¶ Introduction
Booked a call with a TikTok coach and it went viral almost immediately, and.
I was like, this is it. This is what I'm supposed to be doing.
Anybody that does something to land themselves in jail for a month is not somebody you should be dating.
¶ Origins of the Story
What does this person from the moment you meet them? What are they doing to your nervous system?
Most of the time women can't let go of what doesn't serve them anymore, and they don't realize if I just let oh of this, I'm going to create so much space for what I really want to come into my life.
Oh I really want these butterflies and the excitement they use to dating traumatic men.
If it's not working out Shift Gears.
I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast a Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. So I want to know, Wow, you got started and what brought you to the genie or now.
I always knew I wanted to do something creative since I was a very little kid, and I knew I loved performing and telling stories, and I was a theater kid, and you know, I think my parents always said, like, you should allow your children to do what they want to do, because if they want to do something, it's.
Very likely that they're good at it.
And that rang pretty true for me because I was really terrible at math and science and all the things that Asian immigrant kids are supposed to be good at. All of their friends who had come over from China around the same generation and had children around my age, they were all getting full scores on their SATs in eighth grade when they were taking early SAT exams and everything, and I just I was academically decent, but I was never a genius when it came to be like reading
and everything like that. So I just kind of real just like, I'm not into sports, I'm not into math and sciences. I was actually very good at writing and I like performing, and so that kind of hits you at a young age and you kind of realize you like that. So I went to college always knowing like I kind of wanted to be a performer, but I didn't really know what. So I tried out the singer's songwriter route, for about twenty five seconds, and I realized I was like, this is not it. I don't have
a great voice, nor can I write amazing songs. So then I was like, I'm going to be an actress. And I left NYU with a liberal arts degree with the intention of giving myself the next eight years to try making it as an actress. And it was an incredibly unstable eight years, but you know, I learned a lot and through that I was also trying to find a husband, and so there was a lot of instability. I did a lot of gigwork, a lot of jobs
I didn't want to do. Eventually, I did find my way into real estate, which was a great kind of day job because it gave me the flexibil to go on auditions, but also gave me somewhat of a stable income.
By the time I met my husband, I was on pretty solid ground in terms of, like my finances, which was really important, and I honestly think that that gave me so much confidence in my late twenties to be like, I would love a man in my life right now, but I can take care of myself and I can save money, and I don't need somebody to take care
of me like that. And I think when you feel confident in yourself and what you have to offer, you walk into a first date so much more relaxed and so much more yourself like I would like to have this, but I don't need this, And I think the timing was right. And so by the time we got together, I was in my late twenties, he was in He was thirty four, and then the pandemic hit and everything went to utter shit. I was working in real estate and I was an actress, which are two very non
COVID friendly jobs. And then we moved to Connecticut because that's where his job was, and you know, we didn't want him commuting on the train and everything, and so I kind of had a lonother quarter life crisis at thirty and I was like, what am I going to do? Like auditions ground to a halt. I didn't have my real estate job anymore because we were in a different place and real estate is very local. So I did
what any practical thirty year old would do. Instead of getting my real estate license and starting over in a new state, I was like, I'm.
Going to start a blog.
I started a word press of all things in twenty twenty, when everyone's already getting on TikTok, right, everyone's blowing up on TikTok. I was just like, I think word press and Instagram is the way to go. And I started off trying to do home decorp because I didn't want to be on camera because I think, to me, I
love design and everything. But it almost felt safer to me because I was like, I'm not showing my face, and so it's almost like if it doesn't do well, it's like my face, and I didn't have to be as vulnerable. It was just like my designs right. And then I was like, I can't redecorate my living room eight thousand times. I have so much respect for home day core bloggers who just continuously come up with these magical creations like Lone Fox Home the way he just
like does his house over and over again. He's like, I found this vintage piece on the back of like a horse and buggy and Amish country, and I just say, I'm like, oh my god, that's incredible. And that's just like a passion and a love for it that I just didn't have. I was like, okay, so what next. So then I was like, well, everybody's doing fashion. So I tried to do fashion for a bit that also didn't work out, and so I probably should have quit.
Honestly many times. I was two years in basically and to very little fruition. I think I had like twenty five hundred followers, about a thousand of those for people I knew, and I didn't know what was going on,
¶ Family Expectations
and so I just.
Booked a call with a TikTok coach.
I was like, let's see what I'm doing wrong, right, and she goes, I think you should start talking to camera because you have the personality to talk to camera, Like you should not be doing these fashion reels where nobody hears you, and why don't you try that?
Tell a story?
And I was like, okay, what do I you know, it's like when you get to a certain age, like what am I good at? So I was like, I had a lot of crazy dating experiences and I know how to do my makeup.
So I just did that.
I told a story and it went viral almost immediately, and I am very quick to change course when I realized I need to, and I was like, this is it, this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's just been crazy since it's been two years.
Two years.
Props to your parents for being so open to you doing what you love versus what they might have expected you to do. So that's actually quite I feel like, especially in Asian communities, South Asian and I'm sure your community.
There is where we are from the same.
Yeah, it's like, really, arts, is that really what you want to do? Like anything creative is kind of like hmm, But that's so wonderful that they really encouraged you in that, and that makes such a difference.
They always supported me. I think they were very worried by the way they want like, oh yeah, it'll be fine.
Yeah.
They were like this is not great, especially in your early twenties, mid twenties.
You she'll figure it out.
My dad was like I always just assumed you would hit thirty and if it didn't work out, you would just go get a sales job.
Everybody was always like, go get a job in sales.
¶ Motivations and Drive
I'm like, because you like to talk, right, I was like selling what, Like, there's nothing that I'm that passionate about in terms of like somebody told me to be like go into pharma sales. I was like that's so boring, you know, so you know it's but they were very nervous. I think they just realized I was also so stubborn that I was.
Never going to do it anyway.
Yeah, so it obviously worked out, but it was a long It was a long journey together. I was thirty two before I made a dime off of social media and being a creative. And so it's like, I think when people get discouraged because it's not happening, it's like, don't quit before you get there. Like if magine, if i'd quit a year before I went viral, that would have been the final stop.
But's so good that you're so aware of when you need to change course and that you still have the motivation to keep doing that, like looking back and reflecting what was it that allowed you to keep changing course and still having belief in what you were doing, Because, like you said, most people would quit. What stopped you from quitting?
Not having another choice is actually really good because I honestly think that sometimes when you have a backup plan, you just fall back on that backup.
Plan feel safer.
Yeah.
So I'm not saying be fiscally irresponsible. I'm just saying that you know, don't have a comfortable job that you can live with but you don't love as a backup plan, because if it's not working out and what you love,
oftentimes you will just fall back and stay there. I think the other thing too, is that I saw my parents come to this country and make it from impossible circumstances, and I always had that in the back of my mind that if they could make it here with far less resources than I had and far less support.
Then it was going to be okay.
That whatever I was going to do was not ever going to be as catastrophic as what they would have endured if they had lost in their life. And for me it was also like, I think the biggest thing too, for anybody who's a creative or anybody who's an entrepreneur or has a crazy idea that doesn't fit convention, the biggest thing you have to lose is actually your ego and your pride. Yeah, that is the toughest thing to have to swallow. It's not so much the fact it's
like time spent on creating content or whatever. It's time spent on creating content and putting it out into the world and not having it do well and knowing that maybe the people in your life are.
Like, ooh, you know exactly exactly, and everybody experiences that in the beginning.
Everybody experiences that shame and just you know, I had plenty of situations for that first two years.
People would ask me what I'm doing, and.
I remember thinking, oh, it would be so much easier if I was just a housewife, Like that would make sense to people because I have something to say, yeah, like, oh.
I've I've stopped working.
I've had children, and my husband works, and you know, we were lucky enough in the sense that he worked and could support our family. But I was like, that's just not the life I want. And so I would go out and hang out at these parties with people we knew, and they'd be like, what are you doing now that you've moved to Connecticut.
I'm like, I'm blogging and you just see that, you know.
Oh wow, that is amazing blog.
About I'm like it is just like then the word vomit, you know, the scramble comes out.
And so I'm not saying I didn't feel the shame. It's just that at some.
Point I knew that I was afraid of shame and afraid of not being successful and what I wanted to do. But I would be more afraid of the regret I would feel if I didn't do it exactly. So it's all about more what do you fear more? I think a lot of people are like, oh, how are you so confident? And like how did you have like how did you get rid of all that self doubt?
I have self doubt.
Every day and day every moment, you know, even here now. It's like you think you make it to a certain point, right. I never thought I would have a million followers on any platform combined anything.
I was just hoping for ten thousand.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what was my base.
And you think, oh, if I ever made it there, I would just be happy forever.
I would feel calm forever.
I mean, you never thought you would be here, right, And it's not ten years ago you had told twenty four year Oldrana you'd be here. You'd be like, I would never have a bad day in my life, right, But like you told me yesterday, you cry almost every week.
Yeah that is fair, right.
And it's not just sound ungrateful because obviously we have attained a certain level of discomfort that we didn't experience a long time ago. But it's like it is just to say that everybody struggles and just because you've you know, the goalpost keeps.
Moving definitely, And I think it's just testament too. And I think the confidence also comes by the way, as knows happen in your life, the fact that you keep getting up, that actually builds confidence. It's not necessarily other people what they're saying to you. It's not the same people that asked what you were doing three years ago and you're feeling uncomfortable with them saying, Wow, what you're
doing now is amazing. That actually doesn't real confidence. What builds confidence is when things don't go right, how you then react to them, and then you keep going and going and going. And I find the process and actually being active is what builds confidence rather than just sitting back and giving up. And so I think that's basically what you've done, which is incredible.
Thank you, and I've tried, and you know, there's to that point, there's a really inspirational quote from Muhammad Ali that I'm going to completely mess up, but he had just lost a big fight or something. And I always remember this because I don't know. Boxing is just like you know, you win or you lose. It's such a high stakes game. You're getting punch for a living. And he had just lost a big fight and he was just basically saying, you know, it's important for my fans
¶ Relationship Journey
to see me lose because they will also lose in their life, and it's important for them to see how I handle loss and how I come back from it. And then he would go on to win the next couple of fights. But it's like I always remember that.
It's like, oh gracious, yeah.
Exactly, and sometimes not graciously.
I'm like, I'm not gracious a lot of the time, but figuring out how to get back up. I think your character is really what you do when things are not going well for you.
It's so easy to be a great person.
And emanate kindness and love when you know everything's going your way, But when things aren't going your way, who are you?
And that's who you are?
Yeah, I want to switch gears a little bit because I need to know some horrific dating stories that have happened to you that have inspired you know who? I love hearing about Chad all the Chads, well, whoever's called Chad in the world is now got you to thanks for their popularity, because I'm not saying they've got a good name, but they're definitely popular now because of you.
I feel very badly for all the good chats out there.
I apologize, not in advance, because the damage is done, but I apologize. I think my dating stories are not dissimilar to most women's dating stories in their twenties in
any major city. I just think because I dated so many people, I maybe had more experiences to draw from, and that was purely because I just couldn't find a guy to align with that maybe I really wanted to be with a guy and he didn't really want to be with me or couldn't be with me for several reasons, and maybe he wanted to be with me the next guy, but I didn't know if I wanted to be with him, and there was a lot of exploration, and I don't think I was ready for the marriage and the relationship
that I thought I was in my early twenties. But I think I was very attracted to traumatize people in my early twenties. I'll tell you a story. So when I was I think twenty three, right, out of college. Tinder had just come on the market and dating aps were really popular, and I went on a date with a guy who was almost a decade older than me. I think he was like I was twenty three, he was thirty two. Yea, and that was my age range. I said anything within ten years, I'll do anything beyond that.
I was like, eh, I think, is.
That when you really started thinking about dating someone for long term?
Oh, I was always pretty.
When he was the girl in high school that I was like, it'd be great if I just found my husband. Now, I've never been casual, so I knew I was always looking for my husband. I go on a date with this guy. He's great on paper, really good looking, quite charming, and then pretty early into the date, maybe half an hour in, he tells me that he's been to jail before. And he's not saying it in a way that like
he's ashamed of it. He's almost kind of like bragging because on paper he's so clean cut, he's a finance bro and he's and I was like very intrigued because obviously that's not what I was expecting. And you knew that that it's like kind of almost a source of pride for him and that should have been a red flag to me, like, maybe don't.
And because then I.
Asked him, I was like, what were you in jail for? And it was actually not anything crazy. It was marijuana was very, very heavily policed fifteen years ago. So he was on his college campus and he got caught.
That was his bad boycott.
That was his bad boycott.
I'm in finance, but I know.
He was like, I'm trying to be different, right, And I was like, oh, like, maybe don't date a man who needs to lead with his you know, prison rectory.
I was like, does your So it.
Was really interesting because it was like does your company know that? So then it got worse too, because okay, so I had an auntie be like, why are you dating this man? So he was like yeah, So I got arrested for having weed on me and whatever, went to court. They put me on probation. They were like, okay, just whatever, do community service, all of that. Just don't
get into trouble for the next three months. And then he was like, but then I got into a bar fight outside of my front house within that probation period.
¶ Lessons Learned and Growth
The cops came and then they saw that I was already in probation and then I got thrown into jail for a month. That's not an insignificant amount of time. It was like he was in a holding cell for twenty.
Four hours, right exactly.
So my you know, friend's mom, who was like a second mom to me, was like, anybody that does something to land themselves in jail for a month.
Is not somebody you should be dating.
She's like, I don't care that it was technically weed and technically because he like punched somebody, It's like, don't date men that get into bar fights, Like that's just it, right, But there was something intriguing about that because I don't know. I guess I just didn't like healthy men.
What did you learn about like from when you started dating in that time, so maybe in the last decade of dating before you found your husband, What did you learn about yourself in that dating experience of what you
were looking for? And two, how did you change? Because let me tell you, so many of my friends and like i'd say, most of the women that I know, have this experience of going for men that are either emotionally unstable, erratic in their emotions, possessive, you know, all the kind of red flags that would come up, but being okay with them because oh, you know what, they've got good heart, or oh they're a little bit exciting. Yeah,
so how did you go? But they're struggling now to find the man that they really want to settle down with because they've got in the habit of wanting that. So how did you get out of that? And what was the shift for you on really realizing that that's not what you wanted.
I think for me, what I really realized that I was looking to save a man so that I wouldn't have to save myself. I was hoping that if I saved my boyfriend, he would then in turn save me, and then I wouldn't have to face whatever it was
¶ From "Bad Boys" to Real Men
I was avoiding. And I think a lot of women do that because it's so much easier to focus on somebody else up than it is to focus.
On your problems.
And it was only when I'm I met my husband was I really able to just hear the voices inside my head. Fully, I always knew that I'd struggled with mental health, but not to the degree that I realized it once I met my husband. Because Dave was like, I don't need you to fix me. I got my own stuff, you know, but you're you know, we're good. I am working on me. You do you And for the first time in a decade, it was silent, and I didn't love what I hear.
So I think that's the number one question, honestly that most people have, is like how do you go from a bad boy like wanting to be with a bad guy, but I wouldn't say bad guy. Yeah, it's like a bad boy too, wanting a real man, well, like a good a good human that's actually going to treat you well, versus wanting to fix somebody. And I think as women, a lot of people fixed. A lot of women are fixes.
They're fixers because we've been taught that that's almost how we're going to get them, like that's our value, you know, we're nurturing, Like, oh, if you take care of them, eventually they'll take care of you. And that's not always the case at all. So that's something I had to unlearned. But I kind of realized that through the process of dating all these guys, I was like, I'm never going to find what I want, which is stability, and I don't think you have to sacrifice excitement for a good man.
I think that's the thing. It's like social media makes yeah, social media make things very black and white, and they're always like, oh, you can go for the nerdy, good stable man, or you can go for the tortured ht or whatever guy who doesn't really want It's like, guys, there's yes, those men exist, but there's a whole range of men who are attractive who want to do really exciting things with you. And like, also, it's like, define excitement right. For me, excitement in my twenties was just
not quite knowing where everything stood. And you know, he's spontaneous and would you know, be like, let's just go to Miami or something for the weekend. And like, for me, excitement now And what I learned in my late twenties is like excitement is a man who has a goal that he wants to achieve in a vision and you know, our lives are so crazy.
Like he travels for work. I travel for work.
It's usually on short notice and that's exciting. But actually what I crave now at thirty four is not excitement. I crave peace. And when we come home at the end of the day. It's not like, all right, now, let's go plan the next adventure. It's like we had our individual adventures at work, and we are a safe space.
I find. So I have friends that are guys who are in their thirties looking for a partner, and then women who are in their thirties looking for a man.
And some of the men are still trying to like they may have been bad boys when they were younger, and they think that the same thing is going to work for adult women now, And I'm like, you can't be what women were looking for when they were twenty Like looking after yourself now, getting therapy do one thing that is what's sexy right now to women at the
age that you're right right now in your thirties. If you're a man who is trying to look after himself physically, mental, and emotionally, that is attractive, right And at the same time, some of my girlfriends who were who are like, oh,
I really want this, these butterflies and the excitement. They're used to dating traumatic men, and so for them, when you find a guy who's emotionally stable, they're like, this is so boring, and I'm like, no, it's not boring peace you it's peace, and you are confusing the two. And so she'll be like, but I don't get these butterflies when I'm with them. I'm like, those butterflies was anxiety. Yeah, it was pure anxiety.
Trauma. That is true trauma talking to you, right.
And they're really self sabotaging in that because they are completely expecting this, like, oh, is he going to message me? Is he not going to message me? Is he going to disappear for two days? Is he not? And I'm like, you're looking, you're looking for somebody who's gonna be able to take care of you, but you're you're you're looking for it in a guy who's not ready.
To give it to you exactly.
And it is like it's so difficult to go through that and realize that. And also you're right, when you're in your twenties, by the way, your hormones are different, your hormones are raging. Everything is just different. You feel excitement in different ways. So she's now like my one particular friend, she's gonna listen to this and be like I felt targeted, Well, I am targeting you with love with love with But she really keeps saying, She's like,
but I don't. I don't feel how I did when I first met this person at this age, and I'm like, of course you're not going to. Of course you're not going to. When we were teenagers, everything was so different,
or in our twenties, it was so different. And so I think it's so important what you said earlier to heal before you're looking for somebody, because otherwise you put all your trauma into that person, you put all your expectations into that person, and you still feel a little bit empty because you haven't filled yourself up before you're coming to that relationship. And also sometimes I think that
¶ Meeting My Husband
I also went through a similar experience, and so for me, I think, instead of thinking what can I gain from that person, let me think about what am I serving to that person? Like what am I providing in this relationship? Not looking for the things that I that I want in my life, but what am I bringing to the table before thinking about what that person is going to be pouring into me. I'm so sorry. Can you hear my summerchea? You hear it in the audio? Everybody, I'm really.
Sorry, It's actually so cute.
I'm really trying to I slip on water. I actually didn't have my shape this morning off my workout. So just letting you all know that if you hear rumbling sounds, it's not Anna, it's me. Okay.
It was very cute. It was a very cute rumbling sound.
When you first met your husband, How did you know that this was different.
I did not believe in love at first site anymore at that point, because I'd fallen in love so many times at first sight that had proven to be not you know, not to say it wasn't real love, but everlasting love. So by the time I met him, I was like, let's just see how this goes. Yeah, And I don't think it's a bad thing to be jaded. So I went in a little bit jaded but open minded, and I immediately felt comfortable with him. So I believe
in comfort at first sight. And I just felt so at home, like I couldn't say anything wrong and I didn't have to think about the next thing. You know, some dates you're like, oh, this man's great and he's attractive, but you're kind of searching for the next thing to say. It was just a very org again a conversation, and I just remember seeing him and thinking he was just so kind, like you know, you know, he had a kind face.
I don't know if in Indian culture there's like this expression.
I know in Chinese culture there is, and there's not anything directly translated into English. But some people you can
¶ The Power of Intuition
just tell like they're kind because they just look kind. And some people are quite manipulative, and they look manipulative, I don't know, and it's like he just looks kind and he is kind, and I just there was no ulterior motive with him, you know, because you could be I had met a lot of guys in New York who were very attractive, but you can always tell they were just a little schemey maybe, you know, always kind of figuring out the next move and you know, making
it too much of a game almost. And my husband was just always very upfront with me from the beginning. He never let me question and it was easy. So I knew pretty quickly that this was different.
Yeah, it's so true. What does this person do to your nervous system? Yes, like that's really what does this person from the moment you meet them, from that first date to the second date, to the third date, to the month after like what are they doing to your nervous system? And I think that's a really good You know a lot of the time with it for butterflies or you're looking for excitement usually comes in the mind where you just want to be stimulated, But like, what
are they doing to your nerves? How do they make you feel? Do they make you feel comforted and safe? And I think safety is a big thing. You can be financially safe, that's one thing, But how do they make you feel safe emotionally and in the times that you would expect them to like either run or get rude, even in the times where you're horrible to them? How do they react right when you are not your kindest exactly? Do they try and make you feel bad for it?
Do they try and react in a worse way than you are, or do they try and settle your nerves? And I think that's something that we're not used to seeing as like a bar of a relationship, of like a barometer of it.
Yeah, And I think it's always like and I blame Hollywood for that, arnt. Yes, I blame the fact that we were raised on these very compelling love stories that actually were really unhealthy depictions of Love.
You know, it's like The Notebook. I was just about to say that, Okay, can we just talk about I love?
Can we talk about it? No? I love The Notebook. It is my plain film. But every time I watch it, I'm like.
She left Lawn, who was just like amazing, like and she's like, I'm gonna go back to this guy that I fought with every single week while we were together.
Are you always rooting for them? You're watching you? You can't every time. I want to not be rooting for them, But I'm rooting for them every single time I'm watching it.
Oh my god, You're always rooting.
And that's the problem is that I think I love that movie as a kid growing up, and we see that played out over and over again with all these different rom coms that we had in the late nineties early two thousands. It's the concept of the manic pixie dream girl where somebody talks about this in a very
eloquent way that I'm gonna butcher. But there is this stuff he done on like how women back in the late nineties early two thousands were just very ancillary characters to the men, right stories, So did you ever see Elizabeth.
Town with Orlando Bloom.
Actually, okay, so I don't know, Like, you know, the Notebook is like a classic that I think kind of hit worldwide. Elizabeth's Town did very well in the US. I don't know if it made it over to the UK, but you should and in it Orlando Bloom obviously very attractive. So that was intentional, right, yeah, yeah, I've seen.
Better, right, So he I guess it's like this really tortured.
Guy and his dad dies and he has to travel home to the dad's funeral and he meets Kirsten Dunce along the way, and like he's all like brooding and like, you know, kind of a grouch, and she's just like this happy, kind of fairy girl in his life and.
She's like, don't worry, it'll be fine, you know, I'll I'll take care of it. I'll be happy whatever.
And eventually like she brings him out of his shell and she like she makes him realize that life is worth living again, which is great, but that's the kind of media I was digesting as a child, so I was like, oh, I need to be that savior, that savior.
I grew up thinking the same thing. Yeah, and I ended up like even on dates and whatever, I would end up wanting to find someone that I could fix or save because I felt like that was my role in the relationship. And then I met Jay and it was like, wait, what is my role? Because he does not need fixing, he's very fixed.
And then you're like, oh shit, it's me.
Yeah, And then it's like there's nothing for me to save, like he's really good at saving himself, and I'm like, so what do I do in this? And so so much of my trauma would come out in our relationship where I was wanting to be very independent and showing him that I could do everything by myself because I don't want to be saved because I'm not a damsel in distress. But at the same time, I would be like, Okay, I'll just i'll cook for you and i'll do this fore you and I'll do this few and it's like
¶ Dating Struggles: Women and Men
he's not wanting or expecting that. He's like very self sufficient and so really all he wanted was love, and I was like, wait, I'm really not used to this that what does that mean? Like how do I navigate this? And so it's definitely a shift in mindset and dynamic when you find someone who has done the work and is ready for a partner to give two versus waiting for a partner to look after them exactly.
But I think a lot of men were also raised to think that, oh, I'll find a wife, go from.
My mum to my wife exactly.
Yeah, and that we call the mummy boys.
Yeah, there we go.
Okay, have you found like in all the I'm sure you get so many dms, so many dms from so many women. What do you find women are struggling with the most right now? Like in your community of women who are dating one What do you think is going on with men right now? And why people struggling so much to figure out who to be with and find someone.
I do think to an extent that people are not struggling maybe as much as we think they are. They've always just been struggling, right, It's just always been difficult. Yeah, I mean, think about Sex and the City. When did that first episode air? The reason why that show is so iconic is because if you watch it again, it's exactly the same stuff that everybody is going through now. It's just we're so much more aware of the struggle now because of social media, so but it's always been there.
Big is the chad in all of our lives. So I think, you know, I think it almost And I.
Don't mean to say this in a diminishing way because I know some people are going to be like, oh my god, it is so much worse, Like you know, you're married now, how dare you know? But here's the thing is is that, like, if you tell yourself it's so much harder now, it's so much harder than it was for my parents or whatever, you're going to start acting in ways I kind of prove that and validate that.
Like I don't really believe we're preordained for anything. I think, you know, our lives kind of have a path, and we can kind of choose our path. And if you're telling yourself that it's so hard that it's impossible, you'll kind of.
Do things that impossible path for yourself exactly.
This is why I don't like, you know, a lot of my girlfriends go to psychics and mediums and.
Say my friends to some of the friends I was just talking about, Yeah.
Some of them, I will say, are shockingly accurate, to the point where I'm like, there is I believe in God. I believe in something out there, and when I hear people like that, I'm like, there's something you have that the rest of us don't.
But I don't.
Necessarily, I've never really wanted to go to a psychic to figure out when am I going to get married? Like when's my job going to happen? Because I don't want to start living my life as if something is inevitable. So I think, again, don't like find a solution before you know even what the problem is?
Yes, yeah, I think the problem with psychics now is that you end up putting or just generally, you end up putting so much weight on that and then when it doesn't happen, you just feel like it's doomed and then it's not possible. And so I have found friends
¶ Past Encounters: Exes Reaching Out
that have heard it. It's happened and it's been great. But I do think sometimes when you get into desperation, you just end up holding onto every single word and every single thing that that person has said, and then it can really lead to more disappointment than you were destined for in your life. You end up feeling way more disappointed than you would have had things just not happen naturally exactly.
And what if a psychic tells you you're going to be alone forever? Yeah, and then you just live the rest of your life thinking that, and you go through life assuming that, and then they're wrong. Well, you just spent whatever the four years between when you listen to that psychic and when you met your husband, just feeling like it wasn't going to happen for you.
Have any of the chads reached out to you since you started making it?
No, and I had an interesting habit, not intentionally. I think everybody is a type, right. That's why they say when you get divorced, you're so much more likely to get divorced again, because so many people think that the second person they're marrying is different from the first person, but they just find a different version of.
The first person.
Oh god, yeah, because everybody has something that they're attracted to, right.
My type has historically always.
Been men who may have been my age but were allergic to social media and who are really old souls
¶ Intercultural Marriage
is maybe just kind of like an overused word, but like they were eighty five year old men at heart, so it didn't matter. Like my high school boyfriend, who is my exact age never had an Instagram, which is very strange for somebody.
Who's thirty four.
I mean, like we grew up with Instagram, So I never dated any men who were active on social media. So my feeling is that the majority of them do not know that I have this career because we live in a microcosm, even though it feels like our entire world. And think about how many creators out there that have massive followings and everything, but like, if you're not on
their algorithm, you're not going to see it. Yeah, if you're a forty five year old man with a family who checks Facebook once a year, you probably don't know.
And you married someone outside of your culture, how has that dynamic been for you? Did you ever date men that were part of your culture or have you always kind of not really been attracted to that.
I've dated men within my culture and look to a certain extent.
I'm not gonna lie. It's easier.
It is easier because my parents are Chinese immigrants, and I did date a man who not only was Chinese but spoke their dialect. They're sharing Chinese, and that was really special for me when it happened because my parents are very fluent in English, but they still have accents and they're not nearly as comfortable in English as they are in Chinese. But then when they're around their Chinese friends,
they just kind of come alive. And so for the first time, it was like really cool to see my mom, especially just be able to interact with a boyfriend that she had not been able to interact with previous boyfriends because she's just felt so comfortable in her language. That being said, you know, you can't just marry somebody because your culture is aligne And that was a struggle for me because I think I would date a lot of
American men who did not have an immigrant background. And what I didn't realize that a lot of the time it didn't work out is because I'm actually very Chinese nice. I have a lot of traditional Chinese values, and it really took Dave to kind of even reinforce that in me. I don't think I even knew. And yes, he's white, he's from Boston. He is just American, but we always call him like an egg white on the outside, yell on the inside, some amalgamation of his personalities because of his.
Mom and dad's jeans.
He like just came out sort of like my parents. Like he's more Chinese than some Chinese people we know, like and I mean in ways like how he looks at money, like what he values in life, Like he's very frugal. He's a saver, which is not very American, like America's built on debt culture. He lives well below his means. He lived in the same apartment for nine years in New York City. It was a rent stabilized apartment. It was awful. And when I started dating him, you know,
you don't know how much somebody makes. I knew he had a good job and a good career and he was driven, but you know, you only have their apartment to look exactly. And I was like, oh, he's probably doing okay, but he's probably not doing great, which is fine. And I was like, you know, And then when we finally got serious enough where we started talking about finances and everything, I was like.
You make that? What are you doing?
I was like, why haven't you upgraded? He was like, I'm fine here, I don't need more.
This works.
I was like, your ceiling crumbles every time you shut the door. There's a piece of plaster on his ceiling over his couch that was loose, and every time you shut the front door would crumble a little, so before you sat down you would have to get the dustbuster out and vacuum it up. His toilet handle you have to hold down for five seconds before it fully flushes, and he was like whatever, it worked for me. Yeah, he was happy. So he needs very little and he
really works. You know, obviously we work for money, but we also work for a sense of fulfillment. And he just really understands my parents in an intrinsic way that I never thought would be possible. So that is really awesome and I never thought i'd have that, but I'm glad I do.
Yeah, I am. We have in my family two white Englishmen that married into the family into a very Indian family, and let me tell you, they are more Indian than some of our other like the other son in laws that came into the family, and they love Indian food and all the parents love them and they integrated into the culture so beautifully that you wouldn't even realize they know all the foods that they love. They love in new food more than some more than my cousin sisters.
Like they're like, we want to cheeseburgers.
They're like, no, exactly, And so I, you know, I grew up thinking the same thing, that you marry in your culture, like it's just normal to think that. You've seen people, you've seen your parents do it. And then when I started seeing my cousins stay outside of that, and I was like, wow, it is so much more about values. And you know, in my culture, there's still such a tradition of you only marry in your culture, no matter what fason it's bad.
That's more true in Indian culture than Chinese culture. Chinese people, at least at this stage, don't really care, but Indian culture is very very.
Some parts are still very strict. And even if the guy is not that great, and even it's fine, even if there's a guy that's who's best, he's a man, he's a man, he's part of the culture. You're going to marry him. And unfortunately that, you know, causes a lot of issues. And I think it's getting better slowly, but it's taken a lot to improve that. But when I've seen them come into the family, I'm like, wow, you really saw how possible it is to have such
a beautiful multicultural relationship. And family and respect and honor each other's values and traditions and become part of one another's And like, how amazing that you get to celebrate both cultures, Like instead of celebrating one, you get to celebrate both exactly. And I think that's actually such a You end up becoming so much more aware of each other and respectful of each other just by honoring each other's traditions.
And you get the best of both worlds. Truly, I think about it in a simplistic way. The food my mom makes amazing homemade noodles and lo maine, well, my mother in law makes amazing pesto.
I still haven't gotten right, and I never had pesto growing up.
You know, no, I completely agree. I think that's so important for people to also hear. And also, your parents are not dating the man and so and not spending the rest of their life with the man, so as much as they may think they know what's best for you, I think there has to be you know, I'm always going to be a baby to my mum, and I understand that, But at the same time, you are going to have to spend the rest of your life with that person. And I think it is a fact. Of course,
it is a family thing. Like, look, in your culture, your husband is part of your family. But to a certain extent, you can only let your family, haven't put to a certain extent to the man you're gonna end up marrying.
And my parents have always been very good at that, to the extent that they've always said, do not think about us, focus on your relationship. Never let in lav realelationships get in the way of your marriage, because when you get married, which I said to them, like, I don't consider this to be true, but they're like, when you get married, like, that's your nuclear family now, like we're secondary. It's like, no, you're not. I'm like, you
are still my nuclear family. Calmed the down, I said the same thing.
I was like, what do you mean that's not true?
Yeah?
I like, hell, now, you know, I understand what they mean. And I think a lot of parents aren't like that. They're like, oh, you're married now, well, like you still like, I'm I gave life to you, so you need to consider me first.
And it causes a lot of issues for.
People, yes, and ano of it just comes from ego. I think if you just end up trying to, you're constantly thinking about how you can make the other person's life better rather than how they can. Even even in family relationships, right, It's like, if my mum always wants to make my life easier, so she's going to be as nice as she can to my in laws and as nice as you can to my husband, and I
mean they will get along really well. But if you have that mentality of how can we actually keep this family together and make it the best that it can be versus how can I put my foot down and have it my way, It's it's always going to be better.
But I think that it's also so Asian culture in general is much more multi generational, you know, Okay, I've told my husband from the beginning, I was like, if my parents ever get to a point one day where they're unable to live on their own, I'm never putting them in a nursing home. They're moving in with us.
We will figure it out, right, And he's okay with that, which is very different than American culture, where obviously, like assisted living is very much a thing here and it's not a shame to put your parents into assisted living. And I'm not saying that you should feel badly for doing that. I'm just saying like, those are two very
different cultures and neither is right or wrong. But I think because Asian culture is so multi generational, there's this kind of collective well being that we're all funneling our efforts towards where I think American culture, like strict American culture is just much more individualistic, and there's pros and cons to each. But it feels like, at least like with you know, a lot of the men that I was dating, they were they had nice relationships with their family,
¶ Marriage: Challenges and Surprises
but it was distant that it was like, oh, you know, well I call home once a month at most, and we might see them at the holidays, or you know, if I feel like going to Bali over Thanksgiving.
I'll just do that instead.
You know.
I was like, what, yeah, yeah, so that's what I couldn't really get over. I needed somebody who was more family oriented, who understood why I needed to see my parents all the time as a fully formed adult.
Yeah, exactly. I need you to know I'm going to be calling my mom three times a day minimum, exactly, and there will be not much conversation happening, but we will be talking.
Sometimes just FaceTime is like literally propped up on my computer and like nobody's talking, but it's like it's the togetherness.
Yeah, exactly, it is. Okay, So now you're married, having been married.
For we've been married for a little over two years. We got married in September tenth of twenty twenty two.
Okay, And what are some of the things that were surprises once you got married? Were there any? And also what's been difficult? Like what have you what have you had to navigate that you weren't can give it a bad day?
There were no surprises because I will say the fact that we were together for four years prior to getting married. Marriage doesn't really change much if it's a piece of paper, right, I have health insurance.
Now, exact really what it changed for me?
And we actually got legally married before our official ceremony because I needed health insurance and it was like four months before a wedding and I was running out of my health insurance and he was like, let's just get legally married so you can get onto mine. So marriage didn't change anything for us. I don't think there were any surprises. I just think in terms of like what's challenging. Like, actually,
our marriage is not challenging. Life is pretty challenging. And I always think, you know, when I hear people say marriage is so much work, so much work. Look, look, I don't have kids right with him, so let's see. But as a childless couple, marriage has not been difficult. Life has been really difficult at times. Over the last six and a half years that we've been together, I've
¶ Building Adult Friendships
struggled a lot with mental health stuff. You know, We've had family health issues and everything, and just those things are difficult. But we're always kind of coming at it from the same page. So I don't at all actually feel like our marriage is difficult. I just feel like life is kind of tough sometimes, but we'll figure it out.
You know. One thing we were talking about earlier that we touched on was trying to make friends as couples. Yes, and I feel like that that is I agree. I agree with you. I think like, if you're both putting in work to the relationship, there's not much that can be chilling if you're both choosing to be there, If you're both choosing to work at it, there's always hope in the relationship, right. But one thing we spoke about earlier, which was trying to make friends as adults. As an adult couple.
Well, it's really hard making friends as a couple in your thirties because essentially two people have to like the other counterpart, right, So we moved to Connecticut knowing very few people, and we've made very few couple friends in the four years we've been there because oftentimes it's like, oh, I'll really get along with the wife, but like my husband won't quite click with the husband, or he'll click with the husband and I won't quite click with the wife.
And that's that's tough because, like, you know, when you're younger, you're just naturally more social and you're used to larger groups of friends around.
You and more free time. You're like not as invested of how much how much free time you have and who you spend it with. You're a little bit looser with that as well, because you're like, I've got all the time in the world.
Exactly, and you're just kind of like, you know, the you have less responsibilities, less bills to pay for, less just stuff going on. And so I feel like as an adult, it's just been really interesting, Like I have a handful on one hand, close girlfriends in Connecticut at this point, and like we really only have like one or two couple friends that we consistently see on a regular basis. First of all, there's no time. I mean, we don't do anything on the weekdays. We don't socialize
on the weekdays. It's just too much. So that really leaves Friday and Saturday. And I'm somebody that like, if I see somebody on Friday, I can't go out Saturday.
I need it.
One day on like three days off exactly.
I need I can only do like one big social thing a week at most, and so that really limits the amount of time you can spend with somebody. I think it'll change maybe when we have kids, because I hear you meet a lot of.
Kidople, Yeah you have.
I agree.
I think me and Jay have always found that where someone he's a little bit older than me. So when we're back home, he has his friends who he's been friends with for a long time, and I don't have that same relationship with the wives. They're wonderful, but we're just at different stages in life. A lot of them had kids that are a little bit older, and they're in a different stage of life. And then me, I've got a lot of friends. All my girlfriends are still single.
A lot of them are still single, and so like one we don't have couples there to actually spend time with, and two we just have a different relationship. I've known them since I was a teenager, like we have when we're together, we end up being like who we were when we were teenagers. It's a different.
Relationship and it's like the cackling out, I want nothing to do with this. I need to go meditate now, Like I just, oh my.
God, I do not want to hang out with you guys. And so what we've learned to do now is he has a lot of separate time with his guy friends and I have a lot of separate time with my girlfriends. And then we do have times where we bring a lot of people together at once. But I think sometimes trying to drag your partner along to a time where he doesn't want to be part of it, or doesn't necessarily not dislike the partner but doesn't have as much in common or want to spend his spare time with
that person. I think that's what it is. Same with family, there's a lot of time Robbie, Like, why would you not want to spend three to four hours doing nothing with my family?
What do you mean?
Like that's the best thing, sitting around, not talking, being
¶ Key Takeaways and Advice
around each other and hanging out. And I had to realize that, Look, he's also not someone who has done that a lot with his own family, and so he loves spending time with my family. But would he want to just spend days on end doing absolutely nothing with them? Probably not right, not because he doesn't love and adore them, but because he wants to spend his time differently exactly.
And so, yeah, now we have a lot of like he goes on his guide dates, I go on my girl dates, and then we'll have a few people that will kind of bring together for games, nights and stuff where we can do it in large groups with everybody. But yeah, I think it's sometimes unrealistic to think you're going to have all these couple friends that will get along with each other, like you see, it's probably less true for most people.
Exactly, and you don't always have to be doing things together.
Yeah, what do you see in terms of where you are right now and the kind of impact that you want to have and what you want women to know, is there one piece of advice that you would want to give people right now after everything you've done, like the biggest piece of advice that you feel has impacted you.
If I had to pick one, I would say that what you're able to let go of is actually going to be your greatest asset, because I think most of the time women can't let go of what doesn't serve them anymore, and they don't realize if I just let oh of this, I'm going to create so much space for what I really want to come into my life. But we have a finite amount of time and energy and just what we can dedicate to one person one career,
¶ Embracing Vulnerability
and if it's not working out Shift Gears think about the chaos of my Instagram career, like very few people I know were like, oh yeah, I started off in a completely different niche like most people like were like, Okay, this is what I want to do, and like you know, they build slowly or they go viral overnight and then they just keep doing it. Like I had eight thousand different personalities online and I was just willing to I was like, Okay, it's working, Like.
Let's let it go.
If I had stuck to my guns, and then like no, I started off at Home Day Corps, I'm going to continue in Home Day Corps. It wouldn't be here because that's just I wasn't good at it and I didn't like it.
So let go, let goga and go of the chads.
Let go of the chad.
Is there an emotion that you find difficult to deal with? If there's one, let me see.
I'm such an open book that I really allow myself to feel all my emotions. But what I will say is like, for me personally, i'm quite I have a I'm quick to anger, and I think that's not great, both for me and the people around me. But it's weird because like, I don't like feeling angry, but I also feel like my anger has gotten me here. Like a lot of my content is inspired by the fact that I am angry about what I seem, what I deem to be injustices in the world.
So I don't know.
It's like, I think you should make space for all the emotions. It's like that movie Inside Out. It's like, yeah, I love that not everything you know. Joy is not the old It's the point of life is not to just be happy all the time and just kind of, you know, float through life in this drug induced haze. That's not that's not a meaningful life. That's just called living in ignorance. So, uh yeah, I find sadness. I find anger difficult to deal with, but I understand the necessity in my life.
They say, I don't know whether you've had this before, but they say that anger is a secondary emotion to something else that you're feeling, and so it's hurt, pain, neglect, disappointment.
¶ Coping with Emotions
You know, there's a primary emotion that's led to the protective secondary emotion that is anger. And I always find that helpful because every time I feel angry, if I really do like track it back to where it's actually come from, it does come from a place where it's a protection. It's actually a protective emotion, right like anger
is a protective emotion. I feel these feelings that have made me open up and that feel very sacred to me, and now to actually express that anger is the way I can express it because there's other emotions feel too intimate.
¶ Closing Remarks
So I found that really interesting and it helped me really process anger differently. Once I figured that out, what kind of cry are you. Are you like an actress? One one?
No, I am such an ugly cry okay, And it's not cute, And like I don't cry on camera mostly because.
Like nobody needs to be that.
I don't know, and I just there's something to me and like I don't really I think I cried on camera once for my grandfather passed away.
But other than that, I'm just I'm an ugly crier. Yeah.
I love an ugly crier me too. I feel like that is really the best type of crier.
Yeah, it's not. And it's like you look at my face, like, is she smiling? Is she like it? Is she great? Is she angry? Like what's happened? It's not. It's not good.
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for conversation. So appreciate everything you do. You bring so much. Every time I see your videos, it makes me so happy because you make people laugh, and I think you make them laugh you make them think at the same time, and I think the duality of that is such a perfect combination to have impact. And so you're helping so many women out there to really move through their relationships and think about what they want in life.
And also find worth in their life about themselves, and I think that's something that a lot of women are lacking these days. So thank you for making everyone feel so much more confident. And I'm so excited for whatever journey you've got coming along, and I'm here for it. I'm going to be.
Watching, thank you so much, and right back at you, thank you, and
Through