Religion often has a lot to say about infidelity: forgive, stay, move on. But what if these teachings complicate, rather than heal, the emotional devastation of betrayal? In this episode, Luke explores the intersection of faith and infidelity, unpacking the pressures placed on both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner. We’ll discuss: How religious expectations can shape the healing journey, for better or worse. The cultural and societal variations in how infidelity is perceived and judged. Th...
Dec 11, 2024•15 min•Season 2024Ep. 116
Staying for the kids" is a phrase loaded with expectation and sacrifice. But is staying in a relationship after betrayal truly the noble choice? Or could it be teaching your children lessons about love, self-worth, and authenticity that you never intended? In this episode of After the Affair, we explore: The societal mantra of “staying for the kids” and why it’s not always the best path. The hidden costs of staying in an inauthentic relationship. How children absorb lessons about love and self-w...
Dec 04, 2024•11 min•Season 2024Ep. 115
What counts as cheating? For some, it’s clear-cut. For others, it’s a grey area. In this thought-provoking episode, I sit down with porn addiction coach Matt Smith to explore where we draw the line when it comes to pornography and betrayal. We dive into: The blurry boundaries of infidelity and porn consumption. Why shame and secrecy often fuel addiction. How to start breaking free from cycles of guilt and dependency. The emotional impact of porn on relationships, and what it means for you. Wheth...
Nov 27, 2024•51 min•Season 2024Ep. 114
Emotional affairs might not leave physical evidence, but their impact can be just as devastating as physical infidelity. In this episode of After the Affair, we dive deep into the hidden world of emotional affairs, the betrayals that happen through private messages, late-night conversations, and intimate connections that cross the boundaries of committed relationships. We’ll explore: What exactly defines an emotional affair? Why emotional betrayal hurts as much as, or even more than, physical ch...
Nov 20, 2024•21 min•Season 2024Ep. 113
In this episode of After the Affair, we’re exploring a question that many men find themselves asking but few know how to answer: What does it mean to be a man today? As gender roles evolve and the traditional definitions of success and purpose shift, men are left to find new ways to build identity, self-worth, and connection. For some, these uncertainties can lead to choices like infidelity, decisions often rooted in a lack of fulfilment, identity confusion, or the need for external validation. ...
Nov 13, 2024•15 min•Season 2024Ep. 112
In the final part of our mini-series, we talk about something that many people don’t expect, how the imbalances created by infidelity can linger long after the relationship ends. Whether it’s guilt, shame, anger, or resentment, the emotional aftermath of infidelity doesn’t always disappear when the papers are signed, and the relationship is officially over. We’ll explore how the ‘ghost’ of the broken relationship continues to show up in your life, influencing how you see yourself, how you approa...
Nov 06, 2024•14 min•Season 2024Ep. 111
In the second part of our mini-series on imbalance after infidelity, we explore what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything ‘right’, apologising, attending therapy, being transparent, yet it still feels like nothing is changing. Why, despite their best efforts, does the relationship remain stuck? We’ll look at the emotional wall the betrayed partner builds, why it’s so hard to move forward even when the unfaithful partner is doing all they can, and how to navigate the frustratio...
Oct 30, 2024•11 min•Season 2024Ep. 110
In this episode of After the Affair, we dive into a frustrating dynamic that many betrayed partners face after infidelity, the unfair expectation that they should be the ones to fix the relationship. You didn’t break it, so why is it your job to pick up the pieces? We’ll explore the imbalance that happens when the betrayed partner is left carrying the emotional weight, expected to forgive and move forward while the unfaithful partner seems off the hook. This episode is the first part of a three-...
Oct 23, 2024•13 min•Season 2024Ep. 109
In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings explores how relationships, like technology, need regular updates to stay in sync. Just like your phone’s apps and software need upgrades to keep functioning smoothly, relationships also require personal growth and communication to thrive over time. If you and your partner aren’t growing together, you risk falling out of sync, feeling disconnected, and losing that emotional intimacy. Luke discusses why relationships tend to slow down or feel “g...
Oct 16, 2024•16 min•Season 2024Ep. 108
In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the topic of relationship statistics and why they don’t define you. While statistics can provide context, they don’t account for the unique dynamics, growth, and emotional complexities of each individual relationship. Luke explores the dangers of letting numbers dictate your relationship's fate and shares two real-life examples, one of a person who defied the odds and rebuilt trust after infidelity, and another who, despi...
Oct 09, 2024•11 min•Season 2024Ep. 107
In this episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings tackles a frustration many men experience but rarely talk about, the feeling that no matter what they do, they just can't "win" in relationships. Why do so many men feel like they’re failing with their partner? And why is this something that women need to understand too? Luke dives into the core reasons behind this feeling, discussing: Differences in communication styles between men and women The pressure men feel to solve problems rather ...
Oct 02, 2024•22 min•Season 2024Ep. 106
In this powerful episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings delves into a deeply nuanced and often overlooked aspect of infidelity: same-sex affairs within long-term marriages. Inspired by a listener’s courageous story, Luke explores the unique layers of shock, pain, and confusion that arise when a spouse’s betrayal involves a partner of the same sex. He discusses: The emotional impact of discovering a same-sex affair after decades of marriage The added complexity of questioning not just t...
Sep 25, 2024•16 min•Season 2024Ep. 105
Welcome back to After the Affair with your host, Luke Shillings. In today’s episode, we're flipping the traditional approach to healing on its head. Instead of the typical steps to "heal" after betrayal, we're diving into something radical—the Inverse Approach. What if instead of chasing closure, security, and control, we did the opposite? What if we didn’t aim to heal in the conventional sense, but instead, embraced the uncertainty, pain, and unpredictability that comes with betrayal? Join Luke...
Sep 18, 2024•26 min•Season 2024Ep. 104
In this episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the societal expectations surrounding infidelity and why many of them are not just wrong but harmful. He lists the top 34 most common Societal Expectation Statements and challenges each and every one! We often think of infidelity in black-and-white terms, assigning blame and passing judgement based on outdated norms and rigid stereotypes. But infidelity is far more complex than society tends to acknowledge. Luke unpa...
Sep 11, 2024•28 min•Season 2024Ep. 103
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings delves into the concept of "doing the work" in the aftermath of betrayal, particularly in the context of the self-help world. Often, we think of self-help as something we turn to only when something in our lives has gone wrong, a reactive measure rather than a proactive one. But the bigger question is, what does 'doing the work' even mean? Luke discusses the importance of committing to self-improvement not just in times of crisis but as ...
Sep 04, 2024•18 min•Season 2024Ep. 102
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Afraid to Be Seen? The Hard Truth About Validation and Betrayal," we tackle the uncomfortable truths that many of us face in the wake of infidelity and betrayal. This episode dives deep into the insecurities that often lie beneath the surface, those parts of us that crave external validation, fear rejection, and struggle with identity. Luke explores how early experiences shape our self-worth...
Aug 28, 2024•24 min•Season 2024Ep. 101
Welcome to a special 100th episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this milestone episode, titled "The Anniversaries We Hate: Redefining Time and Memory," we take a deep dive into the emotional significance of anniversaries, those dates on the calendar that can bring both joy and dread. From birthdays and weddings to D-days and divorces, anniversaries often carry a heavy emotional weight. In this episode, we explore why we associate such strong feelings with these dates,...
Aug 21, 2024•18 min•Season 2024Ep. 100
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "The Want Match: Aligning Desires After Betrayal," we explore the concept of the "Want Match," which focuses on aligning the desires and needs of both partners in a relationship. This episode delves into how recognising and understanding these wants can create a more balanced and fulfilling partnership. Luke shares practical steps to identify, communicate, and navigate these desires, along wi...
Aug 14, 2024•15 min•Season 2024Ep. 101
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Trickle Truth: The Pain of Gradual Disclosure in Infidelity," we'll explore the challenging and often painful experience of trickle truth, also known as "drip feeding" the truth or "gradual disclosure." This episode delves into why trickle truth happens, its impact on both the betrayed and unfaithful partners and the emotional complexities involved. Luke shares listener stories and provides ...
Aug 07, 2024•15 min•Season 2024Ep. 98
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Time to Choose: Infidelity and the Truth We Face," we discuss the impact that facing a finite timeline can have on our decisions and relationships, particularly in the context of infidelity. What happens when we're confronted with the reality of limited time? How do our priorities shift, and what truths come to light? Join Luke as he explores how the awareness of mortality can bring clarity ...
Jul 31, 2024•16 min•Season 2024Ep. 97
Winning your next argument is the most important thing, right? Join Luke Shillings - Relationship and Infidelity Recovery Coach as he unpicks the psychological and emotional reasons behind our desire to be right in arguments, especially in the aftermath of betrayal. We explore how this need can create a zero-sum game in relationships, leading to increased resentment and conflict. Luke shares personal anecdotes and practical insights on how to move past this need, fostering better understanding a...
Jul 24, 2024•15 min•Season 2024Ep. 96
Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Healing from Betrayal Using Internal Family Systems (IFS)," we explore how the therapeutic approach of IFS can help both betrayed and unfaithful partners understand and heal from the pain of infidelity. Join Luke as he delves into the concept of internal parts, how they influence our emotions and behaviours, and practical steps to foster self-compassion and personal growth. Key Topics Discus...
Jul 17, 2024•23 min•Season 2024Ep. 95
Luke explains how individuals might be drawn to different partners for various reasons and how these dynamics can influence infidelity. Through multiple theoretical lenses, including sociocultural, psychological, feminist, economic, and humanistic perspectives, this episode offers a comprehensive understanding of why people might prioritize different aspects of relationships. Key Points Discussed: Introduction to the "Lover vs. Provider" theory and its evolutionary roots. How the theory applies ...
Jul 10, 2024•22 min•Season 2024Ep. 94
Discover how the pain of betrayal often extends beyond the physical act, touching on what the affair represented rather than the individual affair partner. In this episode, Luke explores the emotional dynamics from both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse's perspectives, offering insights into how these narratives can be challenged and transformed for healing and growth. Key Points Discussed: The significance of the stories we tell ourselves after an affair. How affairs often symbolise deeper iss...
Jul 03, 2024•21 min•Season 2024Ep. 93
Welcome to another insightful episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, we delve into a common struggle faced by many betrayed partners – the belief that their healing is tied to their spouse’s actions. Whether it's waiting for an apology, seeking explanations, or hoping for changes in behaviour, many feel stuck in a cycle of dependency. Luke explores why these beliefs take such a stronghold and how they can keep you trapped in a state of emotional limbo. Mor...
Jun 26, 2024•16 min•Season 2024Ep. 92
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me, your host Luke Shillings as I discover how limiting beliefs can keep you stuck in negative patterns and how shifting your mindset can open up new possibilities for growth and recovery. Whether it’s about self-worth, trust, or what you think you deserve in love, your beliefs shape your reality in powerful ways. Learn practical steps to challenge and change these beliefs to create a more empowered and fulfilling life. Key Topics Covered: The definiti...
Jun 19, 2024•21 min•Season 2024Ep. 91
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the neuroscience behind trust and betrayal. Understanding these processes can be crucial in healing from infidelity and building stronger relationships. Join us as we explore how our brains process trust, the impact of betrayal, and practical strategies to foster healing and resilience. Key Topics Covered: The brain regions involved in trust and betrayal: the limbic system, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex. The role...
Jun 12, 2024•21 min•Season 2024Ep. 90
Welcome to another episode of "After the Affair." I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and today we're tackling a crucial aspect of recovery that many people might not even realise they're struggling with: unhealthy coping mechanisms. After experiencing the emotional upheaval of infidelity, it's easy to fall into habits that seem helpful in the moment but actually hinder your healing process. In this episode, we'll explore: What coping mechanisms are and why they are important for your recovery. Real-...
Jun 05, 2024•25 min•Season 2024Ep. 89
In this insightful episode of "After the Affair," host Luke Shillings delves into the complex phenomenon of hysterical bonding that often follows infidelity. Discover what hysterical bonding is, how common it is, and the differences between healthy and unhealthy forms. Learn practical strategies to manage this intense emotional response and ensure it doesn't cause further damage to your relationship. Join Luke as he explores these crucial aspects and provides actionable advice for couples naviga...
May 29, 2024•17 min•Season 2024Ep. 88
In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me Luke Shillings, as I take a look into the fascinating world of polyamory to uncover valuable insights that can aid in healing from infidelity. Polyamorous relationships, known for their emphasis on open communication, emotional intelligence, and the unique concept of compersion, offer profound lessons for monogamous couples recovering from betrayal. Join Luke as he explores: The definition and history of polyamory Psychological perspectives on manag...
May 22, 2024•14 min•Season 2024Ep. 87
