We live like the people we love are going to be here forever, not because we actually believe it, but because we don't want to believe that to be true. It's not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You assume you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them next month. It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with not wanting to even think about something that is so painful.
I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. Hope people had such a wonderful week. It's really sunny where I am right now, and it's honestly been so wonderful to just bask in the sunlight.
It's actually so hot. Unexpectedly, the UK is never this hot, but for some reason we've got la weather in the UK. But I'm just enjoying it and trying to sit in it, you know, rather than complain about it, because that's all we do. In the UK's complain about the weather. So this week's episode is actually based on something that I am currently going through in my own life right now. Like I said, I am back in the UK, and
I'm actually here for my grandma. She is a ninety one year old powerhouse and recently she got diagnosed with a cancer that she's not able to actually get treated. So if you have followed me for a while now you know how much I am absolutely obsessed with her and how deeply she has inspired me for my whole entire life, to be honest, But if this is the first time you're hearing about her, then I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to sum her up in a couple of minutes and some up just how
amazing she is. But I'm going to try to give you the essence of who she is as a person. I guess the first place to really start is that she talks to God more than she speaks to humans, and that is no lie. Like I'm not even over exaggerating.
She has woken up pretty much at five am, if not earlier, since I can remember, so that's at least thirty four years of her life, probably more because I'm pretty sure she started that long ago, where she sits down to pray and meditate till about nine ten am, and then again she sits down to pray at twelve o'clock in the afternoon, and then again at four pm until dinner time, and then again she sits down to pray at night before she sleeps, and then before she
goes to bed. When she's actually in bed, she'll also say a little prayer to God, and she speaks to God like it's not just a prayer moment. It's not a God I'm in all of you. It is a constant conversation with God that she is having day in, day out, every single minute of the day. If she's not speaking to someone, she's speaking to God. And I
just have never really experienced that. It's actually so beautiful to see someone so deeply connected to God through their practice, And honestly, I think that is what impacts the way that people feel around her. Her energy is just so dynamic. It pours out of her, not just in the words that she says, because actually most of the time she communicates in Gujarati, which is her mother tongue. She rarely speaks in English, but just in her presence. People feel
so much from her. There has never been a time where someone, whether it's friends or work colleagues or people on the street that meets her or see her smile, that they don't feel this instant connection to her and don't feel some sort of peace or ease from just seeing her. And I think that speaks a massive amount about her as a person, where she doesn't even have to use words, but people feel her presence. She has always left an impression of love and kindness in pretty
much every single person that she meets. She came to the UK as a refugee from Uganda, and she has worked tirelessly most of her life serving the community and teaching, and while doing that, she also served her family relentlessly, whether it's her children, to her grandchildren to her great grandchildren, and it has been with pure love and devotion throughout her life. I could go on, but I'm sure that from this you really understand just how special she is.
And honestly, when I was thinking about recording this podcast, I was a little bit apprehensive, if I'm honest, to try to record it a couple of times and it just wasn't feeling right. But it's hard to share something that is so that it's so sensitive and also so intimate, and also when you're going through something rather than even in retrospection, because sometimes easier to talk about something once
you've been through it. But then I realized that actually, this is why I want to speak about it right now, because I'm actually going through something that everybody in their life are going to go through. And I realize that this may not sound like a person that you're grieving right now. You may not even going through grief at all while you're listening to this episode. But I right now in my life, I'm going through living grief, which I never really thought that I would go through something
like that. I always thought grief came once someone leaves, like once you end up losing somebody, that's when grief happens.
But because we were given this notice where they told us that she can't get treatment and we have a certain amount of time left with her, I've gone through this process of living grief, and I've had so much time to reflect on it, and I've learnt so many unexpected life lessons throw it from this journey, and I really felt the urge to just share them with you, not because I feel like I've figured much out, but because maybe you've been here too, and maybe you're still
really struggling to grieve the person that you've lost, or unfortunately, one day you probably will be here and at that time, when that time comes, I really hope that something in this podcast episode will feel like a hand to hold through that journey and hopefully help to shift your perspective for the time that you need it most. You know, one thing that was highlighted to me throughout this time is how difficult we find it to talk about grief
and death. It's something that we find so difficult to discuss, but it should be something we're able to share so easily because it truly is one of the few certain things in life that will happen to us. In The Vaders, it actually says that there are four things that are certain that are going to happen to us while we are on this planet. That is old age, birth, disease, and death. And so those four things should be the things that we get we are able to talk about
the most because they are the only things that are certain. Now, birth is something we're very comfortable talking about, but old age we really struggle with, and death we struggle with even more, and disease we usually try and avoid. And so I think grief actually involves all three of these. Most of the time it is old age, disease and death and three of the things that we find the hardest to talk about. My grandma is actually still here
with us. She is a true soldier, and so most of this is going to be about living grief, of course, but I find living grief is something that sometimes can feel even harder because we suppress it, or we carry it quietly, or we have no idea how to manage it because we weren't expecting to have to go through that. And so, just to give you a little bit of context, when I first about my grandma's prognosis, I was actually
in the US. I was in LA And to be honest, since I moved away from my family maybe eight nine, I didn't even know how many years ago, maybe ten years ago. I do not think that there has been a day where I haven't woken up with some sort of mild worry in the back of my mind, whether it's about losing someone or something happening when I'm not there. It has been something that I wake up to every single day, and to be honest, I hadn't even noticed
that it was there. It became something that was so in the background, that became so normalized in my mind. And it's probably something I should have worked on a little bit earlier, but I didn't. But when I heard this news, I honestly was struggling to just function, Like
my anxiety was at an all time high. I was crying in my sleep and when I was awake, and I was just really struggling to focus in my work, focus in anything else that I was doing, and not being physically present was making it really hard for me. And it was really interesting because at that point, I was honestly trying to decide should I go back or should I not? Should I go back to London to be with my grandma or should I not? What about work?
What about my team? And then I realized, and I was being reminded constantly by the people around me, that what is all this for if not to be there for the people that you love in these moments, Like, how is this even a question for me? And you know, of course, for some people, there's really not a choice. It's a luxury to be able to spend have the time to spend with the people that you love in these moments, and so how could I take that for granted?
And so the morning that I found out, I booked a flight for that evening and I'm in my way to London, and I have been here ever since, spending time with her, looking after her, being a care for her, and it has been the most beautiful thing. There is not one moment that I regret doing this and making that decision. And so I guess the first gift grief really gave me was perspective. It really helps you to clearly see what actually matters, what is important to you,
what needs to be done. And for me, the first day of processing involved a lot of crying. I pretty much cried the entire day, no matter what someone was talking to me about or what I was doing. For some reason, it was triggering such a deep emotional response and that was just pouring tears out of my eyes. And then after I kind of had cried for hours and hours, I started to ask myself, what am I actually crying about? What part am I actually upset about?
And you know, people experience grief in so many different ways, and during this time experienced so many different things. For some people, it's a regret of the past, which I didn't have at the time. But that's usually the case for a lot of people. But for me, if I'm honest, my mind wasn't in the past at all. It was
actually more in the future. It was the future things that she might not be able to be part of, whether it's my future babies that wouldn't get to meet her, meet someone that honestly means everything to me and that has been so special to me my whole life, and that I envisioned having the opportunity to spend time with, Like that's the vision that I had every time I thought about having children, was them playing with my grandma as I was able to, Or she wouldn't get to
come and visit me in La or every time I come back home, I would usually stop on the way from the airport to see her first, because she's always waiting for me and giving me a hug. Like all those little things that in my mind I envisioned my future to have with her was suddenly not going to happen, And so I realized it was actually really important for me to recognize what grief I was feeling, and for you,
what grief are you feeling? Not just the feeling of overall sadness or loss, but identifying the thoughts and where they're coming from. And then it's about rewriting those stories that you've created in your mind of how life should go and understanding that that has to change and how you will adapt those stories. And once I came to that realization, I was able to break it down and
really talk myself through it. So I had to think about, Okay, how will I show her in the future with the people who didn't get a chance to meet her, whether it's pictures or videos or stories that I have to remember and write down. And you know, the biggest part
to all of this has been gratitude. And I know we hear that word so much, but honestly, it is a saving grace in all of this, reminding myself constantly of how lucky I was to even have a grandma for this long in my life, constantly finding my way back to gratitude for what was and what is rather than what isn't in the future, but also what a lesson in surrender lost can be. Surrendering to God's plan and detaching from trying to control the narrative, which my
mind had definitely done. I'd planned it all out and so it should be that way, and you are taking this from me, and that's how I was feeling. But no, that wasn't part of her story. It was only part of mine. And there's that saying, right. If you don't choose to surrender yourself, life will force you to surrender your plans, the things that you have in your life, everything. Eventually we have to let it go and let and surrender to the fact that we are not in control
of it. And grief sometimes can also be a little bit of a selfish thing. It becomes about your loss and not necessarily theirs. Because I realized once I came back home and I saw how much pain she was in, there was no part of me that would have wanted her to be alive just to fulfill my stories if it meant her living in a way that she would not want to, living with integrity and without pain and being able to get up and walk around or be
able to shower herself, whatever those things were. I realized when I came back there was no part of me that thought I would come back and want her not to be here, which sounds really crazy to say, but I did realize that I would rather her not be here and not be in the pain that she was in, than be here just to fulfill the dreams that I had created or the stories I had created in my
mind that involved her. So after I got past that initial twenty four hours of just distraughtness, if that's a word, this distraught state that I was in, I then realized how precious and how incredible it is that God gave us time. That God was so kind to even give us this time, to give us notice, like to give us this warning, to give us the chance and opportunity to do everything that I've ever wanted to do for her.
I got that chance to do that. And also how blessed she is that she gets to prepare herself spiritually, mentally, and physically for death, and that we get to serve her through that journey. And it's been so beautiful to watch her actually, because my Mum has been such an anchor for her in that journey that she's taking. Now, you know, it talks about this in our scriptures as well, of how there is a preparation that is required when
you are dying. And I know that sounds really crazy because like you won't always know when you're gonna die, But actually that saying of yolo you only live once, really actually what it means is every single day we have to realize there is chance that we could be our last. And so how can I prepare? How am
I in constant preparation for that moment? So I have less attachments, So I have done all the things I want to do, So I've said all the things I want to have said so that I can, so that I've experienced the things I want to experience, and so that I have let go of all the things that I need to let go of. And it's really interesting.
My mum told me this recently that a big part of that preparation is detachment and detachment from the worldly things, whether it's physical objects or whether it's attachment to people and relationships. And that doesn't mean to say that you don't love them, but you let go of the physical attachment you have to them, you can have a soul to soul connection. You can understand that you're spiritually connected, but not pining for anybody, not hankering for anyone, not
trying to stay on this earth for anybody. And my mum was telling us that even in the moment when someone is passing away, like in their last moments, actually the best thing is, especially for family members, is not to even touch their body, not to keep them attached to their physical body by holding them or holding their hand, but just to be praying around them and singing meditations
to them around like as they're passing. And that is actually the most beautiful thing you can do to them, because a lot of the time holding them is for us and not for them. And so my mom has been doing these beautiful prayers with her every single night.
She has been sharing all the words of wisdom that are in our scriptures about the moments of death and how our minds should be thinking, and how it's constantly not why do I have this pain, but seeing it as a gift from God, or saying all I want to do is be with you, like God, any whatever the plan is, let the plan be for me to be with you. I don't want control over anything else except for that, or not control over that. But I'm not trying to control anything in my life. This is
my only desire is to be with you. And it's been incredible to watch my mom, even though it's such a difficult time for her to just have full Her full focus has been I'm getting her ready for this moment. And so gratitude has definitely seriously been a savior for a spiraling mind. Gratitude is this ability to truly, not fakely, not forcefully, but truly see the blessings in the lessons
and experiences that life brings us. It's believing in the magic of life and that life is happening for you, not against you, And if you so choose to adjust your vision to see that, how different life would be. How we experience life is a choice. How we perceive experiences is also a choice, And would you not rather be in that state of mind rather than seeing life as a dark place. Even when you are going through your darkest moments, you need that little glimmer or that
glimpse of something hopeful, and gratitude gives you that. And so one of the other reflections that I have had during this time is how we have to become more familiar with death. And let me explain what I mean by that. You know, even if we know the theory, which we all do, that everybody dies. That is a fact. Most of us live in this illusion of immortality. We live like the people we love are going to be here forever, not because we actually believe it, but because
we don't want to believe that to be true. It's not conscious, it's just how the mind works. You assume you'll call them the next week, you'll visit them next month. It's delusional optimism at its best, mixed with not wanting to even think about something that is so painful, like our body and our mind want the path of least resistance, the least pain, and so naturally, if the best way is to block something out or not believe it, we will.
And I remember when Jay and I got married, and I would tell him my anxiety of losing someone and not being there when they are in pain or when something's happened to them, and he would always say to me, we have to talk about and think about this right now. Whether it's our parents, whether it's our grandparents, we have to start discussing it from now. We need to actually talk about it on a regular basis, because if we don't, when it happens, it will hit us even harder and
the pain will be unbearable. So we need to start processing this and talking about it and crying about it from right now. And that changed the way that I experienced life after that. I really believe that the more you think about something, the less power it has over you, especially if it's something that you fear, and then you can start to act in ways accordingly. So I started from the moment I moved away, I started to because
of this fear and anxiety that I had. I started to plan things that I want to do with family, whether it was holidays, whether it was experiences, whether it was schedule time that I spend with each person, and I kept thinking about what I wouldn't want to feel at their funeral or what regrets I may have, and then I just took action. And so as morbid as that sounds, it's actually really empowering because you no longer feel like you're waiting for something to happen to act,
and that's usually what we end up doing. Something happens, then you frantically act in ways that you wouldn't normally, and you can't actually think st But if you start thinking about it from now, you have clarity, you have time, you have peace of mind to make these decisions without feeling erratic. And I remember hearing this one quote, and I don't know whether there was rather than not Swami
who said this, I think it was. But fear comes from lack of knowledge, and death is a scary thing, especially when you don't know what you believe about it. And so fear coming from lack of knowledge means the more you understand death, the more you figure out what you believe about this process of death. Like for me, I believe that there are the soul is immortal, the soul continues, but the physical body changes. And having a deep faith in something can really help doing these moments
as well. And there are these beautiful verses actually in the chapter two of bugwig Ghita about life after physical death. And that's why actually in our tradition they say the person left their body. They don't say they died, they say they left their body. And this verse in the bugwig Ghita, it says, just as a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones. So it's a verse that's helping us to realize that
it is not the end, it's just a transition. And there's this other verse that says, just as the embodied soul continuously passes in this body from childhood to youth to old age, the soul similarly passes into another body at death. The wires are not deluded by this. So this verse is basically saying, just as we move through different stages in life in the same body, our body eventually moves on to a new one. It is pretty
much the same. And so just as we think of going from youth to old age in the same way as we transition in that, we transition our physical bodies too. We move from body to body, planet to planet. Even I'm really not saying that you should believe this, but I do think that you need to know what you believe in, and if you don't, then spend some time reading different paths, different perspectives and see which feels right
to you. And I really think it will help you in your journey in grief and not feeling as much fear about it. Azoic philosopher, and I always she has name but Epiticus. So death is nothing dreadful, but the
judgment that death is dreadful. This is what is dreadful, and so it does, it creates dread in us, and so coming to a place of deep acceptance of death comes by remembering death often and understanding that it is not something to be feared, but is something to be prepared for, not as something morbid, but as a tool to really focus on what truly matters, and as a celebration of the life that we get to live every single day. The one thing that my grandma has always
wanted is our family to be together. And just like most families, we of course have had our ups and downs what family hasn't, But honestly, this has brought us all together in a way nothing else ever has, and she honestly made her deep desire come to fruition through this.
And it's been really interesting to observe each family member and how fear and pain can be expressed in such different ways through different people, especially you know when communication isn't there, And this time I feel my family from the start chose to lead with compassion, kindness, and understanding and have constantly reminded each other of this, and that has been such a beautiful thing to watch and I think it's so important to remember this when you go
through it and whenever you do. It is hard enough as it is, and adding family tension on top of that is just such an unnecessary weight. Every single person grieves differently. Some talk more, some retreat, some keep busy, some cry openly. There is honestly no manual. Just because someone's grief doesn't look like mine or like yours, it doesn't mean they're not feeling it. And so the last thing people need is a judge judy during this time.
So I encourage you to keep your heart open, be deeply compassionate at all times, and leave all that judgment at the door, because there is no space left for that amongst all the feelings that people are feeling during this time. And you know, it's actually quite common for people to sometimes panic and become possessive or aggressive in their desire to connect to the person that's leaving, and
it's quite understandable. You know, they end up feeling worried that they're not going to get the time that they wanted, and so sometimes that leads to competition or possessiveness or even a sense of competition. But the fact is that every single person has a different relationship with that person, and that understanding, I think is really key during times
like this, especially in a family dynamic. I have always had a role of service to my grandma like that is why it was a no brainer to me to leave everything and come and be her care and look after her day and day out, because that has always been my role with her, especially when she's been in and out of hospital over the past couple of years. That is the role that I took, and that feels most comfortable to me to look after her physically when
she needs it. I actually always joke around saying that I think that she was my daughter in my past life because my heart is always pulled to care for her in that way. And then my uncle has this beautiful ability to make her laugh whenever he's with her and to bring lightness to her day. My mom looks after her spiritually. One of my cousins asks her questions and creates moments for reflection about her past for my grandma.
Another cousin does her self care, which was does her nails for her, makes her feel really special, and does her hair. And there's just so many different roles unlimited roles that we can have in someone's life. And so when you get to this point, don't worry about what anybody else's relationship is with that person. It is not a competition, but it is about connection, really trying to connect deeply to that person how you want to and how you see your role being in their life and
the connection that you're desiring. So don't think about what anyone else is doing. Just think about what your relationship with that person looks like. Love has so many languages, and in grief we express them in our own ways. And you know, that reminds me of something one of my family members told me when she found out the news.
She hasn't necessarily had as much time with my grandma as others may have, and she said when she thought of coming back to London to see my grandma, she said, I thought people are going to be wondering why I'm coming back, because you know, I'm not really as close to her as everybody else. But I really wanted to be there and have these times with her. And she has made such beautiful gestures and memories for my bar But I'm telling you this story because she chose to come.
She didn't let her thoughts of people's perceptions or the barriers that came up for her stop her from doing what she actually wanted to do. And I actually think more often than not, people choose not to and that becomes the biggest source of regret. You cannot change the past, but you can definitely make choices right now that matter. And you could change your relationships with someone within days if you want to. I have experienced this through friendship.
But it's not about how long you've known someone, it's how deep that connection is, and you can do that within such a short period of time. And so her nearing absence has actually made us all so much more present than ever, and that's pretty amazing. I always hear about these stories of people holding on to grudges or stories from the past, even when someone is on their deathbed and beyond, even once they've lost that person, and it makes me so sad, not for the person that's dying,
but for the person carrying that. And don't do that to yourself. If you're listening to this and you are holding on to the weight of anger or frustration or any emotion that doesn't bring you some sort of relief or joy, don't do that to yourself. There are some horrific things that have happened to people, and I can completely understand why you would hold on to it, But letting go of it doesn't make it okay. All it does is relieve you of the weight that you are
carrying and holding onto that. Once that person has left, it's only affecting you, and so you have to have those difficult conversations, whether it's or the person that's still alive. We have to make the hard decision whether they've already left you and how you want to continue your life holding on to them in that way or letting go completely.
And sometimes it can be a little bit of pride and eager that has to be swallowed and letting go of other people's perceptions and do what you know you need to do for that relationship, because regret is even harder when you know you could have done it but you didn't. That's when I really think it the most.
It really did get me taking actions on things that I had been wanting to do for so long, Like I took all of our home videos and I sent them off to get digitalized so we can actually all watch them and have those memories and those tapes have been sitting there since I was born, and for the past few years, I've been saying I want to do it, I want to do it, but I didn't get round
to it. And so all thirty of these tapes that we hadn't even watched since we recorded them, I finally got round to doing it, and I organized all the pictures that I have with my grandma over the past few years. I've also collected all these stories about her to hopefully create this illustration book that I can give to family members or the people in our life that you know in the future don't get to meet her,
to really preserve her memories. And if anybody's interested. This is not an ad at all, but I actually use this platform. This one's based in the UK, but it's called Digital Converters for my home videos and it's amazing because it just goes online and you don't have to have anything physical, but you can access them whenever you want. And when I do end up making that book, I will definitely let you know what I end up using
for it, because I'm really excited to create that. But I really recommend asking questions to that person become curious. I have learned so much about my grandma in the last couple of weeks that I was surprised about. And you know what, even inspired me to start asking questions to my mom and my dad because I realized I only really know them since I've been born. They had a whole life before me, and so I've had little glimpses of things. But I started asking deeper questions and
it gave me so much insight into their life. It helped me to understand who they are now, but also gave me so much more gratitude for what they have given me after hearing about their story. Even if anybody isn't ill in your life, you can still start asking those questions now so that you can get to know the people that you love a little bit better. And lastly, I just want to say that you do not have
to keep it together for anyone. You have to express and you need to let it out, and you need to share how you feel and it's so okay to be sad. Actually, the more you show your feelings, the more it gives permissions for others too. I really saw that through this with my family. As soon as one person broke down crying. You know, other people started sharing their emotions too, and so be honest about your feelings throughout this You'll be crying one moment and laughing the next.
And I actually remember when my granddad passed away. I was younger, I think I was maybe eleven, and I felt bad because me and my cousins had these moments of laughter over something silly during the funeral, and I thought, we shouldn't We should be sad right now. We can't be laughing, we shouldn't be happy. And even now I go through so many emotions. I can be doing this podcast right now where I'm smiling, and the last two times I was trying to record it, I was crying
my eyes out. And ebbs and flows throughout the day, depending on where your mind's at. But the reality is you can be two things at once. You can be trying to get on with your life while still having a person in your life that is dying. You can be holding grief in one hand and gratitude in the other. And you can be heartbroken and still laugh intensely at something that your friend said that was so funny that
it made you eyes water. And I have gone through all of that in this one month that I've been here, you can feel deep sadness and still go kill your workout and also look after yourself. And so just know that there should be no guilt in still living your life and having all these other emotions. I don't think it makes sense to stay sad constantly. I don't think that's what the person would want, or I don't think that's the reality of grief either, And so allow yourself
to ebb and flow through those emotions. And I mentioned looking after yourself, and also just wanted to touch on this because I've experienced a lot of physical things in my body during this time, and it always would say, I'm not stressed. I'm not stressed, And to be honest, I think my mind is quite resilient and I can handle lot of things mentally, but sometimes your physical body reacts differently. So from one of my family members, her
hair started falling out. For another family member, the anxiety is at an all time high. For someone else, they've had hormonal shifts that are affecting their physical body. So it really made me realize we have to start noticing all the little things that are happening in our body
and our mind during this time. So even if you're not holding stress mentally, really pay attention to your physical body too, because you really have to check in with yourself and see are really looking after yourself, because you can't look after them if you're not looking after you. And I know you hear that all the time, but I think that also helps you feel a little bit better. Like me going for my workouts and meeteing my friends randomly, like all of that has really helped me to also
move through this and have a better attitude about it. Anyway, these have just been some of the thoughts that I've been journaling about over the past few weeks. And if you are listening to this, say look prayer for my grandma's onward journey, And if you are going through something similar right now, I really hope that this has helped
you in some way. And I may not know their name, and I may not know who they are, but anybody that is listening to this right now, I deeply do send a prayer out to anybody going through grief, what anybody in the process of pain or suffering in their last moments, because it can be a scary time for everyone, and sending your so much love and healing energy. I know this is a really rough topic to talk about, but it is like therapy for me being able to share it, and I hope that it is also therapy
for you. Sending your so much love and dm me. I would love to hear all your stories and any other recommendations that you have or experiences that you've had going through something like this.