the end of this month, at the end of June, or the end of next month. So keep your eyes peeled for that. But today I wanted to get into, it's definitely a bit more of a personal topic. And on Sunday at the time of recording May 19th, I, or on May 19th, which was on Sunday, I celebrated seven years of sobriety.
And so getting sober and giving up alcohol and every other extracurricular activity has definitely been one of the most, transformative things of my life, as well as not, it's definitely not the hardest, but one of the hardest. I think that when I got sober, I didn't quite realize that I would have to change my entire life and I would have to change my friends. I would have to change what I did.
I would have to change kind of the whole ethos of how I showed up in the world in order to become who I was going to become. And I remember a really pivotal program. or not program, a pivotal moment with my therapist, actually, my former therapist. And I just said to her one day, do you think that I have a problem with drinking? And she said, people that don't have a drinking problem don't ask that question. And that was one of the major turning points in my life.
And it was about six months later that I realized that I needed to get sober. And, that I was never going to become who I was meant to be if alcohol was still there. And I would say single -handedly getting sober has been one of the greatest things I've ever done in my whole life.
It probably is one of the most important things in my life, if not the most important thing, because I really think that without my sobriety, I don't have... I don't have my beautiful, healthy relationship with my amazing partner. I don't have my business. I'm not a present friend. I think that it has really made me who I am. And so today I wanted to go into seven lessons that I have learned in the seven years of sobriety.
So... Lesson one, and also I think that these can be applied while they're definitely in my sobriety journey, they can be applied in any type of self -development. They can definitely be applied to running your own business and entrepreneurship, as well as if you are a leader in corporate or if you just want to develop at all and you are looking at any sort of healthy high performance, these seven rules definitely apply.
So. Lesson number one is that sometimes things get worse before they get better. And I would definitely say that that's true really of most self -development is that when you start looking at yourself, when you start looking at your patterns and your behaviors, that it can be very uncomfortable work. And oftentimes, You know, like the lotus flower, you've got to go through the shit. You've got to go through the mud in order to blossom. And things really did get worse for me when I got sober.
I got a lot of, I had a lot of health issues. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I had extreme chronic fatigue. It was pretty fucking horrible. And then I got like, I was diagnosed with PTSD and complex PTSD. And that really begun my healing journey and my journey to becoming a coach, which is why I am now. And I think that if I hadn't stayed the course, so if I hadn't known that sometimes things do really get worse before they get better, and this can be true of anything.
This can be true of starting your own business. It can be true of getting divorced. It can be true of going into leadership or having a child. And... I'm just so happy that I stayed, that I kept continuing on because I knew that I wanted something greater for my life. And I knew that it only was going to happen if I stayed sober and if I did this one thing. So moving into lesson number two, boundaries are the key to high self -esteem.
And I truly, truly believe if you want strong boundaries or if you want to raise your self -esteem, you need strong boundaries. That's it. That is the way that you are going to call in what you want in terms of your career, in terms of your pay, in terms of the type of partnership that you want, in terms of the friendships that you want, in terms of the relationships that you want with your children. When you have strong boundaries, and those are both internal boundaries and external boundaries.
So internal boundaries are boundaries that you set with yourself. Like I sleep seven to eight hours a night. I work out four times a week. I meditate twice a day. I write, I work on my creative writing four times a week. Those are all my internal boundaries. My external boundaries are I don't allow people to disrespect me, to yell at me, to speak in inappropriate ways to me. If that does happen, then I leave.
So again, this isn't a boundary episode, but I actually am going to be recording a boundary episode next. So. Just realizing that yeah, boundaries are the key to high self -esteem. They're single -handedly doing work on boundaries has transformed my fucking life. And also not drinking is an internal boundary of mine. It's a boundary that I do not cross. So it's a boundary that I have said, you know, this is not what I want for my life, et cetera.
So going on to lesson number three, you can change your whole life with the right mentors. And... I think that includes, you know, I have this, this like mentorship or in 12 step, we call it sponsorship. I definitely could not have gotten sober without sponsorship. I could not have gotten to where I am in my business without the right coaches, without the right support, even without the right therapists. Like it's my therapist, my former therapist really helped me change my life.
She helped me transform all of my relationship patterns. I fundamentally believe that we readjusted my attachment style from highly anxious attachment to secure. Also, it helps if you have a secure partner, which I do. But I believe that you can transform if you get the right help. And this is why I am so, so... I think that mentorship is one of the most important things, whether that's a therapist, whether that's a coach, whether that's a business coach, whether that's even an indirect mentor.
It is something that you will shortcut, you can transform, but it is something that also usually requires investment, but some of the best money I've ever spent, and I could put a down payment on, I feel like a mansion right now in Bondi Beach. with the amount of money that I've spent on coaching and therapy. But I also have a lot of trauma and not everyone needs to do that.
Definitely I don't think that everyone necessarily needs intensive coaching or therapy, but I do think that the more trauma that you have, including big T trauma, the more support that you're going to need in order to transcend that. So going to lesson number four, the risk is worth it if you back yourself. And I think that... When I was about to get sober, it wasn't a risk.
It definitely wasn't a risk because I didn't kind of realize that this was what my life needed to do or what I needed to do with my life. But I had to really back myself and I had to really just say, you know what? No, no more. I'm changing my friendship circles. I'm changing the way I show up. I'm going against the grain here. And I got sober at 27 when... people and I'm was an expat. I still am an expat. I'm American. I'm from LA. I live in Australia and it wasn't the norm to get sober.
Like it definitely, it definitely wasn't like people were still partying. People were still having fun. A lot of my friends were expats. The majority of my friends were expats working in tech. So everyone had a lot of money. Everyone had a lot of access and We're having a great time until it actually wasn't really a great time. But it was like just realizing that I fully back myself in doing this. And I've thought about that this in my business as well.
Like I definitely took a risk leaving corporate, leaving LinkedIn after seven years and just saying, you know, no, I'm going to start my own business, but I do back myself. And I think that that's where the inner confidence is. And that's where the inner knowing of like, I know what is going to be the best for my life. Other people don't necessarily know that. And I remember people were like, why are you stopping drinking? Like you don't have a problem.
Some of my other friends really, you definitely have a problem and just stop drinking. But a lot of people, I think that when someone stops and behaving a certain way, especially going against the norm, it causes people to self -reflect. And I think it made things really uncomfortable for some people. And, but that didn't really matter because I had to back myself and I had to say that this is going to be the right thing for me. I know it's the right thing for me.
Which then leads me to the next lesson, lesson number five, which is you don't need to hit rock bottom to ask for help. So your whole life doesn't need to blow up for you to stop drinking or for you to work with a coach or for you to like decide to change your career or that you're unhappy and you want to leave your marriage or something like that. Like it doesn't have to get so bad. And I think that is kind of a misconception of like, you know, things aren't really that bad yet.
Like things aren't the worst that they could get. And with my drinking, I still had a job. I was still performing very well. I still, you know, I had a lot of money. I had my health. Like it wasn't like things weren't, it wasn't like things were hitting rock bottom, but I think emotionally I hit rock bottom and emotionally I knew. that I'm never going to get to where I want in life if I continue drinking. And I had so many huge dreams. And I still do have so many huge dreams.
I have huge dreams of taking my company. I mean, my company does already operate all around the world. I do have clients in so many different countries, but really getting huge volume, impacting so many people's lives, like working with. so many people and transforming them and having them be healthier and happier and have firm boundaries and have high self -esteem and have clarity and have confidence. That's what I really want for my life.
And I just knew you are meant for so much more than what your life is right now. And that includes how you're showing up in the world. That includes your drinking. That includes all of your behaviors that come with it. And this is definitely, and I knew like this behavior is below who I want to be. And so I see that with clients a lot too of like, when they come to me, like they would say, I am not who I want to be. I'm not how I want to show up. I know that there is something.
I know that there's a really powerful person behind this. I know that there's a confident person. I know there's a better life for me. I know that I'm, you know, in feast famine and procrastinating or have really intense anger, or I just have constant people pleasing. And I'm always saying yes to shit that I don't want to do. And I think that that was me with drinking. It was like, I know. that there is something so much better beyond this. And that's what I want to find out.
And that's why I got sober, because I wanted to see what was on the other side of my fear. I wanted to see what was waiting for me on the other side of this. And it has been so unbelievable. Like my life now has been, you know, just a huge transformation. I got my master's in creative writing. I'm working on the third draft of my novel. I am in... a beautiful, like such a loving, gorgeous relationship with the most beautiful man. I have a really thriving, healthy business.
And these are just things that I couldn't, you know, I didn't really necessarily think were on offer for me. And so it doesn't need to get so bad that you... wait until you ask. And I highly encourage anyone who like thinks, well, maybe, you know, it's not that bad. If you're saying it's not that bad in your life, then that's an indicator that things could get a lot better. And that's an indicator that you need to ask for help. Which brings me to lesson number six.
So community is crucial for lasting change. And I truly believe that we get hurt by people, but we also get healed by people. And I think that, you know, I'm very active in the 12 step community. It has saved my life. And what I wanted to do was like, be a part of a group that had the desired outcome. So in 12 step, when I would go in, there were a lot of people with very long -term sobriety. And I just thought that's what I want. I want long -term sobriety. I want a thriving career.
I want a healthy marriage. I want, you know, a lot of... success, but mostly I just wanted inner peace. And I think that that there's no, that is the most attractive thing. Someone's energy, when someone feels totally at peace with themselves, when someone feels calm, when they feel like they're strong in the world, there's nothing, there really is nothing more beautiful than that. There's nothing more attractive than that.
And I do think that, When you're held by a community and especially if you want to do any type of transformation, you need to join or not that you need to, but a huge shortcut is joining community where people have the desired outcome that you want. So for example, I didn't know how to be an entrepreneur. I didn't know how to do any of that.
I didn't know anything about copywriting or email marketing, or I knew, I knew a lot about sales, but selling software is very big, like very different than selling your life coaching services. And I was in software sales for my whole career. So I had to learn what it was to be an entrepreneur. And that's why I joined communities. And similar, I had to learn what it was like to live a sober life.
And I had to learn what it was like to show up as a sober woman, to show up with utter dignity and respect and integrity in everything that I did. And I learned that from the women around me, from the women who said, no, we don't do that anymore. We don't behave like that anymore. You... take responsibility for your actions. This is a program for living and really, really working with people who I admired, working with people who I respected.
And I also see this a lot that, a lot of people, I see this a lot in my group coaching program, the Life and Work Transformation, which is that, A lot of times we get hurt by people and this could be family, this could be teachers, this could be an ex -partner or whatever who maybe said that you weren't good enough or who maybe said that you were stupid or about artist or no one, you know, whatever love you or, you know, just horrible things that everyone kind of goes
through the world and we pick up these things. And what I've noticed is that when you're in a group with healthy people that all have the same goal that... There is so much healing that can be happening. And I see this in my group program because a lot of people come in and they have really strong people pleasing tendencies or strong rescuing tendencies, or they feel like, you know, no one will love them if they step into their power.
And then what happens when they're around a group of supported people is that they fully blossom. And I saw that with my sobriety. It was like when I was around supported people, when I was allowed to be held, even when I was falling apart. And I fell apart many times throughout my sobriety that I could be held with them and they would catch me and they could be my strength when I didn't have it myself.
And then someone did say to me, someone in my group coaching program said something similar of like, I really realized that I could be me. And I really realized that I could step into my power and that I could be loved and I could still be supported. And I finally found my people. And I absolutely love that. And I want that for everyone. Which brings me to number seven. which is only take advice from people who have what you want.
And so I think that this is something huge in the 12 step community, especially when you're looking for sponsorship. It's like, ask someone that you want to sponsor you who has what you want. And so what does that mean for their relationship? What does that mean for their life? A lot of that comes down to spirituality, the energy that they have, the confidence that they have, the inner peace that they have. And I think that I've worked with some amazing women in sponsorship who have what I want.
And I also sponsor women in 12 step recovery. But then I think that this really has extended throughout my whole life. So I only work with business coaches who have the types of businesses that I want with therapists who have what I want, who are also doing the work. And I think that this is really important. I only take advice from friends that are in healthy, loving relationships.
It's like if you have a friend who has toxic relationships and their relationship history is a fucking dumpster fire. It's like, don't take advice from them. They are not the people to go to for relationship advice. Similar with business, it's like, my dad's a lawyer trying to give, well, my dad actually has his own business, but my dad does not have his own coaching business. He has his own law practice. So the advice that my father is going to give me is very different.
So you want to be taking advice from people who have what you want in the things that you want. only and then only going to people for that. So something else that I see in my coaching practices, like when people go to just like every Tom, Dick and Harry for advice, it's like, okay, who, you know, who, what does Rachel think about this? What does Wendy think about this? What does Bob think about this? And like, why the fuck do you hear what Bob thinks? Bob has never done any of this.
So it's like really being clear that I only go to people who have what I want. And those are the people that I take advice from. And that group is very small. It is, it's a very, very small group of people. And it's usually like my, my therapist and my coaches and sometimes my partner and you know, like very few select friends, but not even really friends because, yeah, the things that I'm trying to grow right now in my life, a lot of my friends haven't done before.
So a lot of my friends aren't entrepreneurs. They don't have their own business. A lot of, a lot of them are in healthy marriages. So then there I do go to, relate for relationship advice, but this is really crucial. So think to yourself, am I just going to anyone for advice or am I actually being really intentional of who gets to support me?
And so those are the seven lessons, the seven lessons that have changed my life, the seven lessons that have helped me get to where I am today to celebrate seven years of sobriety. And I am so, so grateful that This is the path that I'm on, that this is the track that I show up in the world, that I'm a sober woman. And please let me know if these helped. I love hearing from people. So if this helped, send me a DM. If you think this could be helpful to someone, please share it.
That's how I'm going to grow this little baby up. Word of mouth is the biggest thing. So if you... Yeah, if you could share this with someone, if you could please subscribe, I would absolutely love that. And I am going to be hosting a masterclass on confidence that is coming up soon. So be sure to follow me on socials for all of that. And I will see you guys later.