How Attract a Healthy Relationship: A Guide for Single Fathers

And like most of my episodes, it's, it's this is my training platform, both my podcast And on my, on my YouTube channel, that's where you can get a lot of insight, a lot of training on basically as a man developing the self mastery necessary to unlock the, the power, the purpose, the passion, the play in your life so that you can have the freedom, freedom, free man, and the flexibility.

to care for yourself first and foremost, care for your children, and then do things like grow a business that aligns with who you are. We're very focused on let's build the lifestyle first and then add the business. Unlike what most men do, and that is they build the business and say, okay, how do I fit a relationship in there? How do I fit being a parent? How do I fit exercise into the health and wellbeing? It does not work that way. So this is where you come to focus on the flip side.

How do we build wealth? And then knowing that we are mission driven species. Man, we are, we are purpose driven. We're mission focused and without one of those, without a mission, without a purpose, well, then you're going to flounder around. And this is what a lot of dudes do. You're yours truly included. And it's something that I, I really struggled with primarily because of just A, ego, 2, or B, that I just was unaware. I was unaware of the insecurities I had.

I was unaware of the pressures I was putting on myself. I mean, you can listen to some previous episodes around a lot of those elements. But you know, ultimately my story Cletus Coffey leads me to our conversation here today because one of those amazing things that you can add to your life, your life and your lifestyle after you've created it is a relationship. Now you may be coming into this podcast having been divorced. Maybe you are a single now.

Maybe you've been remarried, divorced, remarried. Maybe you've done that multiple times or been in relationships and broken those off. You may be in a nice relationship right now. You, we got dudes coming from all, all spaces, all, all places. Primarily a lot of my focus is on single fathers. Now what that means as a single father, is you could be in a relationship and still being a single father. I mean, that, that doesn't change things. And those dynamics are what works best for you.

They all look different. So there isn't one cookie cutter of what it means to be a single father. However, having been down many of those, those channels and those roads, I mean, being a single father myself and also passionate about growing a business purpose, mission focused, I want to make impact and income and also Be a present and engaged father. So, the, the, one of the things that you can add into your lifestyle is a relationship. And, and, or enhance the relationship that you're in.

So, the challenge is, well, let me just give you a snapshot of my story. So I got married. I was doing the marriage thing and that's kind of what I thought I was supposed to do and that's what I did.

I had a couple of children in the process. Ultimately, that marriage began to dwindle and fall apart. And, like, this is, there's no pointing blame at anyone, especially if you've been around my programs. You know it's on us to take ownership and responsibility for our part in it. And, Knowing that we contributed, I contributed to my divorce in big ways primarily, was my struggles of basically being in my own way. And I was just lost. I was trying to figure out how can I make impact?

How can I have real purpose in my life? Having been an athlete for 85 percent of my life once I retired and no longer being it, I just didn't work in the corporate jobs and holding a sales bag and just didn't give me purpose. And so not knowing what that meant, I went to search for it. Not even being aware that I was searching for it. But looking back now, that's, that's really what ultimately what I was doing. And it caused a lot of strain on my relationship.

Ultimately my wife found somebody else and left me and we chose to divorce and really what it was, there was no choosing. That was what happened. And so I found myself as a single father. Now, what I, what I did is what I'm hoping to shift. I'm hoping to help you avoid and really just for me as I had not healed and I'm not just talking of from my marriage. I had not healed me as a man from my traumas from growing up.

All the challenges and you know other traumas that I went through not only through my lifetime, but also in a relationship, being a parent and I had not thought about it. Didn't think that was even something I needed to do because at that time everything was just.

Someone else's fault and I got screwed and a victim mentality, which we need to get you out of because it's it's a waste of time It's a waste of energy Nobody wins in that scenario, especially you you lose big time when you hope when you hold that victim mentality And so my goal for you with this this podcast here This episode is for you to start a journey to becoming a healed man And the cool thing about that is When you start to become a healed man and heal yourself, and I don't know if

there's ever a point of being healed, it's healing, and but attracting and finding somebody else who happens to be a healed woman, and then the two of you can come together, and heal together. Like that is powerful. That's powerful. However, an unhealed man, an unawakened man is not going to attract a healed woman. It's just, I don't believe that that's going to happen. I'm sure it's possible, but it's just not going to happen. So I want to preface this with, I am not dead. I'm not a counselor.

I'm not a therapist. I'm not a relationship coach. I coach dudes. I coach men like you. And so I can only speak from my experiences and from what I've learned along the way. What I have studied just on my own along the way. And then from the guys that I talk to and I work with and support. And so take, take it as that. Again, this is not any type of medical advice by any means, but this is just real talk.

So my goal is for you is to become a healed man and attract a healed woman into your life and for you two to heal together. So how do we do that? Well, first, understand that you can find your soulmate or that individual that you were just Destined to, to be with. And I have a few steps to help you do that. And really these are the steps that I wish I had taken.

When leaving my first relationship, because then I found myself into another relationship, which the relationship did not work and wasn't working. And it's not about the person, it's just, it's just the relationship. It's just who I, how, who I was showing up was not in alignment with who she was and vice versa. And it just did not, it just did not

have the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship. And so, that relationship ended. I am blessed for it by all means. And I'll be. Always grateful for that for a couple reasons. Number one, we have a beautiful daughter in the process which she is absolutely just the the joy of my life and I'm so so grateful for her and Despite all the pain and challenges and suffering in in that relationship man.

I learned so much about myself So much about me that really has helped me into these next stages of life, not into a new relationship, just in life. And so I look back and that was, that was a process that I needed to go through. I truly believe it. I needed to go through that to get to the other side and to become the person I am and to be an incredible teammate with, with that former partner for with our daughter and, and really be able to, to raise her and, and support here.

So. This is what I wish I had known then, and, but I'm grateful that I know now. So, number one in this process of attracting a new relationship in your life, or if you're in one, how to, how to get that relationship thriving again. The intimacy, the sex, the, the love, the connection, the communication. All that stuff, which at one point or another, I get it. It feels like it's impossible, but it is possible. And it starts with us, us as human beings.

So post my, my, my, my second longest relationship you know, getting out of that, I just, I didn't go on the apps. I didn't date. I didn't do anything. I just went all in on me. And that's where I find a lot of guys get tripped up is they're like so grateful to be out of that relationship for whatever reason, the pain or the suffering, or just it was just time to go.

And you immediately want to launch into going out and getting laid and having, you know, having sex partners going out and, and going out and dating women. And look, it's, I get it. I get the attraction to it. I get the shiny objects that are out there and distracting. And what I highly recommend is that you put the, pump the brakes on that and go in on you. Because it will serve you, you'll get some short term wins.

You'll, you'll get obviously something fun, something pleasurable, something energetic. You'll, you'll find those short term wins. But in the long term, you got to go in on you first. And these three key areas in doing it. Number one. You gotta get to the truth about who you are. Who are you, my friend? Do you know that?

And this is the, this is the, the, the core process and virtually a core principle in everything that we do here with Be The Torch in our, in our community and our accountability groups and our coaching, our training is getting to the truth of who are you. Because most men, and they're afraid to face the truth. Who are you as a communicator? Who are you as a partner? Who are you in, in connection, and in sex, and intimacy, and, and playfulness? And they go, who are you? What is the truth?

And so, if you've come out of a relationship, or if you can reflect back on your own relationship, this is the time to write down the truth. And for example, the truth could be something along the lines of, I was a poor communicator, I would get angry, I would yell and scream, or I'd push back and, and Or shut down, I'd be inavoidant, you know, those types of things like getting to the truth of you, not about them. Not about a previous relationship, partner you were with, about you.

Maybe it was, you know, like me, you were lost and afraid to ask for help and struggling financially and struggling with purpose and meaning. And holding on to my responsibilities. And, you know, that, that feeling lost is, is real. If that's it, put that down. Put it down that you weren't holding your end of the bag. And, and that's painful to hear. I get that and I feel it. And it's so imperative to own that. It could be that you let your health go and you just became complacent. Put it down.

You're, you're overweight. You don't look good. You don't take care of your body. You're not, you're not attractive to, to, to your partner and you let yourself go. It happens. So the more we can put down and recognize that that is what we've done, that's the truth to it. It's, or, you know, it could be something as simple as, Really eye opening, you know, your behavior, your abuse, whether physical abuse or emotional abuse or verbal abuse.

It could be abuse of alcohol and drugs, you know, some sort of, you know, self defeating type of thoughts and language or substances that were really tearing you down. Just put it down. Now, here's the thing. You're not going to do it. You're not going to do it. That's the heartbreak of it, is that most men, they want to thrive, they want to find love, they want to find connection, they want to have a truly intimate, beautiful, communicative, sexual relationship.

And this, this, you got to start here. And most men aren't going to do this. So the question to you is, are you Same as every other mediocre guy out there, especially guys who've been through pain like this and are scarred and they've got trauma they're hanging on to and they're not healed and so they're angry and they're going to go out and take it out on the next partner and the next relationship. That's what is common. What are you going to do differently? Why not start here?

It's a great place for you to start and own your stuff. Own it. So it's one thing to write it down and get to the truth. Yes, that's one. That's, look, if you can get there, like if you can do that, then we, the next steps become a little bit easier. Now you begin to take responsibility and own that. And it may mean that you have to reach out to a former partner and own your stuff to clear that energy, to clear that space.

If you really want to put yourself on a trajectory to, to be able to have it all in all areas of life, because here's the thing about relationship, as I've learned, and that is your relationship, we don't live in silos. So your relationship is going to impact your work and your business. Your relationship is going to affect your health, your mental and physical health. Your relationship is going to, is going to affect how you show up as a parent.

It's going to affect your connection to a higher power. It is, they're all one another. You know, your business affects your relationship. Your health affects your business. They're all impacting and growing or dying collectively. So, and oftentimes what happens is if you focus on one, just one area of your life and not the others, they become anchors. Well, in a bit, if you're listening to this and you're a guy, you probably went all in on your business, all in on your money.

and did not give the same level of attention and focus to your relationship or maybe to your health or maybe to your children like you did your business and you justified it. 'cause that's what we're really good at. Blaming, complaining, and justifying. Well, I had to do it for the family. I had to, I had to pay the bills, keep the roof over head. Justify, justify, justify is why you can't connect and communicate and be present and be there for your, your partner or your kids.

And. We got to get past that. So how we do that is by taking ownership. So stating the truth, taking ownership. This is the first step to vulnerability. If there's one thing that I can point to, that when I was in the darkest of darkest places in my life, and for me, relationship was oftentimes part of that. A big part of it.

And mainly because I identified myself and I poured myself into I, you know, I value my relationships and not in like a valuable relationship sense because of course you want to value relationship, but I didn't secure my masculinity and who I was as a man. And I went into, to the relationship saying, Hey, let's, we're kind of equals here. Really there's, I believe that there's times in that relationship or at all times, there needs to be some polar opposites there.

The masculine shows up, the feminine can show up and both can unfold and support one another. I wasn't very good at that and I'm sure there's, we can sit there for, for hours and kind of break down why I didn't show up in that way. But for the sake of the brevity here and just getting you through these, these important points. We can save that for another conversation. Hey, join the Be The Torch Academy. How do we just put that in there? A little, a little plug in there.

Join the Be The Torch Academy. If you go to bethetorch. com forward slash academy waitlist, you'll hear a lot of these stories inside the academy. So join the academy. Get on the waitlist. We do We do launch the group in different cohorts. So if we are in session right now, that's why you get on the waitlist. And then when I open the doors, you can jump in and be a part of the next one. And you get to know more of these stories that you can resonate with. That's the whole thing.

See, the reason why I share and open is because I want to be able to resonate with guys like you. But it's also my healing to being open and being vulnerable. That's where I'm getting to. You'd be amazed, man. You would be. With the women that I talk to now who say things like wow, I am waiting for a man to be open and be vulnerable with me, or has recently found a man who is open and vulnerable and being willing and they're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I finally found this.

Or, thank goodness, a man is finally willing to be open and being vulnerable with me. And, and that's what, that's what they're waiting for. They, they want you to show up and like, and I didn't think that was the case, because we were taught we need to be strong. We can't be weak. We need to, we can't show weakness. And we got to put, we got to put the world on our shoulders and just, Make it happen. And that, at least that's the way I went.

Boy, it would have served me in my previous relationships if I just said, Hey, I'm lost and I need help and I don't know where to turn and it's killing me. And I, you know, so on and so forth. I just, I didn't know how to do that. And so boy, I tell you, waiting for, you know, women are waiting for a man like that to show up. And when they do, man, you believe how it allows them to re

to relax. In their divine feminine and it be able to accept your openness, your vulnerability that they've been craving and your masculinity to step in. It's, it is, it's a powerful thing. So get into the truth, owning that truth, being open and vulnerable. Here's the thing. Like I said, they don't, they don't, we don't live in silos. So when you can be open and vulnerable in your relationship, guess where else it parlays into? Into your parenting and into your business. Yes, into your business.

When you can learn how to be authentic, open, real, vulnerable, that authenticity, people relate to, they connect with, and that is for an entirely different episode where we talk about Authenticity in your brand and in your business, how it can help grow your, your, enhance your marketing, grow your sales, increase your profits. And obviously, that's going to impact you and your bottom line. So, the next part is becoming aware of old patterns and habits.

One of the biggest things that I had to do in my journey to finding somebody else was recognizing old habits, patterns, and creating a pattern interruption. And so, I was just, over time, especially once you get older, Get to my age, like you're in your 40s, you've kind of been doing the same thing every day. You get up, take a shower, brush your teeth, and start your day, respond to emails, drive to the office, what have you.

Get the kids to school, make some breakfast, you know, maybe not all in that order, but you get what I'm saying. And then you just kind of plug through your day and then you come back home and it's like, oh, I'm home and I got to feed the kids and I got to get, respond to some emails at night. And oh, by the way, let me see if we've got a few minutes just to connect with my partner. So it's, it can be a, where the body becomes the mind. I love this.

The way I learned to communicate this, the body becomes the mind. The body is managing the flow of the day to day versus your mind. So we got to get out of the body and back up into the mind so that we can shift patterns and shift old behaviors and paradigms that have been formed that you're just following unconsciously. So it's about becoming more conscious. One of the biggest things I did was to learn how to master my morning. My morning is so important to me and I never took advantage of it.

And so hitting all of the five key areas in the Be The Torch program, which is rooted in personal culture. That's what I call it. Psychology, physiology, people, profits, and purpose. Hitting all five of those Is going to change your life in the morning. It's going to change your life. You connect your relationship, you connect to your, to your, your mental state. You connect to a higher power through meditation. You journal it, you get it down.

All can be done in a very relatively short period of time. Yes. Even moving your body. It's imperative. That was a huge pattern break for me. And then other, other little unique small pattern breaks, you know, the, the, my mindset around money, for example, doing things that, you know, I always was living from a very scarce mindset.

Really hadn't for a long time, been able to generate consistent cash flow and that hurt my re it hurt me, it my stressed me out, had me anxious, hurt my relationships. And I had to shift my mindset around and start doing things. I, you know, I would listen, I would listen and just feel.

That's one of the big things is like we talk a lot about in the Be The Torch Academy is listening to your future self who's sending you messages, pinging you in real time saying, hey, and you'll get it through gut feelings or some sort of essence of you that's, that's pushing you to a certain direction. And logic steps in and goes, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go down that route. And there's something that's calling you to do that. And you need to follow it.

So, you know, being aware of old habits and old patterns and listening. Got to be an active listener because your logical mind, especially your ego, is going to try to protect you and override the messages that you're getting. So you got to be a better listener so you can shift old patterns and habits. We want to heal you. You want to be a healed man.

Emotionally from your traumas and doing the same old thing, showing up with your old, old ways, just with, in a new relationship or some sort of new scenario, it's not going to work. They're still you. And so I'm not saying you gotta make some humongous, and for somebody that's gonna be humongous change. For me, it might just be a couple shifts of the dial that need to be, that need to be changed. But bottom line is for the most part, you're gonna have to burn that stuff down.

To the ground and build it back up, rooted in truth, rooted in vulnerability. Imagine that this isn't just, we're sprinkling some, some, some authenticity and some vulnerability into your life. No, no, no. We're going to burn it down and build it back up, rooted in that. And the power that you will have as a man, as a partner, as a father,

as a business owner, it's going to be unprecedented. You're going to be unstoppable brother. Unstoppable. So, breaking old habits, old patterns. The last one is energy and frequency. So I'm gonna get a little, a little woo woo on you here for a second but I tell you, it is a life changer. And I'll just keep it really simple like this, right? We have a certain amount of energy and we give off a frequency much like a radio does.

And so, You want to be able to give off the frequency to attract like frequencies. So, for example, I wanted to put myself in a position to attract a certain type of partner. And look, that is, it starts with you. And you have to become it first. This is called Be The Torch for a reason. You don't just get the torch. It just doesn't pass to you. You need to become it. In relationships, you need to become the partner that you want first.

You need to become a person that could be in your ideal relationship first. It starts with you. You have to become it. And when you do, you raise your level of frequency and then you attract. Somebody else who vibes with your higher level of frequency and who you are because you've become it first. So if you want someone that is, you know, takes care of themselves health wise, you've got to take yourself health wise.

You want to, you know, incredibly sexy, hot, you know, smoke and fit woman in your life, you got to make sure you are it first. If you want someone who is peaceful and calm and collected and just so easy to be around, you have to become that first. It's not like you get in a relationship and then you figure that out. You gotta become it. That's how it becomes easy. That's how, quote unquote, soulmates attract one another. You become it first and then your match is out there.

However, If your frequency is low because you're not taking care of yourself, your mindset isn't right, you are blaming, complaining, justifying, oh yeah, they'll feel that the first time you all get together, and you're desperate, and you're, you're trying really hard to get in a relationship, your frequency is going to be at a low vibration, and yes, you will attract low vibrating, low frequency women into your life. You don't want to do that. You don't want to do that.

You want to raise your frequency first and then surrender. It doesn't mean you don't do anything, but you just surrender. You let it go. You just be you. You do you. And then you find a partner that matches your energy, your frequency, who you are, what you want to create. And it's like, how did I happen? How did this happen? How did I find this person? Well, you were it first. And then as a healed man.

You found a equally higher frequency vibing woman who is healed to come connect with you and then the two of you can heal together. It's not like a healed woman. Cletus Coffey is out there hunting around for unhealed men and so, you know, guys, it's not like you're, you're going to raise your frequency, raise your energy, a lock in on you being open, being vulnerable, being connected. You're going to be able to sniff out the BS of, of potential partners out there.

You may have the initial attraction because she's hot. And, or, you know, she, you met her just briefly and she had a couple of good things to say. She, you know, whatever it may be, it doesn't mean that she's a match your level of energy and frequency. And so you got to be able to dive in and take your time in the process. This is the last one in it. And I'll just, my little bonus in it is just be patient, take your time, you know, rushing into it before you get a sense of who you are.

Getting a sense of who she is and seeing how the two of you can combine together would be really imperative. So I hope this is helpful, especially for men who have been divorced or separated or broken up out of relationships in your. Interested and you're curious and in a new relationship, especially if you have children, if you have a business, all those things are important to us. And those need to have equal importance. Again, you are purpose and mission mission driven. Women are love driven.

Feelings are, you know, drive them. Us, it's mission. So our mission isn't necessarily to go out and find a woman. Our mission is to find our mission, our purpose and go live it and bring an incredible partner along for the journey really enhances that versus going out there and just throwing yourself into a relationship and that is your goal and mission. That oftentimes does not turn to be a recipe of success in my experience.

And my limited knowledge of, of relationship and, and and connection. So I just know it from, from my perspective. And I hope for you, you gained something out of this, a little bit of insight. So just a quick recap, we start with truth, burn it down, burn down that ego. And you know, at least that ego that's been been holding you back. Get to the vulnerability that is necessary and taking ownership and responsibility. See it, write it down and own that stuff.

The second one is breaking old patterns and old habits that you've generated. That are going to be limiting and I'm going to be holding you back from actually healing. And then last one, becoming the person and that could be in the relationship that you truly desire, you know, and a woman that you want to be with. So we can raise that at a level of frequency and become it first. Become that person that you really want to attract in your life.

And then it's much easier to sniff out the BS and attract that individual. So I tell you this, as I leave you here, I'm so grateful that you tuned in here. If this was a value to you, by all means, go on iTunes, give us a five star rating. Would love a review. What more can I expand upon this? What questions do you have? And I want to be able to help support you in this process. Go ahead and leave a review that can help support me as well. At Cletus Coffee on all social channels.

Would love to connect with you there and see how I can best support you. And then lastly, our torch academy, Be The Torch Academy, jump on the waitlist, be part of a brotherhood of men just like yourselves who have children, who have businesses, who want to be an amazing coach. Intimate, connected, you know, full of, of communication and sex and love and all that fun stuff. Guys that want to be like that. They want to be successful and thrive in all areas of life.

If that's for you and you want to be held accountable to reaching that level of success, then Be The Torch Academy is a fantastic place for you to go. Other brothers just like you who are looking to, to grow and evolve. I want to be able to support one another. So thank you, my friends. We'll catch you on the next one.