Previously on the Zed1 Podcast You still haven't told me what you want for Christmas. Call the truth, you found in faux-fred? Ah, not this again. Hello, faux-freddy. My wife has helped me city air of my ways and I grew up with her but I went too far with winding you up. Oh god, I tried, Katie, you heard me. He's dead. What? How do you know that? I killed him.
This is a work of fiction. Everything you're about to hear has been fabricated in colluding the character opinions and all events that follow should be considered as entirely imaginary. Even the hamster isn't real. The town of Farrondon does exist, however, and it's actually alright. So, go visit if you want. A plastic tree wouldn't be subangino. Some of them look quite realistic. No, you wanted traditional. You wanted to do festive found and properly,
so we're using a proper tree. And the best place to search for one is at the tower. Oh, I bet it is. You know, since you told me about Dave Dying, you've been all eager to go back up there. Dropping hints like, we'll get a better idea of the weather from the folly tower and you'll be able to see the zeds coming from all around at the folly tower. And if you throw a zed from the top of the folly tower, I'll give you a kill of the week. The man stalked us for months.
Aren't you just a little bit curious at what the hell went on in there? Huh, so much for moving on. You're just as pissed off as me about this guy. I knew it. Well, there's a mystery to solve, isn't there? Why is he stalking us? Who were the other people in the watch? And what happened to them? Why did it all go wrong for them and write for us? Oh, I can't answer those questions right now. Why was he stalking us? Because he was a dick. Who were the other people involved? Who the fuck cares?
What happened and why did it go wrong? They weren't as good as they thought they were. And we, darling, are fucking amazing. Don't get cocky. We did lose a hamster. Yes, but he didn't get eaten by zombies. He didn't go starving. He led an amazing, literary, full-life for hamster. So watch, all died. You can't give yourself a cool gang name like that and then die off when shit gets real. It's like being a part of the X-Men and having the superpower of being able to click your
knuckles. Wait, I can do it. Don't do it. You know I hate that sound. By the power of Sonovia fluid. Part-heart. You can't even do it anyway. Oh, Sonovia fluid. Draining. Must eat. Vitamin B. Luckily, we've arrived at our destination. Otherwise, you would drag this on for hours. Go on then. I know you've been waiting for this moment. Try that clunky-ass key in the tower door. Oh, well, this is, erm, quaint. There's nothing here. Just an old sleeping bag.
Hmm, I don't know what I was expecting at this place. I was hoping for a giant pole up in the middle so you can slide down when you get to the top. If ever this town gets back to normal, I'm going to suggest that. Where's all this gear? Where's all the photos? There's drawings. Where's the schematics? Where are all the death-phrase, Aaron? Maybe he's got another criminal there. One that's less conspicuous. Well, we're here now, so we may as well go up to the top.
Ah, dragging a zed up these stairs just to push him off the top. It just isn't going to be worth it. You'll change your mind when you get up there and see how high it really is. You can see across the Thames Valley on a clear day, apparently. An early afternoon in mid-December, we'll be lucky if we see the end of our arms. Jesus Christ, the spiral is just keep on going and going. You do that here. You just climb the ladder, open hatch and you're up at the top. Ah, where's the ladder?
Oh, fabulous. Wait, can I reach that? Oh, shit, no. I can't reach the hatch. Well, come on then, girl. We'll have to do a throwback to our festival days. Bend down and I'll climb on your shoulders. We're the same weight now and I've got the key to the hatch, so that means I'm the key master. So go on, assume the position. I'm the key master. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fine. But that does mean you'll have to pull me up. Yeah, that might not happen. Push me through. Ah, shit.
Pull me back down. Back down. There's a Z up here. What? How do we get all the way up here to the 40-Tower? I'm not available for questions right now. Just get me back down. That was close. Okay. Maybe you can go on my shoulders. Huh. Just open up the hatch while you're still up there. Let's attract it to the opening when it falls will do the rest. Ready? On free. One, two, free. Now. Hello. Down here. This way. Do you think this'll work?
Yeah. Might take a while, but it'll find its way. Try jumping and shouting. Oh, wait. You. Come. Get us. This isn't working. Right. Lift me up very slowly. Okay? I'll take a peek. Huh. He's chained up. He's like a guard zombie. I can't see how long the chain is from here. Push me up all the way. Be careful. It's a bit parky up here, isn't it? You were one of the watch, weren't you? It's just that you're wearing the same clothes as Dave did.
And he left you up here, right? Out in the cold in the rain. He probably didn't have the heart to put you to rest. That's the thing, man. This is how this virus spreads so wild. I mean, I love one gets bit, but you don't see the Z, do you? You still see the person you love. And I blame in the virus for that. We're all guilty of it, even before what has happened. We still see the person we want them to be, not for what they really are.
I keep on turning to wife, you know, that she might have to put me down one day. And she would. I have no doubt how she friends it even now. But Dave couldn't do that to you, could he? What was it to you? Brother? Father? That's been? Why am I even asking? You don't know. Apparently you can see all the way across the Thames Valley from here. I think you've still enough. Oh, the wife. I better go get her. Pick up my love. Why is it so long?
I've never really had time to have a proper look at a Z at his all. Oh, it's really nice up here, apart from that in the corner. Hey, he looks like Dave. Yeah, I was just thinking that. I don't even know where the Thames Valley is. If you see the White Horse, just about, with a disconcerting number of Zs on it. Disconcerting number? Well, I didn't know how you describe a group of zombies. An assortment, an association, an assemblage. A horde? Where? Over the head. Shit, shit, shit.
Nothing turned to here is what, seven, eight miles. The zombie staggered up maybe half a mile an hour, so we've got some time. I can head back home and fetch some things and we can haul up here and watch them all pass by, hopefully. They're not all coming this way, are they? Well, some will get dispersed around a bit or stuck in the farmlands over there, but there is a definite shimmy towards this direction. This puts a dent in our festive farrington plants for sure. We may need to call it off.
Good idea. I can't have any outsiders attending festive farrington. This is the most depressing thing to watch ever. It looks like they're in a protest march or something. Maybe now and then if you've all over and there's a whole domino of zeds toppling behind them, which was funny at first, but it's just endless. Why don't they stop coming? I don't know. Kind of hoping the local zombies will be hoovered up by this horde, and they can all fuck off together. What if they don't?
What if fandom becomes carpeted with the undead and we end up stuck here? How many days of food and water did you bring? One. Oh, that's not good prepping. Did you see the amount of stuff I was carrying up here? Yeah, but I'd rather have food and deck chairs, Aaron. You was the one complaining you'd been still up all day. You're going to have to go back down there. I think we're both better off back home to be honest, but let's just ride things out a little bit longer.
See what the morning brings and see if they find out a bit. Well? There's less around than yesterday. There's still dozens down there. They're just looping around aimlessly. Many of people have had that same problem before the apocalypse. Farrandon is like a large mouse trap. Can we stop with the A word? It's so final. How about normality hiatus? That's a bit better. Okay, here's something we wouldn't normally do.
Let's grab the guts out of that zed over there and smother ourselves of his insides. We're going home, and we need to smell an act like zombies to sneak by. Act? I can't act. And you definitely can't act. Cool, Sha can. Come on. Let's see his zombie walk. Well, that's decent, but you've got to contort yourself a bit more. Contort myself? Yeah. Twist yourself up like every unnatural movement you're making pains you. Like your very soul is itching, and you just can't reach it. I'm doing it.
I don't know what you're asking me to do. Nearly like really tense your limbs and twist yourself up. Like this? Katie, there's a spider on you. Get off, get off, get off. Now that is contortion. Come on, let's rip this guy up and get smothering. You said that, like you're going to enjoy this a bit too much. Ugh, it smells so bad. Just a bit more than you've done. Oh, this is the worst sunscreen ever. What's this you're spreading on me now? Just a bit of rectum. Rectum?
We're running out of body parts. There's two of us, one of him. You do the maths. Oh, well, of course you've got all the intestines and the stomach and whatever the hell that thing is on your face. His spleen. Oh, interesting. I've never seen one before. But when it comes to covering me up with his bits, I get all this finkters. Don't you dare stick his penis on me. It's just a penis. Look, look at the penis. Get it down! Oh!
I can't believe you've just thrown a zombie's penis off of a hundred-foot-high tower. And don't let this happen to you. Yes, man. Right. You're all dumb. Are you ready for this? I can talk to myself, Groan. It's not like I asked. I'm ready. Next time on the Z1 podcast. Why are you winning? If you're going to talk, make it sound like you're owning a... Why are you winning? Because this is so fucking cool. Yeah, I want to then just quit my poop. Wait, aren't you on the line to do that? Oh, shit.
Katie. Run.