Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepherd and I'm joined by Buck Rogers. Hello. Today we have crazy bar stories. Bars are very fertile ground. I mean nothing well, I shouldn't say nothing good happened. How people find their soulmates at bars. Yes. But alas, that's not these types of stories. You know, we have every version of depravity happening. So please enjoy crazy bar stories. Can you see me?

Oh, we can see you. We can hear you. What is this sound dampening you've put up? Are those trifold mattresses? What are those? No, it's a nugget. I don't know if you guys know what those are. It's for kids. You can basically make little Shapes for them to climb on. Each one is about eighteen inches thick. Oh and they're big cubes kinda. Fine. Oh wow. Where are you, Justin? I'm in central Wisconsin right now. When did you move there? I moved here about three years ago, I'd say. From where?

Minneapolis where the story takes place. Oh, okay. So you have a bar story. Please walk us through it. Alright, so to set the stage. This is back in December of twenty eighteen. I was working in downtown Minneapolis as uh heav security and was

head of security for about six months at the time at a bar. At that time it was more of like a college place where kids would come from the U of M and go parties. So it was pretty busy. You know, I broke up a lot of fights, literally almost daily. One time I had to go to the hospital due to another injury. Can I ask really quick two questions? How common is it to have to have a head of security? Is that just'cause it was a college town, do you think? Or is that common in Minneapolis?

It's pretty common. Oh, okay. And then second, how do you qualify for the job? Like what's the interview like? How are they determining whether or not you can handle your business? They've seen me before. Okay, great, great.

So one night at about two thirty in the morning after the bars close, me and one of my security guards we take one of the barricades And we're gonna go around the building to put it into the garage where we put all the barricades and heat lamps. I'm gonna go around the corner I see two men punching one woman. Oh my good oh boy, oh boy.

I hesitated for a second because I remember my boss constantly told us, Do not break up fights that are outside because liability issues. Only do it inside. But I'm not gonna let two men beat up a woman. So I dropped the barricade and I ran over there and tried to pull off one of the guys. He

Tried to punch me, but I was sober and he definitely was not. So I kind of just stepped back. He missed. I kicked him in the stomach and I punched him in the face and I pushed him over. My other security guard went over there and held him there for a minute. And then I turned to the other guy. He has a handful of her shirts.

just holding it and he's about to punch and he kind of looks my way and he sees me and he starts going towards me to punch. And I saw that coming, so I put my head down and he hit right on the top. So Yeah. Yeah, his hand's broken for sure. Definitely, yeah. After that he can let go of her. I punched him two more times. I used my left hand, I had him at the temple, and then I had him right below the notes. I also heard something Crap.

He goes down and he has blood everywhere and he's looking at me and I see that he's missing a tooth, so that was the crack. So I turn to the girl and I say, We should go and I'll never forget the way she looked at me. She turns to me and she has two swollen eyes. She's looking at me and she goes, I wanna stay here with my boyfriend. Awww That makes me so sad.

Yeah. I didn't quite know what to say to that. I felt really bad, but then I look over and I see my boss. He's outside the door and he's like, Get back in here, Justin, right now. I was told I was gonna go call the police, so I ran there and I get my phone, I called nine one one and I talked to them. And they said they were gonna come away. When I got off the phone, I looked out there and all three of them were gone.

So I had, you know, I had quite an adrenaline rush. So I couldn't really feel my body at the time. So one of my coworkers said, Hey, you're tripping blood off your hand. I look down and I have about a half-inch cut on my knuckle. And I'm like, oh great. So I go find the first aid kit, which was empty. And so I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna put some cold water this. Another coworker said, You should probably go to the hospital because getting saliva or something like that.

Yeah, you could go rancid. You could get that cat disease. So I I ended up going to H C M C which is a Hennepin County Medical Center. I got there, it was pretty busy and after about let's say an hour or so, I got to see a doctor. They washed it out for me a little bit and then they gave me Two different antibiotics'cause I'm allergic to amoxicillin. They nearly sent me home, but they drew a a circle on my hand.

And they said if it gets past this, you need to come back. Mm. I go home and go to sleep and I wake up at about eleven o'clock in the morning, I can feel my hand is throbbing and it it feels like I can feel my heart beat in it. It was pretty bad to say and look at it and the circle was down low, but the infection was high. Uh had gone up past your wrist? Yeah, only about eight hours after all that happened. Oh my god, what was he carrying? A rabies. She was drinking more alcohol.

Trip. Yeah. I decided to go back to the hospital and when I walked into the door, to the left was the emergency room, to the right was urchin care. So I was like, I'm gonna go to urgent care'cause the emergency room is packed right now. I walked in there and I talked to a nurse and she's getting you all my information and I told her I was there earlier today, technically.

She looks at my hand and she goes, Oh and she drops everything and she brings me into the emergency room and then I get to the top of the list. So I go in right away. When I see a doctor, he looks at it and he goes, Okay, you're probably gonna need surgery. What? Whoa. So they got me hooked up on IV antibiotics.

And a little bit later I had a surgeon come in and talk to me and he looks at it, he goes, Okay, so this is what we're gonna do and you know, we're gonna put you under you're probably gonna stay here for a night or two, about an hour later.

They bring me down to get surgery. I think the surgery is about an hour and a half when I woke up the surgeon was there and he was talking to me. He goes, You're very lucky that you came in when you did, because you could have had a finger or your hand amputated.

From how bad it was infected. So wait, they went in there and they actually had to like cut out the infection? I thought you were about to tell me they extracted the tooth from your hand. Oh my gosh. Oh my god, the dude's lodged in his hand and Oh, that would have been horrible. He probably swallowed it. Wait, yeah, so they cut out. Yeah, let's go. They cut it, it looks like an S sort of. Oh yeah, it looks real gross, like it's gonna pop with infection.

So the first one, then you have right if I got the circle on my hand. And then the other two were after the surgery. Did they tell you, do they like send tissue samples away and then tell you what the infec I mean, I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm so curious. I'm not sure. I didn't even ask that. It was very painful. As you can see in one of the pictures, it looks like they kind of forgot some of the gauze and they kept it in there, but that was kind of like a wick to get rid of.

Oh keep sucking up. Yeah. I saw it. Yeah. The most painful part was when they removed that. I thought it was just gonna be like, you know, half an inch. There is probably an inch and a half. Uh And he pulled it out quick, he goes this is gonna be a good thing. And did you examine it when it came out? I would really want to see what was happening on the It was very blessed. I call my boss after that.

And I told him, you know, I'm probably gonna be here for a few days. He asked me if it was gonna be workers comp and I said, Oh yeah, yeah, that'll be workers comp so he was pretty upset about that. So I returned to work about a week later. I was told to do a safety briefing. For uh all the security guards. This is how you break up a fight and this is where you break up a fight. Uh not outside. Well what were you gonna do? Not as your job, like as just a person.

Yeah. They were actually gonna fire me, but a few of my coworkers, female ones, said that they were gonna quit if they did that. Okay, now this willingness and appetite to get involved in chaos, I want to know how much the red hair plays into it. I don't know if you've ever heard my theories on redheads. Yeah.

I have a few rules you don't fight. You don't fight a guy at a stoplight who when he gets out he casually takes his shirt off. Like not to show up, but just he's ruined so many shirts that he's learned. Just move on, get back in your car. In general, a married guy at the bar, just don't mess with he's been holding a lot in. And then I don't care what size the redhead is, just keep it moving. I've seen a lot of little, little redheads in junior high and high school get the best of somebody.

My friends they'd say I ginger stamped. I also have martial arts experience. I got my black belt and karate and some stuff in the military too. So the entire thing from when I saw them to him going down, covering his mouth, was about ten seconds. Very fast. God, I wonder what was in his mouth. He had been eating someone that had flesh eating bacteria. Oh! Oh, I took down a zombie. Ha ha ha. How much longer did you have that job? Probably for another five or six months.

before that happened, I also had to go into the hospital due to a slight fracture in my elbow. There was guys I was trying to harass some of the waiters and waitresses and stuff like that and I tried to escort him out. He tried to punch me, so I put him in a rear naked choke. And right then I kind of you know fell forward and his weight and my weight landed on the tip of my elbow. You'd think I would have learned. Well again I don't know what you're supposed to do you walk upon that.

No, you got it's time to get down. Of course, I'm having a lot of envy listening to this. Yeah, I know you are. I loved it. Yeah. Yeah. Aaron ran a bar for ten years and he didn't have security. He was the security and the owner and the bartender.

Yeah, and he got to see a lot of action. I was always quite jealous. Well, Justin, I'm glad that there are people wired like you and I that would intervene in a situation like that. And then of course I'm heartbroken by the girl who wants to stay with the guy. So upsetting. But also, you know, there's a lot of stats around that. Like she would have been killed probably if she did not say that or do that. Like it's a really horrible situation. I don't have any answers. But it's yeah.

ترجمة نانسي قنقر A boy. My significant other Sarah. She was supposed to be here to watch her son while I was doing this, but I got the times wrong. I forgot it was Pacific time. Oh sure. Central time. She's the one that told me to submit it. She's the one that got me to start listening years ago. And I think Monica would really like her because you guys have a very similar personality, but she's also a physical therapist. Oh I love her. I just add her to my P T collection. PT Club. Yeah.

The two other people would be our friends, Amber and Ethan. They're the ones that got us to start listening to your podcast. Oh thank you, Amber and Ethan. Yeah. We appreciate all of them. Converting people, Amber and Ethan. I have a lot of people who are gonna start listing'cause I was like, I'm gonna be on there Oh, fun. Well it's great meeting you, Justin. It was good meeting you too. Congrats on your family. I'm happy for Thank you. All right.

Bye. Are you so happy we have such a tough listener? Yeah, but also so sweet. Could you hear his sweetness? That's what I love. I doubt he's starting a lot of fights, but he's he's finishing them when they need finishing.

Hello, hi is this Casey? Casey. Nice to meet you. Casey, where are you? Dax, I know you like to guess, so maybe you want to take a guess from my accent? Here's what's gonna happen. I already know what I'm down to. It's just down to two. I know if I get it wrong, both parties would be very offended. But I'm going New Zealand on this one. Me too. I'm in South Africa. No, I triple wrong. Who's offended now? Everyone. It's pretty close, it gets mistaken now and then anyways.

What city are you in down there? Johannesburg. Okay, what's the vibe in Johannesburg? I've never been. Have you been to Cape Town? No, I've only been to Tanzania and Kenya and Uganda. Town's beautiful as well. But Johannesburg is way friendlier. Okay, and so you've got a bar story. Yeah, so let me set the scene. I was in my early twenties, like nineteen, twenty, thereabouts. What's the drinking age down there?

Eighteen. By the time we're twenty one, we're veterans. I'd moved up to Johannesburg probably like a year before that from my hometown in George, very small coastal town. So small city to a big city, getting used to the vibe in Johannesburg. By this time I've got a nice group of friends and we're starting to go out and meet people and whatnot. The story starts off at a bride that's basically a barbecue. I I love starting something off with a barbecue. Right.

I went there with my cousin and I ended up meeting this couple there. Thought nothing of it. And a couple of weeks later or a couple of months later, I don't know exactly the time, I saw that the girl from this couple ended up being single and I decided to slide into the DM. Oh okay. After some time we ended up dating. So that's kind of like the precursor to the story. So after a few months of dating, we decided to go out one night. We went to Hooters. So we also have Hooters here.

I'm very happy to hear that you have hooters. Best fried chicken sandwich, I maintain that.

I enjoy their wings. Anyway, so leading up to this, the ex of hers was messaging me now and then on social media and not being very nice, let's say threatening me, but I thought nothing of it, blocked him, carried on with my life. We ended up at this bar and as I walk in, I turn a corner and I walk straight into this guy, like physically bump into him. And I

kind of taken aback and I move to the side and carry on walking to my table and we sit down, you know, think nothing of it. I forgot to mention this dude is super big compared to me. No words partways, so thought nothing of it, right? So anyway, sit down at our table and we're having a good night, having a couple of beers, ordering food, and I see this guy start moving closer to us and sits at a table adjacent from us. Oh boy. And he's like staring me down the entire time.

Is your girlfriend with you? Yeah. My girlfriend's with me. I've got a lifelong friend with me as well. And then Another guy friend of mine that's a pilot that was visiting, he flies for Doctors Without Borders in Afghanistan. But he's a British guy. So it's the four of us sitting at the table minding our own business. And every time I glance over to him, he's mouthing off making as if he's swearing at me. I can't tell what he's saying, but you know, you can see he's

So we notice this as a group and we decide maybe we need to get out of here. It starting to get a little sketchy.'Cause as we stand up to leave, him and his friends stand up to leave as well. We walk outside and he starts to try confront me. Now I'm more of a lover than a fighter, but I

Stand my ground. My girlfriend at the time comes in between us and kind of like pushes him back and tries to calm him down a bit. And he's getting more and more aggressive. The bouncers decided to step in at this point. The bouncers at Hooters and Johannesburg are massive. So The bouncer then put his arm around me and started to walk me to my car. Another one of this dude's friends arrived. So like it's

It's turning from two people into like four and then six, and then at some point there was like eight of them. Oh now the bouncer behind me is starting to get. obviously a little overwhelmed and the one that's walking me to my car is like, Okay, you need to leave now. Get in the car and go. Get in the car. The one female friend of mine, she got in the driver's seat and I was like, I don't think

You should drive, let me drive rather, just in case we need to like get away or something like that. I feel like I'm a more evasive driver, you know. This parking lot that Hooters is in it's like parking lot with parkades on either side, but there's one entry and exit. As we reverse out and we start going down this exit path, him and his entire group of friends block the road. Bye. So now I'm like, okay, now what? So he's standing in front of the car and he's

swearing at me and trying to intimidate me. The friend of mine in the back, the one that was visiting from Afghanistan, had his window rolled down and one of this dude's friends punched him through the window and ended up chipping his tooth. Oh boy. His famous quote from that is he spends his career in a war zone but comes back for one night in South Africa and gets

Uh-uh. This guy starts like pushing on the bonnet of the car, trying to stop the car. At this point, I've had enough. So I started to edge forwards. And as I moved forwards, he jumped onto the bonnet of the car and like smashed a massive hole in the wheel. काम फस्टरे He's lost it. I use pretty cray cray. So at this point I just flawed it and he kind of rolled off the car and we got home after that.

That's not where the story ends. Bye. Were police called? That's what I'm getting to. So we got home and the friend whose car it was went to go laid charges at the police station. The next day this guy contacted us and they were trying to like negotiate so that she would drop the charges and he would pay for the damages. But it turns out he was contacting us because he tried to charge me as well. So he also went to the police station and he tried to charge me with attempted murder. Oh my god.

Oh my lord. When he was charged with malicious damage to property. So we ended up getting contacted by a detective and now I'm super nervous, like my first run in with the law. I'm like, what's going on? Am I gonna get arrested for this? I go to the police station, make my statement. The detectives will take in both of our statements and he says, Even a blind man can see this dude's not telling the truth, you know. So I shouldn't worry about it. So I was like, Okay.

And he said he'll let me know if I need to come in for anything again and that was the end of that. About a week later he phones me, he's like, I need you to come to the police station today. I'm like, oof, okay. So I get my friend to go with me in case they can arrest me or something, that they take my car home. But yeah, it turns out

that wasn't the case. He just wanted to tell me that they'd actually arrested the other guy and he wanted to confirm some of my statements. So that's kind of where it ended. I ended up being a witness For his trial. I have no idea if he was convicted or not. I wasn't there for the sentencing or whether like he was guilty or anything like that. So it was just As a witness and that was kind of the end of that. And did he ever reach out to your then girlfriend about it?

I don't think so. I ended up moving back to my hometown and then back to Johannesburg again. So a few years later I like I bumped Enzim at the gym. Oh you did? He didn't say anything, he didn't do anything, so I think he'd learnt his lesson, whether or not he got charged or not like he was super young, so I don't know if he would have gotten a criminal record or anything from that, I'm sure the judge would have been lenient if it was like a first time offence. People cannot control their temper.

No, young men are wound up a little hot. Yeah, especially when the legal drinking age is eighteen. Oh true. Yeah, alcohol, jealousy, massive size, maybe it was juicing. Who knows what's in the mix? Lots going on. Well I'm glad you made it out of there. And I hope that didn't taint your feelings about Hooters. No, not at all. I still regularly go to Hooters for their all you can eat chicken wing specials. Oh, they've got an all you can eat wing special? Yeah. Oh

Pretty good. And you'd love the exchange rates for it as well. Surprised they don't do some sort of like chicken breast. Special. Okay. You're more perverted than I Oh my god, Mom, you're so perverted. I will say I hated this about Hooters. They were very ethical about serving people'cause my friend Scotty and I used to go and watch basketball in the Santa Monica Hooters location. Eat wings. They would only sell you two pitchers of beer. Yeah. Dangerous.

But we would always be a little frustrated with what they wanted us to consume. But again, very ethical of them. So I guess I am applauding them, even though I was frustrated. How about down there? Is it willy nelly? Will they overserve you or are they pretty tight? The portion sizes are pretty big. I have been to the US before and South African portion sizes don't really compare, like US portion sizes are insanely huge. Yeah.

I know we're so gluttonous it's crazy. I'm guessing you don't have sixty four ounce drinks at the gas station either. No. None of that. Well, Casey, it's lovely meeting you and we're so flattered you're down in South Africa listening. I think I might be a first for a select. I think so. Please spread the word. All right. Well lovely meeting you, Casey. You too. Have a good one. Take care.

Hello? Hello, can you hear me? Yes. Is it Leah or Lee? Just never know what these spellings are. That's tough. I was excited for you guys to guess. I get Leah a lot. I get Lei a lot. Leigh is inappropriate, but Leah and Lee Tricky. How do you spell Leah? Leia, Le Leah. Leg Leah. No, Leah. How do you spell Leah? L E A H usually. Where are you at, Lee? just a stone's throw away from some of your many references in Northville, Michigan.

Oh I know. Northville inside and out. Do you cruise Heinz Park? Of course, I'm like a mile away. Wonderful. Yes, we would go cruising in Heinz Park quite a bit. My very good friend went to Novi Hop. My husband went to Novi High. And then we would cruise downtown Northville. That's the story, Monica, that I met the girl and I was lying about my age and she tooted when we were hooking up. Remember that famous story? Right. I'm sorry. Oh my god. Bringing back all the memories.

Lee, did you grow up in Northville? I grew up in Northville and I met my husband at Michigan State where this story takes place. And then we moved all around. I was by Wobby Wob in Chicago, down in Dallas, and now back in good old North. No stints in Atlanta. What do you have against Atlanta? You know, I worked for United Airlines, so they're very Delta country. So it's maybe my only rivalry there. Do you still work for them or no you don't? Now I'm a stay-home mom and a personal trainer.

Ooh, nice. Oh, I have gains. Monica's worked out one point two times. One point one time? My muzzles are huge. Sorry to scare you. How often are you working out? We're so off track, but I'm curious. Probably five to six times a week. There we go. Always a rest day, sometimes two. How about five or six days rest days? I like the six day. Okay. I'm going to stop it on accident Let's go. That's the Rory.

Okay, so as we reference Michigan State, sort of known as a party school, which is where this story takes place. This is January twenty fourteen, which would make me a 18-year-old freshman at Michigan State. We are back for second semester. And I was on a sports team at MSU. And I actually want you guys to guess what team you think I was on. I think you're a soccer player. Uh lacrosse.

We're gonna go lacrosse'cause my husband was lacrosse. So I'm going to keep that part anonymous, but I like to do it. Okay, so neither. Because I'm on the lacrosse team, there are girls who are a lot older that I become friends with over summer trainings and we kind of have this big age group of friends.

All the girls who are 21 obviously are going to the bars on Friday night. And that gave a big incentive to the younger girls to find a way to also go to the bars. So there are two ways at the time it felt like you could get a fake ID. First one is the one I opted for, which was to take some sort of very sketchy passport like photo to send to who knows what country via whatever boy on the dorm floor was willing to take on this endeavor. Uh-huh.

Get all of those fake IDs back in like a necklace box from again, who knows what country and who knows when. And he would kind of go and pass them out. Terrible, very clearly fake from Connecticut. Not great, but worked at the bars you knew it would work at. The more ideal way to get the idea was a cousin that turned 21, pretends they lose theirs, you look enough like them. You use a real Michigan driver's license. You know, more of a surefire. Yeah.

The real ID was always preferred. I didn't get to have that obviously because nobody looked like me. One time I used Callie's ID. We've talked about that. Anyway, go on. So I've got my fake ID. I'm 18, feeling good, getting into the bars I know I can get into with my older teammates, but as some of the other girls in my grade, we're still looking for an ID.

Well, turns out, feels like fate, one of the older girls on the team is at a party and sticks her hand down because she drops her phone in the couch cushion and pulls out a driver's license. Oh bingo. Someone we don't know, but immediately she looks at it, blonde, blue-eyed, could have been any one of our teammates. So she holds on to this morsel and she decides that she is going to night.

One of my best friends, another freshman, Janine, with this fake ID. Now Janine is about five one five two, cute as a button, and this ID does say five ten. We're gonna

So Friday night comes around January, it's freezing cold. Monica, as you know, the best part of going out is the getting ready. We're getting ready in the dorms, skater skirts, peplum tops. Big chunky Charlie's necklace. We're ready to go. We're hyping each other up. Janine parts her hair the way that Haley, the fake ID name,

has her hair parted, she wears it straight, which she never does. We're trying to make Janine Haley. She is living the role. We get to the bar and this is the bar on campus. Okay, Rick. American cafe for all my fellow Spartans. Asked my sister about this. My sister's a MSU graduate. She will know. It is a basement bar as all good college bars are. And the way it's set up is you kind of can see the front door and that's it because you immediately go down the steps.

So the line goes out and around the corner and you have to wait outside until you get to the bouncer and go in. So we've got our group of all my teammates and we are strategizing here. We've got someone who's 21 with a real ID first. Then me, then someone else who's twenty one. You know, we're intermingling the fakes. We think this is gonna help. I cosign on this.

Thank you. Appreciate that. We're there and we are strategizing. And while we're in line, we're all studying. Everyone who's underage is studying their info, right? What's your date of birth? What's your full name? What's your middle name? What's your hometown? All the things. And Janine is locked in as Haley. She's ready to go.

And we decide because sh this is her first time using fake, she's gonna go very last. Oh, because the rumor is kind of like if you're cool with the bouncer, even if he turns you away. Usually they'll give you your ID back and just say, I know this is fake. Scurry off. So she's like, I'll just go back to the dorms if I don't get in. So we get up to the bouncer.

Somebody goes, they get in. I go, I get in. Next person goes in. And then we look at Janine and we're all kind of trying to like creep down the steps so that we can hear what's happening. Sweetie Petey little farm town. She's been peer pressured into using a fake ID, really, is what's happening here. She hands over the ID and immediately the bouncer looks at it, smirks, and goes, How do you know Haley? Fuck. Yeah, see huh this is the risk. Thank you, Ron.

We're on a campus of 50,000 just undergrad, but Janine is fast on her feet and immediately instead of trying to be the I am Haley, which is what I would have done. I would have doubled down, panicked, gone with it, immediately doesn't miss a beat, goes, uh

We're really good friends. Like all my friends just got in. Can you just give me the ID back? And she was just, I think, trying to get the ID back. I don't even know if she wanted to get down the steps, but he kind of like rolls his eyes, gives it to her, and lets That's her. Once I reveal her at the end, she's too cute to let her go home. So Janine gets down the steps and we are celebrating like it is

Super Bowl Sunday and we have won. We are Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelsey high fiving. This is the greatest thing that's happened to our freshman selves. The bar is split because you go down the steps. You go to the left side we called the dark side because that was the dance floor, the booty bumping of it all. And then the right side was the light side, and that's where you would go to like watch the game, order a drink. It's a big oval. So you can walk. kind of all the way around.

So we're into the bar, we are there for probably 45 minutes, just enough to get a couple vodka crayons in us. Oh yeah, that was my drink too. Oh yeah. It's every eighteen year old's drinking. Two more. My 18 year old drink was Amarado Sour. Oh. That's what we weren't all gay. And then I worked my way up to vodka. I like that you're also always like it's a twofer, you're getting drunk and then also kind of buffeting yourself from a UTI. Exactly.

It's the wellness choice. We're having a good time. We're booty bumping. Now the manager of this bar. We're gonna call him Hank because I'm pretty sure he still works there and I wanna be in good graces as an alumna. But he is exactly what you think of when you imagine a Midwestern bar manager, like big, burly. He's wearing the Rick's he's slancing t-shirt. Everybody kind of knows his face.

place in East Lansing. We spot him walking over to Janine. So there's a couple of us that are all hanging out and Janine is near the bar getting a drink on the dark side. Hank walks over, steps right in front of Janine and just puts his hand out, palm up, as if to say

Hand it over. Yeah. Right. Like I know you're using a fake. Hand it over. But he's saying no words. So from the opposite corner of the bar, I am watching this go down. And immediately I clock that the person standing next to him is Haley. Oh. The reason that the bouncer immediately recognized Haley is because they're coworkers and she's a bartender. My gosh, what are the eyes? That is upset. Bad sim.

Bad luck is what that is. As she's fumbling through her crossbody to get this ID out, she goes to give it to Hank and Haley. Snaps it out of her hand and just turns and walks away. Kind of drew the conclusion that at some point in the bouncer shift, he ran down the steps and said to Haley, I just let your friend in with your ID. And Haley said something like, What do you mean, my friend? I lost my ID at a party.

You're right. And that's why he let her in. He's like, Oh, it's one of Haley's buddies. She works here. We're gonna let it slide. I'm caught up now. That makes sense.

So now we've pissed off Hank, we've pissed off Haley, and we've pissed off the bouncer. There's a lot of lies happening here, right? From far away, I just see Hayley get her ID and Janine turns immediately and walks the other way. So I'm like, we're good. I've got three vodka crayons and I'm booty bumping. Come on back and join the party. I think we're fine. And she comes to join the group and is like, we gotta go. They're mad. This is bad news.

Now, truly like out of a movie, cut two, the f next thing we see is we're trying to get up the steps. And at the top of the steps with the bouncer are two East Lancing police officers. Oh, M I P AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH They were known to send the police officers in and kind of have a good relationship and say, Oh, we don't know who's using fake IDs, but if you want to calm down

You're allowed to go and ask people to see Darties. So we're at the top and we just hear the bouncers say to the police officers, Yeah, blonde in the big pink necklace. Oh. Describing Oh, my God. She's not sure. Pull off the necklace and throw it. Literally. So we are walking the steps. Our walk turns into a full blown sprint. We turn.

The opposite way from the police officers. And at this point, I don't know if it's the adrenaline. I don't know what's happening, but there are no words being said between the group of the three of us that are sprinting away from this bar. We are just like all somehow telekinesis going the same direction and getting out of there. End up running away from the police officers. They do not chase us.

In my mind, I was like, we're now gonna be on a foot chase. That did not happen. We ran around the corner, went into the drunk food spot, ditched the pink necklace in the bathroom, and all was well. Scary. That's exciting. All's well that ends well. The full circle, full circle of it is she obviously got her fake taken. I was like the young one. I didn't turn twenty one until well into senior year. And I got very cocky with my fake ID because it had worked for so long.

So for her 21st birthday, I tried to use my fake ID in Vegas. Not a good idea. And that's when I got mine snatched. Yeah. Two things. I used Ken Kennedys at times when I needed to, but mostly we lived in downtown Detroit and they did not give a flying fuck what age you were in downtown Detroit in nineteen ninety three. They didn't care at all. You go into the liquor store and buy whatever you want and they're like, Great, you got cash, you're good.

Mine got taken my senior year right before I turned 21. It ended up being okay. I got three years out of it. What was yours? I had the bad kind, obviously. Bought it off of a freshman in the dorm. I had a friend who was making them. Okay. It was literally glued to the back of a blockbuster card. You couldn't take it out of the wall. You know, you had the wallet with the clear thing and you would just like give them that. You know, if they said take it out, then you're like Actually I gotta go.

Actually I have diarrhea. I gotta go home right now. Remember Day of Diarrhea. So he made me and I cried. There's a fugazi. You cry. I was so embarrassed. Janine's coming out. Somehow we're there. Gabby might be home too. Hold on, I'm giving my earpods. Oh my god. Oh look at this. You're still friends. Test friends. Oh that is so cute. Who's the third member? I'm was not a part of the story, I met them after, but I'm just a huge R channel.

So Lee and I text all the time when episodes come out where I was just like bonding over it and she was like, Okay, you have to come over some for some moral support for the story and sneak in and say hi if you can. So just wanted to say him a huge Oh, we love it. All right, well, nice meeting all of you. Yes. Yeah, nice meeting you too. Thank you, Ronnie. So fun. Bye.

Katie, where are you camping? I'm currently camping in my living room. Oh I love it. Are those rosettes? Oh no, this is part of a fort kit that my children own. Oh, yeah, we had the same one and I come across big tubs of the poles and the joining pieces all the time and think, are we really still ever gonna play with this? Can we please get rid of it? Well now they're also weapons. Yeah, I mean look at it. It's just dying to be swung at a sibling. Where are you at in the world?

Outside of Washington D C and Northern Virginia. Oh, okay. Wonderful. What kind of weather do you have over there right now? It's a little chilly, but the sun is starting to come back out, so I'm slowly getting out of my seasonal depression. Ugh good. I'm happy for you. Driving with the windows down yet? Yes, sunroof wide open. Oh, it's a big, big moment.

You know, in my planner I have to write down what I'm grateful for every day. Yeah. And yesterday I wrote Sunshine. It's a good one.'Cause it's a real good one. So you have a bar story. I do. So this story takes place in a small college town in Virginia. I am a college sophomore in this story, and I am not yet twenty one. So I am going to the bars with a fake ID that is pretty bad. And where did you get it?

Yeah, we're learning a lot about fake IDs on this episode. I'm learning a lot about fake IDs on this episode. What was your variety? We found some guy that did faith. It wasn't like a real ID. It was created for me. And so I basically traded a Kate Spade bag that my aunt gave me for this ID. That's pretty expensive. Better be a good fake. It was Did you have to take a picture or did you use an existing one? How was it constructed?

They took a picture and then it was horribly laminated and then they didn't even like sand down or round it. So it was pointy. Oh sharp, dangerous to retrieve out of the wallet. Yeah. Yeah. And how successful was it as a fake ID? Did it work? If they ever used the scanner, which they started using as I was getting closer to twenty one, I would not make it in. But for the most part it did its job. It's a Thursday night. It's the local bar that everyone goes to. It's only college students.

And it's one of those special college bars that has this big open space where you can dance and it's like a club. But then as soon as you enter these other doors, it's just like a restaurant and bar. So it's pitcher night. It's two for one. And I have two pictures and I'm going to meet my friends. I'm already wasted. We're already making our way towards this club space. So it's like a different feel now.

I am hammered. And as I'm walking, I'm in my heels and my black lacy going out top. I'm strutting my stuff. I slip on a puddle of something. And I fall face forward and I catch myself with my mouth. Okay. You break your fall with your teeth. Because you couldn't let those pictures go. I didn't. I needed to. It was a priority. I had to get them to my friends. So I fell and I knocked all four of my friends. Oh my. Good. Yes, this is really a serious tumble.

It was in a like crescent moon shape across all Oh wait, they broke off? The roots didn't come out. No, the roots didn't come out. But they all broke off. Which was actually pretty fortunate for me later that they didn't all actually come out. Wait, can I ask you quickly, like out of t what's the pain of your teeth cracking off? There's zero pain. Oh that's But you're drunk, which helps. Could also be a little shock.

Yeah. And you run your tongue along your teeth and you go, Oh, there's a moonshade. Yeah, I don't run my tongue along my teeth. I just run my tongue through my teeth. Really quick, do you look on the ground for the pieces of teeth? So this is where it actually gets bad. My guy friends that lived around the corner from me, they saw this whole thing. And they watched me bit my teeth. Boy. look at them like really pissed off. And then throw them across the floor. Gangster move. I like it.

Yeah. So they did frantically look for my teeth, but we never saw them again. Which was also a blessing because the dentist would have tried to glue them, it wouldn't have looked good. Okay. I'm wasted at this point and my guy friends being guys were like we want to stay at the bar. So they usher me into a cab with people I don't know. So strangers are now bringing me home. They decided that finding my friends was not the best option. Oh my god. Well, yeah.

Really quick, I mean maybe they saw what disregard you had for your teeth and they were like, Oh, she didn't care about shit. Just put them with string. She doesn't care anybody. They can't care. They should care. was just a normal night for me. So I get inside and I'm by myself and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not really panicking. It could still be that I was in shock, but everything seems fine.

I do call my mom and it's probably eleven or twelve at night on a Thursday night. She's sleeping. She's two hours away and I leave her a message and all I say is they're gone. Oh Oh my god. And then my roommate comes in and so I hang up the phone and I don't say anything else. My roommate quickly calls my boyfriend who is long distance and she quickly just tells him what's going on before we go to the ER and she says Katie fell at the bar. Which he heard as Katie fell off the bar.

He's thinking I was dancing on the bar. Oh and he's pissed now. Oh, I told her never to do that. Yeah. It made me want to actually have danced on the bar. Like I wish I had done it. So we do go to the E R. And the doctor is unfazed by us. We're wasted. He checks me for head trauma. I'm fine. He says you just need to go to the dentist in the morning. Everything's fine. He does prescribe me Percocet. Oh It was also fun to stay at the pharmacy with my list.

So we proceed to go home, everything's fine, I go to sleep and I wake up at seven in the morning from a a phone call from my mom and she is just like, What is happening? What's gone? So I tell her everything and she says, Okay, I'll be there in two hours. So on her way she does make a dentist appointment for me and I went back to sleep. I made no effort to clean myself up. I have last night's makeup on. I have maybe like those juicy guiture sweatpants on with juicy across my butt.

Top top. I look like a mess. I smell like a bar. My mom is clearly ashamed of my choice. Caps off the Percocet bottle, sitting at the nightstand. She did make me give her the Percocet. Yeah. She takes me to the dentist. And the minute that I walk in, I realize that my Jesus loving mother has taken me to the most Christian dentist there could ever be. And I know that she's not acting that disappointed, but that this is her form of retribution for me.

I proceed to spend the next two hours in the dentist chair, smelling like bar and staring up at scenes from the Bible. Well Oh, so they had adorned the ceiling with Jesus iconography? It was. Wow. So did this dentist did he s send you out with a smile? I mean he's gotta make fake crowns or veneers. It was actually really impressive. So I needed a root canal because I did kill one of my roots.

So I had to do that and then they had to grind down all four of the teeth so that they could put veneers on. Yeah, that's kind of fun. See, it's an excuse to get veneers. Have you had to have them replaced? I already had to have them replaced once. So that first time was on my parents' dime and then this last time was Not they're pricey, right? If you want nice ones. You have nice ones. Your teeth look great.

Yankee, my husband said that I needed to make sure I brush them before I talk to you guys. Oh, that was nice of him. What I'm mad about in these post apocalyptic shows is they don't show people whose veneers have fallen out. Like there should be a good percentage of the people in post-apocalypt America who have the shark teeth. I really need to store up on like the dental glue just in case.

Yeah, you're gonna wanna be able to put'em back in there. Other people be grabbing water and stuff and you'll be grabbing fix a dent or whatever it's called. Ha ha ha. Oh well Katie, it's lovely meeting you. Lovely meeting you guys too. Thank you so much for all you do. Oh our pleasure. Thank you for listening. All right. Bye. You too. Goodbye. Bye. All right. Love you. Have fun at the bar tonight, anyone who's uh going out. Try to keep your teeth. Yeah, be safe out there.

Don't get in any fights. Muse a high quality fake ID if you must. Condom. All right. Love you.