If you're a guy that just simply cannot say no to your ex, your co-parent, to your customers, your employees, your kids, you're not leading, brother, you're, you're pleasing. And that's really a, a, a big reason why in your life, in your business, you're feeling drained, overwhelmed, distracted, why you are. Co-parenting relationship with, with an ex or just with your parents' mother is challenging. It's chaotic. There's tension. It's because of you. You are responsible.
See, most men that I coach when they come to me, they have not learned how to set healthy boundaries. So in this episode, I'm gonna show you how to take your power back, man. Reclaim it. And learn how to set these healthy boundaries so that you can protect your energy, your time, your mission, and your power. And so, what I'm gonna do by the end of this video is I'm gonna give you three core elements, a a framework that you can use to set boundaries in all areas of your life.
Now here is the brutal truth that most men just will not admit. You're exhausted, you're overwhelmed, you're stressed, you're frustrated, not because of anything outside of yourself. It's not your ex. It's not your customers, your employees, it's not anything outside. It's you. You are frustrated with yourself, but most men haven't come to have that clarity to look inward first. And so you're living in reaction mode.
You are responding to late, late night text messages from, from your parents' mother or your, your child's mother. You are someone who just quickly jumps on calls when a client calls you on a weekend. You say yes to things that, that you shouldn't say yes to. And, you know, not only things you shouldn say yes to, but things that you should just shut down cold and not even jump, you know, jump into that fire. And I get it, man. I, I used to live from this place.
I, it's something that, I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries and not be this reactionary mode. So. I'm talking about in my co-parenting relationships I'm talking about with customers, I'm talking about with kids. I didn't get it and I was resentful. I was angry. I was blaming everybody else, not thinking that I was the problem, that it was on me. And it just gets worse when it, when it starts to leak into other areas of your life.
'cause look, man, if, if you're not setting boundaries, you. In your co-parenting relationship, then you're not setting 'em in your business either. Let me say that again. If you're somebody who's not setting boundaries with the mother of your children, you're don't, don't pretend like you can actually know how to set them in your business. We don't live in silos. It is all one. How you do one thing in one area is how you're doing in the other.
So if you want that freedom, if you want that fulfillment, if you want that peace in your life, boundaries are not optional. They are something that you need to learn how to set because they are essential for you. Okay, let's get into this framework. Number one, you gotta shift your mindset. You gotta reframe how you're looking at boundaries. These are not walls that you set up, that you avoid, that you ignore. You have responsibilities for your children, for your working together with.
With their, with your co-parent, with their mother, for your customers, for your clients, all of that, you are, you have that level of responsibility and ownership. This is not about control. This is about clarity. This is about commitment. This is about consistency. Of your own self respect. So saying no doesn't make you a bad person doesn't make that someone's not gonna like you. Maybe they don't, maybe they won't like you. And, and what can you? That's how your control, what do you care?
It doesn't make you selfish, whether as, as a co-parent or as a business owner. It just makes you a dude with a spine, with a backbone, which so many of you struggled with. Starting with this dude right here. So you gotta reframe it. This is not about boom control. I'm controlling the narrative. No, no, no, no. Let go of all you don't have time for that dude. If we're gonna get you to an elevated level of self to higher standards. You gotta let go of that control.
So it's really, it's, it's communication, it's clarity. It's, we wanna bring more ease and and peace into your life. Control does not bring that. So what we want to do is have a clear framework as to how to do this. So. Part number two is the framework of clarity, communication, consequence. Okay, so clarity. Define for yourself right now what you no longer will tolerate.
So as long as you're clear with that, then you're gonna show up with a energy, with a frequency of what you will tolerate and what you will not. And this is, this is in your parenting. This is in your relationship with a co-parent. This is with your email inbox. This is with text messages, phone calls, customers employees. So whether again, it's in, it's in text or email or in your social media your conversations, your phone calls, all these areas, you need to have some clarity on what you will.
Take on in which you will, not what you will tolerate. We're talking about what can you tolerate for more peace and ease for you so you can get to that to freedom that I know that you seek. There was times in my life where I thought, how am I ever gonna be free? 'cause I'm getting at it from all areas.
I have two women that I co-parent with, and so, you know, I'm being pulled in all these different directions and at my time, my worst times of, of my head spinning because I just, I wasn't clear on. What I would tolerate. And once I got clear on that, then it was clear for them and then it got easier in our relationships. So 'cause once I got clear, I got to do step number two in this framework, which is learn how to communicate them. And if you have not ever been in a relationship where.
You have completely lost yourself, and I don't mean like in a, an amazing, loving way, but I mean, you found yourself in such a chaos of an environment of pain, toxicity, struggle, suffering. You probably haven't gotten to a place where you've had to look for answers. And that started my journey. I had looked for answers, and I have never been taught how to set a boundary. I didn't know that even existed. I just, you know, I was a nice guy.
I wanted to please people, I wanted to be friends with everybody. So learning how to be clear on what I would accept, and number one, how to communicate them. When you communicate a boundary, it's about you. So think put, put the light back on you and how do you wanna show up for yourself? Calm, cool. Collected. Grounded. And in that, in that. Communication. You can be clear, you can be firm with it. You can be intense with it without being harsh, negative demeaning.
This is not about anybody else. This is about you. So take care of you in this process. So if it's, Hey, you know, I, I'm sorry. I'm only available for pickup drop offs at this time. And I cannot be flexible outside of that clear Direct, I, my working hours are between 9:00 AM and 4:00 PM Anything outside of that, I'm sorry. I will not be responding to your messages. I'll have to get back to you in the morning, dude, that once you start applying this, it frees up space in your mind.
It's called White space. And in that white space, you can figure out how to create. So, you know, I didn't put this on there, but probably the fourth one would be create. And, and because within that white space, you now have the freedom, the ease, the peace to be able to create for yourself in, in whatever area in your fitness and your family and your, your a fortune. You know, your business, in your foundation, a connection to higher power in your emotional intelligence, in your freedom.
So. Being clear with that communication allows you to be firm and hold a, a hard line. Now, this is number three, if the individual that you're working with bust through that boundary and they will don't expect that you're gonna set a boundary and people are gonna automatically just respect them because a lot of people have not been taught, including you how to respect another person's boundary. Potentially.
So you gotta be able to be okay with the fact that you're gonna set a boundary and it's, it's probably not gonna be respected. And don't get all frustrated. Don't get angry, don't push back, don't blame them. It's just be consistent so we're clear, we're communicating, we're gonna set consistent consequences. So if a boundary is crossed there must be clear and consistent follow through. Hey, remember when I told you I could only do pickup drop off between six and eight o'clock this week?
Well, you know, that's, you know, where I said I had to do, and anything outside of that I, I could not do. So I'm sorry. If you're frustrated, you're upset by that. It's just I was clear as to that was my boundary or. You know, I've, I've mentioned to you that if you are going to behave in this manner as we're trying to work and, and you know, work through the business aspect of the kids, and I, I'm telling you, I don't like to be called those names, it doesn't feel good.
And if it happens again, I'm just gonna remove myself from this conversation. So, and I say that because I mean that very well could be with a. With your co-parent. That could be with a customer who's berating you because they didn't get what they were promised and this, that, and the other. And it's like, Hey, this is where my boundary is, and if you cross it, then we're just gonna have to reschedule, or we're gonna have to try again for another time. So it's okay. You don't have to get it.
This, this fight mentality. Like we don't have to get angry and pissed off and wanna fight someone because they crossed a boundary like. Coming from a place of power is being cool, is being calm, is being collected. You know, I had a client of mine who, you know, he was growing his business. He had grown a seven figure business and he was constantly, constantly rearranging his day because his children's mother would, would throw him last minute curve balls, last minute, re, re requests.
You know, she didn't have her. Schedule and her time management as, as tight as he did. And so she was just kind of loose and flowing and that, unfortunately for the vision he had for his life. Remember, we're building a lifestyle first, and you know, that those last minute requests were throwing him for a loop. He, he'd get pulled out of the focus he was in and it would piss him off and he'd get frustrated, but he said nothing. He wouldn't do anything about it.
He would either just act upon it or get pissed off and hang up and it wasn't going anywhere. She wasn't clear on his boundary because he wasn't clear on his boundary. And so that's where, you know, we need to be clear on drawing the line, the, this is my pickup times this is what I'm willing to pay for. This is, I know everyone's different. Some people have child support and all kind of stuff, but you know, just being conscious of, Hey, this is my involvement.
And this is where, you know, we committed to, to these residential times and just sticking with it. Following through. And if not, then you can communicate the consequences. So what does this give you? Less chaos, less distraction, more peace, more of that white space where you can create more productivity. More respect. People respect your boundaries. You know, I'm sorry, may, may not, but once you start, you hit it, you hit, you hit the boundary.
You cl you communicate the boundary, you communicate the boundary, and at some point they're either gonna respect it or they're not. And you know, that's when you know how you know, how, how much you should really take on. Because if it's a customer, well then, you know, it's just, it's probably not a customer you, you want to be going with. If it's your parents, I'm sorry, God, I keep saying parent. If it's your child's. Mother, you co-parent you know, you can't control her.
So you just gotta continue to show up and set your boundaries, be clear about them, and follow through on the consequences. So the mistakes, and I guess maybe like the myths that, that I I hear all the time the myth that, well, if I set a boundary that's gonna, that's really gonna piss her off and that's gonna create more conflict. I don't want my customer to get angry. Again, when you're doing that, you're worried about them. Let them control their emotions.
You take care of you, and you do that by setting a boundary, avoiding boundaries that creates long-term resentment. That creates silent suffering. You're suffering and silent, you're having to deal with this client one more time, and it's just, it's taking over your energy, your, your physical body, your time.
And in, in other relationships, and this, again, this could be with your children being able to clear, be, have clear, be con you know, communicate, be consistent with consequences as to you know, where your boundaries are with them. So the other myth is along those same vein here, is that boundaries will, will push people away. And, you know, people who, if people who you want to be around are people that that honor and respect themselves, fair enough?
Would you agree people that you wanna be around honor and respect themselves? If you're around someone who doesn't honor and respect your boundary, it's because they don't honor and respect themselves. So why would you spend time and energy with someone like this if they're never gonna honor, respect themselves, and thus they're not gonna honor respect you? And I get it in some scenarios, you are in a relationship with someone else where you have to be for the sake of the children.
But you don't have to subscribe. You don't have to step across that line into chaos. You can stay in your area of peace and ease and freedom and let what's going on on that other side of the boundary, just spin in, in the chaos that, that they want to be in. You don't have to partake in that the. Another boundary, or excuse me, another myth is that I don't need to set boundaries. I just need to better manage my time.
And this is, this branches away a little bit from the relationship piece and just goes into kind of the holistic overview of of you. And I'll tell you what, for me, mind wasn't, so, I guess it was a bit time management giving of people and business that I should have focused on me, like for example. You, you're in office, someone comes and knocks on your door and is like, Hey, you got a quick minute. And in your head, you're, you say to yourself, oh man.
Like I've told them multiple times, like when I'm in the office during this time that I'm do, I'm on work and not to interrupt and da, da da. And, and what do you do? Oh yeah, sure, yeah. What do you got? And that minute turns into 10, turns into 15, and then our brain, when we get back to the work we were working on is going, wait, where was I? What was I doing? I can't remember.
And there's, there's that, that disconnect and that's frustrating that, that, and now you feel that long-term resentment because of that silent suffering. It's okay. You're not gonna push anyone away if they walk and say, Hey, you got a quick minute. Unfortunately right now, this is my focus time. So what you can do is you can send me a slack, you can send me an email, you can, whatever. Or let's schedule some time in a couple hours from now.
This is important to protect you, to protect your peace. To protect your freedom. So trying to set boundaries, it can be challenging if you're not grounded. If, if you're not grounded in, in what you want in your core values, you know, that's like building a fence without knowing where. The land actually ends, you know, your your land. You gotta get clarity on where that is and where that that boundary is.
Otherwise, you're gonna keep building this fence and you're gonna be tired and you're gonna be exhausted and it's gonna, when is this thing ever gonna end? Boom. Set the boundary. It ends right here. This is where it stops. So tomorrow, this is a couple, or today, starting right now. This is what you can take away. Number one, do an audit on your day. Where are you bleeding time and energy. Where are you giving to things? Like social media, you gotta set a boundary with social media.
If you're someone who jumps on and is scrolling and all of a sudden 30 minutes, you pick up your head and go, where am I? You gotta set a boundary. And if you can't do it for yourself, easily use the technology. Set a timer, set some limits. You can do that on your own social media, not just on your kids. You can limit yourself. Set one new boundary today. Choose one thing to protect. Maybe it's your morning routine. If you need help with your morning routine, go to cletus coffee.com/morning.
We'll get that that morning locked down. We'll set some serious boundaries for you in the morning whether it is your work hours, your office hours, your writing time. Maybe someone needs to write. Something, you know, creative marketing or you know, SOPs or I don't know, something, you know, clock out that time. Set a boundary with, with your ex, with, with your co-parent and how you communicate with her. Set a boundary with your children.
You can just find one area, set a boundary, and stick to it. The other thing I'd like you to do is let's not leave it between the ears. Write it down. Write it down. 'cause that's where it begins to become real. So if you've got a journal I thought I had mine one with me here. Go ahead and write it down in your journal. If you just have, you know, a place where you can remind yourself, put a sticky on your computer so that when that person walks in, you look at that and go, you know what?
I gotta honor this. Okay. So that, you know, from now on, I only respond to. Emergencies between this time and that time, or I'm, I'm only going to respond during this time if, you know there's something that's gonna help contribute to the work that I'm doing right now. So, remind yourself, and this could be a simple affirmations that, you know, my boundaries protect, my peace, my power, my purpose, my freedom. And make a commitment to that.
So if this sits home and you're ready to live with boundaries to protect yourself and build the life that you actually want, my man, now's a great time to join us. If you go to be the torch.com/academy wait list, you can jump on a wait list where we can help support you in setting boundaries, helping commit to those boundaries, help raise your standards.
The, the level of, of the man and the leader and the father and the partner that you really wanna be, we're gonna elevate you to your highest level of of where you want to be in your life. So if you're ready to go deeper, then by all means, we got a brotherhood there, we waiting for you and help, helping to support you. So remember, your boundaries are not about keeping others out. They're not walls. They're seeping simply keeping you aligned. And weak boundaries equals weak leadership.
So stop betraying yourself for keeping the peace. Be the torch brother. Burn the old version of you and build a new and become the man that you are always meant to be.