Hey, everybody. Welcome to the addiction unlimited podcast, where you get to learn everything you wanna know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pew, c founder of Kansas City recovery, life coach, and recovering alcoholic, To learn more about me, you can listen to episode 0 on your podcast app or find us on the web at addiction unlimited dot com. Hey, everybody. Thank you for hanging out with
me today and listening to the pod. I'm your coach, Angela Pew helping you get that sober life you want. So your struggle is changing your thinking, loving yourself. You feel like you're never enough. It's a daily struggle not only to eliminate alcohol from your life, but to learn how to think in a way that's more supportive and positive. And 1 of our online recovery meetings the other day, 1 of our members said, she knows whatever her first thought is, it's usually wrong.
She said, she's just come to terms with the fact that when she recognizes her first thought in a situation, she automatically does the opposite. And I know I chuckle, but you guys it's so true, and I was exactly the same way. So this so resonated with me when she started talking about it. You've heard me tell the story of my early sobriety when someone approached me at a meeting and invited me to a girl's dinner right with several ladies from May. I was literally like,
2 weeks sober and scared to death. I may have only been 1 week sober. No. I think I was 2 weeks sober, but it was my first week going to Aa because my first week really sober. Remember I had a car act. Accident. So my whole face and head was all busted up. So my first week sober, I was just resting at my house. I couldn't really drive and do those kind of things. So my first A meeting. I was already 7 days sober. So I think that's where I get confused
in my head. So I was probably 2 weeks sober what was my first week in Aa. Anyway, I don't know why I just had to go through all that. But so you guys know because you need to know every detail. So you've heard me tell the story. She approached me, asked me to go to dinner and Remember, I'm an introvert anyway, and I was new so my anxiety was unbearable. And the only places I wanted to be were home
or at my Aa group. I didn't wanna go anywhere else for a long time because those were my safe places. And I was pretty freaked out. I know I don't talk about this too much, but I was pretty freaked out after my car accident. I was really freaked out about the whole thing. I had... Crazy anxiety and fear. I had major fear about driving. And I was kind of a mess for a little while. I was just very, very uneasy and kind of scared of everything. Probably just shock and trauma and all of
that stuff. Right? So she invites me to this dinner. I don't know anyone in the committee immediately says, hell, no. We're not doing that. And and as soon as I heard the committee in my head, say, hell, no. I immediately knew I had to do it. So I looked at her and I said, yeah, I'd love to. I went that evening to the restaurant. I sat in my car and cried for probably 15 minutes before I went inside, my anxiety was out of control but I knew I had to must the courage to go inside.
So even though my anxiety was crazy, and the committee was begging to leave and and giving me every rationalization in the world as to why it was okay for me to leave, I knew I had to do it. And I did it. So why is it that our first response is usually wrong? Why is it that? We want to numb and treat every discomfort from boredom to sadness with booze? And why doesn't it change when we stop drinking? You know drinking is the problem, So why doesn't everything becomes super simple when you stop?
It's your thinking. When we're compulsive and impulsive and unhealthy and dependent and insecure, And those are the things we are when we have substance issues, we are all of that. And when we function from those places, we make decisions for all the wrong reasons. Are you with me? We function from a place of instant gratification, instead of doing what is best in the long run. We want what feels good now rather than what is actually good. Our motives are off.
Most of us spent years living like that, training our brains to make decisions in a certain way choose the date because the attention feels really good right now. Even if you know that isn't the type of person you wanna be with long term, but the attention and companionship and lust, all feel great in that moment so we go for it. We're not capable of thinking about the long term. We act on that feeling in the moment. What feels good right now instead of being a grown up in thinking big picture.
Here's a great example of that instant gratification thinking where I was just absolutely ridiculous. Right? And I tell you this story as so you can see how deep seated this thought process is. Right? It infiltrate every area. Okay. This was many years ago. I was probably in my first year of sobriety maybe second. I was buying furniture for my bedroom, and I had found this incredible bed online that I really wanted.
There was only 1 store in my city that sold that bed So like a good alcoholic, I drop everything and I go directly to the store, determined to get my bed. When I got there, they informed me that, yes, they do sell that bed, but they don't keep it in stock. It has to be ordered. It takes 6 to 8 weeks to come in. And I remember thinking where the f is this damn bed coming from exact clean like, what in God's name takes 6 to 8 weeks. You guys I couldn't handle it. I said ef you, I can't wait that
long. And I left. You know what I did? I went to another store, and I bought a bed that was not nearly as amazing as the 1 I wanted, just because they could deliver it immediately. I needed that instant gratification. And ladies, you will totally get this to
you. I can't tell you how many items of clothing I've purchased in my life that weren't even my size or a color that I didn't like or didn't fit exactly right, but I thought I can make it work just because I wanted that little high of instant gratification. Are you with me? It's so silly you guys.
We do this in so many ways getting into relationships or getting married even when there are a thousand red flags because we want the instant gratification, we want to be in that feeling in that moment instead of thinking what's right for the big picture for the long term.
Driving to an meeting and sitting in the parking lot, too afraid to go in and you leave because the instant gratification of getting back to your comfort zone is all you want in that moment or avoiding a tough conversation with your kids or boss or partner, because you don't want them to be upset with you or have a fight. The instant gratification of feeling good and safe and getting along is more important than having a crappy and difficult conversation.
Then you end up keeping everything inside, not advocating for yourself not telling your kids or partner or boss, what you need, then you're miserable, then you get resent and wanna blame them for all your problems. Enough my friends enough. Or how about that yummy food or dessert? We love to partake in so often instant gratification because you know you don't feel great after you have it.
If I'm having too many sweet treats in a week, I do not feel good about it because I know I'm being impulsive and compulsive. Not to mention the physical and emotional effect of those foods and choices too. Just like drinking, it's instant gratification. You get uncomfortable. You want the feelings to go away You want the committee to shut the f up, and the drink is the fastest route to freedom, but only in that instant, definitely not in the long
term. Because you're gonna wake up the next day, feeling like a failure hating yourself, wondering what the f is wrong with you, that you can't get control of this thing. In those moments of contemplating a drink, The decision really is about what kind of life you want for yourself. Do you want a life you love being a person you're proud of, or do you want a life you hate where you're be braid yourself and cursing yourself all day every day? And here we are back at micro decisions.
You hear me say it on almost every episode. Your life, your reality is a collection of the little split second tiny decisions you make a hundred times a day. Be sad or take action to counteract the sadness. Sit in anxiety or look for relief. Feel overwhelmed or call someone and talk through it. Ob obsessed over drinking or not drinking. Or go to a meeting and get love and support from like minded people. Do things to grow your recovery or get complacent and watch at Vanish.
Each moment is a choice. And what you have to practice is not getting caught up in the instant gratification because instant is almost never the best choice. Are you stuck in instant gratification? Are you ready to start taking better care of yourself and making more solid and stable choices? Fear plays a huge role in this too, and it's okay to have fear. What you wanna practice is having fear and moving forward anyway. That's courage. We all have fear. There's nothing weird or
unusual or uncommon about that. We all have fear. We all have anxiety, which is fear. It's when you get to a place that you can acknowledge the fear, accept the fear, let it be and still move forward and do the next right thing for you in spite of the fear. Instant gratification is a trap because it keeps you in your comfort zone. And if you are anything like me, my comfort zone was drunk.
It was drunk, crippled by fear I was held hostage by instant gratification and lacking the ability to to escape because drinking made me weak. I just didn't have the strength, the mental capacity to figure out how to get out of there. In my sobriety on the other hand, I get to regain my mental clarity. So I can see things in a new way, and I can begin to challenge myself to take actions that feel very scary, but no, I can get through it and know that I will be okay.
Man, addiction hates that you guys. It hates when you believe in yourself and trust yourself because it knows it's losing control of you. It's losing power over you. I want you to start thinking about this is instant gratification. Your initial thoughts aren't usually wrong because something is wrong with you they're usually wrong because we're used to making decisions based on the wrong reasons. You make your life choices based on comfort and instant vacation and fear.
Well, that's a pretty shitty criteria, honestly. I mean, you're probably not gonna get far with that. 1 of the ways I started making this shift is thinking about everything in delayed gratification. The greatest feelings in life come with delayed gratification. Think about it. The things you most appreciate are probably the things you had to work hard for plan for study for, you had to be committed and dedicated or that big purchase like your house or dream car or a handbag.
Maybe you really had to work hard and follow a budget and save money to afford what you wanted. But you did it and it felt amazing. That's delayed gratification. Start thinking about this in every area of your life when your drunk friends invite you to do something, and you know you will be uncomfortable and it will trigger alt kinds of feelings, and it will put you in a position to drink, say no. Instant gratification makes you wanna say yes, because you wanna be with your friends, you
wanna feel included and cared about. You wanna do something exciting and not be bored, but you know better. You know big picture, that's not the best choice for you. So go for the delayed gratification, the feeling that will come the next morning when you wake up and feel good. Not hungover, and you're proud of yourself for taking initiative for making a healthy choice in protecting yourself, That's self love.
You guys ask me a lot about how to learn to love yourselves more, and this is 1 of those ways. Building self esteem and learning to care for yourself means you do the things that are right for you. Not what feels good in the moment. But what is best for you as a human? That means sometimes I stay home and give myself a facial and binge watch Tiger King instead of meeting my friends or scheduling client calls or working on my website. I love doing all those things.
And when my battery is dying, I have to recharge and that is my responsibility. When you catch yourself being impatient or snip. It's usually because you aren't getting what you want. It's not going fast enough. It's not coming when you want it to, you have to wait and you don't like to. People won't do what you want them to or act the way you want them to or say the things you want them to. At the core of all of this is instant gratification and selfish and control, of course.
I want what I want when I want it. Practice being okay with things just as they are. Practice acceptance that things aren't going your way, and they aren't supposed to. It's not the world's responsibility to make sure you get what you want exactly the way you want it. It's your responsibility to do that. And getting what you want for the long term, the big picture means making healthy and stable choices in your life each day. Don't get caught up in instant gratification.
Don't spend your money on the new jeans, then be panicked and pissed off when you don't have money for your phone bill. When you really want the new genes, think it through. Think about the consequences of that decision, a week or 2 weeks down the road, think about how badly you'll feel when you're in a panic about the phone bill and having to run around, like, a crazy person, trying to come up with a hundred dollars and possibly having to borrow money from someone.
All of a sudden and then, those new genes, You get a little resent a little resentment for them because you're mad, Adam because you're mad at yourself because you spend the money the wrong way. Been there done that. And that definitely doesn't feel good or go on 1 of the consignment sites posh marker or something and get the jeans anyway for a much smaller price. If you wanna live a drama free life then you have to make drama free choices.
I pay my bills on time now because I don't wanna be in a panic, and feel all that an and shame of being late because I blew my money like an irresponsible kid because that's what I used to do. Over and over and over. I would absolutely buy a handbag instead of paying the cable bill because I knew I could work an extra shift and make that money back and pay the cable bill late. Of course, I didn't have healthy self esteem behaving like that.
I was just jumping around my life from 1 instant gratification to the next. I wasn't making smart choices for myself or thinking things through. I was chasing the high. Whether it was a handbag, a guy, a trip, a new car, a drink. It was all moment to moment. With no plan. When I got the ability to slow down a bit and start to see how being that impulsive was not serving me. That's when I got to start making better choices.
That's when I could see that the guys I liked, were not the healthiest choice for me, even though all that fun, and lust and in infatuation felt great. I always ended up sad because I didn't intentionally choose people that were a good fit for me. I chose people based on how good it felt in the moment. Then I could see that when I was so impatient and didn't have... The ability to wait for the furniture I really wanted. I ended up with furniture. I didn't love, and I felt disappointed.
It would have been way better if I would awaited the 6 weeks and had what I wanted, so every time I walked in the room, I felt proud and happy and grateful. Instead, I was a little pissed off every time I saw it because it was just a reminder that it wasn't what I really wanted. It's so ridiculous when you think about it. I started to see the value in paying the bills on time because I got to live without the stress and embarrassment of being irresponsible.
Let me tell you something, bill collectors destroy my serenity, and I've had a few times in my where things were incredibly difficult financially. It's certainly the story of every entrepreneur for sure. When you take big risks and take big action, It doesn't always go well, you know, it is certainly even if it does go well, it doesn't go well quickly usually. Just because you start a business, doesn't mean the money is rolling in every day. That's far from the truth.
And I've had some hard lessons in the last few years. I've started 2 companies by myself, and there have been times that between the Irs and credit card debt. I felt like I just wanted to crawl under my bed and never come out. But what I know is crawling under the bed or avoiding the calls gives me a rep reprieve in that moment. But it doesn't make me feel good about myself. What allows me to feel good about myself, is when I step up and handle my business.
When I show myself that I believe in myself to do what I need to do to be well. And when all of that was going on, I had to really push myself to do things that were uncomfortable. I had to have the courage to call the Irs even when I felt humiliated by how far behind I was I felt like a failure. I felt weak. I felt ashamed. And I had to push myself through that and tell myself over and over again. How important it is to face the consequences of my actions.
I am my responsibility, my consequences are my responsibility. Then I had to make some hard decisions. And I had to get committed to my goal on a whole new level. I had to make the decision to get my shit together, to handle my business and be 100 percent dedicated to it. And that's what I did. You guys have heard me talk about this before When I lost a business many years ago, I cut my lifestyle down to nothing.
Bare minimum cell phone, tiny ugly apartment working 6 and 7 days a week I didn't so much as buy a coffee for over a year. That's what it looks like to be committed to something. That's what it looks like to chase delayed gratification with huge lifelong rewards. Rather than get caught up in instant gratification, creating more shitty consequences for myself. Does this all make sense? Instant gratification can be avoidance? Avoid the elephant in the room, Don't face
it. Don't talk about it because it doesn't feel good. But it creates consequences instead of rewards. And you know what addiction loves, it loves it when you feel shitty because you made some crappy decisions and created some consequences for yourself. It loves it when you feel bad like that. Because when you feel bad, it knows it can pray on you, feeling bad and embarrassed and ashamed, make you vulnerable and alcohol needs you to be vulnerable so it can lure you back in.
Here's what I want you to do today. Think about 1 or 2 ways, you fall into the instant gratification trap over and over again. Maybe it's with dating. Maybe it's with money. Maybe it's with shopping. Maybe it's being fearful in staying in your unhealthy little comfort zone. Identify a couple of specific situations you can be in that are instant gratification. Then think about what action you can take to do that differently. Think through that moment.
When your friends are on the phone, inviting you out. Think about how you can make a different healthier choice. Think about what you would say to someone else or what you would say to yourself depending on what your situation is, think through every detail of doing it differently. Think about the rewards of making healthy choices and how good you will feel.
Think about the smile on your face when you get up the next morning, knowing you made a kick ass decision that was the best decision for you. Think about how strong you feel when you protect yourself, speak up for yourself, protect your sobriety. Then go do that. Make a commitment to do that be 100 percent committed to your decision. Are you with me? I think you are. Think about what it looks like, like, how I just broke down that situation when I
had all that debt to repay. Right? Cutting my lifestyle down to nothing. What are some commitments you can make to be that committed to your sobriety? What does that look like for you? Does that mean sometimes you need to stay home? Like me, the only 2 places I wanted to go when I was new the only 2 places I was okay being was home or at my meeting. I guess I was okay at work too. I was pretty comfortable at work because that was a very safe place for me. They
were all regulars. It was, like an extended family. They celebrated my sobriety with me. I guess, I felt okay there too. I just wasn't there very much. You know, Only worked a few days a week. So... But I knew to protect my sobriety I just needed to have a few places to go. And you heard Am talk about this on the episode a couple of weeks ago, and she talked about the same kind of thing where she... She didn't go anywhere. Right? Like, she was so protective of her
sobriety. She didn't go anywhere. She went to work and she went home. And she built in an extra shower each day at at the end of the evening. Right, to have a little rep reprieve from kids and making dinner and being home and doing the family and mom thing. She would go take a shower to have a few minutes to res center get her anxiety and check. That's what you have to do. Put together some sort of little plan for yourself. That proves your commitment to your recovery.
Does that mean not going and hanging out with some people right now, not going to certain place. This can be even friends that you talk to. Right? Put it in that perspective. It could even be a meeting you go to. If there's a particular meeting you go to where there's somebody that makes you uncomfortable or somebody hit on you or whatever the case may be and you don't wanna go there. Don't go there. Make a commitment to finding a new place to go.
But find a new place. Don't just remove the healthy aspect of a meeting, just remove it and don't replace it. You have to replace it with something else healthy. But that's what I want you to think about. How can you be more committed to your sobriety? And what does that look like? What sacrifices are you willing to make to protect yourself and protect your sobriety. Thank you so much you guys for another great week Thank you for all your enthusiasm, your kind
words. Thank you for supporting 1 another and being active in the comments in the Facebook group. I think honestly, we have the most powerful and amazing community of anyone out there. And I'm super proud of all of us and grateful that I get to engage with you guys and I get to meet you in real life in our online meetings. That's been really fun. If you love this episode, please take a whole 20 seconds and share it with someone. Alright. I'll put all the links in the
show notes. I love you guys. I hope you are having a fantastic day, and I'll see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the addiction unlimited podcast, candid an honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at addiction on unlimited dot com to join the conversation, and access show notes and links to everything we talked about.
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