Brother. Welcome to the Be The Torch podcast. You have been sold a lie. The lie that you, especially if you are a man who's gone through a divorce and now you have your children on your own, I don't care if you're in a relationship or not. Bottom line is you had children with someone else. You are no longer with that person, and you have either shared custody or some level of of custody of your children. You've been sold a lie.
And a lie is this, that you can give a hundred percent of you to your business, that you can give a hundred percent to your children, and that you can give a hundred percent to yourself. That's 300%. You're just one guy. And so that. Challenge of trying to split your time between those three pillars is impossible, and it's overwhelming. It's draining, and it's suffocating dudes just like you.
So that's why I'm glad you're here because we're gonna work through this and in the brief amount of time that we have here on the podcast really. I wanna recognize that this is not what is taught. This is not what a lot of the information that's out there is about how to save your marriage, how to have a thriving marriage, how to have a, have a thriving business, how to grow your business. No one ever talks about this stuff that gets swept under the rug, which is, man, I lost it all.
Now what the hell do I do? And so you have contributed to the situation that you're in now. So we need to get to a place where we can get to the, the darkness, meet you there, and start to work your way up towards seeing the light in this episode here, fellas. I'm gonna speak directly to this real problem of an impossible triangle. Your business, your kids, and you. And the challenge is, is, is the, you know, the, the business men are mainly, that's our number one.
And unfortunately, when you go through a divorce, the, the, the oftentimes the. Partner, you're, you're now co-parent maybe their attorneys, if they have 'em, or judges if you went that route. They're all looking at the fact that, oh yeah, the business is your number one. And so we will award the custody in proportion to the amount of time that you have because you're busy with your business. I'm not getting into any of that legality stuff. That's not what I'm here to do.
What I am here to do is just recognize that I get it and that's painful. I've been down that path. And I also know your passion, your drive to grow your business, and that you want show up fully for it. And I also know if you're here, you're also passionate about being a father and you wanna show up fully for your kids. And I also recognize in the third leg of this triangle here is that you're starting over. Do not swipe that under the rug. You're starting over. You're rebuilding a house.
You're rebuilding a relationship with your kids in a different way because maybe you only have them part-time or halftime or whatever it is. You're rebuilding yourself as a man who's coming out of divorce, or if you've been indoors for, you know, many years then you're, you're still like, okay, I want to maybe find a new relationship or find a new community of friends. It's just you are rebuilding.
So there's three pieces to this triangle and really it, it's, it's impossible to try and be one person to all those things. And unfortunately. No one talks about this, so let's talk about it. Let, let's, let's recognize that it's not easy and let's figure out how to do this. So every hour, ultimately that you spend in your business robs you of. Yourself and your kids. Every hour you spend on yourself robs you of your, of your business and your kids.
Every hour you spend on the kids robs you of yourself and your bus. You know, you can see how it all goes down, especially when you haven't seen the kids for a week or whatever, determined time. You have not seen them, and you wanna pour into 'em because you miss them, and you want to have that connection. You want to build a relationship with them with the limited amount of time that you have. And that can be difficult when you have demands and meetings and tasks to do.
And priorities and business and, and Oh yeah. What happens to you when the kids come? Where do you fit in all that? So we wanna make sure that, that you recognize that this is not easy and you don't have to subscribe to this challenge that, that you're facing. There is a way to, to go about it a bit differently. So what I've done is I've just kind of mapped out. I'm just kind of looking at my map here, ways in which we can. Break this down step-by-step.
I'm gonna create three simple steps just to understand how we can address this and overcome it. So first it's the mindset shift, like everything that's the foundation. And the thing about the mindset shift. Well, two things. Well, number one, you came from this nucleus. We are all together. We're a family mindset, and maybe you had help with your partner, your, your children's mother.
Maybe she was staying at home or maybe she also worked, but also, you know, helped out and you guys were collaborative in that you don't have that anymore, so you can't be thinking along those lines that. Oh, she has it. She's doing the laundry, she's making the meals. She's commu, she's picking up and dropping off and, and now I don't have that. And what the hell do I do? It's, it's a mindset shift. You gotta think about it differently.
Like you are when you have the kids, you are full-time a parent. You're, you're fathering alone. Or, and again, I say that with an asterisk because then a lot of, you're already in a newer relationship and you may have some help and support there. We'll have, we'll have that in a, in a different conversation. 'cause that's an important and delicate piece to be, to be mindful of. So. What we don't wanna do is try to balance things. 'cause I think balance is bogus. You're either growing or dying.
There is no standing still. So it's, it's a losing game to try to balance these things. So step number two is we want to get out of this three legged stool. Like we, we've got these three separate silos that we live in and we want you to become we wanna merge 'em all together into three missions serving one man. You're one man, you just have three important missions in your life. So how you show up in one of them is how you're gonna show up in all of 'em.
And so we want to get out of the silo thinking and merge it into one. You are a singular man and you do have the opportunity to serve each one of these missions. All collectively, as, as you, not as, now I'm dad, now I'm business owner. Now it's like, now I'm in the dating game. I'm trying to go get laid. I'm trying to, you know, whatever it is you're trying to do for yourself, trying to build yourself back up, get in the game, exercise, getting all that. So I'll give you a real example.
Summers are challenging as you probably know where you're trying to work. You got the kids at home when they're with you and you don't have help and or you do have help. You feel guilty because they're doing it and, and not you. And. Look, there's, there's so much rolls into this, but ultimately what it comes down to is this dad guilt and this guilt that I am, I'm, I'm over her serving one mission but not the other.
When in fact, again, we want to have three individual missions that serve into one man in, into you. And I remember, gosh, this was last this was two summers ago. Now time flies and my oldest. he's driving, he's just graduated high school. He's getting ready to move on to college and so he is kind of doing his own thing. And then I got the younger two who are, are a little bit closer together not only in age but also in relationship. And so, and they're just, they're bored outta their minds.
And I'm frustrated 'cause I want 'em off screens. I want him. Doing stuff, but they don't have driver's license. They don't have camps this particular day and they're just, they're all over each other and it's just, I feel myself starting to rise. 'cause I work from home, so I'm trying to work, they're creating chaos. My older one's got his, he's checked out, he's, he's bouncing. And it just, they were needy. They were needed to be fed. I was just massaging the situation. I wasn't present.
I wasn't clear. I had not given specific instructions. It was just like, be quiet, calm down. I'm working. I got stuff to do. I don't have time to deal with that. And so with of course, with them horsing around them arguing the littler one coming in, complaining and, and telling on the other one, it just, it rose my frustration and ultimately my anger. And I wasn't angry at them. I thought I was, wasn't angry at them. I wasn't angry at business.
I was angry at myself 'cause I had not set clear boundaries, clear instructions, so much so that the oldest comes back. And he kind of sees later in the evening, some of the, the horsing around that's going on. He takes a little Nerf ball, he rifles it, it hits me in the face, and I lost it. I lost it on this guy, and he's much bigger than me. However, I lost it on him. And God, man, I tell you what, soon as it came outta my mouth, I just, I automatically just felt pain. Because it wasn't him.
It was me. Yes. He should not have rifled this little Nerf ball off my face. It stung for about a half a second, but everything that built up to that place just released. And boy, I had, I was really angry. I was yelling at him and I felt justified and yelled at him 'cause he hit me in the face. And boy, I had to go back with, with my tail between my legs and really just pour into him about.
Me and how I'm responsible, and I do apologize and just explain to him what the reason why I re reacted that way. And the reason was not him. It was me. And how I didn't set boundaries. I wasn't clear. And it was just, it was refreshing because he was open to listening and I know he was very angry with me after I got angry at him and we were able to come together. So I say all that because.
If you're not intentional, then things are going to get outta hand, and then you're gonna have some old emotions that come up about yourself that you're telling yourself between your head, between your ears that're gonna come out and you're gonna do something that you're, you're not gonna be happy about. So what I want to address is there are, there's a myriad of different. Old patterns, outdated myths that, that continue to exist in, in present day.
And it's just, it all stems from a fog that most of us men have in front of our face because we haven't tapped into feeling, we haven't tapped into what we really feel in these situations. Being divorced or having a business and having to take care of the kids and, you know, having a lot on your plate and not stopping and saying, wow, I got a lot on my plate. This isn't easy.
It's not that I'm weak, it's not that I, I need a lifeline or that I, you know, I, I need anything other than just recognition that, damn, this is hard, dude, and you're doing your best. And then having applicable tools. So what what I'm doing now is I wanna give you a little insight in some of the myths, and then I want to have some tools to help leave you with, first and foremost, that's the the myth that, well, if I just work harder, make more money, that'll take care of all the problems.
You tried that in your marriage and it didn't work. You thought that you could go and build this business and make some money, and that would stop her from complaining. That would give you more time to, to work out, hire a trainer, and take care of your body. That would give you the opportunity to have a, a, a sitter so you can go out on date nights or you can have a nanny at the house.
Like you, you made excuses after excuses as to why you couldn't show up for your wife or your girlfriend, your, your children's mother, and. And here you are again. So we are gonna get rid of those excuses and, you know, recognizing that because you have to work or that if you just work harder, that'll take care of everything else is a myth. It doesn't work really. It just, it ultimately just digs you deeper into the darkness.
And the next thing is, if, if you treat each role individually instead of part, all part of you, that's where guys get tripped up. So. We wanna make sure that you are addressing you, the, you, the, the father role, you, the, the business owner, and you as the individual that wants to take care of yourself. You're all one. And so it's all about connecting with you and getting to know you and making sure that you are the priority first and foremost.
And then the last one is, I will feel less guilty once, whatever, fill in the gap there once the divorce is over, or once I find someone else, or once I can get over into seven figures in my business or the kids graduate high school. You, you know, you could put a long laundry list of, I'll feel less guilty when. Fill in the gap.
We, we want to get rid of that because it's the, the guilt is real and we want to address that at its core, not about want some, some, something outside of yourself that's gonna happen. It's not about anything external, it's all about internal. So that's what we want to be able to address. Okay. Here's what I wanna do, and just five minutes, we're gonna talk through the, through 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 key steps in this framework that I call the Ignite Method.
It, and this is where you can start to recapture time. This is where you can work less and make more money. This is where you can reallocate time that you're putting into small small that you put into small tasks to do things that really aren't in your blue flame. If you're familiar with my blue flame. Zone that what you do best. So we want to reallocate some of that time here, but the first thing that we need to do in order to do that is to get clear on one specific outcome this week.
That can move the needle for you in one of five areas, either in your fortune, you know, your business, in your money, in your family, in your relationship with the kids, your fitness, your body, your focus, your emotional intelligence growing and developing you, and then your foundation, which is your connection to a higher power. So what is one thing that you can do this week to move the needle in one of those areas? That's it. Do not create this big, grandiose plan. That's it.
The second thing we're gonna do is we're gonna ground it with a feeling or into purpose. So when we attach that outcome to a feeling versus the the outcome, it allows it to be in the present moment. Because yes, you have an outcome that you wanna create, and what we want to avoid is saying, well. I'll feel good. I'll feel healthy. I'll feel aligned once I have that outcome. 'cause what if you don't get it? And that's possible. You don't get it.
Doesn't mean you didn't win, doesn't mean you didn't move the needle. So we want to ground it in a feeling that you as the man, as a father, as a business owner would want to experience when you have this, this key outcome that you're gonna have at the end of the week. Okay? And then from that, we're gonna create some. Obviously some necessary actionable plans based on that outcome that you wanna create. What are three, three to five things that you can do this week to move the needle?
Then you want to implement that, so you want to schedule that, put it in your calendar. Your calendar should not just have your. Meetings and your calls and the busy work stuff, it needs to have these items in there. What are three to five things that you would not negotiate on? You put 'em in there to help you move the needle, then you're gonna track and review it. How are you doing? Maybe midweek checking in. And then of course, once you've.
Once you're getting to the, to the to the place where you have everything laid out, it's all clear is you're executing with energy, with fire, with passion. This isn't one foot in, one foot out. You need to be all in. Put yourself all in on this, execute on those three to five items and see what the hell happens by the end of the week. So, I'll give you an example. I had a very successful business owner. He does extremely well in his business makes a ton of money. He's very busy.
He's starting a new project, something in, in FinTech, and he had a goal that he wanted to. Implement a new fitness routine just to kind of help him kickstart his body and his energy. So we, we picked the, the particular pillar, which was fitness. From there, he grounded in, grounded in what he would feel like If you were able to do these things each week at the end of the week, what would he feel like? What, how would it feel? And once he identified that feeling, we locked it in day one.
You're gonna start feeling that today, even though you haven't had it yet. Start feeling it today. Then he put his three, I think he put three, three or four action steps in. Number one, he, he already worked out, but he was gonna add some cardio to his workout later in the day. So he worked out in the morning. He would do some running in the evening, then he was going to do meal planning.
So he was gonna meal plan for the week so he wouldn't have to show up at lunch and go, what the heck do I make? And then maybe even, you know, order out. The other thing that he did is he was going to up a supplement game. So he decided that he was going to do a protein shake and towards kind of the mid afternoon, once he normally felt like a little bit of a energy lull, he would do a protein shake and that would get him primed for his afternoon, evening workout.
That was it, doing those three things to move the needle. Now, it's not like he has any more time than you and I, but what he did was is he identified where in his calendar he could remove time that he was already spending on tasks that someone else could do, or busy work that was for busyness sake, not for actually production, and reallocate that time towards himself and the results speak for themselves. Basically at the end of the week, he's saying, I, I can't ever go back.
I mean, that felt so good. It's not like the dude, you know, his body morphed and, and transitioned in a week. That wasn't the point. The point was, could he commit to himself physically in his fitness and enjoy it to a place where he want to continue to, to have that habit going forward? I want you to know this is not like we are doing anything monumental here.
It's just small tweaks, but what happens is you take 10 hours this week and you apply it to yourself, and the next week you take 10 hours and apply it to yourself. Following week, week after week, you take 10 hours from busyness tasks that are sucking your time, and that can be done for someone that you know makes 10, 15 bucks an hour, and you put that time towards you. Powerful man. Absolutely powerful. So brother, as I mentioned, those three pillars, we wanna bring them all together.
You are one man and you can't be everything to, to everybody. So we really want you to recognize that. You're playing a game. This, this, this balance game this, this triangle game that is gonna cause nothing but pain, overwhelm, exhaustion, and you're gonna feel resentment because of the lack of freedom that you have in your life. It's time to be free. I tell you this, this process is obviously well. Well mapped out. It is battle tested and I wanna bring it to you this coming Thursday.
So on Thursday, August the 14th, 2025, when we recorded this episode, we are having the Guilt to Greatness workshop. This is two, two and a half hours of intensive AI driven and collaborative workshop for men to come together and map out the Ignite method that we just went through. In depth with the help of ai. Yes, I'm gonna be serving you particular prompts. They're gonna help you map out your Ignite method before we get off the call.
So it's a great opportunity for you to hear from other men, see what they're doing, recognize that you're not alone in this, for you to apply the Ignite Method into your life to identify that one thing to help you move the needle next week. I'm talking Monday of next week, but in order to do that, you gotta be there on Thursday. 10:00 AM Pacific, 1:00 AM Eastern, August the 14th. It is a Thursday. Be on. There it is. $10. Guys, I want you to have some skin in the game.
So yes, I'm charging 10 bucks 'cause I want your ass there in the seat 'cause you got money into it. And from there we're gonna get after it. So if you just simply go to Cletus coffee.com/gil to Greatness, that'll give you access to, to register for the event. That'll give you the, obviously the, the link to join us. And I will see you Thursday the 14th. 10:00 AM pacific Cletus coffee.com/guilt to greatness. And I'll go ahead and put that here in the episode. Show notes.
So with that being said, guys, remind yourself that this is a process that they don't, people don't talk about, men don't talk about. So go easy on yourself, but also recognize it's time to do something for you. You do enough for the business, you do enough for the kids. It's time to do something for yourself. Join us at the Guilt to Greatness workshop. We're gonna get rid of that dad guilt. We're gonna get you more time back. You're gonna be working less, making more money.
Yes. That's what men consistently say that, wow. I thought when I was gonna work a few hours less that things were gonna collapse and then they don't, and then they get addicted. Like, I want more of this. I want more time to myself. Because once you, once you recognize that that's possible. You start thinking of ways in which you can reduce the amount of time that you have working and reallocate it somewhere else.
It gets those creative juices going, but you don't know that until you're consciously aware that that is possible. So let's do it. Meet us, cletuscoffey.com/guilt greatness. I look forward to seeing you there at the workshop.