¶ Intro
You know, a bigger part of this, actually, if I think about it, has been the more that I become more comfortable and loving to myself, the more I'm able to show up and feel like I am confident in who I am. And that means you have to really start to show love to yourself. Like, if you're constantly trying to hide yourself, there's basically you telling your body and yourself that you're not worthy of being in those rooms. You're not beautiful enough, or you're not smart enough, or
you're not whatever enough. Like, stop saying that to yourself. Every single thing that you are saying to yourself is what you're conscious of other people thinking about you.
I'm Raley w.
Kiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Something that I have struggled with for a very very long time since I can remember, to be quite honest, and as time's gone on and I've had to go to bigger places, places with more people, I noticed that it got worse and worse and so I went to touch on the
topic of social anxiety. We all think that we're the only one walking into a party feeling anxious, and then suddenly you meet someone who doesn't make eye contact with you, or another person who blurts random information out when you actually didn't ask them for it, or someone else who stays quiet in the corner and actually doesn't talk to anybody. And then there's that one person who's so loud and
just won't stop talking. And one thing I've realized is that most people, I say ninety nine percent of people walk into a room having social anxiety, being worried about walking in, getting worried about how they're going to make conversation with people. It just manifests differently in every single person. And so you may think, wow, how is that person so confident because they're speaking so much, But actually that's their way of coping with the anxiety is verbal diary.
I have a friend who's like, I.
Don't even know why I told that person that it just came out of me. I wasn't intending to even tell them that about myself that I did. And then for me, I'm the type of person who will walk into a room and try and be as invisible as possible, or find somebody that I know very well.
And stick to them for the whole entire night.
And so I've met people who I've always thought are so confident and they tell me how anxious they actually get. And I've met people who are actually very quiet and they actually ooze out being calm and confident, but they're really panicked on the inside. So I feel like you can't often tell when someone is going through anxiety when they're in social situations.
¶ Why I've Canceled Plans Last Minute
Social interactions can actually.
Be so nerve wracking, and at times, for some it can trigger the feelings of fear and avoidance. I honestly cannot tell you how many times I have said yes to going somewhere and pull down an hour before or even got fully ready, put my outfit on, done my makeup, got in in the car, and got right back out, changed back into my pajamas or sweats, and said I can't make it, purely because my anxiety.
Took over all logic and reason in that moment.
And honestly, there have been times where I've regretted doing it, and times where I really haven't, and I was really grateful that I listened to myself. It was just me protecting myself from something that made me feel uncomfortable or at a time that I didn't feel my best to show up for other people. But really and truly, social anxiety is just the fear that someone else is going to see the things that we feel the most insecure about.
Whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's this heightened fear of judgment and rejection. And it can be because of so many things, right like, either it's a past negative experience. You've gone to a party before, you've gone to an event before and somebody made you feel uncomfortable and you'ved and that's lingered on inside of you.
You've kept that with you, so.
Now every time you enter a similar zone or a similar environment, it triggers that feeling.
Again.
It could be fear from the perception that others are evaluating us critically. You know, we're used to thinking so negatively about ourselves. We go into an environment and we
think that person must be thinking that about me. But also, if you look back in time, us as a society, from way back in the old ages, we are meant to be part of a social group it was essential to our survival and so genetically we probably still have that in us that makes us fear rejection so deeply that we just want to be part of a community, We want to be part of something, and that desire to be part of something in this day and age creates a fear.
Of being rejected from it.
I know there's always a spectrum, right, Some have it worse than others, and the fears may be deep rooted. It may cause panic attacks. So some of these tips may not help as much. But if you're someone like me, who I really got tired of myself, I was like, I am missing out on things. I'm not doing things that I want to do that I'm excited to do
because of this overwhelming fear that takes over me. And I honestly just got sick and tired of missing out on things or being somewhere but not being fully present because I was so in my head coming away from things that I was spending time doing and not feeling like I gained anything from it, because was I really there?
Was I even present in that moment? Was I even enjoying myself the way that I know I could if I wasn't so worried about what other people's people are thinking, and so I decided I had to make a change, like I needed to do something because I didn't want to go the rest of my life feeling that way. So ione to share some of the things that I have done that have really helped me with social anxiety. And some are small, some are big, but most of them are very easy things to do and implement into
¶ It's Not Always About You
your life. So the first thing I want to share with you as a reminder that I have to It's like a mantra that I have to tell myself every single time I get in my head. It is not always about you. You may believe that the focus and attention is going to be on you. You may think they're going to notice every single thing that you could possibly imagine is wrong with you. But let me tell you, the focus is probably not as much on you as
you think. I read something along the lines of this a while back, and it really shifted my mindset.
Because we are a little bit self obsessive, we.
Do think that the world revolves around us, So we end up going into a room and saying, of course they're going to notice the spot on my face, and of course they're going to think I was rude because I didn't say X, Y and Z, when really, most people are so fixated on themselves in that moment they probably don't even notice. They don't notice that spot on your face when you're talking to them, They don't notice that your hair's in a specific way that you're so
conscious of. So much of it is us projecting our insecurities onto other people and believing that that's what they're seeing.
I actually have this really weird fear.
I don't know whether you guys can relate to this, but I used to have a fear and still kind of do it of being overdressed. And it all stems from not wanting to stand out. So I wanted to make sure that if I was going to an event, my whole like my questioning. My line of questioning would be, do you think this is too much? Is this overdressed? Do you think I'm wearing something that's gonna stand out too much? Are you sure this outfit isn't too much?
Are you sure this dress isn't too much? And that would be the line of questioning before anything else that I would ask either my husband or my friends. I'm like you sure this isn't too much, and I realized it literally was because I just didn't want to stand out or seem like I cared too much and put in too much effort.
How pathetic is that?
Or going to the gym as a beginner, That's something I'm sure many people can relate to. You don't want to embarrass yourself or for people to think that you don't know what you're doing. But the problem with that is that it stops you from showing up for yourself or even getting better at something that you want to be better at. So the first reminder you have to
give yourself is it's not always about you. And the second thing that you have to really think about is, am I doing this because it's going to make me do something I want to do? Am I stopping myself from doing something that's going to make me feel better, something that is been on my to do list for such a long time, something that is actually going to
¶ Are You Stopping Yourself From Feeling Better?
make me feel better once I've done it. And so sometimes you have to think about the end feeling and the end result to get yourself out of your mind in the moment. The next thing is, I feel like we've all created these different personalities, especially if you're someone who has an online platform, but even if you're going to work or you have all these different versions of yourself, these different hats that we wear. And what I've realized
is the more that there's duality in those personalities. So I'm one person when I'm online, but then I'm a
¶ Show Up as Your True Self
completely different person when I'm offline, and then I'm a completely different person when you meet me at an event. So one thing I realized is when there's so much duality between these different versions of ourself, it actually causes a lot of disruption within us. It makes us less confident to actually show up as ourself because if you think about it, it's just all these different personalities that are battling with each other.
But who are you really? And I think the more that you.
Show up as yourself, whether it's online, offline, whether it's at work, whether it's at home, the more comfortable you'll feel when you have to go into these situations. You don't feel like you have to put a mask on, you don't feel like you're having to create a version of yourself that doesn't actually exist within you. You get to just show up as you, So the less you create a version of yourself and you actually just be
who you are. The easier these situations actually get. I can actually really relate to this because behind the camera I can be quite confident. I can dance, I can sing, I can do all these things. But when people would meet me in real life, they'd expect that overtly expressive.
Person in real life.
And I am very expressive in real life, but usually when I meet people for the first time, I can be quite shy, and so that ended up being quite confusing for the people I was meeting, because when they're being so sweet and giving me so much energy, I would recluse and become very shy. And I realized that also wasn't fair, because of course they're expecting that person
that's all they've experienced of me. And so I started learning how to match the energy that they had, or match the person that I was online as the person I am offline, and whether that meant me toning down who I was online so that those two personalities met, or whether it's bumping up the energy when I'm meeting
these people because that's who they deserve to meet. But essentially it had to be an authentic version of me had to be someone that I felt comfortable being, and so the next thing that I start doing, I would be like, Okay, let me ease myself into this. So the first step is getting myself to the party. Let's say I do that. I managed to get myself ready dressed in the car and actually drive to the place, get out of the car, and I end up at
the event. At this point, if you're someone who suffers with social anxiety, your anxiety is probably at its peak
¶ Setting Goals and Giving Yourself an Exit Strategy
before even entering in. And I would also keep telling myself before I left that you don't have to stay there for that long. You can show up and you can go for as long as you want, and you can leave whenever you want. Just talk to one person the whole night and you'll be fine. Give yourself these like safety talks before you enter into a place that doesn't feel safe. Tell yourself that it's okay to leave, Tell yourself that it's okay to not speak to anybody.
Basically set yourself goals for that evening and that really helps, and also give yourself a way out.
It's like, Okay, if I want to leave.
I'm just going to say I'm going to the bathroom and do a quick Irish exit and just leave and message the person after say I had to go somewhere, And that really helped me to not feel like I was committing to something that felt larger than what I could handle. I also think it's important to start having more in person conversations. You know, the way that our society is now, everything is done via a screen, especially after COVID, We've gotten used to having meetings over a screen.
We're used to having interactions with our friends more often over WhatsApp or text message, and so I think it basically has completely changed the way that we are used
¶ Get Comfortable with Uncomfortable Conversations
to navigating social interactions. They become a one off rather than a day to day occurrence, and so start talking to people more in real life. It sounds so obvious, but if you're not in a job where you have in person interaction, you may actually not come into contact with new people for days, maybe weeks. So whether it's the cashier at a grocery store or someone at your gym, like, start making conversation. It doesn't have to be in depth conversation,
but become comfortable with interacting with new people. Talk to your Amazon delivery guy, I was probably there every single day, like have conversations and interact with unfamiliar people, because the more that you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, the more comfortable it will make you feel. It really helps you to retrain and rewire your brain and create a comfort level with something that you were once uncomfortable with.
And it really is such a debilitating thing. Like how much energy is wasted in anxiety way more than in happiness. I would be anxious all the way there, anxious in my head throughout the party, worried about how they're seeing me, and then waiting to leave as soon as I got there.
It was such a boring way to live. And as much as I try to convince myself it's them and it's not me, it's something that that person did to make me feel uncomfortable, there really was a pattern that I kept seeing and the common denominator was definitely me, not them. And so I made a decision to stop
putting myself into these uncomfortable situations. No getting in the car, getting ready, and no I had to show up and have the uncomfortable conversations, make small talk, and I'll be honest, I still get social anxiety but I can definitely hold my own now. I can really walk into a room or walk onto a stage, or walk into places that I would have never thought I could, and have full on conversations and maybe sweating on the inside, but I'm able to show up and move past that and override it.
And I think that's the point, right.
Your body is constantly trying to keep you in comfort, your mind's constantly trying to keep you in comfort. But comfort isn't always where you need to be to do the things that you want to do and to become the person you want to become. And so once I took one step, it became easy to take the next, and the next and the next. And now when I look back, I don't realize it, but my family does. And every time I speak on stage or walk into a room, my husband's like, oh my gosh, I can't
believe how confident you've become. And I don't often realize it because it's been such a process for me that it's been bit by bit by bit, but it seems to be apparent so many more people.
And yeah, I still feel those feelings inside.
So that's probably also why I don't see the progress but if I think about it, it's true, Like I really can make good conversation when I go out and I'm on flipping stages with like five hundred people in front of me, and I'm giving a talk to them, like that would have been something I would have never even dreamt of doing five six years ago.
You know. Another big part of it for me was a small talk.
I'm like, God, I'm going to run out of things to say to these people, because what else am I going to talk about?
The weather, what.
They've done in the day, what holidays they've got coming up next?
Where are you based?
Like the same questions over and over again. And so what I found is actually getting into a meaningful conversation with someone feels like more of a win than having lots of conversations with lots of small conversations or small talk with lots of different people. And so actually trying to have meaningful conversations it feels like you've created a connection and you've learned something and you've come away with something better, which actually boosts your confidence to have an
interaction the next time. And so what I've started learning to do is just being honest with someone, like sometimes being vulnerable and honest can create the best connections and can skip the small talk them my god, I was so nervous to be here today, and they're like, oh my gosh, so was I. And then you suddenly have
¶ Be Honest About Your Anxiety
a common thread of something and then you can start
talking about anything and everything. But creating a moment of vulnerability when you are feeling that way or just being honest, it relieves you because you feel like you've let go of it and you've told someone, so your behavior or how you're acting or whatever it is doesn't seem as crazy because you've already told the person I'm feeling anxious, and more often than not, they'll probably be like, you know what, I was nervous to come here by myself too,
And so start off with honesty and vulnerability and it kind of allows you to settle into the room and settle into the situation better. The next thing is to ask yourself, so what So what if they don't like what you're wearing? So what if they don't like you? So what if they didn't say hello to you? So what if you embarrass yourself? So what if I got verbal diarrhea? And give them more information than they asked for.
Go through all your worst case scenarios and ask yourself, so what Working through your fears reduces the emotional power of them. And so when you start realizing one how
¶ The "So What" Method
sometimes irrational those thoughts are, and two what those fears actually are, you get to a point of saying, Okay, so, even if all these terrible things happen, what's the worst repercussion of it?
What's the worst response? What's the worst.
Scenario I could be in? And you'll probably realize it's not as bad as you actually think it will be. You know, most of the time it'll be something so small, and when you think about it over and over again, you have a repeated thought over and over again, it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. So something that was actually not that scary to you becomes way more scary between getting ready and getting to your car, because that's the only thought you've had.
Repeating in your mind.
And so you have to learn how to break that circuit. And so the so what theory is your theory? There's so what process is a good one to go through in your mind? Rather than repeating the thought of this is what's going to happen? This is how bad it's going to be. I'm just so nervous about being there. That's going to make it so much worse because you're not finding a solution. All you're doing is repeating the negative, anxious thought, which is making that thing bigger and bigger
and bigger in your mind. And so walk through your fears and hopefully that I'll make you walk to the car faster and get in it and get to the event. Also focus on the other person, like ask questions, distract your mind and fill it with curiosity, like take genuine interest in other people. Listen to the words they're saying, and start with simple questions like what do you do,
where do you live? Are you planning any vacations? And then if you want to get to know them deeper, ask what are they excited about in life right now? Or ask about their culture and traditions. Humans are actually
¶ Ask More Questions and Become Curious
so fascinating and also love talking about themselves. So if you want the heat off, you become curious and create good conversation with someone else. You could even go there with planned questions. I know this all sounds very silly, but it actually really helps. Like go there with three culturally relevant topics to talk about you that you feel really comfortable speaking on.
So it could be a show that's trending.
Oh my gosh, have you seen Nobody Wants This on Netflix lately?
It is so good.
I really liked how they did this, this and this. It was so wonderful how they brought in culture into you know, a show, and.
It was just feel good. Whatever it is.
Find a show that you really like and something that can lead to another conversation or a holiday that's coming up. Oh my gosh, for the holidays and going back to see my family. I'm so excited. Where are your family based what traditions do you have for the holidays? Or something from the news. You could get political if you wanted to, probably shouldn't, but something on the news that happened, that's happened. Oh my goodness. Did you hear about X Y and Z in Arizona? It was so terrible. I've
heard things like that are happening so often. Is that something you've experienced. I don't know, you know, just get creative with the thoughts, with the topics that you can discuss. It could even be rest that you visited that were amazing. What I do is try and find topics that I feel really comfortable talking about, and one of those is obviously food, And so I'll usually start off about restaurants or like, have you been anywhere fun to eat lately?
Or when was the last restaurant that you've really enjoyed, And then it's going towards a conversation that I know I'm comfortable with, and so I can then navigate the conversation better because I feel comfortable with the topic. By the way, if you're having people over to your house, or if it's people that you already know but you
still get anxious, conversation cards are so good. We've started using them a lot, and it helps you to one have deeper, meaningful conversations, but also takes the heat of having to create the thoughts in your mind or create the questions in your mind. So if your friends coming over, it's a really nice way to understand each other better.
Or even on a date situation, if you're getting really anxious about going on a date, take some conversation cards and get into a conversation with those prompts, because often just starting the conversation is what's difficult. Here's another thing that really hit me. Sometimes it's not about you. Sometimes it's just showing up, because showing up is showing love.
And so you have to think about how much it would mean to that person for you to show up, how much it would mean to that person for you to commit to what you said you were going to do.
And so sometimes you.
Have to just get show up because of duty, a duty of being a good friend, of reciprocation, because that
¶ Sometimes You Just Have to Show Up
person shows up for you in that way, and so that has to often override the anxious feelings because you're like, you know what, my love is more powerful than my anxiety. My love for this person is what's going to drive me. My anxiety is what's keeping me here. But let my love drive me to actually do this, because often it is some like for me, I realized it was selfish a lot of the time. I don't want this person to see this. I don't know if spot on my face.
So I'm going to bail because I don't feel comfortable. No, but my friend is so excited about me showing up for her, or this is an event that she's put so much hard work into and if I cancel last minute, it's just not a nice thing. To do, and so morally as a friend or as a human, showing up because you said you would is also something you have to keep in mind that will get you to overcome
your anxiety. You know, and Ivada talks about how anxiety is too much movement happening in the mind, too much going through your mind. There, rapid movement happening. And so because your mind and your body are connected, if you try and find a way to slow down your body, it will also help to slow down your mind. So, whether that means taking deep breaths, three deep breaths, like
¶ Ayurvedic Tips for Managing Anxiety
the goddessy is just taking that one breath has slowed down my entire mind, whether it's grounding yourself, going outside and being in nature, basically trying to slow down physically to allow your mind to slow down internally too. Also, like sing songs out loud to yourself, sometimes you just need to get things out of your body too, because you're holding it so much inside of you. And so on your way to the even put on a loud song and sing your heart out, like scream it at
the top of your lungs. And apparently you can't sing and have anxious thoughts, so I really like that. So now every time I'm like going somewhere, I put on a song they're like a hype song, and I'll sing to it and it makes me feel so much better. There's also this feeling of like what am I missing
out on? And I noticed this about myself where because I was so conscious of so many different things, I was missing out on experiences with friends, with family, I was missing out on creating memories with people.
I was missing out on being present at times.
And that's also why I noticed my memory lacks so much,
¶ The Cost of Anxiety
whether it's names, whether it's things that I've done in the past. I realized I wasn't actually physically present because I was so in my mind, because I was so anxious about being in that place. I wasn't absorbing my surroundings. I wasn't absorbing the conversation I was having. Someone tells me their name, it doesn't even sit in my mind for a second. It barely left their mouth and entered my ears. And so I realized how much I was missing out on. And so think about that at the
end of your life. And this sounds very morbid, but are you going to care whether you showed up when you felt like this or look like this, or are you going to be so upset with yourself that you didn't enjoy those experiences? Which part are you going to take with you and which one's going to mean the most?
And you know, if you're someone who doesn't actually get to interact with people very often, join a club, Like we actually go to pick a ball courts a lot and we met so many friends just by randomly talking to people who are playing in the court.
Next to us.
Find hobbies or run clubs or bowling clubs, knitting clubs. There's clubs for pretty much everything. Now, we are built for connection, and the energy exchange that we get with
¶ Join A Club
people in real life fuels and comforts us. It shouldn't become a point of fear. Like it shouldn't become a point of anxiety. We are humans, and humans are built for connection. The energy exchange that we get with people in real life fuels us and comforts us. It shouldn't become a point of fear or anxiety. Unfortunately, we've just reprogrammed our brains to feel that way because we've reduced
the social interaction so much. And so trust me when I say, having these in person interactions is what's going to fuel you and make you feel more content in life than hiding and shying away from it. Make sure
you're going to these places feeling comfortable. I noticed when I push myself to wear things out of my comfort zone, or do my hair in ways that don't make me feel comfortable, or my makeup, and I overdo it too much, I'm already uncomfortable, and then I'm doing something out of my norm, which is then making me even more anxious about it, and so it just adds to the problem. So go out in something that makes you feel yourself
¶ How Clothing Impacts Confidence
and your best. It doesn't matter if you're repeating at outfit for thee hundredth time. Maybe that's your comfort clothing that allows you to show up as the best version of you, as your authentic version of you. Whether it's clothes, makeup, jewelry, just pick things that make you feel cute and make you feel like a boss, not make you feel self conscious or just uncomfortable, Like, who's got time to be uncomfortable?
These days were things that make you feel great. Clothing can change the way that you carry yourself and that you walk into a room. When I have worked with stylists before. They always say I have such a distinct they can easily tell when I feel happy in something and when I don't. When I don't, I'll walk out and I'm like tugging at areas or I'm slouching downwards. I'm kind of not looking at myself in the mirror as much. I'm like trying to hide different parts of myself.
And as soon as it's an outfit that I feel amazing in, I walk out strutting my stuff like shoulders high, head high, looking at myself in the mirror, and so start to recognize what are those things that make you feel.
Really good in your own body.
At the end of the day, we are living in an anxious generation. There is a book called The Anxious Generation.
I recommend reading it.
But I have to say this, all these little tips have definitely helped me become more confident in shoving up. And you know, a bigger part of this, actually, if I think about it, has been the more that I become more comfortable and loving to myself, the more I'm
¶ Self-Love is Key to Confidence
able to show up and feel like I am confident in who I am. And that means you have to really start to show love to yourself. Like, if you're constantly trying to hide yourself, there's basically you telling your body and yourself that you're not worthy of.
Being in those rooms.
You're not beautiful enough, or you're not smart enough, or you're not whatever enough. Like, stop saying that to yourself. Every single thing that you are saying to yourself is what you're conscious of other people thinking about you. And so the less you negatively speak to yourself, the less you're gonna imagine that other people are thinking that about you.
So start telling yourself better things about yourself, Like stop putting yourself down, Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and pointing out all the things that you hate about your body. I think all those things really make a difference on a daily basis. Look, you spend the most amount of time with yourself, So forget what anybody else is thinking or saying.
What you thinking or saying about yourself. That's what's really.
Causing all of these insecurities and anxiety in your mind. And look, like I mentioned before, I know that this is such a spectrum. I know friends who will have honest panic attacks when they are in situations like that, and things are very deep rooted from traumas that have happened when you know, when you're younger or throughout your life, and so seeing a therapist that can help you go
through this rewiring or retraining. You know, cognitive behavioral therapy I've heard can be so useful in this, and so trying different methods. If these don't work, then definitely try and seek help in a therapist because life is too precious and time is too precious to be going through it in a state of anxiety every single day. Let me know if this is helpful. We'd love to hear any kind of feedback, and sending your so much love.
And next time you get scared about going somewhere, put on your best clothes, put on your best jewelry, and get yourself out there and have some meaningful interactions with people. And if it isn't for you, at least you've tried. But if you don't try, you will never ever know. Thanks so much for listening everyone, and we will see you next week.
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