RETRO EPISODE No. 12: The Culture of Dating in the Black Community w/Kandis

fun and funny. And this might be one of my favorite episodes ever in the history of Handing My Purse. I've listened to it probably six or seven times because it is hilarious to me. Candice is absolutely in front of the show. She is a friend of mine, She's like my little sister. But this episode is ridiculously funny. We share a lot of information about of pride. We are very transparent, I should say about some of our

experiences with online dating. And I just hope you guys enjoy it as much as we enjoyed recording it during the pandemic. We recorded this in twenty twenty, and when I tell you it's hilarious, if you don't think that this is funny, you might need to check your pulse because it's hilarious. I might I can't wait to listen to it, just for quality assurance, to make sure it sounds good. Excuse some of the sound if it's not that great. I had just started. But I just hope

you guys enjoyed it. It was amazing and I will see you on February the twentieth with a brand new episode of Hammy My Purse.

What's up, friends, and ken, it's MEMI Resident Auntie Supreme here hand me my Purse, and today I am sipping on what's called a craft cocktail. I'm sipping on a drink that my guests today made for us, and she used the Cane Collective Passion through Jalapeno mixer with Tito's vodka and Club soda. Why because life is good and I live a grandiose life full of joy, and because

my friends are bartenders. The dope part about making a drink with a Cane Collective mixer is that you get the experience of having a fresh, fancy, what's called a craft cocktail right in your own home. Like you don't have to go to a posh restaurant or like a totally expensive bar. You can have it right at home. So that is what we're sipping on today. And I'm going to tell you more about Kine Collective later on

in the show. So, guys, today's show, I'm sure if you ever read the title, is about the culture of dating and black community. And it's only in the black community because I'm black. I'm a part of the black community. So that's what I know about. I am speaking, of course, from personal experience, and my guest is also black, so that's her perspective as well. For today's show, I could have gone with so many songs, because there are so many songs about dating and love and all that stuff.

But this song takes me back to my childhood and it reminds me of singing with my mother, and I remember my mother had this boyfriend, his name was Frank, and Frank's niece, I think, used to sing this song and she used to mess the words up, and my mother and I would always laugh at the fact that she couldn't get the words right, even though she was like a little girl. Not laugh at her in like a mean girl way, but it just tickled us. We thought it was so funny. So I chose this song

because it hits me in a nostalgic place. It makes me happy, and it's the perfect song. And the cover that I found is actually stupid amazing, And the reason that I like it so much. I love when people do covers of song and they take it and make it their own. Case. In point, tonight, somebody sent me a country rendition of the song Wop by Cardi B and Megan thee Stallion, and I gotta say it wasn't appropriation ish at all. She nailed it. It was super creative.

It was dope. I really really liked it. If you can find it, check it out. I'm not gonna post it anywhere, but it was pretty awesome. And so the reason that I like the cover of this song, which is What's Love, got to do with It by Tina Turner, the young lady who did the cover. Her name is I don't know if it's Shana. Here we go. You know how I roll like when it comes to people's names. You know, I don't know if I'm saying it right.

And it's not even that this is a hard name to say, but this name can be said so many different ways. So I don't know if it's Shana Tucker or SHAWNA Tucker, but either way, I'm gonna go with I think it's Shanea. Either way, Miss Tucker slays the cover of this It's very jazzy. It has such a good feel. It sounds like something that you would hear at like a jazz festival or wine festival while you're sipping on your breasling or whatever people drink at wine festivals.

I've never been to one. I'm not really interested in going. Nanny and I love wine, but check it out because she kills it. So here is What's Love? Got to Do with It by Tina Turner and it's being covered by Shana Tucker and get into it because it's pretty dope. You know the covers I find, sometimes it's hit or miss. Sometimes they are really really good and sometimes they are not really really good. Notice I didn't say bad because I'm a positive person. But this time I have to

say I found a winner. Check it out. Is her name Bobby, there's a freeze that ba what whatever the reason? Do it for me? Puss got to Do It is pus what a second daddy motion? Puss up Got do? Got to Do It is by Hart and hertn be broken. Now let's get into the show. Yeah, all right, friends and ken. So today on the show, I have my good friend Candace Kandas and I have been friends for several years. We lost count because we can't really figure out when we met. We know we met at a

mutual friend, our friend Aaron's house. We don't remember if it was for the super Bowl or if it was for a New Year's Eve party. Aaron probably remembers, she definitely remembers, and I don't know when, but when we met, it was like instant friendship. It was like we have been friends since we were little kids, and she is like my little sister. And I want you to say hello to my folks. Can what's up y'all? Wasn't it? It's fine, It's fine. What's up y'all? So today we

are going to be talking about dating. And this is actually the start of a three maybe even a four part series that I'm going to do on the culture of dating in the Black community specifically, but just the culture of dating period. But of course everything I do is it kind of perchangs to the black community because well,

were black. So today we're going to talk a little bit about our experiences online date, with online dating and in true handing my first form and or a fashion, I did a survey and a poll because I like to keep you all involved in what I do. I like to be interactive, and I ask folks some questions about their online dating experiences. I'm going to share that with you guys. But we're going to talk about some of our experiences. First. First, let's just define what online

dating is. Online dating is what in the world is that meeting somebody online and starting to date them. It doesn't have to be necessarily in an app right. It could be on Facebook, it could be on Twitter, it could be on Instagram, it could be what am I missing? Yes, I don't know. I think kids are because they're nasty and sneaky, but I don't know if actually you know what's interesting. There's this guy. I've been on two dates with him. I think I met him on Plenty of Fish.

I'm not gonna say his name. It doesn't matter because he doesn't listen to my podcast. I met him on Plenty of Fish in probably twenty fourteen. Okay, we've been on two dates. So that just goes to show that there's not really much happening over there. Right. He sends me these videos of him, like singing R and B songs in the shower, and I'm I'm almost positive that he doesn't only send them to me. So if you know him and he sends them to you, I hit my damn so we can figure out what can he say?

He lip sings them, and he doesn't like show any of his you know, nasty parts. He doesn't show his bits, you know, but he's like soaping it up and sending it and like at first when he first started doing it, like when he first started doing it like it was like funny, right, and it was cute? Is this this is all solicit? It's gotta be Oh, it's I do you? I mean like we've been friends for a while. Do

you tag me as the kind of ship? How would you like ask hey, send me a video of you soaping it, soaping it up and singing usher in the shower? I know I don't. First of all, he's lip taking it back to the lips. How would he so I didn't have vocals. No, he can't even sing. I don't know if he can sing, and if I could be really honest, I don't really give a shit if he can sing, because the funniest part is that what happened.

He's still doing it and it's twenty twenty, and I know he started it in like twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen with the sending the shower videos. This is his niche though, This is his niche, This is his thing, and he should probably start an only fans. Oh you don't know what OnlyFans is, Candae And I was talking about that earlier. I don't google it because I'm not really I'm here to tell you guys about that. I just know that you know it's a way that people are making money.

So can this have you I already know the answer to this. But you have dated online before? I have for how many years? Like? Have you done it off and on? I know I'm deep in this game since. Yeah, I've been around. I think I think I did it for the first time was two thousand. Actually, the first time I joined an online dating site was like twenty twelve. But if we're considering Twitter and all of that stuff, sure, yeah,

assists been in the game since like twenty ten. Yeah, so I will say that Twitter and Facebook and all that has the uses have changed right over the years. Initially it probably wasn't for dating. That wasn't my thing about that, But I mean I was sorry with Black Planet. I messed a buy from Black Planet that was probably like I don't know where they're black? What are they white? And sixty five? I was out here for the risk? Was in the long time, right right? She said? I was

out here for the risk. I don't know, And you know what's crazy, I so want a girlfriend about it. I was on AO while in chat rooms when I was like fourteen. I was never meet anybody, but I definitely had a boyfriend. Our song was Jagged Edge, Let's get Rided, And we used to talk every day at the school at a certain time. That's cute. And he probably wasn't even black and fourteen too, he could have been Asian and seventy. I don't you didn't know. I

didn't don't know. No, Well, that's the kind of risky one with like chatroo. But she weren't meeting anybody. No, but you know what, I will say, with you not meeting him, that is kind of safe. That's for teenagers, not these teams really weird grown. I wasn't growing at fourteen. Yeah, these teenagers banging glasses. Yeah, No, I was wearing which is cool. Wait no, no, no, hold on, She says she was wearing fooboo when you were fourteen?

to edit that out because it's okay. Yeah, because the boy is a fun boy and it is what it is. It kind of is, yeah, And I mean we can't really speak to you know, because I don't want men saying like, oh, I don't do a lot of male bashing on the show. It's not my ministry. I love black men. I think black men are kings. They are the original kings. But sometimes they be on some bullshit, like straight up, and so do black women. Like let's

just keep it a stick. Black women are on bullshit too, and people are going to say, well, everybody's on bullshit. I don't really care about everybody else. I'm talking about black women and black men right now. Of course, there are white men and Latino men and Latino women and white women and Asian Okay, but I'm not talking about

them right now. Oh man. So I do know. I was a freelance makeup artist and I traveled a lot to New York and there were a lot of guys that through circles of my friends, like, I would meet people and you know, they would be creatives or artists too, and you know, they would follow me on Twitter and they would be like, oh, you're really talented, and then it would just go from there. So I dated a lot of photographers. I dated a lot of photographers like a man with a vision, yeah right, and a camera

and a heavy camera bag and no money. Okay. I don't think I got on an actual site like a dating site until like twenty twelve and my godsister was already in it. She was already doing it suit tradition. Yes, she eased me in to the game, and I got started in twenty twelve and I hit the ground running and I had a good time. I think mine might have been maybe twenty thirteen. Okay, definitely started on match. Met some cool people. Black guys were a match, yes, ma'am. Oh, okay, listen,

I don't care what nobody say. People are searching for love time. It's just easy to pick up your phone and have a conversation. It's easy to you know, correspond and meet people from your phone. You don't have to go anywhere. Everything I spent no money. You can do you some some weeding out if you will. It's online is a great way to vet people. People always say. I hate when people say, oh, I don't date online

because it's weird and it's so many weirdos online. It's weird those in the grocery store, because it ain't madam, Hey, it's weird those at church. It's weird those at the airport. It's weirdos in the mall. Like crazy people gonna be crazy. Dad, It's not only crazy people online. You know, I can understand where people say, you know, it's a little easier when you're online because you can pretend to be somebody else. But think about everybody, stopped for five seconds, take a

pause for the cause. Think about somebody that you have dated that sent their representative and not their true self. Did you meet them online? Or did you meet them at your sister's house when y'all was playing taboo? Thank you sis, exactly, Thank you bro. You met them at somebody's house, You met them in the grocery store. Everybody has met somebody who was faking it and playing the whole game with you that you did not meet online. Now, don't get me wrong, You're gonna meet a whole lot

of people what you always love it? Okay, you know what, It's time for stories, So let's just stop right hand. Kansas's story is so funny that I laughed for like twenty minutes after we talked about it. You can't make it out, no, So I okay, So after I got off a match, I'm not I'm no longer paying for it, Okay, right, yeah, because you just reached this point where you're like, I'm kind of good. Yeah, I'm kind of good.

they are now, so you don't have filters on them. Guys, you know, their angle is terrible, terrible, terrible. So anyway, this guy had a decent amount of pictures. It wasn't just one. He had a couple of pictures. Right, So I'm going through. I'm like, hey, I'm decent looking right, regular everything in this right place and spot. So we have a little conversation, easy conversation, cool conversation, right, just a couple back and forth, you know whatever. I like to get that out the way.

So I'm like whatever, I brush it off and keep hopping into the place. So he's there sunglasses on and all. For second, lady, if you don't know, that is a violation of Like I don't know if I've talked about this on the show before, but I don't trust people who wear sunglasses indoors. It's pointless, Like what are you doing?

looking for? I don't know because I'm a little tipsy. Thanks to Cane's Collective. Shout out to Kane's Collective. Shout out to you Aaron for this. This is a mini ad. Do you like do you like alcoholic beverages? Do you like grown up beverages? We'll try Canes Collective's Passion fruit jalapeno mixer with Tito's vodka and a slash of club soda. Why because it's delicious.

see your face. She's touching my shoulder right now to try to come for me as she lasts, but she sees my face because it's not funny. It scared me. That's a dating requirement. Yeah, see period two fronts? Are they not the main ones? That's almost like, oh, I want a woman with a flat stomach and a big butt and a small waist and big breasts, and so she needs to be a dime and a dime piece. We don't show up and say do you have your

two front teeth. We don't show up and say you need to have a flat stomach, and we definitely I ain't even gonna go here too much, okay, but we definitely don't say could you please have a penis over the size of a gurkin? Okay? Or a small flastic pickle and a jar. We don't do that. We accept

you as you are. Okay. Some women might complain about your finances, but that does not give you the right to say that we have to be a certain size or that you know our breasts have to be a certain size because you are stepping on the scene with a sweet girkin pickle penis and no front teeth, Like, how dare you so? For me? I'm not going to tell the one about the guy that I dated from Southeast DC. He ended up being my boyfriend and we were we dated for like we were in a relationship.

I was monogamous. I don't know if he was, but for about three or four months. But I'm not going to talk about that story. There was this guy, his name is Frank. Okay, So I dated this guy named Frank, and Frank was short. I've dated a couple of short guys because short guys like big ladies. This this guy was little. He was short, and I don't really know why I dated him because I was just having a good time and he contacts my short He was probably like in person, he was probably five four, but on

his profile he said he was five to seven. Yeah, so that's another thing I get back to that. Yeah, lying lying about your height, because guys will lie about their height everybody. Yeah, so he showed up. He said he was five to seven. I'm about five six. So he showed up. He said it without seven, yeah, with no heels, right, and so I'm like, okay, he's five to seven. He gets there, he's got to be at least five four. He has locks. I don't really like

men with long hair. It's just my preference. There's nothing wrong with men with long hair. I just don't like it. He had locks, he's short, and okay, it's fine. So we go out. We have a good time. You know, it was fun or whatever. And so this is around Christmas time and he tells me this is about a month in Like we're talking. We may have gone out like two times. Because I don't really want to be seen in public with him, forgive me lord, but because

he's small, he's really smart. You're still dating him. Yeah, we're not, well if we're really dating him, but we're just Yeah, but you wanted to content you con went on a second. I mean it was just something to do. Yeah, so that was really my Most of my online dating life was something to do. Okay, I get married. You were looking for a husband. Oh, I found my I thought I found him. That's a different story. But we're not going there because that's the dark is. We're going

to go to a dark place. I don't want to do that. It's tender. It's still a drink. Your drink, but okay, drink, you drink. So we go out. You know, we're having a good time. We're cool or whatever. And it's Christmas time and he's like, oh, I want to get my son. He had a son. I want to get him as Christmas gifts. Oh, but I don't get paid to a certain times. Do you think you can loan me some money? Let me tell you something about me to bring me my money. I will loan the

people that I love money. I don't expect to get it back because I just don't give money expecting to get right he asked me for like three hundred dollars. Stop. I said, I ain't gonna be able to do that. But where did you own that? Though? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, no no no. I said, at the most I can give you like seventy five dollars because it's pretty jo. That was nice, but it was Christmas time and all I could think of was his kid, right that I

didn't even know. But this is just me being kind. Your heart is beautiful. Yeah, if no one's told you today, thank you. I appreciate you, sis, thank you for seeing me. So I give this Bama seventy five dollars and he's like, oh, I'm gonna give it back to you on Monday. This was probably like a Thursday. I don't bring it up again because I know I'm not gonna get it back.

He never gave you my money. And then finally I think around after Christmas, like around New Year's Eve, New Year's I was like, do you plan on giving me my money back? Because at this time I'm still a freelance makeup artist, so I'm not really making a lot of money. Sisney's are coins? Okay, you could have been the president of apple. Yeah, see job right. May he rest in peace? You need your coin? Yeah, you did

a good thing. Yes I did. And you know, he was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna bring it, bring it, bring and bring bring. Needs to say, I never got my seventy five dollars back, and it's okay because God has blessed me since then. Not necessarily in the dating department, but he has definitely blessed me. And I'm grateful. And I hope that his child had a happy merry Christmas. But I will never loan a man money ever again.

Oh okay, yeah, no, hmm, what if it is your man? Well, my man is different, okay, yeah, but I'm still not gonna give him. A lot A lot of got burned from over the seventy five. Yeah, but you know that happens to a lot of women too. I have a friend. A guy got her for like four hundred and fifty dollars. Yeah, crazy burn more than that, No, it was three hundred. But what's crazy is he was my man. He had lost his job, right, So I know how that looks, right,

it's projected out of his pours, right. He down hard time with they really do? He told me he needed some money to make ends meet, and as his girl, I felt like, if I can help, I will. Even if I wasn't his girl, I think I would. If I can help, I will, right, absolutely, So it was a Thursday situation, Thursday month situation. I'll get it back on my day. So I got it back on Monday. Oh so I'm like we could I got it back just how I came to him all the twenties, appreciate

your brother, right cool? So that time what I noticed was he he asked if I could help. Right, Another time came so still no job bills are still stacking right down stop. I got offered. No hell noy, I offered, and I ain't never get it back. Well, that's because you offered. But I offered under the pretenses that I would be getting it back. And I only offered because I knew he was a good steward of my money.

chosen to be my man. That was probably well.

I ain't gonna say no names by who it was, but it was somebody I don't seen them do it, and they are much older than me, and they may or may not be related to me. Right, I'll say this, It has taught me to be more selective about my man. Yeah, the man that I share space with that have access to me. I'm actually talking to my therapist about that, about how I choose and how I select who has access and who I choose to be available to, which

to me ties into the culture of dating. I think that, you know, everything is so fast now, you know, dating is not If you look at dating when like our grandparents were dating, it's very different. You know, you come over to the house, you talk to the father or the older brothers or the uncle, and you get clearance or permission to take this young lady on a date. And if they don't want you to date her, you don't and that's it. And she might sneak out. But

ultimately you still have to go through that. There's nobody that you have to go through to get clearance now, so nobody says you have permission, Like there's nobody to say you meet the standards, right, And I kind of feel like, you know, the standards are kind of gone because I know I don't dated some people who were not worthy enough to smell my feet after walking through horse manure that could have got went left, but it was only because she was making weird faces. I was like, oh, wait,

I didn't know you were going to meet me. Slow down, I don't know. Yeah, I know I didn't either, But you know what, you can attempt to meet people three people right. Social media helps you see who you have in common, people you might know in common. Do your research, you know, Maryland ksearch is always available all right, just to see what's going on there. But I think it's

also important to bet do your due diligence right. And now we have to create our own standards, so we don't have the dads and the males maybe to you know, for that extra step or protection or whatever. But as women think it's important to have our own standards, and I think we should do it for each other. How would that look? You asked me or I ask you?

Or why don't you meet him? I want you to meet him and just kind of feel his energy out because I know him already, or you know me already and we're supposed to be going out, or like meet us somewhere, or you and your dude meet us somewhere, or let's go on a group thing or I don't know, it's just something to throw out. I just think that that is a missing piece. And that's not to say that that's going to make anything any better, Like so

I don't I don't know. I'm just saying, like the culture of dating has changed so much, and I think a lot of it has to do with technology, social media, like this instant you can Yeah, if I want to go on a date, like right now, I can make that happen.

and he did it too, and I was like nasty. Yeah, but I feel like grinder might just be for right. It's just so if I wanted a date. People say, po just for sex. Well, I'm not gonna comment. I was on he probably maybe one. I dated a lot of guys I dated, not just if we had a boyfriend that I met.

Trinny dread from San Fernando, Trinidad. That's what's says. I used Bumble. It was fun. Then I thought I found the one. Turns out it was his representative. We were just talking about that. The real man has too much issues. He didn't need me, he needed a therapist and I have the wrong degree. Well I understand that. Sys, Yeah, I figure that out. Let me tell you something. I'm not even going to get into that because I'm not telling them all my business, but I understand that.

So sites like tender Bumble, Hinge Black you both have this wipe right, then you can start the conversation the difference. I'm just that way too. I mentioned that like last episode because I'm thinking about doing that. I definitely so you should go in with yes, try it, try it out.

Hinge is like the upper echelon and the reason that I'm interested in Hinge because Hinge it's said that it's the last dating app that you should use because people there are really into relationships or finding like a RUSSI. So this is the one thing I don't know to be true because I don't pay for the apps anymore. Right, the people that I see, so this is I'm not sure, assuming maybe it's rumor the people that I see are also the people that are down for the free for

the free ninety nine. But if you were to pay, it opens you up to a different echelon of people. Oh right, I'm not privy to them because I don't pay right, so we on the same level. So maybe so maybe there's some like more serious men, or you know, if you did pay for the one month or you know whatever. I'm not sure. I'm not gonna find out. I don't know. Bumble, though bumbo is the same as tender.

You both as white right to begin a conversation. But a woman has to initiate this conversation within twenty four hours. I love that. But a man can extend her time, right, So let's say twenty four hours good bye. I was working, I was busy. I don't know. I don't you know, as I could. They want to get there, right, Some men have extended my time to give you a little more grease, right to still be able to send them a message. Once a time lapses, it's a rep you

gotta rematch with them, right. So people do like bumble women, especially because they have the ability to initiate. However, some women feel like a man should lead the show, whatever

that means. But I think bumble, if I'm not mistaken, I've read that they do that so that women can feel safe, which is what I liked, So that women can feel like they're in control, because sometimes on these dating apps, like men are out of control and they're saying while well, while relentless stuff, and I mean it may not be for women like us who men would probably get the idea to not say something because it's not going to be in your best interest to talk

sideways to me because I'm gonna come right back with something worse. But they don't know what to the pictures, right, So let's just say we match. I in initially a conversation, first, only got I only got a one liner. Everybody gets it. It ain't special. Everybody get the same thing. They gets it. He has like a recipe something said, everybody gets it. Hey, hand say hands on. That's it. That's all I got.

make it cold stuff. I would always get stuff related to my size, like big sexy. Don't fucking call me. Excuse my language. Who's calling people big sexy in twenty twenty? Also like, hey chocolate. Yeah, like I know I'm big, I know I'm sexy. That doesn't mean you use it as a company. What are you like even talking about it? Do you can't figure out anything? Like anything better? And the worst part about it is your pictures were crystal clear, your seat was double breasted, Like what why would you

need to say sexy chocolate? But I think part of my issue around the culture of dating now is that people are not And I can only speak for men because I date men, but like, I just feel like men are like lacking in their effort. Oh I think they just pull out anything out of their lint filled pocket. Who it's ours because we accept it, like we got to have accountable No, we just we want a man so bad or you know, we.

I was. I was a roach. And it made me feel like it hit me in my chest like damn, Like I felt like that, and that don't even move me no more, Like you can't hit me at night because I'm sleep.

He talking about women, he's talking about us, he is, or like to fill voids or keep you around till you actually find someone who matters. Then they mad blah. All right, James, you know, whoever hurt you, I'm sorry, but you're probably a nice guy. Thomas McGee says that I haven't had much luck with sites like tender pof or et cetera. But I've racked up, he said, racked up, racked them, and I've racked up the girl. He racked up in Facebook singles groups. I probably met him in

a Facebook sing So that's a thing. Oh no, it is right, it's a thing thing they have so Facebook the groups are popping. Oh listen, I'm not in.

looked at for a job. But it gives the opportunity to actually interact around topics and learn the person before deciding to express interest and DM slide sliding into them dms. That's the thing. So you know what, what I'm finding that men are paying attention to women's presence right, how they present themselves on social media, because this is kind of the thing that we're doing. Hence why my Instagram

account is public. Why. So I was listening to a live situation about dating during the quarantine, right, and this woman said, you know, make space for your husband before you have one, and I'm like, what that fun? Rights? Sometimes so deep, I don't they do they do?

You send me swang and that should have been the song day. But back to this strategy around the right. So one of her things was making space for your husband where he gets there. So as far as the clause it goes, I'm gonna beat you all that. Yeah, So I think in my heart, maybe cleaning out my baggage emotionally, right, I think that's a space. I think

that's the best place to start. I think that part of the issue is and I've been talking to my therapist, shout out to my therapist, doctor D. I think that it is important to take care of self first because the reality is that so many of us, especially let me hold on, let's just get deep, let me put my glass when it comes to Black people and relationship, right, And I don't care if you are in a homosexual relationship,

if you are bisexual, LGBTQ, heterosexual, whatever. Black people in relation or when it comes to connection, there is an issue. There's an issue there because we have been taught in condition for years, for hundreds of years, to hate who we are. If we hate who we are on an individual level, of course, we're gonna hate who we are holistically or as a unit. Right. So the conditioning behind that, and the mental health baggage and the complexity behind that

needs to be healed. Whether people want to talk about it or not, sure think about it when you hear those rap songs where people are talking about I think low Wayne has I don't even really says they talk about red bones, they talk about yellow bones, or they may talk about dark skin systems only. And I think that at the end of the day, like why are we I mean, preference is fine because I got mine, you know, but I don't need to wear it on

a T shirt, you know what I mean. I think that we have to heal so many things within our community before we are able to really unconditionally love one another. And I think that that starts with self, which is why I constantly preach self healing, self care, self And it ain't selfish, it's self preservation. You have to take care of yourself first, because you are of no use to anybody if you are all rotten on the inside. And what's happening is people are showing up rotten.

front of their priorities. You're not getting their cis, You're not getting there bruh, Right, And the problem is on women. So I started seeing that even happen. But women are putting needs and wants and whatever, but for her own well.

I think that's also social conditioning, because I think that that is something that has been going on for years, Whereas I always thought that or you know, we've always been taught that it should be that the man takes care of the household and he takes care of the family. And I'm all about breaking like traditional norms and like like cultural norms, but like, when is there a balance in the relationship. I can't put you first all the time, you can't put me first all the time. There has

to be a dance. And I think that what is happening a lot of times in black relationships is that the dance is not balanced because there's no conversation or if we're talking, we are talking past one another.

a misunderstanding we see contacts and glasses. So now we've reset. But look how beautiful that is though, right, and it's so small, but it's big, but it's really big. And you have established, you know, your own form of communication. Right. If everybody, if all relationships, even friendships, even familiar relationships stop and took the time to break that kind of stuff down, we will break so many barriers. And for me,

that goes beyond communication. It goes back to like understanding and know what the willingness to want to yes to want to understand because now that I understand you, I understand how to communicate with you. Now we have this little joke. So now when it's about to be a fight or argument. We can break all that ship up with contacts and glasses and it dissolves it dissipation level. It's it. Yeah, I mean yeah, and really we created it, not even though we were creating anything. He can't be

your boyfriend. Well yet, all that's to say communication is I guess it starts to sound cliche kind of, but it's it is. It's very important. See, I don't think communication is the most important. I've mentioned that. So I mentioned that on the show before about a guy that I was dating who was actually sure I think I don't they like me. It's it's a well known well. I liked him because he was smart. I love a smart black man, and I love a black man that I can learn from. No, it's not what can I

learn from you? You don't care about herself? Knowledge, she's gonna be spitting on my food? No, no, knowledge is being spat. I'm not dating nobody with no front teeth when well, when he gets them, he can call me. So anyway, the guy, the guy who was short, he told me that, and I told this story before. But that understanding is because I used to think it was communication. That understanding is the most important aspect of a relationship because if I don't understand who you are, I don't

even know how to communicate with you. Until I understand who you are, I don't know how to communicate with you. I don't know how to love you. I don't know how to be honest with you. I don't know how to be truthful to you. I don't know to have faith in you because I don't even know who you are at your core. But how would you know who I am? And lest we communicate? Well? But I'm not talking about like basic level communication. I'm talking about ain't

not in vacation, Ain't not basic. Yeah, I'm talking about heavy level communication. Talking and just getting to know each other is basic communication. That's like basic, fundamental communication. I'm talking about me telling you about my nuances because you can tell me all day that it's important to me that you don't come into the bathroom when I'm in the bathroom. But unless you understand that I have issues around coming to the bathroom, why, Because yes, you got

to know the why before we go any further. Right, But I think that's on you maybe to be open and willing to share, absolutely, right. But if I don't understand you, then I don't even know how to be open and share, and may judge me as the person with the with the bathroom since, yeah, if you just say I need some alone time in the bathroom, right, that's something that's fair to say, and you can pay period,

don't know if you want. I think it's important though, to maybe be a little bit vulnerable, maybe a little bit transparent in that and extended to say because blah blah blah blah blah. Right, so you're still getting your point across because you're allowing somebody to understand you to begin that process. So maybe it's on us to help facilitate that thing exactly. But at the end of the day, it's it's that understanding of knowing who I am and why right now, understanding the why do many of us

know who we are? Even? No, right, that's that's a whole other level with him. So maybe the most important thing is understanding yourself. Being self aware is very important. So Elaisha from Georgia said, is they all suck all of them. It's the people using them, not the platforms. Bumbo is the best as far as how it sets up interactions. But I think they all need better filters. Yes, they all suck. Boo Radley, who is from Balmer hunt. That's how you know she's really from Baltimore because only

people from Baltimore noticed called Balm Baltimore Balmer. She says that Tender, she had a guy question how old her photos were. Meanwhile, he looked like a slim gym. You know what That probably means that he was brown and wrinkley. How old her photos were? Yeah, it was the I guess he was trying to say, pixels, you're dumb, dude, the pixels. Men don't think about stuff like that. Maybe I mean somebody's phone was older. I'm getting that. Maybe he's saying that savage. Oh I want to read this.

And last, you don't think I think you're crazy. The ten ass entity that thing is Chris. I think that something is wrong with her. Chrissy from Baltimore says, I've tried Tender, plenty of fish and hinge. I will say the hinge is better than the others, but I got off of there. I just honestly think that the online thing is for hookups. From my experience, not anyone looking for anything long term or serious. So it's a no for me. I understand that because that's how I feel.

I have not read these before, so I have no idea what people have read. Let me say this. The next one is from Mumbi from Athens, Georgia, and Mumby says tender. I went on two tender dates with a guy before he told me he was a swinger with his wife and asked me to join them. I kind fully declined, but he continued to reach out, so we would hang out periodically for drinks. Cut to one to two months later. I don't know, ohmy, it sounds like you were with it or you were trying to get

it up to it. Yeah, y'all going out. You guys are going steady. I went to China for two weeks and returned to like twenty five voicemails and crazy text messages. When I turned on my phone, literally as soon as I got to the third or fourth text and was slowly piecing together the insanity, this guy's wife called me, cursing me out because she thought I had given her husband. Oh,

I don't know, that sounded like a MITD. This guy's wife called me cursing me out because she thought I had given her husband a seed and she got it as a result. I had not, We had never had sex or even kissed. Some other woman had clearly infected them, and for some crazy reason he threw me under the bus. Anyway, I never spoke to him again. He was also a teacher and I would see him sometimes at local events. Dummy, So I think that out, that's a great content for a story entertainment. That's wild.

no action. What is she expecting she's not doing to? I mean, who goes on dating's house and doesn't get any action? But who doesn't get any action? I think a blond, deaf dog will get some action.

Take sage on them dates, sage floor to water, holy water, holy oil, and just throw it at them. And if they start out, then you know it ain't right if it's burning. I feel like everyone acts fake or walks on eggshells with online dating, and you aren't able to see people's true personalities before in person dates. I disagree. I definitely, I totally disagree with that. And I mean,

you know, I've done this for a long time. I feel like I'm not currently dating online, but I did it a long time and I did a lot of vetting. And it's easy to do vetting if you pay close attention, like you can see now some of them gonna get by you now, of course, but I mean in person they're gonna get by you too, absolutely, Like it's you know, I hate when people say, oh you do that online dating, Oh it's dangerous. You meet a lot of crazy people.

I mean crazy people on them all. I mean crazy people. Let the grocery store, I work with crazy people. Like, crazy people are everywhere, and you can meet crazy people and go on dates with them and meet them in person. A lot of it is about discernment, right, yes, And the other part of it is for some reason, women seem like they're afraid to ask man questions, not even interrogatively. But five five different men, five first dates, and you

didn't like anybody for a second date. No. I definitely understand if your spirit ain't there or it ain't like, then you got to go your way. I definitely get that. But at some point you got to think about, well, what am I What am I giving on? That's fair, That's the first thing. I'm always reflected first. Also, I would ask myself that any of them attempting.

I don't get it. I'm not getting on it. We'll get on it and tell me about.

to take you on a date. In her perspective, Yeah, but you know, I know I got trust issues and my therapist will tell you that in a heartbeat. But some about this sounds like an ad Right, what are you saying she coped for Facebook? I don't know, But why would she because nothing is going to happen Like I'm not going to report this actim but maybe maybe she didn't and maybe she is just so are you going to get on there? No? Probably not, But you said, but this is this is what I wanted to say

to our last, our last, our last person. Okay, since we're in quarantine or COVID or whatever, people are really not gland anywhere, not saying that you can't go for a hike, or you can get more creative, a little more effort for half. I want to say this. I went on a hike recently with my best friend and I felt I feel like I almost died. I think she was trying to kill me. But I went on a hike with her and it was a little bit of me overcoming a fear because we were in the woods.

We was we was in them woods. Do you understand me? Like in the woods, like what time was it? This sounds late that No, it was at twelve noon and that Why are you so scary? Don't do that to me. You're judging me, and I do not like it. Why don't you ask my therapists how about that? Okay? No, no, I will not see. This is the kind of judging that I do not accept. Here on hand, me my purse. It's is not judging. These are questions that is not okay,

introspectively dig anyway, you're trying to understand me. I guess. Yeah, I don't feel comfortable being that deep in the woods, Okay, because how do I get out? M hm? So I don't know if I would go hiking on a first date. Oh, it would be deep in the worlds. I was scared of that.

much as I think they should. Because you can video chat within these apps, so I don't have to give you my phone number if I don't feel comfortable yet, right, I can talk to you on the phone or video chat with you through this app, so I can definitely, you know, check out your front teeth. And that's kind of like money running that and they think it's funny.

few first conversations via videage. I think it's fine for her, I do see it, but I'm just saying I think she could have got there quicker before going on a real for outrun of the day. No, granted, if she likes men to take her out, then maybe that was you know, that might have been prognant. Some women do like that they do, but right now with COVID, ain't nobody really going nowhere nowhere else? On another note, like I don't really want to go out with nobody because

I don't really know, like bring me your COVID papers. Look, I don't even have my COVID papers, so I don't have but I know I'm I don't have no symptoms and things are working over here. So just wish you around January then we can go on all the ice skating dates. I do miss that though. I miss going on dates. Yeah, yeah, I love a good iceat Do you think men playing great dates or are these maybe a little I think exceptional men playing great Yeah, exceptional

men playing great dates? Is it because basically does he listen to what you're saying? Some of them are listening to what we are saying. And some of them are just exceptional. Some of them are just they're creative, you know, they know how to some of them know how to play the game. Yeah, and then some of them just some of them like to have a good time. Let

me tell you something. I dated this guy. When I tell you, I just had a ball with him, Like his spirit was just like beautiful, like we just had fun, like and we could just be walking to seven eleven. Yeah, and we just had a good time. Yeah yeah yeah yeah he yeah. Anyway, our last online dating poll is from Lena, and Lena says, this is a beautiful one. I'm going to read this one. I joined Black People Meet in twenty ten. I did that too, Did you

ever do that? Black People Meet? Absolutely? Girl, They stole my money though Black on me wasn't free. No, I know, I pay, I paid, and they stole forty dollars from me. I had to write sole how they steal it? Like they took it and I had canceled it and they kept on taking it after I had canceled it. Oh yeah you doing That's how they do? Yeah, well automatic pain. No, No, I had unsubscribed from the automatic pay. It wasn't within thirty days. You gotta read the I don't know. No,

they were wrong. They were wrong. Now did get it back? Yes? I did so. It wasn't melo, Now get my money came. It was pretty new. They trotting out of publicity. No, it was. It was way after twenty ten. I joined Black People Meet in twenty ten. Says Lena. I initially paid for the six month subscription. I had a few conversations that came about, but no connection and definitely no dates. She venting hardcore, you understand. I decided to give the site a break for a few months. I went back

on the site at the end of the year. This time I subscribed for just one month. Within a week of my expiration date, I received a message from a guy I had come across previously that was local. I had not engaged him before and where he was. I decided to reply, and surprisingly, I offered my phone number to him. Because my work schedule was so crazy that I knew I couldn't chat much on the site. We talked for hours, as if we already knew each other.

I felt instant comfort. Within two weeks we had a date, but I made shorter play is safe. From there, we have been inseparable. Oh we were exclusive a month after meeting, and within eighteen months we were married. Look at God, we just celebrated eight years of marriage last week. Come on, Jesus, shout out with j shit. Even y'all shine though, let me tell you something. No, you're worth playing. That's that's a beautiful. It's beautiful. It is it is, and what's

crazy is like that's real. No, it is really like that's the thing. I've heard the stories like this. There are so many people and this is why, like some people say, oh, online dating its for hookups or online datings for the listen, it is for who it's for, but it's also what you make it. So if I'm at a bar and I'm trying to get laid, guess

what's it gonna get? Lad pipe? Right, So like it sounded like, I mean, it sounds quite organic, but you know what I'm saying, like, if I meet a man today, I'm not looking for that right solely right, So it ain't no not to say I can't get bamboos, because of course I know, but this sounds like, yeah, this is love. It sounds like that, especially since she said, you know, she didn't usually give guys her phone number, but she gave it to him because her work schedule

is crazy and she knew she wouldn't have time. And they've been inseparable ever within eighteen months they were married. This gives me hope, halleluyah, not to ruin.

I think we're over using it toxic. I don't everything is toxic and it's not. It is. Most things are decisions that you've made, choices. They're choices, right if you think about it. Most women know the man they're marrying. They married him anyway, and he ended up being aduce She was a decent fort you said, I.

love her so much. And you know why I love her because the breakthroughs that I'm having like that is god Like. It's a godsend when you've been stuck for a long time on stuff like She's like a little angel with her little self. I love her. But anyway, I don't even know what I was saying. Anyway, guys, I want to thank Canvas for being on the show today. The next show will be the next part in the series about dating. I hope you enjoyed the show. I

love this girl. She is crazy and hopefully I'll have her on the show again because I love having people on the show that make me laugh. And I hope none of you guys get caught with her guy that she went on a date with with no teeth, And if you do, I hope the Joka has gotten a partial plate. The bridge shout out to can't collective again for listen. That drink was good. It's gone. Yeah, we've had actually, so we are on we've had two and the cup is probably like twenty two ounces. We drinking

like old ladies from south central LA. Like if it was a forty we would have downed it. So shout out to Can't Collective. If you don't know who they are, I will link them in all of my posts about the show on Instagram. If you're local in the DMV area, you need to find out about them and you can order and they will deliver and it is delicious and it is worth it. It's worth it. It's totally worth it, absolutely, and she even knew who about them before we even

sat down. She had some in a refrigerator, but I brought my own because I wanted what I wanted. Love you, Candice, thank you so much. Absolutely. I apprecid you having me here. Absolutely. Thank you. All right, friends and can today for straight facts, we have a question coming from Lou of Riverdale, Georgia. And Lou wants to know how do I address my girlfriend. I love her and want to be with her, but she is insistent on bringing a third party into our relationship.

I'm selfish and jealous and I don't like to share, but I don't want to lose her. Well, Lou, this is where the rubber meets the road, I guess they say, because if you don't want to lose her, but she is insistent on palm bringing someone else in, it's time to have like a really tough conversation. It's time to get to like the nucleus of why she wants to bring someone else in, and then get to the nucleus of why you don't like to share and you don't want to do that. When you guys get to that,

you guys got to kind of talk that out. And if she's not willing to compromise, or you're not willing to compromise, I hate to say it, my guy, but it might be time to take your love elsewhere because I don't believe that in situations like this people should have to compromise that heavily, because you know, if you know that this is a big issue and you are not interested in bringing the third party in because that you know that's a major step, then I don't think

you should have to compromise that. I really don't And if she really wants it, I don't think she should have to compromise really wanting it, because guess what, there is somebody out there who will want to be with you without adding a third party. And there's somebody out there who will be totally okay with bringing a third party in if that's what she wants. So I think it's time to have a very ugly conversation. Well, you know what, let me take that back. Not an ugly conversation.

I think it's time to have a very serious, authentically honest conversation. And if these are deal breakers, I don't think the two of you should compromise that. So, friends and Ken, for today's we got to do better. While I was at Candice's house, I saw this deck of cards on like her bar, and I asked her if I could open them and just take a look at him. I can't. I believe the company is called I Am, I AM Co or I AM Company, and they have a deck of cards, and I believe they're called the

I AM Affirmations. And I'm going to read one and it says this is the first one actually in the deck. They're numbered. It's a set of thirty affirmations to read to yourself every day that start with I AM. The one I'm going to read today it's number one and it is I AM Love. I may not have always made the right choices, but I did my best. I have so much love to give and everyone around me can feel it. I am given a clean slate every single day to be the best version of me that

I can be. I am forgiven. I am love. That's it. It's real simple, no need to really expound on it. It's a simple message. Read it to yourself again. Read it to yourself over and over and over and over, and let it bring some joy to your heart. How about that? Friends and Ken, you already know how this goes. The first thing that I want to do is thank God, because you know, it's kind of what we do here

and hand me my person. We thank God first because we are grateful for all of the blessings that have been bestowed upon us. I also want to thank my guests, my homegirl Candace for joining me today and making me laugh so hard that it actually hurt. I also want to send a serious Auntie shout out to the dudes over at Caine Collective for this awesome drink we had today.

I mean, Candace definitely crafted the drink, but without Cane Collective and their passion fruit jalapeno mixer, it would clearly just be a vodka soda and I don't like vodka soda. I highly suggest that if you are in the DMV

area you find out about Cane Collective. I'm going to post all of their info, including their IG account information and their website and their Instagram is like always popping and tells you like all of the places you can purchase their mixers where there'll be every weekend so you can purchase it live and direct. You know, support black business. It's what I do, is what we do here at

hand Me my Purse. We support plenty of businesses, we support all businesses, but we absolutely with pride Black Pride support black businesses here and hand me my Purse. I want to thank my family, my friends, my supporters, and of course you guys out there listening. I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know. I want you to know that I love you dearly and I cannot wait until we get to do this again, which will

be on the first of next month. Now, before you exit out of whatever streaming service you are using to listen to this, I want you to stop, go click subscribe or follow if you can if they allow, and then I want you to get on over to Instagram and follow me at hand Me My Purse Underscore podcast. You can also follow me on Twitter at HMMP podcast and on Facebook just search hand Me My Purse podcast. And if you listen on Apple Podcasts or any other medium that allows you to do so, please rate and

review Hand Me My Purse. I love you for it, and you know what I want. I wanna start reading reviews and comments that you guys leave me about the show, saying that you like the show and how you feel about the show. So go on ahead and write me a review now and maybe I'll read yours on the next show. Show notes are available at hand Memipurse dot buzzsprout dot com. Again, that is hand Me My Purse dot buzzsprout dot com. If you get lost on the interwebs trying to find me, ch'a just google Hand Me

My Purse Podcast. I'm gonna pop up go to the buzz Sprout website and everything you need will be there. How to listen, where to listen, all of my social media stuff. It's gonna help you out. And just stay tuned because there will be a website launch in the near future. I want you to submit your questions for the straight fact segment, photos of your auntie, stories about your aunties, quotes from your aunties to Hello at hand memipurse dot com, or send me a DM on Instagram

or on Twitter, and don't forget. You can expect a brand new episode of hand Me My Purse the podcast on the first and fifteenth of every single month, so the same way you expected those checks on the first and the fifteenth early in the morning, you already know your girl is going to have you covered on those days again the first and fifteenth of every month on your podcast streaming services such as Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher.

These are for my international friends and ken and anywhere else you may even think that you can find it, or you can just go straight to my bus sprout website and find it there. I look forward to you, looking forward to listening, and I'm out of business. Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts. For more shows from iHeart Podcasts, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.