You have a few drinks one night and you decide to pleasure yourself before you go to bed. In the morning you can't find your vibrator. There's either a mouse in your closet that is having the time of their life....or you had better go looking for that thing immediately. Immediately as in right now...not 10 years from now.
Let's face it. At some time in our lives we all experience getting dumped. It's ten times worse when we're seriously in love with the other person and one hundred times worse when they dump us for a close friend. There are lot of ways to get over the pain of a breakup. Photoshopping a herpes sore on your exes photo may be quite satisfying, but we've got even more ways to help you through the process.
When you have a toddler in the house and unexpected things happen, it's time to think very carefully about the sequence of events that may have transpired. It's no longer safe to just ignore odd coincidences. Before kids maybe your toothbrush was wet because your wife used it. Once you have a toddler in the house, if the toothbrush is wet and you haven't brushed your teeth...you can be sure that thing was in the toilet.
Colonel Mustard with a candlestick in the dining room. Nope. It was the cleaning lady with a Swiffer in the hallway closet. Either way...the wedding rings are gone and the cleaning lady is now on a luxurious first-class vacation traveling throughout Europe in her new Lamborghini.
It's widely accepted that Gay conversion therapy simply doesn't work. However, that was before someone came up with the brilliant idea of finding the most hideous and despicable man possible and then telling the Gay man you're trying to convert to being a heterosexual to go down on him. Without fail the conversion therapy will work. Gay men would rather lick a vag than go down on that. Cured.
The only thing worse than having to go the doctor to explain that you've left a tampon up inside yourself for the last three days is when the doctor explains to you that it's more common than you think. As a public service to women everywhere, Lesbians of the world need to unite to help inspect vaginas everywhere just in case someone inadvertently left something up there. We're professionals...we can help.
There's are reason some children are fearful of clowns. They go to parties with clowns that should have retired 20 years earlier. Back in the day they might have enjoyed clowning, but now they hate little children, they're sick of making balloon animals and the clown suit smells like sweat and vomit because it hasn't been cleaned in those last 20 years either.
When a job needs to be done and something in the house needs to be fixed it's time to call a professional. You can't just call anyone. You want to make sure they have years of experience and have earned a badge of respect in their trade. If a plumber shows up at your house and they don't show you some plumber's crack within the first 30 seconds of starting job, it's time to ask them to leave. Clearly, they have not earned their professional license.
If you're planning to go on a hunger strike you might want to make sure that somebody really cares enough about what you're protesting to give a crap about whether you die doing it or not. You don't want a bunch of people showing up with steaming buckets of Chick-Fil-A to see whether you'll get through the next 40 days withough dying of starvation. Place your bets.
Every food group has its own version of some sick, disgusting food equivalent. Beef has pink slime and meat glue, chicken has McNuggets and dairy has Cheez Whiz. It's not really something to worry about. Just do as mom did and cut off the bad parts with that are all green, moldy and inedible...and serve it anyway. Nobody will figure it out, because the insepector is screwing the plant manager.
The true test of parenthood is when you fall down in the playground, twist your ankle around to the back of your head, hit the ground in the worst pain you've ever felt shooting up your leg....and you still don't let out a swear word in front of all the children. The good news is that instead of boiling eggs to color for Easter, you can just put your swollen foot full of special colors inside an Easter basket and call it good.
Why waste weeks of your life starving in the jungle on Survivor? Now you can test your mettle by getting dropped off in a rental car in a new city without a working GPS. Or, maybe you get a GPS, but it either overheats, the charger tip breaks off, it shows a picture of you in the middle of the bay while it tells you over and over again to get back on the bridge, or maybe it just goes blank for no reason in the middle of nowhere.
What do you get for two Gay Men that have everything and now have a brand new baby boy? You hop onto Ebay and you get screwed by a buyer advertising two baby boy style teethers, but only sends one...with polka dots. And, you get super screwed by a meth head selling a car seat tightener advertised as brand new, but looks like a child vomited food all over it and then shoved it up the dog's butt. Klassy.
Next time you go for take-out, make sure you check the bag for a red star. The red star doesn't mean you're the most special customer of the day. It means that someone at the restaurant thinks you're a flaming bitch. The red star means that every employee in the restaurant should jizz in your bag, empty out used plates into your food and drop a pubic hair in the bag as they pass by.
Two words sum up the difference between Lesbians and straight women - gift basket. The straight woman's gift basket consists of bath beads, kitchen implements and a sexy apron to wear with nothing else on when your husband gets home. The Lesbian's gift basket has a case of Beers From Around the World and a set of BBQ utensils.
If you're in law enforcement and you're trying to solve a major crime, here's a tip. If the killer uses duct tape, it either a straight woman or a man. Real Lesbians only use zip ties. Don't feel bad...I didn't know that either.
Out of ideas for a great new side dish for your next Super Bowl party? Here's a secret - follow around an 18 month old child, watch the foods they put together and write down all those special recipes. Who can resist blueberry yogurt and black olives. The best part is that there is absolutely no chance of anyone showing up at the same party with your super secret signature dish. Delish.
It's hard to believe that calling someone a douche is a bad thing. If you're a douche you get handled gently by a nice woman, you get inserted snugly inside a warm vagina, and you become all slippery and wet. What's not to like? Oooh...forgot about the part that the reason you're being used is because that vagina smells like the tuna fish you left out for the stray cat last week.
The Internet has afforded humanity so many wonderful conveniences. We can find a restaurant in cities we've never been to before, we can find a date (or an f-buddy) right around the corner or pay all our bills online automatically without ever buying a stamp. It's all good until nobody knows you've been dead for the last six years because all your bills are setup on auto-pay.
When the DMV says online that the wait is only twenty minutes, what they mean is that it will take twenty minutes for you to reach the front door so that you can take a number and wait in a line that will take another three hours. Good thing they don't charge for parking.
Now that Gay marriage is legal in more than half the states in the U.S. we no longer have to worry about young Lesbians bringing the U-Haul to the second date. Now we have to worry about the long waiting list at the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas and the scarcity of wedding cakes all over the country. At least the wedding flowers can be recycled, since the divorces will be happening before the flowers lose their scent.
Chalk one up for the Girl Scouts and their entrepreneurial spirit. Instead of trying to hawk cookies outside the grocery store where someone has just purchased two boxes of the generic cookies that were on sale for 99 cents, they decided to take their business right to where their customers are. The Girl Scouts have set up shop right outside the pot store, and sales have never been better.
Now that football is over for the season, Lesbians hardly know what to do with themselves on a Sunday afternoon. Well, we have the solution. It's called Lesbian Grocery Store Sunday. Instead of trolling the online dating forums, simply don your best looking pair of sweats and head to the grocery store. Find a hot chick, check out her cart to see if you're compatible, and she could be moving in with you by next weekend.
You can brag about the length. You can take pride in the girth. You can brag all you want about how you know how to use that thing to its maximum advantage. You might even think you're awesome because you have two. Well, you've got nothing on us Lesbians. Each Lesbian has an average of 3.5 in a drawer next to their beds...and they never go limp.
There's a reason the human brain chooses to repress certain memories. It's a protective mechanism so that you can live with yourself and the people around you by conveniently forgetting the most traumatic memories of your life. Not just any memories, but the kind of memories where your mother walks in on you and your iPad while you're sitting on the toilet taking a crap.
Bigfoot used to be no big deal, but once there was a $10 million Bigfoot challenge...now it's on. For $10 million you're ready to have Bigfoot's baby, and you'll go down on Mrs. Bigfoot just to make sure you clinch the deal. Who cares if she hasn't shaved that bush in the last two decades? For $10 million...it's all worth it.
Fund-raisers are a dime a dozen these days. Everyone is riding their bike, running a marathon or dancing all night long to raise money for one charity or another. If your friends are suffering from fund-raising fatigue and they don't want to donate money for another cause, it's time to big out the big guns. Invite them to an event where women are removing their clothes and dancing on poles, and you'll be able to meet your fund-raising goal in one hour or less.
If you're going to throw a loud party that lasts all night long you want to make sure nobody in the neighborhood spoils your fun by calling the cops. Don't take any chances. All you have to do is to bring the Grilled Cheese truck and invite a couple of token Lesbians to your party. If you don't know any token Lesbians just contact us. We'll hook you up. Don't forget the tater tots.
If you want to avoid the flu this season you can install hand sanitizer stations in every room in your house, you can carry anti-bacterial wipes with you everywhere you go, and you can choose only to give fist bumps instead of handshakes or hugs. Or, you can simply get a flu shot and stop whining.
As you get older and start losing your vision, it doesn't become any less important to continue keeping up with good vag-scaping habits. Just because you can't see your bush, doesn't mean it doesn't require some regular grooming and upkeep. You can go out and get yourself a good bush-trimmer with all the accoutrements...or you can take your chances with some unscrupulous young lady from Craig's List. Just don't be surprised if she carves a pentagram in your bush and dyes it blue.
