"I'm a horrible human being. Well no you aren't you have cancer so you have a pass right? Isn't that the way it goes? Yeah, and this is the cancer episode!" Well now that Kelly has an excuse and Christi is still AWOL on the second half of the Dance Moms Cares Special, it should be smooth sailing from here with no more infighting. Right? Abby even has to step out to care for her mother, thereby giving the moms some Abby free time, things have to be smoothing sailing from here. Well it never is as...
Aug 26, 2024•51 min
"J ersey Shore is not doing this shit. Teen Mom is not doing this shit. No, the Dance Moms are. Housewives they would never!" Christi notes as there really is no other show on TV that would make someone unbox a stuffed Broadway Baby, who makes their grand return to haunt all those who lay eyes on it. This week we jump ahead just a little bit to the first half of the "Dance Moms Care Special", which aired during Season 4 but was filmed immediately after Nationals. You can tell it was filmed right...
Aug 19, 2024•59 min
"Those kids on that team want to beat you! Yeah I kind of think thats what happens when everyone there wants to beat you." On the second half of "The Big, Not So, Easy", its finally time for the ALDC and the Candy Apples to go head to head. "Coincidently" both teams show up at the same time, and the Candy Apples take up the opportunity to throw some shade over their missing members. Undeterred, the girls go out to give it their best. Mackenzie goes first with Dance Doctor, with the aim of retaki...
Aug 12, 2024•52 min
“We are doing an episode this week that I have been dreading for 12 years," mourns Christi as she can't wait any longer now that the ALDC is finally heading to nationals once more! It's been a long and arduous Season 3, but it all comes to a head on "The Big, Not So, Easy". Fair warning: this episode has a lot to take in so it's a two parter. Don't yell at us we've warned you! Nationals are being held in New Orleans so the ALDC settles into Off Broadway Dance Studio (or at lease a place nearby) ...
Aug 05, 2024•48 min
"I don't even know what episode it is. Season 3 Episode 36? There's so many episodes in Season 3, who thought this was a good idea!" exclaims Christi as it is indeed Episode 36 "Do-Si-Do and Do-Si-Don't". In order to stretch the season out as much as possible this week, Abby threatens that the girl's performance at In10sity Dance Buffalo Invitational will determine if they go to nationals or not. This is weird for many reasons. For one it's pretty clear who will and won't be going already, but a...
Jul 29, 2024•57 min
"Who would take their child to a dance class that, when the dance teacher tells you to do something, you have a fucking panic attack?" asks Kelly as she reflects on the moment she finally reached the end of her rope with Dance Moms on "Divas Las Vegas". While the show attempted to tie off the proceedings with a small moment of Abby being kind, Kelly knew she was done by the end of this week's competition in Las Vegas. True to her word last week, Abby gives both Brooke and Paige solos. However, s...
Jul 22, 2024•1 hr 4 min
"They always blame everything on me. Like Abby being there is because of me? I had to be there. I was forced to come back!" Kelly notes for what increasingly feels like the millionth time as the show attempts to use Kelly and her kids as drama fodder on "On-Again, Off-Again Abby". Abby is still out for the week but makes a special appearance at the ALDC to present Kelly with a threat. Abby doesn't want Kelly there, but if she "insists" then Abby promises to work her children to the bone with new...
Jul 15, 2024•1 hr 21 min
"If we're being honest, you cannot script Abby," admits Christi as she tries to articulate why Dance Moms was such a success and Dance Moms: Miami only ran one season. It's one of the many topics discussed on this week's bonus Q&A episode! If you're a member of the Back to the Barre Patreon then you already know it's the best place to get your questions answered directly by Christi and Kelly, but not ever listener is a subscriber! We thought what better way to wrap up this 4th of July holida...
Jul 08, 2024•41 min
"This was the greatest moment in Dance Moms history as far as I was concerned." exclaims Christi since Abby is away "with her mother" and Gia is left in charge on "Gone, Abby Gone". There isn't even a Pyramid this week, how could this not be the best week ever? Cause Abby still found a way to make it awful! But most of that wasn't shown on camera, so prepare for a lot of 4th wall breaking to find out what really went down that Fourth of July weekend in 2013. Kelly is contractually forced to brin...
Jul 01, 2024•57 min
"What do we do with [Broadway Baby]? Put a Big Mac inside of her!" jokes Kelly as after many months of waiting Abby finally is reunited with Broadway Baby's stuffed corpse on "The Dancing Dead". But as Christi and Kelly point out, it's pretty obvious that Broadway Baby got a bit more than a facelift at the taxidermist. While the show notes Baby has a new set of eyes, the fur looks remarkable whiter than when Baby was alive! If the fur isn't even Baby's... could you even call this Broadway Baby a...
Jun 24, 2024•1 hr 16 min
"Crabapples? I wonder how many things we can say that's not Candy Apples? We really go for it." observes Christi as the second half of "Clash of the Dance Moms" boils down to quite a lot of name calling and not much else. This week the ALDC is competing at Believe National Talent Competition in Lancaster, PA with Payton and Leslie filling in for the Hylands. Leslie is gunning for a permanent position, dragging Kelly's name through the mud every chance she gets and keeps reminding eveyroen to ima...
Jun 17, 2024•54 min
"We're not going to lose to that evil woman. I'm the only evil woman in your life. Well that's for sure." jokes Kelly while enjoying the fact she's still in exile during this week's episode. As "Clash of the Dance Moms" kicks off Abby is makes her disdain for Kelly's absence abundantly clear as Paige and Brooke are slotted at the bottom of the pyramid. With Kelly unable to criticize Abby, attention turns to Holly who is upset at Nia's middling placement on the Pyramid. Holly says she believes Ni...
Jun 10, 2024•1 hr 3 min
"We're not three minutes in and I want to puke," groans Christi as Dance Moms moves away from recaps and back into the thick of it with "Recital Rebellion". It's time once again for the annual ALDC recital and, in the intervening weeks since filming, it seems that something has gone amiss because even before Pyramid begins its clear everyone is on edge. No one more-so than Kelly, who is immediately greeted with Paige being placed at the bottom of the Pyramid for a minor error. When Kelly points ...
Jun 03, 2024•1 hr 36 min
"We want to know how long it's going to take for somebody to come and try and arrest us. Wouldn't that be hysterical if we got arrested here? It would be a full circle moment and obviously about a decade in the making," our lovely Bitches observe as they reunite in person for a visit back to the old ALDC studio (wine bottle in hand and 100% not trespassing in any way) to cover Season 3's "Abby's So Far This Season..." Yes, it's yet another another recap episode! Why wasn't this aired after the C...
May 20, 2024•50 min
“This next scene is genuinely one of the wildest scenes I’ve ever seen on television. I cannot believe the words that are going to come out of Melissa’s mouth,” notes Christi as Abby's long not-awaited return to the ALDC heralds just as much drama as one would fear on "Tap Versus Hip Hop". If Pyramid weren't enough to dredge back up the Chloe loosing to Maddie debacle from the previous competition, Abby once again pits the two girls against one another with dueling solos. While Maddie gets a tap...
May 13, 2024•1 hr 24 min
“You get so much accomplished without ever moving all that much. God he keeps bringing that up!” Christi and Kelly note as even the guests struggle to breath life into "Dance Moms Chatter: Part 2". Although Abby is still in LA filming Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition , she stuck around long enough for a sit down talk with Melissa, Jeff, guest comedian Alec Mapa and blogger Nadine Rajabi. But unlike last week where the producers could bring out Black Patsy and showcase drama clips in an attempt ...
May 06, 2024•1 hr
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Apr 29, 2024•2 min
"My obnoxious level in this episode escalates very quickly," notes Christi as before "Dance Moms Chatter Part 1" can even begin she's already pretty drunk. But in a rare occurrence, Christi and Kelly don't have to hide their booze in coffee cups because this week, martini glasses are out in the open! With Jeff Collins moderating it's clip-show week on Dance Moms with special guests Patsy, internet blogger Nadine Rajabi and comedian Lisa Arch. Christi is famously not a fan of these episodes as it...
Apr 22, 2024•1 hr 10 min
"I could watch a 24 hour live stream of the shit that Cathy and Vivi talk about," remarks Christi as Season 3's "No Room for Rotten Apples" is another Cathy-centric episode. It's not the most eventful of affairs as the producers even included an inordinate amount of dance footage this week to compensate, but what is there is... deeply weird. For example: Cathy puts Vivi in charge of cataloguing her entire collection of ceramic bunnies. Why? Who knows! Cathy introduces The Apple Tree, her Cathy-t...
Apr 15, 2024•1 hr 25 min
On this special episode of Back to the Barre, Christi and Kelly invite you to join them live from Mom's Weekend at Ohio University for a moderated Q&A in front of a nearly 1000 person crowd! With so many great questions from both the moderators and the audience, it only seemed fit to share them with our little Bitchettes as we're certain you've all been dying to ask some of these questions yourself! Like what do Christi and Kelly think of the Jojo Siwa rebranding? Do they care about the Jojo...
Apr 08, 2024•1 hr 14 min
“You were in Aruba and I had to work on my vacation, so I deserved a coffee cup,” Kelly says as she reflects on how unfair it was that even though the moms were ostensibly promised time off while Abby was filming Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, she still got stuck being a stooge for the production this week while Christi enjoyed some R&R. Season 3's "An Apple a Day Keeps Abby Away" doesn't quite shake the ALDC entirely, but it's a Candy Apples centric episode this week as the producers se...
Apr 01, 2024•1 hr 33 min
“This is like Top of the Pyramid for Suckular behavior,” says Christi as things really do suck on "Two Girls, One Solo". First of all, what sicko thought it was ok to name the episode THAT!? There are children here! Second, this episode is easily in Christi's Top 3 worst Dance Mom experiences so you know it's a rough one. Abby preps the next "powerful" group number, one that's dedicated to those living with cancer. It's a subject she cares about deeply, having lost her father to cancer. It hits ...
Mar 25, 2024•1 hr 12 min
What could have ticked Kelly off enough to once say, “I always knew in the back of my head that the day would come where Christ would stab me in the back, and you know what? She did...”? If you ask either Kelly or Christi now they'd be hard pressed to give you an answer! It's time once again for Christi and Kelly to be fighting one another for some reason as the second half of "Boy Crazy, Mom Crazy" just about has everyone up in arms. Jill still believes Kelly is taking the opportunity Abby has ...
Mar 18, 2024•1 hr 2 min
“I’m ready to shoot myself” is not something you want to hear aloud too often, but this week our beloved Bitches find themselves repeating that A LOT as they struggle to get through what might the first episode to really push them over the edge. "Boy Crazy, Mom Crazy" is such a wild episode that this recording managed to be almost two hours long and we still only managed to cover half the episode! Abby is unsurprisingly upset with the ALDC after losing again to Cathy and spends Pyramid calling K...
Mar 11, 2024•1 hr 46 min
"On a regular Dance Moms episode you drink on a scale from one to five. A reunion is a one to ten scale," says Christi as the Bitches start the 2nd Part of Season 3's reunion special "Tell All". While it might be a pretty easy episode for Christi herself, there's still enough Abby depravity to go around! Kristie Ray joins the discussion and goes on the offensive, taking the other moms to task for complaining about Asia crying. This is confusing to Jill as she professes that none of the moms care...
Mar 04, 2024•1 hr 27 min
“This is not an opportunity to set the record straight, HERE is the opportunity now 10 years later to set the record straight,” explains Christi as even when the moms got to explain themselves, they were never REALLY allowed to. Consequently there's no hell for our Bitches quite like a Dance Mom's Reunion episode, and Season 3's "Tell All" is a two parter to make matters worse. It's always an excuse to get everyone riled up, and it riles these moms still a decade later. From the awkward stools t...
Feb 26, 2024•1 hr 17 min
“God, the first statement [of the episode] irritated me” says Kelly as she straps in for "The Mother of All Specials", Dance Mom's own Mother's Day celebration. For a show with plenty of moms you'd imagine the producers could focus in on pretty much any one of them, and yet this is an Abby centric episode. As Abby says, "Whom knows more about being a mother than Abby Lee Miller?" As these Bitches would like to point out, Abby does not have kids! But Abby does have her own mother, Maryen Lorrain ...
Feb 19, 2024•1 hr 22 min
"How does Abby get to call him an ass like that and then acted shocked when he responds back," wonders Christi as things begin to go downhill fast on the second half of "Candy Apple Showdown". With the ALDC arriving at the Masters of Dance Art Invitational, Kelly preps for what remains one of her worst Dance Mom memories. Things get off to a rocky start with Cathy and Vivi M.I.A., so Abby has to start taunting Cathy's Dance Dads instead. But Dance Dad Rick's aggressive response to these gestures...
Feb 12, 2024•48 min
Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [BARRE] at LumeDeodorant.com! #lumepod www.LumeDeodorant.com “This is a drinky episode,” says Christi as she announces drink four only three lines into the first page of the "Candy Apple Showdown" notes. Though Bitch #1 and #2 are both incapable of drinking along this week, unfortunately for them this hulking two hours of an episode was just too much for one sitting, so they ...
Feb 05, 2024•1 hr 16 min
"The foot is done!" exclaims both Christi and Kelly as the arduous Mackenzie's Broken Foot Saga finally comes to a close. After all, would Melissa let Mackenzie's foot stay broken if it meant not getting to dance on The View? On Season 3's "The View From the Top", the ALDC hits New York for a special appearance on The View that is being guest hosted by Abby, all the while prepping for Masters of Dance Art Invitational the following day. In short the group needs to learn and rehearse five routine...
Jan 29, 2024•1 hr 38 min
