I think seventy two percent of girls don't do something because they're worried about the way that they look. There's a psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect.
In this week's episode, I have Roxy Nafuzi.
She is a self development coach, a speaker, and the Queen of Manifestation. Her newest book Confidence, offering eight practical, powerful steps and tools to help you to stop doubting yourself.
I've just started dating, have you Nothing brings out your insecurities like dating?
Lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession. And I'm saying this all from a personal point of view.
But there is such a feeling of empowerment when you are able to recognize what you need, what you won't stand for, and honoring yourself.
I'm rather Dablukiah and on my podcast A really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Thank you so much for being on this podcast. I appreciate it so much and I'm so happy that you're here.
Oh, thank you so much. For having me. I'm honestly been so excited to see you.
Me too. And if anybody doesn't know, I mean and Rocky you have known each other for how many years?
Oh God? Good for you.
Yeah, And I feel like I've been such a fan of you online and then when I got to meet you in person, I just felt that same genuine energy and I felt that we just.
Had been friends for such a long time.
Yes, yeah, me too.
I've been reading your book Confidence, and I have to say it has been such a beautiful read. I felt like I got so many personal reflections from it. But even reading it as someone who was about to interview you, it made me think of how many people are going to benefit from it, but at every single age group. And I think sometimes in a book that's really difficult
to hit because usually you get a target audience. Yeah, but I feel like confidence is something you can struggle with from five years up till ninety five years old.
So thank you so much for creating this wonderful piece of our.
Honestly, that means so much. And I think you know so right. When I think about Confidence, I think the first thing that always comes to my mind is that the pursuit of confidence and the need for confidence is such a universal thing. And when I ever, I do workshots, you know, and I'm in front of a room of let's say, thousands of people, and I always say to them, like, who here can honestly say that they are free of all self doubt? Who is like truly confident in who
they are? And nobody will raise their hand. And it's really funny because as humans, I think that we think that our insecurities or our journey with low self worth is such a like so low pursuit. We think that we're the only ones in it, and yet the person next to us is battling the same things. We just don't tell each other enough, and so we don't realize that it's something that we all in search of.
It's so true.
And with everything that you've been through in your life, and obviously you've just written a book on confidence, would you say, at this point in your life you feel like you're a confident person?
Yeah?
You know, that's so nice that it always just say yes, yes, in that question.
Yeah, you know what, honestly, Rdy, I really can't tell you how much I have loathed myself all of my life, and I don't remember. I think probably when I was And I always say this, all kids like are born confident, right, And I talk about it in the book that kids generally, if you look at young children, they are full of self worth. They're not self conscious. Little kids are walking around the supermarket is Elsa or Superman, and they don't
care who's watching. Like they're so happy to express themselves in all the ways that they want. And then, essentially, like life happens to us and for whatever reason, whether it's because of our caregivers, our friends, our teachers, society, essentially, we all come to believe that we're not enough as
we are. And I definitely came to that belief very very early on, and because of a series of many, many different events, that belief was so compounded and I lost all my sense of self and I just felt so deeply unlovable and spent my teen years trying to mold myself into what other people might want from me or what made me likable, and still didn't figure it out, and then found drugs and alcohol, which is the quickest way to find false confidence, and that just made things
worse because then comes addiction and shame and guilt, and then when all that came away, when I was pregnant with Wolf, I had to suddenly give everything up and what was revealed to me was the kind of depth of my self loathing. And that really was the hardest time of my life, without doubt. It was every day was like such a struggle to just get through to the next minute. And it was literally for me, like a mental prison. And it all came down to this
like deep self hatred. You know. I felt I was disgusting. I felt I was monstrous to look at, was a loser I was, And it was just such a dark time and I think I've only once ever talked about it. I won't go into like loads of detail now, but what I developed really really severe body dysmorphia disorder, which is an anxiety disorder that is a form of OCD.
So it's repetitive looping thoughts of like severe self loathing, and there can be checking behaviors, and BDD is something that I think is more common than people realize, but people are very scared to admit when they have it because they think that it's about vanity and it's not. It's an anxiety disorder just in the same way you would have an OCD or an eating disorder, and the BDD is for anyone that's experienced it, it is.
I.
So I was not excited to speak about this, but anyway, it's so utterly exhausting, it's there's no your brain doesn't stop. All I thought about every minute of the day when I wasn't working was how disgusting I was really and it plagued all my life. I stopped seeing friends, I stopped leaving the house, even when we're in COVID. And you know, you could meet up with it with people for walks. I couldn't because in my head, if I met someone for a walk, all they would think about
was how disgusting I was. And so I was convinced of it. So my journey to recovery and to finding self worth, not just overcoming the body dysmorphia, but also feeling confident in who I was was such an important one for me because as I was, you know, I'd launched Manifest in my career, I was growing, I was succeeding. I had confidence in that, but there was still this hole within me where I didn't feel fully worthy. And I knew that you know for me, the crux of
manifestation is self worse. So for me to manifest as powerfully as I could, I needed to heal. So I made a really conscious decision that I needed to enjoy my life as much as possible, and I'd never be able to enjoy it if i didn't love myself to the most that I could. So I went on this journey.
And so now when I'm asked this question like are you confident, I can't tell you how grateful and how proud I feel to be able to say yes, I actually really like who I am, and I really for me, one of my definitions of confidence is being able to walk into any room completely and utterly yourself and walk out of that room not worrying what everyone else thought about you.
Yeah, it's great definition.
And I feel like now I can do that. I can walk into a room and it's a feeling. It's like a feeling of just like you just feel grounded because you can walk in there with an ease because you're not preempting what if this person doesn't like me? What if I mess up? You're just like, you know, I'm safe to be who I am and know that that's enough. So that was the longest answer.
I No, that was such a beautiful answer. Thank you for sharing all of that.
And do you think that you know we spoke about you said how children you believe with confidence and then things happen in life. Would you say for most people it's a singular moment or do you think there's something in our mind that we start creating through the experiences that we're having.
And what was it like for you?
Was it a singular moment or was it Wow, there were so many things in my life that just kept knocking my confidence and I wasn't bouncing back from it.
I think it can definitely be lots of moments put together. Look, for some people, there is one really significant trauma that happens that you could look back and say that was definitely the moment that impacted how I felt about myself.
But for most people, it's lots of little moments. It's something that somebody said at school, across the playground, it's you know, I think even as parents, I can talk about it in the book, parents can think they're doing something good, Like if they always tell their children that they're pretty, or they always tell them that they're clever. Actually that you can think that's a good thing, right.
Actually the child then pins all their worthiness on that identity, so then they think, oh god, well if I'm not clever or if I don't pass my exams, then what am I? Where have I got my worth from? So there's loads of different ways that it can happen, I think, and you know, I think part of it is like we are wired to need to belong and from an evolutionary perspective, that was where our safety came from, to be part of a tribe. And if I look at Wolf, you know, having kids is a great sort of like
way to like view our minds experiments. It really is. And when he started school, I mean he was about just turned five, and he refused to wear the Spider Man hat I brought him, and I kept him being like you love Spider Man, like it got your Spider Man hat for Sainsbury's, Why are you wearing it? And eventually he was like, I'm scared the other boys will laugh at me. And that you know, where has he learned?
That's not a learned thing. It just seems that somewhere as you start entering this new stage of life, we do start to become more aware of where we stand socially, and I think that's just part of evolution. I think that we all have it, but how that impacts us depends on so many different factors.
I was thinking when I was reading the book of the word confidence, and I broke it down into confide in and what you were just saying when you knew that to be able to actually show up in the world, you really had to love yourself and believe in yourself. And that's really in my mind, I'm like, that's what confidence is, confiding in yourself. You should be able to look internally and think, I trust in my own voice, I trust in my own abilities.
I believe in them. But I guess, how do you think.
You can differentiate between confidence and arrogance or confidence and being pocky?
Oh my god, it's such a good question because I think that one of the barriers that we actually have to confidence is that we are afraid of coming across as arrogance. So true, and especially I would say this is very much for women. So I talk about it in step Fivebrate Yourself, and it might be step six, I don't know, I can't remember. But in the steps celebrate yourself. I talk about this because what we've done
is kind of across cultures. We really glorify humility, right, and being humble is one of the most desirable traits, you know, It's what makes you a good person or likable. And yes, being humble, of course is a really important trait to have. We want to it helps us to grow and you know, to it helps us to ground us right and be willing to become better people and to be kind to those around us. And being humble
is good. But so often we take it too far, and we become self deprecating, and we can't accept compliments, and we can't accept praise from others, and we can't praise ourselves, and we can't speak highly of ourselves. We start small businesses and we're too scared to shout about on social media. We pass our exams and we don't want to celebrate it because we just say it was luck or do you know what I mean? And so this desire to be humble kind of we take that
too far. And then on the other hand, we have this great fear of coming across as arrogant. And part of this I think is a bit of social conditioning, because quite often confident people are labeled as arrogant or up themselves or cocky, And sometimes I think that's really doing a disservice to people who are confident. And really I believe that those judgments come from probably a place of it comes from a wound, you know, it comes from a place of I kind of secretly maybe wish
I had that confidence. And that's natural, And that's not to pass judgment on anyone. I've done it plenty of ties, or I've gone offor's so arrogant? And actually are they arrogant? Or am I just a little bit envious of their confidence? And actually I can use that envy to show me what needs healing, right, to show me that what I want more of, but arrogance and confidence, And it's so important. I have a whole chart in the book to differentiate them,
like they are not the same thing. Arrogance is really about needing to be the best in the room. It's about needing to see yourself as superior to others and needing to put others down to make yourself feel better. Confidence is knowing that you are a work in progress, but also being sure of who you are. It's about loving yourself whilst also being able to admit that you're not perfect and that being okay. And I think they're
so so different. And I often say it's like, if you're worried about being arrogant, you're probably not because arrogant people don't have that self awareness.
So yeah, And you know, I think when you were talking about going into a room, and I think find the people that end up wanting to shout the loudest, or speak about themselves the most, or say in a way you can always feel that the energy behind what someone is saying.
Yeah.
And I think when you end up trying to be humble, most people end up being falsely humble.
But you can also feel that we're like.
No, I don't really want you to compliment, but really most people do like compliments.
Yeah.
And I think when you realize that your humility or what you keep saying negative about yourself is actually stopping your success, that's a sign that humility isn't actually working.
Yeah, because I find humility should be something that.
Still helps you progress in your spiritual path, in your work, in every aspect of your life. But if you're being humble and it's stopping you from accepting, growing and becoming a better person, then you probably need to rethink and see maybe this isn't actually humility, and they need to rephrase how I say things. I think self deprecating language
is just so common totally. It's just constantly, even if someone compliments your outfit, somehow you find a reason to say, no, it's not really that good.
Oh yeah I got it on sale.
We were talking about it yesterday. We walked into us doing a recording and of Lucy, someone said, oh, I love your boots and she was like, oh, they're only pri yeah exactly, when else said, oh, is you always do that? Stop saying that, like, just be And so I have this like tool for people to use. Actually, so when people and I share a growth in manifest
and confidence because I love it so much. But when people give you a compliment, how you respond is a really reflection of your relationship with humility and self celebration. And so what I challenge people to do is when someone comes to you and they say, hey, you did amazing that presentation or oh my god, I loved that video you put on Instagram. I love you look amazing today,
whatever it is. Rather than pushing it away or saying no I didn't or downplaying it, I want you to just pause, take it in, like really allow yourself to hear it, and then respond with those two magical words, I know, thank you.
Just say thank you.
That's it, and it's so much less annoying. Also, because you know, when someone gives you a compliment, they're like, no, you don't, then you have to be like, no you do. Yeah, oh my god, I shouldn't have bothered it kind.
Of has allowed the cycle of that conversation to be full circle. Or so you know when they say, if someone gives you a gift and you don't actually receive it, well, the cycle of giving and receiving isn't completed. Yes, and so the person who's actually giving you something is giving it to you an excitement, whether it's something physical, whether it's words, or whether it's energy or emotion.
And then if you literally.
Push it away from yourself, yeah, you're.
Essentially pushing away something that they're trying to give.
So true, it's like if you give someone a gift and they're like, oh, you shouldn't have, and you're like, do you know what I would have loved you to say thank you. Yeah, it would have been so nice. And you're right because it's so exciting gift giving. Yes, confliment is a gift exactly. Yeah, I love that. That's so true.
And then the thing that you said about I feel with confidence so much of when I reflect in my life and I was reading the book, and I still think I'm working through a lot of the different things that allow me to feel full confidence in different areas of my life. But a big thing that changed it for me was when I started thinking about what I have, the skills that attributes the way that I look. Every single part of me has been a gift from God
or from the universe to me. And when you think of it like that, everything can feel you can receive praise for it because you then don't have to necessarily take on as this is me and it's building my ego and I'm going to become.
Arrogant from it.
You think, yeah, actually, I am so grateful for it, and so saying thank you and accepting it is actually you accepting it as a way of showing gratitude to whoever you feel has given it to you. I love that, and I think that helps with that mindset of changing.
It from oh no, don't compliment me too.
Oh actually, yeah, I am so grateful for this, and so thank you so much for recognizing that in me.
I love that.
Do you have you know, on the days that you I'm sure confidence till ebbs and flows depending on what you're doing, and on those days that you're feeling a little bit lower, do you have like an SOS confidence kit, like the things that you go to in the moments that you are finding yourself spiraling downwards or not feeling great about yourself?
Do you know what? Yeah, I've just started dating. Have you brings out your insecurities? Like dating? Oh my gosh, It's been a long time since I've been dating. And you know, really the last time I was dating was like seven years ago, right, and like properly and who I am now is like so different to her was then. So I'm in a much better place. I'm really independent.
I'm like, you know, very like spiritually evolved since you know, back then, and yet still I noticed, like, oh gosh, like this feeling of like am I enough is coming back? And so for me, it was really a lot for me. It was like on the days where I have those like wobbles. Firstly, it's about like really being aware of
your thoughts and not attaching to them. So for me, what I used to do, I think is have a thought attached to it and let it spiral, Whereas now I can be like, where is that thought coming from? Where is the not enoughness really coming from? And for me, this is like the first step of any change of
self development. And actually it's a constant practice. And so I'm really I love like like dissecting my own past and giving myself that kind of therapy by journaling or just doing it in my thoughts and just saying, Okay, yeah, actually,
what relationship am I taking myself back to? And so that for me, it doesn't sound like a really simple tool, but it is when you're in the practice of it, because you're just constantly being able to question your own thoughts rather than just like take them as facts.
Definitely.
The other is that I genuinely have got myself into a practice of changing my inner voice from I call it in the book, from the inner heckler to the inner cheerleader. And so I have this journal and every morning one of the prompts it's my Manifest Daily Journal. One of the prompts is a most facial message from your higher self, and so this took practice. So at the beginning I used to write like you got this,
do you know what I mean? Like quite gherror, And then I started writing things like, Hey, you really deserve to feel the joy from today. You've worked so hard for this, or I know you're feeling I'm a bit low today, but I promise this will pass, and just remember how much you've achieved. And actually, I've got comfortable with that voice, and so much of change is about finding a new place of comfort with the way that you speak to yourself, and so it really is a practice.
And so I'm always trying to think, what is like a kind of perspective or what is a kind of thing I could say to myself in this moment, And that's been really helpful for me.
Do you think people always have to go backwards and figure out the root of their issues before being able to move forward.
Yeah? I do, actually, because every meaning, all the meaning we attach to every experience we have is currently being viewed through a lens, and this lens is made murky from our current state of mind, our belief systems, our wounds, our pass and I truly believe that unless we process and figure out what lens we're looking at things through, will never be able to clear the way. Like we'll always be controlled by our past.
You're kind of building on top of a broken foundation.
One percent, and I think that it is. I used to really be Oh, like, what's the point in looking back? I just want to look forward. You just can't. It will always have a hold over you unless you let it go. Like even I'll share an example with you.
Okay.
So I had this really stressful two weeks at work, and part of the stress was coming from that some people really let me down at work and it made me feel so angry. I felt so frustrated, I felt so disappointed, and all I wanted was an apology. I just wanted them to take accountability. And I'm alia, so I forgive instantly, right li Liah. Yeah, So if someone says sorry, forget done, I'm over it, moved on. I don't care. I'm so forgiving, but I really need people
to take accountability. And I was finding myself so stressed and so frustrated, and I spoke to my therapist about it. And she said to me, what really irritates you about people? And I said, the number one thing that irritates me is someone that can't take accountability for what they've done right. And she said, when did this happen to you before?
And instantly a memory came up or something that had happened to me when I was younger, and this person had done something pretty awful to me and they never apologized, and me and this person never we didn't speak for three months, and three months later they started speaking to me again and just kind of pretended like nothing had happened. And I remember, in that moment so strong that I was about twelve at the time, thinking I just lost respect for them. But I felt, I can't believe you
haven't just said sorry. And for me, what that meant was that my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter, I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen, I wasn't valued the things that we need right. So, now, as an adult, when somebody doesn't take accountability, I don't take it as what's happening now. I make it mean that I'm not being seen or heard, And so it stirs up such deep pain and emotion and so I'm not able to see the situation clearly because I'm focusing on the emotional
reaction to it, that is from the past. As soon as I became aware of it, I was able to let it go right. And so that is for me the power in looking back and working on your past.
It becomes so heavy as well, doesn't it, Because if you think about carrying all those things that you have been accumulating, of all the pain that you've taken in but not digested, all the trauma that you've taken in but locked away somewhere. It's still in you, but it's somewhere that's hidden away. Actually, if you think about it, you go through all these years and suddenly you realize
you're carrying so much weight. And then the heaviness of that one situation that you'd already been in, the weight of that is continued in the conversations you're then having,
So everything feels even more intense, even more irritating. You get even angry than you normally would have, because it's it's not a new situation, it's an old situation that you're still got all that weight attached to, and so something that you wouldn't normally have such a deep reaction to if you end up wilding out because it's not being triggered, is.
Right exactly for people listening, because therapy, I know, can be really expensive, but people can do this on their own. So for anybody listening, what they can do is why don't you just for a moment, you could get a
journal or a notepad and pen. Now you could pause this and just consider what are the patterns that are currently present in your life, like what keeps coming up for you, what issues, what situations that piss you off or make you sad or make you angry, and can you recognize any patterns within them, like within those situations, and then just look at when did I first experience something like this? And it can be as simple as that, And I really do say like that letting go that
process it is just having the awareness. I don't know how, but it releases something.
It's also being aware of what is this actual emotion?
Because I feel like we such small emotional vocabulary where it's like this is making me angry, and then I read someone that anger is just a secondary emotion, So what are you actually feeling? What is the emotion you're actually feeling, what is it digging up inside of you?
Linked back to it?
Oh, it makes me feel unworthy, unheard, makes me feel like nobody's supporting me, makes me feel like no one's listening to me. I don't feel intelligent in this room because of something that someone said. Whatever, the deeper rooted feeling is, go beyond the Oh, I'm so angry right now, because okay, you're angry, But where has the anger actually come from? Because if it's a secondary emotion, there's somewhere
deeper that you need to go. Absolutely, you spoke about dating, and one thing I've been surrounded by at the moment with are my friends who really struggle in dating situations to say no in set boundaries. And when you were saying that, I was like, I guess it is linked to confidence because your ability to say no in set boundaries is you being able to trust in your personal
self and knowing that saying no is okay. And if they leave, if they decide that they don't want to go on a second date, if they decide that they don't want to be with you, that's a sign that they're not supposed to. But saying no seems to be something that women specifically struggle with so much, whether it's in relationships or in friendships and the boundaries being put up. What kind of recommendations or advice do you give to someone who's struggling to put up boundaries.
Well, I think it all comes down to fear of rejection. Okay, so it's all really the fear is if I set a boundary, this person will leave me. Yes, And that fear of rejection bther is very real. And again, be kind to yourself about that, because that's an evolutionary response. The feeling of being rejected from your tribe would mean that you would be unsafe, and that would create feelings
of an anxiety. So it's a very real thing. And so I think firstly, just be like kind to yourself by recognizing that actually it is causing a very real response.
But I think that it's these with boundary setting. I think it's really like chicken egg because we can only gain confidence, well not only, but one of the ways that we gain confidence and self worth is by setting boundaries because there is so much there's such a feeling of empowerment when you are able to recognize what you need, what you won't stand for and honoring yourself and trusting that you are worth being honored like that is. So
it's such a great feeling. Anybody who's ever a sat set of boundary will know how good it feels when you just say not, actually I'm not available for that. Yeah, it is the best feeling. But the more confident that you are also the easier it is to do that. So you're kind of working on these things all the time. That's why these confident there's six steps of com six steps the eight steps of confidence that I lay out in my book. You really work on them simultaneously, and
boundary setting is part of that. But I think we're dating specifically. The reason that that boundary setting is so hard is because, I mean, there's so many reasons, but some of them are that, you know, basically, what we've learned about whether we love starts from so young, right from you know, the way that we're the relationships that we have with our caregivers or parents. So that is like really deep within us. So to feel like we are most of us, most of us didn't have unconditional
love right growing up. It's like it is conditional. It's if you are good, you are lovable, right, And that's not to blame our parents or our caregivers. It's just how they were taught to parent as well. And so it's very hard for us as adults to then believe that we are worthy of unconditional love. And I think that also there's society and our friends where you're constantly hearing the narrative it's so hard to meet someone. Yes, how many times do you hear people say that it's
so hard to meet someone? These days? Nobody meet someone and it is trickier, that's true. But the more that we're saying it to each other, the more that we're kind of convincing ourselves that there's You're in the scarcity mindset. So well, if I set a boundary and I don't have this person, where the hell am I going to meet anyone else?
Right?
So then you're stuck in this like, well, just take what I can get, rather than actually being able to say, no, I know I'm worth more than this and I'm going to wait. And that's what step four of my manifesting process overcome tests of overcome tests from the universe is
really all about this. I truly believe that we won't meet our one until we are able to say no to what isn't right for us, And as long as we are allowing someone to treat us with any level of disrespect or you know, anything that really isn't reflective of what you actually want, we won't be able to create space for what you do want to ender your life.
That makes so much sense.
It's like you're already holding things in your hands, So how do you expect the God or universe?
It's ready for you.
But if you don't let go of what's not for you, you don't have the hands to catch what's for you, or even the eyes to rect that. It is that even if you're being sent all the signs, all this thing that I was just this morning listening to the audiobook of Conversations with God.
Have you read that?
No?
I just got into the first chapter, but it was so beautiful because he was talking about how he was asking God, Okay, but how do I know you're talking to me?
Universe? How do I know that you're speaking to me?
And God said, I'm literally sending signs and signals all the time. I'm showing you not because words are actually the lowest form of communication. Words are actually the lowest, most unreliable form of communication.
But actually through.
The way that you actually feel, through the way people behave around you, through the tiny things that happen in your day. Those are the indications that I'm communicating with you, but you need the eyes to be able to see it,
the hands to receive it. And I just thought that's so true, right, like that the signs are being shown to us all the time, but we have to know when to let go and when to receive, definitely, and that comes with I see confidence as alignment as well, because the more that you feel that you are spiritually connected or in alignment with the universe around you or with God, the more you're able to receive those signals and the more you know that they.
Are the trusted source.
Absolutely.
But to get there, you obviously have to build self trust. And so what with some of the tools and techniques that you have used in your life to actually build trust in your own voice and your own capabilities.
I think it's such a good point. So self trust for me is really being able to trust your own word and trust in your decision making, and they're kind of two separate things. So in terms of trusting your own word. I think it's really important that you do the things that you say you'll do. And for me, this is like really foundational to confidence. If you are saying to yourself, I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow, I'm going to finish this task, I'm not going to
drink tonight, whatever it is. If you are saying those things to yourself and you're not doing them, then it's
how are you going to learn to trust yourself? And so it really is about That's why I think self discipline is a form of self respect and self love, because you need to start following through with your own word, just in the same way that if you had someone in your life that never did the things they say they'd do, you'd stop trusting them, you'd lose respect for them, and so you have to treat yourself with the same
kind of standards. The next thing is decision making. So I think that it's particularly when we have low self worth, we often turn to the people around us to help us make all our decisions. So you know, you might call your mum, what should I have for lunch today? You know? Or I don't know what to do, or should I post this on Instagram. Should I stay in
this job? Should I break up with my boyfriend? We ask the people around us to help us make all our decisions, and actually, I think that being able to make our own decisions is like one of the quickest ways to building that self trust and self confidence. And so how do we do that? I often talk about
us being able to visualize our higher self? Right, So if you were to sit and think about who is the best you that you could be, and visualize that version of yourself and think about what does that version of you do day to day, how do they feel about themselves, how do they walk into a room, what are they attracting into their life? And then I want you to use that higher self as your decision maker.
So before every decision you make, instead of asking your friend what to do, you can ask yourself, what would my higher self do? And it is such an amazing It's like a filter for you, so that your decision filter that will help you to make more empowering decisions and gain that confidence on the way.
Because then you also don't get stuck in the temporary feelings that you have. It's that my friends always text me, like I was saying should I text him?
And I'm like, make the decision in the morning.
Yeah, yeah, don't do that right now, because what emotion you are feeling right now will not be the same as what you're feeling in the morning. And so that's obviously such a small example, but totally thinking of what would my higher self do, It's almost like thinking in the future, if you will.
It's saying, Okay, how.
Will I feel about myself in an hour's time, or if I was looking at myself from an outside point of view, what would make me feel happy in the decision that I made in that moment exactly.
And I want to kind of go back.
To addiction just a little bit, because I find for many of my friends as well that have been through difficulty and confidence or lack of self worth. It's so interesting how addiction plays such a big role in that. In whichever way, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever it is, people's natural instinct is to go towards something that suppresses and gives temporary satisfaction, even though the pain is greater after.
So after I know wolf was.
The reason you ended up giving up, but what did you do in those struggling moments where you were going to turn to addiction, if you had any moments like that, and what were the things that actually stopped you, because I find that's the hardest moment to make those decisions.
In so it's really interesting. I mean, I think ultimately what we're looking to do is escape, right and escape from the pain of being ourselves. And that's definitely what I was doing for a long time. And when I had Wolf, when I gave everything up during pregnancy, I have to say, it was unbelievably hard. Giving up smoking was one thing. Giving up drugs for me was horrendously difficult. Like all I wanted to do was like just go
out and take drugs and it felt really hard. And actually what I at the time of being pregnant, I was like, Oh, when I have Wolf, I'm just going to go back to it, like I really wanted to. At that point, I thought that's what I would do. But what happened was during my pregnancy I started figuring out what my purpose was. I started figuring out what I wanted to do after I had Wolf, And straight after I had Wolf, I started to turn my life around and within five months I basically started my career,
which was I started with hosting workshops. What kept me from going back to drugs wasn't necessarily being a mom, if I'm honest, it was that I found a purpose right and that I found something worth waking up for the next day and something that was giving me a
sense of self worth. I felt like being of service to others was my reason for being and that all the pain I'd been in before was so that I could connect with others, and that feeling of being of service, that feeling of having something that was greater than me, became my anchor, and that was the start of my confidence journey, really, and that's why step seven of confidence
is being of service. I think people underestimate how being of service can actually impact our own feeling of being valuable in the world and feeling like we are yeah, feeling we are of value, And I think it's so important, and that can be in any way. It can be through charitable work, volunteering, through what you do, but it can also just be through how you support the people close to your family, your friends. It doesn't have to be like it really can be anything, but just knowing
that we can help others. I think it's just so integral.
Yeah, when I read that part of the book, you know, every time I think about service, I think about it's just an opportunity to get yourself out of your own mind and into someone else's life or into someone else's pain or discomfort. And you also feel more useful in that situation, which helps with the purpose aspect of it. But it also made me think about how confidence or lack of confidence could also potentially come from self obsession
in a certain way. And the reason I thought that was because when you end up obsessing over yourself so much, obsessing over how people see you, obsessing over looking in the mirror thirty forty fifty times before you go out of the house, obsessing over what you're wearing and what other people are thinking. And I'm saying this from a personal point of view because I used to It actually really messed up mine and Jay's relationship at the beginning, because I was so insecure of every.
Part of my body my Okay, yeah, this is a really good cry for a reason.
Yeah, I was so insecure that every time we would go out, I would the thing I'd be obsessing over was before we left the house. I would be like, oh, does this look weird on me, or every part of our conversation would be based around that I'm crime, because I was like, how sad it was back then that it ruined so much of my experience of the relationship, of the experience of going to.
Wherever we were going.
And it was so interesting to me because it went on four years from such a young age, probably because I grew up overweight and I was just always obsessing over that. But how it was purely through self obsession of the thought that other people are going to be thinking about all of this stuff to do with me
when we people are just thinking about themselves. And so the obsessiveness of constantly thinking people are thinking about me, people are looking at me, people are doing all these things and it's all to do with me has destructive tendencies, Like it really is so destructive to the conversations you can have with people, even when you interact with them.
I could be thinking right now, oh my god, I wonder what she's looking at me and what she thinks about my makeup, for example, Or I could be listening to what you are saying and participating in this conversation, and I just find it makes me sad for other people, thinking of there's so many people who go through that where it strips them and takes away their ability to actually connect, communicate and live in present moment with people, and I think it's such a difficult place to get
out of as well. I think having obviously a partner who's so supportive in that and was like no, repeating himself over and over again, but eventually being like, I really want you to care about yourself and love yourself because I see you and I think you're this, this and this, you don't see it, and that nothing else matters.
How other people see you makes no difference. And so I think creating these tools and techniques like you've got in both your books, I think it's just so important because the whole world just seems so sadder then happy.
Don't you think?
I agree? And thank you for sharing that.
I expect to do that either, but.
It's I think it's like so amazing to experience that kind of emotion and it's compassion, yeah, like feeling like sad for the old you, and like also I think sometimes it's also really touching to see how far you've come sometimes mind yourself, and it is really sad that we waste so much of our lives worried about what
everyone else thinks of us. And I think there's a stat in the beginning of the book that Dove did which is, I think seventy two percent of young girls don't do something because they're worried about the way that they look. So they're like genuinely missing out on their life, so much of their life, and it's there's a psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect, which is literally where we assume that other people are focusing on the things that
we notice. So if we've got a spot, we're convinced that everybody's staring at it, or if we're messing up in gym, we think that someone's watching us. Yeah, nobody is nobody. We are not the main character of anyone else's story. No, nobody's say in the book, and like nobody's tuning into the next episode.
They really don't.
And I think as soon as you start living life that I had this lady called Liz Moody on my podcast, and she had something in her book that really changed it for me, where she said she was really conscious because she felt really uncomfortable in a swim suit, and so her whole family went on holiday and they all were in the ocean. She was like, there's no way I'm getting in the ocean because my thighs look like this.
People are going to be thinking, why is she even in the ocean, Why is she even wearing that swim suit. She was sitting there, sitting there on the beach thinking that constantly while she was watching her whole family enjoy
themselves so much. And suddenly she was like, when I'm eighty years old, am I going to be sitting there thinking, thank goodness those people didn't see my cellul like or am I going to be remembering feeling the ocean on my skin and feeling the sun and laughing with my family? And am I going to remember those laughs for the
rest of my life? And she goes, in that moment, I took off my song and I ran into that ocean, and I remember that story and I share it so much because that is literally how we live most of our life. I'm not going to dance with my friends because I'm not going to dancing. I'm not gonna go out and wearing that thing I want to wear because my thighs don't look like that person's And I think jealousy moving on to something that I think is another part of lack of confidence.
Which is jealousy.
How in your life have you dealt with feeling emotions of jealousy of other women or other people in your life, and what are some tools that you've used to navigate that.
So I think envy is a really it's a core emotion, right, Yeah. We have it from like children and honestly, like Wolf cannot to see his cousin Adam even look at one of his toys like oh my gosh, and you learn that it is a core emotion. But as adults, we have so much shame around it, like we don't want
to admit that we're jealous. But it's normal to feel jealous, right, And I think that the first for me, I know that what I used to feel really jealous of was people on Instagram looking like happy and playful, playful and fun because I was in such a deep depression for all my life that when I see people on social media just being like care free, I'd be like, oh my god, like I would crave it, like it would
make me feel so shit about myself. And I really struggled, I think with social media because I just didn't have any confidence myself. And I think that the thing with envy or is that it's most if we feel it the most in the areas of our life where we feel the most insecure. But I have a whole step on like how to stop comparing yourself to others, And I have lots of tools in the book about how
to do that, and I've used them lots myself. So one of them is one that is turned envy into inspiration, So allow people to really like show you what's possible, rather than being being in this scarcity mindset where if someone has something that might have been less for you, it's in fact allowing someone else to show you what's possible. So being able to watch your envy, recognize when it props up and say, what is this showing me as possible? Or what's it showing me I need to heal more
right in myself. But there's a few other tools that I love. One of them is all about changing your perspective. So I often think about if you I describe the situation of like if you're in a car and you're in a line of traffic, and if you're in a line of traffic and you were to look in your rear view, well, if you could be in sorry, imagine that you're in a line of traffic and you're looking ahead at all the people ahead of you, and you're like, oh my god, I wish I was up at the front,
right right. But if you took a moment to look at your rear view mirror and you saw all the line of traffic behind you, you might actually be able to just be like, do you know what? I'm so grateful for where I am? And it's called basically, there's something called upward comparison and downward comparison. And upward comparison is where we tend to look at people that we perceive is better than us, and this can be quite
damaging for our self esteem if done too much. Some is nice because it can push us right, it can push us to do better and to grow and destrive for more, but it can have a negative effect when we do it too much and we're constantly thinking that
everyone else is better than us. Downward comparison, it's not about looking at people as if we are above them, but it's about understanding that we are fortunate for where we are, because there are people that don't have what we have yet, and so this is actually that's where you have a kind of healthy level of comparison, where
you can have a little bit of both. So being able to just like sit back and just say, actually, I'm so grateful how far I've come, and I'm in such a fortunate position, because look, you know, by making some downward comparisons can be really helpful. Another thing that I love is consider what you don't know. So when we see somebody's something that someone has that we're jealous of, we're just seeing that one small part of their life.
But consider what you don't know about them, or their challenges, their traumas, their difficulties that you can't see, And then ask yourself, would I really trade my entire life for their? And the answers always know, right, you'd rather rather the devil, you know, But you know, wouldn't you rather your own challenges and your own you know? But everything that you have, You wouldn't trade all of that just for one part of someone else's life.
That's so true.
And I always find jealousy sometimes comes out brings out the worst words and worst thoughts in your mind as well, where you become so much more critical about other people because you kind of don't want them to succeed, Like jealousy turns into this desire of oh, they can't really be that good or the must be a flaw in something there. So do you think you can be critical of others but still have confidence or do you think there has to be a disconnect between the two BOK.
I think it's humans. I'm not going to sit here and say we never judge anyone. It's just not possible. But would I say that the majority of the time I see the best in people? Yes, I think that I don't care to because I feel confident in who I am. I'm not would why would it matter to me if someone wants to express themselves in this way or that? Like good free Everyone should be free to be who they are, And I think that really comes
from confidence. And I definitely would say that those feelings of comparison or envy that I experienced before are much much much less. Not to say that I don't sometimes have the odd moment with a friend where we're like, you know, we're human. It happens sometimes, But if it does I'm also, but majority of the time, I will always give people the benefit of the doubt. And if I notice myself feeling jealous of someone, it's like, oh, okay, what's that showing?
Yeah, what is it that I want?
Likely changing it? You know, I really think being happy for other people is such an amazing and wonderful quality to have, So I always whatever possible celebrate other people's success.
Yeah.
Whenever I used to get jealous or of other people, the first thing I would try and do is compliment them in my mind, yeah, or even out loud. Yeah, Because as soon as I get a negative thought about the moment, okay, but what is it about.
Them that I truly admire?
Yeah, because there's always admiration that's tucked into jealousy because obviously you want what that person has, And so trying to turn that jealousy into words of admiration or appreciation ends up being really useful in those moments too. You wrote in the book that confidence is built through action, not affirmation.
Could you explain a little bit about what you mean by that?
So I say that like, actions speak louder than words. So sometimes someone can show you they love you, not by just saying I love you, but helping you move house, bring you a cup of tea in the morning. It's through what you do. And I think the way we treat ourselves really does matter. I think that we can speak to ourselves kindly, and that's so important. But how are we treating ourselves? Are we giving our body the nutrients it needs? Are we moving it? Are you honoring
rest when you need to? Are you getting fresh air and being out in nature? You know? I think that we need to show ourselves through the way that we treat ourselves, how what we deserve.
Yes, yeah, I think that action is very important, especially if you keep telling yourself something. It goes back to the self confidence and self trust, right you keep saying something and not doing it exactly.
I wanted to go a list bit on.
Affirmations and some affirmations of confidence that people can say every day.
Do you have any favorites?
Oh?
My god, so many. My favorite favorite is I am enough. I have always been enough. I love that do The first time I said that when I cried so I think I just needed to hear it so much. I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of who I am and who I am because is one that I love. I am of value to the world and people around me. I think a great way to figure out what affirmation is good for you is to think about what are your the limiting beliefs that you know that you hold, like, what are your
things like? It might be that you don't feel like you're good with people, or you don't feel that you're clever enough to being the job that you're in, or whatever it is for you, And then basically you just write an affirmation that directly opposes that limiting belief. And I think what people always need to remember is that you don't need to believe it to be true to say it right like people say, but I don't believe that. How can I say I am, you know, incredible at
interviews if I don't feel like I am right? Or how can I say I'm calma at ease when I'm feeling so anxious. But the point is that we're trying to give our brain these thoughts that it can then make reality by repeated use. And I think it, you know, Marissipi always says that your brain's job is to make your thoughts true. And I love the way she describes it, and it's, you know, we are telling our brain how
to feel by inputting these like nourishing thoughts. And so I love affirmations, you know, first thing in the morning, as I'm waking up, when our brains are really susceptible to that positive messaging, That for me is my favorite. Like I'm always like a wake up, I'm excited for what today could bring. I'm resilient and strong, I'm ready to handle any challenges that come my way. I'm proud of where I am, you know, And so I think, Yeah, I just love affirmations.
You're inviting it into existence, even if it doesn't already exist in your own mind or you don't believe it. Yeah, And starting your day off in that way, it creates that instead of a negative filter, you end up kind of putting in that the different lenses of living life through those those affirmations. Exactly, what would you say has been the hardest truth that you've had to learn on this journey?
Healing really isn't like a linear process. Yeah, I think that I found it really challenging in time where I'd think that I'd made so much progress and I could have a long stretch of feeling incredible and then all of a sudden, I feel like I'm right back, but
actually realizing you're never right back. And it was really hard to It was really scary for me at times because I thought, oh my god, I'm going back to that depression or it was that was scary, But actually now with experience, like the other I told you when I came in today, the other we you know, I had two weeks where I honestly don't remember the last time I felt that much anxiety. I really felt on
the edge of like a breakdown. I felt really unwell mentally, and I hadn't felt that bad for a long time, and it was scary in a way, but I had enough experience to trust that something amazing was coming on the other side.
I think you had all the tools and techniques you needed too. Yeah, sure you come out of it. Yeah you built that.
I had the tools, but most importantly I had the hope. Yeah, And that's sometimes when you're in those moments, that is what you need, is you just need hope that after the dark days, better days are coming.
Yes, that's really beautiful. Thank you.
I'm going to do your last few quick fire questions. What's your favorite affirmation right now?
I am ready to make my dreams come true.
A book that changed your life from your own.
The Four Agreements?
Yes, yeah, great book. What's always in your handbag?
My phone and a pair of eyelash Curtis Nice?
A place to visit that's still on your bucket list?
Turs and cacos, me too.
It saw someone there actually looks so gorgeous, beautiful, a quality that you're trying to embody or work on right now.
Calm, just feeling more grounded and calm in my responses.
Nice an area in your life that you're trying to grow and healing right now. Love, h and can you finish this sentence? Confidence is not being.
The loudest in the room. Thank you so much, thank you so much, so wonderful, thank you.
I'm so great the conversation and I really hope all of you got so much from it and it helps in your journey to becoming more confident than humans.
Thank you so much, Thank you, my love.
That was so lovely, so great.
Thank you,