Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and this is Monica Padman. Hi. Hello. Today is cruise ships. Oof.
Didn't make me want to go on a cruise, I'll tell you that. I know. We should have almost called Laura LeBeau as an antidote because she just went on a Viking cruise. And she loved it. at the time of her life. Oh, good. My parents have gone on a couple and they love it. She said she's not going to do any other cruise line, though, after this experience. She said the food was absolutely, outrageously good.
Yeah, this one you can listen to, I think. You can listen to this one. Oh, no. Yeah, there's stuff. Chemical Cauterization. Oh! Yeah. Oh, yeah. But no, no. Well, whatever. Fuck it. I don't know. There's fluids. Yeah. All right. Please enjoy cruise ship stories. The following is a promotional message paid for by Macmillan Cancer Support, a registered charity. If you or someone you care about has been diagnosed with cancer, the Macmillan online community is here.
McMillan's online community is open 24-7. It's a free, safe space to connect with people who get what it's like to have cancer. You can browse groups, ask questions to an expert. Share your experience or just see what others have to say. On the online community, no question is too big, too small, or too personal. Their members have all been there too. Plus, it's completely anonymous. Search Macmillan online community today.
It's been 80 years since World War II came to an end in Europe. And Wondery is marking the anniversary with three brand new seasons of British Scandal, The Spy Who and Legacy. In our podcast, British Scandal... We uncover the bizarre tale of William Joyce, dubbed Lord Hoar Hoar, the plummy voice traitor who became Hitler's favourite broadcaster. His radio catchphrase, Germany Calling, reached millions of British listeners. But behind the mic, Joyce...
Liz's loyalties were anything but British. In the latest season of The Spy Who, we open the file on Hardy Amies, the spy who dressed the queen. Fashion designer Hardy Amies lives in two worlds. One of elegance, where he dresses Hollywood icons and royalty, and another in the shadows, where he orchestrates assassinations in Nazi-occupied Belgium.
And in our podcast, Legacy, we're talking about Joseph Stalin, a murderous dictator who saved the world from another murderous dictator. The man who defeated Hitler, but also the man who oversaw the deaths of millions of his own people. How did he get away with it? And why is he so popular in Russia today? So whether it's a double agent, a dictator or a disgraced broadcaster, get stuck into Wondery's VE Day specials from British Scandal, The Spy Who and Legacy.
Find them wherever you listen to podcasts or binge the full seasons early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Take them slow. My life, I had them old. Remember one thing you gotta know. I'm gonna keep on shining. Hello, Hal. Hello. It's nice to meet you.
Is that your lover's blouse behind you or yours? Is it birds or flowers on the sleeves? It is my wife's. We are in my daughter's closet. You guys did the impossible. You got my daughter to clean up her closet just so I can talk to you. Well, you're welcome. Welcome, I guess, because that's an impossible task. It is an impossible task, as you probably know. Yes. How old is your daughter? I have two.
just like you. I've got a ninth grader and a seventh grader, so I'm a couple of years ahead of you. Oh, yeah. Things are getting real busy. They are. Where are you at, Hal? I am in Lloyd Harbor, New York. It's on Long Island. Oh, how far from the city? About 40 miles or so.
If you want to go to like Montauk, how long of a trip is that for you? I'm on the North shore of Long Island. Montauk's on the South and all the way out East. So it's a good hour and a half, two hours from here. That's not bad though. You're two hours from paradise. Exactly.
Although I'd say where we are is pretty Edenic as well. Edenic? I like that. Wow, that's a takeoff on Eden? Yeah. Did you know it, Monica? I don't think I've heard it. Edenic. That's a good vocab word. That's going in my arsenal. Okay, so you have a crazy... cruise ship story I do can I set the stage a little bit oh you can set the fuck out of the stage Hal
All right. This is about 2002. I'm a couple years younger than you, Dax, but basically the same age. I was in law school. It's our second year. And if you know anything about how law school works, after your first year, which is super intense, you try and get an internship in the fall. all of that year for the following summer. And so my friends and I, we are all gotten our internships. So this was spring break of our second year of law school.
and we're feeling pretty good we're less stressed we want to blow it out so we book a cruise and it's for spring break so it's on a party cruise line for me this is a big deal i didn't get to go on many vacations growing up i was on loans and really quick if you're on a budget Cruz is nice. Could you get the drink pass at that point?
There was no drink pass. That hurt a lot. I didn't realize that was going to be a thing until the end of the cruise when you get that bill. I get really sick the week before. It's a couple days before we're supposed to leave, and I don't think I can go. I've got fever.
I can swallow. I've got congestion. I'm just horrible. My buddy describes it. He came over to drop off a sandwich for me so I could eat. And he said he opened the door and it smelled and felt like death. So it was basically that kind of situation.
He immediately drops the sandwich and basically runs out. He goes and calls my other friend. And you know when you have that friend who's kind of like the party guy, the motivator, the guy who's going to get you to go and do something? He was that guy. And he called me up and just gave me some tough love. going there's no chance you're not fix yourself so i go i grab some antibiotic and it kicks in about a day and a half later i'm feeling a little bit better
If you take antibiotic, those labels on it tell you no sun, no alcohol, no cruises, basically. Maybe not the best choice, right? But I'm good to go. I'm going. We get to the cruise. You get on the first day. And if you've taken a cruise, you're going to go up to the top and you're going to watch it disembark. Can I quickly ask, where is it?
taking off from and where will you be going we're taking off out of miami and we're going down to the caribbean so we're going to hit like st thomas and st croix classic cruise on the carnival cruise line so the classic cruise line as well So we're up on the top and we're watching it leave. And we've already got our first boat drinks in our hands. But remember, I'm not supposed to be in the sun. And I'm not supposed to have alcohol. And first day, I'm out on the deck.
drinking alcohol and in the sun. I didn't realize this, but you don't feel the sun on the cruise, right? Because you get all that wind from how fast you're going. So it feels pretty cool even when it's hot. But you see my pigmentation here. I am not somebody who tans easily. I'd burn almost immediately, which started to happen. But I realized, I said, all right, I better put some sunblock on.
And at this point, I'm in that phase where I've had enough drinks where I think I'm pretty good at everything. So I start putting my sunblock on. I think I've got good coverage. But the next day I wake up and clearly I had just smeared sunblock. kind of down the center of my chest. And now I've got the worst sunburn I've ever had. And I think Wobby Wobb has a picture. Let's take a gander at this sunburn.
To say you're a lobster is spot on as it gets. And it's a really flattering picture, too. It's everything you want. We'll get to where that picture takes place because that's two or three days later. Oh, wow. Okay. I've got a beer in hand again. And at this point, you know that first of all, my friends are giving me so much shit.
I'm also the guy on the cruise who has this ridiculous sunburn. And so everybody's starting to know me as that guy with the sunburn. It also hurts, right? So I have to kind of shield myself from sun wherever I can. I'm in the shade. Two days later, I'm okay. I'm going out. It hadn't blistered yet. It hadn't started peeling yet.
because that happened later. But we get to the beach on I think it was St. Croix at this point. And we're feeling good. We're on the beach drinking a beer. You know, we start chatting up this group of women. We go into the water. This is all going super well. I'm feeling good. In the water, I'm out of the sun, right? It's not hurting anymore. My antibiotic is taking care of everything it needs to take care of.
And I'm talking to this pretty woman. This was long before my wife. And I stubbed my toe. In the water? In the water. Oh. Well, a shell. Maybe it's a shell. Maybe it's a piece of coral. Something, right? I stubbed my toe. And it hurts, but I try not to think anything of it. And I just keep chatting up this woman and it starts to hurt some more. What is this? This really hurts. Now I'm kind of walking away from her and my buddy's chatting her up. And I pick my foot up out of the water, kind of.
trying to see if there's anything there, holding my toe. And my friend looks at it and he says, what's all that black stuff on the bottom of your foot? And I say, I don't know. And then at that point. Pain sets in like I've never felt before. I am writhing around. I'm screaming. Now I'm also scared because I have no idea what this is.
So I started trying to get out of the water. Is it a burning pain or like an impact pain? It's a stinging, searing pain. So I go hopping out of the water. And if you've ever tried to get out of the ocean on one foot, it's actually really. hard so now i'm like army crawling up the beach My buddy tells me later that one of the girls I was talking to says, oh, does your friend always cry this much? Oh, wow. I get up onto the beach. I'm holding my foot. I'm still kind of screaming about it.
and a guy walks by and he looks down at my foot he said oh yeah you stepped on a sea urchin so i had kicked a sea urchin and it was Extremely painful. I don't know if you've ever done that or heard of anybody. Did you just do it? Funny enough, I just in Hawaii got five quills in my heel. They're still there. Just this morning. I'm like, when are these coming out? Yeah.
So you found out that you kind of just let them dissolve. Well, my daughters thought you're going to get poisoned and die. And I'm like, no, there's no way they're letting us snorkel in front of the hotel. I'm not saying they're poisonous. They ran it to the scuba guy and then he came and gave me vinegar.
and said, soak your foot in vinegar. That'll help it dissolve. I did that. They didn't dissolve. Anyway, sorry. No, no. So I'm with my buddy. He's that overachiever. He's a doctor and a lawyer. And he was the ER trained. So he says, I'll go back with you to the cruise ship and see what they'll do for it.
Because the guy that walked by said I have to get him taken out, which, as you know, is incorrect. Yeah, yeah. So I'm waiting in the taxi. He's also the person who's going to give you the most shit about anything and loves to tell stories. So he's telling everybody on the beach what happened to me. And then we go to the cruise. They told me I don't.
I don't take any of them out. So then I just limp around for the next few hours. So that's sort of the end of sea urchin part. Oh, God. Now there's a third part to this. So I think I'm in the clear. I'm starting to feel good later on. And I'm like, all right, no more mistakes. Nothing's going to happen anymore. I'm sitting at a table in a bar. Another one of my friends comes over with a couple of girls and they sit down and we're just chit chatting.
and I lean over to say something to her and I put my hand behind her chair and now I feel something in my hand. What? And so I pull my hand out and it's covered in splinters and it's bleeding. It's everywhere. But now I am at a point in this cruise where I can't show any pain. I can't do anything that's going to bring any more attraction. So I kind of just hide it away. But I wasn't fast enough because my friend saw it. And he then goes, jumps up.
and goes and grabs all my other friends to come and look at me so that they can then have another laugh at my expense for the rest of the time. Wow. This was a deck chair that just was scraggly on the back? Yeah, it was just beat up on the back.
and I didn't know it and just bad luck. I hate to be disparaging about Carnival, but let's get those deck chairs oiled and sanded. Yeah, yikes. They probably have over the last 25 years. Yeah, this is like, you don't really like my Ziggy reference because you didn't grow up. breeding Ziggy. I don't know Ziggy. But do you remember Ziggy Hale? Of course. He was the cutest cartoon in everything that could go wrong that Ziggy did. This is really like Ziggy went on a cruise in a lot of ways.
It was tough. Thankfully, nothing else really happened on the rest of the cruise that was bad, but it was enough that I took shit for the rest of the time. We repeated the cruise the next year. Thankfully, nothing happened. Well, I'm impressed you win again. I would be like, fuck that. Let's just go to one of these islands.
that we want to be at and just be there. Were there any gals on the boat that really took pity on you? I was going to say, any nurses? Nurses would have been a great meet cue. No, I'm not that slick. Maybe I could have played it better and played it up a little bit. But I didn't play the pity card very well. Oh, wow.
Wow, that's a real shit cruise. And you didn't make out with anyone. Oh, let's not say that. Oh, okay, great. Okay. Okay, you still came out on top. Okay. It was still a fun cruise, and it was still a spring break. You know, things happen. Great, great, great, great. So, Nat.
win, maybe. Net win, and I'm talking to you guys. That's a definite positive. And actually, Dax, I thought we weren't going to hear from you guys on this story, and then I heard from Emma, I was in White Lake, Michigan. No! It's the first time I've been to Michigan in maybe 16 years or so.
What on earth were you doing in White Lake? So I grew up in Highland, right next door, bordering White Lake. I didn't know that, but one of my good friends from growing up lives there. We see each other fairly often, but I had not visited him there. Emma reached out when I was actually. visit him for the first time in 16 years. Does he live on the lake? He does not. His in-laws do, though. Okay. Well, Hale, delightful meeting you. God, did you give your buddies a gift.
Truly, there's no better gift than like when one of your buddies can take the beating on everyone else's behalf. Totally. I think if it happened now, I would kind of take it like you do, Dax, and say, oh, this is going to be a story one day.
At 24 years old, I wasn't taking it that way. I took it pretty hard during the trip. So if you don't mind, my family's waiting right out there. My older daughter was the one who encouraged me to submit for the prom. So they'd love to get on and meet you. Absolutely. Bring them in. Hi! Are you the owner of this closet? Yeah, Ed.
Big computer. It's on. I'm Layla. Hi, Layla. We heard you cleaned just for us. Yeah, that is not something that happens often. Well, it looks great. I mean, it's ready for a photo shoot. Thanks. I just want to say, I'm so excited to meet you guys. When I saw this prompt, I was actually outside and I was re-listening to the beach stories where the guy stepped on the sea urchin. And I was thinking, oh, dad's story would be great to go on Armchair Anonymous. And then I looked right then.
And there was a cruise ship story. So I ran inside. Sim, Sim, Sim. Very Simmy. Really quick, my aunt asked me to give a shout out. So she's my mom's twin. Oh, identical or fraternal? Identical. Love you, Tracy. Do you feel like you have two moms? It's weird because I have three cousins from my mom's twin. We look pretty similar and we always joke that we're half siblings. Yes, yes, yes. Double first cousins, half siblings. Whoa. I wish your mom had married an identical.
twin then your cousins would really be your siblings yeah that would be a very interesting experiment well it's very nice meeting you really good luck with ninth grade tell your seventh grade sister good luck with seventh grade good luck with seventh grade My favorite year of my life. And say hi to mom. Hi, mom. Well, nice meeting you guys. Take care. Bye.
Oh, my God, a whole family. That was cute. We love identical twins. Because they're so rare. They're limited edition. I guess everyone loves identical twins, probably. Well. we're probably not unique in that right okay comment if you don't like identical twins okay yeah i could see people being scared by them especially if you don't really believe in science and god makes babies kind of a situation they think they're demons yeah maybe like how do you explain that if you don't believe in a
That is indeed the explanation. In the absence of that explanation, what would you possibly guess? Demons. Amen. Or this one was so good that God had to make two. Really good spin. Hi, Greg James. Hi, Alice Levine. People might know you from the Rounders podcast you do. It's cricket. And people will know you, I guess, from, oh, my dad's in a scandal, whatever. Rude. Anyway, whatever podcasts you listen to, you are going to love this.
We're here to tell you about the UK's biggest podcast festival. Crossed Wires. Great radio voice. It's three days of your favourite podcast shows, all in iconic venues across Sheffield from the 4th to the 6th of July. Let me give you some of the line-up. Go on. We'll start big. So Grimmy and Angela Hartnett are going to be doing Dish. Live. Amazing. We're also going to have, we need to talk with Paul C Brunson. No such thing as a fish are going to be there.
Taylanders. Thank you. We'll have Pod Save the UK with Nish and Coco. Plus Matt Ford's political party. And Greg, you're going to be recording a very special live podcast. with the one and only Sir Michael Palin. As if all that wasn't enough, we've also got an entirely free Fringe programme with live podcast recordings from Frank Skinner, Russell Kane and Sarah Cox.
Plus DJ sets and after parties. It is just going to be such a fun weekend. I actually think that line-up's maybe too good. Yeah, who could we lose? Don't answer that. Tickets are on sale now. Head to crossedwires.live to get yours. That's crossed, C-R-O-S-S-E-D, wires, the usual spelling, then a full stop, then the word live. Is that clear? He's brains and beauty.
I'm John Robbins and joining me on How Do You Coke this week is the podcaster Hannah Maguire. Something might happen like the other day. I dropped a sandwich on the floor and I had to go and cry in the toilet for 10 minutes. But it wasn't really about the sandwich. It's all of the stuff that happens before.
And because of the gap I now have, those things are easier than they were before, but it's not fixed. But I get longer before the meltdown now. So that's How Do You Cope, with me, John Robbins. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I'm Alice Levine. And I'm Matt Ford, and we're the hosts of British Scandal. Yes, and you need to strap in for our next series, The Salisbury Poisonings.
Key ingredients, a botched assassination, a military-grade nerve agent and an innocent lad's trip to the world-famous Salisbury Cathedral. Who can forget? Seven years ago, former Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter... were poisoned by two Putin goons right here on British soil.
Cue a British city on lockdown, one of the single most bizarre TV interviews in British scandal history, and a game of diplomatic cat and mouse between then Prime Minister Theresa May and still Russian President Vladimir Putin. We often say that when we look back, scandals are just plain weirder than we remember. This is definitely one of those times. Follow British Scandal wherever you listen to podcasts and binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery+. Hi, Luke.
Hi, that's right. Can you guys hear me? Oh, wonderful. It's like you're about to land an airplane. That's what I'm going for. Yes, it's working. Tell me why you have this headset. Are you a gamer? I am a gamer and I am recording this from a job site and I just didn't want to rely.
on my laptop's audio. We appreciate that greatly. You're going by a pseudonym. Are we allowed to know what state you're in? Yeah, that's totally fine. I'm in Bozeman, Montana. Oh, okay. Wonderful. That's a beautiful place to be. It's gorgeous. We had a blizzard yesterday. Mountains are still full of snow. A blizzard. Full on blizzard driving home last night. Wow. Do you like that? I don't love the snow.
but I don't hate it. When it's unexpected is when it's the worst. Right, which I imagine yesterday was unexpected. Absolutely. You guys have the same thing we had in Michigan where it's like you have a fake spring and you get excited and then all of a sudden it just fucking turns to winter in May and you're like, fuck this place. place that's exactly what yesterday was yeah it was like 75 80 degrees over the weekend oh my god
Hard snow yesterday, accidents on my drive home. It was pretty rough. Those climates, they're backstabbers. Yeah, they're tricky. Yeah, they'll fool you. Did you grow up in Montana? I actually grew up in the Seattle area. Oh, okay. So you have a cruise. That's right. This was for my wife and I's honeymoon. And shortly before the cruise, as newlyweds tend to do, we fooled around a lot. During some of this fooling around, I ended up with a little bit of chafing.
My dick. Just say it. And that's a red burn on your dick. That's what it was. Don't need to sugarcoat it. Yeah, yeah. He was about to say penis. And he's like, no, I'm already talking about chafing. It's a dick chafing. That's the way the story is going to go. So fast forward.
were like on day two of the cruise. Can I pause you, Luke? I just want to regale for a second. That brings me back to my youth. Your fecundity rate was so high that you would actually damage the skin. I mean, that's for the youthful.
Absolutely. Happy that those days are long gone for me, for sure. So we're on the cruise. It's day two. It's a day at sea. So there's really not a lot going on. Where's the cruise going to? Is it a Caribbean cruise? We're going to Alaska. Oh, OK. I go to take a shower.
And if you've ever been on a cruise before, the bathrooms are tiny. I mean, you stand in the middle and you can touch all four walls just reaching out. So as you can imagine, the shower is equally tiny. And in this shower, they give you a wand. to get to those hard to reach places. Oh my God. Like you can pull it off the wall. Oh, I see. Right. A shower wand.
Well, I'm going to shower and I'm thinking I want to get myself as clean as possible. I want this wound to heal up as quickly as it can because, you know, I've got to perform on my honeymoon. Yeah, you got to get back to it. Back in the saddle. I'm cleaning myself up. And I have this great idea. I'm going to clean that area specifically. So I pull myself a little tight down there and I spray the wand on it. The water pressure from the wand.
Hits right on this rug burn spot and immediately starts gushing blood. Oh, my God. You've opened up the wound. Yeah, and it's right on a vein. I'm talking a little bit of blood. I'm talking imagine you're peeing, but it is solid red. I mean, it is just a pressurized bead of red coming out of my dick. It's like punctured the vein. Punctured. What? Wow.
God, these penises are so fragile. They can take a beating, but you push them too hard, they will give. Wow. They will give, yes. And I am aghast. I don't know what to do. Honestly, my first thought, embarrassingly, is... My wife doesn't need to know about this. She already knows I'm wounded down there. So if I can just get the bleeding to stop.
She doesn't need to know about this. We'll just move on with life. Okay. This is where we're different. We were in line so far, but now I would be so excited to call her in like, holy shit, look at this, you know. And it gets there. Okay, okay. So I go grab a massive wad of toilet paper. I mean, I'm talking 30 sheets at least. And I go to stick it under there.
It turns into a mushy mess of nothing in seconds. Oh, my God. This is scary. You're losing some considerable blood here. Exactly. And so now I'm panicked. So now it's time to call the wife in and tell her I'm having an emergency. I'm having an emergency. I call her and she walks in and it looks like a war zone. I mean, there's blood all over the walls. It's everywhere. She handles it well. She goes and she calls the... crew site nurse team.
She calls the nurse team down and this little nurse comes in and same thing. She opens the door. She looks at me and she just has this look of horror when she looks into this bathroom. She gives me a one inch thick stack of that heavy duty.
gauze that's designed to stop bleeding. She says, put this on there, apply pressure. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get a wheelchair, some more supplies. We'll wheel you down to the infirmary. She's gone maybe just a few minutes. By the time she has come back, I have bled through this stack of gauze. There's literally blood dripping out the bottom.
Luke, at any moment, are you considering a tourniquet? Based off the area of the injury, I am trying to avoid that as much as I can. And so she has me throw that away. She hands me a new stack of gauze. Tells me to apply pressure again. I've put a shirt on. I'm on the wheelchair.
And they're wheeling me down to the infirmary. Any pants? Surprisingly, basically no pain. Oh. No, no, no. No pants. Pants. Pants. No pants. Just a towel covering my leg. Oh, okay. But you are covered at least with a towel. But it is awkward.
You're going through the halls of this cruise ship and there's all these people looking at you. At first glance, they really have no idea what's wrong, but I'm sitting there just freaking the hell out. And you bear like, there's nothing I would want to see more than that. A man in his t-shirt and no pants. hands on with a towel over his groin. It's a scene. I wish the story ended there. So she wheels me down to the infirmary.
And luckily, by this point, I got about three quarters of the way through the second thing of gauze and the bleeding has stopped. The doctor on site is taking a look at this injury. Of course, it's a girl doctor, too. But I've got no shame. What am I going to do at this point? But she looks at it and she says.
We've got to close this. It could reopen at any point. You're going to be right in the same situation. And so she says, well, I'd like to just use a stitch. But on this part of your body, it's very prone to expansion and contraction. So we don't want to use a stitch. So what we're going to use is a chemical cauterization glue. Not exactly. Chemical cauterization is they apply...
two inert chemicals to your body. Chemical A doesn't do anything by itself. Chemical B doesn't do anything by itself. But when they come in contact with each other... It melts your skin back together. Oh, and like cauterizes? It's like a chemical cauterizing? That's what he said. Literally what he said. He said that? Oh. That's the exact phrase he used. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I missed the cauterizing. No, you're good. She lays me back on the table. There's no anesthetic.
And she gives me a rubber stick. To bite onto. Oh my. And I would be wondering, is this a disposable or many people bitten down on this rubber stick? I was kind of under the impression that many people have bitten down on this rubber stick before. It was definitely like in the top shelf of the supplies, you know, like, oh, we need this every day. And so she does that, has me grab my wife's hand and. I'm telling you guys, I bet my screams are still.
reverberating through that cruise ship i can't begin to describe the amount of pain that having your dick skin burned back together feels like oh my god oh i wish this on no one Oh, I know. And also I want to see video of this entire thing from beginning to cauterization. I wish it existed. Once it's cauterized, does she say to you, like, don't use this thing for a while?
More or less, yeah, she said no sexual activity for a couple weeks. Obviously, it's going to kind of expand on its own every once in a while. There's not a lot you can do about that. Try not to look at any pretty ladies. Yeah, and you're on a cruise. Tell your new wife to keep her clothes on. cruise to Alaska, not a lot of women in bikinis, but.
Still something to concern yourself with. Those bald eagles, though, they can get things moving. Oh, they get you excited, don't they? What a sight to see. I thought you were making a euphemism for vagina. Oh, that could also, yeah. I like that euphemism. It healed well. I had no... lingering injuries, a little bit of scarring, but you'd have to know what you were looking for.
Wow. You reversed the wife who's had a baby. That's what I was thinking when she had to hold his hand. More just like wife has a baby and then there's a window where wife can't have sex. Oh. But in this case, they're like married and then he has. an issue and then they're now waiting and they're newlyweds they're very horny 100 oh that's great what a memorable honeymoon
Yeah, and that's what I always tell people. I've told this story to people over the years. And, you know, if it wasn't exciting, you wouldn't remember it. Oh, Luke, that's fantastic. What a great story. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope it makes it onto the episode. Oh, it will. Don't you worry. You can bet your scarred dick. While I still got a second, I'm just going to shout out my good buddy, Casey, who got me into your show.
And encouraged me to share my story. Oh, Casey, big shout out. Shout out. I'm so glad he did. That's a doozy. That's a good one. That's a keeper. A few weeks ago, he sent the link. He was like, crew stories. Well, thank Casey on our behalf. I most certainly will. All right. Take care, Luke. Have a great day.
I'm Afua Hirsch. I'm Peter Frankopan. And in our podcast, Legacy, we explore the lives of some of the biggest characters in history. This season, we are telling the story of one of the most extraordinary women ever to have lived. The OG... of girl power, the maid of Orléans, Joan of Arc. She did things no woman has ever done, and eventually she was made a saint, all without making it to the age of 20.
What do you reckon, Afwa? Are you looking forward to Joan of Arc? This is one of my favorites that we've done, Peter. I'm so intrigued and fascinated by people in general who have a strong sense of mission and calling. And then when you add a kind of supernatural element to that, I just...
can't resist this story throw in the war to end all wars the hundred years war it's got kings it's got saints it's got the battle of Agincourt if you wanted a box set that's amazon prime ready it's got everything you possibly want follow legacy now wherever you get your podcasts. Or binge entire seasons early and ad-free on Wondery+.
This is Nick. And this is Jack. We're best friends, ex-finance guys, and resident 90s experts. And every week on our podcast, The Best Idea Yet, we're bringing you the untold stories behind your favorite products. For instance, can you guess which billion-dollar...
fashion company went viral thanks to a rhinestone covered tracksuit? Or which cartoon turned four turtles into a global toy empire by accident? It started as a joke. Last one, which cold beverage was so hated by Starbucks they actually ended up acquiring?
Spoiler, the Frappuccino. Howard Schultz apparently thought cold coffee was super lame and then he bought it. From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Juicy Couture to the Orange Mocha Frappuccino. Join us every week to learn how your favorite things got. made. Follow The Best Idea Yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. And you can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+. And if this podcast lasts longer than 45 minutes, call your doctor.
Hello history fans, I'm Ellis James. I'm Tom Crane. And I'm Chris Skull. And we're the hosts of Oh What A Time, the history podcast which tries to answer the question, was the past as horrific as it seems? Each week we tackle a brand new subject from life in... Nelson's Navy to death in ancient Rome. From maniacal monarchs to Soviet spies to the history of milk.
And we ask the questions other history shows are too chicken to. How would you feel about consummating your marriage in front of your in-laws in medieval Britain? No thanks. How would your puny little arms fare as part of the crew on a Viking longboat? And would you be up for a night out to see a sapient pig in Victorian London? This is Oh What a Time, the podcast that the Times newspaper described as very funny.
if less scholarly than its rivals, probably fair. This podcast is guaranteed to make your life better by reminding you that things in the past were so much worse. That's all the time available every Monday and Tuesday on Wondery with two bonus episodes. every month on Wondery+. Are you going to leave the room to make this call? Our next call is Monica.
Yeah, I'm calling in. Oh, Monica's calling. I have a lot of cruise ship stories. I could have submitted many different things. I've been on so many cruises. I haven't been on one. You haven't been on a single cruise? I feel like your parents would have loved that. They go now. Well, they do. Hello, Monica. Hi. Don't show me much of this car. I always try to impress Monica. I'm going to go with Chrysler Pacifica.
You're wrong. I'm sorry. Fuck. It is a Honda Pilot. Oh, okay. Monty had a, did you have a pilot? No, CRV. CRV. So sorry, Monica, that I'm not in like a cushy closet somewhere. I'm actually at my daughter's track meet. Oh, God. I hope she doesn't come up to the blocks while we're talking. If you hear like shots, I'm not in some dangerous.
Neighborhood. What's her event? Well, she just finished high jump. Oh, I was a high jumper. Is she tall? She is tall for her age. She's only 12. I have a question for you. I was getting a massage. recently this was weird in the middle of the massage the massage therapist said Can I ask you something personal? And this was while she was mid-massage. And I said, sure. That's a scary question. I know. And she said, do you like being called Monica? I was like, yeah.
And she was like, because my name is Monica and I love it. Every Monica I meet is just so great. And I was like, yeah, it's a great name. It really caught me off guard. And would you have liked that? Yeah, it would have caught me off guard too. I've never had like a nickname or nobody's ever shortened it. No one calls you Monty or Mom. No. Oh, wow. We just had this conversation about nicknames. Monica's many nicknames. Uh-huh.
But I would agree. I'm going to say that Monica's over index in good folks. I like all the Monica's I know. Except this one that stops in the middle of a mess. No, I might like her too. Okay, she was nice. Yeah, she has a boundary issue, which I like. Yeah, you love that. Okay. See, so you have a crazy cruise ship story. I do. So I'll give you just a little bit of background. So I grew up, I was a teen in the mid to late 90s. So peak.
boy band scene and I was a huge fan of the Backstreet Boys. Oh, me too. That was my boy band of choice. I had their posters all over my walls. I bought their CDs on the day that they came out. Did you have a favorite Backstreet Boy? I did. Brian Luttrell. Yeah, Brian was everyone's fave. He was the number one. He was my fave too. Are you going to see them at the Sphere? You should.
Maybe when we get to the end of the story. Okay. Okay. All right. No, I probably won't be seeing them this year, but it's going to be an amazing show. Are you going to see them, Monica? I don't think so. I'm kind of scared of them. You should. So anyways, huge fan. Fast forward the year's 2011. And I'm a newly married woman, working young woman. scrolling Facebook and I come across this ad from Ticketmaster that they're doing this sweepstakes giveaway. And it's a trip for two, all expenses paid.
on a cruise with the Backstreet Boys. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's like a three night, four... day cruise to the bahamas and you also get to meet the backstreet boys oh wow and you still like them in 2011 yeah i mean i wasn't teenage obsessed no posters anymore the nostalgia i was like oh yeah i would go on a backstreet boys cruise
Yeah, great. Yeah. So I put my name in and kind of forgot about it because it had been a while. And I get this email from Ticketmaster and I knew before I even opened the email. I was like, I won that cruise. Yeah. I opened the email and yes, I had won. And they had like a short turnaround. You had to tell them within 24 hours who was going, the names of the passengers. flight information all that oh this is exciting yeah it is very exciting my first thought is like
I don't think my husband is the right person to take on this. I love my husband, but he's not really the boy band type. And this seems like a girl's trip. He agreed. And so I immediately call one of my childhood best friends, Nicole, and I tell her, Nicole's always game for a good time. And so she was like, yes, let's do it.
She was living out of state at the time. So we meet up in the airport. We fly to Miami. I should say that at this point, I had never been on a cruise before in my life. Nicole had been on a few cruises before. So that was kind of helpful to have her hints and tips. The trip was hotel was included. So we're there the night before the cruise and we decide we're going to hit the town. And this is in December.
So I live in the Midwest. I'm leaving cold winter temperatures heading to Miami. I've got tourists written all over my face. I got my spray tan. I packed my little halter dresses. I'm ready for some. warm weather. So we hit some bars and we go to this daiquiri bar where we get served these daiquiris that are huge, like as big as our heads. We're sitting there enjoying ourselves and this man comes up to our table, very sharp dressed man.
with two shots in each hand. He has very strong accent. And I kind of make out that he's one of the owners of the establishment. He's checking to see if we're having a good time and wanted to give us these complimentary shots for our daiquiris. just dumps them right in.
Oh, I'm very scared. He walks away and we're both kind of like, well, that was kind of weird. And so I proceed to take a couple of drinks at the time. And I don't know, maybe Miami is still this way. You can take your drinks in and out. bars, like you could walk out with an open container. So we decide, okay, we're going to take these daiquiris with us and leave because we were weirded out by that guy. So we leave. And a little while later, Nicole is like,
I don't think we should be drinking these. Good, Nicole. Yeah. So we throw them away, but apparently I must have drank a little more than Nicole had because it hits me very fast. Pretty sure I had been roofied. No. Oh my God. So the rest of the evening is kind of from. Nicole's relaying the message to me, but she could tell that I was going downhill very quickly. I was slurring. I was falling all over the place. So she got me into a cab. This is pre Uber. We were heading back to the hotel and I.
threw up all over in the back seat of the cab. And so the cab driver's obviously pissed and wants to kick us out. She doesn't even know where we're at. pleads with him to keep us in the car and get us to the hotel and agrees to give him a really good tip. So we get back to the hotel. And Nicole tells me she basically had to like drag me back to the room. I'm sure the surveillance footage looks like some murder documentary or something, but she gets me back to the room.
She helped shower me up and shower all the puke out of my hair and gets me cleaned up. And in the next morning, wake up, feel obviously pretty terrible. And we overslept, nearly missed. the ship departure. They're just in time. We get on the ship. We head to our cabin and we're kind of walking down the halls and everybody's got their doors all decorated with Backstreet Boys stuff. And this is kind of lifting my spirits. I'm shaking off that night before getting in a better mood.
go to the kickoff party that's going to be on the pool deck. I'm starting to feel better. And I'm like, OK, hair of the dog. I'm going to get another drink. Yeah. So I get a drink and we're waiting. And the Backstreet Boys come out and make their first big appearance. And everybody goes crazy. We have a good time. Do they perform right away or they're just waving and saying hi?
They're just saying hi, basically. Then the ship takes off. And so things are moving, getting started. And I started to notice that... you know i can feel the motion and normally people tell you on cruise ships oh you can't even tell you're moving well i could feel the movement and so i tell nicole like i'm already just not feeling the best and
She was giving me all these pointers, like, let's take some Dralamine. Let's dip on some ginger ale. Let's do this and that. And so I was trying it. And she said, well, whatever you do, just don't go lay down. Because as soon as you lay down, you're done. You won't get back up. Oh God.
And I was like, okay. Nicole's a pro at everything. Yeah. The name of this story should be Nicole Was Right. Oh, no. The next event for the night is the Backstreet Boys are going to be doing this game show thing in one of the theaters. And so we had to go to this theater and we're walking down the hallway. And I mean, you can just see the hallway moving side to side. This is why I don't want to go on a cruise.
People are trying to walk down this hall. And thank God there were these handrails going down the hallway. Because you had to hold on to these handrails or you would fall over. It was rocking so bad. It's like triangle sadness. Yeah, it really is. For the listener, Monica's getting a little sick right now. Just remembering it. I can totally see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see that you're hanging on by a thread already. It was terrible. And so we go into the theater.
And I'm seeing a lot of women are just getting up and leaving. And I'm seeing women coming back with all these doggy bag, like vomit bags. Oh my God. And people are getting sick in this theater and I can't take it anymore. So I run out of the theater. I run to the bathroom. The bathroom is full of all these women getting sick.
I also love there's no men on this crew. It's just all women. It's true. They should have let the women use the men's bathroom for this crew. But there were like crew members in the hallway handing out these doggy bags. I got sick and I told Nicole, I can't do it. I've got to go back to the room. Oh, I go back to the room and I laid down and Nicole was right. I could not get up.
It was like I was just glued to that bed. I was so bummed because that night there was supposed to be like this 80s party. So I was stuck in bed and somehow managed to like get some sleep that night. And then the next morning. Woke up, felt so much better. And I realized it was because we had docked. We were in the Bahamas. Oh my God. But this was the big day that I got to meet the Backstreet Boys. We went to go watch their soundcheck for a while because one night they did a call.
concert on shore or on the boat they did do an appearance on the beach but the concert was on the boat so we went to the sound check and then got to do the meet and greet which was Really fast. And I was given strict instructions. Only shake their hands. Do not hug them. Just say hello and take your picture and get off the stage. No kissing. Yeah. And I can just tell when I went up on that stage, the look on. Nick Carter's face.
was just like, he was terrified. He was waiting for me to just like pounce on him. I felt so bad. This is what these men endure all the time. I got to meet them. That was exciting. And I'd spent the day on the beach. And then that night we started to head back to Miami and it was like all over again. I just could not wait to get off of this ship. And I'm so glad.
that the trip was paid for because if I would have paid for this cruise and I was vomiting the whole time oh my god and Nicole was fine did Nicole have a good time great time she sounds like if anyone on the ship might have hooked up with one of the backstreet boys would have been nicole she probably could have because she went to the casino one night when i was like throwing up and she was at the roulette table with one of them oh
So that's my terrible slash awesome cruise story. Listen, A, this story is fantastic, but you're just so funny. Oh, thank you. Can I do a quick shout out? Yes. Okay. Well, obviously shout out, Nicole. Yeah, number one. Thank you for being such an amazing friend. And shout out to my husband. Sorry you weren't able to come along for these shenanigans. You mean you're fucking welcome. Yes, thank God. Yeah, and shout out to my two sisters. One is an armchair.
and one was a huge fan of parenthood. What are their names? Megan and Molly. Megan and Molly. MMMM. It was really hard for my grandma. Oh, I fuck up my kids' names all the time, and they're drastically different. Wow. Well, I'm sorry that happened, but that was a delight to hear about. Yeah, that was so fun. Thank you so much, Monica. Thank you. It was so awesome meeting you guys. Take care. Wish your daughter victory in this high jump.
Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye. I love her. I love them. She reminds me so much of my cousins, Mandy and Kelly. Yeah, same kind of storyteller. I wonder. Nowadays, if everyone just goes on cruise ships with Zofran, is Zofran the same as Dramamine? Could you take both? Yeah, I don't know what the mechanism for either of them is.
But Zofran should have an actual cruise line. It really should. Yeah, and they should sail into the choppiest waters. Have you seen any footage of these fucking cruises down to Antarctica? No. None of those have popped up on your Instagram. The water's fucking crashing over the whole front of the boat. They've got like a glass thing where you can, people are falling down and breaking shit. Yeah, it's nuts. Yeah. I also, when we went to Napa, the first.
thing we did was we went to this winery and it was up a very very curvy yeah and you Zofran I Zofran and thank god because i still felt awful you did even with it and if i hadn't had it it would have been like that cruise oh my god it was so funny everyone's got Barf bags with the Backstreet Boys. If you're the Backstreet Boys and you're up there and everyone's just puking. And are they not puking? Right. Oh, boy. All right. Love you. Love you.
Do you want to sing a tune or something? No, a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song. for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions. I'm a flyer, Ryan Fish. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey. I'm John Robbins and on my podcast, I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, how do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength in failure.
Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what it means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments, Join me on How Do You Cope? Follow now wherever you get your podcasts, or listen to episodes early and ad-free on Wondery+. How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life.
with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditations, and motivational series.