Ep. 244 The Neurodivergent Prom

Let me finish.

This is the first time I committed a hate crime.

Maybe they'll jerk my dick off for it, you know, like something like that.

Yeah, probably we've disgusted. I'm associate bath your thrashed relationship Twitter?

Any trash ship? You're a worst friend? Do you want to know why you're all fucked up?

Just look at the fucking problems you hang around with. You're listening to Your Worst Friend with Shane and Matt. I'm mad and I'm joined today by my friend and co host Shane. What up?

Boner jams your.

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Have you ever because we were just talking about this off air, but I literally paused and started the show just so I could ask us, have you ever had something? We were joking about a stand up comedian if they had a perfectly lined heckle set for you, how great it would feel to just kind of like accomplish that. Have you ever fucking had something? And maybe I'm just unveiling my fucking absolute craziness here. And I have no idea that like people don't think this way, So I

I feel like I have.

I just I'm having trouble placing a specific one because usually okay, well, there was that time I pulled the gun on that guy. There was there was let me think, uh, there was that time I uh, I beat that guy up at the barracks when I was in the Marines, even though I shouldn't have been able to. I think it was because he was drunk. So I line that

Everyone had been thinking about it for a while and you were able to just express it in that one, right.

Yeah.

But then he told all the management and they they asked me about it, and I was like, well, yeah, of course I said that, and they fired me because I said the F word inside the store.

I didn't think that. I didn't think that profanity would break the bond I had made with Greg, the store manager.

So I'm also racking my brain thinking because I feel like I've had I've had good wins, like one liner wins that just kind of ended. The one I can really think of is my friend John really liked a girl, and they all worked at AMC, the whole group of them, and the girl kind of had a thing for this guy. And I don't know this guy at all. I don't

Girl push her head down into John's lap.

I don't, yeah, suck this or you ever seen you ever felt a real one between the your teeth, just a real biggish fucking line. John's like, stop, stop, stop, you know, and I get mad at him. Then I go, won't you shut your fucking mouth too?

This is like this is when you get back in your freak off days. I forget the kid's name.

I don't know if it was Brett or Gary or fucking whatever. I don't I don't remember his name. I'm gonna get a text when John listens to this and goes, who's this one, I'll go, oh, yeah, that was it. But I don't have any connection to this guy, good or bad. Okay, the girl I'm neutral on, I don't. I mean, she's a nice person, she's fine whatever. Uh, But I go, like, John's my friend. So what I'm gonna do is I sat there and I just methodically picked this guy upon. It was one of those New

You hit for? Food?

No?

Sit down food, Applebee's, No, a diner?

There you go, There you go, third shot, there you go, Uh yeah, diner. By the way. If you hear that clicking, that's him turning his mic on and off. Shane is dying of a coughing attack so much so that it's making cough like when people yawn.

I'm not coughing, you're coughing.

I think his name was like Trent or something. I don't I don't remember what his fucking name was. But I just dissected him all night, picking on him for this, picking on him for that.

Everyone was laughing with me, blah blah blah blah blah.

And I remember at the end, I really got it in everyone's head that this guy looks like a fucking sex offender, Like he's real creepy. We as a group don't want to associate with this man.

Called him Trent the Pedophile.

Trent the Pedophile, Yeah, that's what I called his name, wasn't Trent. I know that for a fact. But uh yeah. I've had some of those, just like you know, verbal things where you can find the perfect line to fit in in the perfect spot. I've had some swings and fucking misses where you playing out your life like the Truman Show and you're like, oh, I'm going to deliver this commercial break line right here. And I told you this girl was really pissing me off. We were hanging

Like, that's what I call my cock. It's my flingers. See, it's my flingers. I have multiple front it's just one. But it's so fast when it flings, it's like winters. Uh.

So, we just got back from Salem yesterday, Jenna, Oh.

Man, that's a long fucking drive.

It's about five and a half hours. It takes us about seven because we'll stop for lunch and we'll you know, stop a couple of times and walk around and shit like that. Hey, I do have a legitimate question for you about ADHD, because we always say, like, oh, there are some of the Sometimes I have some signs of it. You will always tell me, like, just you eat.

A whole bunch of add orrole, you'll feel good. They have byvance now.

But then I've never been Yeah, but I'm not a fucking soldier on the edge' isn't that what they give the soldiers them up? I think they just gave them regular, old, plain old meth No, I mean like current day ones, not like fucking nineteen forty three.

Oh, I don't think so. I think that would be a problem. I think I don't think they can just give you vibance and make you take it.

No, I don't think they're forcing them.

Oh okay, well dude, I'll sign back up now if I can get free vibeance.

Oh no, why does it say no soul? Okay, so AI might be wrong, maybe not.

Oh yeah, I don't even think you can enlist with ADHD.

Okay, So here's what Yeah, that's what I'm reading you see me.

Yeah, I knew a guy in recruit training he stopped taking his adderall before boot camp because he couldn't have ADHD. So I'm assuming he didn't tell them, Assuming he didn't tell them to tell the recruiter like, oh I have ADHD, and they said, uh, okay, well I'm going to put that down on your medical form, but stop taking the medicine. You know, that's not how it works. They just cruiters

You know. Good, that's good. That's a good way to step into it. So I got two questions. One is they're an ADHD thing where you're driving and your fucking eye you're not even necessarily tired, You just get so bored that your eyes start either going cross eyed or closing when you have to like actually physically shake your head and your eyes straight.

Does that happen? I mean that that happens when I'm tired.

Yeah, I wasn't tired, though I was bored. I was really really bored.

Yeah.

I mean, I feel like when I was driving across the country but I had my adderall.

See.

I don't know, it's been so long since I haven't been medicated, but I do.

I do, honestly feel.

From from what I remember, because that's when I when I stopped taking my adderall a few years ago. I probably took two years off from having any adderall. And the reason for it was because I didn't really have anything to do. I was just like I was working a really, really, really easy job. I worked nights, so I slept in the day. I my kid was like a baby, so there was like you'll understand when you're a parent, but they're so much harder when they're older

And I do remember.

I bet your wife doesn't paint that same picture of herself.

At the time, though, Oh no, did she was working really hard with the kids, was taking care of the kid. Oh my god, it was so much. Yeah, she was making way more money at the time.

Did Shane ever help you with any of that. No, he mostly just screamed in the other room. My life is so easy. Everything's so easy. Right now, leave me alone, so I can take it easy. Leave me alone. I'm trying to take it easy in here.

But yeah, I do remember thinking when when I was in that period, like, yes, being bored was a bad thing because I would want to take naps and I would always get tired after I ate. So it's like, if I ate something anytime of day, I would want to nap afterwards. I'm better about that with my medication. But yeah, I have had that sensation a bunch while driving, more so when I wasn't on medicine. But I don't know that it's specific to ADHD or anything like that.

That just could be a thing. It was.

It's literally my eyes going cross eyed, like and that's weird.

Yeah, that just sounds like your head is broken or something like maybe there's there's a literal screw that turned loose and it's got your eyes falling out of place.

I'm trying to figure out what it is and I don't know if it's the ADHD screw, but it could be the one holding.

The eyes in place.

I think it's the ice crew. But I'm not like tired. I just get bored. And there was one stretch in Connecticut. Yeah, I here's the thing.

I am scared. I'm a shitty driver. I'm scared of driving. Go ahead now they Yeah, get back to that in a second. But now that you put it in context of a road trip, yes, I can't do road trips anymore without adderall. It's it's it is impossible for me, even.

With music playing, even with a podcast you could even be in conversation, it would be very difficult.

Yeah, I still get so. And it's not that you're boring me, it's not. And it's just I don't want to be in the fucking car. I don't want to be like to be out now exactly. Yeah, that's no, Yeah, I saw. Yeah. I think I just have like foggy memory because it's been so long since I haven't since I've been med free. But yeah, the idea of doing a road trip back then out of the question. No fucking way, you know.

Yeah, yeah, well, and that's I don't know, because again, on paper, everything is in order. Gen's not giving me shit about the radio. It's my choice. She's working it over there. Even I want the Spotify, she'll do Spotify. She'll go back and do specific podcasts for a while. You know. It's great, But I still am just like I just I think it's representative of everything in my life, except for like the relationships I've been in. I've always

So it's been in my life, you know. So what were you saying about being a bad driver though.

Oh so I'm not a bad driver. I'm an anxious driver. And I'm an anxious driver for a couple of reasons. One, I've watched way too many raddit videos that people just getting smushed i mean real smushed up. And two, I'm not worried about me. I know, you know, do you remember, like the first season of Walking Dead, the Asian guy what's his name thing, Glenn Glenn. Uh, there's a scene of him with like a Mustang or something like that, and he's ripping up New York and.

Right, oh yeah, like just burning down Broadway and shape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's great. I could do that. I don't have any problem with any of that shit. I don't know what this assholes doing over here. This guy's on his fucking phone and just whipped across three lanes. This person's doing ninety six in a fucking you know, fifty five or whatever it is, and he's really like on your ass if you're not fucking totally moved over, it's it's I don't trust anyone

Hours on the road, just the fucking highway scene from the second movie, no others.

Yeah, I'm just watching all and then I'm coming up with new ones where I'm like, oh, well, if that car flipped, if it hit a tree, you know, then it would crush them and kill Jen and I so there's.

No destination two point one.

I mean there were like seven of them, weren't there.

Yeah, but this is just the highway scene from the second movie, so it's two point one.

That's fair, like one of those Jackass movies. Yeah, yeah, but this is more more more specified anyway, anxiety, I would love that's why did you you have your Tesla? Do you have the option or did you get the self driving option on it yet?

So it came with a month free trial of the full self driving, but the regular cruise control is good enough. So yeah, I'm not going to pay the extra hundred dollars a month for the full self driving. I used it a couple times.

Is anyway?

Let me answ you is that what it is? Or can you buy it is one hundred a month? Or can you buy it for like ten grand or like five.

It's an extra six grand on the price of the automobile.

Okay, okay, you.

Can't you buy it right from your car if you want to, that's.

Cool, that's so cool, or from the app on your phone. Yeah, but what's it called? So yeah, I just use the cruise control, which is I would say, I mean, I haven't bought a car in a long time. But I would say it's pretty advanced for just being the basic cruise control.

It's got you know, the.

Regular like you set the speed with your paddle, you can shift the speed up or down with the thing on your the.

Little wheel on your deering wheel.

And then uh, on top of that, it's got like a you can choose how many car lengths to keep between you and the car in front of you, so it'll it'll you know, uh, match the speed of the vehicle in front of you and then keep you know, two cars between you. It will break for you. If there's a hazard, it'll corrective steer. If you start to go out of the lanes. It'll corrective steer if there's cones or some shit or a like a hazard or

The exits are your exit.

You know.

I mean, it'll it'll keep thinking like, oh fuck, this guy probably wants to exit now, and it'll slow down.

This guy's a dick. He doesn't even know who his fucking exit is yeah. Yeah, so yeah, stay in the left lane. But I mean, yeah, the cruise control is so good you don't need the fools self driving, and it maxes out at ninety so you can't set the cruise control above ninety. Sure, which was a bummer driving home from San Francisco this last time.

Wow, wide open stretches where you could.

Rip, No, dude, No, well, I mean it is wide open in the sense that there's not a lot of cars. But yeah, it's a crazy fucking winding up and down hill and I was. I took the whole road at like one hundred miles an hour. It was fucking awesome.

I was just why do that, though.

Because I wanted to see. Well, I've done this drive a lot of times. I've drawn it, so I I'm pretty comfortable with it. And I've done this drive in vehicles. I was not comfortable, you know, so you know, going like the speed limit and shit. And our Nissan, for as good of a vehicle it was, I don't feel like it was responsive to like steering. I feel like I had a lot of give in the wheel before it would actually start to respond to you turning it. The Tesla's not like that. The Tesla is just like

Okay, okay, time to slow down. But yeah, I shit, you not man.

In the Tesla coming home, I was taking curves at one hundred plus and I felt one hundred percent in control of everything I was doing. I was passing semis, I was passing other cars.

I could uh oh yeah. And it's got that regenitive break regenerative braking, which you probably know about because of your car, which is just like you slow down so fucking fast as soon as you take your foot off the the accelerator, you're basically breaking instantly. So well, that's that's the way it is for mine.

Yeah, that's that's an electric motor, a full electric motor.

That's sure.

That doesn't have anything to do with regenerative break right right. Braking is just capturing the electricity coming back.

Sure, sure, yeah, but I'm just saying it is an all encompassing term. Like, Okay, as soon as you pull your foot off the gas, you're you're breaking instantly.

It's saving battery. Sure, but yes, like just just the just the ability to slow down so fast if somebody decided to cut out in front of me or something. Yeah, I felt I felt great in that car, and I'm really happy to have it, specifically for drives like that. I don't always drive like a maniac, but it's it's like road trips like you were describing with the ADHD. Once I start driving, all I can think about is

I would feel that way and do that too, if no one else is on the road. Everyone else is a threat to me on the road. That's my own anxiety too, I know that. Yeah, but yeah, but my solution is rather Okay, you're really meek about it.

Huh uh No, you're like Silbert from uh Rocko's Modern Life.

You turn the page, you wash your hands. You turn the page, you wash your hands. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah for sure. Uh you know that's why I'm so like words. I'll say anything, I'll have any debate. I don't give a fuck whatever because it's low consequence. But like, you know, moving around two tons of steel fucking at eighty miles an hour while this dumb whore not my wife, I meant, the person in the next car over is doing her makeup or something like that. Yeah, some jerk

A, I don't.

It's because I got into that accident when I first started driving, a month and a half of my license, I got into an accident. Fucking student driving class. I missed one day of it, and it was driving on a highway. So like I just I never had confidence in it. I never had confidence in it.

It's just I.

Don't trust anyone else. But we hit a stretch in Connecticut that was fourteen miles and I know it was fourteen miles because it felt like my hell. What it was was a three lane highway reduced down to one lane. We've talked about, like the fucking unbelievable turnpike shit I've been dealing with. Going up taking a genda North Jersey

On to the side.

Yeah, but like the tall, thin ones and the ones that if you did hit them, there to go and really like like they're not just knockover things, they're not cones.

Oh oh yeah, I know what you I hit one of those once when I was drinking and driving a couple of years ago.

Oh dude, my wife and son will remember that longer than I will.

Here you go, let me show you a picture one of these.

Yep, yep, that's exactly what I hit, Like four of them in a row, like you know.

I was like, I didn't because the guy in front of me was he was kind of too close to the left.

So the left lane over here is fucking all those things and they're just like stacked next to each other. It's like the most amount of fucking uh. I don't know, just there's no good funny reference there, just just high highway shit. There's a whole bunch of highway shit. There you go, and they're just in pylons. Yeah, I don't know. I was like trying to expand on that. I was like, there's nothing to that. Just shut up and move to the next thing.

So, uh, it's just all of that, all the way they.

Left, and this is fourteen miles and what you're doing. Hold on, I just realized my fan was going the entire time. We'll see how that sounds.

To your right. It's just solid concrete. Okay.

Now you have to have some sort of curb to see while driving. I would be comfortable going through this, probably at about thirty five.

Miles an hour. Okay.

The people behind me probably want to do sixty five. I can tell they want to do sixty five because I'm doing fifty. Eyes crossing dark and you're really uncomfortable. Huh, everything shining at me whatever. Those things are called stigma if you have a stigmatism or whatever. It is where it looks like every light has cones around it.

Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, well, I'm getting that all from my left. Lights are coming from my right. There's a fucking wall over here.

It was terrible.

It was just terrible. How you sound like you sound Jewish without the accent, not worried about money. I just don't like traffic. Oh goodness, so good.

It was terrible. There were pylons in concrete everywhere.

Traffic jew But then we got to Salem and Salem was fine. It was nice. It was actually better because it was more dead than last year and the year before.

Oh shit, Oh man, I hope the town doesn't die. Uh. It was just less busy and that was nice.

Last year there were two hour weights to get into restaurants, there were hour long waits to get into stores. Then uh, this year, you know, ten minute wait, half hour waits, the longest we ever did a lot of uh Hispanic Uber drivers with Arizona phone numbers.

Oh well, you know where they came from, right, No, tell me where they came from a part of town that we referenced in our first.

Oh yeah, have to check it out on Patreon.

Oh yeah, it may have been the first.

Yeah.

No, I think it was an episode called Beautiful Angel, and I think I released that while we were up in New York during COVID, and I remember I had kidney stones. We had we were gonna have a nice, like fuck weekend. In the first night, I get the worst kidney stone attacks and all it does is just hurt your dick and balls.

When you have kidney stone, Oh dude, when you said, kidney stone. I immediately thought of like our kidney stone attack. I thought of a bunch of kidney stones coming at you with swords and shields and stuff.

No, no, no, they were just jamming up my kidneys and making my dick and balls swell up and hurt real.

So you can't fuck like that?

No, No, I couldn't. I wasn't good.

I tried.

I believe, I.

Bet I could fuck like that, all in pain and shit. But Salem was nice.

The ubers, we took too many of them.

What are ubers code for ecstasy? No? No, no, no, no, do you take too many?

There were days when we should have just walked into town more, and instead we were just like, eh, fuck it, we don't like it. Just drive us to the edge of town and we'll walk in.

Yeah, dude, vacation's meant for fucking ubering, not walking, unless you're taking a walking vacation.

So I like walking in the town. I don't like walking to the town, right, Yeah, like walking through the swamp and everything.

Yeah the swamp. Yes, it's not a swamp.

They don't have a swamp outside their town or a mo.

No, but north Okay, So I got a couple things to touch on.

One.

The first day we get there, we go to our restaurant, I see something hanging up. They're having a rave on Halloween night and I go a real rave, that's what it says. They got a DJ and everything.

Okay, is it like a Is it a party at like a nightclub inside of a casino or something, or is this an Actually? Is this like a rave at an old warehouse with broken out windows and shit?

Well, it's at a restaurant that they're clearing it all out and then bringing it in. They have a big dance floor and shit like that.

But they're not just passing out bottles of water and ecstasy to people.

Oh maybe they're selling beers.

That I don't know a lot of people who drink. My wife has these two friends who got married recently. They're they're like rave people. They would go to Burning Man and shit, they have no kids. They said nickelback lyrics as their vowels at their wedding. They're fucking weirdos, dude. They're total like liberal weirdos, and.

They be cool with giving them a UBI of like two hundred a month, two hundred bucks a month to fix people like that like to to clip them.

Yeah, well they they don't really seem to drink a lot of beer. They just pop a lot of drug pills.

That's I mean, that emphasizes my point, like, don't have kids. It's okay, yeah, yeah, well the dan like you.

Okay, they're not. They're not like me. They're not like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. That's Is that a song?

Yeah, that's at Kendrick Lamar diss where he's telling everyone how Drake's a pedophile and lives in a white person house.

Uh So I buy tickets to this rave. It's twenty bucks, right, tickets, and I'm like, oh, this will be cool. You know, we'll go to a fucking you know, we'll have something to do on Halloween night. We do our normal shit, we do our walk in. She buys all her stuff. I got what she buy, Oh like sage, a lot of that, some candles and crystals and now hear me out, hear me out.

And she has emphasized the difference as well.

Most dumb chicks by crystals and stuff and they're like they're healing.

They do this.

Jen really likes the geology of it, which I let her know. It's a lot less dumb broad and a lot more nerd chick.

Yeah, nerd chick is way better. It's better.

No, I mean most of the time, dumb broad is a lot hotter.

Well yeah, dumb dumb broad puts.

Out yeah, and puts out well.

Yeah, this dumb broad has experience.

Right, because she's a whore normally. Yeah, exactly, those horror crystals around.

Here, that's just where her skills are at and not in geological lattices.

So we buy a bunch of crystals and shit like that on the night for Halloween. It was a bummer because last year we got to see Halloween on Halloween at the movie theater. And it's cool because it's a rickety old shitty theater.

They sell beers. So I was crushing beers.

Jesus, you know stuff like that, right, Yeah.

Sure, yeah, I was so cool. I've read all these beers at the movie theater.

Yeah, come down, Brett Cavanol. Okay, we know you like beers. I got it, we heard you. So I was drinking a bunch of beers and this year and.

I may have raped the assumed to be lawyer. Just wait forty years to talk about it. That's got an expiration date.

Last year, we saw Halloween on Halloween. This year they had Nightmare on Elm Street playing and I was like, that would be cool too. I think it would be really cool to go to our movie theater in the place we really like, a creepy place, and eventually see all big three movies. You know, you crushed some more beers, tons of beers, dude. I had three beers there. But then as I was leaving, I was like, yo, can I take this beer with me? And they were like,

That's pretty dope.

When I if you saw a guy doing that, I didn't be so cringed out and boom and you see his chick kind of level.

Oh just wait till you're a dad and you have it's too embarrassed. You'll do all sorts of shit like that.

I will point that shit out to other parents too. By the way, Hey, don't do that. You look very obnoxious when you do that.

Your kid's gonna shoot in the face with a shotgun while you sleep. Don't do that. So when I was at the Golden One Center seeing Jane Ico, we bought uh water and the water was in heay is.

That Sacramento was at the King Stadium or yeah it is Arena?

Oh yeah, sorry, yeah, So I was getting water and the water was in metal bottles like uh, you know, like those cooler bottles like the beers used to.

Come in beers instead. Though, oh, I.

Don't drink those because I'll ruin my family life again again. I'm just, I'm just I'm just putting the pieces back together.

So, oh, I don't actually drink those because everything I've rebuilt from the ashes would then be crumbled again by the destruction of my alcoholism.

But thank you, I appreciate it. I can't because I I'm not going to keep in secrets.

I can't because I get real violent when I drink.

Everyone will know and I'm okay with it, but no one else is. Yeah, everyone else has a problem with it.

Sorry, go ahead, so you want to see Jane Ico.

And they gave us metal bottles of water, but they they said, like when I was buying them, they're like, it can't bring the bottles into the arena, so they just poured the water into plastic cups for us. I spilled one of them moments later, all of it. It was like nine.

Dollars worth of water. Jesus Christ.

So well, I mean it was I paid eleven, but you know, I spilled about nine dollars worth of.

It, So still gotta sip, right, you just go refill it in the bathroom if you want.

I think I actually did during one of the intermissions. Yeah, I think I was like, fuck, I shouldn't takene of those mushrooms and then spilled my water. But yeah, I thought it was interesting, like, oh, they don't want us to have the bottles because we'll throw them at the performers if they stink, you know, or just cuz because

Really likes the mango one.

They're good. I like with death. I thought it was water flavored.

I couldn't taste any mango, okay, but they they didn't give me any cups, and I was like, okay, this had never occurred to me till now. But I have to huck these bottles at somebody without opening them, you know, just leave leave them fully sealed, and just launch a can up in the air.

You know, why why do that?

Why not empty the bottle, then fill it with piss and then cap it and then throw it up Because.

It was cans. It was liquid death cans, so all the pistol shoot out all over me.

Why you just throw it like this almost like pole?

Like, uh, what is it? What's the rocker?

Whatever they throw?

Dude, I'm not trying to have some fucking soon to be dad laugh at me and point at me in front of all the other parents at the Plenty show.

He didn't even throw that can full of pisses good as a man should do it.

He threw it like a mary.

Maybe this sissy over here, fuck you, reminded me. I went into the bathroom at a rest stop on the New Jersey's Urnpike.

First mistake.

Yeah, and I've I've had this. So my mom's been sick for weeks now, and Jen and I are like, Yo, you gotta fucking chill out, blah blah blah. You might have this that you got a chill. Stop being so fucking sick. It's just the weather change, and like everyone we know is sick right now. So as soon as we came back, I'm starting to feel it. Jen starting field, but even going up there, I was starting to feel shitty.

Little I had that once when I had a strep throat.

So those you pop those out and crush them. Oh, they stare the worst purum. It's because they were food at one. Yeah, what, I'm just reclaiming what was mine with a little interest on the outside. So I go into the bathroom and I'm nervous. I'm gonna look like a weirdo because I want to take my flashlight and I want to look in my throat at the rest off in the turnpike, in the New Jersey bathroom.

So probably the least weird thing that's happened there today.

Well, and that was the thing, because I fucking look to my right and the guy is two sinks down, and I'm like, oh, I don't want to look like a weirdo in front of this guy. And I look and it's a fucking two hundred year old Chinese man washing pennies in the sink, literal pennies and scrubbing them too, like he's hoping he's gonna find an inscription from Abraham Lincoln on them, saying like send them back or something.

You know, well, you know what that is. He's just looking for a specific penny.

Yeah, it's real weird to be scrubbing him in the bathroom in the New Jersey Termpike rest stop.

Well, he's got to find the right one. I understand that. I understand.

I even know how important it can be to him and maybe even the society as a whole if he were to find something very noteworthy and historic. It was more like there's just more of the setting and location of when he did what he did.

Yeah, I mean it's no Tonsilstone inspection, but yeah, it's definitely fucking weird.

One was at least medical.

This guy was cleaning currency, Yeah I did.

I think that's a crime. You can't launder money, sir. I don't think you can do that, hunch on. Huh okay, all right, have a nice day. I'm gonna check my throat real quick. He probably came in through the southern border.

Sure, sure, well he wasn't exactly military aged, military aged male. He was about seventy three. Well, dude, I mean two hundred. I thought you said he was two hundred, because even that for like a Shallon Warrior, it's like thirty six. That's a good point.

My mistake.

Fucking so we have to rave who we're gonna go to, right And uh we watched Nightmare on Elm Street. I have all those beers again, I guess really, And it was bum It bummed me out because there were only four people in the theater. It was like this this was sold out last year. It was a great like community kind of whoa experienced type of shit, and this year where there's twour peaking jerk offs. No, it was two gay guys and then a woman and another person.

I don't know what it was. None of them were black, huh uh you.

One of the gay guys was hispanic, one was white, I believe, and the woman was fat. I didn't really pick up on the color. I'm colorblind when it comes.

Least funny of all people is a fat woman, regardless of color.

Best target of comedy, and if they can take jokes, that's a real positive thing. But generally the worst at I don't know, hot chicks are pretty fucking shitty at comedy too.

Yeah, but dude, if they say it with their nipples poking through their shirt, it's really it's really funny.

That's a good point. Yeah, that's funny. You look at her tits. That's so she's a piece of garbage. That's so funny.

So we get dressed up to go to the rave. What would you put on glow sticks? Well, have glow bands and fucking platinum boots and show. I thought about it afterwards.

Salem is a heavily queer town, and I dressed up like a big bear where the zipper didn't go all the way up and kind of dragged down on my shirt, so I just had all my chest hair hanging out.

So you're just giving them a show.

I'm really just screaming sloppy party bottom take you know, take turns.

To yeah, get get in line. Boys. Uh. So we go to this thing and like I see, I see a guy dress like a bear and a girl wearing a.

Like a real shitty material. Okay, so the costume I was. I was a bear and Jen was the lead girl from the horror movie Midsummer So spoiler alert for people who haven't seen it. At the end, the boyfriend kind of figures out he's like a problem in her life and blah blah blah blah blah, and they put him in a bear skin set him on fire in this thing as like a sacrifice.

So that's the costume.

Jen's the may Queen, the girl, and I'm the bear. So we're walking down the street going to our rave and there's this fucking dude dressed like a bear and his wife is wearing one of those shirts. Now here's what I'm trying to say. Maybe is it cotton?

What is that?

Was it a shirt that they look crunchy like the like all those the things all those people wore in Midsummer wool. I don't think it was wool. It might have been wool, and I don't know, but paper, I don't think they were wearing paper.

Anyway.

There was a guy dressed like a bear and a girl wearing a shirt like that, and I stopped him, like, go, hey, look, same costume, same costume. He's like, oh, you're Winnie the Pooh. I go, no, aren't you guys Midsummer.

No.

It turns out the guy was Winny the Poo. The little baby was like Piglet, and the mother was just dressed dumpy for the evening.

She was York, it was. She wasn't in costume.

She just was a dumpy woman who maybe I hated Halloween but had to get the family out or something I don't know.

And she had to get her steps in.

So we get to the rave, right we walk in. Okay, this place looks like a neuro divergent prom.

Yeah it is. It's a rave.

It's people of questionable gender, intelligence, ethnicity, morals, allegiance to the UK. I mean, just like, I have no idea. Yes, it's just a collection of fucking weirdos. It looked like the bar in Star Wars. Okay, like cantina, Yeah, the cantina. It's fucking terrible, and we just ent. No, You'll never guess what I did the whole night.

You fucking stood in a corner with your arms crossed and talked about everybody.

Okay, what if I didn't have my arms crossed? What would I be doing?

You'd be stroking your chest hair with one hand and stroking your cock with the other.

Okay, based on my movie theater experience.

Oh yeah, you just can crushing more beers, double fisting them.

We're soon of a guy who drinks a lot of beer that makes them really cool.

I love that as a thing. Don't get me wrong.

I love Shane Gillis, and he really is like a guy who just is like, hey, let's drink a lot of beers. But that's not why I like him, because I don't really like Burt Kreischer.

Oh yeah, because he's he's a fucking guy who's all about drinking too many beers.

You know.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen him. He takes his shirt off and it's like, dude, just because you're drunk, come.

On, so we go we're at this prom and we enter ourselves into a fucking costume contest. Oh boy, that's pretty cool. Second mistake, The whole thing's a mistake. Everything's a mistake. It's all a mistake. It always is.

What was your competition? What other costumes did you? Did you see anything where you're like, okay, well, why why are you even bothering?

Well, here's what really fucking bothered me. What it turned out is everyone that was in there was either a local or fucking worked at the place.

Oh yeah, they're not going to vote for you because you're an outsider.

Fucking stranger. Yes, yeah, he was. Uh, you don't have any weird like uh, brands or marks, anything to signify that you're a freak like the rest of these people. I look relatively normal, so you know, if you haven't been driving for a while, so your eyes are straight walking on cross eight and ship they go one of us, one of us Google gobble. Uh, you had Luigi.

And whatever his bitch's name is, Daisy.

Oh dude, that's a ship costume right there. You agree?

Yeah?

I agree? Uh? You had.

Oh uh and Umpah Lumpa was this big fat ass guy and Willie Wonko, this big, fat, fucking woman, and they must have knew somebody because they won.

Ship out of here. There was this.

Okay, I think a lot of small towns have this because I've seen I know of the one like in Pennsylvania, the small little walking town we've talked about in New Hope. I know the person over there. I've known the person around here that did it. Have you ever seen like the people who have money in a small town and live there a long time so they feel like it gives them some form of status or something.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

So at the rave was this sixty something year old woman, maybe late fifties and looked like shit, but she was sixty something dressed in steampunk. That's ten years ago, you fucking dumb bitch with her younger, good looking but very obviously gay male partner.

M okay, so he's just like doing.

Army candy and probably is like an assistant for her, and then as her hair, probably gets an allowance or something, you know, because she's got money. But it's one of these bitches who think she owns the town. So like she comes in and she's talking to them at the front, and she's like, well, i'll get I'll get my wristband and i'll I'll come back after we get food, and he goes, yeah, sorry, the rule is, you know the

Yeah, he had a post, he had a shift, but he clugged in. Yeah, she was open. I don't know, And that's stunk.

And I drank like four or five six beers and then I.

Left, get in there. Oh all right, six okay, well, okay, you had those ones at the movie theater too.

Well that was the day before, but I did have beers earlier in the day.

I don't drink the rest of the year.

I go up to Salem and just every meal I have, I go, well, I'll just have a beer with this.

Oh dude, that's so cool. How you're able to shut that off when you get I am, yeah.

I'm very lucky. I can't do it with food, but I am very, very, very lucky to be able to do that with drinking.

Yeah.

I was thinking about it the other day and I was like, oh, man, it would be so cool if someone offered me a drink in front of my wife.

And then I looked at her and I was like, shouldn't.

I okay, I'm not encouraging you, obviously to start drinking.

But it would be cool to put her on the spot, right, and then when she feel like kind of obliged to be like, yeah, as long as you can handle it, and then I'll be like, yeah, yeah, totally, I'm changed.

Let me ask, do you think you're an alcoholic?

You not?

You? Not like the general you. I mean you Shane do you think you're an alcoholic for life or do you think you had an alcohol problem at the time.

Yeah, I mean I think I probably do.

You think it's possible for a person to have both of those things. I think I had an alcohol problem at the time. I was drinking every night, so.

I think, like, you change over time, so you can have an alcohol problem. So it's like, yeah, I think it's just better to think of it like you have it for your life and it goes into remission or something, right, And it's like, maybe you can drink responsibly later on.

So even.

If I want to dabble with other drugs or like smoke weed or take mushrooms here and there or something, I feel like that is okay. But going back and having any alcohol as like opening a door that I don't think I should open.

Sure, Yeah, I just I I never I never know how people see what they have, because like, you know, if you'd seen me midway through the pandemic, you'd be like, oh, this guy's a full blown alcoholic, and yeah you were, I just spent well, see, but I don't know. I think I was a binge drinker and then I had a lot more opportunity, and I understand that might fall under alcoholism or whatever.

Blah blah blah.

I don't know, but like, you know, spent the week drinking beers. Lots of beers too, Like so many you wouldn't even know how many beers.

That's cool. I like when you can't keep count of them, that's so cool.

We drank more beers than anybody ever drank in the history. Assailum oly, shit do an impression. That's pretty good, right.

No, I don't even know who that was.

Was that Jimmy Carter.

Jimmy Carter drank beer, I don't think so. I thought he just drank peanut oil.

I thought he drank come. Uh. So we're coming home, right, and I'm anxious. But the ride home is somehow easier. I don't know why it always is. I think the root Really yeah, it's not the same route going up as coming back, and I've tried to program it the same way and it just doesn't. But coming back, we're good. We're flying. We're doing two hour increments. Get out, grab

And he goes, yeah, it is, and she goes.

Okay, and she stands behind him and in front of me like I'm fucking nothing, I'm just trash, I'm garbage.

Well maybe she didn't see because you just, you know, you were blending all the other shit.

So I was thrilled, so fucking happy when the guy, the first guy up front, comes in and comes out and he's this Asian dude, and he's got this look on his face like he just saw the rest stop on the side of the Connecticut Turnpike or whatever covered and shit all over the floor.

Like he has a look like he just saw that the bathroom from the original candy Man movie exactly.

Yeah, he goes, it's really bad in there. That's never good man.

So then the guy ahead of me goes in and comes out with a look like oh, and then the woman that cut me off gets to go ahead and walk in first. I'm gonna send you a picture after this, and I'll put a picture on the Patreon. So I walk in after her, and there's a urinal six feet away against the wall that you walk into immediately, and I go, that's great. I'm gonna get as close as I can and piss into that and whatever falls on the floor, that's not my fucking problem.

Yeah, that's really establishment.

Here's what it is. The toilet is across the room, as is the sink. The toilet that this fucking pig that stepped in front of me decided she was gonna fucking use is against the wall. It is stocked to the brim in human shit and paper.

I mean I can see lugs poking out. Oh fuck. Okay, okay.

There's a sign above the toilet that says, please put all capitalized underlined. Please put all used paper products into the garbage can.

Even the toilet paper. Yeah, dude, how the fuck? What the fuck?

Yeah?

What the hell? Oh my god, Luckily Connecticut.

I'm pretty sure it's Maga country because these people don't follow no rules. So the toilet bowl was just full full of fucking paper towels jammed in there shit water. And what was nice is the drain was in the middle of the bathroom, right. What happened is all of this human ship and paper towels washed up through the drain and covered the entire floor that this woman had

Well, what was she wearing on her feet? I don't remember. You're right, I should have looked it was. It was pretty chilly, so it probably wasn't. But I we girls are so stupid, dude. They always wear open toes.

So I imagine she doesn't lift her foot high enough and it flings off and she just goes barefoot onto Oh.

Yeah, dude, that's happened to me, like in a like a locker room or like a public shower or something, and where you're supposed to be in water, and the water that flings up off the floor from my flip flops and lands on the back of my knees makes me want to go back into the shower and razor blade my flesh off before I wash it.

Yeah, sure, I get it, I get it. This was horrible, horrible, but it made me so heavy. That bitch was so oh, I get to cut this guy off. She probably thought he's a fat fucking loser.

Isn't he?

And then she gets in there and there's just dude shit everywhere everywhere.

She's like squatting above the full toilet bowl on her tippy toes and the shit water like you know, like pissing like over the oh the fucking bowl, like thinking, well, at least I didn't have to go in after that, heg exactly her toes, like pushing the mat of her flip flop in the shit water. It's like it's a sponge like absorbing all the shit water, which puts her weight back to normal. It's just gonna like suck all this shit water up off the ground.

My phone just died, but I'll charge it and send you the picture.

It's so gross.

And then towards the end, we are an hour away. We are next to MetLife Stadium where the Giants play. So we have gone all through all of that. There's been no incident and issues, nothing. Everything's nice. We stopped the Sleepy Hollow. We got some tacos, best tacos I ever had in my life. We get to the Turnpike

I will not be happy.

I just realized you shouldn't threaten people.

Are you there?

I think he's gone. I think I've been talking this whole time and he's not here.

Huh.

Anyway, hmmm. All right, well I'll finish the story. So I go to the UH. I get to the turnpike entrance. No, he's gone, gone wow, No he's boh barr Okay, all right. No. I talked the whole time and didn't even know you weren't here until I just looked up and went, oh, he's frozen. So did you hear anything I said? Would you word? You called that Meyer lady? Oh? Yeah, I called her and she gave me her email. So I'm

Okay, liquid nitrogen, he's something.

Yeah, he's not carrying a whole bunch of marshmallows in that fucking tanker truck.

I know that.

And he cuts me off to get to the UF. Everything's out of standstill because the football teams are.

Leaving the stadium.

I don't know if you heard I said that or not.

Yeah. Yeah, the Washington Redskins.

Yeah yeah, yeah, the Washington end Words or whatever they're called now.

I think it's called the Washington red Ends.

So so fucking this guy cuts me off to get to the entrance to get your ticket for the turnpike. Hey man, whatever, that's fine, But I'm starting to go cross eyed. We've talked about this because I'm an hour away, it's dark, and I've been driving for about five hours, five and a half hours now.

You mean crushing beers all day?

And I look and I see I didn't crush any beers that day. Day before. I crush quite a few beers, I believe. But I see the truck and I go, is this an optical illusion? Am I moving towards it? I even step on the break harder. I'm like, am I sliding? What is going on here? Why does this truck look like it's moving towards me? But then it had a weird blinker on and it was kind of throwing me for a loop. I'm really a retard. I'll just I'll admit that my eyes are crossed. Yeah, because

You were thinking about stuff that wasn't driving.

So I see this tanker truck and it's getting closer to me, even though it's ahead of me, and I go, what is going on here? And I lay on my horn and he just keeps getting closer into view. H's my fucking bumper, And I just hear crunch, crunch, and I go, fuck, caught your bones soccer. So I get out and I'm screaming like we're still at a standstill.

No one's ever had a good story that had the line I was standing on the side of the turnpike.

I had a good story one time. My mom broke down with us two kids when our dad didn't live with us anymore, and we were broken down on the side of the turnpike. Actually it was the highway, but we'll say it was the turnpike for this because it could have just as easily been the turnpike. And we saw a deer in the middle in the median, and

I just need someone to talk to.

I was maybe eight, Pat was maybe five four something like that. And we're standing on the side of the highway, blocked by the car. My mom's on thumbs. She's like, stay back here. She just didn't want us in the car.

She goes, look, kids, look there's a deer over there. Look, and we see a deer standing on the media. Just proud, I mean, just you know, real proud. She goes, look, kids, look, there's a deer. Look.

And we look, and as my brother and I look, and this is without a doubt why he did a lot of drugs and died from this instance. Here, the deer gallops strong, like a fucking character in a Disney movie, right into the middle of the highway and a suburban i mean, flows into this fucking deer and throws it over the back of it ten feet in the air. And c watches this there, and my mom's on the phone screaming at my hand. Oh oh my god, they just count babbe.

Really it's just like God is like, I swear to God that whole story is true. Your your aunt is on the other end like the Gestapo. It's just it's just so Yeah, that was a good story.

That was I was screaming on the side of the Oh, I guess it really wasn't a good story.

Huh uh. It's a funny history. It was just sad.

It's about the same kind of level of good as every other story that is involving people on the side of the turnpike.

It's good for some people looking in from the outside. But yeah, anybody in that snow globe pooh yeah, pray for death.

With that. Go to your Worst friend dot com. Follow us everywhere on Twitter and Instagram. At worst friendcastpatreon dot com says worst friend Casts, you get a bonus episode every week and access to everything ever recorded, entirely commercial free. Will be contacting this fucking bitchy lady at Lead Transport because my neck hurts after you, oh yeah, by that truck.

Well, oh wait, you're you're out on the side of the road yelling what happened? Did he fucking pull out a gun and shoot you?

That was my concern, by the way, I was, I was gonna go like stand to the side of the front truck truck, no to the side of it, because we're I mean, it's at a standstill. It's at zero, I'm in park and no one is freaking out about it because we're all at a standstill.

So I give a shit.

I could have gone up and like banged on his door or something, be like, hey, you crunched my fucking bump, But I didn't know. I don't know if this guy's got a gun under his fucking driver's seat or what.

He's some over the road truck driver. I think it's on the job description.

If you're a long haul trucker, you have to be like a multiple murderer at least.

I don't know about that. Then I think it just does what do you think he population under control? Man, it's it's truckers.

I don't think the almost populations under control. We need more truckers, yeah, truckers.

Yeah. I don't know the guy crunched my bumper.

That's because automated vehicles are replacing long haul truckers.

The AI doesn't They don't know how to do it right. It was really scary, though.

That guy could have just and I couldn't back up because there's someone like right behind me. I don't know that guy could have just fully crunched me. And what was I gonna do? I mean I just got out of the car, right.

Yeah, it's like slowly like backing up over your vehicle, like a destruction derby, like it's grave digger and you're like still stop just hawking your horn while it crushes your thighs and shit.

It's like being in one of those things like in breaking bead at like a at a fucking scrap yard where they except rush machine, except the door just opens and no one's really watching, like no one cares that you're you know, it's fine.

You can just get out a couple lifeless, dull people just trying to get home so they can watch Jeopardy.

All right, we're gonna wrap this up. Uh.

For your worst friend, I'm Matt. I actually am a fan of Jeopardy. Great, who do you prefer? Miam?

Who would you rather fuck? Miam be Alec or fucking Ken Jennings?

Oh dude, Alec in his prime. But if we're going living or like current day status, I'll take Ken. Ken looks pretty good for fifty eight.

For your worst friend, I'm Matt, I'm Shane. Thanks for listening.

We'll see you next week.

You don't follow us all cru You're really gonna miss Yougaut when the show's over.