When we invite them into our homes, our dogs become part of our family. Or, maybe we really become part of their pack. They share their lives with us, they show us unconditional love and they are loyal to the end. So, when a dog passes over we feel that we've lost a little piece of ourselves in the process. Not so for cats....just kidding, Lesbians!
Sometimes you just want to kick back and enjoy a good movie. You want to sit in the movie theater, relax and enjoy some passive entertainment. It's all good until you realize the move is subtitled and you have to work at reading the movie instead of watching it. If I wanted to read the book...I would have stayed at home. Then the sex scene starts...
Family traditions are a beautiful part of celebrating the holidays. These are the moments that create memories that will live on forever as part of your family heritage. The only reason that family traditions carry on is because the holidays come around only once a year. It takes an entire year to recover from the shock, the anger and the stress that occurs when all the carefully laid plans breakdown, somebody gets pissed off, somebody has a meltdown, and more than one person winds up needing a ...
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it's time to kick off the holiday season in style. It's time to sit in front of your computer to type that annual holiday letter to all your friends, family and people you care about to tell them what you've been up to all year long. Of course if you really gave a shit about them you might have actually picked up the phone once or twice throughout the year instead of contacting them once a year with some ridiculous form letter that nobody wants to read ...
Mommy and Me classes used to be a nice safe place to bring your babies and toddlers. You could relax in the company of other moms and their kids while you learned new things about having children and raising a family. It was a protected space where you knew nothing would go wrong and you would have to worry about anything. And then one day...the Lesbian showed up.
There really is a place where it doesn't matter which ethnic background you come from, which religion you are, your gender or your sexual orientation. Try calling a government office to make an appointment and everyone from any walk of life will suffer equally. You'll be stuck in a voice telephone system that's impossible to navigate and then after waiting on hold for hours, you'll be disconnected as soon as someone comes on the line. Equality for all.
Lesson learned. Buy American and you won't have to worry about importing all kinds of foreign bugs and larva that will burrow into your skin and erupt with millions of babies that you now have to raise and take care of as your own. One baby is just plenty.
When the Gaybee of the neighborhood wants to go trick or treating on Halloween, the neighbors better not have anything to say about the Gaybee coming to their door twice for candy. Not unless they want the Lesbian Mom to pull out a can of Dyke-Ass on them. And...nobody better have anything to say about Superman wearing a diaper.
Pedophiles have become very clever in the means they use to try and lure kids away. That's why it's important for your kids to have a safe word they can use with a stranger that approaches to offer them a ride or some candy. The only parents that don't need to worry when a stranger comes up to their kid and says, "Your mom asked me to pick you up from school today" is the kid with two Gay Dads.
It's not that Lesbians don't like Martha Stewart. We enjoy a nice afternoon of crafting as much as the straight girls next door. It's just that "crafting" for Lesbians includes putting up shelves, building a new addition on the house, and installing a pergola and a fire pit in the backyard. "Dykes on a Dyme" will show you how at: youtube.com/dykesonadyme.
Smart phones in the hands of stupid people - it's either an oxymoron or just a really bad idea. Before anyone is allowed to leave the Verizon store with a new phone they should be forced to take an IQ test and then be mandated to download, and register for, the Common Sense App. If you refuse to take the test, then you get a Blackberry instead.
Conventional wisdom says that you should never pay for your whores with your credit card. Not only does it leave a tell-tale paper trail, but you also run the risk of your wife finding out about all your extracurricular activities. Then again, you're missing all those frequent flyer miles and rewards points you could be accruing with all those expensive purchases. It might be a worthwhile trade-off.
One of the most altruistic gestures a human being can do is to donate their organs to another person when they die. Why should fake boobs be any different? There must be some needy, flat-chested young lady that can't afford fake boobs by herself. You could change her life forever by allowing her to take over your boobs once you're gone. Besides, the coffin isn't going to close if you leave them in.
The Affordable Care Act is a wonderful thing. No longer do you have to walk around with a mole the size of a quarter on your face, just waiting for it to turn into a cancerous mass. Instead you can choose to groom the hairs coming out the mole and style it in the theme of the nearest holiday. Who doesn't look good with mole hairs dyed green for St. Patty's Day?
When you were a little child your parents thought your were The Gift. You were the perfect child, you could do no wrong and you could get away with anything. Now that the Grandkid has come along, you've been regifted. The only reason you're invited on family vacations now is so that you can bring the New Gift...and to do the cooking.
Being a parent is like being abducted by aliens. You have lapses of time that you just can't account for and you're not at all sure what's happened during that time. One minute you were all packed and ready to to go somewhere, and the next thing you know it's an hour later and the baby has vomited all over himself while you're on the freeway in rush hour traffic in the car pool lane. You don't really have an explanation for all the lost time, but you can't guarantee you weren't anal probed eithe...
Cigarettes are not addictive. Tell that to you mother who is recovering from nose reconstruction surgery and needs a cigarette so bad that she tapes her glasses to her forehead and drives her car to the farthest 7-11 she can find so that she can pick up a pack of cigarettes without any of the regulars at the store seeing her with raccoon eyes.
Just as Batman has a Batmobile, MILF's need to have a MILF mobile. The only problem is that MILF mobile has to go when the kids come along...unless you have a few hot au pairs that drive your kids around in the Range Rover with the car seats while you head down to West Hollywood in your convertible. All this happens while the wife is at work...of course.
It might be worth it to go to a restaurant you're not terribly fond of to each cubed meats and vegetables if you were able to grill your wife's friend about her sex life when she was married to a Gay man. Hell, it might even be worth paying for the whole dinner. Suddenly, iceberg lettuce with strange orange salad dressing got a whole lot more interesting.
If you want to take your baby to Hooters to celebrate Mother's Day just because they have $10 off Mom's meal when you bring your children...that's on you. It's probably safe to say that the church ladies in the mall parking lot with Grandma, the Mom and the 4 month old baby probably don't care that they can save $10 when the scantily clad girls in underwear and tank tops serve them sliders with blue cheese. You'll probably get what you deserve for that transgression anyway.
It's important to be a good role model for our kids and to help our community. When someone needs a helping hand, it's an opportunity to set a good example by doing whatever you can to reach out and help. It's in that spirit that we're gathering friends and family together to help us send 100 cases of Clorox Urine Cleaner to Connecticut to help clean up the hundreds of jugs of urine that the State doesn't know what to do with.
There's nothing like some comfort food to make you feel all warm and happy inside. Fresh out of the oven chocolate cookies, a steaming plate of homemade macaroni and cheese or a piping hot chicken pot pie. It seems almost impossible to screw that up, unless you decided to use the generic, dented can of vegetables with botulism oozing out, topped it off with a cup of black pepper, and then served it all wrapped up in a frozen Pillsbury croissant the size of a football. Delicious.
Everyone has price. So what if you have to walk around on a disabled cruise ship for a week with feces up to your ankles and no chance of getting soft-serve ice cream 'round the clock for the entire week. Throw in a good, heavy period with no tampons or pads, so that you have to walk around wearing a red bag like a diaper all week. Give me two or three free cruises plus $500 and we'll call it even. But...I am going to need a balcony upgrade.
When living without sleep becomes a way of life you get used to. When you can get up 5 times in the middle of the night and learn how to go right back to sleep. When you can run the gauntlet of children's toys in the middle of the living room without twisting an ankle. And, when you can start to imagine your wife as the hot au pair sleeping next to you in the bed at night...that's when you realize it's official. The tiny little baby you brought home 7 months ago is now officially your legally ad...
A Super Wife is not your ordinary wife. This is one that still takes you out for a romantic Valentine's Day affair, even after 14 years. She's the one that takes you to that special restaurant at the strip mall where you play a sexy game of "spot the Dyke"...just like when you first met. Next time, Ladies, don't make it so easy by putting a "Yes I Am" license plate frame on your car.
Four more states that now allow Gay marriage, the first out Lesbian Senator, a President of the United States acknowledges Gay history for the very first time, and we have two challenges headed to the Supreme Court regarding DOMA and Gay marriage. A couple of months in, and 2013 is already a great year. Of course, Ethan won't be happy until his moms can be legally married in every state in the US...and he is going to let everyone know that he is not happy until that happens.
Groupon is great for a lot of things. You can get great discounts on a dinner for two, a relaxing massage or a fishing trip with friends. What you never want to buy on Groupon is the offer to buy one plastic surgery and get one free...unless you want to have two soup bowls implanted in your butt cheeks. Sexy.
If you walked up to a straight woman with a baby before you had a baby of your own, you would just be seen as a creepy Dyke trying to hit on a straight woman. Once you have a baby of your own, however, all the tables turn. Now you're a thoughtful mother who is interested in swapping baby secrets with someone else from the in-crowd...even if you spend the entire time staring at her cleavage.
These days it's just too dangerous to play the lottery and win. Friends and family drain your bank account, a new girlfriend moves in and suddenly you end up missing, or they find your dead body in a lake a few days after you collect your big check. It's much easier to get ripped off and lose all your money the old fashioned way. Let the tweaker move in, let her slowly drain all your bank accounts and max out your credit cards until you don't have anything left. Once she's done she simply moves ...
The best way to further the acceptance of Gay people in society is simply to be yourself and show people that you're a regular human being just like they are. The more people that know Gay people, the more people will realize being Gay is perfectly normal. Or, you can use the Roxanne method - next time you're in a group of straight people, make sure you put up your guard, decide that they are nasty, uptight human beings before you know anything about them, and then imitate their voice and make f...
