Any good parent wants to make sure that their kid has a positive childhood filled with lots of interesting experiences that they'll remember for the rest of their life. You want to enrich them with educational outings and fun-filled family trips. As you're thinking about where you might go and what you might do with your child, for most parents that might not include a visit to a Hookah bar or teaching them how to light things on fire so that you have a 20-foot bonfire.
Jan 20, 2013•11 min
Straight people have ruined Sesame Street for everyone. Our son's best friend used to be Elmo, but now we have to find him another favorite toy because Elmo turned out to be a pedophile. Cookie Monster promotes childhood obesity, so that's out. Oscar the Grouch is rude and promotes bad manners. Big Bird may actually be the saving grace of Sesame Street, however. If Mit Romney hates Big Bird, then BB is my friend!
Jan 16, 2013•15 min
Somehow the quality of the cleaning job no longer seems to matter once the topless maid service comes over to do a cleaning. You no longer care about the fact that the cobwebs are still hanging from the ceiling, the toilet doesn't look like it's been cleaned in months and the kitchen floor looks like it's been scrubbed with a napkin. Then you realize that they sent over the topless grandma with her pancake tits down to her knees. Now you'll pay extra just so that she doesn't clean topless.
Dec 02, 2012•14 min
Gone are the days when you'd meet someone at a bar, have a few beers and take them home. Now the dating world mostly happens online through dating web sites. That seems like a good way to meet someone until you realize that they're missing a very important check box for the Lesbian profile -- "will U-Haul on the second date". Check.
Nov 25, 2012•21 min
It's important for businesses to market their products directly to the target audience to help increase sales and to become profitable. Take the Wet Lube company for example, they donate free trash cans at Pride events all over the country and also hand out free samples. Now that we have Viagra, however, Wet may be missing a key market segment. It's time to start putting the Wet trash cans at senior retirement communities all over the country now that old people are having sex again. Wear a cond...
Nov 14, 2012•12 min
Congratulations to all the states that have now legalized Gay Marriage. As you bask in the euphoria of this incredible decision it's imperative that we reiterate our warning to all the young Gay couples...especially the overzealous Lesbians. Just because you are allowed to marry, doesn't mean you have to. I know you met her last week and she's the love of your life. Before you say "I do", make sure you've lived through a minimum of twelve menstrual cycles with her...and that's only before you mo...
Nov 11, 2012•15 min
Halloween is the best holiday ever. On what other day can you walk an attractive cop into your house, wearing a smokin' hot, sexy uniform with a super-short skirt, in front of your wife and into your office, where you have a pull-out futon matress...and nobody even thinks twice about it?
Nov 04, 2012•16 min
The truth is finally out about global warming. After all the talk about what's causing global warming, we realize it's not really about car emissions, cutting down the rain forest, or the fact that you refuse to recycle your plastic bottles. The real cause of global warming is all the lazy new Lesbian moms and Gay dads stuffing disposable diapers into landfills all across the country because they don't feel like cleaning out dozens of cloth diapers filled with smelly feces and urine every day.
Oct 31, 2012•12 min
Now that the Lesbians have adopted the cute baby that you don't have to lie about and say, "what soft skin your baby has", or "he has such a pretty eye"...the straight couples are now going to have to choose from the ugly babies that are left. The good news is that the baby with the beer belly and the buck teeth is still available for adoption.
Oct 28, 2012•19 min
So many questions, so little time. But, if there was just one question that absolutely had to be answered, it's this one. If one of the conjoined twins is straight and the other one is Gay, who gets to use the genitals when they're out on a double date? This is not about being politically correct. These are real problems that real people have.
Oct 14, 2012•16 min
We have a new addition to the pack. It's not a gerbil, it's not a puppy, it's not a cat and it's not a baby chimpanzee. The new pack member comes with lots of cool new things to buy, magazines to subscribe to and endless fun for the relatives that can simply walk away when dirty diapers need changing. We may not be sleeping, but we couldn't be happier.
Sep 30, 2012•18 min
All straight men should be required to get a back wax at least once in their life. It's not because they need it and it's not necessarily because back hair is gross. It's more for the amusement of Lesbians and their friends. We're just freaky that way...and we like to watch.
Sep 09, 2012•13 min
Which Lesbian has street smarts? When the zombie dripping with blood comes up to your tent on the beach and tries to get in to eat your brains, is it the Lesbian that tells the zombie to beat it and then goes rights back to sleep? Or, is it the Lesbian that decides she has a 50-50 chance if she jumps out of the tent, runs down the beach and leaves her friend to fend for herself? After all, the zombie can only eat one person at a time.
Sep 06, 2012•13 min
Neighborhood watch doesn't mean that you get together with a few neighbors for a few beers every night and check out all the cute girls and guys in the neighborhood. It also doesn't mean that you stay in the house and peek through the blinds when you hear something strange going on outside. What it does mean is that once trouble starts, you go get the Postal Service Lesbian down the street that can hold her little dog in one hand and kick the crap out of any perp that comes into the neighborhood...
Sep 03, 2012•15 min
It's hard to believe how far technology has advanced, especially in the last few years. Despite all that forward movement, there is still one thing you can count on to stay exactly the same. If you need to mail something at the post office, you may as well hop in your car and drive across town to deliver it yourself. If the package has to go across the country, you may as well just hop on a plane and take it with you. The cost of the parking ticket, the time you'll spend waiting in line, and the...
Aug 25, 2012•9 min
Roxanne is going straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Virginia is going with her as an accomplice. There really isn't anything more to say. At least we now know that hell is located in Van Nuys, California. They might have a cafeteria, or they might have a buffet. Nobody is really sure.
Aug 22, 2012•18 min
We may still be pissed that Womens' Softball is no longer part of the Olympics and that some American dykes were forced to wear a skirt in the Opening Ceremonies, but at least most countries kept to the tradition of wearing skimpy bikinis for Beach Volleyball. Having Brazil host the next summer Olympics is not too bad either. Start stocking up on the razors and Nair now.
Aug 19, 2012•14 min
Everyone likes to have good neighbors that they can rely on when you need a little help. Someone to borrow a cup of sugar from, someone to help cut down tree branches, or just someone to chit chat with while you're out walking the dog in the neighborhood. But, when being a good neighbor means stroking your dog's dick...in some cultures that may be considered crossing a line.
Aug 12, 2012•14 min
It's always nice to have visitors come over and stay for a while...until they start camping out at your house, eating all your food, bugging you to drive them everywhere and practically start moving in. It's times like these that you start to yearn for the good 'ol days when visitors came to you in the middle of the night, they gave you a quick anal probe and then hopped back on their ship in a beam of light never to be seen or heard from again.
Aug 01, 2012•10 min
Your mother brought you up to have good common sense. No matter how much fun someone tells you it will be, and how much it will change your life, you would never walk across burning hot coals in just your bare feet. Of course not. You would, however, do a bungee jump dangling from a rickety crane in a parking lot in Mexico after a few shots of tequila.
Jul 29, 2012•18 min
There should be a general moratorium on when during the year people are allowed to move. During the winter when it's icy and snowing, or when it's the rainy season and wet all the time, those periods of time are off limits for moving. This is simply a public service for all the people that have to come out in inclement weather to help you move...with their high hopes of being able to "stick it in" one day by being a good friend helping you move.
Jul 19, 2012•13 min
You should always strive to your best in everything you do. It's important to give it your all and really put your heart into it to be the best you can be. Once you've blown your wad and put forth your very best effort, even if you didn't come in first you can still feel good about it...until someone tells you that you're second best...out of two.
Jul 11, 2012•10 min
It's not a neuroses, it's a strategy. When you go to the grocery store you have to know how to size up the different checkout lines. You have to be a able to quickly decide which line will move the fastest, which one has the cashier with the most nimble hands, who knows the code for Belgian Endive without looking it up, and which line has the grenade that will pull out 100 coupons and pay in pennies. It may look neurotic to the uneducated... when really it's a finely honed skill that takes years...
Jul 08, 2012•12 min
New trends tend to spring up overnight. Most people are fickle, and they don't stick with any one thing for too long before they start looking for something new and exciting. The one trend you don't want to hear about, however, is that people are starting to eat other people. Can't we just go back to simpler times when the latest trends were hoola-hoops, Squirmles and French Star jeans?
Jul 04, 2012•11 min
If you really want to fight obesity in America, and you're really serious about it, the answer is not to force stores to sell carbonated drinks under 16 ounces in size. The answer is first to shut down all the McDonald's in America, secondly to stop the Little Caesar's two for one pizza deal, and the third is to replace all the Coke and Pepsi on store shelves with look-alike cola that tastes like crap. That will cause all American's to stop drinking soda altogether. It's not a consipiracy...it's...
Jul 01, 2012•11 min
The Glendale police department are out wasting their time giving tickets to cyclists who are just out enjoying a peaceful bike ride while blowing through stop signs. What they should really be doing is something that will keep the streets safe for everyone. How about giving out moving violations to cyclists that really shouldn't be wearing spandex at all. $350 for the spandex muffin top. $500 for wearing the white spandex shorts.
Jun 28, 2012•17 min
Some friends are just your party friends, others are your movie and dinner girlfriends, and still others are just your regular hanging out type of friends. Then there are those friends that you can really count on. Not just the ones that will be there if you need a shoulder to cry on, but instead the type of friends that will not only wipe your vagina, but those that will change a tampon for you. Not just any tampon...but an honest to goodness O.B. without the applicator.
Jun 25, 2012•14 min
Just because the neighbor pretends to be a straight lady living quietly with her husband next door, doesn't mean she doesn't secretly fantasize about going down on your wife. Maybe she lays in bed at night creating elaborate fantasies about how she passive aggressively allows her dog to crap on your lawn so that you'll come out of the house all hot and bothered to yell at her. She'll try to make it up to you by inviting you over to her house for a massage and some girl talk...all before she pull...
Jun 14, 2012•11 min
It's great to be a guy. Whenever you need a little pleasure you can just go to the local public restroom, find a glory hole and stick it right in. Never mind that you don't know who is on the other end, if they have tongue herpes, no teeth, a sharp object or other incurable diseases. You always run the risk of leaving without a body part, but at the end of the day...it's all worth it.
Jun 10, 2012•12 min
These days there are so many ways to pick up women. You can browse the personal ads, go on match.com or even do it the old fashioned way by picking up some drunk chick at a bar. Why would you even think about tossing some chicken bones down on the ground in front of some lady walking her dog just so you can save her dog and be her hero by giving her dog mouth to snout resuscitation? It just seems like so much more work than is really necessary.
Jun 06, 2012•12 min
