Holiday Dinner 2025

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to handpick this year's must listens. If you want to finish the year with something you know is going to hit, check out Audible's Best of 2025 and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Go to audible.com slash best of 20. He's an armchair expert.

So welcome to our holiday special. If you have misophonia, sorry. Yeah, this is the wrong app. This isn't the right app for you. But we have a delicious meal and we invited some of our closest and most eccentric. friends and our nicest friend. Yeah. Our worst friend and our best friend. Yeah. Exactly. To even it all out. And our wife is here as well.

And Wobby Wob, who's going to be in and out. And we'll let the listener decide who was the nicest and who was the meanest. Yeah, they need to guess. And maybe in the comments, you know. Exactly. And then we're going to go through some fun questions that the listeners. Yeah. Listeners sent questions in that are like fun dinner party questions. Eric, your dad's.

wonderfully colorful. Like, I'm going to try to use euphemisms and not use the word nuts. But was there any in your childhood big blow-ups at a family Christmas gathering? Well, every Christmas. I mean, it would start nice and then drinking would come and then it would be a big sort of blowout. But then it was great for me because I was an only kid and they'd feel guilty and then I'd get a lot of stuff to make up for it, which was fun.

So you're just hoping he would have a real embarrassing episode, so he'd have to apologize with Gids. Well. Eric started crying. We never saw this side of him. I know. Oh, no, this stuff does hurt, Eric. That's what happens on this.

show yeah you tell a story that you thought was funny for the last 20 years and you tell it wait that's a terrible story were you embarrassed or did you find it funny i don't know because it was family so it wasn't like there were third parties there but it was kind of predictable it was really fun at the same time it would get a little bit scary

And you're attracted to that a little bit now as an adult. It definitely gave me the ability to deal with chaos a lot better than normal people. And cause chaos. And cause chaos. Can you tell the 30-second story about you and Molly being on your honeymoon and you bringing... your parents along for some of it and then you guys being an insanely fancy restaurant in europe in tuxedos oh yeah we were at via de este which is a well-known hotel in

Lake Como. It was very European. And so we're staying there and we're down at the restaurant. And I think it was the night we had checked in and my parents were already there. And they were sitting down. Then Molly and I came later. And I can tell they were a couple Manhattans ahead of us. Of everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom was kind of given...

Molly, kind of a look that I knew was going to be dangerous. Uh-oh. My dad would do this thing where he would, Jose, what are you doing over there, Jose? I never figured out who Jose was. He was kind of delirious? Well, it was like a... Yes. Or was it vaguely a burn on her being Ecuadorian? Oh, yeah. Molly's from Ecuador. No, because it was pre-Molly. Oh, okay. It was like a, what's it called? A imaginary friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he starts looking at it.

Molly's like, you're a worm bait. You're a worm bait. And I'm like, Dad, stop it. You know, this isn't cool. Molly's just sitting there. She doesn't know what's going on. Let's remind everyone. We've really, really sped fast the fact that he called her worm bait. Has anyone ever heard that insult before? Because I had never heard it. Well, I mean, what's lower than a worm? That's how you explained the bait, I guess.

The degree of the burn was... Savage. It's really rough. And for the listener, Molly is our second nicest friend after Amy. Molly's the first. She's so nice. Beautiful and regal and actually hovers above everyone. The notion that she was worm bait is pretty funny because it's almost the opposite. So he keeps doing it. And I'm like, look, man, you can't do this. You do this. You know, I'm going to hit you.

Oh! Because you're not at your best either, we should add. No, I mean, I'm taking... You're not sober yet. I'm taking pills, and I don't even remember what I was taking at the time. So we're at this restaurant, and all the waiters have their little tuxedos on, and it's very... And the guests are carrying on very politely. So my dad just keeps doing it. And so. I just decked my dad. And then he decked me. And then we pushed the table over and all the drinks and everything.

The Beverly Hillbillies have come for dinner. Yeah, the Beverly Hillbillies have come for dinner. And so we just get on the floor and we're just like... Wrestling? Yeah, hitting each other on the ground. For some reason, I had a video recorder on. like on the way home that I still have. And it's just my dad and I yelling at each other and my mom yelling something and Molly's crying. Everyone's dream honeymoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of getting hit. Yes. Jess. Oh, wow.

No. You got hit today. I was just having lunch with the restaurant owners. Also funny, one hour before, she's like, do you mind being filmed? My doc, people are following me around. I'm like... Okay, that's fine. Great. Perfect. So I looked cute. Walk up. She's talking to someone right when I walk up. Camera on. A homeless guy in a wheelchair, comes straight up, jittery, little, I'm 6'5", gets over at me, hey, can you buy me a t-shirt over there?

And I go, what? No, man, I'm so sorry. Can you? Punches me right in my elbow. And that was as high as he could go. Yeah. Thank God. And I didn't flinch. I, okay. That was my reaction. just because it was crazy. And then the owner goes, you got to get out of here, man. And so he rolled a little further and looked at the lady, bitch, and called the lady. And then I got a little bit more aggressive and then he rolled away. And it was all on video? Yes.

At any point, did you think this woman's or whatever show she's making, this is part of it? I know, like, she planted him. Like, what if he turned the corner and then you saw him get out of the wheelchair? Yes, because the owner did say at some point about the homeless guy, he's really tall. I go, how would you know? He's in a fucking wheelchair. Oh, that was a... Oh, no. Now this is weird.

You're going to be in a prank mockumentary. I'm so susceptible. And you are. Yesterday we talked about how susceptible you are. But buy me a shirt. Buy me a medium. Like, what? It was so specific. But they're like, are you all right? I'm like, yes. I...

Forget that I'm 6'5", 220. Like, it just helps sometimes. And she would have been at his level. Monica, I mean. The punch. Monica's... He could have got her in the face. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Neck. Anything. You got licked, right? Did a guy lick the back of your... No, he just touched, right? He just touched the spine of my back. In a weird, like, put a spell on her. And one other thing before the questions, I think a lot of people, the last time they'll have seen you, is you didn't have a mustache.

And so you're in a new phase of your life. And I'm curious, how did you come to decide it? And then how has it been playing out? It's been so good. It is. It's been so fun. Better than expected. Well, I worked at a restaurant for 26 years and we had to be clean shaven every single day. It's kind of like an interview with a vampire. Like she cuts her hair and then it grows back. You have to look like you did when you get hired. However...

you got hired, you have to look like that every day, even 26 years later. So razor burn, razor burn, shavy, shavy. So yeah, I'm playing with the beard, but the beard gets a little gray and white. Sure. And this stays wet. The mustache is wet. Yeah. I got shamed a little bit for the mustache from Monica in the beginning. What do you mean it says wet? Red. Oh, oh, it says red. And I like it a lot. And wet. I think it's in now. Maybe I'm just seeing it more.

seeing more mustaches. It looks handsome on you. Thank you so much. When I first got in the car and he had a mustache, it was like when Delta said, you don't look like my daddy anymore. It felt like that. I think I did say, oh, what's going on?

Are you covering something on your lip? Oh, what's that? But then didn't you have like a gay icon on and they said it's part of the community and you felt bad? Yeah, somebody told us that. I went to a barber for the first time two years ago in Florida. So now I actually do that. And then they just.

trim so that you see my lips still. They shave here. Oh, you're going to have that professionally groomed? Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes. It's really nice. Wow. Seeing your lip is a thing. This just came up. Yes. Oh, it is? What happened? Dax had an experience, a passionate, aggressive experience. Yeah, I was on set, and I happen to know this older actor from another movie I did 20 years ago. So I know her a little bit, but I haven't seen her in...

a decade or more. And I was on set and she came up to me and she got really close to my face and she grabbed my chin and she said, listen, I like to see your upper lip. You're not shaving this up. high enough. I want to see the outline of your upper lip because that's what we want to see because we like that part. So I need to shave differently. It was very flirty and fun and I loved it.

I did trim differently, which Kristen observed, and then I told her why. Because my new 82-year-old lover prefers it that way. I do love an older woman who's so come into her own and stopped dealing with. with most insecurities. I know they never go away, but just was like, no, I'm going to tell this young man something. He needs to hear. About his face. Yeah. That I feel. You know, you would be fuckable if you just. I so respect the fact that she just came.

and was like, listen to me. You didn't give a shit. Here's some notes. And I took it to heart. Yeah. I've seen men that they chomp on it. Like eat it. Wait, what? No, it just is grown there and then they won't know anyone's looking at them. And like Ryan's uncle, even Ryan sometimes gets too long and you're kissing and you're like, you gotta cut that back. Jess's favorite quality in...

a person, physical trait, is having a top lip that's as big as the bottom lip. I love lips. That's rare. It's so rare. Yeah, but so pouty and so... That's what you're supposed to do in pictures. I heard the supermodels, they go, yours is close. I remember Dax's bottom lip, clearly, when we were at the Groundlings together. It's asymmetric. My top lip doesn't really fit the bottom. Right, but the bottom lip was thick. Enough.

It got you past the skinnier upper lip. Lips for me. Mouths. Top. What's yours, Kristen? My favorite physical feature of someone? Eyes for sure. And it's not even about the shape because there's so many shapes that are pretty. There's so many colors that are pretty or appealing, but there's micro muscles around the eye that tell you a lot. about someone, I think, either invite you in or... Windows to the soul. Windows to the soul. Amy? Well...

My initial thought was obviously the butt. But really, it's the eyes. And she just kind of said it too. Tell us about the butt. Yeah. That's nice. I think there could be two different categories. What brings you in? Like, what gets your attention first? And then what part are you most pumped about?

Interesting. I mean, eyes definitely say so much without saying anything, you know? It's so funny. I'm not an eyes girl. Ooh, I like eyes. Well, because you can't see, my friend. Oh, yeah. I have bad eyes. Also, arms are real nice. Arms are nice. I can visualize even.

like Ryan's arms back in high school being like, those are some nice arms. Arms are mine and hands. I'm very into hands. We had a guest on. I won't say who it is. Portugal the man. Okay, fine. Portugal the man. We were in the middle of the interview and I was like, oh. Oh my. He has such nice. He was kind of meek. I would say he was very, very sweet. And he had sort of this meek.

Sensitive soul. Yes. But his hand said otherwise. They were strong and big. Really? A little veiny. They had some veins. And I was like, oh. Oh. It's not like I'm like, that's... What their penis looks like. But it is. No, a lot of people say that. Yeah, they measure this. It is. Yeah, but I don't think that's what's happening for me. Oh, right, right.

But you might know on a primitive level, even though you don't know. Maybe. I don't know what I know I know. Your body knew it. My body knew it. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare. Thanks again to our presenting sponsor, Audible, for their support. So Audible just dropped their best of 2025 collection. And I got to say, this is one of those things that actually makes your life easier, Monica. Their editors have been doing the heavy lifting. We're talking countless.

hours of listening heated debates and the whole thing they've handpicked the year's top audiobooks, podcasts, and originals across all your favorite genres. And what I love is that they're not just highlighting the giant releases, though those are in there. They've also dug up some real hidden gems, the stuff that might have flown under the radar, but totally...

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which everyone says is incredibly warm and reflective. If you want something solid to close out the year, this is a great place to start. Check out Audible's Best of 2025 and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Go to audible.com. Best of 2025.

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Eric, what about you? Well, one of them is skin. Uh-huh. Oh, boy, here we go. We're getting into the controversy immediately. That's what I noticed first, I think. For the listener, Eric is the one that has given me some tough compliments over the years on my skin. I apologize. I mean, not feet? Feet or more, because I sold women's shoes for like 10 years.

And I saw some gnarly feet, some gnarly women's feet. So I really appreciate a good foot, a good woman's foot. You kind of became a connoisseur, basically. Yeah. I wouldn't say I'm like sexually attracted to feet necessarily. It's more that I could really appreciate a nice, pretty little foot. And what ugly feet.

Be a deal breaker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean... But we could never date. If Molly was three sizes bigger and had some corns and, you know, some... Bunions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wouldn't be married. Rob, these cookies are so good.

You couldn't pay me to get within 10 feet of a nut or a dried fruit in a cookie. And I tasted them to be polite one year, and they are my... absolute favorite. I don't know how he does it, but they're incredible. My hair's soaking wet. I don't know. Look at the back of my hair. I've been wiping consistently this whole meal. An astute person might think, oh, fuck, he's on meth.

But you'd have to say, look how much he just ate. He's not on meth. Isn't it unreal? Lobby. Well done. Really well done. Before we get into the questions, I have one last question. And it's basically, I want everyone to tell us out of 10.

how much you love Christmas. Like, is Christmas your favorite holiday? Is Christmas a mid-level? I think out of 10, Jess, you can use the 100 scale. I know you prefer that. I do. Jess, where do you put it? Don't say 92. No. What? No. What do you mean? Why would you say 92? Every movie you've ever seen, ever seen. It's 92. I just go in liking things. He's just positive boy. I really do see the best in everything. Also, I don't go to things that I already know.

that I'm not going to like. You only go to see movies you've already seen. He only goes to 92s. No, 92s. He's got an app on his phone. I just saw Eternity. I really liked it. I cried. 92. 92. This is not great, guys, but... Christmas is not one of my.

thingies. I get sad a little bit. I get a little lonely. That's common. That's good. We needed a Baham bug. And I stopped kind of doing gifts with my family a little bit here and there. We hang out a little bit and it's good and I enjoy eggnog. So the eggnog got me too. 1979.

Oh, wow. Okay. So that's a C plus. Again, you are a high score because from everything you just said, I'm waiting for a 60. No, no, no. I live. I don't. What is that? You've never. I can't imagine you've ever given anything. I enjoy. His worst day is a 77. But I do think that you like some of the traditions around Christmas. So maybe that upped it a little bit. Like Amy and Ryan's Christmas party. Love that. Love what we do.

We had our tree and we had our kid. Yeah. That was really, really nice. We have a really beautiful kid this year. This is our third baby. Do you want to tell them how the birth went? Um, it was geriatric. It was a geriatric pregnancy because I'm getting older. We normally just go in. We immediately know this is our baby. And this one was rough to find. The umbilical cord was a little stuck. What are we talking about?

Our Christmas tree. Oh, oh, oh. No one knows. The listener doesn't know. We don't know. It's been so clear. They're baby trees. We have a tree baby once a year, and it ages— Quickly. It has progeria. Yes, it does. By the time I come home from the holidays, it's dead. It's lived a long, long, long life. Like right now, our baby is like...

34. Yeah, and we've had her seven days. Him. Him. Wait, how do you have a baby tree together if you don't live together? Because I come visit. Excuse me. Wow. A lot of people get people brightened that don't live together. Exactly. They pick it out together.

Oh, you're acting like you had the baby. When they picked it out. I thought you were talking like you went to a Christmas tree lot and picked out a tree. We did. Yeah. Okay. And that's their baby. That's their baby. So it's like more of an adopted baby. No, we had it. And I have to put the lights on. It's hard. Yeah. Even at 6'5". Yeah, like I'm sweating. Also, I can sense.

That I'm not doing it right. No. No, no, no, no, no. You really give and take. You really make me feel safe. You're the female equivalent of Ken Kennedy, which is like he does everything right. He's kind of a perfectionist in everything you're doing around him. You're like, I'm not fucking this up by some measure. I don't have a good eye.

for stuff like that. He's willing. Can I ask you a question about how you do the lights? Because we recently got into this about how you do the lights because I did them this year and do you go around the tree? You do. Don't you find that it's... And holding it and then... Start from the top and then dragging them. You start from the top. That's insanity. So if she was looking at you funny, I think...

Start on the top. You have to start on the top. I have to start on the bottom. There's no way you'll predict where it'll end. Yeah, I will. But you have good judgment. You'll eye it. I have to because the star. But then you have to plug in. Plug in the star at the top. You need the butt.

No, put the star on, then start your strand, go around. And then at the end, if you're running low, then you put the bottom one on and you can just tuck it behind the tree. That's what we do. I could see that. But my question about the either or is if you go all the way around, to me, that's so much more.

work than just going... How would you describe it? Back and forth, zigzag. Yeah, a zigzag. No, but you go all the way around to the back, but you don't have to actually physically go... Step behind the tree. And then when you take them off, you just pull.

That's cool. That's great. That part, I agree with you, is brilliant. But the back of it then looks like kind of a suture. Yeah. Just looking at the back of your tree. Great point. Unfortunately, at my apartment, there's a mirror right behind the tree. You spend a lot of time staring.

to that mirror at the back of the tree? Yeah. Okay, well then, yeah, I can't do it. I can't do it. Can you say one more thing about the suture? Yeah. I don't think it's going to look like a suture because the cord is green and the lights...

are colored and bright. And they're spaced out. And they're all scatty wampus anyway. I don't think it... Okay. That's fair. I'm going to stand by it. Ames? A 10 for me. I'm with you, girl. Favorite holiday. I think you're the only practicing Christian in the group. Unless I don't know that Rob is. He doesn't speak often on his religious views. Do you have an extra gear? And I say this very sincerely because for me, it's all fucking 10.

Now I imagine if I really thought this was also the birthday of my favorite dude, like, is that up it, do you think? A hundred percent. It does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do feel like, oh, yeah, I'm so glad he was born today.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the most exciting gift the world's ever been given. Nice. Yeah. That's so sweet. And it's the whole point. We get to do all the fun things we love to do in celebration of it. Have you ever been like, all these bozos and jambonis shouldn't be celebrating us if they're not. down with the fact that this is all about this guy that you don't believe in like you guys are all posers is that ever

No, because I don't think that you're claiming to celebrate necessarily that. You're just celebrating all the things that come along with Christmas. I do maybe think like, oh, I wish that they got to experience what the joy and the hope and the peace that is brought with this gift of Jesus.

Yeah. Might as well celebrate away. You've never been like, hey, get off my holiday. Either you believe or you don't. You don't get to like. That's because she's a real Christian. But don't you agree to? What's fun is I can imagine believing in.

Jesus. And I know what he's all about. So he wouldn't mind at all. He'd still want us to probably celebrate. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, and me judging people, that wouldn't make anyone feel good. So what's the point of that? That doesn't make any sense. But you could secretly. No. Yeah, I would be. You would. Well, yeah, because there was a peptide that's going to make Eric and I your color. And you're like, this is bullshit.

That is not the same thing at all. Almost the same exact thing. I'm having trouble following that one as well, and I can usually follow you pretty good. Because she's like, you don't get to be Indian when it's convenient to you. You don't get to take a peptide to be Indian when you want to look tan.

That's her point. That is my point, yeah. Which is, that would be a good parallel to the like, you don't get to be Christian on just this day. But people who like Christmas aren't necessarily saying they're Christian. If they on that day were like, yeah, I'm Christian, that would be. It would probably be bad. We're not saying we're Indian. We're just saying we share the same beautiful complexion as Indians.

I'm Indian. Still passed. He said I'm Indian. You did say you were Native American. Yeah. And you believed it in your defense. For a long time. Until 23 and me. When I was growing up, there were a lot of religious communities intermingling of different sorts and then some people who weren't religious. And we called the people who went to church on only Christmas and Easter, we called them Cheesters.

That's a good burn. It's a very Christian burn. It's a very PG burn. Rob, Wobby Wob. What, nine and a half? Nine and a half. This is high as my scale goes. I think it's gone up since having kids. It was not always nine and a half. I take it pretty seriously. We have spreadsheets where here's GIFs from... Santa for the stocking that we're bringing. Is it arrived? Is it ordered? Is it wrapped? You guys are so fucking organized. Because you travel. It's because we travel. We avoid family.

Christmas. That's nice. That's hard to do. We leave L.A. And go see friends. Yeah, that's what we do for Thanksgiving. Yeah. Oh, I want to lodge one complaint. I have a single complaint about Christmas, which was growing up when I would go to these aunts and uncles and we would all get our presents.

Every one of them would go, hey, Daxter, I got you a Christmas and birthday present. Same because my birthday is January 2nd. And then I would look over. I'm like, that's interesting. My brother got the same present. Oh, no. It's not his birthday. It's a scam. Yeah. There's a lot of that bullshit. Yeah. It's really upsetting. So that's my one grievance. Still 100. Okay, should we do a few questions? Yes. Let's see. Okay.

Let's start with this one. If you were trapped slash lost in the wilderness with no food and had to eat someone who's currently present at the holiday dinner to save everyone, who would it be? This is tough. Well, I'll tell you why this is a complicated question because you could go either way. It's like, who would we least miss?

And then who would be most delicious? When I was in college, my friends, Ariel and Jennifer and I, when we'd go to a bar and there would be a lot of leering guys, we used to walk up to one of them at the bar, like all three of us and be like, hi, and start a flirty conversation and be like, we just have a question.

Which one of us is the prettiest? Just to get them very, very uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. Eric would pass that in one second. You. For sure you. There's also an efficiency answer. Like, who would be best to kill? So we'd kill Jess because you want to only have to kill one person. To feed everyone. To feed everybody. Versus you and Kristen are like one Jess. That's what I'm saying. I just really want to eat boobs, though. Oh, really?

Your boobs would be delicatessen. They're so fluffy and meaty. But they're fatty. I know, but I'm like, yeah, I won't take treats. That's why ribeye is so good. So much fat. Just pick Monica. Great. I want to eat her. I think everything about you, like, I don't. want some of Eric's face. Yeah. You know I taste weird. I think you would taste gamey. Yeah. Because of all his peptides. Yeah, it would taste good. I really do, and I really would start with your boobs. And then move to your vagina.

Not for you. No, I'd eat around it. Rob, who would you like to eat? I'm just going on about a meet, so it's between you and Jess. Oh, wow. I'm so flattered. I'm really, I thought for sure no one's going to pick me. Really? Yeah. I would pick you. You would? Yeah, because I. feel like I know what you put into your body I see how you take care of it it's very muscular

and I want a little meat on the bone. It's not that I don't want to taste your boobs, but it's just I would prefer the protein over... You're on a high-protein diet. I'm on a high-protein diet. I'm trying to get through perimenopause, guys. No osteo. Raise your glass to that.

That way, remember we used to all say that we would eat Amy's poop? Well, I was going to say we all said we'd have a fecal transplant. If there was one member of the pod we would all want a fecal transplant from, it was unanimously. I'd eat her poop. Don't eat the poop, guys. You just put my poop up your butt. You don't actually eat it. You just put it up the butt. I think we might want to try it. Eric? I would definitely eat Monica.

Okay, there you go. Because your skin is so nice. Look at how nice her skin is. I agree. I love that skin. What if it has zits all over it at the time? That dark skin. Her feet are his favorite. those nice little fives. I would sacrifice myself. If we were really in this scenario, I would have to sacrifice myself because I don't have kids. I thought that was going to come up. Not even a thought in my mind. Ethical? Yeah, it's more ethical.

It's like if one of us has to get run over by a car, it has to be me. I'm older than you. I'll die. No! We both don't have kids. It's logical for me because I'm the oldest. No, but you have two children who need you. They're already grown. They're almost across the finish line. Yeah. They're both great. Yeah. Oh, I got a big life insurance policy. So I would love. Better for them. I want to hit that.

Life insurance policy expires when I'm 63, I think. So I'm coming up. You're incentivized to be. Yeah. If something happens to Eric, we'll know. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare. Monty, who would you eat? I said Amy. Oh, you did? Yeah. Clean. So clean. But protein, I really miss you, though. And the whole thing would fall apart because you're the one keeping everyone together and nice. So we'd all end up eating each other once you were gone. Good thing this is not a real.

real thing. It is a good thing. Amy, did you pick? I'll just let you guys eat meat. That would be the easiest decision for me. I don't think I could pick. I don't think I could. You have to pick or all your kids die. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Here comes Santa Claus. But again, it goes to probably, yeah, Dax or Jess, the most meat and the most sustainest. Yeah. I feel a little insulted. I didn't get picked for anything. It's just not you. Yeah, you're just not as big. Yeah.

I mean, we think we weigh the exact same. Oh, yeah. Probably. You're a little lighter than me, I think. What do you weigh? Like 194 and a half. Oh, no, you're lighter. It's because of all the peptides. You just put so much peptides in you. You do too, kind of. Not as much as him, though. I don't know. We're pretty peptide. Yeah, we're on the same cockpit. I'll pick you then instead. Okay, thank you. Huh. Wait, okay. This is a question.

Girlfriend and I stand to inherit a lot of money. If we don't come out to our families, what do we do? Oh, for sure. I have this conversation with people all the time. You do? I barely understand. You understood that question? Yeah, these people who have... He has it all the time. Yeah, these people who have in-laws and they're hard to get along with their parents, but they're rich. And you look at it as...

You go to whatever Christmas, Thanksgiving, and you just look at it as like an hourly wage. Let's say these people are worth $10 million to their parents. So they spend 150 hours with them over the next... 10 years, and I don't know what it breaks down to, but I'm sure it's over 10 grand an hour. I mean, if you've got rich relatives...

You have got to kiss their ass for the inheritance. And there's, you know, people are so proud. Oh, well, I don't need anything from my wife's parents or my parents. I'm going to. Make it on my own. Like, fuck you. Take the money. Take the money. It's ridiculous. This principle that you're not going to be nice to the in-laws because they're not the right politics or whatever it is.

Their identity, it sounds like, right? You followed it as well. What do you mean their identity? Well, they're saying we are only accepting of you if you're in a heterosexual relationship. We're only going to pass our money on to you if you're in a heterosexual. Let's say I'll even make a great argument for them.

They're like, this is general rational wealth. We want you to have kids and pass it to those kids and they have kids and carry on the family name. And that's what we want. So, yeah, act like you're straight or whatever to get the money. You hire someone. That person makes a ton, too. Like, hey, you got to come to Christmas with me.

It's just like you're trying to get your green card. It's all a ruse. And you pay them really good. Right. Your fake wife or husband. Right. I mean, if you had parents award with $100 million, you'd figure out how to get that. Yeah.

But then you got to ask yourself, are you OK with reserving that portion of your identity to just yourself or your inner circle and not to those family members? I think that's the counter argument, right, is they would go like, I'm not going to pretend I'm someone else for money. I don't think it matters if those people are receiving a lie. They asked to be lied to with this preposterous condition. So it's like you're not straight because they wanted you to be straight. You're not straight.

You know it. The person you love knows it. Everyone that you care about knows it. This handful of knuckleheads doesn't know it because they wanted you to lie to them. So fuck them. But then you have to spend time with them. I guess that's the other thing. Like you're deciding to. That's where you got to get to the like. $10,000 an hour is a lot of money to spend. It's going to be like two holidays a year for most people. But there's something about having their money. It's like blood money. No.

You just make a mental decision. This really makes me feel fraudulent and betraying myself. Or you can decide I'm not betraying myself. And I would just decide I'm not betraying myself. I'm getting $10 million for fucking a few weekends a year. And me and the person I love are going to. to have this great life because of it. I think whatever you choose is fine. It's ethical, but I don't think it's bad to decide not to take it. I understand wanting to be like free.

Also because it could come with so much more time if they expect them to get married to someone. It's not like they're getting the inheritance tomorrow. They have to make a decision. They'll have to play the game for the rest of their life. Yeah, what if the game is that they now have to be straight? And start slowly poisoning them in a way.

that is undetectable. Do you have a little time on your hands? Yeah. Does it change if we make it race? Like it's a white East Coast blue blood family and they're like, we're only giving you your inheritance if you marry a white woman and then you're... really in love with a black woman. And then you got to tell the black woman, I have to take this white chick to the thing to get the inheritance. Does it feel worse or the same? It does. And why? Why? Because, you know, it shouldn't.

In a weird way. No, that's completely worse because... Well, we're saying racism's worse than homophobia, which is interesting. No, some person on the other end of it, like, I would never... be okay with that. The person of color is going to be like, fuck you. Goodbye. Right. And so the partner might feel that way. Well, we don't. Unless they're both in that situation.

Oh, if they have a gay partner. Because then it's apples to apples, really. It's like you're ashamed. You know, that's what you would think. Well, then, yeah, if that's true, if they have a partner, then no, you can't take the money. Like, you can't then leave that person. The partner may want the money. Or, yeah.

I mean, think about who the joke's on the parents. I, more than anything, want the parents to get fucked in this scenario. Right, exactly. That's what I'm saying. To Amy's point, like, for how long the partner just sits at home for the rest of their life? There's a third option that also might be true, which is like you could call their bluff.

They probably are still going to give you your inheritance. You're their child. They've done this. They've threatened you. This is why money is cancerous in so many ways, because the older folks tried to control the younger generation with this money leverage. Yeah. But often it's bull. You're still getting the money.

Yeah. What brings you happiness at the end of the day? Is it the relationship or the money? The real one might be like, no, I'm not playing that game. I'm going to go live my life and I got the money anyways. So that's likely and worth exploring. And I think it's different if you have rich parents. I don't have rich parents. So I think if.

If you have rich parents, there's a thing about them controlling you that you hate. Right. That I don't have the baggage of either. Right. And that's giving the money the power at the end of the day. I'm not used to them trying to leverage that to control my life. And in that case, I would be like, fuck you. I won't be controlled for money. Yeah. Okay. That was interesting.

If you could commit any crime without legal or moral repercussions, what would you pick? I know what mine would be. Oh, right. I would be a thief. I'm going to use a perfect example. I would take that headband off your head and I would wear it and I'd put it in my closet and it would not be yours anymore. Is that what happened to the shoes you wore? Listen, I have definitely thought. I did say to Anna the other day, Monica.

is nuts if she thinks she's getting these shoes. She knows where to get them if she needs them. But I did, weirdly, I did bring them the other day when we all hung out. I just forgot to get them to you. You will get them back. Thank you. We can share that. But yeah, I would take things off of people physically.

a ferret. If I saw something shiny or that I liked, I'd be like, ooh, I like those shoes. Ooh, I like that earring. I'm going to take it. Ooh, I like that. That's mine now. Yeah. Unlimited gathering. Unlimited gathering. That's good. Guilt-free.

also shoplift then. Let's add that to the mix because that's like you're in a store and you're like, I want it. Sure. But what's funny is I'm less inclined to do that because in a store, there's too many options. Again, you have to understand my brain works in a very specific way that there's too many. options, I get overwhelmed really, really easily. And I really have to like sit there and stare at everything in the process.

I know that headband. There are 100,000 headbands to choose from. That one looks great because you're making it look great and I'm going to take it. And it's mine. And it's like in the moment. You're just seeing it right there and you're like, I got to have it. Oh, it looks so pretty. I have one.

would kill Putin. Yeah, I was going to say, I imagine someone would kill like a leader, a foreign leader. That's not bad. Yeah, I'd kill the fuck out of him and I'd have a good time doing it. That could backfire big time though because you could have a worse person. come in power or you can have a nuclear, at least we haven't been in a nuclear war. I mean, what if you killed Putin and then there was a nuclear war?

That man, we'll go down in history, is one of the most successful administrators of power. The way he has silenced the media and the way he's... imprisoned his enemies he is a genius on that level i don't think he could be replaced by someone as savvy as him i think there'd be a string of like their previous presidents right i just think he is uniquely he was

raised by the KGB. You know, he is a unique individual that has somehow kept power over that country like he was born a king. He's been in power for like 30 years at this point. He's not going anywhere. But at the same time, you're not really worried about... being in a nuclear war. I think a lot of us have been watching this Ukraine thing going, God, what's the limit to this? Yeah.

Yeah, I have not felt incredibly at ease about that. I mean, this feels impossible because they all feel like they have a moral repercussion. I don't have a desire, really, in my heart to do that. But I did really love the cartoon Robin Hood. And I always thought it'd be fun to steal from the rich and then give it to the poor because...

They have too much. Even it all out. Even it out a little bit, however you do that. And let's say you've got an all-you-can-eat bar of billionaires, right? You've got Bezos you could knock off. You've got Gates. You've got Zuckerberg. And you've got Elon. It's like.

I wouldn't feel terrible about relieving. They would probably not even notice. And then you'd do so much good with it. That's the— Whoa, Jennifer. I think it's so funny because I think most people fantasize about the Robin Hood idea, but— Taxes is the Robin Hood idea. It is taking from the rich and trying to disseminate it out. That's the part that misses, I feel. And so, like, I think a lot of people...

who don't want taxes would also say like, yeah, Robinhood. Not you. You aren't in that case. But I feel like maybe Elon wouldn't say he wants a Robinhood situation. I would do the tax fraud. Tax fraud? I don't know. Is that illegal? Yeah. Yep. That's my fraud. I'm picking that one. You got to make a lot of money to have tax fraud, though, be yours.

I'm not making a lot of money, but I'm already in a little bit of tax stuff right now. You're not going to pay taxes. I'm not paying taxes. Yeah, good for you. And I'm just going to, yeah. Right after the Robin Hood coming, I love it. That's my point. I agree with that. And also, I shouldn't pay taxes. Yeah, that's what most people think. Well, if they were distributed really well, that'd be nice. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

Do you have one, Eric? I definitely wouldn't steal from a billionaire because I would still feel bad. I'm trying to think of something I just wouldn't feel guilty about. I like the Colombian drug, like steal from drug dealers, I guess. I was thinking steal from like the Federal Reserve, but then you're... Still...

stealing from the government. You could do something that didn't have, what's a financial crime that doesn't really have a victim? Maybe like insider trading. Oh, insider trading I like. Because nobody's really getting hurt doing it. Although I would... never do it because it's illegal. Right. But. I know. Okay, I like that. I think shoplifting is good, but part of the high from shopping is the payment for me.

It's like I have the power to own this. Oh, wow. Not the item. I mean, the items are great. I pick out items. But it feels good to be able to pay for what this thing you want. It's like what it means. Yeah, you earned this to get to that point. Yeah.

Is it wrong to order takeout and then claim you made it? Rob says yes. And I think yes, too. That's lying. Yeah. You? I mean, who cares, right? I would lie about that. That's like a lie that it doesn't matter. But you don't cook, so you don't understand that it takes some real energy and effort and thought. to do. So if you're saying I did that too and you didn't. And your aunt slaved away on something else and she brought this.

And it doesn't make you feel good at the end of the day. You lay down being like, why did I do that? For me, it's, did they buy my lie? Because I only wouldn't say it because they were like, yeah, right, Jess. They would see right through it. Yeah. It would be unbelievable. But if I really could... pull it off it's in these nice plates and it's not smokehouse garlic bread but it's like i made this and they believe me then maybe i would

This was all Stouffers, I should say now. And I feel like it's weird. It's interesting how not black and white these questions are to me. Like, I need so much more context. Because if you were to say, like, sure, lying about a meal, no, I probably wouldn't do that because I'd feel like an idiot. Because you're right, Rob.

That's a lie. But if you're going to tell me that the girlfriends are going to host a Christmas for their families, and this is their coming out party, and they're going to do it really peacefully and say, we certainly hope we're not cut out of the inheritance. This is the girl I love.

rushing around all day and they've both been incredibly stressed because they have to come out to their families and they go to Din Tai Fung up the street and they order it and they go, shoot, Aunt Carla loves home cooked meals. Let's just say we made it and then they plate everything. Those girls are on a trajectory where they didn't have the time to do that. I'm cool if those girls go, we made all of this for you. If the family's like, oh, thank you very much. And then the family's like.

How did you make a fortune cookie? You have a factory? You make dumplings? Say the lies were easy. Or that I had quick recall of restaurants. Did Typhoon was the only thing I thought of. Great restaurant. I like what's the word? First gift you've ever received. I have a good memory and I can't think of one. Maybe not me, but I did get my stepdad a joke tie.

And he shamed me in front of everyone. And I was like 11 and I was mortified. He really made me like you got me like it was just really just. Double down. That was the worst gift he's ever gotten in his life. What was the joke of the tide? Did it squirt water? No, it just looked silly. Silly. And I think it was at the mall.

I got him something, and it was just like, really? Poor little Jess. Yeah, that's so sad. Joe Bella, if you're watching this, I don't know my age, really, because if I was 16, maybe, but... I'm remembering as I was a kid. I think you have to be like 30 or above to shame someone for a present they got you. Okay. A joke time. Well, not 30. I mean, what was Christmas in Sweden like?

Because you had a bunch there, right? Amazing, but very macrobiotic. And we didn't buy a tree. We had a paper tree on the wall. It was a green tree. And one wooden toy. Yeah, and like we would eat carob. But that's more just because your dad, not because of Sweden. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not gluttonous. Like, it was all about, we're not going to kill a tree. Oh, that's why it was a paper. But that's made of paper. That's made of tree. Yeah, I don't know. But lonely.

I mean, but it was nice. Yeah, but I missed my dad. It was nice. It was great. It made me sad. No wonder Christmas is sad 79 for you. Okay, I think this one would be good. Name one thing you're letting go of. From 2025, Eric. Oh, that I'm letting go of. This isn't a New Year's resolution. It kind of is. I want to stop.

drinking caffeine past 6 o'clock at night. Oh, there we go. Completely? They say to set realistic goals, so that's probably smart. Well, yeah, and the amount that I drink, I was thinking today, like, caffeine has a five-hour half-life. life if i have eight espressos in the morning at 10 o'clock that's still like i was drinking an espresso right before i went to bed but and then i drink a celsius at like two and

I'm wondering why my sleep is not great. It's just asinine that I do that. So I want to leave the caffeine at the table at 25. That's great. I'm opposite. I might pick something back up next year. Smoking. No, I haven't been on any apps for a whole year. Oh, yeah. One app, no dating and no sex for a whole year. So maybe I will give up a little bit of my work addiction.

How's that? Oh, interesting. What has been the result of celibacy for a year? The cons is, oh no, am I ever going to get it back? Is that part of me going to ever get... The desire. Yeah, the desire. Like the more sex you have, the more you want it. And the less sex you have, the less you want it. So now I'm just not even thinking about it. I'm like, oh my God, this was such a big part of my life. And the pros is what I'm doing, which is I have a career and I'm working and I'm getting self.

esteem from actually helping people and helping restaurants. So I'm loving that. But I do think it's become a little bit of a obsession to thinking about that all the time, just like whether it's the apps or the job.

What are you letting go of, Kristen? I know mine, and I knew it right off the bat when you asked the question, and I felt so excited. Judgment. Nice. Of others or yourself? Both. I wouldn't say I'm a judgmental person, but I certainly form judgments and have judgments about people. It's not what I lead with. It's not like my first five instincts, but it's in there, especially if my feelings are hurt.

If my feelings are hurt, I have noticed I will be much less likely to give the level of compassion that I know I want to give to someone else, mainly because they just hurt my feelings. I have decided that that's just not serving me anymore. And I'm not going to be in an invisible war with anyone. And it doesn't make sense in my body or in my brain or in my heart. And so I'm just not going to judge. Anything anymore. Did 2025 have more judgments than other years? Uh...

Yeah, why do you think it's something you've become aware of that you're like, you know what, I'm going to tackle this. I don't know if I was feeling extra vulnerable this year or if my... feelings got hurt more this year or if I felt more judged this year, but my judgments were spiking. I felt like I didn't have armor on or something. You know what?

Everyone is doing the best they can with what they've got, me included, and everyone else on this planet. And I'm just going to let that be. I don't need to have an opinion about what someone else is doing. It's hard when it's affecting you. Yeah. But that's... Beautiful goal. But it's funny because I would never put you in a category of needing to do that. I feel like you will always lend compassion. Thank you. I certainly try to, but I think when I can't. Or when it's not as easy for me.

That's when I know I need to like make a statement to myself of like, yeah, we're just not doing that anymore. We're not judging anybody. I'm not judging the person that's speeding. We're not judging the person that's nasty on the Internet. We're not judging the grocery store clerk for doing this.

that or not doing that we're giving everyone the benefit of the doubt if someone is going slow they have a cake in the back of the car if someone is going fast they have a pregnant lady in the car i can create scenarios to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and

And I'm going to do that. And I'm just losing all judgment. It's not fun. That's great. That's funny, though, that she has that one because she's probably like one of the best persons at having empathy for other people. Like no matter who they are. Yeah. You're not in your mind. I know. Yeah, I'm just kidding. Well, we have code words, really. I have learned that I've got a preface. I want to rant. I want to be toxic for a second. Right.

Like, I want to call this person an asshole. I don't want to hear about why it might not be their fault. Or it might not, they might have had this thing. Like, I need to express that I fucking hate this about this person right now. And I'm not really interested in making a case for them yet.

I'll get there, but I'm not there. I feel like you've done me the same favor. Yeah. When you can tell that I just need to like rant. I know what it's coming from too. It's like, oh, they're struggling with this. If I can.

paint this other version it might alleviate this angst they're feeling like it feels like a solution i think in the moment when you're delivering that but when you're receiving it you're like well then i don't even want to tell you i'll tell someone else that's willing to go like they're a fucking prick. And then later I'll think of it, you know.

What is it, comfort or advice? How do you want me to answer that? Isn't that what you're supposed to say? Right. What do you want right now? A solution or, yeah, just in a listening ear. Amy, you're really hard on yourself. Of anyone I know. You're always trying to be better and you've been...

perfect since i met you so i know you have something even though you shouldn't the first thing that came to my mind was maybe like busyness saying no to more things and slowing down a little bit which is hard to do great i like to be productive and

I like to do things, but it's okay if they don't get done. So I'll use this very public forum to ask this very personal question. Yeah. So I too have to be very productive at all times. My kind of dream is that I can think I'm worthy of love without being...

productive and spectacular. And I'm just curious if you know what this engine is in you. Are you just genetically born to be that hardworking all the time? Or do you have fear that if you're not spectacular and productive at all times, you won't be loved?

I don't think it stems from that. I feel like it stems from there's just always something to be done with a house of three girls. And I have two jobs at the moment and my husband's gone. So there just always feels like there's something to be done.

But it's also okay if the floor doesn't get mopped and that there's extra laundry to do. But I knew you before you had kids. Yeah. Before there was a circus. Yeah. And you were by far the most industrious person in that house of 12 people. Right, Mama? When your oldest daughter was born, your water broke.

and you got up and made banana bread before you went to the hospital. Well, they told me it would take a long time. So I thought, why not distract myself with some banana bread? I don't think it feels like I need to... get love from it because I know that I'm loved. I feel it so deeply. I think I genuinely love to create. I love to like make things. I love to have things in order, but.

I also self-esteem. Well, yeah, but I also just enjoy it. I really love accomplishing things. I love learning new things. If something breaks, I'm like, let me see if I can fix it first because it's exciting. My dad is really handy and loves to like figure it out for himself. And I would always go along with him and he'd teach me how to. Put the putty on the wall and sand it down. And I love to learn how to do things. I like to know how to do stuff. And not to embarrass Ryan or emasculate him.

For certain, every time you come over and there's some project being done, you are doing it. I don't even know if he knows where the tools are. You are definitely doing all the stuff. He will hand me the tools. He will hand me the spatula and make me laugh the whole time. But no, he did not get given the handyman.

I was talking to Kristen a while ago. I've been reading books about the Sabbath and what that actually means and what I always thought it meant. What does it mean and what did you think it meant? I thought it meant that you are forced to just read the Bible all day or something and have all these rituals and it was a law that you had to live by that was... more condemning in a way. And I'm learning that it's a gift of a day to delight in God's creation.

and like be still and enjoy it and do things you like, which if it's a walk or a dinner with friends where we say yes to so much because there's always something to do and a party to go to. And it's like if you prep the week, then you can have a day where you don't have to do the long.

or any checklist stuff and you can just read a book all day you can just be and so my heart has been craving that idea because there's always something to do but it's like if you allow time to just rest it's a gift I knew that within an hour and a half we would see on display that Amy's the most beautiful person in the world. Yeah, she's so peaceful. I want some of that peace. I need to find Jesus. It's pretty great, y'all.

You're selling Jesus really well. You wear Jesus well. I am a C-H. I am a C-H-I-S-T-I-N. I have the L-O-R-D in my H-E-A-R-T and a L-O-V-E. That's the happiest I've made. I was laughing so loud in the car. I think my version is a little different, and I love your version even more. Everyone corrected me. Where did I get? I have L-O-V-E. It's so close. I think I'm a C-H-R-I-S-T. I have C-H-R-I-S-T in my H-E-A-R-T. and I will L-O-V-E-E-T-E-R-N-A-L-Y.

That's hard. What is that one? Longevity? I will love eternally, I think. Oh, I love eternally. I can't spell. I can't spell either. That's why it's a memorization from childhood. But it just made me laugh so hard. And then you got Monica to sing on the podcast. I didn't even know what's happening.

happen i didn't do it this time it was a christmas miracle and the lord intervened right that was an intervention do you know what you're giving up yes i am going to try to give up fear of change that's a hard one Yes, it's very hard for me. But I'm going to try to just ride the wave a little more. Like, it's okay that things are changing and feeling unsteady or unsafe is okay. It's going to be fine. The only certain thing in life is change. That's right. Good job.

Buddhist. That was very Buddhist. I was Buddhist a little bit this year, if you remember, a couple weeks. Intermittently, yeah. Yeah. Intermittent Buddhist. Like intermittent fasting. Yeah. I'm going to add a couple more weeks this year to Buddhism. What about you? I think I'm going to take the cue from our 12-year-old who said, I just have too many opinions. And that's probably true. You're giving up all opinions? Don't do that. We love them. I have an opinion on anything.

Anything you say to me within four seconds, I know immediately how I feel for better or worse. You've been so good lately, though, at letting other people talk and not like you'll you'll. Like, there'll be a group of us. A real-time compliment. I've been waiting all day. Well, there'll be a group of people. I know I could see you, and I know you have something, and you don't say it, and somebody like Molly or Amy or Kristen, somebody will...

say it, and then you still don't talk. You do it a lot. Oh, well, thank you. As controversial as it is, I am identifying greatly with this ADHD symptom-y thing, and I am recognizing... Through these many memes, I see the interrupting thing. I'm just aware of like, I can't resist saying it. And then I interrupt and I do all these things. I'm just like, I got to get my hand. Yeah, but you've been working on that for a couple of years, I think. God bless you. And I had one more because I.

I told my daughter that I'm going to go to the grave saying this. I'll be dying and I'll be saying, why did you worry so much? You worry so much about so many things. Yep. It doesn't really matter if these things happen or not. You just live. It doesn't fix the problem. Yeah, and sometimes I'll think of you. I mean, you don't worry very much at all. Try not to because it doesn't help anything. I think I can worry my way out of things. It'll lead to premature.

death. Yeah. When he's worshipping the problem. Yeah. That wasn't really hit. Well, you guys, I love you so much. Wabi, thank you for making cookies. Yes. Thank you for spaghetti. The fact that we have this many good friends that we can call and say like, hey, come over and be on the show and eat spaghetti. And they go, absolutely. What time?

Fuck, dude. That's better than everything else. I love all you guys so much. Love you. Love you. Thank you for having us. Merry Christmas. I hope this gets you from a 78 to an 81. 92. Back to 92. All right. Love you guys. Merry Christmas. Love you guys. Can I take the cookies to go?

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