42. We’re Hyper-focusing (and Hyperventilating) About Our Upcoming ADHD Assessments

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 42 of a dopamine kick. So in the last couple of weeks we try something a little bit different. We've gone completely off script and just had a conversation. And we've had quite a lot of feedback that people really enjoy that and they find that easier to listen to. So we are going to carry on with that. And today we're just going to have a conversation. But today we're going to take it even one further and we're gonna put this out on editor just as we record it.

assessment. And so there's been some developments on that. So, Sparky, you were going to be assessed won't you this week, but unfortunately that's been delayed with the Queen's funeral. And so we don't have a definite date for you yet. And my date is Wednesday, the fifth of October. So yeah, lots of mixed emotions about that. So I thought it'd be nice for us to have a chat. So we haven't talked about this beforehand. We've messaged a little bit back and forth over the week, but we haven't had a chance to have a chap. So these will be sort of our real reactions, I guess. So I have got a few questions. I know you're gonna start this afternoon. So I think that is something about you can ask all of them back as well. Okay, so So the first thing I wanted to speak to you about is how do you feel about having an assessment? And the reason I wanted to ask that is because obviously initially, we when we started this journey, we were under the impression that it was going to take a lot longer to get an assessment. Yeah. And now it seems that we are both going to be assessed. Quite quickly. So I just wanted to know, like, how do you feel about that? Has that changed things for you?

And you know what, some people aren't even aware of it. They don't even realise so they could be you know, they could be dealing with these symptoms on a daily basis and they have to wait that long. And, you know, like we've said before, we didn't even realise that we might have something like this because nobody told us right? So it could take even longer and obviously, you know it's took 30 plus years just for anybody to realise this. So, for me I guess from my standpoint anyway, I am just kind of relieved in a way that I'm not saying I definitely have ADHD but for me on some level, there's some sort of relief that I could possibly have answers to the way of being or my whole entire life and that I guess in someone that's completely new to it like you shell for example, I don't mean new to kind of ADHD or mental health I mean for example, I've I've had to see people in the past about depression and anxiety and things that access to me. It's nothing new to go and see someone and speak about my problems issues or whatever. So that answer to me is like it's kind of exciting in a way rather than Oh, okay, well, this is this is quite nerve racking for me, but I and I understand completely why somebody would feel that way because that's how I first was when I have to talk to anybody about any more problems but I've got so much experience of this now talking to somebody that really when I look at all the symptoms and the science and I watch all these videos and there's you know, there's all these funny things and me and my friend and and you as well, we'll send each other and memes and videos and it's like oh my god, that's so me. I can't help but feel that if that is me, I now have answers to it. And that to me is well, kind of nice to know that maybe at some point, I'm going to be normal. I'm going to be I mean I hate to use that word normal. I don't see like that. But you know, there's an answer to my problems in the sense that I can't focus and things like that. So I guess from my point of view, I'm not I'm trying to look at it from the positive perspectives rather than then think about all the bad things about it. How about how about you because I know that you're going to be a little bit different to me, I know that you told me you were a bit nervous.

I am just an emotional wreck right now. I feel like I've gone from like nought to 60. And, like, all my bad things are just coming out like I think on the surface and keeping it together. The people who don't know me that well wouldn't necessarily know that something was up but like behind the scenes, my junk food consumption has gone through the roof. My impulse spending, again, gone through the roof. And like I tend to be quite strict with that anyway. So when I say impulse spending, like I'm not like the kind of person who goes out and buys a designer clothes every day and yeah, like that, but it's just silly little purchases that I wouldn't have made if I wasn't feeling emotional. Yeah. And so yeah, for me, this is all like super news. So I've always known that I was neurodiverse because I was diagnosed as a dyslexic when I was about nine, so all of this stuff about you know, a lot of the ADHD symptoms are really overlapping anyway so like the you know, the always been late living in chaos, that sort of thing. So I always just thought it was either my dyslexia or just me being a bit shit at life

this the whole like talking to someone about myself. I'm just not looking forward to that at all. So I did start seeing a CBT therapist. I think for about six, seven weeks and now and like for me like that was kind of bad in math like although I'm dyslexic. I've never really I haven't really had any sort of help with that at school. Yes, I had, like a special tutor at school and I'd like did all my exams and a computer, but it was all very academic focus. Like I've never really had that like consistent support with like, emotional stuff. So yeah, I'm not looking forward to I kind of feel like I know it's not I know that, you know, the psychiatrist is there to help and to make an assessment, but I kind of feel like it's a test and like, almost like, you know, I'm going to be like tricked or something. And I haven't tried to like swap on what the answer should be. And like, obviously, that there isn't really any answers like it's, they're just you're just going to ask about me. So yeah, I'm a real mix of emotions and not doing very well. And I also don't know what I want the result to be either because I have all these symptoms and signs and obviously I was struggling. That's what's led to this in the first place. So I guess in one respect, I probably would rather have ADHD because then there's an answer for everything. And, you know, I know that there's medications that you could take so you know, there's a potential for me to be doing better than I am now. So like, on one hand, I kind of almost in a sick way, want to be diagnosed with it. But then there's another part of me that's like, Oh God, what about if I do this assessment? And the psychiatry says, No, you don't have ADHD, like, we don't know what's wrong with you. You are just broken. You know, there isn't a label for your crazy. Well, I

I mean, at the end of the day, talking about yourself is always going to be hard and there are people that don't want to open up. I am completely different opposite. I will. I like to open up about myself. I don't know why. I've always been very like me, me and me. Maybe it's, maybe it's a bit self absorbed in some way. Like, listen to me. I've got this problem. Listen to me. Now. I don't know if that's the ADHD because there is a symptom. Where you talk over people and you know, you impatient and you want to you know, you need to be heard can't wait your tear. So maybe that's that's part of it. Like Listen to me, listen to me. And I mean, the things that I've told them, psychiatrists in the past about the way I'm feeling things, this is on a grand scheme of things. Probably Probably the easiest thing to talk. But I think listening and researching because I'm, I'm, I'm a very much I'm very much kind of person who I like to learn about things and that's, that's part of my hyper focus. So you'll notice everything in my life, if, if there's an issue, it's researched, and then it's trying to be fixed. So for example, if there's an issue with my dog, I'm like, right, let's look at all these training people. Let's watch like 10,000 training videos. And then let's let's kind of put this into practice. And I'm like that in every aspect of my life. So obviously, with the ADHD thing, I'm researching looking it up listening to other people listening to professors and God that you know, the amount of research that I'm doing is just unbelievable, but I find sometimes that you will, you'll find people in your listen to them and you'll think actually you know what, it's actually, for me, anyway, really not that bad of a thing, because it's not, if I do have this, it's not my fault. And I'm trying to tell myself that and also, I kind of now understand why I behave sometimes the way that I do. So this is Professor I don't know his name, but I'll put them in. I'll put him in the show notes. Because I think he's a really good person to listen to. But basically, you know, we were talking before about how you can't do anything unless it's like emergency last minute. Now I understand why people with ADHD. Do that why they do things last minute, is because there's some sort of chemicals and I'm not going to get into the science about this because obviously I'm not a scientist and I don't I'm talking about but this is just just a basic, a basic rundown of it, your chemicals in your brain, the neurons and electrodes and all you know, obviously your brain has got lots of stuff going on. When you're hyper focused on something so when you really enjoy something, you can have this chemical light pass through all these neurons and, and connect with each other really, really well. But when you're doing something that you perceive as boring or it's really hard, or it's unmotivated, or anything like that, these chemicals kind of get stopped. They're not strong enough. So basically, when you're anxious or you're stressed, those chemicals are heightened, which allows those chemicals to kind of push through which forces you to get the stuff done. So I'm guessing that the medication sort of stimulants or whatever they use, sort of has the same effect on the brain, which is why you end up actually being able to focus and get stuff done, which is again why I only can seem to focus when it's an absolute emergency and something's gonna happen to me that, you know, I'm gonna if I don't get this done now, then I'm not going to be able to get it done. I'm able to focus and get it done reluctantly, but I'm able to do it. And I think, I think kind of understanding that and realising that's what I do. It's kind of really helpful. To me because otherwise if I wasn't aware of that, I guess I've just been going around in the same routine that had always been done. And I'd be passing you again at Christmas time. On Christmas Eve shopping. While we're both running around trying to get presents my

life that was the I think that was the most stressful Christmas was that was a very stressful Christmas. So we've managed to both lever until like Christmas Eve I think we I think we've been working on we work together. And I think it was one of them actually working Christmas Eve as well. It wasn't but I think it was one of those years that Christmas fell in the middle of the week so you don't get as much time off do you and I think we've been working the weekend before. So it's basically just all conspired into Christmas Eve neither of us had a single Christmas present. And so we we both have work that we weren't just frantically rushed from work into town. And it was just it was it was like coming out of a comedy because we weren't shopping together. We were frantically running around like doing the children's things separately and Birmingham city centre is not small, like it's quite a big place. But we just kept running past each other, completely unplanned. Just looking like progressively more and more frazzled. Frantic, as like shocked was starting to close and we didn't have all the presents. And then then we ended up I think one I can't remember which one but one of us ran out of battery on our phone so we lost we were supposed to go home together but we lost contact. But then we ended up like roughly arriving back home coincidentally at the same time anyway. And then we're in our bedrooms but when the doors open shouting across the hall as we would like frantically wrapping up all the press. It was pandemonium.

The reason that I haven't is because I kind of feel a little bit like while everyone knows it's listening to be so it's fine. It's not a secret or anything like that. But it's just it's just the conversation, isn't it? Like, oh, by the way, I'm going for an assessment. What do you think? Do you know what I mean? And I know at some point, I think during an assessment anyway, you do need to have somebody that can either write a letter or at least say that what you were like as a child, so I'm gonna have to at some point, get my parents involved. That was fine. It's not like I'm keeping it secret from them. I'm pretty sure they know anyway. Pretty sure my mom told me all my life when I was growing up that something wrong way Yeah. You got it. You got something. I mean, I couldn't sit still as a kid I we had we had this TV that had a glass glass door. And you know the glass door. It's got kind of magnet on it opening close. I used to sit there and kind of like, push it in and out flick. it with my feet all the time while like I know this is a Birmingham term. I'm going to use GM bowling around on the floor which basically just means like, Roly polies all around. And this one time i i was swinging it really hard, you know, you get more a bit higher, you get a bit more hyperactive. And and shattered. And I was like, Oh no, what am I going to do? So I blamed the on my, my brother, who was about three at a time throwing his bottle two at the time maybe throwing his bottle at the air at the TV screen and it shattered, but obviously they're gonna have to know all of this that you know.

I actually talk very few people. So I've told my sisters and did I agree. Are they saying we think so? Yeah. So my middle sister thinks that she also might have it. Yeah, my younger sister. She just doesn't know very much about it. But she's she's very supportive. But she's she's, you know, she's eight months pregnant. So she has other things on her mind right? Now, which is she's fine. I haven't told parents grandparents. Do you want us I haven't really told that many of my friends either really just sort of those very closest to me. I kind of I guess this goes back to like, imposter syndrome type things. I don't want to tell people until I know for sure because I don't want to have to tell people afterwards. Oh, yeah. No, I you know, I guess there's a bit of me that thinks I'm gonna have to say afterwards. No, I don't have ADHD. I was just attention seeking. So I kind of

Yeah, well, I do think that part of the whole ADHD thing is is anybody listening that doesn't? doesn't know what it is. I think sometimes you kind of get the wrong opinion of it as well. You think you know, people are going to be like really up in your face and you know that they're going to be really difficult to be around. But that's not entirely the case. Like the fact that no one really told us so we had issues. And the fact that we didn't even know ourselves just kind of goes to show that most of the time it's more it's more in your own mind. It's more symptoms that you do more privately than anything, you know, on the surface. I think we've record

it although isn't it both you and I are fairly good at masking. I think that's what it's called. I didn't I didn't know this was a thing, but it was when you pretend to be other people. So the idea that I know I know you do. I know. You've told me that you did as well. If I'm around someone and they've got an accent, start picking on that accent. Yeah. And it's really embarrassing. Like I won't be able to help myself but I'll suddenly you know, start coming out with like, Welsh words or like really scouse and it sounds like I'm taking the mick but I'm not I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. I can hear when it comes out when I'm like oh my God, why did I but it just it just happens. Because it's,