When it costs $500 to have your dog neutered it's no wonder the local shelters are overflowing with unwanted dogs and cats. It's also a good reason to simply go the DIY route. Get a pair of poultry sheers from the kitchen and some electrical tape from the garage. The job should be done in one good snip. A whiskey chaser for the dog and you can call it a day.
Here's an idea. Why not have a "dollar menu" at the vet? Instead of the vet telling you what the treatment for you sick dog or cat is going to be, you simply choose what you want to have done from the dollar menu. You can have the five thousand dollar surgery for your dog's eye, or you can buy an eye patch from the 99 cents store. Your choice.
Who doesn't want a cuddly lovable pet to love and enjoy? Here's an idea...why not a full grown alligator? There's a pet you can let roam freely through your backyard and your house, a pet you can have curl up to you at night when you sleep, and a pet that's really good with children. Feeding it isn't really a problem either. Just let it eat all the cats and small dogs in the neighborhood.
Nothing says you're a real woman like a tampon stuck in the back pocket of your jeans. Real Lesbians don't have wallets in their back pocket, they've got a heavy-duty super-flow day tampon ready for action and for all the world to see. When the tampon is out of the pocket, you can still see the outline of the tampon rubbed into the denim on the outside. Not for wimps.
The one sure-fire thing that makes Lesbians get moist in their jeans is a Lesbian in a baseball hat on crutches. To make it a double orgasm, the reason she's on crutches is from a softball injury. Then there's the perfect trifecta - a Lesbian law enforcement officer on a K-9 patrol with a dog in her car. Call the Coast Guard, because we have someone in a danger of downing in rush of body fluid.
The service seemed great. You got seated faster than expected. The waitress came right to your table to take your order. Your food came up super fast and everything tasted great. The waitress must have been super busy since she was only by the table once to deliver the food. The check comes right away. It might have been some other table's check, but at least it came quickly. You just thought the service was good that night, but it turns out it was all really because you were Dyke Beautiful.
After you've tried several different tactics to get people to stop leaving dog crap on your front lawn, it's time to move to Def Con 5. Put in a surveillance camera, record the people leaving crap on the lawn and then edit together a loop tape of the culprits. Play the recording on a big screen TV out your front window and play the tape over and over again until the assailants have to move away from the neighborhood in shame.
If you're going to open a business, it's helpful to have the name of your company clearly spell out to customers exactly what you're selling. After all these years it finally became clear that the spot between the twat and the shitter is called the Twitter. Some people are just the last to know.
For the general movie-going public there's Rotten Tomatoes to help guide you through the myriad bad movies that you can waste good money on going to see. Lesbians need the same type of movie guide so that they don't waste money seeing the movie about the young Lesbian whose girlfriend starts sleeping with her mother. We'll call it Rotten Vaginas. If that doesn't keep you away...nothing will.
It's really not hard to be a criminal and get away with it. All it really takes is not being stupid. Just learn to spell the word thousand and you could get away with stealing cash all day long. Here's a hint- there is no W in the word thousand.
Buying a tray of store bought cookies to bring to the holiday party for $30 seemed like an act of extortion that should have brought the grocery store ten years in prison. That was until the Gay men showed up with their $800 baby stroller. At that point bringing the tiny little tray of stale cookies wrapped in cellophane and a chintzy bow made you seem like nothing but a cheap and classless Lesbian.
When you are rude to your barista they simply get you back by giving you decaf instead of full test in your latte. Your favorite dry cleaner also has a trick when you bring in a bag of laundry that you've just informed them your dog has pissed on. Theyre happy to take that dripping, wet bag from you, but when you get it back and you put those clothes on, you'll realize the dry cleaner pissed on your clothes before they gave them back.
If a $3.50 delivery charge is too much for you to spend to have pizza delivered, then you need to get your fat, lazy behind off the couch and go pick it up yourself. Of course, if the delivery person is a hot Lesbian rolling up to your door with a smokin' hot package just for you...then maybe $20 doesn't sound like too much. Sounds like it will be take-out for dinner every night.
If your dog's face swells up to the point where it looks like Mike Tyson beat him up, it's time to go to the vet right away. If you're just out walking your dog and you pass that vet's office, move over to the other side of the street immediately. Otherwise, money will start getting sucked out of your ATM card and credit cards automatically.
Thanksgiving...the time of year to be thankful for family, good friends, all the wonderful things in our lives and for sharing with others. Next time you share that secret family recipe that's been handed down from generation to generation make sure that you leave out one ingredient so that you drive the next three generations insane trying to figure out how you make that special pie taste so good.
It's happened to all of us at one time or another. We dream about something that we're convinced is absolutely real. Like the time Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis and Shakira all showed up at your front door ready to rock your world. According to the dictionary, someone that is delusional is someone that believes things that couldn't possibly be true. Also defined as a psychological disorder.
There's one way to guarantee that you, your partner and your baby can all sit in the same row of the airplane. Fill a ziploc bag full of baby crap and hide it discreetly in the diaper bag. If the airline tries to move you, simply pull out the bag of crap, insert it into your baby's diapers and then proceed to change the baby right there in your seat. Call your partner over to help so that everyone knows you're together. Guaranteed to work every time...straight or Gay.
The meaning of a true partnership is when a your spouse is willing to get up in the middle of the night, walk down the street in her pajamas and look like some freak on her cell phone in the middle of the street to hack a portal for a video game you're playing. The even truer meaning of the word partnership is that she puts up with you playing that nerdy game with teenage boys across the city that are up late at night jizzing on their cellphones.
There's no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed if your children photo bomb other families on vacation taking their own family photos. They're just trying to do a public service by trying to make the other family look better. It's a public service that's free of charge.
Pets are good for a lot of reasons. They can help lower your stress level, they can make you forget about your horrible day and they generally make you feel happier. They're also good to blame the smell on when you lay a big stinky fart in front of your friends. You can blame it on the dog...but your friends know it was you anyway. Even when it really is the dog...your friends still think it's you.
The unspoken rule of Lesbian Etiquette - if you see another Lesbian that you don't know, don't talk to her. Don't make eye contact. Don't acknowledge her existence. Don't stand too close to her. And, definitely don't be seen together in the same location for more than a minute. It's a good thing online dating is now an option or Lesbians would be single forever.
It's the perfect family pet. He's a Lab mix, housebroken, good with kids, good with other animals and loves cats. He doesn't grab food from the table and he never jumps on people. Well...until you complete the adoption process to take the new puppy home. Then he's a Pit Bull mix illegally imported from another country, full of worms, not potty-trained and doesn't know how to walk on a leash.
If you're 30 years old and you still feel the need to go trick-or-treating with a bag of your own, then don't have the audacity to lecture people about what type of candy they should buy. Take $2 out of your own pocket and go down to the store and pick up whatever candy bar you want. Or, just take a little child with you and take the candy out of their bag just like the rest of the adults in the neighborhood.
It's never as good as the first time, especially if you're a cutter. We're not talking about just any kind of cutter. We're talking about the kind of cutting where you lose 6-10 inches that you'll never get back. To these folks, cutting a slit in your arm is simply child's play.
Go ahead and download all the free movies you want from the Internet. It won't cost you a thing. Nobody is counting the 17 new viruses, the 25 cases of malware and all your passwords that have been sold in 10 different countries in the last 5 minutes. Don't worry about the fact that your computer is now dirtier than a slutty girl's vagina.
A lesson in simple logic. Spongebob is absorbent. Spongebob lives in Bikini Bottom. Therefore, Spongebob is a tampon. More logic lessons. Don't ever sign up for Survivor or any reality show where they don't provide female sanitary supplies...unless you enjoy free-bleeding.
Not just anyone can cut Lesbian hair and not anyone can style Lesbian hair. We might be able to shave an armpit, trim a bush or shave a leg, but getting up every morning to put every single hair in it's proper place before going out the door is not a gene everyone is born with. For the rest of us we need a Lesbian Hair Salon that does everything from the long- haired femme to the number one buzz cut, and everything in between. A a bonus they'll pluck a stray hair off your face without missing a ...
You go to a party later in the evening...you're not planning to stay the night, but it's possible that you might be too tired to drive home. Now comes the quandary... Before you go out you get to choose one extra thing to bring with you without being consdidered psycho. Do you take the fresh pair of panties or do you take a toothbrush? Choose wisely.
As a parent you have zero tolerance for any teacher preying on children in the classroom. The very thought of it makes people's blood boil. That's as it should be. But, when you're younger and in the classroom of the hot teacher that you dream about every day...you think it might not be such a bad thing to have the teacher show up to teach class naked one day. Just one day.
You don't have to be a Buddhist to respect other creatures and to want to coexist peacefully with all living things. But, when a bug the size of a piece of luggage comes into your house and decides to make your bathtub its new home, it's game on. Let's just hope the bug doesn't know any type of martial arts.
