Armchair Anonymous: Bad Dates

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Batman. Hi. Today we're going to hear about bad dates. Scary. Something you and I both have had very few of. Because I didn't really date. I never took people out to dinner and all that stuff. Yeah, which is weird. Well, you did. No, I just met people out.

And then I would hang out with them. I didn't have any money to go on a date. You took Bree out to IHOP or something. I took her to Denny's on Thanksgiving and my mom paid. Yeah, so that's a date. She said at Thanksgiving you can take the credit card and go.

Have Thanksgiving dinner at Denny's. Yeah, that's cute. Okay, but we're going to hopefully hear about some horrendous dates. I can't wait. And I think I'm going to feel validated about my lack of dating. Right, like that you've made the right decision. Yeah. I know. We'll have to do a great dates prompt to bring you back. Okay, please enjoy Bad Dudes. We are supported by JCPenney.

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Hello. Where are you, Cameron? I am in northern Utah and just like a little town at the very, very top of Utah. Just before Idaho? Yeah, I'm in Logan, Utah. Ah. I drive through there on my way to Idaho every year. How does one find a date in northern Utah? I can't imagine that you have a ton of folks to select from. Because population. Not that there's bad people in Utah. Okay, I'm glad we clarified. Northern Utah sounds like small town to me. It's very small town. We had one high school.

So there's not much. Yeah, you pretty much met every eligible bachelor in your town. By the time you're in third grade. Yeah. I think this is going to be really fun to tell you guys because I was actually the bad date. Oh, great. Oh, my God. So honest of you. This is already so sweet and introspective and armchair expert-like. Yeah. I'm embarrassing myself right here. So a little bit of background.

I was 17 at this time. It was my junior year of high school, and I was a little bit of a choir nerd. There was a really cute boy in my choir class. We'd been blurting it up a little bit, getting to know each other better. A few months into us getting to know each other, he asked me on a date. What grade is he in? He was one year above me. So he was a senior and I was a junior. That was my hunch. Okay. Okay. Exciting. We love an older...

Man. One year older man. We do love older men. I'm super excited for this date. I'm telling all my friends about it. I planned out my outfit like a week in advance because it was the middle of winter in northern Utah.

We decided it would be really fun to go snowshoeing. Ooh. We decided to go on a double date with some of our friends. The day of the date rolls around. He comes and picks me up from my house. Have you told your parents it's a date? Did you tell them I'm going on a date or you say like my... bro from choir. We're going snowshoeing with like 10 of us. I'm really close with my parents. I tell them everything.

They knew it was a date. But anyways, my date picks me up. And while we're driving there, he tells me, hey, the other couple is still going to be a minute. Do you want to just go to my house first and we can hang out? I was definitely fine with that. I mean, one-on-one time with him. Okay, good. So we head to his house and his family is all hanging out outside. They're very outdoorsy family.

And they have like a little snowmobile loop track. I'm talking to his parents. His little siblings are riding around on snowmobiles. It's really fun. He pulls out this really nice brand new snowmobile. Really quick. I'm already liking the challenging of my stereotype because when you said he's like, let's go to my house. First thought is like.

This guy's trying to move way too fast. And then I went, no, he's in choir. He's a nice boy. Now I'm hearing snowmobiles. I'm like, no, he's a raw dogger. I'm really having to deal with my stereotypes here. There's a lot of bad boys in choir. I don't know if that's a true statement. Yes, it is.

Because it's like the male cheerleaders that we had that were straight. They were nasty. Yeah, because they were smart. They're like, I'm going to go be around all these women. Honestly, it was a good way to get girls. because it is a really big thing in Utah. Utah is very musical. The Mormons have embraced music as a church, which is cool because a lot of churches don't want music, which is insane. No disrespect, but.

This fucking beautiful thing. I've never heard that. Oh, my God. A lot of Christian sex are against popular music. It promotes dancing and sex. Sure, Footloose. That's just from one movie called Footloose. No, it's more research than Footloose. Okay, go on. So he pulls out this kick-ass snowmobile. He's going to show off, I guess. That's my hunch. His parents and his siblings are all hyping it up. They're just saying, this is our brand new snowmobile. It's so nice.

So powerful. They're really just playing it up. So he hops on the snowmobile.

He's kind of showing off a little bit. He's doing some loops around their backyard. I don't mind. I'm fine with watching. And he stops a snowmobile next to me. And he's just like, Cameron, you need to hop on, try it out. This is going to be so fun. And he hops off. Oh, no. And you've never ridden a snowmobile. I have ridden snowmobiles on the back, but I had never.

been the one driving. We could pause right now and I could tell you exactly what's going to happen, but I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it, but there's the most predictable pattern for someone who's never ridden one, but please continue. And they should have all known what was coming to. If you've ever ridden a snowmobile. you know they're really powerful and they kind of shoot you forward. I was not expecting that when I got on. In my mind I wasn't pressing very hard on the gas.

And I shoot forward. Obviously, I'm thinking, I cannot fall off the back of the snowmobile right now. I'm going to fall on my face in front of my date. and his parents and his siblings. I'm going to ruin the whole day. I cannot do this. In the spur of the moment, I like windmill my arm around. And I grab the handle so I don't fly off the bat, which in my mind made sense. But what I didn't realize is when I grabbed that, I went full throttle.

And I was pulling down as fast as it could go. Oh, my God. I got to add, they're so fucking fast. These really high-end snowmobiles do 0 to 60 in like two and a half seconds. Oh, my God. Like three times as fast as any car you've ever felt. I can't believe it. We just set you on and said, have fun. Only a 17-year-old. Okay, so you're going full throttle. And you're hanging on for dear life. By one hand. By right hand. And I was really hesitant to get on at first.

But they eventually convinced me because they just kept saying, this snowmobile is so fun. We're taking it on this big family trip. Just try it out. So I'm going full throttle, speeding through their backyard. The next thing that I know, I'm laying on the ground looking up at the sky. And I just hear his whole family screaming, like, call 911. Oh, my God.

Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Oh no. And it kind of felt like a cartoon when they pass out and they have all the heads floating around them. Because this whole family, they were all just surrounding me. when i was looking up at the sky but what happened is i went full force right into the side of their family's rv Oh, my God. You had a brick wall. But I do love also you've now taken out a second thing that they own. This brand new stone mobile they were taking on a family vacation.

The whole front of it completely shattered. It was bad. The RV had a dent in the side of it. I had hit my face on the side mirror that was sticking out of the RV. I want video. I was just thinking how bad I want to see it stop in one inch. This is America's home video. Yeah, it is AFV. I would pay really good money to be able to watch that happen. So I sit up. I'm not feeling a ton of pain.

because I have a lot of my adrenaline pumping. And I look down at my wrist and it is sticking out. Oh, my God. The bone wasn't sticking out, but it was like a big... lump, you could definitely tell something was wrong. And I start freaking out because I'm a piano player. I play sports. Like I need my wrist. We decided I didn't need an ambulance, but I probably should go to the hospital.

My poor date. We get in his little car. Your poor date. You're being awfully generous. He caused you to almost die. You know, I really appreciate you being on my side. I mean, he didn't cause anything, but you definitely shouldn't feel bad. Well, he was being... Okay. I don't want her to feel bad, but he was being very sweet. He's got this...

Very prized possession that the whole family loves. And he wants to show her immediately. He trusts her with it. He's nice. Dax. She said so many times, I don't want to do it. She didn't say, I don't want to do it. You said that, right? You were like, oh, I was hesitant. And they're like, no. do it it's so fun I don't know if the words I don't want to do this ever came into my mouth but I would definitely

pretty hesitant about it. They should have been more responsible, but they were being very nice. When you let someone ride your prized possession, that's a very benevolent gesture. I think it's benevolent if you're like, I'd like to ride that. And then it's like, this is my prized possession. Okay, not I'm showing off my cool thing.

And I want you to see how cool it is. You don't really want to, I can tell. Let me say this, though. An unlikable boy would be the boy, watch me go in circles for 20 minutes. Yeah. But the fact that his nature was to include her, I like it. He was really nice and his whole family was really nice.

Just an awkward situation. Yeah, really unfortunate first day. So we hop in his car. The pain is kind of starting to hit it at this point. So I'm holding my wrist. My dad's actually a doctor at this local hospital. So we call my dad. We're like, hey, can you meet us here? We meet at the hospital and my poor day drops me off and gives me to my dad basically with a broken wrist and I'm bawling.

And he's just profusely apologizing. He feels so bad. It's his first time meeting my dad. Oh my God. If this ends up being, did you marry this man? No. I would have been excited by that. He actually just got engaged to someone else. Boo! But I'm in a very happy relationship. Yay! But he's away. Boo. But he comes home Saturday. Yay. But he said he has a disease. Boo. Oh, no. Knock on wood. But he said it's treatable in a one-week cycle of antibiotics. Yay. I'm so sorry.

He was super nice. He offered to stay at the hospital with me and everything. But I told him, like, no, go home. I want my embarrassment to end. I need you to disappear so that I can have my dad, who I know loves me no matter what I do. Yes. And I had to cut up my really cute sweater that I had picked out.

Wow, it was just a really bad day all around. That's tough. Cameron, I love this story, but I do have to say you didn't sell it right because you're not a bad date at all. That was my whole point. Yeah, not a bad date. This isn't on you. Right, but he is still a very nice boy. He's a bad day near.

A good date. I'm sorry for that woman who's marrying him. Both of you are good choir people from Utah, and you did a nice, wholesome activity, ride snowmobiles. It went sideways. These things happen. What was the extent of the injuries? I had fractured my wrist. I just had major bruising all over and I didn't have any serious damage on my face, but it kind of hurt to eat food. Have you been on a snow machine since?

I actually haven't. I'm really scared. And did you guys have a second date? We did not. We stayed really good friends and we hung out a lot in groups of people. Who do you think was in charge of that? You or him? It was probably more me because I was embarrassed.

I would feel that way too. Don't you think though, if it was you, I'd be so embarrassed. No, no, no, no. If you were the guy, you would be like, let's do the date properly. You'd push for that. Well, I'm trying to be really honest and thorough in my thought experiment and go. 18-year-old boy. I'm an outdoorsy guy and my family's outdoorsy and she's probably not a fit.

I'm actually trying to make a case for you that he didn't want to go on a date. But I don't know that I believe that. But that was my best attempt at why he might not have wanted to. It's like, she's not into the same lifestyle as me. But I don't think that happened. It very well could have. Is the girl he engaged to? an X Games gal? I have no idea. I would assume she has some level of adventure in her. I'm glad you're okay and you're a great date. That's the takeaway. Yeah, I think so too.

You guys really changed my perspective on this story. Yeah, I would have asked you out again for sure. Even if I didn't want to, I'd be like, fuck. Yeah, you have to. I gave her the worst date of her life. That's my whole point. I know, it's a good point. You always get to my point like four minutes.

No, the only thing that's happening is you get hostile when we're having these dust-ups. I'm just trying to throw out some ideas. It's not hostile that my opinion's bright. No, it's your voice that's hostile. Okay, I guess we can't argue. It's so fun to talk to you guys in person because I've heard you guys so much on my phone. So this is so fun. Yeah, to be a part of the bickering.

I feel like I'm in the groove right now. Yeah, I would want to be a part of bickering. Wouldn't you, Monica? Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't like to hear that Monica was being hostile if I were a guest. If you were Cameron. Just saying. Yeah, if I was Cameron. Oh, thanks for chatting. Thank you guys. I'm totally fangirling, but can I do a shout out really fast? Of course. I wanted to shout out my amazing boyfriend, Caleb, and his sister, Sabrina, and just my whole family. We're all huge.

It's gotten us through many long car rides. And then I'm actually with my mom, she's a therapist and she got me totally hooked on this show. And I was wondering if you could say hi. Of course, get her in here. Oh, how fun. Hi. Now we're not strangers. Not strangers anymore. How bad was this injury when you saw it? Well, my daughter is a little injury prone. She can be a little dramatic. Okay. We should always have the mom come in after we hear it.

story just to get the other perspective. I run anxious with my children. And so I was just very grateful. The family was amazing and they took good care of her. So it turned out as well as it could. Now, I didn't ask her this question because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

but who paid for the damaged sled? That family just absorbed those costs or was it split? No, that's nice. They even bought me like a brand new blanket and candy and brought it to my house. Oh, that's really nice. It's like a $12,000. visit to their house. Listen, I don't want to be the one to say that they have a snowmobile and an RV. I think they're probably doing okay, would be my guess. They were. They were doing great until she arrived.

No, that's the cutest story, and I'm sad that it went sideways. Yeah. But it was fun to hear. But we love Caleb, so now we're happy. It worked out. We loved Caleb. Yeah, but he's out of town. No, not bad again. Well, it's lovely meeting both of you. Be well. Have a great rest of your summer. It's nice meeting you guys. Thank you. Bye. Bunny, I was just teasing you. I didn't mean to make you mad.

It's your bit you're doing. You're like, no, Dax. And I'm calling out. But then we can't call it hostile because then that makes me seem. But that's a joke. But to me, it was all going to work until I had hurt your feelings and I didn't really mean to. Hostile then makes it an actually bad. way to be. So then I do have to then stop doing that. If someone was yelling at me, I would go, stop being so hostile. I'm just pointing out the guy's rich, you know. That's not how it was. Okay.

It's the repair piece, but it only went halfway. Okay. I'd love a full repair. Is there anything I can do? No, it's fully repaired. Okay. We are supported by Quince. Oh, we love Quince. We do love Quince. The quality's unparalleled. Let's face it, keeping up with fashion trends can be exhausting and expensive. Tell me about it. But...

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Mitch, we're sorry we're late. Oh, no worries at all. We dilly-dallied a bit on a previous call and it's our fault and we're sorry. Are you in the medical profession or you just love scrubs? I am. I'm a physical therapist. Oh, my God. Oh, Monica. I just.

I just know so many physical therapists. Hopefully they're all good ones. They are. If you want to date with Monica, magician or physical therapy? Okay, that's interesting. I've never dated one. I just know so many. You trust them. So many of my best friends. Don't you think you start on second base if you're a suitor? That's true. I already know a lot about what you do. You skipped some steps. Where are you in the country, Mitch? I'm in Wisconsin.

Close to Milwaukee or way the fuck up? Way the fuck up. Okay. So you have a bad date story. I have a horrendous date story. Oh, we love horrendous. The worst, the better. Disclosure, a little bit of a horror story. So if you're jumpy. Oh, I love pop. I'm glad you're seated. All right. So it all started a weekend. I had a friend in town. We just went to a bar, met a cute bartender, got her number, chatted about for a little bit. Didn't really think anything of it.

I was living in Milwaukee at the time, so I just moved there, didn't really know the city at all. The next week, I was out to dinner with my friends Sam and Maddie at Bel Air Cantina, getting some tacos, some margaritas, having a good night. It was my first semester of undergrad too, so I was leaning into it a little bit. So this girl texted me, asked me if I want to go meet her at a bar. It's Tuesday. I've had a couple of margaritas. Why would I not go meet this girl? I go across town.

meet her at the bar. And before I can even get like a question in, this guy just covered in tattoos comes up to us and he sees that I have some tattoos. He's like, hey, saw your tattoos, thought they're really cool. takes his shirt off in the bar to show me like chest, stomach, full of tattoos. Apparently he was coworkers with this girl that I was on a date with. So he's chatting us for a while. He finally leaves.

Again, before I can even ask a question, some other guy comes up to us, another coworker. So they talk. Finally, he leaves. So he keep his shirt on? He kept his shirt on, yes, thankfully. But again, before I can talk to her, tattoo guy comes back and asks us if we want to go to a house party that his friend's having. So I still don't know this girl at all because I haven't had a chance to talk to her. And she's like, that sounds fun. Do you want to go? I was like.

Whatever. It's Tuesday. I don't care. Let's go to this house party. As soon as we get there and I start getting out of the car, the tattoo guy stops me and he's like, yeah, I just don't think my friend would be cool with you coming. This is my sign. I should just go home. And to this girl's credit, she's like, if he's not going.

I'm not going. And she invited me to go back to her house. This is a lot of locations. You're right about the locations. They say don't go to a second location. And you're at your now third location. So we show up to her house, which is like a typical college house, multi stories. And there's a shed next to the house. So we start walking.

to the shed, not to the front door, which is odd, but I'm committed at this point. So you get to the shed, she opens it up, and it's just stairs that go up to... like the third story. So I'm assuming it was like a triplex rented out story by story. Not weird. So we get up to her attic living situation and things get a little hot and heavy. We start making out, some clothes start coming off.

But then she just stops out of nowhere, looks me in the eyes, and is like, he wouldn't like this. And I'm like, do you have a boyfriend? Is somebody here? Like, we don't have to do anything. No matter what I say to this woman, her response is, He wouldn't like this. Ew, uh-oh. Again and again. Oh no, this is getting creepy. Really quick, when you were in this situation real time.

Were you at all going like, is this a weird sexy game I'm supposed to be figuring out? Did those thoughts cross your mind at all or no? No, I was just alarmed immediately. Yeah, just abject terror. Something's wrong. So then no shade to any religion. This is just the only thing I have to compare what I heard to. I don't know if you guys are familiar with the Pentecostal religion at all. That's where they speak in tongues and stuff? Yes. Do they handle snakes too occasionally?

I think so. Will snake play? That I'm not sure. Okay. But they definitely speak in tongues. Okay. This woman starts like. No. Making these noises. Not like. Not like I'm choking or I'm going to throw up or something's medically wrong. Just speaking in tongues is the closest thing I could.

compare it to so I'm like okay it's time for me to get out of here yeah so I make sure I've got my stuff and I book it to the stairs run down the stairs couldn't find the lights or anything but I get to the door Can't open the door. It's locked. So I start feeling around for the deadbolt. Can't find it. So I turn on my flashlight on my phone. There is no deadbolt. It's a keyhole from the inside of the house. No fucking way. So you need a key to get it.

out of the house. What? So I'm heart dropping, freaking out. I literally tried to kick down the door because I was terrified at this point that... He was going to, I don't know. Guys, you're 18 or 19. Your imagination goes real quick. Like, I've entered the real world and there are female serial killers. And as she possessed, like she's making these noises.

maybe thinks he's in her. I'm not a spiritual person at all, but the closest I've seen to someone being possessed, like that's what I was getting. So I'm freaking out at the bottom of the stairs and I'm like, well, I can't break this door down. The only thing I can do is go. Back up the stairs. If he's up there, game on, I guess. She's still writhing around making these noises. But there's some writhing involved as well. So is it sexual what's happening? Is she horny? If it is.

I'm not kink shaming anyone, just not my thing. So I start just like rifling through her stuff, like dumping out her purse, finally find the keys, run back downstairs, unlock the door, throw the keys up the stairs and just take off. And she's not even like, hey, she doesn't even know you're there. Unaware of anything, just completely in her own world. So eventually I find some street I recognized and made it back home. But the next morning, this woman texts me.

And says, had a great time with you last night. Would love to see you again. Oh, would love to lock you in my house again. So I don't know if it was some crazy prank or what was going on. But I blocked the number, never talked to her again. I was just terrified. Okay, so you didn't respond at all? No. That was probably wise. Were you tempted to say, hey, what was happening last night? Yeah, get some answers. In the moment, no.

And after telling my friends this story, I want to know so badly. Yeah. Yes. Was she into, like, Wicca or the occult? Aleister Crawley? You would think the next day when she... texted that she'd be like, I know that might have felt weird. Like, explained it a little bit, especially if it was sexual or kinky. Didn't mean to spook you. I just really enjoy pretending I'm...

Possessed by a demon and I wanted you to play the role of a demon. Do you have a tail costume and horns? It seems like she didn't know it happened. Not that she was like blackout drunk, but I think she blacked out on something. Well, now this brings up and I don't know enough about this. even talk about it but the 80s dramatized tv movies i saw about multiple personality

It does seem that, you know, when they're in another personality, they don't have a memory of it. They're not juggling the consciousness. It's like they're snapping in and out. But is that real? Yeah. In that way, is it real, though? I think there's been real cases. I saw a couple great.

80s made for TV movies. Yeah, so that means real. Certainly they would have been sued. If they made a TV show or movie about it, it definitely happened. I think so, right? Superman came out last weekend. Oh, God, that's so creepy. I'm trying to... wrap my head around the lock on the inside i'm trying to like make a case for how that could ever be

I know one. I told you to do this yesterday. I literally said, I think you should get a lock in case anyone tries to rob you. They're stuck. Right. Like as soon as they enter the home, gates fall over. They can't get out and they're trapped. Yeah, and they start gnawing their legs. Maybe that was their home defense. I can see why she targeted you.

If I can be honest. Why is that? Because you seem very nice. He would understand. Yeah, or just be gentle about it. I disagree. I feel like she would be into like. A hell's angel. Yeah, because. then they might, or they wouldn't think it was creepy. I don't think she has any idea that this ever even happened.

I think, like you said, maybe it's multiple personality disorder or something. Something intense. Something otherworldly, some might say. Oh, wow. Metaphysical. Creepy. I'm sorry that happened to you, but it is a good story. At the time. It's been quite a few years. It's hilarious. Well, kind of hilarious. It's getting more hilarious as the time passes. And are you wetted up now or no? Nope. I am single at the moment.

No more crazy bad dates like that. Not for long, I don't think. You could unblock her and then see how she's doing. Check back in. I think I'm going to pass on that one. curiosity is definitely there but not worth opening that can of worms give me her number I'll sniff around I'll see what's going on well Mitch it's a delight to meet you I feel like I would definitely want you to treat me

Don't you have that sense? Oh, physical therapy wise. Yes. I thought you meant to a dinner or something like that. Oh, no, I would pay. I'm happy to take you both out for dinner too. If you need physical therapy, come see me. I'm happy to do it all. Next time we're in the northern fringes of Wisconsin.

On our way to Marquette, Michigan. We'll let you know. You guys might not even know. My friends, Maddie and Jessica, are the ones that submitted my story for me. They're like huge armchairs. And then I wanted to know if either of you watched the TV show Survivor. No. No. I do.

Oh, Rob does. Rob's saying he does. And we have heard of it. Yes, we're very aware of Survivor. I just wanted to call out Jeff Probst, if that's okay. Oh, of course. Just because you love him so much? If I survived this date, obviously 26 days on Fiji would be nothing.

He's looking for somebody. So it's a submission for a survivor. Yeah, I'll be submitting my actual submission. Oh, and it's like this a little extra. This can't hurt. I'm going to add it to our Peabody campaign we're launching, which nobody campaigns for a Peabody, but we are shamelessly. And so I'm going to also be...

calling for them to cast you on Survivor. That's right. Me too. Appreciate that more than you'd ever know. If you end up on Survivor, that's a season I'll watch. Rob, you'll tell us? Yeah, yeah, I'll let you know. Okay, great. Get on there. We're rooting for you. And hey, Survivor, you get some free...

publicity because we would probably talk occasionally about checking in with Mitch. Oh, we definitely would. Thank you so much for talking to us. Yeah, thanks, Mitch. Yeah, no, thank you guys for taking the time. So nice to meet you both. All right, take care. Bye.

Hello. There couldn't be a name that has a softer spot in my heart. My father, my brother, my stepdad, all David. Well, thank you. My mom said she never met a David she didn't marry. I was named after my uncle, who I never met. He died tragically when my mom was pretty young, but I carried on his name. Oh, that's lovely. And where are you at, David? Camas, Washington.

Just downriver from Hood River. Oh, lovely. We're at the mouth of the gorge. We actually spent time in Hood River over the weekend paddleboarding. So by Troutdale a bit? Yeah, basically right across the river. Okay, great. On the Washington side. So you had a bad date story. I've got more than one, but the one I submitted, I have to really give my wife the credit for this. She was not part of the date, but anytime she can make light of embarrassing moments.

of my life, she will do so. So she had me submit this story that happened about 15-ish years ago. She's my second wife. I was married before. Went through a divorce. I didn't date much before. Yeah. What age were you when you got divorced? I was 37, 38. Divorce kind of puts you in a different mind frame. And I got to working out and got to burn all that negative energy. I got in the best shape. my life and I was ready to roll. I started out on an app.

It was Match.com back then. They didn't have all the other things. Started playing the field a little bit, checking things out, and was kind of hit and miss with a certain gal. I'll call her Sally. And finally got a chance to go on a couple of dates here and there. They weren't anything. special. And then this was kind of the special date.

that things were moving forward a little bit. You thought you guys might have sex on this date, is what you're saying. That was very, very possible. I had already known that she had no kids for the night. Everything was working out in my favor. So I...

Drove over to pick her up. There was a movie theater called Vinatopia. It was a wine bar, restaurant, and a movie theater all kind of combined. So we had a bunch of wine and we're enjoying the evening. We ate while we were watching whatever movie. I have no idea. And halfway through the movie, I'm getting the chills. Thank you, David. I was hoping we'd get one of these. Yeah, I love it. And so I step out real quick. And this is a summer day.

It's hot. I go to the car and grab a jacket, come back in. I put a jacket on. I'm shivering. All right, Arm Cherries, the new series on stars called Blood of My Blood is going to be your next obsession. It's an epic love story from the creators of Outlander that takes you from the battlefields of World War I to the rugged highlands of 18th century Scotland, following two couples fighting to stay together against the odds.

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As the movie finishes up, I don't even eat most of my food. She knows. I'm like, man, I'm freezing. I can't warm up. So, all right, let's head out. We start to walk out of the movie theater. And I said, hey, let me meet you at the car. Here's my keys. I'm going to hit the bathroom real quick. Oh, boy. I headed to the bathroom. Luckily.

I make it to the bathroom in time because the sweats now are coming. Everything in my body wants to come out. Oh. And it did. They should have had a seatbelt on that toilet. It was a wild ride, and I spent some time in there. You're in so much physical pain and agony, and it's so grueling, but also you have a time clock going in your head where, like, it's getting obvious. Oh, shit, it's getting way more obvious. Just a layer of stress.

don't know how long I was in there. Wait, confirming it's just one end? Just one end. No stomach issues except the grumbles. It was all lower digestive for sure. So it cleaned up. I feel a little better. I get halfway to the car. I run back to the bathroom. Same stall and everything. I'm sure the management was like, oh, he's back.

I ruined that battle. It wasn't my finest moment. I was so terrified now because now I have to drive her home after I get cleaned up after the second round. She may be asleep in the car by the time you get there. I mean, this is... Probably been a 25-minute ordeal. Yeah, how long do you think it was? It was probably 20 or 30 minutes. Oh, my God. I come out, and she sees the agony in my face, sweat beads on the forehead, you name it. It was all hair. You're not wearing your socks anymore. Yeah.

I get to the car. She was really sweet. She just says maybe I should drive. She gets in my car. drives herself back home. Just to further the emasculation. Just make sure it's bulletproof. You know what? I'm happy she did that because I could feel so codependent. But it's an early date and I think it's really smart to be like,

I don't know that I feel all that safe with this person who really is unwell driving. It was a good move on her part. And as we're driving home, I'm terrified I'm going to shit my pants and my own car seat as we get closer to her house. She stops at a local grocery store, buys some soda water, some crackers for me. This is nice. Super sweet. Yeah, no condoms. Yes, no. She's like, I know you're not going to want to stop on your way home, so I'll take care of this. So she grabbed a few things.

And then we get to her house, which was right around the corner. And I'm thankful I have not ruined the car or my pants. As we park, she gets out. So I open my door. I get out. And the lights go, ooh. I go tunnel vision. I'm going to pass out. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, this is really bad. I am now terrified. I'm going to pass out.

and crap my pants in her driveway yeah the second you go out cold you'll stop squeezing your sphincter and it'll all come out oh yeah so i literally am on all fours as she comes around the car so this is my finer moment right you Or on a date with a giant weirdo. It couldn't have got worse. Well, it could have. I could have actually shit my pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now she says, hey, you can stay here. I'll set up the guest room. I...

I had to. I couldn't drive. When I stood up, everything went fuzzy. But David, I can't think of anything worse. In that moment, I want to be alone so fucking bad. I want to go back to my house and make a bunch of noises and keep my pants off in between trips. I got to get weird. Yeah, there's no way to control the noise. No. Yeah, no. You could try to hold tissue paper up to it, but that's not going to do it.

Can you imagine trying to do that? I tried to do that. Explosive diarrhea. No, but I've been in a girl's apartment and then went to. pee and I had to fart really bad and then sit down and then put toilet paper on my anus while I fart so it doesn't make any noise. Did it work? Yeah, it works pretty good. Okay, it's not going to work first. No, no, no, no. I don't advise it. You're just going to get so much all over your hands. David's situation calls for a much different... Dax, that actually...

does work when you have to fart. 100%. We're all animals trying to act civil. It's so funny. We're in each other's dwellings having a fart. This woman's so nice. I wonder if she has a little bit of a sick kink. Sounds like it could be. No, I don't think she does. Absolutely not, actually. Otherwise.

I was right in her wheelhouse. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you would have had your clothes on. She'd be like, let's get all these clothes off. She's like, let's just get you inside. So I went to bed. That lasted only a few minutes before I was up and into the bathroom. When I go into the bathroom the first time.

I realized this is her kid's bathroom. Everything I have, I know is contagious. I'm pretty certain it was the norovirus. Oh, yeah. Was going around like crazy back then. And I work at a fire department. So they were in. nursing homes and all that stuff all the time so pretty certain i had that problem going on and now i'm like oh man i'm gonna get her kids sick yeah

So I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor more than the bed. This is the worst fucking date I've heard. Yeah, this is really bad. It was not pleasant. The fact that you had to be at her house the whole night is like the most excruciating. detail. And she had all white linen, of course, and white rugs in her bathroom. And I'm going, there's no way I'm coming out of this with these rugs being white. I must have went to the bathroom 20, 30 more times that night. and I cleaned the bathroom.

Every time with wet wipes that were in the cupboard, I'd wipe everything down. I felt so bad that I was going to ruin her children for the next two weeks. And the next morning as she got up, she was going. And she said, stay as long as you need and leave when you feel like it. And there's no coming back from that, right? Like two days later, you're healthy. I had this for two weeks. I lost a bunch of weight. I felt awful.

I started thinking I had something else going on, so I was going to the doctor. I'm like, something's wrong with me. Yeah, but I hope you'll laugh at this joke, but you're a firefighter, so you know exactly how to get out of work for a long, long time, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And technically...

It could have been an on-the-job injury. Pick up that virus on the job and you're good for a couple months. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's so rough. It wasn't pleasant, but like I said, I have a lot of bad day stories. but this one I think really was... The shittiest. Did you not have the heart to even pursue her anymore or did she kind of put the brakes on? We went out several times. Oh, okay. We did finally seal the deal and had a short relationship, but we had a nice time. This whole story.

my wife loves. She's so thankful that somewhere out there in the world someone probably refers to me as Diarrhea Dave. Yeah. Do you guys mind if I bring my wife? We'd love to meet her. Hello. Hello.

You have an armchair and dangerous shirt. Did you go to Seattle? Portland. Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah, you're in Washington, but you're closer to Portland. Diarrhea Dave. Diarrhea Dave. When he told it to me we were dating, I remember it exactly because I... was laying in bed and I was crying I was laughing so hard and he's like you want to hear about this date with this other girl I'm like this is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life that has prompted me to tell her a lot of

bad date stories. You opened the door. This diarrhea story, we've heard so many on your show. Yeah. And this would just seem like it fit right in. Yeah, the fact that you didn't do it in a public grocery store or in the freezer. It's tame. In comparison. It's very classy, actually. The freezer one. That story got us thinking about a trip to Mexico we had. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. You seem so fun.

And I feel like you're in the right spot in the country. We are. It's beautiful here right now. It's so nice meeting both of you. Have a great rest of your summer. Thanks so much. Bye. All right. Bye, guys. Hello. Can you hear us? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Hi, guys. Oh, yay! Who do people tell you you look like? Well, first of all, let's get a fake name on the books for you. You can call me whatever you want. It doesn't matter. Okay, I'm going to call you Florence. Oh, I love that. And when you first signed on, I thought she looks like Keira Sedgwick. I could see that. I love her. I do too. I love her. Where are you at, Florence? I'm actually in Nashville.

Oh my God, you should come over and we'll do this in the studio. I know. When she said Central Time, I wondered. And are you from Nashville or did you move here? I moved here about almost 15 years ago. From the North? Close to here, but not too close. I don't want to say because that's where my story is from. Sure, we understand. And the fact that you're being so protective is encouraging. We like the fake name and no location. It means you might have killed this date. Please tell us about it.

It did happen about 18 years ago, I think in 2007. I remember I did not have an iPhone. I had a Blackberry. How much do you miss the Blackberry? I liked it. I could type like 120 words a minute on that fucking thing. That keyboard was awesome. There was no, you know, find my friends, no Google mapping or any kind of mapping. So I went into this business and met this man. We'll call Ted. Great guy. He actually owned the business and ended up really kind of chit-chatting.

for quite a while, was in his office meeting all his employees and stuff. He was just a nice guy. And we found out we had a couple of mutual friends, a couple of guy friends. I thought, okay, that's nice. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch.

Okay, sure, I'll go to lunch. And in the meantime, I called one of his friends because I Googled and I knew nothing about this man. And I was a single mom, had kids, and I just tried to be a little bit cautious. I asked one of my guy friends and he's like, oh, he's a great guy. He's a little bit of a playboy, but just know that.

Okay, we can live with that. We met for lunch, had a nice lunch, and he talked and talked, and he was quite fond of this property, very proud of it, and he wanted me to see his property at some point. So he ended up asking me then to go to dinner. But he explained that he had like 200 plus acres.

He had an airplane, airplane hanger, a runway on the property. This is going to turn into a pretty woman or a decent proposal. Theodore Turner. I ended up going to meet him for dinner. I didn't let him pick me up because again. I have kids at home and I just don't do that. I said, I'll meet you. And he's like, you'll never find my house, but I'll meet you on the main drag at this gas station. And then you can follow me in. Okay, perfect. And then we'll go from there. So that's what I did.

And as I was following him, I'm kind of writing on the console. I had a little piece of paper and I'm like, third right at the fire hydrant. There weren't even street signs. And were you writing that down to tell law enforcement or to find your way back?

No, I just knew I would probably struggle getting out of there. When I got there, we parked at his house and he's like, you know, there's a storm rolling in. I said, yeah, I know. I saw that. That's too bad. And he goes, well, let's hurry up and we'll go do a quick tour and then we'll go to dinner. Okay. said, just come in the truck and I'll take you over to the hangar. So I jump in his truck.

And we go over and he has mules and four wheelers and that kind of stuff. So I jump in a four wheeler. But in the meantime, I put my car keys in the cup holder of the truck because I didn't want to.

tour 200 acres and lose my keys. So Florence, really quick, I'm going to pause you to say that I wish I could hire you because you're already the most meticulous. The fact that you were taking notes on the ride and also you're like 25 steps ahead. Okay. In a half hour, I'll be done with that tour. I'll want my.

keys i mean you're on you're thinking ahead yeah you're a thorough son of a gun i am we're now in the four-wheeler and we're starting to tour all his property and it was beautiful it's very peaceful commenting on how trims the trails back and he's driving and we're like up on a bluff and we're overlooking. He's like, I own all this land. And then he keeps going. Then all of a sudden he stops.

and turned the four-wheeler off. He's like, what do you hear? And I said, nothing. It's wonderful. I get why you love it here so much. It's so serene. And this is where it kind of turns. He put his hand like on the back of his head and leaned up against the door. had his tongue on the inside cheek of his mouth, and he's pointing to the property, shaking his head, and he goes, you know, they'd never find you out here. Stop it. What? No.

Did he think that was a funny joke? You know, you don't know. And I'm just kind of looking at him and I'm trying to process it. And they're like, is this danger? Is this? Comedy, what is happening? I honestly couldn't even think. And I didn't know what to do other than to kind of act dumb and stall. And I'm like, what? And he said, something happened to you out here. Nobody would ever find you. He did not.

change anything he was completely serious and looking at me almost like you stupid woman no There was something that had turned in his demeanor. Oh, my God. It was so scary. Every alarm inside of me was going off. And I thought, you know what? This is so sad. I'm going to die right here, right now.

kids at home and I didn't know what to do. And so I just thought I'm going to make him fight for it. I kind of hit him with my elbow a couple of times, very playfully. And I mean, what are you going to say? I just said, okay, I'll give you that. And I got right in his face. We were nose to nose. And I said, But they'll sure as hell find you because, you know, my girlfriends know I'm with you. Yes.

Honestly, nobody knew I was with him. And then I said, surely he saw me talking on the phone on the way in, which I wasn't. And I just prayed he wasn't like watching what I was doing as he was driving. Cause I don't know. That's just. a weird thing to say to somebody that's not funny of course yeah yeah a woman out in the middle of nowhere how's she gonna find the humor in that he started the four-wheeler back up and i thought oh praise the lord he started going and then again i'm thinking

I'm going to get killed. This is not a good situation, but he is going to work for it. He is not going to see me sweat. And I just said, oh, and by the way, don't think I'm not looking for bodies on the side of the trail here. And he did not flinch. He's holding a wheel.

staring straight ahead and he goes actually you should be looking for a freshly overturned soil and he just kept driving and i'm like who says that unless you just dug a grave of some sort we keep going and i'm just chit-chatting i'm

Acting like there is nothing going on. You're sending signals. I'm not scared of you. Yeah. Which are smart. Confidence. That is smart. That's what kicked in. This is about a 15 minute ride at the end. We get back and we pull into where his house was. And I thought, oh my gosh. Okay. It's getting better.

Though I knew I didn't have my car keys and I didn't want him to know that. And I didn't think he was processing everything. So he's like, come on in, let's have a glass of wine. We were going to go to dinner. And he did say. The restaurant stopped serving at like 830 or something. And now it's like seven. And I'm thinking, I'm not getting in a car with you. I'm not going anywhere with you, but I don't know what to do. So I'm just stalling. So I follow him into the house.

I never let him get behind me. He's always in front of me. I'm looking like, okay, to the left, there's fireplace utensils. to the right. There's a big face and I'm watching him walk and something with his lower back wasn't right. So I'm like, go for the lower back. What do you do? He's like, come on, I'll pour some wine. And you know, I'm watching very closely and he's pouring it both glasses and I'm thinking.

Clearly I'm not going to drink any because I don't know if it's laced with something. He downed his first glass really quickly, which. told me he was nervous, right? Because he's going to murder me. Oh my God. And he got up to get more and he's like, why aren't you drinking your wine? I said, Oh, I'm just really enjoying the conversation. I don't know what to say. I'm just watching the clock. I'm just keeping him talking.

another glass of wine. He drank it relatively quickly, but he's talking and talking. It was about 7.10 and he's like, we need to get going to the restaurant. And I said, Actually, I'm just having so much fun right here with you, listening to all your stories. I'm content staying here if you are, because I'm not going anywhere with him. I'm not getting in a car and I don't know what to do. I'm just trying to stall and then I can maybe get out of there.

Right at 830, I realized I didn't even have my phone on me. And I said, oh my gosh, I need to get my phone. And I just realized I left it in my car. That's so unusual of me because in case my kids needed to reach me. And so I stood up. As I'm walking out, I'm just about to go out the door. I said, I just need my phone in case my kids need to reach me. And then he goes, and in case you get murdered. What the?

fuck is going on? I just, I feel like I heard nothing. I just kept going. I got in my car. And now, of course, I'm like shaking. Like, what do I do? What do I do? But you didn't have your keys. Right. Now you got to decide whether you're going to call 911 or not, which has got to be hard. And I don't even really know where I am. I'm really back in the boonies. It's not like I can tell them how to get to me. So I'm like, all right, you can do this. Go back in.

for another 30 minutes, just stall and then get out of there. And that's kind of what I did. I went back in and at 15 minutes, I said, I need to be leaving soon. And he's like, what? You're not leaving. And I said, not just yet, but in a little bit. And I said, my daughter's on a date.

I don't even know where this stuff came from. And I said, I promised her since I wasn't there when the young man picked her up that I would be there when she got home. So, you know, I have to do that. I gave it another 15 minutes and I said, oh, I really got to get going. And he was not happy, but I said, you know, I need to do.

the right thing. And I waited till we got all the way out to my car because I could tell he did not know I didn't have my keys. And he at this point had three glasses of wine. So I felt much better. Like I did feel I could probably beat him if I had to. And right when we got to my car, I said, oh, my keys are in your truck. And he goes, oh, here, just jump in the four wheel. We'll go over and get it. And he's driving over there again. It's pitch black. I don't even know where the heck.

It is. I jumped out of the four-wheeler, opened the car, grabbed my keys, got back in in like 1.5 seconds because I thought he's going to leave me. I'll never be able to find my way out of here again. Anyway, he took me back and I got out and it was scary. And thank God. directions now because I never would have found my way out of the neighborhood. Wow.

Did he ask you out again? So he called me on my way out after about 10 minutes. He's like, hey, I'm just checking. Did you find your way out? Because I know he thought I didn't. I said, oh, yeah, I'm by. And I gave him a marking. I just passed the big cowboy hat. Yeah, whatever. And he goes, what? You're there already. The only way I could have been there is if I was.

Flying. I was shaking so bad. I remember I was doing 90. I was like, please pull me over. Anyway, I made it home. He did call a couple of times. I just never answered his call. No, you didn't need to. That's so weird. When I got home, my daughter.

She was there. She was about, I think, 15 at the time. And she said, how was your date? And I said, no, not so good. And she goes. mom, I've never seen you like this. And I was like, do I tell her? Do I not? And I thought, you know what? This is a life lesson. And you want her to tell you if something like this happens? 100%. So I did share it with her and she was freaked out. It was one of the.

worst nights it really was life-changing yeah yeah you get a sense of like oh gosh it can go that bad so quickly and especially mutual friends and i always thought i'll never ask another man about another man only ask the women that's like you tell your Kids, find a woman if you're lost. Find a mom first. But also, this guy seems kind of like a big shot, obviously, as a plane and stuff. So is he, like, known?

He had his own business. He was on the board of a bank. It was so bizarre. This is so strange. Nothing I ever thought I would go through, but I made it. Oh, yeah. I can only imagine how good you felt when you were driving in your car. It was started. Yeah, but then it's like, what if he pops up in the backseat? Or you get home and you open the front door and he's sitting on it. Yeah. Oh, my God.

scary movies. We watched one last night, so it's a little fresh on Monica's brain. She's been talking about ghosts a lot today. Oh, well, I'm so glad you're okay. That's harrowing. Fuck. Ugh. That's a long time to be in a situation you don't want to be in. And I like to tell this story because I really honestly hope other people will learn from my mistake and don't put themselves in such a vulnerable situation. I felt it was safe. It was technically was almost like a second or third date, but.

Yeah, you have mutual friends. He's like an upstanding member. And you didn't do a lot. You didn't let him come pick you up. You did a lot of things right. I mean, I don't know what else really you could have done. It was quite surprising to me. Do you think he's killed anyone? Do you monitor at all?

I haven't, but I've thought about it. I really do believe there were bodies buried on that property for him to say, looking for freshly overturned soil. So weird. And he flies from his property. So he had a house in Florida. And if he left Florida with. Somebody. How would anyone know? Never. Ooh. God. Icky, icky, icky. So icky. Florence, boy, I'm really glad that worked out. And it sounds like you did as...

fucking good as a human could do in that situation. It's funny because if you ask any of my friends, they all would have said, you are the last person we would ever think put yourself in this situation that that would have happened to. But I often have wondered if I had reacted really fearful and scared.

would it have had a different outcome? Yeah. Totally. This is a good cautionary tale. Be careful out there, everybody. Be careful. Yeah, do your Google searches, ask your friends. Oh, man. Well, it's lovely meeting you. I'm delighted we're in the same place. I live very close to your favorite steakhouse. Oh, I went last week.

I've got about 16 bottles of the blue cheese dressing in my house. Oh my God. Does the guy own the restaurant? No. Different town. Well, lovely meeting you. I hope I bump into you in real life. I do too. You guys take care and thank you so much.

Of course. All right. Take care. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I understand her friends saying that because she's very. type A and meticulous and you think like, well, she's not sloppy about anything. That's what's scary. It's like even that person can find themselves in this type of situation. I hate to say it, but everything's an illusion of everything, right? No one's more or less likely to end up in a fucking...

up situation. I mean, that's not true. I don't think that's true. If you're doing drugs and drinking. If you're being very reckless. Yeah, yeah. I take it all back. That was a bad last point. Will you make a great last point? No, you try. Make another great point? Yeah. I mean, truly, a penny saved is a penny earned. Yeah, that is true. Right? That is a really good point. I mean, it's not, of course, because it was already your penny.

Oh, my God. But it's still words to live by and I stand by them. And I think that was Benjamin Franklin. All right. Love you. I love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help... Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app.

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This is Nick. And this is Jack. We're best friends, ex-finance guys, and resident 90s experts. And every week on our podcast, The Best Idea Yet, we're bringing you the untold stories behind your favorite products. For instance, can you guess which billion-dollar...

fashion company went viral thanks to a rhinestone-covered tracksuit? Or which cartoon turned four turtles into a global toy empire by accident? It started as a joke. Last one. Which cold beverage was so hated by Starbucks they actually ended up acquiring?

it. Spoiler, the Frappuccino. Howard Schultz apparently thought cold coffee was super lame and then he bought it. From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Juicy Couture to the Orange Mocha Frappuccino. Join us every week to learn how your favorite things got made. Follow The Best Idea Yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. And you can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+. And if this podcast lasts longer than 45 minutes, call your doctor.