Armchair Anonymous: Cooking Disaster II

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepherd, and I'm joined by Randall Padman. Hello. Today we have Cooking Disaster Story. What do we say? Warning alert? Trigger a warning. Oh, trigger? If you hate burning, this is not the episode for you. Don't listen to this one. I'll skip it. Please enjoy cooking disaster. We are supported by Quint. I love Quinn.

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Hi. Where are you? I think you may know the town that I'm from, Brevard, North Carolina, west of Asheville. Oh. Oh, I bet I've ridden through there. The land of waterfalls. Wait, is that where Looking Glass Falls is? Yep, sure is. About ten minutes from where I'm at right now. Oh lovely. We were just there. Yeah, you've given some good shout outs to the area. We appreciate it. Okay, so you have a cooking disaster story.

I do, yeah. So this happened about three years ago in March. Our daughter at the time was turning three and my wife was about eight months pregnant. And she was going through a big pancake phase. And so we thought we're gonna throw her a pancake brunch. Nice. And we'll invite some family and friends over, which seemed like a great idea. It was a great idea.

She likes straight flapjacks or she likes chocolate chip? What was her jam? The weird thing is she doesn't like syrup. Still we can't get her to eat syrup, but she loves a pancake, chocolate chips or Fruit. Keep her off the syrup. If she don't want it, that's great. It's her one excuse to be able to eat a sweet, and she's like, Nope. Oh yeah. Day off.

Everything's going to plan. Pretty much everything's done. The family arrives. Surprisingly going off without a hitch. And can I ask quickly like a mechanical question? If you put a big flat top grilling surface on something, what are we cooking on? Yeah, we're cooking on a griddle.

primarily. And then we're in our kitchen. So we've got a stove. And so I decided I'm gonna do some bacon and I'll cook it in a sheet pan, sort of in bulk, which I wouldn't normally do. Being from the South, we make breakfast all the time. I grew up in a family where

Biscuits and gravy every weekend. Oh yeah. Wow. Jealous. No problem with cooking a great breakfast, but on this day, obviously there's more people showing up, probably about twenty people or so, kids, family. And so I thought, okay, I'm gonna Put this bacon in a sheet pan and cook it in bulk and that'll be the quickest way to get the job done. How much bacon are we talking in pounds?

Probably two pounds, three pounds maybe. Not a crazy amount, but enough to fill probably two sheet pans. We're almost to the point of everybody having their brunch, eating pancakes, the bacon is the last thing to kind of come out of the oven. And around that time the family shows up, kids are playing. It's a little bit of a compact kitchen. So, you know, my mother and mother-in-law are in the kitchen. Of course, they're like,

What can we do to help? Where does this go? Where does that go? And it just gets a little chaotic around family as it tends to do. So I go to reach for the bacon, open the oven, and I guess I'm just so focused. I pull it out probably a little quicker than I should. And Just ever so slightly tilted it back towards me. Entire pan of bacon grease just spills down my forearm. Oh fuck, I can feel that.

Obviously there's the initial shock reaction. Drop the pan immediately, kind of freak out a little bit. There actually wasn't a ton of pain, which is also maybe a little scarier than, you know, you don't really know what you've done in the moment. I rushed to the sink. start to rinse my arm off and this is where my wife swoops in to save the day. She's a nurse.

comes in handy on a lot of occasions. And so yeah, she's helps me get this thing washed off. And I think at the moment I'm trying to just keep as calm as possible. You know, there's kids around. I don't want to freak my daughter out and It sort of becomes evident what I've done almost immediately my arm starts to like blister and bubble up.

By this time my daughter finds out and of course she like runs over and I mean she's gonna have to be in healthcare like her mom because she's like immediately interested, not scared at all, not concerned, uh just like wants to know what's going on and she also shifts into Take care of dad mode. Oh so sweet. It is. Yeah. If you had a boy he would have been like, Oh, where's my baseball bat? He would have like run his little trucks over your arm. Totally.

I think Rob may have sent you a photo. Oh, he did, he did. Let's see. And we always wait before we f yeah, he wants me to do a full like a fly. That's horrible. Oh my god The first photo is where my arm sort of bubbled up immediately. We got it patched and taken care of essentially for the weekend until I could get to the doctor. Fortunately, the surgeon that works in our practice was there.

on that Monday or Tuesday and just had to scrape off the whole thing. It wasn't incredibly painful until that moment and that's sort of when it like really got Real, you know. Can I ask why they have to scrape it off? That's a terrible question for me to answer. Maybe the bacteria or something. I think that's essentially it. I'm really sad that the listener can't see it because what's so freaky about it and I've never seen a burn like this.

The burn has the drip marks. It looks like liquid the burn. You see this money on the right? It came up my wrist and wrapped around the wrist there around the thumb. Do you have a scar? Shockingly, it held up really well. I'll credit my wife for jumping into action quickly. We probably have pretty religious about putting ointment on it for six weeks. Of course my daughter wanted to help with that as well. So got a a nicer reminder every day to take care of your arm daddy.

Oh my. That's rough. For the listener, if you saw this. you would know to never Cook bacon ever again. Yeah, it was a little while before I decided to give that a go. I still haven't cooked bacon in a sheet pan. I mean, how is one supposed to remove that sheet pan with all that hot grease underneath? Were you wearing oven minutes?

I had a towel in my hand, which is par for the course. I'm kind of act first, the second kind of guy, unfortunately. Oh, I'm so lazy. I've used like paper towels on the counter. A dish towel is what the chefs do. They don't use oven mitts. But you have to really be a chef and you have to be confident in your skills. You do. I use oven bits. You do. Yeah. But you also like the decor of the oven. Yeah, they're cute.

The thing I live in the most fear of in these burn situations is when you hear people where the skin just rolls off. Yeah. I was a little nervous that was what I was in for. There's a few seconds that pass between when it happens and when you start to realize what you've actually done. I mean, it was rough, but it thankfully was not.

That sort of situation. This is a PSA because I would definitely try that. Like if I didn't hear the end of the story, I'd be like, Oh, that's a hat. Cook the bacon in the oven. Exactly. No, yeah, don't do it. Get it all done.

I was even thinking while you're telling us like, Oh, I'd even add a grate. I would add a little grate between the cookie sheet and the bacon so that it wouldn't be sitting in the oil. I think I did have a grate on the pan, which I thought that's a great idea. But obviously the grease is still in the pan. You know, underneath. Sure is. Oh boy, oh boy. Slowly and carefully remove and make sure it's level. So how old's baby now? She's almost six.

And baby number two almost three. Oh, congratulations. Another girl? Two girls. We wouldn't have it any other way. Now go get you a vasectomy'cause you don't want three. Well Yeah, already taken care of. Okay. Good job. Or just pour a little hot grease down there. That could also be the trick as well. Let's do it.

prompt accidental vasectomies. Unauthorized vasectomies. Not contribute to that one. Well thanks for sharing. Yeah Seth, it's lovely meeting you. This is great. Thank you guys so much. Would you mind if I Let my wife come say hey. We'd love to meet your wife. The nurse, we love nursing. We're gonna ask her some medical questions. Hello.

Hi. Oh, I'd be delighted if you were the nurse that walked in the room. Look how cheery she looks. Yeah. I have a question. Do you think I could maybe get my ears repierced even though it's gone rancid twice? It doesn't seem like a smart move. Oh ma'am. I would love to say yes as a girl. Like, heck yeah. But you know Okay. I trust you. What's your name? My name is Casey.

Casey, you know the old adage, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame. We're already at the shame on me part. The third would be like shame, I'm a fucking dum dum. No, that's like the third would be shame on Casey. That's why I asked. Well I mean Dax has already had to operate once. He did Once or twice. Well finger, ear always jewellery related. Yeah. How long have you been nursing? It would be almost thirteen years. You guys are the best.

Well I think one thing s forgot to mention was whenever the grease thing happened, you know, he's being very stoic. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. And I look over at him and he starts to turn that white yellow color. And I was like, No, you need to sit down. He's like, I'm fine. I was like, sit down and eat something. I probably handed him a pancake at that point. Small faint.

Pretty severe burn and let's pass out on top of all of it. Yeah. What if you passed out onto the sheep? Oh my god, face first. Oh my god. Oh Jesus. That was like a Mr. Bean movie or something. Well, thank you guys. It's lovely meeting you. Thanks. And I think we need to shout out Angie too. Angie's Seth's college friend who got us. Is arm cherries. Oh shout out and wearing a beautiful piece of my

He got me this for Christmas. I love it. Oh good job. I went to get him a shirt and went on the website and that's actually where we saw the prompt so I was like, this is perfect. Oh my god. Oh my god. Two birds. We're out of shirts, unfortunately. the point, but it's okay. I got one, so it's all that matters. We were sold out of shirts? Yeah, we sold out. Oh my gosh. But we might re up, so we'll keep you guys updated. What do you mean we might? We must.

Okay. All right. Lovely meeting you guys. Bye. Bye guys.

Do you think it's sad like they hand over their headphones to their partner and then they just have to sit and they like don't know what is being said and it's like I'm left out now. I do think that. I don't want to get in another round of technical difficulties, but I almost want to say like just pull your headphones out.

So that you guys can now just chat. Yeah, and we can all be in this together. Yeah, but we don't want to do that. We like when people are left out. Something to work through. It's too dangerous. Sarah Smile aw for me, Sarah If you wanna be free. Hi. All you got to do is say so. How annoyed are you? Or how much do you love Sarah's smile? Honestly, I've never heard that one before. A Hall and Oats?

I think you have probably. It's probably just not a good rendition that Dax is doing. That is that might be why I didn't know what you were singing. Sarah. And I know Sarah smile. Smile. Won't you smile a while for me, Sarah? I think it's'cause there's so much other band stuff going on in that in that accompanyment. I was in that movie, in that song. Acapella is tough. Well, especially when you're not a good singer.

Sarah, where are you? I am in the McDonald's garbage can. I am in London, Ontario. Oh my God! I literally was like, You're in a garbage can right now at McDonald's. What is happening? It's really funny you bring that up, Sarah, because I was just at my friend Kevin Zieger's house yesterday and he grew up about ten minutes, I think East of London, And his folks were in town for the holidays, and I got to tell him how I used to expel my rubbish over there in London.

And he was saying that London is a wild place. When you're young and you go downtown, you can have a real raucous time. Oh yeah. I went to university here and can confirm. So you have a cooking disaster? Yeah. Yes. So this would have been in the summer of twenty thirteen. I was dating my now husband's then boyfriend.

And we were about three hours apart. He was close to London and I was living in Toronto. So I was going to visit him for the weekend. He was living with his parents. His dad was gonna do a dinner. All his siblings were gonna be there. How long had you been dating? About eight months.

So this is a high stakes meaning. This is the time for you to put your best foot forward. A hundred percent. So the dad's making dinner and I'm like, Well, we should do dessert and so my husband says, Let's make lemon meringue pie. That's like a real specific suggestion, but sure. He just had a craving. No, it's just actually his favorite dessert.

Given the choice that's what he picks, which seems insane to me, but to each their own. So we're newly enough into this relationship that I just go along with it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let's m lemon meringue pie. I hate lemon meringue pie, but let's do it. Early dating's so misleading.'Cause you know, you wake up like two years later and you're like lemon meringue pie and you're like, I hate lemon meringue. Yeah, we're married. How long do you carry it along? Yeah, exactly.

So we go out, we get all the things to make this pie. I find my mother in law's pie plate, we're using the like refrigerated crust that you just roll out. We're preheating the oven in this like hundred year old farmhouse that doesn't have central air conditioning. So I've got the oven going, it's really hot in the kitchen, and I'm like, no problem, let's turn on the ceiling fan.

Up to this point in my life I've never operated a ceiling fan. So I reach up to pull the cord and the whole light fixture comes down. Oh my god. Oh Jesus, on your head? That's so scary. It landed on the pie plate and just sort of like bounced off of it. How big is this ceiling fan? Just the light fixer in the center came down from the fan. Okay, not the fan blades. No. So just the light fixer part came down and hit the pie plate vicinity. Nothing broke.

We put the light fixture back up, carry on making the pie, and there's nothing else memorable that happened during that dinner until we serve the pie. Uh oh. I have a terrible.

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So I'm serving the pie. This is it. This is the first time I've made anything for this family to consume. Quick question. How did it look visually? Did you guys feel like you nailed it? The pie looked great. Yeah, you're like, fuck yeah, time to show off. Yeah.

I've made a lemon meringue pie when I really should have been making chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So serving the pie, one piece, two piece, I get to the third piece and the pie does the thing where it flops over onto its side. And my mother in law says, It's really weird that it burnt like that. And I'm like, what? So I look at it and I'm like, oh, that is weird that it burnt because the bottom of the pie is speckled with burnt duck.

And so I lift up the whole pie plate and I look and I'm like, oh the whole pie is speckled with these burnt dots. And then I look a little bit closer and it's dead bugs. Hold on now, hold on. That's better. I didn't know. I know you were ill prepared. You were expecting glass, right? Yes. Me too. But this is so preferred, but not for you. No, I'd rather you'd rather eat glass. Cooked bugs. Dead bugs all in your Protein. Edible. Not sharp. No. This is a win, I think, given the situation.

That makes sense. So that thing had so many bugs in it probably. As light pictures do, and it just came down and we didn't check. And it's so much that they could see them all scattered about. And people had already eaten other three pieces? My youngest brother in law. as youngest brother in law's do had inhaled his piece of pie. Yeah. But he still maintains to this day that it was a great pie. Yeah, sure. I can't imagine this would diminish the taste at all. I would never be able to

Live knowing I ate all those bugs. I'd be like, serve it up. They're cooked. Ew. Now, did you think when you saw and you were like, Books that I should just make a book. Yeah. Oh, I think I spattered some Crisco at the bottom. Oh, you're so nice and honest. You're such a good armchery. I think I would have panicked in the moment and been like, oh no, you know what? The light fell. I'm nervous there's glass. Let's not eat it. But I knew that there wasn't glass.

Bugs were so far away in my mind. Yeah, the glass was a red herring. That's how it works. You're like so worried about an intestine. I would just be for some reason so much more embarrassed to serve a pie with bugs in it. Then a pie with glass in it. Really? Yeah. Even though one's potentially life threatening. I have to imagine there's someone like me at this party that's like, give me a piece.

No. I think they were just trying to follow my lead of like, oh my god, we can't eat this pie. There's bugs in this pie. Forget it. Never mind. Just we should all go home. Bug pie. Oh my god, that's so disappointing. My mother in law asked me I made pumpkin cookies about a year ago and she asked me for the recipe. And for the first time she'd ever asked me for the recipe I ever made for anything, and I was like, I've done it. It took me

Twelve years. Here we are. That's great. Did you add some bugs? I was gonna say you should have put random insects, presumably mosquitoes and moths. No, mosquitoes. Don't listen, Monica, but the reason I knew it was bugs is because I saw a wing. I hate the story. It's so funny. I don't mind. I know, I just I hate bugs and maggots.

This is kind of like maggots everywhere. But you got married and everything worked out. We have two kids. No butts are eating in our household. Actually that's not true. My oldest eats ants and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh my god. You have no need to stop.

Again, we're omnivores. We're totally fine and equipped to eat ants. I don't want to eat them. You ever watch the chimps eat the ants with or termites out of the line with a stick? I attempt to stop her, but she's three years old, so I don't stand a chance. You should do real ants on a log. Do you guys think that's on a log up in Canada? The celery and the peanut butter and could be raisins, but in this case. Okay. Can I just do a quick shout out to my two coworkers?

So my coworker Caroline got me into armchair expert and My coworker John has been along on the ride as we both discovered this podcast. Well, big thanks to her. She tripled our listenership in Ontario. Exactly. Good job. Oh, well, Sarah's so nice meeting you. Thank you. So nice to meet you too. And I promise, next time I drive through London, there will be no littering because I know better now. All right. Bye.

I sure love meeting these arm cherries. Here's Emma. I wish Allison Roman would have called in. I wish our Emma was submitting. She never has cooking disasters. She cooks perfectly.

Hi. Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Yeah, we got ya. Now did you have fun communicating with Emma as Emma? Yes, I did actually. Where are you? You seem like a city girl. Just right away I'm gonna say that. I'm in Honolulu, Hawaii. Oh, that's a city. How many people live in Honolulu?

I believe on island it's like a million people and then in the whole state it's like one point three. Last I checked. Wow. Okay. Like ninety percent of the Hawaiians are living on Oahu. I know you guys have vacationed here a couple of times. Love it. One of the best four seasons. Around. Yeah.

It's so good. Have you been to that little restaurant with the tiki torches that are burning? It's Italian. It's like outside. Yes, I have. I don't remember the name, but it's really good. And the four seasons on the big island in

And Kona is also really awesome. I keep hearing that maybe now that we're talking about it, they'll invite us. I think that might be the one that like charged me. I think you're talking about the rosewood. Oh, you're right. You're absolutely right. Good job. You're right. Thank you for saving the poor Captain.

So you know how I feel. And are you from there or did you move there? Born and raised in Honolulu, yes. I've lived other places, but my whole family's here, my husband's here, my husband's family's here. So it just makes sense to be here right now. Okay, great. Okay, so you have a cooking disaster story. So this story took place back in 2021 when my husband and I had just had our first baby girl. She was about six weeks old. Okay. She was one of those babies though that didn't like to sleep.

So we were really sleep deprived. And my husband was drinking coffee like a madman. So the cooking disaster takes place in the kitchen. I decided to make him coffee and at the time we were using a French press. Are you familiar with like how a French press would work? We are, but I think we should say for the listener how it works. Okay, so a French press is like a glass beaker of sorts and it has a little handle and you put ground coffee and you put boiling hot water into the French press.

And then it has a cover that you put on top of that boiling water with like a plunger on top. The beaker's probably about maybe eight inches and then the plunger goes up maybe another six to eight inches and you leave it unplunged while the coffee steep. And you plunge it when you're ready to drink that coffee. Yeah, and it's got a screen filter on the top. So as it goes down, it gets rid of all the grounds and leaves the yummy coffee.

Exactly. So I poured from the kettle the boiling hot water into the coffee. And then that coffee made its way over to we had at the time in the house we were living in this little breakfast nook and it was sitting on top of the table. I'm scared. You're about to hear some questionable parenting decisions, but I just want to tell you we were so deprived. Of course. Yeah.

We've learned our lessons. So that's just a little disclaimer. You had been a parent for all of forty-two days. Yeah, why do they let people just be parents with no training? I don't know. It was too Soon friend. My daughter used to sit on this little baby lounger. I won't say the brand, but it was like this little baby lounger pillow. And I went to go hand.

the baby on the baby laundry pillow, which you're not supposed to do. And then I handed her to my husband, who was gonna put her down next to him on this nice thick breakfast nook. bench that we had. Okay. As I was doing that, the bottom of the pillow Hit the top of the French press plunger, you know, over a foot tall. And the entire thing knocked over.

Toward my husband, glass shattered, with water, coffee grounds everywhere. Because my husband's like six feet tall, it landed right onto his dick thigh. Oh, thigh penis. Wait, wait, I missed the third thing. Was it balls? Balls. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Listen, we have photos and if we have a picture of your husband's burnt balls, I'm gonna be thrilled. Okay, so I didn't know the legality of sending that photo. I did send a picture to Emma who I think forwarded to Rob.

It's hiding his penis and balls, but you can see higher thing. Can we look But before we look, so this big ruckus happens. What I'm immediately afraid of is like we don't drop the baby because we've knocked something over. Okay, he didn't Drop the baby, which I think is the only thing we didn't write in the story. But the baby unfortunately also got splashed with water. Okay. Oh boiling water. And the baby is screaming louder than I've ever heard a baby scream in my life.

My husband put her down. He ran to the shower. Luckily he knew that you're not really supposed to put like ice water on a burn. You're supposed to put lukewarm water. So he went into the shower, he put the shower on lukewarm, and he was just standing there. The baby is screaming and I'm Obviously freaking out. Yeah. And there's broken glass everywhere. Broken glass everywhere, as Monica would say, it was scatty wampus.

You have catchphrases. No, no, you know what's so funny? I love that that's become mine'cause I got that from you. Yeah, and I got it from a gal at the Groundlings. Because really the word is catty wampus. Well But Jack says scatty, now I do and now it's mine. My life mission has been to replace Caddy Wampus with Scandy Wampus. I'm slowly working. And you're not wearing shoes, right? It's in the morning.

Shoes luckily I'm the only one who somehow came unscathed, but emotionally not because this baby was so sad. But luckily she was fine ultimately. Her burns were super, super minor and she was back in action one day. But my husband was not. So I went into the shower to take a look at him and it was like His skin was gone. The top layers of the skin had just shriveled up and disappeared and it was just red. Burger. Beefy burger.

Yeah. You can look at the picture whenever you want. Okay, let's do it. God, I'm bummed that there is one of the penis that I'm missing. Ew Holy fuck. Okay. Oh no. I know I bring this up way too often, but that great documentary, Hot Coffee. Yeah. You think like, Oh, why'd this woman sue over nothing? And this is what her thighs looked like. This is Horrific. Gang. It's his entire thigh. It's like knee to well, cockin' balls.

Oh my god, so his penis looked like that? Luckily, well, I don't know if it's luckily the majority of the burn, the worst part of the burn was on his thigh. But it was also the other areas which I can imagine felt terrible. Oh my God. It's also his whole thigh. It's not just like a small part. It's the Whole thing. No, if I saw this without you telling me what had happened, my guess would be that you had made a bucket of hot coffee.

You know, like a couple games. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't miss him at all. It was So bad. Okay, now this is inappropriate, but it's crossing my mind'cause it just happened to me. I had this catheter in and I was like so nervous I would get an erection over the three days that I had the catheter. Like I didn't know what was gonna happen if that happened.

Was he so paranoid he would get an erection with all that burnt skin? I didn't ask that, but I think he was so traumatized. I don't think that happened. He wasn't horrible that evening, but no, maybe he's but if you're in so much Maybe he blamed her and so Oh resentful enough. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. So the story's not over. Well, since the baby was still crying, I called my mother-in-law who lives really close. She zoomed over and she took him to the burn unit, the only burn unit on our island, which was smart of her to do. And he went into the emergency room.

I very naively thought that he'd be back the same day. I thought that they would put some bassitracin on it, wrap it up in gauze, and that he would come home, but that quickly became clear that that was not gonna happen. So they admitted him to the hospital for two reasons. He had second degree burns, which are the most painful because

You know, in the case of third degree burns, it actually burns the nerve cells and kills the nerve cells, and you don't feel it as much. Second degree burns is like The burn is so bad, but You can still feel it. They hooked him up to an IV drip of Fentanyl and morphine. No boners now. I was like, this guy's not gonna be trying to come home anytime soon. No, no, no. He's got he's got a six-week old baby at home. He's like, fucking, take your time, y'all.

Secondly, they were scared of infection because it was so large that if not cleaned properly every single day, that could be a really bad infection. go visit him at the hospital after one day, two days, three days. We've been together for like fifteen years. There's no jealousy left in our relationship. But when you go and your six weeks postpartum, your hormones are not balanced. He would be being sponge bathed by like two nurses.

Who looked like they had just graduated from nursing school. So an erection is in danger. You thought it was gonna be an easy peasy. You're right. I didn't see one. It was like day five, day six, and he was finally healing enough where we thought that he could come home, but unfortunately he got addicted to the fentanyl and morphine drip. Stop what? We needed to Slowly wean him off in order for them to feel like he could come home and not have withdrawals. Holy shit, this is a disaster.

It was such a disaster. They would wean him off slowly and he was having full withdrawal syndromes. He was waking up in puddles of sweat. After about eight days, they finally discharged him and then Well to come home. Like a ten thousand dollar hospital bill. And that was the last time we ever used a French press. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Peace out, French press. Oh no. This was Full blown disaster. Wow, wow, wow.

You know what's great is I'm glad you told the end of the story'cause it's like when you tell me he got hooked up to the fentanyl and morphine, I'm like, Mm, that sounds nice. But then I'm reminded like, Oh right, that detox, it ain't worth it. He still has quite a bit of recovery even when he moved h or when he moved home. When he returned from vacation. Oh my god. But he didn't have to have a skin graph or anything. That's a blessing. And honestly it look Perfect now. He made a full recovery.

That was five years ago now. We're about to have our third baby. Oh my gosh, you won't stop. That's great. Well after this we'll stop. Okay. It's time for him to return to that hospital and get a little snip-snip. Well, no, we're gonna do a prompt about accidental vasectomies. So like just see what happened. This could have been an accidental vasectomy if it had gone up a little higher.

Yeah, whatever they cut in my testicles. Yeah. Which is simple. They cut one thing. Yeah. And then you're good. Your vasteferin. No. Oh. Uh that's like your whole thing or whatever. In theory you could burn through that. Yeah, you could cauterize it. Is he a handsome man? He's so gorgeous. Yes, he is. You're a hot couple. Yeah, you're a hot coup. Well, they're a hot couple. And a pretty couple. Yes, and a pretty couple. And a hot.

Yeah, yeah. Well they're a hot coffee couple. Hot coffee. Well, this was fun. Thank you. For us and not him. Oh well of course. We survived and don't ever make the mistakes we made. Cautionary tale. If only we could sue McDonald's. No, get a couple mil. Sure, that would help things out, especially that ten thousand dollar bill.

I'm still an advocate for the French press. I generally only get it when I'm at a hotel, but if they offer it, I like it. Wait. When we were in India, remember you ordered a French press like eight times a day? Because the coffee I mean there's different types of coffee there, I guess. Like you just wanted a French press. So you would always call to the front and say, Can I get a French press? Literally every fourteen minutes.

Because I'm gonna be honest, the regular drip brew coffee was not choice. I don't know what the method the methodology was different somehow. It didn't taste the same for me. And you know what else happened? defend myself. The first hotel we were at had a French press. I know. And I was like, oh, this is probably the Indian way. Makes sense. I think the French press is English. I don't know. You probably got stuck with that. It sounds French.

Of course it's not English. It'd be called an English press. Exactly. Anywho Brit Press. Boy, I really enjoy talking to you. Emma, this was fun. Oh, this was so fun. Thank you so much for talking to me today. My due date is in a few days. So I'm glad. To go into labor and then I couldn't tell you the story. Wait, is it inappropriate for me to ask you a stand up? Because you do not look pregnant. Do you have a big belly? Let me see here.

Oh, okay. There it is. Well wishing you a very easy labor. I just want to thank you for doing what you guys do. I think you're changing lives with Thank you, Emma. All right.

Hi. Hello. You have my favorite shirt on. Really great station. Jen, where are you? I'm in the Bay Area. I'm like twenty-five minutes outside of San Francisco. But I grew up in Berkeley. Oh uh down the street. How did you end up up there? I moved up here for college and had every intention of going back to LA and then got a job and met my husband and I was like, I guess I'm staying so here we are, twenty Two years later. Did you go to Don Cucko's?

Girl, you know I do Oh I love Don Cuckoo's. I want it right now. What's Don Cuckoo's? Mexican restaurant in Burbank. Oh in Burbank. So good. I think there's like another location now, but they used to have this like really good Bean dip? Monica, did you ever have it? No. I know exactly what you guys are talking about. It's right by Bob's. Yes, near Bob's.

Yeah. I don't think they have it anymore. We were in LA last year and went there to get it'cause I like hyped it up to my kids. They didn't have it. Oh no, sad. What line of work are you in up there? Is it tech related? I am a dance teacher and a dancer. I run a program and have a small dance. Amazing. Okay, so you have a cooking disaster story. I have several, but this is the one I chose because it's

the gnarliest and I had photos to back it up. So I am a little bit of a clutch in the kitchen. Counterintuitive,'cause you're a dancer, I would think. Great balance and agility. On stage, in the studio, no problem. In the real world in life, not so much. Have you thought about hanging a dance bar in your kitchen? That might round you.

Well, during the pandemic when I was teaching online, my countertop was my dance bar and the side of my couch. So we've made it all west this year. So yeah, it happens May fifth, so Cinco de Mayo, twenty twenty. So it happened in this house downstairs. It was the beginning of COVID, no math. No vaccines. I think California as a whole was maybe still on lockdown. Like nobody knew what the fuck was going on. So I was like, let me be the cool mom, which I'm not.

and have like a big Cinco de Mayo dinner. I was gonna make tostadas and do all the things. Have fun. Don Cuckoo. I just should have been like, you know what? Forget it. We're ordering pizza. But I'm in the kitchen, everything's fine, my husband and I are in there and I don't even know how it happened. I pick up a bowl that had corn in it to like move it to the other counter so I could do stuff.

And in the blink of an eye, the bowl goes flying up in the air, comes down, smacks our counter, shatters. So there's like glass everywhere, there's corn everywhere. Two seconds later I look and there's blood everywhere. Yeah. registering that it's my butt and I'm totally shocked. Like, oh this corn was full of blood. I look. And in my wrist is a spear arrowhead shaped piece of the bowl kicking straight up. Oh my god. A shard. I'm in shock. My husband's like, oh fuck.

And I don't even think I just yank it out. Oh. Not good. You're not supposed to do that, I don't think. You're not. It was already bleeding and then it was like Bleeding. No. Would we use the verb spurting? Oh Yeah, she's doing a spurting move. It was like down the counter, on my clothes, on the wall. So I pull it out. The pain starts to set in and my husband like grabs my arm, puts it under the faucet, and there's other like pieces of bowl in my wrist. So we're like rinsing it out.

I'm screaming at this point. I think I said every expletive there is. My almost six year old comes in. He starts hysterically crying because I'm crying. Then my ten year old comes like everybody's crying and screaming and yelling and the dog's trying to like eat talking corn in a bowl. And glass. Yeah. He's rinsing out my wrist. Finally get it sort of cleared and you guys you could see my tendon.

No We have a picture of it. I want to see her send it. So I don't have a picture of that one, but the pictures I did send in are still gross. So Monica buckle up. But I didn't think to take a picture then'cause I was just like, oh shit. So we see the tendon and I'm like, This is fine. Everything's fine. We're gonna be fine.

So my husband's getting like every rag, bandage. I'm bleeding through everything. And he's like, You need to go to the hospital. And I was like, No, I'm fine. You know, it's COVID. You can't even just walk in to the doctors or the urgent care. I don't wanna bring my kids. I can't drive myself. And we went back and forth for like twenty minutes. I'm losing all this blood. We've gone through our whole emergency kit with like all the gauze, everything.

And so he's like, No, you need to go. So I call my friend, thinking she's gonna be on my side and be like, Girl, you're fine, stay home and I was like, Here's what happened She's like, You're an idiot, I'm coming to pick you up, Okay. So she pulls up. Now you guys, we had no masks, nothing, I hadn't seen her. We put on Painter's mask, bandana.

I think she had like gardening gloves on and I had cafeteria lunch lady plastic gloves on'cause it's all I could get over the bandages. Mm-hmm. I had to call urgent care first and be like, Can I come in? What's the protocol?

So I come in and I'm like bleeding everywhere and they're like, Here, let me take your temperature. Here, change your mouse, here, stand outside. I'm like, Can I get some fucking stitches please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally I get in to see the doctor and it was still wrapped, so she hadn't seen it yet. But she asked me what happened.

And she's like, Oh, this is the fifth kitchen accident I've This week. Oh, COVID. People are cooking. So she comes over and takes it all off and it starts gushing blood. Her face said every And she's like, Okay, it's really deep. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to close this. You might have to go to the hospital. And I was like, No, we gotta figure this out. She goes, Well.

You were less than a quarter inch from nicking your artery. So she tries to stitch me up, but it was so deep that the stitches just wouldn't work. So she finally gets I don't know, some like heavy duty stitches, gets them in. Finally stitches it up and she's like, Okay, you have to keep your arm like this for basically the next three days. So now you have to sleep. With my arm like this. I can't lift my kids. I can't do anything. It's just excruciating pain.

I'm bleeding through bandages for days. So she's like, come back in two weeks, it'll be fine. Two weeks. I know. I know. Either you'll be alive or dead. Yeah, yeah. So I come back. And I like knew something was of. It was hurting. Oh. And she's like, okay, it's not closed and it's maybe getting infected, but I can't take the stitches out. Cleans it up. Wraps me back up and then she's like, You need to go see an orthopedic risk Surgeon. And he's like, We need to operate today.

Oh my God. No. And so we go back and forth and I'm like, I'll call you tomorrow if I want to have surgery. I leave. I ultimately don't end up having surgery. I have friends who are a PT and an OT. And so OT specializes in hands. So he was helping me rehab it, but I w had to wait another couple weeks. to come back to get the stitches out. At this point they've been in longer than they should have. I think they were in for

five weeks total or something. I go in somehow I didn't even know this was medically possible. My skin had grown over the stitches. Oh, sure. Yeah. And my skin turned to like cement. It was the weirdest, grossest thing. There's a picture of that. So she's like, Okay, I have to cut him out.

we gotta take'em out. It was excruciating because the stitches at that point, they were like sticks. So they just kept snapping every time she was cutting them. It's not even fully closed, but she's like you can't keep these in. She finally gets them all out and she said, I don't think you're gonna get a hundred percent mobility and strength back. And I was like, Great, okay, fantastic.

So go home, it's healing. I'm doing the rehab exercises and it took probably another three months for the pain to go away and be able to like close my hand. I've never gotten a hundred percent strength or mobility back. Oh no. The scar, which is pretty small, you can't even like see it anymore, but the area around it is like numb. and tingly at the same time. I screwed up all the nerves in there.

It was really bad and that was my kitchen disaster. Oh my god. Okay, so now we're gonna look at the photos. Oh ew, ew, ew. Well that one looks like a smiley face. Still really Oh yeah, here's you guys in your ridiculous outfits. You definitely look like you're on your way to paint a house. The wrist for some reason really makes me feel really like Heeb jeebs. Heebies. It was very traumatic for my children.

And I'm careful in the kitchen, but I've had like five other accidents since I'm gonna ask a crazy follow up question. Were you on your period? When I did it? Yeah. I don't know. Cause my wife claims when she's on her period she has something called energy hands and it's things just fly up into the sky. Like you're describing. Like this bowl was in your hands and then it just took flight. It's a possibility. Do you do have any period clumsiness?

I think I do have some PMS there's a franticness that kinda starts like a manic off kilogy. Yeah, you're a little just off kilter. I'd like to blame it on that and not my clothes. But maybe you just had oil on the corn, olive oil. And some of the olive oil got on the bowl. You know, my husband was in there, so I think I'm just gonna blame it on him and be like this was your fault. He knocked you out. He must have tripped you a little bit. Yeah. It was crazy.

Enjoy those photos. Sorry that they're pretty gnarly. Since we started doing this, which I don't know how many years we've been doing Armchair Anonymous, but we have seen some photos. We have quadrupled the amount of insane photos I had seen prior in the forty five years before. It's true. Yeah. I've listened to every episode. I was re-traumatized by the rat in the water bottle. Last week I was like, oh my god, you guys. We were just talking about the rat.

The rat got It's gendered. It's really gendered in my anecdotal feedback. And how gross out they get. Yeah, like women are really fucking freaked. A I do think women carry water bottles more than men. I think that's why. And then maybe m women are afraid of mice more than men. I don't know. No, it's not about being afraid, it's about drinking a dead rat. No problem.

I remember how you were behaving during the episode. You were creep. Rob, roll the tape. Roll the tape. I didn't even see photos and just the visual in my head was sad about You've not had a stress free sip of water since that episode. And I didn't even like water to begin with. Well, Jen, thank you for that tasty story. Yeah, that was great. My pleasure. My husband and I have been listening forever to every show, every offshoot, everything.

And I just really appreciate the conversations and the honesty and the vulnerability around addiction. Next month my husband will be ten years sober. Fuck yeah. Congratulations to everyone. We've been together for almost twenty years now and the last ten obviously have been a lot of work and he's done a lot of work, but I just feel like him hearing some things from you, Dax, and things that you've shared. You guys have very similar journeys and experiences. And I've listened to day seven.

a handful of times and Having the perspective of Monica when you love an addict, it's really lonely and it's really scary. And you want to protect the person. So you don't really share a lot, or at least I didn't with a lot of people. And so having that episode in particular and just for years you guys talking about it has been more impactful than you know on both me and my husband. And I think it's Apropo that his ten year anniversary is in a few weeks and I get to talk to you guys.

Please tell him congrats from me. That's so mega man. Ten years is impossible. He's really mad that he can't be here. He is in San Diego for a work trip, but he told me to say hi. What's his name? His name is Justin. Oh, that's my favorite name. Have you ever heard me say that?

Yes I have. My cousin Justin who lives in the East Bay as well, who's the coolest dude I ever knew growing up. Maybe that's her husband. Oh my god, are you married to my cousin Justin LeBeau? You do not look like Leanne today. No, we're constantly annoy our kids.

One of us will say, hey y'all from like across the house. Oh, that's so cute. My kids are gonna lip out when they hear this because I didn't tell them I was doing this. What's their names? Let me shout them out. So my daughter is Stella and my son is Beckett.

Back at the end of the day, Stella and Beckett those solids. Guys, raise as much hell as you can. That's my advice. And they are. Don't worry. All right. Well take care, Jen. Wonderful meeting you. Thank you. You too. Have a good day, you guys. Bye bye.

Do you recall my brother's story? It was very similar to this one. We were out in the middle of fucking nowhere when my mom and dad were still married. So my brother couldn't have been more than eight'cause we left there when he was eight. All Coke and Pepsi was in these sixteen point nine ounce glass bottles and they came in an eight pack. Okay. And my mom was like unloading the car going back and forth from the driveway to the house.

And unbeknownst to her, David had decided to help and he had grabbed one of those eight packs of soda and he dropped it on the floor. And when she came in the house, he was lying on his back and she said the blood had spurted and hit the ceiling. My brother cut his artery as a little boy. Yeah. And we're in the middle of fucking nowhere. And she said the blood shot all the way up to the ceiling and so She or my dad turn a kid at it with Yeah.

six thousand miles an hour to get to the hospital and obviously he's alive, but he's always Oh my God, eah. Even if next time you see him, he has a crazy gnarly scar right across his artery. It looks for sure his whole life people That's a wonder. Yeah. It's hard to rough scar to Well, happy cooking. Everyone be careful out there. Be careful in the kitchen. I've had a lot of

knife injuries. Yes, you have. That are really, really, really, really, really bad. Very bad. And everyone needs to come over. All right. Love you.