Every single yes that you give to someone else ends up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end up falling in love with this agreeable version of you, not the real you.
I'm rather d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. When we try and get really honest about health, healing and all the habits that can really help to change our lives. Okay, I'm going to ask you something and it may feel like it's completely directed towards you.
It's not, but it kind of is.
Okay, how many times have you said yes to something when every single fiber of your being wants to say no? How many times have you agreed to plans taken on work or apology not because you wanted to, but you were just trying to avoid conflict, to be liked, or to keep the peace. If that felt like it was targeted towards you, it probably was because you've opened this podcast because you are possibly a people pleaser and you're
trying to break that habit just like I am. And so we're going to do it together because if your answer to any of either of those questions was yes, it probably is a people pleasing issue that you've got going on. To be honest, I think I've been a people pleaser since I can remember, and it's always from like the little things of what do you want to eat?
Oh? Nothing? What do you want to eat? I know I want to eat pizza. Why am I not saying I want to eat pizza?
To the bigger things in life where you are suppressing your once your needs in life because you have this simple but really strong desire to be liked or loved and you end up relating what you do for other people or the words that you say to other people with whether they're going to like, love you, or still
stay in your life. I think this is definitely an episode that look is not going to take away your people pleasing habits because it's something that's really deep rooted, but I really hope that it helps you to work through them, helps you to recognize where they are exhibiting themselves.
The most, but also helps you to realize.
That love and care and being liked is not dependent on what you do for other people. And that's something that's a relationship and a connection that takes a long time to take a part to separate those two. But at least hopefully this becomes the start of you thinking about it and working through it. Look, here's the truth. People pleasing is not actually kindness. It is self abandonment. It is putting everyone else, everyone else's needs above your
own until you're left resentful, drained, and honestly invisible. So today I want to break this down. Why do we do it, what it costs us, and most importantly, how do we stop it? Because living your whole life to be liked is the fastest way to lose yourself. Trust me, I've been there, I've done it. I'm currently in recovery. So let's do this together.
Shall we.
And you know what, one of the biggest things I think as a former slash still people pleaser, is that we end up thinking that it is kindness, that we are actually doing things that are nice for other people, and of course it is.
There is an element of.
That, but a big part of it is actually fueled by a deeper desire to be liked, And so when you are doing things from a different intention, it actually does have a different action and a different reaction, and so people pleasing is actually not necessarily being kind. True kindness is free flowing. It comes from a place of love,
and people pleasing ends up coming actually from fear. It can look like saying yes when you mean no, overapologizing, or you've done absolutely nothing wrong, taking responsibility for other people's moods, maybe keeping quiet so no one else disagrees with you. And most of us actually learn this from a young age. I hear this a lot when therapists are talking about people pleasing. They say, maybe it's how you're raised. Maybe it's how you're praised when you were
younger for being the easy child. You're so easy going, you never cause any trouble. Or maybe you grew up in a house where conflict wasn't safe, so you just learned to smooth things over just to survive. I heard this therapist actually have a name for this, and it's called the faun response. You've heard a fight or flight, I'm sure, or even freeze, But fawn is when your nervous system tries to keep you safe by pleasing others. But the thing is, when you end up doing something
for someone else and you end up resentful. Is that really giving? Is that really kindness? And the fact is every single yes that you give to someone else ends up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end up falling in love with this agreeable version of you, the real you, and so you're slowly chipping away at
this relationship that you're trying to build with yourself. You end up being an unsafe space for yourself. It's literally like a partner that keeps lying to you over and over again. How unsafe do you feel with that person? How unsure do you feel with that person? And so, in the same way, if you start chipping away at your own trust in yourself, you no longer feel safe in your own body. In your own mind. And at the end of the day, even if other people don't
know you're lying, you definitely know you're lying. Deep down. Your body knows when you are not in agreement, in alignment with what you truly want. And so you get further and further away from yourself, and your relationships end up becoming unbalanced and not true in connection because you can't be true without truthfulness. And so whether it's with yourself or whether it's with other people, you end up
thinking you're doing the better I totally get that. You end up thinking you're doing the right thing, and you're doing it for this other person. I'm just going to be agreeable, and I'm just gonna not bring up things when I feel conflict, and I'm going to over extend myself to do things for this person, whoever it is, friend, relationship, father, mother, whoever is in your life. But the problem is, because there is an untruthful aspect to it, it actually does
not bring you closer. If anything, it will slowly build a rift between your relationships with yourself or with the other person. Because part of it is a little bit of an act. Right, people end up falling in love with this agreeable version of you that you've created, not the real you, not the one, not the one who has opinions and ideas and disagrees with things. It's not It's this version of you that you might have molded yourself to become because you believe that that's going to
keep people in your life. And you know what, This can run so deep. It can be from this fear of rejection. It can be this fear of if I stop people pleasing, I will be abandoned. This person's going to leave me if I end up saying how I feel, saying what I want, being the person that I truly am. Sometimes it can be tied to our insecurities, sometimes to dependent personality traits. I'm going to depend on this person to make me feel good about myself. But either way,
the route is the same. If I am not useful, I am not lovable, and that is the essence of people pleasing. If I am not useful to this person, I am not lovable. But I need you to understand, and this is the truth, that that is not true at all. You have to separate the idea of being useful and the idea of being lovable. That is just something that you've been trained to believe or have had a life where that has been shown to you in some way, But that is so far from the truth.
So if you think about the traits of a people pleaser, let me know if this ends up standing a little bit familiar, always accommodating to others, rarely saying no, feeling valuable only when you are complying, apologizing when no apology is required, taking the blame when it isn't yours, making excuses for other people, feeling anxious if someone's upset with you, and over extending yourself, and you know how you know you're over sending. It's when what you did out of
kindness leaves you feeling resentful or angry. That is not being kind and that is not you being generous. That is you doing something that you actually don't want to do. And then the resentfulness and the anger is your body and your mind telling you that you shouldn't have done that, actually didn't want to do that, but you forced me to do it, and your desire to be liked or loved ended up trumping my desire to actually do this. It's a sign that you have given more than you
had to give. You've given beyond your capacity and your ability. So how do we break this pattern? How do we even begin to break this especially if it's been so deep rooted and lasted for so long. So the first thing is you need to know your boundaries. It is so important to know your limits and to establish these clear boundaries and then communicate those limits. You have to be really clear and specific about what they are and
what you're willing to take on in your life. And if it seems like someone is asking for two months, you have to be able to let them know that it is over your limits of what you are willing to do, and that you won't be able to help. But knowing you need boundaries and actually knowing what they are are two different things. So to set boundaries, you need to know what your boundaries are, and if you've not been used to setting them your whole life, you
may not even know what they are. You may not even know how to start to figure out what they are. And so to figure this out, you're going to need to do a little getting to know yourself, a little reflection every single day. So these are some things to ask yourself and some things to consider.
Start off with your triggers. Notice when you feel resentful or drained, or anxious or angry after saying yes, those are clear signals that a boundary has been crossed. And so notice when that happens.
Is it when you say yes to going out somewhere when you don't have the energy to Is it when someone asks you to do something for them and you can't help but take full control of it? You know, what is it that you do for other people or even in your life that once you do, it makes you feel resentful, drained, anxious, or anger after you've said yes, sometimes even after you've completed the task. And once you start recognizing this or becoming aware of it, it's actually
so easy to notice. It's like as soon as a friend says, hey, could you pick me up from the airport and you say, yeah, of course I will. After you're like, oh my god, I have to do all of this stuff, and now I have to go and pick her up from the airport and that's going to take an hour there and an hour back.
I wish I hadn't said yes. That's your sign.
That's your sign that you actually didn't want to say yes, but you said yes because of this reason, or a work colleague says, hey, do you mind just working a little bit extra because I need to leave a little bit early, and you say, yeah, of course, I will whatever you need. And actually you had plans and you'd already committed to something, and you wish you hadn't said yes,
but you did. And so whenever you notice this negative reaction in your heart in your mind to where yes that you have said, that is a sign that that's a trigger for you, and that's a sign that that's a boundary that you need to figure out. That feeling is your body's alarm system. Saying a boundary was crust. Another question that you should ask yourself is when did I feel overextended this week? And what was the moment
I knew I didn't want to do it? So think about all these times that you felt like you have put too much of yourself into something, But then also think about when was that moment I knew it? Was it actually before I even said yes, I was already saying no in my head, but I ignored it. Was it after the action was done? Was it the moment
I said yes? Try and see where you start to recognize your body or your mind actually resisting each moment, each time that you've said yes or overextended yourself in a way that you didn't want to.
Next up, you have to clarify what your non negotiables are. Ask yourself, what do I absolutely need in my life in order to feel safe, respected, and well? Write all those things down. There might be lots on each list, but know what you need in your life from yourself and from others to feel safe, respected and well. For example, I need one hour alone every single morning, or I need advanced notice for plans, or I need to be spoken to respectfully. What does that mean?
What are the non negotiable things that you don't want people to be able to say to you or do to you. I actually have two best friends in London who we all well. Two of us have really similar ways of spending time together. We're both very spontaneous. It could be a hey, do you want to hang out in like an hour? And our third friend, she is someone who absolutely despises spontaneous last minute get together. She wants to know a month in advance, a week in advance.
She wants to know exactly what time we're meeting. She needs advanced notice like a lot, and we really struggled with that at first, and then I realized I still am quite bad at it because I'm just a very spontaneous person. But it made me realize how important it is to her because she really does want to spend
time together. But for her, having this advanced notice allows her to prepare her mind, allows her to prepare her time accordingly, so she can make sure that she's present and there for us in the moments that we're going
to be spending together. And so it was something that she has very clearly told us that I need notice advance to notice whenever we're meeting, and we've had to really respect that and appreciate that, even if it's not something that I do normally for myself, because I care about her and because she has actually had the ability to set that boundary and tell us, I really respect that, and I really have to respect it as a friend because it takes a lot to even be able to
share something like that. Next up, you need to notice when it is that you actually betray yourself, Like in what moments do you end up over extending or saying yes to things? Is it when you're really exhausted, when you're agreeing to just keep the peace. Is it in a work environment, is it in your home environment? Is it in your relationship? Notice in what areas you are most likely to give in or do your people pleasing tendencies.
We also have to be able to define our capacity, because boundaries aren't just about what others can't do to you. It's also about what you can realistically give. Sometimes it's not about people crossing your boundary. It's about you giving more than you can handle, or giving more than you realize you have in you to be able to.
And so you need to realize what your capacity is.
So I remember when I was trying to make friends in new environments. I'd keep trying to set up individual time to spend with people to try and build a relationship. And I realize that I'm actually I get quite exhausted being around people often, especially with being at events and social environments and things like that. And so I realized I have a specific capacity for the amount of social interaction I can do in groups and one to one.
And so now I know I can maybe meet someone one to one maybe twice a week, but I can do a lot more social gatherings where there's more people, because it requires a lot less energy investment in that moment. And so I'm really clear and specific now about how many social gatherings I can say yes to when it's a group setting or lots of people, and how many times a week I can say yes to meeting someone
one on one. It's something that I've learned over time where I don't want to be dreading going to see someone. No one's got gun to my head saying you have to go see this. So why am I ending up saying yes to things that I don't want to go to?
Not fair on them because I don't come there with the right energy, and also not good for me because then I'm regretting saying yes and then feeling negative about having this interaction with that person, when in fact, if I said no, reschedule it for a time where would probably have more energy, that'd be more beneficial for both of us. And so, really figure out what your capacity is and in the areas that you tend to struggle,
become really clear about what that looks like. And maybe it is even like this many times a week situation that you have to set with yourself.
And that can be an energy, time or money. So how much energy, time, money, or emotional space do I actually have right now? And what does that mean?
Okay, if my friend has an issue going on right now in her life and she needs to call me every single day, do I have the energy to handle that right now?
Do I have the time? This person wants to borrow money off me? Do I have the money to give?
Or am I really going to be overextending myself where I then aren't able to support my own self. And your capacity will shift with seasons of life, and so your boundaries will too, and so you can continuously check in with yourself because sometimes I have so much energy to give to people, I could be unlimited having people over here every single week, pouring into people, and then at times I feel really depleted where I have to become a hermit and I don't feel like being around anybody.
And so you have to be very in tune with how you're feeling to really be able to allow that capacity to shift, and also to be able to know how many boundaries you need and where they should lie or sit. Our body is telling us things all the time. We just have to be able to listen your body will tell you when a boundary is being crossed, whether it's your tight chest and not in your stomach.
Physically, you will feel it.
Your face goes red, you feel drained and energy after an interaction. Learn to treat those sensations in your physical body as information and not just dismiss them as a discomfort.
You know what.
The next one is going to feel a little bit harsh, But it's something I really had to drill into myself because I think a big part of people pleasing you also end up having a little bit of a victim mindset. So you have to change and shift your mindset. You have to stop telling yourself that you do so much for people and that people owe you. Most of us walk around with this invisible contract in our heads. If I do this for you, you'll do this for me.
If I show up, you'll appreciate me. If I sacrifice, you'll love me back. Everyone has their own little contracts or agreements that you create in your mind to help you feel good about yourself.
It's a really natural tendency for me.
It's like, oh, if I insert myself into your life and I help resolve all your problems, then you can't get rid of me. There forever, you're gonna have to rely on me. You're gonna have to depend on me, and then I become something that can't be removed from your life.
I have a habit of doing that.
Whether it's with my family, whether it's with friends, I end up trying to insert myself to try and be a fixer and solve their problems, and my mind if someone's telling me their problems becomes a fixer mentality more than it is I'm here to listen.
I'm like, no, I'm going to help resolve this right now.
But I had to detach from thinking what does this person owe me in return?
You're not giving to receive. That's not how giving works.
You have to be willing to give to your capacity that you can without the expectation of them giving you the same back or anything back.
To be honest, that is.
The biggest lesson in disappointment is reducing your expectations to very little or none. And if you are doing something for someone, do not do it with something in mind that you want in return, because then you're really not giving with the right intention. And so it's not always the other people that are in the wrong it's not always the other people, because sometimes we put ourselves into that situation. It's not always the other person that is
in the wrong. It's what we are choosing to do for those people, even if we believe they don't deserve it, and then we end up focusing on their lack rather than the fact that we over gave and expected way too much in return. So when you drop this belief that people owe you, you actually can stop giving from a place of transaction and start giving from a place of choice and love. You stop saying yes because you're
secretly hoping for approval. And that's the thing sometimes usually as people please, is you're not giving to receive the same back. You're giving to receive what you want back. You're giving to receive approval, stability, confidence that this person isn't going to leave. And so when you don't receive that, you keep pouring in, pouring in, pouring in, waiting to receive that unsaid thing that they don't even know that's
why you're doing it. And so sometimes communication is so necessary in friendships and relationships because you could be pouring into this person they're thinking, Oh, that's just their love language. They love giving in this way. They love planning things, they love helping me. But really what you're not, what they're failing to understand because you haven't told them, is oh, I'm doing this because I need words of affirmation from you.
I need to know that I'm secure in this relationship, and so I need you to show me I am. And so that communication is really necessary. Otherwise you're doing something expecting something back that they are completely unaware of. And so when you're in that moment where you're put in a situation and you are just about to do a bit of people pleasing, we.
Have to learn how to pause before we respond.
Generally, people pleasers are automatic yes people. You end up saying yes before you even think about what they're asking. It's like, yeah, yeah, of course I'll do whatever you need. I'll be there of being there in whichever way that you need me to. So instead of a yes being a reflex or a given to you without you having even thought about what the person is asking, you need this five second rule or like a moment of thought
before you end up responding. Actually makes you're far better communicator too, but it also stops you from saying yes to something that you're then gonna have to cancel later, which, by the way, I used to do a lot. I would say yes, yes, yes, There's so many things, and then I'd actually end up looking really bad or not being a good friend because I know in the time
I'm not going to do it. But it's easier in that scenario for me to say yes, because later on, when I'm not facing them, I could say no, when actually it creates a better relationship if you just said no in the first place and so have a five second moment of thought, say hey, you know what, can I get back to you later or let me check my schedule and get back to you. Do you mind if I take like a day or so to figure
out whether I have the ability to do that. There are so many sentences that you can practice before you say the word yes, and then your yes actually ends up having more meaning. It's kind of like the Boy
who Cried Wolf, but in the opposite way. In the opposite way, I guess where a lot of the time, if you end up saying yes, yes, yes to things and then you don't follow through, your yes actually carries less weight, like it doesn't have as much meaning to the person because they're like, oh, she's probably going to cancel anyway, And.
I used to get that a lot.
Oh yeah, okay, you sure you're going to come because you're probably going to cancel the day before, And so you have more weight and integrity to the meaning of your yeses and your nose, and then your communication also just gets so much better. Can I check my schedule and get back to you, great line? Do you mind if I let you know in about twenty four hours that okay, literally a few sentences that can save your sanity and also better your relationships. And look, these boundaries set.
This boundary setting thing can actually be really scary because we're not used to it. And so it doesn't have to be like huge boundaries. You don't suddenly have to start building walls. It can be little micro boundaries. You don't need to start with these big, dramatic nose. You
can honestly practice in tiny, tiny ways. Say no to extra condiments at the cafe, say no to a project that you may not have a capacity for, and then every little no builds up this invisible muscle that helps you say no in the times that really matter.
Each morning, you can.
Start off journaling one boundary that you're going to practice that day and keep at the top of your mind. And so then you could test out with small nose, practicing no in lowest stake moments. So if it's declining an invitation, maybe it's by message at first. If you're not able to do it in person, maybe saying no
to people in person is what you find difficult. So practicing no by message first, or try not explaining yourself when you can't make it, like saying just no is okay, or saying I can't.
Do it is okay.
You don't need a whole story or a whole explanation as to why it can simply be no and that's okay.
It does not need the explanation.
I used to do that a lot as people pleased that I would end up over explaining why I can't do something, and it's kind of like, actually, they didn't need that.
They probably didn't even want that. They just want to know whether you're coming or not.
But because you feel that bad and you want to make sure that they're still in your life and that they're not going to dislike you, you end up trying to give them a reason to make sure that they really understand why you are saying no. And so another big part of this is learning to tolerate discomfort. That is probably the hardest part because people pleasing is actually about avoiding this discomfort, whether it's in yourself or whether it's in the situation.
But the fact is we live in a while is where people are going.
To be disappointed and annoyed and even angry, and that's honestly, okay. Their reaction is not your responsibility, but you being true to yourself and true to the situation is your responsibility. That's the only part you can really control. And so true growth means you have to sit in that discomfort without rushing to fix it. And that's going to be really uncomfortable, and that's not going to feel good, and
that's going to make you feel really crappy sometimes. But it's also part of the journey of just being true to yourself, because as soon as you start trying to live your life according to how other people are going to feel, you're not going to get it right.
I'll tell you that.
For now, you're going to think you know how to do it. You're going to think you know how to make that person happy. In that situation. But it's just an impossible feat to win, it really is. And so the only way you can be sure that you're doing the right thing is by living with integrity, and that's all you can really control. And then we have to start rewriting this story that we've created over such a long time, rewiring our mind and reframing what reality is.
The old story is I need to please to be loved. The new story is I'm loved when I show up authentically, whether I do or don't, and every single time I honor myself I strengthen my relationship with myself for other people. And that's what you need to realize. I'm loved whether I do or don't. And when I show up authentically every single time that I honor myself, I strengthen my
relationship with myself and with other people. Write it somewhere, I say, every single day, and start creating this new story and these new pathways in your mind that don't link the two. And then it's a practicing little script in the mirror. No thank you, that doesn't work for me. Actually, I'm going to have to check that date. Is that okay?
No?
Not?
Is that okay? Actually? It's just I'm gonna have to check on that date.
So try these little things that you can say to yourself, either with friends or family that you feel comfortable with, or just to yourself, no thank you. That actually doesn't work for me. You can keep it short, keep it snappy, keep it kind, but it can still be firm. You don't need to over explain. And so those are just little tips of things that I've been really reflecting on
and trying to do for myself. Of course, there are going to be certain situations that make you feel really uncomfortable and you're not going to get rid of this overnight.
It's not something that just goes away.
I actually think it's something I think that that lies quite deep and it's something that you kind of have to chip away at. But in little ways you can make these little changes, and the more you do it, the happy you're going to feel with yourself. Honestly, you're going to feel freer. You're going to feel like there's a less weight on your shoulder that you've put onto yourself.
And I think you have to realize that any relationship that is based on what you do for that person, and if it does mean that the only time you do those things that they are in your life or love you, that is a sign that it's.
Probably not the right type of relationship or friendship.
And so as scary as that is, this will also open your eyes to the type of relationships that you have. And I will also say this that sometimes you create that dependency and so it doesn't mean that person is bad or that they have they're using you or trying to get something from you. It's that you've created that relationship with that person. And so just this, weat evolve
and shit, relationships can change too. And you can say, you know, I don't think I want to do this for you anymore, but I still really want to be friends. And I don't think I want you to rely on me like this anymore, but I would still love to build our relationship. And so I think if people become used to you being that person in their life, it takes a little bit of retraining for them too. So here is the truth that I want you to carry
away with you today. It is always better to do less with the right intention than to do more with the wrong intention.
And that's why you have to keep in your mind.
It is always better to do less with the right intention than to do more with the wrong intention, Because when you stop people pleasing and start honoring yourself, that is when you stop disappearing and you stop losing who you are and you get to finally start living as you and people get to appreciate the real you. Actually, I would say that me knowing myself better and me having these boundaries and knowing who I am, what I actually need from other people, what I need from myself,
has definitely improved my relationships. It's definitely helped me communicate better, and it's made me like myself a lot more. And to be honest, I think most of us struggle with that the most. It's like, I want to be able to like myself and love myself on a daily basis. And the more you kind of go away with your go further away from your own needs and go further away from what your mind and body is telling you
it needs, the further you feel from yourself. And how can you connect to other people if you don't feel connected to your own self, body and mind. And so I hope all of this helps you to connect back to you, but also create better relationships with people around us and let me know how it goes. That good luck. It's going to be great and it's also going to
feel crappy at times. But I think if you clicked on this podcast, you're definitely well on the way to this journey of just becoming better for yourself and for other people. Thank you so much for watching, sending us so much love, and I hope you all have such a wonderful, wonderful week.