You deserve so much more than what your dad and those other men have given you. The real question is do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and intentional connections or are you lowering your standards so much that you give access to those who actually don't see your value. I heard a quote that said your naked body should only be available to those who fall in love with your naked soul. That you actually are a prize and their prize, and you are a person that someone else
is praying for. And so don't worry about the person that's not crying over you, worry about the person that is praying for you. I'm Raley Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw and fielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. Thank
you all so much for listening. I appreciate it. And if you're new here, hi, and if you are an OG listener, thank you for coming back time and time again. So this week I wanted to talk about all the conversations I have been having with some of my friends
about breakups. I have had some of my favorite people in the world, my incredible friends, going through breakups or difficult times right now in their relationships, and they are truly doing the work, like really doing the work to break patterns that are just not helping them in life or in their relationships, patterns that they felt trapped by, and just really trying in life, you know, to be fabulous,
incredible partners and people. So firstly, I just want to shout out to all of you, anybody who is listening that's doing the work and struggling through it, because it really does feel crappy sometimes, and it really is so much effort and so much struggle trying to be better, and sometimes it really doesn't feel worth it because of
how crappy it can feel. But you're still here, You're trying, you maybe failing a little bit, but you're still bouncing back each time because you know you are a baddie, but also because you know deep down that this is what you need to do. And sometimes what we need to do is not what we want to be doing, and it never feels good. So I'm sending you all so much love, and I'm so sorry if you are going through a breakup, I know it sucks. I've been there.
It's awful and horrendous and literally like someone has physically put their hand down your throat and pulled your heart out. I get it. It is treacherous and can feel absolutely horrific, and it can sometimes feel like it will never get better, but it will and it does, and you can freaking do this even on the days it feels like you can't.
So I hope that this episode serves as a best friend holding your hand through this, because that is what I've been doing for my friends lately, and just in case you don't have that person in your life, I would love to be that for you right now. So we've actually been having so many great chats and conversations around this topic, and my friends often actually say, why don't you just record our conversations and turn it into podcasts?
But the fact is if I did that, I'll be exposing a lot of these lads who don't want to be exposed like that. So I won't be doing that. But what I did do is write down some of those reflections and mentally note the conversations in hopes that it will also help somebody else going through it, and also some of the realizations that I had when I had gone through something similar. But you know, over the years, I've actually had to be quite careful about the advice
that I give out. I used to be someone who thought it was my duty as a friend to, you know, throw out advice or my opinion about things all over the place. You know, something happened, I say, it's my right I should tell my friend this. But over the years HAVE become a lot more cautious about that, because to really understand why someone acts the way that they do, you need to know where they've come from. And that's why I've become so cautious about just dishing advice out.
I started living by the philosophy of drinking water, reminding your business, and it has served me well. It has been my philosophy that I've truly tried to live by because I used to be a bit of a nosey Parker, and honestly, it was hindering my friendships rather than creating
more meaningful friendships. And so what I've tried to do now is truly understand the person that I'm trying to give advice to or that have asked me for my advice before I throw anything in there, because if someone values your opinion, they could take it really seriously, and so I'd want to give it with as much information
as possible. And So if you are listening to this and you're not going through a breakup, but you're someone who's giving advice to a friend or has someone in your life going through this, then hopefully this is a little note to you too, just in case you throw a little piece of advice in there that maybe you shouldn't have or you just can't help yourself. Even when they haven't asked for the advice, you're just still trying to give it. Hopefully this will give you a bit
of perspective on how to give that advice to. So rewind and try and find out and understand the things that your friends have been through in the past before giving advice on the present, whether it's family, whether it's relationships with their parents, whether it's micro or macro traumas that they've been through, or maybe it's mental health struggles. It has really deepened my friendship with that person and my ability to be there for them in the right way,
with no judgment and advice that feels right for them. So, for example, one of my friends has had a pattern of being with men who are in some way unavailable, usually emotionally, unable to commit fully or not able to really communicate with her. Well, now, if you hear that in isolation, many times people might think, Oh, she just likes a bad boy. It's a preference thing, She's just
going for that type of guy. But when you actually learn the con text behind and her past, you realize that the pattern is actually quite valid, and it comes from a place where her dad hasn't always been available or hasn't been present in her life, and so her default and her blueprint and her first experience of a man, and therefore her normality is an unavailable man. Whereas for me, my dad has always been a stable, nervous system, regulating
kind of man in my life. He has been consistent, stable, always there, always provided emotionally, physically and mentally for us. He's been my safety in so many ways. And so growing up in that way, I actually had a clear idea and a clear vision of what that felt like or what that looks like. And so it's much easier to recognize something when you've had previous experience of it before. But if you've never had that and it's not your norm, how can you recognize it easily if it is so
farign not unfamiliar to you? And so if you're familiar has been rejection and a key man in your life like your dad, being unavailable to you, that's what your default might actually be. So without realizing it, you could subconsciously be attracting people who are either unavailable, are you with someone else or in a complicated situation, or just
emotionally unable to give you what you need. So my friend is fully aware of this and it's constantly trying to rewire this pattern, working really hard to actually, So that was just a little note to anybody who is me right now in this situation where you are listening
and hearing somebody else's difficulties. And I'm telling you this because grace is something that's really necessary in the world right now, especially grace with people that are closest to us, and it allows them to be open and honest with you without feeling like they're being judged in a situation, and if someone is confiding in you know how serious and how precious that is, and how much it takes for someone to do that and be hones in those situations.
It's also such an honor to have someone's trust in you, and the way you reciprocate is just through ears that are without judgment and a heart with enough space to see things from a different point of view. It is so easy to judge when you're on the outside or when you don't understand someone. So the best way to resolve that is to ask questions and to get to know your friends deeper, to get to the why behind
the actions or the situations that they're in. And so now, if you're someone who resonates with my friend, I will with love tell you the same thing that I told her. You deserve so much more than what your dad and those other men have given you. And it's actually not about these men at all. What they did was a reflection of their inability to manage their trauma or pain. You just happen to be the recipient of that pain. But now what you do does not have to be
a result of that. You don't need to figure out why you're even attracted to these emotional under available people. You actually need to figure out why their actions have created a deep rooted belief in you that this is what you deserve, and why that's the story you have created in your own mind. And so I think that's
a really good starting point. When you've been dating someone who hasn't fulfilled your needs, or you keep going back to someone who's actually not good for you, a good place to start is thinking, not why am I attracted to this person? But why do I feel like this is what I deserve? Why is this the bar that I have for myself of what I actually allow into my life? And why do I feel like this is
the type of relationship that I deserve? And I think breaking that down, whether it's in therapy, whether it is by yourself, really kind of going through this journey in your mind of where does this deep rooted feeling come from?
Is so useful to then break this pattern, to allow yourself to believe you deserve more in your life, to believe that you you do deserve the person who is emotionally, physically, or mentally available to you, To believe that you do deserve someone who is attracted to you is wanting to spend time with you. And so I think that is the most important place to start, because you will not
attract something that you don't deeply believe you deserve. So sometimes it's actually less about the other guy or the other person. It's so much more about you and you figuring out how to elevate your expectations and your desires and your beliefs about yourself. So, like I said, a couple of my friends are going through a breakup, so it's been really interesting going through this journey with them. One of the other things that my friend has really
been struggling with is how to manage this breakup. Do I jump into another relationship, Do I have sex with as many people as possible. Do I stick with myself and just try and work things out? And I actually think one of the worst piece of advice that people are given during this time is to just get back out there or to have mindless connections with people, thinking that you need to get back out there to fill that void. And unfortunately, sometimes that avoid gets filled with sex.
And the problem is that sex is so much more than just a moment of fun. It is a full blown, energetic exchange. And so what may feel like a great idea at the beginning, your friends are telling you just go, you know, have sex with this random guy that we meet out, or you think of going back to an old ex to fulfill that feeling of being lonely. The problem is it doesn't just stop in that moment. You actually carry it with you long after you've had that interaction.
You are allowing this person not just physically into your body, but into your personal intimate energetic field. That energy can actually stay with you long after the actual encounter, and it's literally like plugging into an energy socket and opening up an energy channel between you both. Who gets access to you is a good in indicator of how valuable you are, especially when it comes to sex. It is a deeply intimate experience and it really should just be
reserved for someone who is deserving of you. The real question is do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and intentional connections or are you lowering your standards so much that you give access to those who actually don't see your value. I heard a quote that said your naked body should only be available to those who fall in love with your naked soul, and I have heard from so many friends after breakups who say I wish I hadn't done that, and I don't know why I did that,
and I didn't even like him. I just did it because I was feeling lonely or vulnerable in that moment. And I heard this podcast actually where Humble the poet, he said something. It was on Jay's podcast, and he said, guild is actually rarely about the other person. It usually is because we have gone against our own deep values in principles, and so feeling good in the moment isn't the test of whether something is right for us. It's actually how it makes you feel for the minutes, hours, days,
or weeks after. And usually the things that bring temporary satisfaction, especially with things like this like casual sex, do not bring us long term contentment and actually make us lose a sense of self worth when we're going against our own values or our own beliefs about ourself. So you might actually find yourself feeling emptier after those encounters, not because sex itself is bad, but because the exchange lack
the depth that your soul was actually looking for. And so if a friend does advise you just go out there, have some fun, just have these random like there's a cute guy over there, why don't you see what happens. I honestly don't think that that is the place to start after you've had your heart broken, because you're trying to fill your heart and you're trying to fill a void that is happening in your heart space, and having
sex is going to not fill that up at all. Actually, it's probably going to pull at your heart strings more because you know deep down that's not what you're trying to look for, and it will not feel the void that you are feeling. And so you have to listen to what you actually want and what your needs are long term, and try not to give into your temporary lows that come with this process, and know that that is part of the process, that feeling that void is
part of the process. Sometimes when it feels so dire, you end up making the worst decisions. And so actually sitting with that pain or the sorrow or the sadness and allowing it to be helps you to get over it faster then adding to the pain that you're already feeling.
And most of the time, guilt is one of the hardest things for us to feel, because when you feel bad about yourself, it's the hardest pill to swallow about doing something against you own values, and so that actually will end up adding to the pain that you're already feeling. Your heart is already broken, and then you are breaking your own heart in some way by doing something that
you actually don't want to do. So don't listen to that friend that's telling you that, listen to what you want to do and what you really probably need in this time is healing. And I asked my friend, I said, what do you really want in a man? And she described it, and honestly, it was so far from what she had been receiving or without realizing what she was seeking. And even if theoretically she knew what she wanted, she
had one for in and one for out. So in our conversation, I remember telling her, you can't be dabbling in an emotionally unavailable past relationship while you're trying to find the emotionally available man of your dreams. It's just impossible because you are sending mixed signals to the universe.
And until you are clear on what you're asking for, not just in words but in actions, that you are extremely clear on what you're asking the universe or God to send you, it's going to be really difficult to receive that because also you kind of have to show God and the universe that you're truly ready to receive it.
You're truly ready to not just receive it, recognize it, but also to keep that gift that you are asking for, because at the end of the day, our partners are a gift that we receive, especially if it's a good one that you're looking for, then we see as a
gift that we are asking for. And so with that in mind, we have to be ready, with our hands open, ready to receive, which means you can't be holding on to something else and you have to have done the work to actually keep that gift that you are being given. And so doing the work between a breakup that you've had and receiving this person that you want in your life. Sometimes we think it's when is that person going to
come into my life? But sometimes it's thinking, am I have I done the work in preparation for this person to come and to be able to recognize this person that I'm looking for? Have I done the work to
find them and to keep them? And so sometimes these gaps in between are actually a useful space to be able to do the work required to not just have the vision to see the person when they come into our life, because sometimes we can be covered up with all these traumas and these habits that we have created, or the patterns that we've created in our life, that is impossible to sometimes see that this might be the person for you and also have done the work to
be able to not just have one evening with them, have a date with them, but to maintain that relationship too. And I know this period in between when you're in a breakup can be really difficult. Yesterday actually I was with my friend and she said she was actually pre period, which, by the way, is one of the hardest times to have gone through a breakup because you feel really vulnerable and your hormones are all over the place, and all
she really wanted was a cuddle. So she was definitely in a vulnerable state, the most vulnerable state of texting an X And in those times, you have to without fail,
tell someone that that is how you're feeling. Luckily she told me, and we were having a conversation throughout the day about it, and so I really recommend when you're feeling that way, usually we end up not telling our friends because we know they're going to tell us to do the thing that we really want to do, which is text them, so we kind of keep it hidden. We'll text them and then we'll go to it after
and then tell our friend after it's done. But the good thing is my friend's really trying, and so she said, I really need this right now in my life. And obviously we were making jokes about it and being like, just go hunk that guy over there. But the reason it's important to tell someone about it is because they can help you to make the decision they know you want to make, even if you're not able to see
it right now. It makes you accountable. Just like when you want to go to the gym and you're messaging your friend every single day saying that I'm on my way or I don't want to go right now, and your friend's motivating you to go. It's the same with this type of situation. So I tell my friend that as soon as she gets home, she has to send me a picture of her in the bath doing whatever she wants to do at home, but not being with
her ex. I just needed proof of that every single hour, to make sure that she's not outside his door waiting for him to open it, but also to use that as a place of strength, because it is a strength building exercise for yourself. Yes, it sucks to be by yourself in those moments. It is hard when that feeling
of loneliness strikes. But you know what she did. She went home, She had a bath, she lit a candle, she read a book, she put on some freshly washed pajamas, got into her freshly washed sheets, and she soothed herself in that moment by reading a book, by doing self care rituals that made her feel better about herself. And this morning she woke up and she was so happy and proud that she did not text an X just because she was feeling vulnerable in the moment and wanted
a cuddle. And look, if you do end up giving in, okay, it happens. Who hasn't done that, It is what it is. And you might wake up the next morning wishing you didn't, but then you just start again and it just is like that sometimes, and that's okay too. You might text them, you might show up on outside their door. Whatever you end up doing. Don't think that that means you have gotten back into that cycle. You need to put yourself
back out and start again. And I think sometimes we expect breakup to be dramatic, you know, because of what you see on TV and in TV shows that make the drama really romantic. It's the showing up in the rain outside your door in the middle of the night moments, or it's the bumping into them by accident, maybe at a bar, and one night turning into a reconciliation moment where you realize you're both wrong and it can work again. Sometimes it is just you alone, not texting them. That
is what the healing is. It's not stalking them, it's not reacting. It is just silence and stillness and letting that be the healing. And let me tell you, I I have done way too many drive bys in my life and trying to chase that feeling and it did not make me feel any better at all. And the thing is just letting the days go by like that. Just the simple not texting, not sending the messages, not
liking an Instagram post. It can feel really pointless and it can feel like you're not making much progress at all, especially if you're used to chaos or emotional highs and lows in relationships. But honestly, this feeling of it's not boredom, but this feeling of simplicity is often just your nervous system finally recalibrating. So if you have mistaken chaos for connection for way too long in your life, peace might
end up being mistaken for emptiness. But actually it is freedom, And if you've been trapped in this cycle for too long, it will take you a while to actually get out of this caged mindset. Even if the doors are wide open. The doors might be wide open for you, but you are still stuck in there. So you kind of have to say in it and let it be, and it's the only way to get out of that cycle. You know what's also hard not knowing how that person is
feeling after your breakup. That can be really difficult. My friend said to me, I just want him to be obsessed with me, and I want him to be sad without me, and just I want to know that he's feeling horrible without me, just like I am. And I said, well, why do you want someone who you fundamentally do not want to be with. Why do you want him to be obsessed with you? Focus your energy on attracting the healthy obsession of someone who you actually want to be with.
But I do get it. You want the person that's hurt you to hurt a little. I've felt that before. You just want that slight satisfaction and comfort that this person did care and he is struggling without you. But because otherwise it feels like, did that person even care? Did you not actually love me as much as I loved him? Did this whole relationship not mean anything to him? And I think that's the hardest pool to swallow in a breakup. It's not always the loss of the relationship.
It's the moments after, the overthinking, the not knowing, not knowing if they cared as much as you did, not knowing if they're sad, not knowing if they even think about you in every moment of every day, which is the irrational thoughts that we end up having that they should be doing that. And it's not really about wanting them back, that feeling of wanting to be missed, that craving of wanting to be missed. It's not about wanting
them to want you back. It's about wanting to feel validated, to feel like the love and the effort, the time, the energy spent, and the pain that it actually meant something. But honestly, the truth is, and I've had to tell myself this before, and this is what I tell my friend, you do not need someone to be hurting to prove that you mattered. That is a fib that we tell ourselves. The other person hurting does not is not proof that
you mattered in that relationship. Your worth is so not dependent on how loudly someone grieves your absence, and that's something you need to remind yourself of every single day that you're going through this and obsession, especially from someone who could not love you well, is not proof of love.
It's proof of ego and control. If someone actually ends up getting more possessive, more controlling, and more obsessive after you leave, that's a sign of that someone's ego is coming out and it's definitely not a sign of love, because if they're not able to give you the love that you deserve while you're with them, why would you waste all your energy wishing for crumbs of validation when they couldn't even hold your heart when they had it
in the first place. So wish and pray instead, not that that person is hurting or that they're missing you, but wish and pray instead for peace and for clarity, for someone who just won't be sad without you and realize when it's too late, but for someone who appreciates your presence and when you are actually there, and you know, when you see your friend hurt that much, what you really want them to feel is I really did want her to know that she can't attract so much better
in life. So we started this thing where she would just say hey to a guy if she thought he was cute, make conversation maybe on a dating app with a person that you usually would say no to, because if your type hasn't served you well so far, it's useful to try and speak to people that maybe you would have expected to say yes, to give someone a chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance to, you know. And a couple of weeks in she started saying, I'm
so tired. I just it's fun, but it's also really tiring, and I feel really drained. And you know what we don't talk about enough how draining casual flirting can be. It seems really harmless at first, and it feels fun and light and flirty and exciting, but honestly, it is
energy draining. If you're sprinkling your energy all over the place with nothing actually grounding you, every conversation can become like a little tiny leak in your own power, in your own energy, and you're already going through this energy of you're already draining energy in heartbreak, and then you're kind of what energy you do have left instead of pouring it back into yourself, sprinkling it out there to other people who you haven't really got much meaning to
or aren't really pouring much back into you, and so it can actually make you feel a little bit more anxious. You're constantly thinking about what to reply, whether they're going to reply, if they mean what they say, and over time, all that little energy that you're expending, it adds up.
And so as much as I did want that for her in the beginning, and I thought it was a good idea for her to feel and know that she is so beautiful and that she is wanted by other people and so deserving of attention and adoration, I actually think it wasn't the best advice. And the ideal situation is solitude to actually heal, to conserve energy and utilize that energy in this healing process rather than spreading it
to other people. And even though that feels like the most difficult option, solitude is probably the last thing you want in this time. I think long term that it is definitely the best way to start a breakup journey.
And Jay has his book Eight Rules of Love, and I think the first chapter actually talks about solitude and how important it is even if you're not getting through a breakup, but even if you are just connecting trying to have a deeper relationship with your partner, having these moments of solitude are so important to recalibrate, to understand what it is you truly want to make the right decisions in your relationship or before you get into one, and not just for you, but for the person you
will be with next. Why would you want to carry broken parts of yourself into the next encounter that you have? And look, you're always going to have little parts of your breakups or your past relationships that you carry with you. I think that's just part of life. But the cleaner you go into your next relationship, the more chance of success that it will have. And don't you want to be the most epic version of yourself when you meet
that person. Really, what you probably need is a little bit of self love and some girl time and listen, love can come from so many different places. It doesn't have to be a romantic love. Sometimes, when you have your heart broken, what you probably need is a cuddle from your mum or friends that you laugh with and filling yourself up in a different way, because right now that place is going through trauma and it doesn't need to be filled right now. It just needs to be empty,
and slowly it will be refueled. But when you can't mend that area of your life where you're not able to fulfill that part, focus on other areas of your life and help to strengthen those areas and feel good in those areas of your life, whether it's friendships or family relationships or your relationship with yourself, and naturally that will help you feel better. Maybe not in the romantic part of your life, but it will still make you
feel better in some way. So if you're in that raw space right now, wondering if it gets better, wondering if you're ever stop checking your phone or feeling that ache. I just really want you to know that you are definitely not broken. You are in a transitional phase right now,
and what comes next isn't just from someone else. It is a deep return to yourself, which is what you really need in this time, and that is honestly the love that's going to carry you through, not just this time, but carry you through into a relationship that is worthy of you being in. And if you're still crying over him, or still checking his page, or still wondering if he misses you, that's also okay. But just know this that you actually are a prize and their prize, and you
are a person that someone else is praying for. And so don't worry about the person that's not crying over you. Worry about the person that is praying for you. And the more that you stop pouring energy and thoughts into people who can't hold you, the more that you will start attracting the ones who can. You do not need someone to be obsessed with you. Do You deserve someone
who's intentional with you. And so take your time, breathe, cry, laugh with your best friends, and it's time to relearn your own worth before you even jump into another relationship. I heard this quote and I thought it was really relevant for this. Do you not heal by going back? You heal by moving forward with more wisdom, more softness,
and a deeper sense of self worth. So I really hope if you didn't have a friend that you could turn to during this time, I hope that this episode felt like a friend that you could talk to and turn to and relate to. And I'm sending you so much love through this difficult time because I know it's painful and horrible, but just know that we are here for you. And if you are going through it and you want to send a little message, we're on the
comment section here. I'm sure that there is a huge community of people who are going through the same thing just as you are, which is exactly what a really good CRI is for. So sending you so much love and I will see you next week.