The Hidden Pain of Driven Men: Signs, Struggles, and Solutions

And what I'm gonna do is I'm going to talk to you about, about a man. I know. And. And the day and age that we're at right now, men are struggling. And for various different reasons and various different traumas and. Reasons as to why they may be struggling. And by no means, am I going to be able to encompass all of them? So I'm just gonna talk to you, bow. How, what I know. And what I see as a man. As a single father. And. As someone who works with men. And these are driven.

High-performing men. Most of them are, have gone through some level of suffering and trauma in their life, whether it be divorce and being a single father or, or business. And. Entrepreneurship journey and, and all the challenges that that brings not, maybe it was a, a death in the family.

The men that I work with art. Generally those that are often classified as. Kind of the, the high performance, the driven type and type a individuals. And. And that's primarily because that's, that's what I understand. That's a world that I get being one of them. And there's a lot of challenges for that, that type of individual for that man. And so what I'm gonna do is I'm just going to go through some of the symptoms. That this man is having. And if it's you. I want you to listen to it with.

Some grace and some ease for yourself. And if it's someone that, you know you're listening into it with. Some compassion, obviously again, if you're the man having some self-compassion. If it's someone that, you know, having some compassion for them, Because end of the day, we want our men to be solid. We want them to be strong, to have a. Really. Strong powerful foundation. And. This man has lost his way. And number one is. Cause he's broken. And he could be broken. Physically emotionally.

Spiritually financially or, or all of the above. And yet he's, he's broken and, and, you know, the signs of. Him being broken or the exhaustion and the, the overwhelm. And the thing about it is he's. This man is not vulnerable. And is afraid to speak up for, for various reasons. The primary one is for looking weak. Especially if, if this man was an athlete, In his, in his previous chapters in life. Whereas athletes, we were taught to. Play for the pain. Get back out there. Be strong. Don't cry.

And so that foundation. That paradigm has been formed and has stuck with this man. And so here he is today. Struggling overwhelmed, tired, broken. And afraid to say something. For fear of looking weak. For fear of that. If he's in a career is what his boss might say. If he owns a business. What his employees may think of him is supposed to be the strong leader. Of this, of this organization. They're afraid to, to speak up. If he's in a relationship.

And again, I, I tend to work with individuals who have gone through divorces. Who maybe been remarried and divorced again. Maybe they're not in a relationship or they've gone through some. Relationships. During there. Their life and. You know, they've. Been in situations where they've been afraid to, to speak up to their partner for fear of letting them down or fear of looking weak. The fear of not having their shit together. And so.

What impacts them as well is the societal view of what men need to do in order to perform. To protect to provide. For their families. And. This individual may be handling some of the. The basic necessities to house the food. The school. The clothes on their backs for his family. But he's, he's, he's broken inside. It's on the outside, looking in, it looks as if he's taking care of his family. That's just not the case because he's not showing up authentically as himself. And that is killing him.

Or. He isn't providing at the time. And. He's, he's feeling ashamed. Feeling shame that he's letting down his life partner. He's he's, he's letting down his children.

His parents. As friends. Because that leads to the second symptom. He's struggling because he just isn't. Winning. And. What I mean by that is, you know, he may be winning on the scoreboard. He may have a job with a nice income. He may be satisfied with getting up and going to work he may be having enough sex each week that satisfies him. He he's winning on the scoreboard. The challenge with that is. The wins that show up on the scoreboard. Part of the human experience. Follow me here.

Th this in this 3d world that we live in, that's part of the human experience. Those are the things that we've created as being human. It's not part of the being. Okay. This vertical dimension. What I mean by that? Is. He's winning on the scoreboard. But he's not winning. In, in the things that really. Derive happiness and fulfillment and meaning and purpose. and joy. In their life. And those are the things that show up on the being dimension, not on the human dimension.

But yet that's where he's judged by it. He's feeling judged by it. And so he's just trying to go out and create more on the human dimension, the scoreboard related stuff, more money, more vacations. Making sure the kids are, are set with clothes and school and activities and their, their wife or their life partner is taken care of. And they're happy. And he's fogetting about himself. And so thus he doesn't feel like he's winning. He's also lacking an applause. And yes, men for. Who they are.

This, this man would like to be recognized. We'd like to be acknowledged. I'll go back to the sports analogy. You know, big an athlete. You, you got instant feedback, you did something well, you did. You needed correction. You got instant feedback right there. When life we don't get that instant feedback, especially from men because this man isolates himself. He's not telling his buddies. At at work or, you know, out hanging out, he's not telling his friends about what's going on.

It's not talking to them about the wins he's having in in his, you know, growing himself because he's afraid to even tap into that. Let alone talking about the wins and the losses that are showing up in the human dimension. Struggling. in his relationship. divorce Money lack thereof career. Business. The issues and the challenges that show up in that. For someone like myself. And you compound being a single father on top of that.

You really put yourself in position where you just are trying to search for where is a win that I have to, I can feel good about. And not something that something somebody wants from me. But just a win that connects with me emotionally, mentally, spiritually. He's working his butt off. He's working hard and just not getting the results. He wants. That. Meaning that purpose. fulfillment that excitement, the joy, the play. In life. That leads us to number three. Which is lacking purpose.

Just what this man did was. He did all the right things. He went to school and. Got it, got a degree and got a job. And. Started making money and bought the house and found a partner and had children together. And it's building up a nest egg. You know, he's doing all the right things, that things you supposed to be doing. And yet. Now he's at a point where he's saying, hold on. What does all this for? And so this man has a fire in him. But the problem is. It's been diminished.

It's just a little, a little spark. Maybe these lucky, a little candle light. Far from. The blazing infernal, the torch that he once was. It's still in there and he knows it. He knows it's in there. He's struggling to figure out how in this lifetime that I have right now. Of producing, providing, protecting. From those around me was my employees, my customers, my children, my partner. How do I actually take care and, and lock in and, and find what matters most to me, let alone go and pursue it.

And that's diminishing the light and he's becoming resentful. And that resentment, he then just becomes avoidant. It doesn't want to touch. That pain. And so he settles for mediocrity in his business, maybe in his career. He doesn't really want to invest in the relationship. So he avoids. Those hard conversations. He avoids the opportunity to be vulnerable. He's in a position where. He doesn't feel safe. He doesn't feel seen it doesn't feel value. It doesn't feel heard. With himself.

I'm not even talking about in his relationship. With his children. Because, yes. You want to have those things. He's not feeling those things with himself.

He's never been taught. To have a safe environment for himself. Th that the things that he says to himself. And feels valued. By himself that loves himself. He's not invested in that. And so. He's avoidant. With that with himself and thus he's avoided in his relationship. If you're in a relationship with this man, you know that well, So, what he ends up doing is. To find a little bit of peace and ease in this because he's working so hard. He comes home.

If he's a single father, he's cooking dinner and getting the kids ready, or if the kids are At the co-parents house at their mom's house, for example, he's trying to figure out how to prepare and get everything done. So by the time they get back and he got the laundry done, he's got the house cleaned up. He's he's got enough work that he can get done. Maybe he gets his travel in because he's got to get that done. So that when the kids come back, he's ready to go. So. Every little bit.

Of opportunity to just have a little bit of peace, a little bit of numbness. He turns to lower frequency, lower. He tries to, to get to a level of, of consciousness. But he does it from a lower frequency. And that's things like alcohol, drugs, sex. Gambling. And so those are just quick band-aids. Just a quick, alright. I'm feeling at ease. And then it becomes a habit. Because he's avoidant to actually go in and do the work on himself. He's just finding those.

A continuous thread of low, lower frequency activities. Better actually doing more harm than good. And they're not getting the where ultimately, where he wants to eat. The other thing that this man does is. He throws himself into. And identity. And this could be a former identity, like an athlete. It'd be kinda living vicariously through his children and their sports. Or it could be as a, as an entrepreneur, as a business owner. As a manager.

It can be, as a father, goes all in on, on being a father and forgets about all the other areas of law. He goes all in and identity because he's grasping for straws somewhere to feel valued and seen and heard. And thus she is slowly breaking. And shattering. The other dangerous thing that they'll do this, man does. As he throws him, throws myself. Into the kids' activities, maybe their sporting activities. And living vicariously through them. Or. He throws himself into his favorite sports teams.

And he just can't wait to get, he gets excited because on Sundays, the game or Saturday, it says, you know, he's alumni of a, of a college football program. They can't wait to watch. Who's going to sit down and he's preparing for the excitement for that quick little. Lower frequency, quick, little numb. A bit of excitement in his life. That's what he's looking forward to. And then when his team wins, he feels good. We're excited. We want them when they lost, he's angry, it's upset.

It changed his whole, his whole mood. Cause he's taken on this identity. This, this team is that. He feels part of the team. Because he hasn't developed his own team. Now, Hey, look, I love rooting for sports. Like the next man. But by no means. Do I want to identify with it. If they lose, they lose. It is what it is. We go on to the next. I don't identify with that. It doesn't shift the mood, but it does for this man. What if he finds himself doing. Is. Floating and feeling lost.

He doesn't have a sense of purpose. He doesn't have a sense of direction. It's not that he's lazy. Let me say, sitting on the couch like this dude is working. He owns a business. He runs a business. He has a F a family. He's he's currently kids around activities and schooling and. He's doing all the work he's doing mode. But because he's lacking the being. Aspect of him. He feels lost. And so what looks on the outside world is he's not getting the results. It goes back to winnings.

I think he results that he wants on the scoreboard. And so he doesn't feel like he's winning. And if he's in a relationship with a partner that values those things. Well then.

And he's really feeling lost when he has those that love him most. And he's in a relationship with someone. Who reminds them every day. Of how much he's losing. And not winning and not making enough money and not being present more and not doing this and not doing that and continuing to wait on him. Versus checking in. Having some compassion. For what he's going through. The last one is. To avoid that shame. To avoid the guilt. His happiness is dependent on others. Happiness.

If his wife is happy, then he's happy. Just kids are happy that he's happy. And so he pours himself into others. If his employees are paid. And they're happy. His customers are satisfied. He's happy. So thus. His happiness. Is fulfillment in life is in external is in others. Happiness that he cannot control. He cannot control others. Happiness. And yet he's working his butt off to try to do so. Give them the life. They want to give them the experiences they want. Forgetting. About himself.

So whether this individual. He's in a relationship. Currently. Going through this. Or the destruction has already happened. We've been divorced, separated. He's now part and seeking a new relationship. This man is taking his old patterns. He's old habits. His old trauma. And packing it in a bag and bringing it with him. To work every day. To his parenting. And he's bringing that bag with him into his next relationship. And he knows it. You knows. There's something off.

He knows he's feeling broken. But again, Unwillingness to be vulnerable, to be open. And the. The egoic desire to protect him from looking weak to the outside world, drives him to just create, make more money, go out there and slay the dragon. So this man is someone we need to help and we need to support. Now. You made resonate with this man? This may be you. And I just more or less told you my story. You may know someone like this. The way.

We need to provide this man with a spirit, with a environment. Where he can feel safe. He can feel seen. He can feel heard. I can feel valued. So that he can. Begin to open up blossom a little bit. And feel that he can share. And ask for help. And be vulnerable. I'm telling you the minute that he does that. If you jump in and judge him. If you jump in and Shane him. Guilt him for opening up and sharing you better believe he's in a close up to never open again. If that's you.

And you have been judged. And shamed. In guilt. Felt guilt. From others for opening up, please. Give it another shot. It may not be with that person. Or those people or that group, those are people that you're going to have to push off while you go through this. Fire. And. It's important for you to invest in yourself in doing that and not investing what they have to say about you. You got to trust you, man. You got to trust you.

And so in supporting this man, we have to provide that environment for. We have two. Route him on cheer for him. Applaud for him. And knowing that, Hey. I recognize your effort. I see the work that you're doing. I know you're not getting the results you want. I know you're not getting the results that maybe we had planned out as a unit, maybe as a couple as a relationship or as a company. But I see the work and the effort that you're putting in. I recognize him. For the effort that he's doing.

It goes a long way. Cause we know is the more effort that he does ultimately. He'll start to see some results. So. I want to bring light to this, to this man. And know that. He's out there. You're out there. And if you're feeling these things, brother. It's all good. Well welcome. Welcome to the, to the crowd. Like you're part of the team. If you're feeling like that. Because there are other men.

Who. See you. Who know what you're going through. We may be a couple steps ahead of you. But man do not feel ashamed, do not feel guilty. You're right where you need to be. And those feelings are valid. Go easy on yourself, brother. It's time to invest in you in time to take care of you. And by doing so. For those that you do keep into your life. You become a better version of yourself, which helps though. Which helps grow your relationship. You're not avoiding your being present.

You're connecting. You're communicating, you're being open. And so. Please give yourself some grace. Anything that you've done or. I think you felt in the past all with it are the simply stories at this point in the present moment. Dude. If you're here, you're listening to this right now. You're in a safe space, dude. You're good. You're alive. You're breathing. And now it's time to invest in you. Emotionally. Mentally physically. You are a physical being like, dude. You need to go be physical.

You need. Move your body. You got to work your body. Oh relationally. Spiritually. It's time. It's time to do the work. And so. Look, ultimately. You know, with, with most driven. Men like yourself. Or that man that, you know, They have a mission. And. They like to be mission-focused. But they're so focused on everyone else and their mission is to help satisfy them. It's time to turn the light back on them. It's time for you. That little candle like that little spark that's in there, dude.

I know it's in there. It's time to throw some fuel onto it. And not just. The quick. You know, over the barbecue, a cook, a little, little. Squirt of some, some fuel just to create a quick, a quick rise. None of that's not sustainable. We're building logs, man. We're putting big fat logs on this fire. Sustainable ones, strong foundation. But if not anything anyone is going to do. Because here's the thing. I know you want someone to come save you. I know I did. Aye. I look up at the moon.

Outside my window at two in the morning. Praying that somebody would come save me. Reality is nobody is coming. To save you. That's your job. That's on you. And so if you're supporting a man. He needs to save himself. Do not save him. But be there for him. Hold him, hold space for him. Give him an environment where he can do this work and then light his torch. It becomes a blaze. And now he's got the power in him. To be as true, authentic self and that self mastery. Is a sustainable path.

To having the fulfillment. And the joy and the meeting and the purpose. That you want. In your life. I hope this was helpful. Hope this brought light to. Man, that's out there. Who might be, you might be someone, you know, Obviously, if I can be a support, let me know. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Was this helpful? Which I can be to expand upon this. Share a little bit more. Please. Would love your, your feedback so we can continue to help this man. Continue to help you.

Become the greatest version of yourself. So that. You can be an example of possibility for others. Especially if you have them. Your children.