Ike Barinholtz #4

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Monica Mouse. Hi there. Today we have 12-time returning guest, Ike Barenholtz, now an award-winning actor and comedian. The studio, the Mindy Project, Blockers, Neighbors, Running Point. And he has a new podcast out now that I have been on, I'm proud to say. I hadn't been at the time of this interview and I have since. Yes. It's called Funny You Ask.

And I'm telling you, it is a blast. You do trivia and you shoot the ship. We do a little trivia in this episode, and I want to just I did not represent my people well. Okay. Any of my people. Indian people, American people, um, women, um uh under forties. Humans, really. I did a bad job and I'm sorry. Mermaids.

Mermaids. Bad look for mermaids. It really was came out of nowhere in your defense. You weren't prepped. No, I'm just bad at trivia. That's fine. What does it get you? If anyone wants to like give me lessons, trivia lessons. DM me. Oh, I bet you're gonna get actually a lot of offers. Men love teaching women things. Oh god, you're right. Oh please enjoy Ike Barenholtz.

Welcome back to our most returning guest. Am I number one now? No. You're not. No, I'm not. Andrew Huberman's been on 17 times or some shit. We've only had one Huberman appearance. I was told on the first double video. That sounds accurate. Double penetration. Double penny. That's double evil. Man, we're starting off right away. Right in that hot. Never work blue.

Funny, that's rule number one. Never wear blue. Never work blue. It has been virtually a year on the dot. Really? Since your last appearance. Makes sense. It feels like a checkup, like a physical. Oh boy. And then it got me wondering how on top of that are you?'Cause I'm gonna have my physical next week and I have a colonoscopy Monday, so I'm right in the throes of lots of Health scheduling. I had my physical Monday. You did? I did. Okay, great. A fasting physical, or you got to just arrive?

I can't have anything but water in the morning, which is so hard. And coffee. Black coffee. You can have black coffee, but I need like half and half. I'm such a basic little I need my half and half and That one morning, I was like, I was like in a bad mood for like 45 hours. But it was good. He's a great doctor. He checks my prostate for like an hour.

Oh. It's like a full extended remix. He has his his worries, or that's for everyone. Did I tell you the I don't know if I told you this? The first time I had him check my prostate, I didn't know what to expect. Personally, there's not been a whole lot.

In that direction in that place. Right, right. Historically. You put your own finger in your butt. Not really. Never. Not really. You were like I was a teenager and I was like masturbating and I thought, Mm, I wonder if this like I was just trying every single thing. There was just some things that I was just like

I don't need to do that. Okay. Not interested. Okay. No, it's a personal thing. And even as like a crazy perverted Jewish teenager, I was like, I'm gonna skip that one. Yeah, I'll skip that one. So suffice to say you probably never ever had anything in your buttons. Nothing substantial for more than a few

Okay, okay. It wasn't a feeling I was longing to return to. Sure, sure. You know, maybe like one point like a long time ago. Okay. Sure, sure, a little tips. Yeah, I mean exploratory. Anyways, he gets in there with his Friggin' hand. Oh boy. Woo! Felt crazy. I was like, oh it's done in two seconds.

And I was so happy it was done. He goes, oh, your prostate is perfect. Oh. He didn't do that. Oh my God. That would have been disgusting had he done the chef's kids. But he handed me like a box of tissues. He says, You can use that to wipe the lube out. And for s reasons I'll never know, I went, I'm fine. Like it was emasculating to white. I wanted just to kind of move past it. Yeah, you wanted it to be over. And I didn't want to be like, thank you. So I was like, I'm good. And he goes, Okay.

And and then like the next ten minutes I'm just kinda like Oh sloppy Sloppin sliding around. Yeah. Getting all squishy on the table. So now I wipe it out. You have to. Some other drive home down Wilshire just like Yeah, potentially bleeding through under the seat. It's no blood. Oh no, seeping during seeping, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bleaching. Leeching. Bleaching. I don't need that stuff leaching into my uh Lincoln.

Uh anyways, I went on Monday, it was great, everything was really good. And he got in there again. Every time. The colonoscopy is only every couple years. The prostate's every year. The digital exam, they say. Yeah. The colonoscopy. Have you ever had one before? Oh yeah, I've had so many. Yeah. Yeah. You have like one a week. I used to'cause in my family I had on my mother's side an uncle that had a colossum.

And then my cousin that was my age had to have one in his twenties. Woo! So that is family history, but so I was going from 18 every three years. I can't tell you how many. And then I finally saw one out here and he goes. It doesn't really generally move on the maternal side. Like you don't need to get this many. So then I backed off for a while and now I'm back in a five year rotation. Good. I will say I love the nap. Sure. Michael Jackson nap. I'm already rehearsing my

charming pitch to them. Okay. Because first they give you verset to relax you. But then they hit you with the propofol really quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that little window of Versette is all I get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's once every five years. Tell them like, you know, drop the verset, then go make a phone call, get some coffee, come back, and then we'll do the propofol.

Exactly. And so I gotta roll that out in the least addicty, most charming way possible. Where they don't think I'm a drug seeker just getting this procedure to get that 30 seconds of her set. So it's a fine line I'm walking. The worst part though is for me is The prep the night before the soup prep. I drink it. It tastes like poison that has gone bad.

Fired poison. Turned poison. And it is like comical. How quickly you go from like, I'm on a zoom, everything's cool, to like fucking Lloyd from Dumb and Dumb are just whoa. Torrential's the only adjective monsoon season. Yes. In my bathroom. Are you gonna weigh yourself before and after? You know how neurotic I am about all this. And also my procedure's kind of late on Monday, so that day I went and I'm like, I'm gonna lose like

Like five pounds probably. So the last couple of days I've been eating ferociously, knowing we have this moment of scarcity coming. But I kind of knew it was coming and this didn't occur to me until this morning. So Kristen hosts the SAG Awards on Sunday. Yeah. Yes, he's doing a bit for us, which we are very, very grateful for.

So what we did last year was like I bring the kids up and we hang backstage and it's really fun. We get to see mom. And so that's of course the plan again this year. And then just this morning I'm brushing my teeth and I said, uh Kristen, I said You know, love, I'm going to be evacuating every fifteen, twenty minutes on Sunday. That's my prep day. Oh I'm a little nervous about the logistics of me juggling two kids in a public diaper.

You gotta die up, baby. It's gonna smell so bad. And it's a communal bathroom, you know? And it's all my heroes and I'm gonna be in and out of there with Torrential sounds just blasting off next to Stellan Skarsgar. I loved it. He wins his award and he's like, I just want to say Beck Shepherd gave the best one a paint job before The real suffering.

I knew suffering until I shared a bag. This really does need to be thought through. Yeah, you gotta make a plan. I can already predict what's gonna happen. I know me and I know my history. So I'm gonna load up at noon. And start the process and I know By four I'm gonna say it's all done. We're safe to go kids in the car.

We know this is gonna happen. But we can't make the show about your poop. You're gonna be hugging Ted Danson and you're just gonna I can't not go to this for Kristen and not bring the kids. So this is gonna happen. But I already know that I'm gonna be way too confident by four PM when I leave for the show, I'll be like, Yeah, I had four hours of it. There's nothing left. Start earlier. Start at nine. Yeah. But will that fuck up the whole Yes.

I just decide like fuck it, let's go all in. This is gonna be miserable. Let's go for it. Oh no. But these are the weirdest things you can't really anticipate or plan for. It's like we had a bulletproof Schedule, and now I'm gonna be flushing out my whole lower GI. My mistake I learned was the day after because I was so hungry and I was like, I'm gonna treat myself. And I ordered from

Rest in peace, son of a gun. One of my favorite restaurants. Was that a sandwich shop? It was like a New England seafood place, but they had like lobster rolls, fries. By the John and Vinny's people. That is like Taking a riding mower onto the Autobahn. You know what I mean? Where I was just like not ready for what that brought. So that's a bummer. So eat light.

You know what's funny for me? Every time I do it, I get the craving for the exact same thing. It's McDonald's French fries. Oh yeah, those are good. Second I get in there I'll be like, Oh, I'm about a couple hours away from McDonald's French fries. That's a nice tree. That's a nice tree. Yeah, yeah. Those are good. Makes the whole thing almost worth it. Now back to your digital exam on your prostate. Yeah.

Your mind must go to the exact same place. Mine does one hundred percent. I think even maybe if you could count us down on three. What do you wanna do the second he puts his finger in your button? You count us down from three. Let's see if we get lucky. Three, two, one. Moon River. Oh, wow. Damn, I thought for sure we'd get that. Blood pump pump spray. Moonripper is a reference from Flet Flesh. Oh, thank you. I was like, what the fuck?

Fuck but I knew he and then and then Doc using the whole fist. Using the whole fist up there, Doc. Did you watch the Chevy documentary? I did. I started and I stopped. You did? Yeah. Tell me why because it was just bumming me out. Full disclosure. I have heard nothing but horrible stories about him for years. Oh uh for guys like us, he was a big, big guy. National Lampoon's Vacation. I'm sorry, it's like one of my favorite movies. Still to this day. It's so fucking great.

Fletch is great. He was just really funny. And some people like I understand they didn't connect with him. I get it, because his air is just not for everyone. That's kind of what he's playing up. But I heard all these stories for years and then I started watching it. I was like, I just wanna have the memory. Yeah. You know? There are several different things that could have been the things that took you out of it. So so that's why I'm curious. Is it that like

Here's a guy who is now doing small shows to support himself. Is it that? It's a bummer. Is it how he's treating the interviewer? Bummer. I loved him. And then just got more and more depressed every time I heard stories of people who worked with him, right? But I watched the doc and I ended up with like kind of a lot of compassion for him. I mean think he had a very fucked up childhood for sure. And I will say seems like he's a really good dad and husband now. Loves his family. Yeah.

It's tough. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. Here's what gave me the compassion is I think there is a category of person who's an asshole. and they don't give a fuck and they're not even questioning it. And then I think there are people that are assholes and they themselves are suffering greatly from it. There's no Yeah, fuck you and I don't care and there's no wreckage or bill to pay. But when I'm watching that I'm like, Yeah, he's deeply uncomfortable. A lot of the time in his own

skin and he's got impulse shit and he's probably ADHD and all these things and he's an addict. I don't think the guy's winning. It's not like he's feeling great about being this asshole. But I guess to me he was winning for so long. I never get someone who had it and then just kind of threw I would say misbehavior a little bit. Yeah, yeah. It's hard for me to really find the sympathy there. Like I don't think he's

full man. Right. But I just wanna remember him talking to like Eugene Levy in vacation and that will be my memory of him. I don't need to see him old and feeble and like Yelling at like a woman who was like asking him questions. Yeah, yeah. Cranky. Did you make it to the part though where they go through his talk show that he did? No, but I remember that talk show. Okay. The goldfish piano.

It was one of the biggest bombs. Right in 1994, it was talk show mania. Sally Jesse had one. Sally Jesse had one. Arsenio Hall. Joan Rivers tried one. Uh why is there only Johnny Carson? Everyone started one and then Chevy was like the big blue chip new talk show for ninety-four? I can't remember the exact year. He was completely unsuited for it. So that's the part I would have liked. for you to have seen. Because This guy is defined by his confidence. He just

Starts right away on St. Live. Like when you see that early footage of him, it's how much swag he had. Yeah. So much fucking swagger. And then he's playing the piano confidently. He's doing everything. He's ridden on the superpower of confidence.

And he gets on that stage and they show the footage and he already kind of s knows it's not going to be great. And to see him having lost that entirely, you can feel it. As you and I, and you, anyone who's a performer that's been on stage to watch that dude have to.

go out there every night with zero confidence and just suffer through it until they kill it. He certainly took some on the chin along the way. He gave a lot he gave way too much out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he also suffered like a motherfucker. He suffered.

But I suffered when I watched Nothing But Trouble. Which was a very bad movie, folks. Folks not good. The other dog I wanted to ask you about that I presume you watched is Did you watch the Scorsese one? That I like inhaled. He's your guy. He is the boy. He's the guy. All of his movies. Anytime they're on TV I'll watch all of them. He's the greatest and the doc was amazing. I could have watched another three or four parts of it. Okay, but now Annie's sadness. Now I guess you run the risk of like

He was on the show and maybe he'll be back. So maybe you have some personal relationship with him. He's a coaster, he's a close friend. I had breakfast with him this morning. Is he who dropped you off? He dropped me off. Okay. He hangs out in LA and runs errands. He's great for airport. Yeah. I can be landing.

At LAX. And right when they say you turn your phone on, I can text him. And wherever he's at in the city, he'll come and get me and the kids. Yeah. He's got sadness in his life. The things that I thought were really helpful is You just look at his career in the totality and you really ignore that he had tons and tons of value.

And he had tons of back to the drawing boards. So that stuff is really encouraging. Even in the doc, and he's be the first to admit it, if Leo doesn't come around and say, I want to work with you. Don't know what's gonna happen. He is not getting movies made and he is not getting people signing up at that moment in his career. And Leo takes him on a ride that is Incredible. And he's a real savior at that moment.

Oh yeah. Well because he does casino which is bomb but then he's so cool that then he makes like the age of innocence which is like a complete departure from him and then he does the Nick Cage movie which again totally crazy different movie it doesn't work. It doesn't really work financially and stuff, yes. He owns it in the dock. Leo, he definitely which makes me just love Leo more. I love that guy.

I like being reminded, yeah, you could be as talented as Martin Scorzese. And then also the luck gods need to be on your side too. And then ultimately though. I will say, and this is super selfish, but he paid an enormous price to be as good as he was. He was so hyper focused and he ignored everything in his life. Yes. And all the wives will tell you that. He'll say it. The kids will say it. And for me I was just watching it and I was like, I'm very sad with this.

that's not the outcome I'm looking for. I guess I don't give a fuck about being a genius. Me personally, if it came down to my family, both the one I have here and the one in Vegas. Uhhuh. Sure. And an Academy Award opportunity that made you ignore them for two years. Right. I'm

more of that guy where I'm just like, I'll work less, whatever. He's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm grateful for us. I'm very grateful for that because of the work he gave us. But also there is something now about like seeing him with Francesca now and his daughter and it feels like he is at peace now. He is connected to his family. I think their relationship is beautiful. I think she looks at herself as like a steward of his

Art. Yeah. And also putting him, I don't know if you guys follow her on TikTok, but like the videos of her and him together are so Fucking adorable and wholesome and so good. And so I had Seen all that before the doc, knowing where he's at now, that didn't hit me as much. I was just grateful. I was grateful he made it out of the 70s.

Most of the great guys out of the 70s never made it out. He spent a couple of years inside doing coke with fucking aluminum foil on the windows. A crazy man with coke and asthma condition and like going crazy. And so I'm just grateful that he made it out. Can you imagine? If he didn't, we'd never had good fellows. So like it would be such a shitty world.

So my takeaway was just like I'm so happy for him. I know it sounds crazy for a guy that I worked with for like five hours one day, but my takeaway was like he's a close friend. Him and Dave Stassen are my two closest friends. Ike you since we saw you have become a very Winning.

Man. Hashtag winning. You've been winning. And how's it changed your personality? I'm a dick. Yeah. In on an interpersonal level now. I never had that before, but I'm very short and rude with my friends. Can we hurry this fucking thing up, by the way? Yeah. I'm surprised you even came back if I'm being honest. Absolutely nothing has changed. But does it make you feel like, ooh, I kinda wanna keep chase like now you're in this elite.

For years you're you're like, I don't give a shit about award shows. Then you get nominated for one, you're like, I'm excited for this award. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. The only one that I actually won, I think, was the critic's choice. But I remember I got nominated for an Emmy and people who are well meaning and intention will say to you, like,

You're for sure gonna win. Right. Oh yeah, trust me. And then you start to be like, yeah, I'm gonna win. Yeah. And then you start to craft little narratives in your head. You have people on your team, your friends who are like, It's either you or Harrison Ford.

Yeah. And that's just what it's gonna be. And so I remember being not shocked, but being like, Holy shit, I didn't win, Harrisborne, what the fuck? And being like mad. Yeah And then the next day being so mad that I was mad about this shit. Yeah. So I remember going into the critic's choice being like, I'm not paying attention to this going in. This is wonderful. I'm honored, but I'm just like I'm not gonna allow myself to be caught being upset about it. Yeah. Then I remember

second they call the category, I was like, Oh, please pick me, pick me up. Honest, yes. That's that's the honest truth, I think. But I think everyone feels that way even if they say that. Yes, they do. Had you written a speech that you were excited to deliver?

'Cause you're a great writer and you're a live performer. For the Emmys I did. Critic's choice I did not because I was just like, I'm not gonna win. I'm not gonna think about it. I'm not gonna put myself in that position again. So then I wanna suck out fuck. So then I just was like, I love my wife. She loves me so much. Please come up here. Well, I did when I when I got up there.

The first thing I did was just look in the crowd and locked eyes with Benicio. And I was like, nah, I can't do that. Mustn't do that. It's too cool for me, man. So cool. Can't gaze upon him. In general, that show, the few I've been at.

Where it's at, it kinda sweeps. It's uh insanely winning show. I think it's won everything. It's been up for more or less. Yes. Crazy. Yeah. So the vibe of all being together and going to the different things together. Is this a party? Most fun. Seth is the greatest guy and Evan Goldberg is So fun. Katherine Hahn. Chase Sweet Wonders is the funniest. It's a great, great group and good people to be with.

at those things. No, I wanna ask this this question is dicey in that it may sound like I'm implying something. I'm not I'm genuinely curious. You've been on a bunch of different things that have worked. I don't know what ratings are and stuff. Is America like we are all the studio a hundred percent. How does it compare to being on like Mindy or Running Point? I don't know. I know that a lot of people come up who are not in the business. Like I was just fly we just flew to Canada.

And the guy sitting in front of us was watching the studio and I could kind of see it. And he stood up to go to the bathroom and looked at me and goes, I want you to know I was watching that before I saw you. I love when people not in the business.

Love the show. Like that is very cool. And I think they did a good job, even though the show is no matter what about the business inside baseball. They do hit on themes that are pretty universal. Everyone's got like a boss who's annoying or they want credit for an idea. Like my friend Debbie.

She's like, I want you to know my husband literally does not watch TV. He doesn't watch anything except Ohio State sports. Okay. He loves a studio. And now I'm like, that's great. We're gonna like it. Because we know we've been in these situations. I think in this day and age.

For a show to work, it either has to have huge ratings, like running point, or um or has good ratings slash great ratings. People love it. Critics love it. It wins awards. I imagine the studio kind of falls in that category where people watch it. It gets good numbers, but it's not like a Netflix like running point, which is like a big global global Kate Hudson. Global global. It's global. I'm a globalist. But it's my favorite show.

show to work. It's so fun. Everyone's so great. It's just wonderful people. So you guys have already shot season two or you're in the process. Right now, my man. You're doing it right now. We're doing it right now. Literally. And what is your work schedule like on that? It's not light. We're able to break off a couple hours for this or that, for this. It is weird. It's not your typical show where it's like

Okay, today is just Chase and then tomorrow is all of us. And then it's just Seth. It's like usually everyone's in every scene and the way they shoot it. I think there was a time where I got there and they were like, You actually don't think you're gonna be in this. And I was like, Okay. It's one of those shows where you just Just completely surrender to the schedule. You're on call.

You're like an O B. I am. I've been doing some amateur OB. You're kind of a hobbyist. I'm more of a hobbyist. Enthusiast, like OB one Kenobi. Is that anything if your baby doctor's last name was Kenobi? My OB is Kenobi. Oh it's gonna take a lot of setup. It's gonna take a lot of setup. I'll just say that. What if um your last name was Kenobi?

Yeah. You should probably go into obsession. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like it's like just let's have some fucking fun guys. Come on. Okay, so you're doing that one right now and then is running point in production? Running point is not in production, but we're starting to kind of Get some ideas together for season three. So you've already completed season two. Season two is it's what they call in the business.

In the can, baby. Okay, nice. Have you seen Song Song Glue, by the way? No, I've heard it so. I keep hearing it's great. The movie's so good. Her performance, it's one of the best I've seen in so long. I was so

Fucking happy for her because I remember her telling me about this movie. She's like, it's really fun. It's me and Hugh and I knew the band that it's about. You did? Yeah, because they were in Chicago. People would be like, I was in Milwaukee last weekend. I saw this Neil Diamond cover band.

It's a lady. So I remember them. I remember Pearl Jam having them open for Pearl Jam that's in the movie. And then she told me about the movie and she's like, and I think it she said it's gonna come out on Christmas Day. And I was like Focus Features is putting a movie out on Christmas Day. They think it is really good. And I saw it, we went to the screening and like months, months ago.

It was so embarrassing how hard I was crying. Oh, really? It's emotional. And she is so great at it. I hope she wins the Oscar. She just killed it.

How much are you crying these days? You're approaching fifty, right? You're around the corner? No. What the fuck? What kind of weird question is that? I'm sorry. I'm way off. 36. Yeah. I gotta go, guys. Yeah. I'm sure you're late to something. I'm approaching. You're forty nine, right? I'm forty nine. Okay, go just turn forty nine. I cry not maybe as much, but more violently and worse.

Oh, okay. So frequency is the same, but don't just maybe actually a little less. Yeah,'cause before it was crying like, I'm having fun watching TV. Nice commercial. Now I'm just stoic, stoic, stoic and then life stuff happens or the external world happens and I'll go into like my closet. And what are the triggers? Daddy daughter stuff? How do we do a daddy daughter stuff?

Daddy daughter stuff's not too bad, only because I think my kids are a little younger than yours and they're still in the we love dad and want to hang out. But interstellar, once I had a baby, it's like, oh, this guy's gonna miss his daughter's life. I'm destroyed. I was in Italy for two and a half weeks away from my family.

And I'm flying back home. And I was like, man, I haven't watched Interstellar in a minute. Oh, horrible idea. And you just missed two and a half weeks of your family's life. The scene when he walks in, he's like, Oh my God, it's my daughter, Murph. I fucking lost it on all Italia. Yeah. Like Robert De Niro would analyze this. Fuck it. To me, it's more like we are at the age now where people are dying.

Where you have life catching up, you have friends with kids that get sick. That's the real shit. That's the stuff where you're crying and you don't feel silly about it. Where you're like, I fucking need to do this. And then there's just the random things. Like I watched a clip the other day of I want to say it was maybe the Liverpool. Football club. Soccer match? Not gonna cry talking about it, but it was them and it was like a halfway there. Yeah. Don't give me every detail.

sweet handicapped kid and they show up at his school and they're like, Who's a Liverpool fan? And he's like, I am and they take him Yeah. They take him to the stadium and they meet every player and then they put him on the sidelines. And I was like, I'm an Arsenal fan, but I like I might have to switch to Liverpool now. That was like eight oh seven on the toilet.

Sub But it's still overall less than it was probably a year ago, a couple years ago. I don't know why, maybe because I'm f You're too busy, maybe. Maybe too busy. Yeah, we have a theory that these older men it's all burbled up their whole life and it's coming out all the time. Dax cries every day. Yeah, yeah. Especially the older guys Growing up in the eighties, if you cried in front of one of your buddies, it was like

Your family had a better just been blown up in a car ball. There was a stigma to it. And then it started in the nineties. You started seeing like modern dads. And now it is a good thing. Anyone who says it's bad, that's nonsense. It's good to I can get it out. If you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart.

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My frequency rate just has gone like this. Yeah. Well, you're very emotional. Like I'm an emotional guy. I think you are more emotional than me. That might be true, but I think it was very hidden. Well you're sensitive. I'm very sensitive. I bet I'm more sensitive than yours. Yes, yeah. Yours are now what six, eight, and twelve? Eight, ten, and twelve. The 12 year old. I have a 12 year old. Yes. Have we started to have any moments where they break your heart?

Oh my god. Yeah. And were you prepared for it and even though you'd been told about it, do you find yourself going like wow, I'm so deeply hurt in this moment and I know I'm not supposed to be? For me, it's like small things. I try not to let it affect me.

For instance, a couple weeks ago, I love to cook Five Nights a week, they say. Pretty much. If I'm not shooting, easy five nights a week. One night's burgers, one night maybe we'll go get ramen or something. But I cooked dinner, so excited. Made my daughter's favorite things. And at four o'clock she was like, Hey, I'm gonna sleep at Lula's and I was like, Yeah, you should. You should. Yeah. I'm so happy you have a good friend.

Yeah. I would never be like, no. Oh, what the fu I'm making cutlets of mashed potatoes. So there's moments like that. once you get a little bit older, I feel like that's when it will really start to kinda hit more. I feel bad like when they feel bad about something. Oh right. That's like empathy kind of thing of like, oh, they're having a hard time with This, I get mad for my daughter when she has to do a ton of homework. Don't you remember it as a kid being like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, yeah. What a scam. It's bullshit. I go to school all day. Yeah. Busting my ass. Meanwhile, I was not even. Then I gotta come home and deal with this shit. No. And so I've always hated homework and seeing them have to do like hours of homework, I'm like Just let it be kids. Have you had a Valentine's heartbreak yet?

No, not a Valentine's. She has been perfect amount of healthy detachment when it comes to boys. Okay. We're clearly like her and her girlfriends talk about, and some of her girls are boy crazy. All love Timothy Chalamet, right? There's like some go-to's. Here's who they love. Timothy? Is a big one. I get it. Yep, we all get it. My oldest daughter loves Tyler, the creator. Oh great pick. She just thinks he's so cool. She like wants to be his friend. And then who else does she like?

She had a huge crush on Anthony Davis. Played for the Lakers for years. Oh, okay. It was like seven fourteen. He's so dreamy. Timmy and Tyler, I'd say, are the ones like I saw Tyler at like cookbook. Oh, I know he hangs out there. He loves it. I wanna pull up his spot. But you don't know which one. Don't say which one. When I told her that I saw him there, she was like, what?

Wow. Yeah. So he's cool. So she loves Marty Supreme then. We let her watch some of Marty Supreme, but it's with stressing her out a little. Yeah, it's a both very stressful. She loves Dune. Loves the Dune. I do too. So do I, man. He's one of these classic guys where it's like, I am predisposed to hate his gut. 'Cause he's the opposite of me. He's super guy who speaks French. Every girl loves him. I'm already mad at him. He's too good. Yeah. Did you guys see Marty Supreme? Yeah. Yes.

He's unreal. He's so good. I'm gonna just throw shit. I don't care. I've really enjoyed the movie. Yeah. He's so good. What the fuck is the guy from Shark Tank doing in there? He's the worst actor I've ever seen in my life. Wait, who? The fucking guy. Who is he? He's a wonderful bald guy. He's he's Gwenna's husband. Oh, I thought he sucked, and he's up there with two. Timmy who's acting his ass off and that guy's like I think he's also decided to recently go to war with Phineas's sister.

Billy Eilish. I think that guy has decided that what I'm saying is that the other thing is that the good idea for a ninety seven year old man to attack a twenty year old person. But I was just like, I know it's cool we put non actors in movies. In Marty Supreme, the guy who played his uncle. is a journalist named Larry Sloman, who was amazing. Mr. Wonderful did not do it. His eyes move around too much. He doesn't have the smoke. He doesn't have the

Smoke. I said it. Let's go. I'm gonna start so dialed in. The last time you were here, you educated us on gooning, which we knew nothing about. Oh yeah. That was helpful. Be getting deep into the goon community. We call it the G C in the G

G Z. Have you been asked to host any of these award shows? I am hosting the AVNs this year, the adult video show. Oh, great in Vegas. I'm going to Vegas for a couple weeks. They paid pretty well, right?

You're getting twelve grand. That's like I have to fly myself out there. I'm a local hire. Local hire. I I said I'd be a local hire. Yeah, of course. It's so close. Why not? Jrive there. It's fine I actually what I'll do, they'll give me a hundred dollar stipend for a flight and I'll drive and use the money. Okay for your hotel. No, they haven't.

Haven't would you? Yeah, yeah, I think so. I mean it depends. You instantly think of the worst ones, but then you think of Nikki Glazer. She killed it. So King Vunny, Conan, he's so good. So it's like there's people who are good doing it recently that you know you could be good. But then you just think of some of the rough ones.

Oh, I had this thought about you today when I was re-watching a lot of stuff. You're kind of fearless in that you'll take on a lot of stuff. You pivoted in the same way I did. Acting wasn't working. You started writing. Writing starts working really well. Now you're acting again back and forth. And we're gonna talk about your podcast. You're doing that. Do you ever feel a pull when you watch Chappelle? And he tells a story that is.

Woven together with so much great history that we're not aware of for the most part. He's always exposing some rad part of history that we've missed. And then he lands this plane and you're like, God, that was so fucking moving. Not that I think I'm Chappelle. I feel like I have the capacity to try to attempt to do a stand-up thing that has some kind of

substantive lasting message. Do you get that tug? Oh my God. I made a very conscious decision years ago. Cause people ask me, like, come and do stand up and I'd probably be a lot richer. If I had 10, 15, 20 years ago, the reason I didn't, it really does come down to laziness.

Because if you do stand up, at least at first, you gotta do it a lot. Yeah. Oh, you gotta do it a lot. That's the most consistent thing all comics say is like ten years in, you figure it out. Yeah. And I was just like, that's Such a big amount of time. I also didn't want to put myself in a position where I had that avenue and I could. Call an agent and be like,

See if you can book me a tempeh for like six shows in three nights because I'm broke or I need money and then I'm on the road. It was really the notion of being on the road, and this is even before I Kids. I'm a homebody. It's a hard life. It's a hard life. I was just like, I would rather try to make it work here. But when you see a great piece of stand, because there's a lot of shit stand-up now. Sure, sure, sure. There's no COVID created so many stand-ups, they glutted the market. Now there's

guys that are just like they don't even do jokes. I don't even know what the fuck they do. But when you see someone who is giving something that's like you said, substantial and the last you're like, that is so fucking cool. Don't walk out on stage by yourself, big crowd. And you're doing not just like dumb jokes and fucking crowd work, but profoundly funny and deep thoughts. Yeah. And people are cheering. You're like,

You know what I I would want to do one day? I did like a little thing on Broadway in December. Like a short little stint from the show All Out. It was so much fun. I had never done Broadway before. And I really loved it. And I've always wanted to do one of the greatest, I guess I'll call it a stand-up special, but it's more like a one-man show is Eddie Izzard did a show called Dress to Kill. This is probably in like 2000.

And you can watch it probably on YouTube and Eddie gets up there and it's like 90 minutes. Most of it is just like hysterical. It's just talking about why British people are the way they are and Americans and the Reformation and takes you just kind of on a tour of Western civilization from 1500 on. And it's so deeply funny and so smart. Yeah. And to do something like that one day would be like uh something down the road. I remember Chelsea Paretti.

who's one of the funniest stand-ups around, posting a photo years ago of her on her couch, feet wrapped in a blanket, watching some dumb show, could not look more comfortable. Uh-huh. And she's like, I have to be on stage at the improv in 12 minutes. Yeah, no. But you got cold. I know. Yeah. So one day, not today. This is neither here nor there.

What was Christmas this year? Because you had a great story of getting not recognized recognized at a bar, but you had twenty family members with you and I just wanted to know if that repeats. What was last week? It did not repeat itself. Christmas was more low key, but I was doing the show on Broadway right around Christmas, so I was in New York around then which you make that face, my own. Cozy facil hot chocolate. But the reality of it is

You're working and almost like living in Times Square. Oh. It's disgusting. Yeah. Christmas. You can't move. Bro, you can't move. And not even like Times Square. I'm talking like 58th and 8th. Sixty first and third. You're like, why are there seven thousand people at this walk sign?

And then when you're going through Times Square, it's crazy around Christmas. It's just like guys dressed as the Grinch, chain smoking and like yelling at someone on like an earpiece. And we had to do a show the night of Santa Cong. You know what SantaCon is? No, what's SantaCon? Santa Con or Santa Con? Santa Con. Okay. It's one of the most

Depraved. I can't believe there's not a documentary about it. Just hearing the name. There might be, and they might have been like, we can't air this. These people are too sick. This is like a week before Christmas on a Friday night or a Saturday night. All these people dress as Santa. And they just wreak havoc around New York. They go on a big bar crawl. They get blind drunk. My friend, Abby Jacobson was doing the show with me.

And she took the train in from Brooklyn and she said she got off at our stop and she's walked up the stairs and there are four guys dressed as Santa, all four of them are pissing against the wall. And Abby takes her earbuds out and she goes You're fucking disgusting. But it is a gross. You just see like girls dressed as Santa falling down, like face. Down in the gutter. Like guys walking into pizzeria

Vomit all over their fucking Santa. Everyone's living now Billy Bob Thornton's Bad Santa. How good is Bad Santa? Oh, it's the greatest. I'm a fucking lunch break. And that kid's like, do you want me to make you a sandwich? What's with you in the fucking sandwiches? What's with you in the fucking sandwiches, kid? I'm not your fucking dad. Yeah. Oh, it's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh uh

Uh another quick question. Back to studio. You and Seth combined seem to have about the deepest kind of Hollywood knowledge of people I know. When we were at but it was probably the Emmys. And Dan Gilroy won for Andor. And I was really confused because I thought, and this is where my knowledge extends, Tony Gilroy was the creator of Andor. Bro. I didn't know that. And I like looked over and said, Seth happened to be looking at me at the perfect moment and I said

Does he have a brother? And Seth goes, There's three of them. And I'm like, Of course he knows that. All I remember at that Emmys was sitting there. Seth is in the front row and Eric and uh my wife and I are right behind him and I couldn't have been hungrier. Oh so hungry. And Dax and K Bell are sitting right across the aisle from us. And I turn and I look.

And he's eating a fucking hot dog. I have the full spread. And I was like, How is he have access to a hot dog? Oh, I went out in gen pop and did the And stood in a long line and got any snack they had left. I went late and they were mostly all gone. I was really in the market for some popcorn, and that was gone. So anything they had left in the hot dogs. That was crazy. Eric was like, where did you get that? I'm like, I don't know. And I just lost a

I hate it here. Fucking podcasters. Yeah, yeah. But Seth knows a lot of it. I know a lot. Yeah, so when you guys are geeking out and getting esoteric on set, who goes deeper? I would say trying to be I probably if we were to play like the movie game. Yes. Do you not play the movie game? Name any movie. Uh Breaking Away. Breaking Away. And I would say Dennis Quaid. And then you would have to say a movie that Dennis Quaid was in. Parent trap. Parent trap.

And I say what? Someone else who is in parent trap, Lindsay. And I can't say Dennis Quaid. Let's say you you couldn't get one. Wow, yeah. You would get a letter and it's like whore. Oh great. If we were to play the movie game, I would probably beat him. Oh, okay. But it'd be a long game

He knows more I think about like the technical shit of like No, the lens has to be exactly that you know what I mean? Like no, that was shot on a Panasonic. He knows I think the filmmaking stuff more I probably know the trivia more. I mean you're a Champ. What'd you think, champion? Excuse me. Oh my god, you brought your Jeopardy mug. That's great. So weird that I grabbed that one. Okay. Last topic before your new podcast. You said nude to podcast, right?

Yeah. You're in a movie called Artificial. Yeah. And you're playing Elon Musk. Big deal, Ike. Well, I hope so. I haven't seen it. I'm nervous. But he's such a great director, that guy. Luca. Luca Guadalinho. Yes. Guadalinho. We're talking challengers. No, I mean movies are lobby by I'm like Zendaya. Oh my god, you lucky girl. It's my fucking dream. Who's the Josh O'Connor? That would be Andrew Garfield. And then the other one is your Bortisov.

It's not like challengers at all. Oh my God. I'm so excited. But it's a story of Open AI and Sam Altman. It's the open AI story, they tell it in a way only Luca can. Yeah, so walk me through how you end up in that movie, what your fear level is, all that stuff. I got a call, but they're like, Hey, they're making this movie and would like to talk to you about Elon.

And at first I was like, I'm not interested. I don't want anything to do with that fucking guy. But then they were like, it's Luca Guadanino and I'm a huge fan of it. I've been a fan for a very long time. I don't know if you've ever seen it. What's the fucking movie with Tilda Swenton and Ray Fines and Dakota Johnson. I love that movie. I loved uh I Am Love. His f I think it was one of his first movies. He's just like a

Beautiful storyteller, real master. So I was like, let me talk to Luca and we'll see. And I talked to him, and he's so Charming. But let's back up before he woos you. Is your reservation there's people you don't want to play or you're afraid you don't have the talents? I wanted to spend my whole fucking life. I wanted to die. And never have Elon Musk know my name. That was one of my goals in life.

So I would have to forsake that. But then I met with him. So it's just your detest for I just think they're dangerous guys. You will live a probably more blessed life if you're not on their ring. Nothing to do with it. Okay. That's just how I feel. But I Met with him and I told him my reservation, and he was like, Well, it's not about you, it's about you finding what makes him think he is human. Which I think is a very

smart way. It's not about whether or not you think he is. It's about whether or not he thinks a very age old you can't be judgmental of a character you're playing. You can't be. Or you can be, and it'll be a pretty cartoon. Well, and then it would just be like mad TV where I'm like, okay, everything's like so woke. Like, what are we doing? But this is like a real movie, and it takes place.

It's not necessarily in this moment where everyone is at their max levels. It's encasing many, many years and and all kinds of things. And it was a Great script and just great actors. Do you know your have you seen a Nora? You guys saw Enora. That guy Ura, like the ball guy. Yeah, he's incredible. He's like the main guy in it. He is like the monster.

great actor. Oh my gosh. Sweetest, most unassuming guy. But when you're acting, you got those big a Russian eyes in your face. You're like, okay, all right, what are we doing? How do you start? Trying to be him. Watch watching YouTube. Did you read the Walter Isaacson book? I read some of it. The book doesn't help as much as watching it's just like

Like injecting poison into my brain and watching everything I could find and especially from that period. So it was just a lot of watching stuff. Do you start though doing the accent for your wife first?

Well, it's such a sexy accent. Uh-huh. It's so hot. Yes. Maybe a little bit here and there. Well the good news is we had a whole week of rehearsal. Oh, okay. Which you don't get a lot anymore. And we went to Italy and he had us at his incredible villa like an hour and a half outside of Turin where he cooks for you. Oh my god it's so crazy. We gotta really work

on it. But and they were all nice. Andrew Garfield, lovely guy, and Monica, and you know who's great is Cooper Hoffman. You got two Coopers in that film. Two Coopers. Yeah, you got two Coopers in the club. Who's the other Cooper? I'd have to look it up. But this morning when I was looking at the cast list, I was like, Oh, duh, yeah. Yeah, duh. The fucking They got fucking Cooper Cats. They got Cooper. He played one of the fucking brothers who killed his parents and kissed his brother. Hey.

How are you gonna forget fucking Cooper? He's a New York guy who loves Ryan Murphy. Have you seen the new fucking show with Ashton Kusher? You seen beauty? Beauty. Fuck me. Fuck, you know it's a great actor is that fucking Evan Peters. That guy, that guy is fucking great. The fucking effects on that show? You know, Ryan Murphy, I don't know how this fucking guy sleeps. She's got fucking beauty. She's got the fucking JFK show into the fucking sleeves.

And he's also he's very attentive to his husband and his fucking He's all in. So great actors. It was fun. Was it fun? So fun. Shot in Italy. What part of Italy were you in? We were up north in Torino. Is that where the Olympics were just at? Milan, yeah. They were like around that in Milan, Cortona, fucking uh Bologna. Home of the Du Gatti factory is my opinion. Best food in Italy, Bologna.'Cause it's in the whole Emilio Campania region, that's Parmigiano, that's beef.

That's Barolo. That's the shit. Some nice Pitello Carpaccio. Pounding where you put it. Yeah, I guess I had to work and play Elon that body. So I was like pounding pasta and the grony thing. It was great, man. I loved it. What are your go to meals that you make since you're a cook? I I just wanna know personally. The thing I make best are chicken cutlets. Chicken cutlets. schnitzel any

South Jersey Italian Delhi It would kill you to invite me over for that? No. Okay. I mean, Well you just like you whenever you're having it, you just text me you wanna try this and I cruise over. It wouldn't just be you, it'd be Kristen. I'd prefer it was just me. I would like a break. My family would prefer it to your whole family. It would be best for my family if your whole family came. But that's something that I really love. I'm obsessed with potatoes.

I really like went crazy. I think starting during COVID, I was like, I'm going to become a potato master. Really? It's a great, great. foundation for everything, right? Every shape they come in is great. You know what I love? You gotta get big rusted potatoes, those are the best, you know? And you cut them into like thick fries, but then you roast them in a ton of olive oil and a little bit of like beef fat.

Those things are like Yeah, I'm gonna make that tomorrow night. Boom. Okay, okay. Again, you have my number. I'll swing by. It's a short. I bring my family. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm setting it for nine. So I also love going on Instagram and just seeing what home cooks are doing now. There's this guy named like Giovanni Sarracusa. I'm all about now, like, what can I do for exactly 45 minutes from like my first chop?

To my let down. And he does a lot of very family friendly, uh fast. Fast, but yummy, healthy. I try to cook as healthy as I can at home. That beef tallow. The beef tallows, you know, I only put a little bit in. Man, every

Fucking dumbass thing now. People are like, seed oils, seed oil, you take a seed oil, you're fucking dead instantly. Beef tallow. Beef tallow. And it's like listen. It's become political. It's become political. And I like beef tallow. Like when I'm making steak and potatoes, I use a little beef tallow. I just saw an ad where they're like, now our chicken tenders fried and beef tallow. I'm like, no. I know.

I don't want my chicken to taste like beef. Just fucking use peanut oil. I don't get it. It's like a political thing now. It's just dopey. I don't get it. I don't get it. Yeah. What if I took off my hat and I just completely fall? Because you're not having any beef salad. Still on PRP up there? Oh yeah. Still doing that? Not too long ago. Okay.

You got on the gas. Little Xing Shing Shing Xing. Right. I should try that. I'm doing a topical in the morning and at night and my hair is so greasy and gross. Do you have like the fucking yellow patch on your Bed'cause I put the drops in at night. And then one day my wife was like looking at our bed. She goes

Oh yeah. There's just like a like a discoloration exactly where I play Wordle where my head and it's like so clearly my shit. Your finesteride. It's like a coming to America Soul Glow when they all stand up and they have

I still get my work done a little bit on that. Okay, now we're here to talk about Funny You Ask. Funny You Ask. Do you guys know what a podcast is? Do you have ever heard of this? We are familiar with the format. I thought it was a good time to get in. Yes. It is an ideal time. Many years after we asked you to get in by the way. You need to do this. I just didn't have the thing. I didn't know what it was. Yeah, I have no resentment. I have no

Bitterness whatsoever? Nothing but rooting for you? If you win the Golden Globe, we will be upset. He will. That will be yeah. That's gonna be tough. How did the idea hit you this time? You're in the shower. I'm in the shower. I'm I'm cleaning my butt. Sure. Uh huh. Getting that finger up there. I have a mirror at the- ceiling of my bath and I lay on my back and kind of hoist my legs up so I can watch myself cleaning. Yeah. Yeah. It's about a half hour. Yeah. And

And then the next day I thought of the idea. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was talking to this guy. We had a mutual friend and we were just kind of chatting over lunch. And I, as you know, I love trivia. I love my Jeopardy, my millionaire, I love all that stuff. And I was just like I

love when I find out someone knows something about something. Like when you find out someone is randomly like, oh yeah, no, I'm a fan of that. And I can kind of answer questions about it. I was like, oh, what if I could just talk to my funny friends, ask them questions, and then riff. Entered the rift zone. Yeah. Kind of just did it.

I have so much intellectual vanity that it immediately gave me anxiety'cause you invited me on and not only did I say yes, I've even reached out to you like when are we recording? That's not typical of a guest. I'm pursuing your You are, which I really appreciate. I wanna tell everyone to assuage you. No one is gonna walk out where they're like, I didn't get anything right. I'm a moron. I have to commit sepacou.

I need a second to administer the death blow. That is not gonna happen. I write my guest questions myself. And I make sure that I'm not going to like make anyone feel dull. But here's where I'm talking about the intellectual vanity and anxiety struck me, is you're gonna cement it logically in whatever my presumed expertise is, right? Like minimally probably what I majored in in college. But If we make it about anthro and I fuck it up, this is

something else. But if you ask me about biology or neuroscience and I shock you because that's not supposed to be. Do you know what I'm saying here? I shine better when I like, oh I I wouldn't have thought he knew anything about that. But now we're talking about the thing I'm supposed to know something about. True. That's where it gets tricky for me. Yeah. Again, my goal of it is to like make it so the first

round of questions. You should know though. They're softballs. I wanna say softballs, but if you know something about it, you'll probably Hardball above forty mile an hour pitch. A an ephus pitch. Just it's very high, but can be difficult to hit. But then as it gets on, especially as we get to the later speed rounds and stuff. There'll be some ones in there that you stretch your brain a little bit. So there are gonna be points?

Is it like a score? The scoring system it's completely arbitrary and I make it up every time. And I add I'll give you a bonus point if you answer the question in a funny way. So There's no scoring, there's no winning, there's no losing. But you will rank the guests at the end of the year. Who is the smartest? That's the culture betting market. I have nothing to do with that. Okay. That is a joke, by the way. I am not affiliated with culture. I'm affiliated with Kashi. The granola. The mu slip.

The other one. So you've done you've had Who have I had? I've had Kimmel, I've had Kate Hudson, I've had Tiffany Haddish, Dave Franco, and Mindy Kaling. Okay, so what was Mindy's category? Was it television? Mindy's categories were fashion. Fashion, great. Love it. 80s Boston Celtic. Oh and Indian food. Yeah, because her father was a huge Celtics. She like grew up going to Celtics games and Indian food, which I'm a big Indian food guy. So I had a lot of fun writing those. The most fun for me.

is writing the question. I'm living my fantasy of being a Jeopardy writer. Ask me questions, but zero percent do I see those. Those are written by my producer, Annabelle. Okay. She keeps them separate from everyone, so I am a hundred percent. Fully compartmentalized. Yes. Honor system. I bet you're experiencing the same joy I have, which is our Wednesday guests are always experts on some

generally academic topic that I have to brush up on in anticipation of their arrival. And so I love that part. Yeah, especially if I have a guest who has an interest like Dave Franco, one of his was movies from the year nineteen ninety nine. Oh which nineteen ninety nine a lot of people think was like the best.

Really? What do we have? We're making a point lately that the Academy Awards is less and less relevant because there's fifty movies. Only one of them would have made the top ten in ninety nine if that there were. Cute glasses, too. Thank you. All right, you ready for this? Magnolia, eyes wide shut. The matrix. Oh the sixth cents. Oh office space. Oh being John Malkovich. Oh my god. The Green Mile.

Fight Club. Oh. Uh uh, hold on. I'm trying to think of some other ones. Uh American Beauty was on there. Oh. Yeah, what a year. Think what else? It's crazy. This is my point. There are more movies that are gonna stand the test of time in that list than there have been in the last eight years. This was also Maybe more than a lot of things. It's just a volume thing. It's a volume. But for anyways, for that one

I was so excited because I gotta fucking just watch. What age was he at? Why is that the year? He was just a young guy and he worked in a video store in like the Bay Area. He knows them all. All of his friends were like watching American Pie, and he's like, You need to see Bing Jam Malkovich. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I feel like I have no expertise.

No, you could do cheerleading, you could do the Olympics, you could do fashion. No, ninety six Olympics gymnastics only. That is Atlanta. That's Atlanta. That's the Atlanta. I was actually in Tennessee at the time. Did you see Richard Jewell while you were there? You know who Richard Jewell is? No. Richard Jewell, you know who Richard? Well, the man who was accused of being

The bomber who was not the bomber Centennial Card. They actually made a movie about it a few years ago that Clint directed. Okay. That is Low-key, pretty great. Okay. You know Paul Walter Hauser? Yeah. Oh yeah. He plays Richard Jewell. He's so good in it, dude. He's great in everything. His lawyer is Rockwell. Oh. I mean there's always gonna be some weird shit in Eastwood Clinton, yeah. But his performance, the feds done him dirty, man. He was just a nerdy guy. And they were like, sketchy guy.

Looks like he'd be a bomber. Like Pam is the FBI agent. He's like, This guy might be a bummer. Based on the fact that he's it looks like a dude in high school I didn't trust. Yeah, exactly. He looks like a guy I bullied in high school. What was Kimmel's expertise? Kimmel was Pizza Pie. Oh yeah. Eighties music. Did you hit him with any Huey Lewis?

trivia. I know he's such a Huey fan that I withheld. He might be the number one Huey fan that there's not a Huey question you could ask him. He would outdo Huey in a hundred percent. Thousand percent. Do you see how I just accidentally came over and said you go a hundred percent, go a thousand percent.

I'm just impulsively. It's like my easy. Yeah, well, you said times 10. To the tenth. Whatever he to the tenth. He loves Marvel Comics. He was like a big Marvel Comics nerd. Kate, I must know. Kate was female singer-songwriters. Well that's very on brand. Very on brand. Cocktails. Oh, nice. She loves a good cocktail. And then her other one was oh well, she was nineties movie. But kind of more the whole decade.

I threw in a couple of Kurt Russell questions for her. Did she get them? Oh yeah. Cute. And what are yours going to be? Can you remember what I told you? I'm presuming. Oh, yeah, yeah. One was motorcycles. And then the third one, I think I would prefer cars over motorcycles. I think it was cars slash motorcycles. Okay. Anthropologies or evolution. Tractors. It's not gonna be tractors. It's not tractors. I don't wanna fucking read about tractors for an hour. Well Lamborghini made tractors.

I have a boner for some of these sixties Lamborghini tractors. They started as a tractor company. They did? Yes, but the Lambo style is in a tractor. It's so cool and there's train track ones. The good thing about it is you love that car maker, but you have all those crops out there that have not been cut. Exactly. So two birds, one stone. Yes, yes. One expensive stone that you have to transfer here from another country. I think the story no that might be Ducan.

This is actually interesting. So you have to pick categories that also are gonna be interesting to an audience. A little bit and that will also inside Are you saying we lost people on the Lamborghini tractor history? Well this is actually a pretty good riff, so we should save it maybe. The government did come to, I think Lamborghini was like, we need you to make it. We need a tractor, but the sexy.

Yeah. And a kinda you can put a four wheels on and that is an automobile. Yeah, but you still can smoke a cigarette on the shop. You've turned off. You're just like in another fucking place right now. You're thinking about someone doing a floor routine in nineteen ninety six. That's right. Dominique Mochianu. That's right. Sure, sure. And then it's obviously leading. It's a jump off point. It's a jump off point, just so we can have fun. It's just fun to ask people. I brought questions.

Is that a pack of cigarettes or my own? Reads, yeah, yeah. These are I have not read these. I happen to be zero point. Oh oh we're gonna do it to each other. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, so how how do we play this game? Uh just go around and we'll ask questions. Let's go top to bottom'cause I don't want any like cherry picking. What nations Pantanal Wetland is home to 270 bird species.

Okay, I have a guess. Argentina. Close. Brothil. Brothers. You would ask me one. Okay. What worthy Texas City opened the National Cowgirl Museum and Hall of Fame in two thousand two? I would say Dallas or Fort Worth'cause of Worthy. I bet it's gonna be that. Let's see.

Fort Worthy. Fort Worth. All right. Monica. We had a little clue in there. That was tough. Monica, ask us one. I don't want to go top to bottom. I wanna find a good one. Go top to bottom. We gotta find a good one. I don't trust you. Oh, A E is one of the things. What do you mean you don't trust me to be? I don't. Okay. A E is one of the AE, yes. That's arts and entertainment. Okay, great. You guys are gonna get the best victims because

Quote, they're like virgin snow that shows up the bottom of the footprint. Three, two, one, Hitchcock. Good job. Which future Charlie's Angel provided the singing voice of Melody for TV's Josie and the Pussycats? Oh. This is one where it's like I'm out. Yeah. I mean I don't know the names of all the angels.

Farah Fawcett's one. She was one, but she didn't sing. Jacqueline Smith was one. Okay. Kate Jackson. And the answer to this one I believe is Cheryl Ladd. Oh yeah. Never. Never mind. I don't know who that is. Go ahead, ask one. Okay, next one. I'm gonna skip arts. No, I'll do arts and energy. I'm going in order despite. What beloved actor did columnist David Anson eulogize in 2001 as the Paganini of Panic?

Pagani. Paganini of panic. Paganini of panic. Which beloved actor died in 2000. 2001. Of panic? Who was like an actor who was constantly panicked? Who died in two thousand one? Yeah, who died in two thousand one. Um who was like always Was it Farah Fawcett? For some reason I feel like it's a male actor. Yeah. It's a big male actor. Oh it is. Marlon Brando. Uh Jack Lemon.

Jack Lemon, that's right. I should have known that one. Jack Lemon died in two thousand one. He did not see two thousand two. I'm gonna go. History or science or something, you know. Okay. What's SN? Science and nature. What button is disabled in almost all elevators according to global elevator technologies? I know some things don't have a 13th floor, but I don't think that's it. Button is disabled in almost all elevates.

Okay, I'm gonna say the door open button. I think it's the door closed. Hey, good job, was the door closed? Yeah. He got it. So when I see someone walking and I'm hitting the door close button, it does nothing. I feel like it works for me. But also I would have thought doors open because if you're like mid transit, you're dropping floors and you're trying to hit the door open. It must be disabled so you can't open the doors while it's in motion.

Oh. Or ever. You shouldn't be able to prematurely have it open the doors. It should be in charge of when the doors should be. I agree with that one. If you dare. What Londoner ticked off her fellow designers in 2000 by narrating an anti-fur video? Oh, I should maybe know this. An antifervider. Her fellow designers. Fellow designers. Diane von Furstenberg. That's not. She's not a Londoner. And it wouldn't be a good idea. I'll give you a her father is not from London.

Okay. Donut Ferricello, whatever her name is Donut. He's Italian. Versace. Well but I thought you just said her dad was He's not from London. Okay. Her dad is not from London, but she He's from a different British city. Maybe Liverpool. He's a Beetle. Oh, Stella McCartney. There you go. Her father once got up, got out of bed and Nicole Macross is head. Okay. What American at Oxford was Britain's fifth most eligible woman in two thousand one, according to the again?

Tatler magazine. So what American at Oxford in two thousand one? Was Britain's fifth most eligible woman in two thousand one. Oh, I have an idea. Is it an actress? I don't know. But the gal that was in the pirates movies. Kira Knightley? Yeah. Kira Knightley, but she's not American. She's not American, yeah. Oh American no, she's certainly not American. What famous actress went to college in at Oxford? I'm gonna guess Natalie Portman. No, she didn't go to Oxford. She went to Havet.

My name's Fuckin' Natalie Portman. Okay, okay. Can you give a hint? Give a hint. I don't think it's an actor. Her father is Stella McCartney. The clue I would give would be It's just so telling. I'm gonna reread the question, okay? Okay. What American at Oxford was Britain's fifth most That would be my daughter Chelsea Clinton. That's my daughter. Hands off.

Chelsea, I'd love to come visit you and your co eds in Oxford. Is that possible? I don't want to miss the situation. We're good. We're straight. Are you sure? Okay, they are testifying, I think, very soon. Right now. Right now, right? Yeah. Should we go live to it? Rob, go live testimony. We did not have sexual relations on Epstein's Island. All right. You guys like history? I love it. It's his go-to. What admiral was the first person to fly over both the North and South Poles?

Wow. I have a hint. If you need it. I want to say Adminson, but I don't know if he was flying. I think he might have been pre flight. Because they said fly over This would be probably in the twenties. Yeah. Probably in the twenties. Admiral Akbar. Star Wars. I'm gonna go with Akbar too. It's not any of the discoverers. It's not Perry or Adminson.

Or Fitzgerald Shackleford was another one. Was he maybe Everest Shackleford? It's not the Edmund Fitzgerald. It's not the record of the Edmund Fitzgerald. His last name is very apropos. Flying over the s north south. No, but Maybe Polar. Snow. Jon Snow. John Snow. Yes. It's Jon Snow. No, it's Richard Bird. Richard Bird. That doesn't even ring a bell. I didn't never have that. I should think that's a fake name. Um what rodents meet?

Do three out of four Peruvians munch believing it cures arthritis? Easy. You right? Oh no, I was just giving you time to because I feel like I know it, so I didn't want to be a dick and just. No, fucking guinea pig. Oh, ew. Okay. Hey, I'm obsessed with copy baros. My friend went to a copy bar sanctuary where they like walk up to you and kind of sit next to you and get in your face. They're adorable. I'm not a big rodent guy. Oh yeah, sure.

Copy bars. Where is the sanctuary? I think it's a Meiko. They're the world's largest rodent. They don't look like they look like cute little Shetland something. Yeah. Like an Ewok. Okay, here we go. How many blowholes does a baleen whale boast? I'm gonna say zero. I'm gonna say two.

It's two. I'm guessing. I'm not a blowhole guy. I had my blowhole removed last year. I don't even like it. I only like to think about it. Blow hard. What do you got, Monica? Okay. I really want to do a hard- I have two more questions after this. What South African corporation sells two thirds of the world's diamonds? Oh, we know this. Three, two, one, two beers. Good job, yes.

Where did you get your wife's ring? Uh what about What NBA superstar maintains anonymity by registering at hotels as Vladimir Mondingo? Oh. Oh I mean I think here's a time to go with your number one prankster in the MBA. Oh, that's a good guess. Yes, it is Dak Shepherd. I would have said like Durant or something because he's a lot of

He takes you to Russians. Yeah. Or in the Ding what was it? Mendingo. Yeah, he's always got a dick joke going. He infamously put a Subway sandwich in his shorts one time. Oh, I'm impressed. Yeah, okay. That was good. What product did Singapore agree to let residents use as long as they had a prescription in order to secure a US free trade agreement? I think I know what this is. I think I do too. I'm gonna say chewing gum.

I haven't looked, but How do you guys know this stuff? It's like Disneyland. Yeah. The flip side of that is This American dude, I think, just took a piece of gum and threw it on the ground or put it on a wall. They came to And took a bamboo stick and whipped his ass like ten times, I feel like. That was in the nineties. Big news story. Oh, yeah. And I went with my mother to Singapore in probably ninety-eight, and we specifically brought gum and chewed it. That's why I knew it. We decided to

just be outlaws by chewing gum. Going to see if we're a foreign country where they have draconian laws. Let's break a few. That's our spirit. Chewing gum. Yep. You got it. Wow. Yeah, really good. Give us one more. Okay, let's let's do this one. I'd love that you carry these. Uh Brie and I used to, my ex girlfriend. We go to a restaurant and just have the stack of them in her purse.

I love it. What veteran ABC announcer nixed NBC's invitation to work the Sydney Olympics, claiming Australia is too damn far away? ABC the only guys I remember from ABC were Peter Jennings. Or Sam Donaldson. That feels like a Donaldson. It feels like a Donaldson. It does. Because he was a little more salty and kind of like All right, I'm going to say Donaldson. Cantankerous. He was cantankerous. I'll say Donaldson.

Okay, final answer. Jim McKay. Oh, Jim McKay. Jimmy Jammer. My last one. Jimmy Jammer. What fruit was legally ruled to be a vegetable by the U.S. Supreme Court in an 1893 tariff dispute? I know what this is. I hate that. Oh no, I didn't. Yeah, because did you think tomato? Because it's the opposite. No, that's the opposite. It's a fruit.

Tomato. It's not tomato. It's tomato. No, it's a fruit. Right. That's the point. It was ruled as a vegetable for a trade agreement, but really it's a fruit. That's the point of the problem is I read too fast. 'Cause I was like it's bananas. Cuba, bananas, Cuba, Hawaii. It's it's uh that's bananas. But then I feel like we would have heard that it got switched.

What they're saying is they're giving you the origin story of why there's confusion about whether it's a vegetable or a fruit. It's clearly a fruit, it has seeds, but it needed to get ruled as a vegetable to qualify for a trade agreement. There was a sub ruling though that anyone who went to the

itri when someone says, Oh, my favorite vegetable is a tomato and someone goes, It's actually a fruit, you're legally allowed to slap that person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is per US code. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not my ruling. That's the only great outgrowth of that. On something obvious that everyone knows. If they tell you that the Phil Collins song

in the air tonight is about a guy who watched another guy drown and smack the shit out of the fucking repeatedly. Right there. What other things? Uh there's a few things that fall under this. You know, I would say the girl from Poltergeist is dead. You know, she died. Like that's one where it's like, yeah, I fucking know. Yeah. Stop it. Get out of here. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.

people I like and it was funny. I know it's really a gross part of my behavior, but I love answering questions. It's like shameful. Nothing gives me more joy. Oh god, I love it so much. Why what's wrong? Well we know. We talked about it last time. Yeah, but it's just like we

spent our lives, people have spent their lives reading weird shit and wondering when is it ever gonna pay off in my life that I could name the Pope who started the Great Schism? When am I ever going to be in a position where I'm gonna be asked that? And now you might. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It's ROI, which we talked about last time too. It's final return on investment. You've put

some time into this for no reason and now we finally This is a financial podcast by the way. This is your return of investment. Our next guest is the guy Jim what's his name? Jim Jim Kramer. Jim Kramer, yeah he's he's he's following you.

Saw him outside just running sprints back and forth. All right, Ike, I love you. You guys are the greatest. Thanks for number four. I know we'll see you on number five. When are we recording, I guess, is my question. I think I have two days off from the studio and we're kind of Locking it in there. You're gonna be with great company. We got you. We got Russell Brand. Oh. Jeez, I'm gonna take a Raimi. Who else is on there? BTK Killer. Okay. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And oh, Henry Kissinger's ghost.

Oh. Okay. So when you're I think you're gonna be with like people that you're gonna be like, this is kind of fun and splashy. I agree. And Casey Anthony. Great. This song is a little bit more. We have our first trunch. And then we have And then we have me and the gang group You and the gang. Do the sponsors know about the lineup for No we tell them afterwards. Okay. I look forward to seeing you on Saturday wearing a full diaper. Oh yeah, that's right. Sunday Sunday.

He wishes it was Saturday. And the actor goes to hear it backstage. I run out crying on stage. It's for my help! Get our kids out of here! The kids need you. I interrupt the thing because I can't handle the kids. Vinicio's filming you. I've shit myself and the kids need something. You have to come off stage. You've got to look at this video I got of Dak Shepherd shitting himself on stage. He'll shit you. He's shit you. For real. Shitcha for real. All right, love you. Hi, ten year old.

Why?'Cause I'm wearing shorts. And a ponytail. Yeah, because I have to wash my hair. It's a thousand degrees out. So It feels like Bali outside. Have you been to Bali? No. Okay. I haven't. Actually, that reminds me I was playing a fun game yesterday. Bajan? No, that's tonight. Um, I was playing a fun game.

Where you say the name of a country. Uh-huh. Like I would say Japan. Okay. And then you in your head think of from a scale of one to ten how badly you want to go there. Okay, great. And then I guess your number. Okay, Japan. Okay. For me. Okay, I have my number. Oh, okay. Uh um, okay, for you I guess I guess nine. Yes, nine. I really wanna go. Guess for me. Um oh Oh Ten. Ten. But if that just idols, uh all my mentors in my life.

They don't just go like, oh, I like it. They're like, you, you have to for some reason they think you have to that I'm gonna really respond to what's happening. Well let me tell you something. Yeah. I know this isn't fair. I do this to people. I tell them that their answers are wrong. Okay. Okay. I think your answer is wrong. Because you don't like fish or sushi.

I do like s some sushi. You don't like real Nagyri. I like yellow tail and salmon on rice. That's I used to get that from um Sugarfish. Sugarfish all the time. Until I got a one bad order and I'll And now see now you're not. So like steak. They do wagu. Yeah. I just I think food wise it's not gonna be your a hundred per

You're ten. Yes. That's not what So I brought it down to nine. Okay. Okay. Um, the reason people want me to go there is that everything is executed perfectly. I'm so excited to do that. Like Tom Hanson's like, when the man is sweeping the cobblestone. He it's like he's building a Swiss watch. Like everything is done meticulously. I love that. And I would love to witness that. I also think you're gonna feel a little crowded on the trains and

stuff. I think you're gonna feel a tiny bit claustrophobic and tall. Slash grateful because I'll be so much bigger than everyone. Okay. Hmm. I'll feel like God's a little think you're a nine. Okay. I'm basing it on like what is my like first of all it's a it's a

hurdle to get there. It's you you're losing a day, right? So if I got to pick my very next place I went to, it's my pick. Yeah, me too. Like I'm going to Budapest, which is high on the list, but it's more convenient to what's already happening. But really m the thing I most want to go to is Japan. Yeah. That's why I gotta set it at ten. I understand. Yeah, I understand. That makes sense what you did. What's your one that you

Like right now you can teleport anywhere. What is it? Okay. Now see this is hard. Okay. Because do I want to go somewhere new for my teleportation? Yeah. It it's gotta be new. Oh, it does for this game. Okay. Then Japan, yes. That's your also top next. Yeah. The problem is some of my tens are places I've been. Sure, sure. Yeah. For me too. Like Africa to me would be like going back to Africa would be a ten. So where do you think Africa is well, Africa's a continent, but

Uh specifically the Grometti Reserve and Tanzania is where I would wanna go. Or I really, really wanna go to um Mozambique. I want to go to the Akawanga Delta. Okay. Okay. In Mozambique, which is the jewel of Africa, they say. It's all water. You're like on boats seeing elephants and stuff. And where do you think that is on my list? Six point five seven. Six Okay. Yeah actually six.

Six point five. I just don't do point fives. But yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. I'm very I'm very knowable. I'm putting it a little higher than you are'cause I actually know how luxurious it could be. And you don't know that yet. Yeah. I'm sure I would absolutely love it. Yeah. I know I would, but as we discussed recently, it is a character defect I'm working. I'm trying to work on it. Okay. I don't have enough appreciation for nature. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And I recognize that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wish I had more. Boy, if any place would break through, it would be Africa. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. I mean, as I said, you can tell it's the cauldron of life. Right, exactly. It's it's palpable. Yeah. But I think I'm gonna teleport to New York or Paris. Yeah, or London or Italy or London. I am this summer gonna try to go to London and Paris. Okay.

So that's nowhere new. Right. I'm not in the mood for new this year. Will you be traveling alone there or will you be No friends. Okay, you what friends are Anna. She wants to go to Europe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we went to London together when we all went to London. Yes. And we had just the best time and we talk about it all the time, how we need to go back. Yeah. So I think we're gonna go back. It's great. Italy's so obviously. I think it's the best, personally, but it is

unrelentingly hot in the summer. Yeah. And then there's so many tourists. I feel so bad for the Italians. It's a mix of I feel so bad for them and also that's such a huge chunk of their economy that of course I don't feel bad for'em. But I just Like if you lived in Rome and ninety percent of the people you saw day to day didn't live weren't your neighbors didn't live there, that must get taxary. That's ki probably like If you live in

On sunset. I don't know if it's that bad. I think when you're walking through Rome, you're seeing in the summer. If you live on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah, if you live on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah, that's what I meant. That's what I meant. Or if you live in Times Square, that's tough. If we live right in Times Square, yeah. It could be it could be challenging too. Didn't um didn't Alexander Skarsgard live live in the kind of right in the middle of Times Square. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Like when I stayed when they put me for baby mama initially at a hotel above a fire station and the police station across from the Grand Central Station. Oh and I was like they

They hate me. We were just this just came up in my um Tuesday meeting. Just status and I think especially when you're on sets and people are ranked and like balanced Literally ranked on the call sheet. Yeah, it's like one to you're you're number sixty one and And you get allocated resources based on commensurate with that number, right? Yes, you do. Yeah. So I'm at the Shit box above the You know, fire department. Yeah.

And where was like Amy who's probably number Amy and Tina were number one and two? Tina and Amy live there. Oh yeah. So I'm trying to think who I would have had to go to next. Ultimately they got me out of there and I went to the Maritime, which was great.

Yeah, and there's ghosts there. There was ghosts there, yeah. And you're right, in the meat packing, there's great food and generic. It was lovely. Anywho, that was just the topic on Tuesday. And a friend of mine who is about to go on a press tour was like I just wanna make sure I behave and don't get caught up in like, Am I in that picture or am I not? That they asked me to go to this interview or not.

Yeah, and he reached out to a fellow person and I can't believe this brilliant advice. You're like, Well, there's someone else in the cast that's younger and probably needs help. It hasn't been here before. That can be your job. Focus on that person. Yeah, that's the thing. And he did and he goes, I've never felt better ever. I never considered one of the things I did or didn't get and um

The parents of this person thought I was so nice and I told them I'm not no I was just being selfish. I wanted to make sure I didn't act like a brat and it was a joy to do it and I I'm actually grateful to you. Um anyways.

That's great. Yeah. I was like, what great advice. What was this event you were at? Just now. I wasn't at an event. I thought you were busy today. Oh I was. I was record I was I had a meeting and a recording. What was the recording? I ended up not doing it. I ended up having to reschedule it. But it was for we're we're um Testing out.

Season two of Bethstead. Oh, okay. We have a potential story. Oh and so we wanna record us at the very beginning talking about potential story. Exactly, exactly. Um what's well you can't tell. But someone contacted you, I presume, with a story. So it's funny because we you know, we've been kind of keeping our ears open for interesting stories that are meaningful, that will do the same thing that this first one did. So we're not just

You know, and we're not like on a timeline or anything. It's just if there's something good, we'll do it. Yeah. So Elizabeth came across a couple stories and she was telling me and then she was like, it's kind of like this story that happened to Andy. Uh Wait what? And then she tells that and I was like, Wait, why don't I know about this? What if you come to find out Elizabeth and Andy are the actual Yeah, catfishers They have all these stories.

Yeah. Well we know what happened'cause we I have a suspicious amount of stories. You know, I often hear myself telling a story and I'm like, if I was this person, I'd be like, That didn't you didn't get shot at. You know, like there's no way this also happened. And that thing had also happened. I know. Well, to be fair, this one isn't it didn't actually happen to Andy. That's not really a fair way of me framing it. He

was involved with people and this story happened to those people. Okay. Okay. So I was supposed to do that. And then why is it too hot? I have to cut why because I feel bad. Okay. I just I'm getting a tree delivery. Okay. And that's getting planted in your yard or in in indoor train. Indoor training exciting. Uh-huh. And there's three options and I really want to see them. And I really wanted it done by tonight because of Mahjong and Charlie's party tomorrow. So today was the only day.

It's supposed to happen at eleven thirty. Guess what it's happening right now. Oh. So it really it did I got Karma. It was karma. It was karma, yeah. Okay. I guess I'll leave it in'cause I'm honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So as you were walking out they were walking in. Oh virtually. I like yeah I mean I didn't see them, but I assume they're there right now. She texted me. And it's hot. It's a hot topic.

Oh no, it's it's physically hot out. It's physically hot. Yeah, yeah. It's outrageous. Not only like we get these blasts every year we get these blasts of like three days of nineties in winter. We don't get or we're we have two weeks of nineties plus like I look today at the coming schedule. For the next eight days out, it's still it never gets below eighty-five for the next ten days that are on the It does make me anxious.

That it's happening in March. Like what is gonna happen in August and September? Yeah, but again, I don't know that there's any indic I don't know that that it works that way. I hope not. Again, I tell you about the dinosaur show. I found that weirdly comforting. Well, you just said you're watching one. I didn't tell you about the geology of it. More interesting than learning about the dinosaurs is learning about the history of the planet. This place is an absolute mess. So

Right. It started as one continent, Pangea. When that broke apart, it blacked out the sky. It was like a hundred degrees cooler. Then there were these periods of like insane methane. And carbon dioxide in a the it was in the hundreds. Yeah. Everything died. Then it cooled off'cause of this and then it came back like I believe in global warming.

Yeah. But we are talking about us moving up like two to four degrees Celsius. And it's just interesting to watch the show that the Earth has gone through cycles of hundreds of degrees. Oh yeah, we couldn't sustain human life. No, but for the Earth's record, this isn't a skin me. Like that's an interesting way to say that.

From the earth. We demand so much more. Yeah, and so did the explosion of trees. Like there was not trees. This was an interesting, absolutely hard to believe fact. Do you know sharks have been here longer than trees? Whoa. Really? Like what? Yeah, trees are like the green the the greenifying of the planet and there being oxygen here is so new and it's

five billion year history. Ding ding dang. So it's like there's no trees and then there's too many trees and then everything died. And then it came back. And then all these crazy volcanoes that were just spewing forever. And then it was dark out and it's like, wow, this this thing is Seen it all. It's been through it. Ding ding ding trees. Yeah. There's a tree in my he coming to my head. Oh yeah, that is a ding ding ding. So that's cool. Yeah.

The stakes of the tree coming into my house are high because it's not a small, it's a large tree. Where does it live? In the living room. I'm so excited. It's gonna look so pretty. And it'll get enough light and who will water it? Stop. That's the part I'm having anxiety about. Will you have an automatic irrigation system? No, I'll water it. I'm good at watering. That'll be no problem. I'm good at doing it. I just don't know if I'm I do it right because things still die. Yeah, you can chat it.

Chat G G G G T it'll probably tell you how many ounces of water to put in it, what schedule. Probably a smart device you can get to that like measures the soil moisture. I bet you can automate the whole thing and fill up a tank once in a while. That would be putting nitrogen pellets in there will probably just keep it perfect. Okay. I wanna do that because

It's an important tree. And if it dies yet, but it is when you get there's important you know it's a very important tree. Yeah. And I if it dies under my watch. And you just have tons of soil in your you obviously, you have tons of soil. Maybe in a pot. Uhhuh. This is an interesting idea, right? To have like a ton of soil in your living room. Well, it's in a pot. Yeah. Like that. That doesn't have soil'cause that's a fake tree. But let's pretend it was real. Yeah, if there's a big, big

pot of dirt over there. I bet we would smell it. It'd be fine. No, it has moss on top. It's fine. I have plants. You're yeah, you're not a big plant guy. Just like I'm not a big um I'm not really interested in nature. Yeah, yeah. You're not really interested in plants. It's kinda like dogs. Like there's a lot of stuff that's outside. I don't need to bring it inside. It's fine with me that's outside and then I can go visit it outside. But I like like

You know. Yeah. Do you have you ever played Romy Cube? Something is going on. I'm shook by the simp. Oh, wow, what's what the next thing that was about to come out of my mouth was Sort of like Rummikube. Mahjong? Yeah, but... Yeah. Yeah, there's tiles and have you ever played Rummy Q? Yes, I have. It's so fun. I like it. Lincoln and I had the most f I mean, she's becoming my Erin Weekly. As she gets older.

Don't say that. You already have an Aaron weekend. She's becoming your Lincoln. You should be nervous. You guys have your own relationship. But I mean in that The way Aaron and I could in seventh grade get on to something that would last for hours and no one else was enjoying it. Oh, wow. Okay. So she and I played Rummy Cube and we started singing at some point. And we sang for like two hours together playing this game.

And it was it was as fun as someone can have. And that came on the heels of watching the second episode of DTF. Oh my God. St. Louis. What a show. I won, I yeah, I'm two in. Yeah, what a show. As you might expect, I've left all these guys' messages. Of course you have. Insane. Yes. You're mad. No, saying, Well, I see that you guys are having a lot of fun talking about peonies. Everyone's having a good laugh at the idea of someone having peeronies. It does feel like a personal attack. I will say

Yeah, I mean they're having a good time with pearonies. As they should. It's such a stupid condition. I just think it's also crazy that I can leave a message that I have had peeronies and I'm on the other side of Peronies. I know. Thank God you're on the other side. Said to them, I know you guys think it's a real hoot. But you should know that I was told that'll either heal by itself in a year or you'll have to have a C uh operation, a C section that is fifty percent successful.

And the other half of the time you will never use your penis again. So I hope you guys know that that's what I had to deal with. And I know everyone's having a real good laugh. See, now you know what it's like. Now you know what it's like when someone's

Suffering from something. I know, but I used to call them. And then someone's making fun of it, they don't understand what it's like to live with. I think it's a bad comp'cause it didn't b it doesn't bother me at all. And ideally we would want it to bother me so that I would understand how other people feel. Yeah. Yeah. But that kind of confirms already my worldview. It's just like just get over it. But if you didn't

If I had lost my penis. Exactly. You might have more sensitivity to around like well, you would have more physical sensitivity. I'd have no sensitivity and also some sense exacerbated sensitivity. So okay. It has no sensitivity. So you could like I don't think it'll get a wreck. I don't know. It didn't sound it didn't sound good. Good. Like when they say you can't use your you use it as a hammer instead. Yeah. Yeah, use it as a real tool a tool as it's meant to use. As a wedge?

Yeah, they I didn't I didn't like I didn't do enough follow up questions'cause to be honest, when I heard that I was like, we're not getting that procedure. I don't care what I don't care if the penis ties itself into a bow. We won't get a procedure that makes it not ever work. Oh, right. I see. Yeah. Like however bad the Peronis could have gotten, I can't imagine rolling the dice. Flipping a coin like that.

It's a lot. It's a lot. You gotta conce you gotta talk to your partner about that. Of course. Yeah. But they might feel like I'd I want you to take the risk because I can't even like other I can't get this in. I thought you're going another direction. I hope that is the outcome. Oh, sure. Well I guess they they have a built in out, even if if it's all twisted up, they could just like, I'm sorry, I can't like a bow tie in there. Yeah, it won't go.

Um, and then you just be like, but I don't want you to change. So you just be you. And then you never have to have sex again. That's right. Yeah. That's the dream. Every wife's dream. It's a lot of wives' dreams. Not all wives. It's not my wife's dream. I don't want to paint that picture. Yeah, we're not painting that picture. But it's some wives' dreams. Oh my God. Um let's see. What else? I keep thinking of movies to add to my list to show Link and I'm so excited.

Flirting with disaster. I'm like, of course, how could I have not shown her flooring with the money? Yeah, and it does and I'm due for a rewatch. Yeah, I would rewatch that. Can I come over for that? to rewatch that. Yes. And um And then um Can't Buy Me Love uh commenter suggested I was like, duh, it's my favorite teen movie of all time. Um flirting with disaster, ding ding ding, Richard Jenkins is in DTS St. Louis and he's so good in it. He's so prominent. He's very prominent. I think

Everyone needs to watch DTF Standard. And do you watch Wednesday? I've dropped off a Wednesday. But you would have you've seen the first season, right? Yeah, I loved the first season. Yeah, so you know her kind of nemesis that's black. She's like a Slytherin. I don't know what they're called, but she's like a shapeshifter or whatever. She's got like green eyes. She's the detective.

That Jenkins is battling. Right. She's and you get to see her real pupils for the first time. Which is uh exciting. She's great. I have a question. What are your what's your opinion on what's going on with

love story, the show about JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bassett Kennedy. Do you know there's drama? No, it's the drama. I haven't watched it. Um the only thing I know about it is from you. Yeah, because I keep watching it. Yeah. Even though I know That there's some problematic things. Right. Well, Jack Schlossberg, who is I'm gonna tell you, he is Caroline Kennedy's son. In real life. Yes. Caroline Kennedy

who is JFK Junior's sister. Okay. Son of JFK. Yeah. I a and daughter of J F K. Daughter of J F K. Yeah. Caroline is JFK's jotter. Daughter. Uhhuh. His brother was JFK Junior. Yeah. Her son. Okay. And You know. His grandson had he lived. Correct. JFK's grandson. What Caroline Kennedy has lived through is just so unbeliev like so you just are like, how can one person endure that much? That's brother, uncle, dad

daughter just died um like recently? Yeah, d in December with of cancer. Oh my sh she's like thirty three or something, Tatiana. Um, she's just endured the most, you know, and Jack is that's his mom. Yeah. And she's in the show. She's portrayed in the show. Uh-huh. Caroline is. And and they all are. And like Jack is very openly Against this show. He's like, this is awful. Yes, this is not a correct depiction of anyone. Um And I totally understand that.

And also so so at the beginning of the show, uh, JFK Junior is dating Daryl Hannah, as he did. And um the depiction of Daryl Hannah is really not flattering. It's not. No. They just make her look like very dumb and ditzy and like she's doing Coke and like she's just like a real like needy person. Um I've hung out with her once and I thought she was incredibly rad. Yeah. I had noticed someone had like a A jacked up F two fifty pickup truck at this small gathering.

I was like, whose truck is that? It was hers. Oh, that's cool. She goes, Yeah, I need it because I put my snowmobile in it. I'm like, You snowmobile? I'm like, this is so rad. Like you're you are a mermaid and you fucking have a jacked up two fifty and snowmobile. I think she's like a tough, cool woman. Yes. So she wrote an article in Oped that was basically like very, very, very well done and and said

This isn't this is all incorrect. Um, not just the like overall depiction of her, but some factual things. She was like, I've never done Coke, whatever, all these things. So there's like some real criticism that I very much understand and I'm like, why am I still watching? and I am. I'm in. Yeah yeah yeah. I guess I'm saying I'm sorry to Jack Sword and Daryl Hannah. And what I'm actually really saying is I I can sometimes get on a high horse.

About people engaging in things that I think are wrong. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you uh and celebrity gossip and like dumb stuff. Yeah. Um But we love the crown. Yeah. That to me doesn't have the same stink on it. Like, that's such a Beautifully done show. This is Ryan Murphy. I mean it is classically Ryan Murphy. Uh-huh. So it's salacious. Yeah. Yeah. Scandalous. And yet here I am participating. But I guess what I I will say the difference is I'm watching it. I'm enjoying it.

And I am very much aware, like this is all made up. Right, right, right. This is a real thing. None of this is is real or or based on any real truth. So I can enjoy it and know it. I'm not at risk of getting like Daryl Hannah a specific way or any of these people a specific way based on it. So I guess maybe that's Where I find a I wonder if I'll live long enough to be like a fringe character in a remake of some drama.

You know? Okay, who would it be? Um, I don't know. You'd have to go like one of my most famous friends. Like if they did a movie about Ashton and Mila, somehow I was like I made a couple scenes. Yeah, you'd be there. And then they painted me like era era in cra crazy. Well then you'd be like, that's accurate. Um

Yeah. No, but yeah, like if they so if they like portrayed you as very dumb. Uh-huh. It would be like to service the Ashton story, right? Uh-huh. Which that was the point of this. She's a side character because the point is to get it Get him to Carolyn. You want him to be with Carolyn. Exactly. So if they had you v as like an idiot and

It was to service some story for Ashton, like it would suck. It would suck. It would be like that's not true at all. Mm-hmm. And now people think that about me and I'm alive. I'm saying you would say like and now people have this impression of me. I'm still a person out in the world. Well, that is what ultimately kept me from getting to do the show This Best Thing I've Ever Written.

A false history of Daryl Hall. Oh, right. And I had met with Daryl seven tim you know, seven. I had met with him several times and we got along great. And the conceit of the show is this is not his life. But I'm gonna I'm gonna explain this catalogue of forty hit songs in story.

And give them these fantastical origins. No, I love while plotting this bigger arc of his life, which wasn't his ar his life at all. And then the title of the show is gonna be A False History of Daryl Hall. Yeah, yeah. And you know, somewhat understandably he's like e You know, at the eleventh hour, he's like, Yeah, I just like I'm afraid people won't distinguish that. Uh

I understand. And then like what if it's huge and then he's dead and who knows what thing people I mean it's literally in the title. I know it's in the tit yeah, I mean look, I I thought it was very clear and that there was nothing to it and it would be very fun and such a fun and weird way to celebrate.

That amazing catalog. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. I think in that case I understand it's your personal I'm gonna give the listener an example of one of the episodes. Okay. All right. Um you know the song Well Wanna wanna sp I wanna play that game tonight?

Yeah, yeah, I knew. I know it. Yeah, so one on one. So it's a beautiful love song. We all know there's a beautiful love song. But really in that episode, Daryl shows up to a show at the Roxy. They're gonna do this small thing for this like review thing. And as he shows up, he notices three guys unloading equipment from the bus, and they're not the um roadies. And so

He tries to stop them. It's three dudes stealing all the equipment. And they jump him at the beginning of the episode. Okay. And they need a song. Like there's always a th they he needs a song, blah, blah, blah. This the whole rest of the episode, which is following the other grander arc of the thing. Mm-hmm. Then there's this some kind of resolution, he hears a thing and then

He's walking down the street at the end of the episode and he sees one of the guys that jumped on. And it's like, what? I want to play that game tonight. And as you're listening to those lyrics, you realize, oh, it could also very much be about finding the dude and being so excited.

excited to finally take on one of'em. That's great. Yeah. So they all all these things that you thought were about this it's this exaggerated thing it really was about. And it was so fun to write. Yeah, I think you could have done it. And now I'm just too old. What if when he dies? That's even worse. I wanted to play him.

I it would be hard for me to watch someone else play him. Well'cause we're both tall and blonde and when this thing was had legs, I think I was forty when this was really in full swing. And he was a little older when he got famous. Um you still could. I couldn't tell those songs because I'm 51. And though we know those songs were written in the eighties. Oh.

Well, can't you um And then I'd have to watch Justin mm Justin. I'd have to watch um Butler. Austin Butler. Austin Butler do it. He would be my pick. No, that's a bad pick. No, he's so handsome and tall and I met him, you know. I yeah I was so smitten. Carly almost fell over. I know. My brother said, Oh my god, you're Elvis. It was a whole thing. I remember, but I'm just saying

Hold on, let me look up Daryl Hall. In the eighties. Eighties. Blue-eyed soul. Okay. Austin Butler. What's the matter? No. Because He this guy is a real fake. Like money. Like a real normal face. Why don't you use AI? Like I could have played him. Yes, you definitely could have. I got the blue eyes. Okay, I don't think this this is dead in the water. I think that Or I could play John Oates. What do you think?

You could go either way. Um but I think pain ya. I wanted pain you to play. That would be fun. Yeah, yeah. I really wanted pain you to play Yeah. Okay. Well It looks like Yorma. Sure, sure. Yeah. I think that you guys could do this and use the new AI technology to make you look younger, but it's still you. I th you know, Ben just sold a big company. Netflix. Oh no, he does this. So I think you could do this.

Okay, I'll do it. Okay. It's back on. I'm just that doesn't change how Daryl feels about it, but Maybe time is changing. Oh, the the thing is is by the way, I could do this. He's a public figure. So in in and there is a version where I could have done it without his permission, but I need the music. I the whole show's a celebration of the music. Would you that would you feel it? I wouldn't want to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the the there's no show without the music. Yeah. Did you

ever think about doing it with another musical figure that would say yes to it? Well, the reason I didn't is because, you know, I had this like four year obsession. with Daryl Hall. Hall and Oates, but Daryl Hall. I just I like I it was such an obsession that I was like, I'm being called to do something more than just listen to the music.

Which is how I came up with the idea. I'm like, oh, I wanna be more involved with this music than just listening to it. Yeah. And I don't f I don't feel that way about the catalogue of Sabrina Carpenter. Sabreins. You can play her still. Brainy. Yeah, my window's closing of people I could play. You know, that's just a that's just a fact. A new a new category's opening up. But no one's very prolific in this period. Like no one's trying to watch the third act of a

Famous singer's life. You know. You wanna see the rhyme. You can be in the you're not in the flashback. But you're in the current day. Oh boy. Okay, so it's me, current day, and then Austin Butler when we flashback.

Uh okay. I think we can do some facts now. Oh I've done uh Ike Barnholt's facts. Yeah. Yes. Since I did his show. That's right. Since he was on. And how was it? So much fun. So much fun. You said you got caught. I got a couple oh I got several wrong. Is that what you mean? Yeah, but you said you thought you were tr you were tricked on one. Well I was. He doesn't understand what anthropology is. Yeah. He got it confused with history. Which is fine.

you extra deserve it'cause it's actually not your skill. Yeah. And he still did. I didn't even give a great example to him when I was explaining why that wasn't anthropology. He's like, But isn't isn't s it's a study of man? I go, Yeah, it's the study of man, but mostly the evolution to you know, but

But really I was like, it's the study of man before we wrote and had written records of man. We don't need to we don't need to do detective work. It's the historians tell us what happened in those periods through the written record. Yeah. It's pre-written record that we're trying to figure out. Ouch. Obviously it's not bothering me anymore. Clearly. Um okay. The Moon River Fletch reference. Um nineteen ninety five movie fletched Chevy Chase. Not nineteen ninety five.

Oh my god, nineteen eighty five, my eyes. Oopsies. Cruz the song Moon River while undergoing a humiliating Invasive rectal examination by a doctor. Yeah. And there's a video. Drop your shorts and bend over Mr. Babar. There we go. Oh no, really, yeah. We don't need to. I've uh we don't want to do that.

So you know my kidneys feel a lot better in this position. Maybe it's that I'm not doing any calisthenics. You know, if I did some sit-ups in the morning or bent over like this, I'd probably feel a hundred percent Moo River. Thank you, Doc. Ever serve time? Breathe easy. Breathe easy. Oh wow. There's more. There is? Yeah. As a matter of fact, uh uh using the whole fist talk? Okay, that's about one the other day.

That's funny. I've never seen that movie. You haven't? Mm mm. Well, I'm gonna show it to Lincoln if you wanna join. It's you know it's in a three way tie with my top comedy. I know, you love it. What year did Chevy Chase's talk show start and how long did it run? Nineteen ninety three on Fox. It was canceled after six weeks, twenty-nine episodes. His deal was supposedly three million dollars. It was the first late night talk show on Fox since the late show hosted by Joan Rivers in ninety-eight.

Ben Arsenio Hall and Ross Schaefer, and it was the last until two thousand six. Talk show was spiky. Ferriston debuted then. It got canceled because they promised five to six million viewers nightly, but delivered fewer than two. Also, the show's audience was generally misbehaved and the chairwoman of Fox Broadcasting said Quote, the show was uncomfortable and embarrassing to watch. Oh boy. Ouchy. Not a great review. I didn't see it, so I don't have an opinion. Okay. Um SantaCon.

Now I'm gonna pull back the curtain here. Okay. We're doing some fact checks in advance. Uh-huh. Which means I didn't pull these facts. Okay. SantaCon is an annual bar crawl where people see. Okay. SantaCon is an annual bar crawl where people dress as Santa in hundreds of cities around the world.

It came to the US in ninety six to Portland and in two thousand thirteen it was in three hundred cities globally. Thirty thousand people participated in the New York City two thousand twelve event. In parentheses, I, Sophia. I'm embarrassed to say I have participated in it. In my defense it happened to land on my f twenty first birthday. Oh how fun. Sofia was a part of Santa Crawl. Santa Con. Santa Con. Yes, she was.

I wonder what the arrest rate is. It might be the highest per capita of any distinguished group. I just can you imagine seeing all these drunk Santa's peeing in their their Santa pants and stuff like that. Do you think Sophia was wearing a Santa costume? Yes, I do. Wow. Or an L. Or Monsieur. You probably gotta go with Santa. Yeah. Is that Elf Khan?

Right. It's not It's not Mrs. Claus. We didn't even give her a first although he doesn't have a first name, so Santa. That's his last name. No, Claus is his last name. Oh never mind. So sorry. So sorry. Yes. To stand correct. Well But does she have a name? Saint Cla I mean Yeah, Saint Claus. But Santa Claus. And then she doesn't have one. Mrs. Claude. Her n her first name is Mrs. Yeah. Um what is the Dakota Johnson Tilda Swinton movie Luca

directed. There are two. They're both in two. Oh my goodness. A bigger splash, which was in two thousand fifteen, and Susperia in two thousand eighteen. I have you seen either? No, but I did want to see Susperia 'Cause it it they're like dancers and it's I think it's scary. Oh Tom Tommy York did the soundtrack for Susperia. Oh, cool.

You know who that is? Yeah. Oh. Um he's a big musician. Oh my god. Wait, what is that? Radiohead. Singer of Radiohead. Did you say Tom Yorn? Yorke. Tom York. Oh okay. I knew it was a lead singer of a big band because Rob's said that before. Great. I I like his independent stuff even more than Radiohead. Oh wow. Yeah. What was the okay, what was the band that did stereophonic? Oh, it was uh Will Butler who was in Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire. Okay. Because ding ding ding, Sarah Pigeon

Who plays Carolyn Bassett Kennedy in Love Story was in stereophonic. Oh wow. Multi-hyphenate. Yep. Um, what is the Ryan Murphy with two Ryan Murphy, ding ding ding. Didn't even mean to with two Coopers in it. She couldn't find a movie with two Coopers in it. Um, the the Menendez story has Cooper Cock and Eric Menendez.

All right,'cause there's two Coopers in his in Ike's movie. Yeah. Show. Running point, there's two actors named Cooper. Oh. I think and I said, You got two Coopers, that's pretty rare. Oh, and he said he said it also Bradley Cooper was in Ryan Murphy. He was in Niptuck. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

Early days. Now I think you don't be mad at me because I didn't check this fact. Okay. Okay. The fact is, did the government go to Lamborghini and ask them to make the tractors? Was it Ducati? Well not tractors, but military equipment. They were a tractor company that got asked to make military equipment. Okay, I'm just gonna read what this says. Okay, okay, you're right. Okay. No, Lamborghini Trator Trattori is an agricultural machinery manufacturer founded in nineteen forty eight.

Lamborghini was founded in nineteen sixty-three after Ferrucci Lamborghini had a fight with Enzo Ferrari about the faulty clutch in his Ferrari two hundred fifty GT. Maybe what Dax is talking about. Following World War Two, the Italian government took control of Ducati and shifted them into motorcycle manufacturing, starting with the Cucciolo Moped. That's what I'm thinking of. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that's it.

I love it when Sophia does the facts. Yeah, it's great. You can't get even mad at me. Yeah. Okay. Fun facts about Capy Baras. Biggest rodent in the world. 150 pounds. Yep. Four feet long, two feet tall. Ooh, four feet long. That's disgusting. That's your height. Well virtually it's more heavier than you. It's bigger than you. It is it is heavier. It's a rodent bigger than you. Ew. Okay, found primarily in Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia, Argentina.

Lives in rivers, lakes, marshes, flooded grassland. So they're great swimmers, not like me. Mm-hmm. They practice Caprophy Oh, eating their own poop. Oh, we know that's standard. Yeah. Um they can live in groups of up to a hundred. Mm-hmm. In some places you can have them as a pet. Uh maybe I'll get one in Nashville. Roaming around the yard. Sophia added a little tell Kaylee Cuoco. Oh, smart, smart. Oh wow. Jose Fortigagia monster. And it's not a good idea.

Extinct rodent species that may have weighed over a thousand pounds. Oh yes. Ding ding ding. Wow. Probably right after Pangea. Probably in the megafauna era of the Pleistocene when we had giant sloths and mole mammoths. Probably. Was the caning of Michael Fay in Singapore because of chewing gum? Oh, you're right. No. American student teenager Michael Fay did violate the Vandalism Act, but not with chewing gum.

He was arrested for stealing roadsides and vandalizing eighteen cars over a ten day period in September nineteen ninety three. He pled guilty but later rescinded his plea to the vandalizing but not the roadsides to avoid caning. His sentence was reduced from six to four can cane stri can strikes. Cane strikes.

She forgot an Eve. And it was carried out in nineteen ninety four. He also was sentenced to four months in jail and a fine of three thousand five hundred dollars at the time equivalent to two thousand two hundred and thirty dollars.

The student who pleaded not guilty was sentenced to eight months in prison and twelve strokes. Interestingly, many months after returning to the US, he suffered burns to his hands and face after a butane incident and cited butane abuse in his rehabil in his rehabilitation program. He says that snuffing butane made him forget what happened in Singapore. Ooh. In nineteen ninety two, Singapore did ban the sale, import, and manufacture of chewing gum to reduce vandalism and litter.

Chewing gum is not legal in Singapore, but selling or importing can lead to fines in the thousands, still true today. Oh, I'm so sorry. Chewing gum is not illegal in Singapore. Oh it's not. But selling or importing can lead to fines in the thousands still true today. Okay. So you can't get it. You can't buy it. Yeah. So it's but So it's virtually non existence. Episode.

Yeah. But um I'm really glad my mother and I were still outlaws and smuggled gum and shoot it. I'm gl I'm happy. Also, you present me with jail time versus caning. Cane away. Oh yeah. I I agree. Yeah, let's get candy. But I don't want any of it. No. I just wanna But I prefer it to to if I had incarceration. Yeah. Um that's it. Great job, Sophia on the facts. Love it. She always does better than me.

And um we love Ike Baronholt. Yeah, we sure do continue to love him. And he'll be back. He'll always be back. For s we can count on it. All right. All right, love you.