M let me finish. This is the first time I committed a hate crime.
Maybe they'll jerk my dick off or something like that.
Yeah, probably we've disgusted. I'm associate bath any thrashed relationship, any trash ship.
You're a worst friend.
Do you want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking problems you hang around with. You're listening to your Worst Friend with Shane and Matt.
I'm Mat.
I'm joined today by my friend and co host Shane.
Oh guys, I'm Clay. First.
You don't understand how bad you already sound that when you fucking pull your face apart like you were quote unquote Clayface, the character from Batman. Have you been watching The Penguin at all?
By the way, what the fuck would I watch that for?
Okay, see it sounds bad when you touch the mic.
Why would I watch that show about the Penguin?
Go to your Worst Friend dot com follow us everywhere on Twitter and Instagram at worst friend cast Patreon dot com worst Friendcast. You're gonna get a bonus episode every week access to everything ever recorded, entirely commercial free. I watched the first episode of that Penguin show.
I should have called it the Blunkin it was.
It was actually pretty good.
I liked it.
Did I just saw your text that just says fuck with a thousand US and four hundred c's.
And a bunch of k's.
Thanks for that, Thank you?
Yeah for sure? Why Why is the Penguin interesting as a show?
Like?
Is there even Batman?
It's not. It just wasn't horrendous. It was and it wasn't as let's put it this way, it wasn't as bad as other uh DC properties lately. I'll put it that way, like, what did you see? How much? Fucking man? All right? Do we need to discuss your new pen? First of all? Because I didn't bring that up last week? I didn't know if you want me talking about it? Shall we not talk about it?
What about my new pid?
I don't know what that is?
So I could smoke weed?
I know, I know, people, you blew it right into the mic.
What are you gonna do? Just not breathe?
But what is it used to have? Some big you're hitting at every other breath?
Man? Well, I'm just trying to get all the weed out of it.
Okay, all right? What is this thing?
It's like this thing. It's got a little ceramic tip. You touch the tip to your concentrate, heats the concentrate, sucks up the little tube. You fucking suck the smoke in your lungs, and then that creates a chemical change inside your brain that makes you smart. It makes you better at fucking at least.
Okay, all right, yeah, yeah, Okay.
My best when I just lay there and let him do what he wants.
Okay, all right, I got a couple of videos here for you. We're gonna start off with a transactivist. No, this is not hey, let's come down on trans people.
Yeah it is.
Okay, all right, fine, then got this freak out? All right, you're right. I need to be more tolerant. I need to be more accepting. Yes I do. I really do. I feel like I do.
I'm just gonna be I feel like you're kind of a pussy with that stuff lately.
Actually, I'm just gonna try and be more accepting, more loving, more caring. I'm gonna agree with what these people say because they know what's best.
Right, Maybe let's see see what they think. No, just agree with this person wholeheartedly. All right? Yeah, Well, I see I didn't see the dress. Now that I see their fucking fashion and style choices, I'll wholeheartedly agree with them, just on principle.
So do you remember last year, a couple of years ago something like that, there was the trans person that went to the salon. No, what is it called when you get your fucking asshole and pussy waxed?
Oh, the fucking vegetician, yeah, magician vegician yeah yeah, uh, this trainee, the magic vegician.
They went there and they were like, I'm a woman, I need to get my balls waxed. And then the people there were like, no, we no wax balls.
We know do that? Well, okay. I remember having some pushback on that because my wife was had a cosmetology license, and I mean, if you open your own business, you're free to set the rules, right, but like in cosmetology school, it's like you got to wax everything like dick balls, asshole, pussy nipples, armpits, Like you got to learn how to
wax all this shit. You got to get all up in every fucking orifice for every gender, because that's what that's what you need to get your license, you know, that's what it's required to have your actual license to practice practice cosmetology, at least in the state. So that's why they teach that curriculum. And then the bitch who used to wax my balls an asshole. I mean she was, she was a chick, and she pretty much only whax dudes.
And well, you know, we asked her, like, do you ever have weird guys coming in here and being freaks? She's like, yeah, every once in a while, but I just you know, I get my gun out of my bag and tell them to leave.
Okay, all right, but see, just a separate point. That was funny.
I give you that.
But some people might say that actual thing and be like, I'm serious, like it makes me nervous. I don't not comfortable blah blah blah.
And yeah, that's that's the right. As a business owner, those.
People's discomfort should also be taken into account. So I will I will put a correction. They went viral, right, because actually they did get bottom surgery.
You see, Oh that's hot. I like how it's all like square. I like how different shades or colored square.
That's oh see though, like what a fence, I like those fat person legs when you start getting the black marks. I learned what that is. What I was scared I was going to get that if I was too fat, And that's one of the reasons I started losing weight. I was scared of getting that. That's like early pre diabetes stuff. That's like your skin cells something with a melanoma. They're getting too much but not releasing or they're doing something.
I don't know, but it's not a good sign. When your fucking skin starts turning, you start doing a reverse Michael Jackson, I mean it makes you cooler. Don't get my hats.
Just a big fat guy I had that black skin on his legs and they called it jocketch.
No, that's not jockech. Those there stretch marks.
Well, everyone's got stretch marks a black but.
I will not be posting a link to this in the episode description. Uh, you're gonna want to just look up Jessica yaniv y A n I V those are I told you I looked that up. That's a fat marks, I would call them, and these are stretch marks, also known on men as fat marks as well.
Oh, I thought you were gonna say tiger stripes.
Tiger stripes. Uh, all right, so you you know, you agree business owners should be able to but it's okay to you know, this person should be.
Heard, and you know, yes, I also already committed one hundred percent to whatever this person in the beautiful brown and purple and brown and gold dress said. Okay, henigger, nigger, nigger, fuck you. I have a picture of your kid on here, by the way, I want to see you like that like that. Okay.
Context context is this is the reporter, Drea Humphrey, an African American, African Canadian potentially woman because this is rebel news. I'm not and I thought that, lady, do you have an African accent?
No?
No, let's say, why would that justify it at all?
Yeah, because then she would be But if not, she's just fucking Canadian. You don't have to acknowledge. Oh wait, does that mean the same thing up there?
Maybe not. Maybe it's a different context.
Yeah, maybe yeah. Maybe it's just like what they call their.
Right.
Yeah.
Maybe it's like how we have ham and then they have Canadian bacon. Here there's reporters and there there's the I'm not going to say it. Sure, I almost let it slip out when I said report and artists because I was like thinking, like I was getting it ready, I was gunning it up. But I was like, oh no, no, I can only say that in Canada.
When we were kids, my dad used to call reporters Canadians. It's kind of ironic. He'd be like, like, we'd go down the beach and he'd be like, God, damn, there's a lot of Canadians down here. I see. Canadians never throw their trash away. There's little chip bags everywhere because of the Canadians. Stuff like that. Let's hear her accent. At the Surrey Provincial Courthouse, I have my bodyguards by my side. I'm going to be bringing you a She could not have been Canadian. Yeah, so that was again.
I'm not making any point about why this person shout at these things, but this person definitely had their opinion. And a picture of that girl's child on their phone.
That's what I'm wondering, Like, is she coming out of the police station because she was just raping the reporter's child or something, and they she's out on bail right now, Like why does she have these pictures? And why do they give her the phone back?
Let's see years ago, Yan I went viral internationally over her legal campaign against women's salons that went it Wax yan Vin's men and j Male Jenna person.
Yeah, oh but they have a pussy now.
Yeah.
Oh so, so just go get wax and stop calling people reporters.
What the fuck I'm thinking this. I'm thinking this person had some other kind of legal trouble, though.
I'm hinking so too. I mean, they they did mention that they have pictures of children on their phone, children that are not their own.
That generally leads to a prison time or at least talking to the police at the police station.
Come on, man, it looks like remember on the Drew Carrey Show there was the me me me me, Yes, Yeah, it looks like MEMI, yeah.
Mimi dropping the N word. That's that's a rough one.
Something I didn't know I needed until I saw it.
Let's see, I don't know. I got a couple of longer ones. Let me play this quick one here. I don't know what this guy's fucking deal is, but he speaks to an entire generation of people that feel the way I do.
Okay, well, start dressing his way.
He's got a cool plaid is that sear sucker? I don't even know.
He's got a plaid blazer, but.
Like pastel plaid a little bit but fancy, not trashy.
Yeah, But then the hat, it's like, it's like the kind of thing you would wear in a Cormick McCarthy novel.
He's got a ten thousand gallon hat and he's he's smoking a sig though, that's pretty cool. He's burning one down. That does make him look cool. He relates to how I feel every day though, So I want to play this club.
Although the way I see it, twenty first century has nothing to offer me. It's absolute hell every single second. Just hey, every second I'm awake. So if I can just avoid the twenty first century, just completely get it out of the picture entirely, I'm doing a good thing.
What about the modern age makes it unbearable to you?
Well, everybody's an idiot. You can't do nothing without somebody giving you a hard time. Fun is pretty much entirely illegal. There's no air of planes where you can smoke with the lingerie lunches.
Ain't none of that anymore.
There's an absolute lack of any sense in the general population. Everybody's just crummy, walking around looking like freaks. I don't care for them one bit. Sound these parts is pretty much one of the only places north of the Mason Dixon you'll find any single person with any defining characteristics whatsoever. Do you have no idea how difficult it is to have an actual conversation around he The people are no good. They're no good whatsoever. The Internet's a bad place for
bad people. They can all scram.
Let me, let me alone, he answered with they can all scram. I agree with this.
Ah, scram such a good word. I got to use that more.
I was in I was in wah Wah the other day and I was I was ordering gene sandwich and I was getting something else. I forget what else, And from behind me it was like, I, I'm not gonna take stolen valor here and say I know what it's like for a school shooter. Okay, I'm not gonna steal.
Valid for the shooter themselves.
Or I had a Tim Waltz moment there. Uh No, I am not friends with any school shooters, and I was not putting myself in their their footsteps. That wasn't a shot at Tim Watz. He said that, And I think it.
Was just a miss I remember that. Yeah, he makes mistakes. It happens, just like all politicians. I'm in wah Wah and I'm ordering on the little kiosk now the time. By the way, you asked earlier off the air wah Wah versus Quick check sandwich. Do you have anything even reminiscent of that out there? Is there like a like
circle k or like any of those place. It's like a almost kind of a deli convenience store, go ahead, like a deli convenience store, but they also make sandwiches, you know, So there was there was one place like that. So there's a couple of good sandwich shops, but not as many as back home, but there was one place.
And yeah, it was one place that was similar to the quick check huah Wah style where it was a gas station slash mini mart slash sandwich shop, and it was Deli Town sandwich fucking at the mobile What was it inside the chevron station? Yeah, Deli Town, And I think it still exists, but it's different owner now, and it's kind of like you see, I explained it to
my wife. It's like when we first went there. We went there a few times, and the sandwiches were so fucking good, and it was I was like, this is just like wah wah, you know, so fucking good. And then this new guy took over, and not only was he an asshole and stingy with the portions, but the food just wasn't good anymore. Just stop tasting good. I don't know if he switched ingredients or some shit, but yeah,
just turned into quick check. It happened. It was the full evolution of the gas station sandwich happened before our eyes.
So I don't want people to be confused if they don't have these stores there. These aren't gas station sandwiches in the way like a mobile has like a little heater with like little chicken arms or whatever that they eat it up in a microwave.
This is like a big ass cheeseburger.
This is it's almost a step up from subway.
Oh you know we have Maverick. I actually, okay, we do have. You have Mavericks on the East coast.
We don't here. I'm going through some here. You don't have sheets, I assume right. Quick trip no quick trip spelled a different way. No, okay, BUCkies, no United Dairy Farmers.
It sounds like someone who's ends me mail?
All right, then, no, you don't have that.
We have maps where they So it's like the same thing as a wah war. It's like a big convenience type Mini Mark gas station when you go inside, but instead of having a thing where they make you sandwiches, I think they do burritos.
That's cool.
Yeah, they do like sausage burritos and shit at breakfast, and then they do fucking like com burritos at lunch.
That's pretty cool. I can appreciate that. So, again, not to steal valor, but I understand what it's like to be in the middle of a school shooting. I'm standing there, ordering my back towards the door, which I fucking hate. I understand that some like wop thing from fucking Guinea movies or whatever. I don't care. I don't like it. I don't like having my back to the door for this very reason.
Looking over my shoulder.
Yeah yeah, no, yeah, no, no, I don't want anyone looking over my shoulder. Oh So, anyway, I'm there.
And I just hear my War's all.
I just hear from behind me give me my fucking money, you fucking piece of shit, And I hear liket and I go, oh no, oh boy. So like every American, my first thought is fucking gotta get my camera up quick, get the camera.
God, I still haven't become that American. It's still so I dude. I saw a homeless couple fighting in the street the other day and I was like, a good thirty yards away. I would have been safe. I just felt so weird. Videotape in it. You're tough.
I oh, well, I mean I did it discreetly and I hold it up. The video was to capture the audio if I could. It's a video of like under my chin, like I put it on the counter, but it's just like your neck and all this it is like it is yeah, pretty much, but uh I couldn't get it.
But give me my fucking money, you coward. By He goes, I know you have it. I have all the fucking receipts, and I'm like, WHOA, what is going on?
Dude?
Who works? I guess the pumps or something at the like the gas pumps. Fucking beard down to like his chest but like stout, like if you told me. He retired to work at Wah Wah, having done forty years at sea as like a long shortman. I'd go, yeah, all right, I got that.
Okay.
He comes in screaming give me my fucking money to this six foot five Puerto Rican dude behind the sandwich counter bus. I'm thinking this Puerto Rican is gonna just step on this guy, like really fuck him up. But the guy's screaming, coming in, pointing and fast walking too. Not the kind of walk where you make it look like you're walking fast because you're hoping they'll get scared, yeah, but like really like he wants to get there.
He's trying to keep up.
He gets behind the counter and he starts chesting up to this guy. He starts going, why are you hiding behind the counter, you fucking coward? But I mean real serious words, and the Spanish guy's going, oh, man, I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking I don't know. But he kept screaming, I have the text, I have the fucking receipts. I know you have my fucking money.
What oh I was gonna say that guy probably fucked his girl. Well maybe he did fuck his girl, and it's like you fucked her this day this day, I have to text for it. It's one hundred and fifty dollars every fuck I have all these receipts.
I want my money for every time he fuck my girl. Maybe it's like maybe the Puerto Rican guy is a cock, and the old guy fucks the Puerto Rican guys girl, and then he's supposed to Venmo and or cash app him and he goes.
I've been fucking your wife on credit for three weeks. Now you owe me four.
Fifty and make you five hundred because I had to track your ass down.
Uh no, they were both employees. And then some girl steps in from the old man. It goes like, Jim or whatever his name is. Jim, Jim, you're gonna get fired. You're gonna get fired. He was, I don't even give a fuck anymore. Well, I mean it.
Well, then you're gonna be down even more money, Jim.
It was Jim, I don't know that you're the most financially savvy person.
Yeah, you're you're like hard up for the four hundred and fifty bucks you fucked out of in K's wife. You know, maybe maybe you should just try and hold onto this job until Enrique comes through.
Jim's not good with money.
He's just not good at money. It soon he's like and he's a mess.
Uh yeah, so that was interesting.
That was and then they just broke it up after that.
Yeah.
Yeah, like most things, it didn't end in some grand finale. It was a dud beforehand, but it was build up.
Was fun. I fucking hate that though, Dude. I wish one day like Jim would just pull out a fucking AK forty seven and just it's empty. He's just making that sound, just rack everybody, Okay, everyone's running in fear, and he's just like la la, just like pretending, and then you know, the cops kill him. So I got my haircut yesterday. I know it looks nice. You like you look like a Hitler youth? Yeah, do it?
Okay, all right, Jews will not replace us. Jews will not.
Look like Richard Spencer. That's right, oh man.
Richard Spencer's as gay as they come.
Yeah, he's not even popular anymore. You gotta you gotta be if you want to be really controversial with your racism, you gotta have a last name like Twentis.
It's so it's so crazy to me that Nick Fuentez he's any kind of white supremacist. Maybe he's like a plant. Maybe that's like bullshit.
Like they put on their before. He's pretty fucking racist. You think he's pretending.
Oh yeah, I think he's like a fed So that way they can say, you know, oh, Puerto Ricans can be white supremacists too.
Yeah. Leave it to the Feds to pick a guy like Nick Fuentez to be there their point.
But that's the point you put him there. He's obnoxious, he'll say whatever he wants because he's a fame whore and then or whatever you want him to say, and then you can then point to him and be like, oh, that guy's a Hispanic. We can just grab anyone for white supremacy. All blacks are in now, that's what they say.
Or how about that that one.
Uh, there's one proud boy that got into a fight with somebody and got sentenced to four years on a hate crime. He I think he beat up a white guy and his wife and two kids. And the guy who's going to prison for the hate crime his wife and two kids are black, Like I mean like black, he beat up the wife and kids. No, he beat up another white guy. Some antifog guy or something and maybe well maybe he was a Hispanic. I don't know what the whole song.
I don't know what the whole thing is with the hate hate crime law on how it applies in that particular case. But I know, like you're gonna, you know, beat someone up real bad, like four years is you know, that's a sentence that sounds kind of reasonable and in a lot of places not all, but yeah, dude, assaults and violent it gets taken seriously.
So yeah, I'm not I'm not defending well it does, so I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not defending to me that. I'm just saying I don't think he's a white supremacist.
Right, I'm just saying. I wonder how much that hate crime law affected the actual sentencing, you know, That's all I want to know.
Doesn't it double it?
I don't know. I'm not sure how it works.
I thought that's how it worked. I thought in every state.
It's that way much more.
No, probably not time. Uh do crimes and to a sentence, the amount of additional time, and it's the sentences for hate crime varies depending on the jurisdiction.
Yeah, dude, they probably get it was probably like a four year sentence for the hate crime and like only two days for the assault.
You know, probably yeah, again, I'm not defending that guy.
Stop bating.
So I went to go get my haircut, and it was one of those things I got a I yet fucking I registered online like so it puts you in line and they closed it four and I got there at three point thirty.
Now, easy ass barbershop.
Like most barbershops, it was actually just Great Clips.
That's where I go, Oh, that's not a barbershop.
That's a mostly official endorsement, except for these four or five times they've specifically just said I'm not gonna do that, and then just something different.
Let me revise my comments on your haircut. Now that I know that you got your haircut Great Clips, I am actually quite impressed. That's a bomb ass haircut for Great Clips. Hey, Great Clips has fucked my shit up every time I on there.
So one time I went with Jen and the girl goes, Jen goes to get her hair cut and I do it, and we're both kind of like back to back and I go, Okay, what I want is just a number one on the sides faded up scissors on the top, and if you could give me a hard part over here, that would be great.
And the one Yeah, so that's what it's called hard part.
Hard part. Yeah, yeah, So I don't have that right now, actually, and I didn't have that's the last No, it's it's there's no line drawn.
Is it's just a comb over or put an undercut or whatever it is.
I eat whatever, fade up is what I always say. I don't know what it is, but I I I said that. I. I also did not have a hard part the time I asked for it. When I went to Great Clips, like four or five times ago. The woman goes, I don't I don't think we should do that, and I go, oh, I would like it. I would like a hard part. She goes, I can't really do that.
Uh so she was honest, dude, imagine if she fucking scalped your ass trying to do it. Because they use the razor blade.
The woman had Jen behind her, another woman had Gen behind her, and Jen's like, yeah, I wanted to do bangs and the woman goes, oh, those won't look good on your face, and Jen goes, Okay, I still want bangs, and she goes no, and Gen goes there just a trim up then, so she couldn't.
Even be honest and say she doesn't know how to do it. She's she just made a Gen's problem.
Either your face up, or she's a gun, or she's a crummy person like that guy in the fucking cowboy hat said.
Yeah, I think it's probably a mixture all three.
So we talked about it on the Patreon last week. It was supposed to be me talking about an incident I had having to go to a thing, and it kind of devolved or evolved into an assessment of my whatever kind of mental illness where I feel the need to always be what is it please you? So there was a claret Yeah. See there's a difference I think than what I am. I don't care if people are pleased. I want to feel good knowing I did the thing that I feel is right to be considerate of the situation.
Like if I hold a door for someone and they say thank.
You very much, recognition for that?
No, no, no, I don't want recognition from them you iowledge. I want self satisfaction that I did the right thing, that I that I that I had manners or I was polite or I was whatever, because it makes me feel good to have those things. So I walk into Great Clips and it's three point thirty again. They close it for and I see one girl sweeping up, and I'm telling Jen as we're driving there, I'm breaking down
the scenarios in my head that i'm playing out. I go, if we walk in and the lady says it's no problem, then I'll get my haircut. And if she kind of scoffs at all or does any kind of like unfortunate thing, I'm just gonna say, you know what, don't worry about it. It's okay, have a nice day. And if she fights with me on it, if she says something like a like you know, no, no, it's okay.
I can take you.
I can take you. But if her tone seems kind of negative, I'm just gonna let her know no, thank you, I'm good. And then if she asks me why, like why what's wrong? I would just say, well, your your attitude isn't really selling. This is all I'm saying this out loud to the woman that lets me fuck her, like she must be like holy shit, like where did I pull this one out of it?
Must be as zoned out as I am right now.
It's okay, that's you know, all right, talking about science for a while. You do that.
I'm just fucking with you, dude. Just you know, when you talk like a chick, you know, I just like, you know, I just kind of zone out, like when my wife's talking. I'm just like, huh yeah, oh yeah, you should do.
That, uh chick talk. Okay, that's of our new show. So anyway, now into our now, into our segment about dreams. Yeah, and after that we'll do the tarot cards, horoscope, heriscope. Oh oh yeah, weekly terror readings, also horoscopes. See how they go?
Oh my god, dude, why don't we fucking do this as our show? And then yeah, I don't bitches to watch our show.
I don't know why we don't. Okay, I'll fucking add a third show. I only got two episodes to edit tonight or something else. We just stopped doing the regular whatever we do and just do the horoscope thing, right, Okay, I was drinking coffee, Give me a second, give me a yes, right, yeah, it's not a terrible idea. Rebranding show. Yeah, Joe, somebody, it's Joe something. Okay, let's Joe somebody, but that's his band.
So I'm playing all these scenarios out and Jen's like, okay, whatever you need to do, that's fine, you know, whatever makes you happy. So I go in and I go, uh, hey, you know, I wanted to get a haircut. But if you guys are closing up soon, like I totally understand, don't worry about it, bah blah. And the girl behind the counter scoffs, and I go fuck. I go, no, for real, if you guys have done don't swatch.
She goes no, no, no, no no.
But she was positive about it. She goes, you're good, you're good, She'll take it down here, don't worry about it. So I'm the Then an Indian guy walks in like right after me, and he's like, oh the haircut, and the cool woman goes as Jennin Aire's in and they're about to go to the back. The woman just goes, we're closed, you can come back tomorrow and sends him out. But I was I was signed in online already, that's why.
Oh yeah, how do you know he wasn't. But then I'm signed in and she's like pushing him out. The door. But please, I put in my name. It's Poto, It's.
Mook, It's Mohammed. Uh fucking cause you know one's gonna be on there.
Oh yeah, there's there's at least one registered on the site. Yeah.
Anyway, Uh so the woman's cutting my hair and she's doing what I fucking despise, small talk, but not actually engaging in small talk, Like if you're going to small talk already, weather's been really nice lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the weather has been really nice. Did you do anything this summer? But that's how you sate small talk. Okay, then we can have a discussion. She's asking me a question and responding as I'm giving the answer, but not
a back and forth. It's a total just memory. Every line is being a race from her memory as I say it, and she's just rev up the agreement.
So so uh it's like a recorder is on one point two five speed.
Tell me like five steps for taking down that tree in the backyard you're doing.
I took the branches, Yeah, oh yeah.
For sure, branches so so important.
Yeah. I used a ladder to climb up, and I had this surreal.
High always it's so it's so high in the here.
You know, I don't have an axe, but I was.
So sorry, done, I'm done. That's but that's what she's doing. And it gets awkward to the point where she's like, I had to drive blah blah blah blah blah to get COVID tested, and I was like, oh yeah, and I never I never jump into shit in public. I just go COVID crazy time for everyone, Right, that's my line, just small talking crazy time for Then if she starts going like, look I got long COVID, this ship's real I can buy, I'll be I'll listen. I'll be like, oh yeah, tell me about it.
So what are you doing, you bitch?
Get away? Or if she's a vaccine vaccine skeptic, I'll be like, yeah, let's talk some shit. Let's go fucking blood brain barrier lead, you know what I'm talking about that daddre.
Head off.
So yeah, So but she's she's not even she's hired to go down South. I go to Long COVID go yeah, you know, crazy time for everyone. She's like, how did your parents do through COVID? And I was like, well, we're coming up on the two year anniversary or three No. One two year anniversary of my dad passing, and or No. I start with my mom. I'm like, she's retired, she's just cleaning up around the house. And one goes, oh, yeah,
it's important, it's important to do that. Uh I go, I go, uh, you know, coming up on the two year anniversary and my dad passing, actually you know, it was pretty unexpected. And she just goes, oh, yeah, you know, just keep on moving. What are you gonna do? You know, hey, don't worry about it. You'll everyone will be fine. Just keep all moving. Who's fucking to me, dude, I exactly. She was hitting her fucking vap pen and she was clipping my hairs one at a time with fucking pocket knife scissors.
Well it's got to be hard. I'm not trying to fucking make this bitch bit better or anything. And she did do a good job in your hair, but uh, it's like the the whole socialization thing. It's like, you might be good at doing hair, you might enjoy it, but you might fucking not be good at talking to people. You might hate it, And yeah, that would be tough for me. I think for a while, at least while I was getting used to working in a salon or something.
It would be talking to fucking strangers all the goddamn time for an extended period of time. And I'm already like, I already have such an issue engaging people when they tell me like bad news. So I'm always like whenever someone tells me, like in a conversation where it's not like at my wife's party recently, like some guy was like, yeah, you know, in a couple of years ago, before I moved out here, you know, that was when my dad had died, so I had to get rid of all
his things. It's like, I I sorry that he isn't alive anymore. You know. It's like I don't know what to say to that.
I wasn't going to bring it up if she didn't ask, like how my parents were. I get that, and I get it's like a hammer to drop on someone, but it's also not a crazy hammer. I'm not some twelve year old kid being like my dad. Oh no, I'm not saying you are saying. I'm just saying.
It's just one of these things where it's like in my head, it's like, hey, don't talk about death, I'm cutting your hair. Talk about fun, stuff like pussy and lollipops, you know. But yeah, it's a totally normal thing for people to talk about. I just don't really know how to exchange in those things. And she's probably more of the pussy and lollipops kind of a hairdresser.
She was definitely more of a pussy and lollipops type. I would agree she uh, she was. She did a fine job whatever. I don't know's I like, that's real? That's really all I had on that is just uh, yeah, I gotta shave the beard though down at least because look, I had to give me a hard line.
Yeah it looks stupid like that. Yeah, you gotta fix it.
Yeah, I'm gonna trim all this done, nice little go tig.
Yeah, I'm thinking about growing a beard back. But it's just like such a fucking stupid commitment, you know. And then I'm always like in the fucking bathroom, like trimming it and shit and trying to get it even, and then I fuck it up and then I'm like, god damn it, and I have to start over, and I'm thinking, maybe maybe it's time to fucking be cool again.
Do you grow good facial hair?
It's it gives the impression of growing good.
Look does it look? Is that is that decent?
Well, I mean it gives the impression at least I have to get up in your face to know. Oh, so, like I have like all these patches on my face where hair doesn't really grow, but then when the shit grows out, it's all like bushy and coarse, and it grows in all these different directions in any like areas that would normally like appear patchy, they're covered. You know. It's like I have a fully covered It's almost like
how a black guy would have a beard. You know, I'm gonna have a black person's beard.
I was gonna say like Chinese pubic hair, but I think that's more straight.
Yeah, that's more like like a broom, like a wet or a wet mop.
Well, those are two different things, Like a hard bristle broom and a wet mop are polar opposites.
Well, I guess it just depends on I wanted want to. Yeah, it's bristly and sharp when it's dry, but then you wet it and it's all you know, it really retains the water.
Okay, that's fair.
It doesn't beat off like a like a broom.
Broom hare. I'll tell you what my dad used to talk about the Canadians with their broom hair. Oh man.
Uh yeah. My dad used to always mention to me, reporters never trust a reporter. Yeah, room hair, bristle fucking mustaches.
I don't don't ever play three card Monty against some reporter with bristle hair.
Okay, I'll never wind up in a cell with a report. Uh.
Anyway, did you ever have a retail job you said something interesting in there bad at small talking this and that. Did you ever have a retail job that you liked the product you were selling because you're not a car guy. You worked AutoZone, You're not a shoe guy. You also got kicked out of that interview. They let you know how target you were in that sense.
I did like some of the sales atmosphere at AutoZone when it was like that. There was like transitional periods while I worked there. So there was there was one store I worked at where it was brand new, like I helped open the store, put it together and everything, and then for like the first year maybe that particular
store didn't have any like sales pressure. It was all about establishing like a baseline, So they were just like letting traffic flow naturally for about a year to kind of gauge what their targets were going to be and stuff, and so they just didn't push us as employees for that first year to really try and upsell a lot or anything. And I would. I would swap around store
so I would see the different mentalities. And I loved working at that store because it was always like somebody would come in, you could shoot the shit, you could like you could recommend an actual product that you would think would do the job and not have to like tack anything on. It felt authentic. So I did like that.
So I actually know that's not what I meant at all. Have you ever sold a product? I don't mean like sales wise. I didn't give a shit about sales numbers either, Like I never gave a fuck about them. But I sold products at best Buy that I was interested in. I like big TVs, I like cameras, I like computers like this and that, And it made it easier to engage in small talk with people because it was like
shit you were interested in. Like I assume if you worked in a music store you would be able to engage in small talk a little maybe a little bit better, because I mean, what are you going to talk about with a guy? You know he needs a new fucking car battery?
Right?
Yeah?
I just never hearn exactly. I've never, I really never had that retail outlet for any of my interests, you know That's what I mean.
Yeah, Well, what would have been a retail outlet for your interest, like an old nineties like music use.
Bookstore, okay, motherfucking yeah, like a musical instrument type store, yeah, record store or some shit.
It's shit like that, And it's in restaurants. Now. I've never directly worked in a restaurant. I worked the kitchen for like a catering type thing, So I've been in restaurant atmospheres, but I've never been like, you know, back of the house of like a busy, active restaurant. It's shit like that where you really learn to small talk. You learn how to just pick up on one little thing and go, how the fuck are we going to
pass the time of this shift? The whole idea is just banging through that shift as quickly as you can. And I think it's a lot easier if you like give a shit or have an interest in what you're selling. You know, could you work at a week place? Or do you not care about it enough?
I don't really give a shit about weed. I just want to get high off of it.
Okay, okay, So you wouldn't care about like that. You couldn't be like a bud tender or whatever they.
Call, and I could. It'd probably be easier.
You wouldn't. You wouldn't have any interest in it though, I wouldn't.
Be that interested. No, just to be like, how high does it get you? You know, whenever the new stuff came out. That's how I'm really high. Oh cool, I'll recommend that one to our our customers. Then this one is really good for getting really high? How about this one?
This one doesn't get you as high though.
That one's about eight on a ten scale of highness.
I'm looking for something around a seven. Do you guys have anything?
Sorry, we've only got six? Is eight and nine?
Oh man?
What am I going to do? Should I just?
Did you guys have ones as well?
You know, you got to break a seven thought with the sixth or something.
You gotta break a sixth off of the sixth.
Now it's a seven. I'm pretty sure you want to have seven. You want to be at a seven?
Man, I would fucking hate. I dealt with someone the other day. I can't remember who it was, but as much as I get annoyed by bad cashiers, I left there going that person needs to stop being so fucking jolly. It really annoyed me, and I can't think of what it was.
Yeah, That's why I'm not good at those social things, because I'm thinking, like in my head, like, oh, they're gonna think I'm too jolly and they're gonna fucking spit on me.
I don't think they're gonna spit on you.
That's a salt brother, all right, Billy Madison. But no, they could. They could. They could just you know, like some people talk and then the spit comes out and then they're like, oh, sorry, I talked, real fucking gross. Yeah.
I get another question for you here. I've been seeing this a lot in in the town we grew up in, they installed uh bike lanes. Okay, here's the issue.
We got them all out here.
Yeah, well the people out here don't know how to use them yet, so they just kind of cut across the street in the middle of.
It, and that's what I want.
That's yeah, that's chaos. Then's what I want. Chaos. Uh So I saw this video this cyclist, right, you don't call them bikers, and this kid recorded it, and I wanted to see if we could do a breakdown on when you would lose it?
Which one?
Uh say, you're the guy the kid, I think he's a seventeen year old kid is maybe what the news story was. But he apparently passed this guy in his bike lane in a way the guy felt it was too close. Okay, so the guy follows him to his parking spot and then does this.
No, you're a fucking dude, literally stop, No, I call him the police, and you're not leaving.
You're not leaving.
He's already gone with you too far? Right, don't you just nail this guy? Push him backwards. I fucking punch him in his glands, in the glands of his penis.
He's a seventy two, seventy three year old man. I'm sorry. It was not a kid. It was a twenty two year old. His name is Pierce Kempton though, and that's a douchebag name.
Yeah, what is he a blogger?
But he does have dirt bag tattoos, also known as Shane tattoos. But I'm just kidding.
He's like, very I have really classy, like artful tattoos. Man, Oh, I agree with a fucking asshole.
It's not about the quality of them. It's about the placement and subject matter.
Oh it's trashy to have him on your arms.
I get it, because then you can't get an office job.
Oh my god. I love that clip of Joe Ran where he's like, man, these kids today, Man, they're getting the tattos in their face and on their necks. And it's like, sure, I got my arms, but I can cover it with their shirt and all this. But it's like, these kids today, can you imagine how fucking crazy you got to be to get your hands tattooed? As I sit there on my phone, you know, like holding my phone with two tattooed hands, and I'm like, I literally
working in office, Joe, Like, I don't. I mean, it's not that I'm I'm disagreeing with the idea of what he's saying, per se, but it's like, I think the world's just a little different now, you know, Like, sure, I see people with tattoos just everywhere on their body, fucking everywhere. Now, just like EMTs. I see fucking hospital staff with those fucking piercings, you know where, it's like the surface piercing those girls.
Fuck. By the way, I've only recently heard this that nurses. I've never known the cliche nurses are like cheaters and this and that and whatever. This makes me real thrilled to get out of my high school relationship. Fucking pig. But those some of those nurses got tight bodies and piercings exactly, or they have the I've even seen the dermals in the.
Cheek, yeah, the cheeks. Yeah.
But but there's got to be some line. And this is coming from a guy with a wife with thirteen tattoos, and I think what's about to become pretty much a full body covering at some point once stuff shakes out. We've already been talking about like a jacket.
She's gonna get a jacket tattoo.
Yes, no, I don't know. She'll get whatever she wants. But here's the point. If you get murderer tattooed on your forehead, oh yeah, that does say something.
That's different than getting like kindness tattooed on your forehead. Right, Yes, there's a difference. It is, but it's kind of in the same basket. Okay, it doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person, but it's you know, you know, the classic syntax versus semantics debate, Right, is it the is it the is it the the word mental or the meaning of the word you know, like it's it seems to be just the And in this context it would be
the tattoo itself or the deeper meaning. And I guess in this argument it would mean that the tattoos themselves are the important part.
It could be the idea of society's judgment on the placement of tattoo.
Hmm, yeah, you know, like.
And there is something to being able to cover that up, even if it did say kindness.
Like hey, we don't want you to be a nice here. This is a doctor's office.
Is a doctor's office. You can only get kindness or fuck the Jews on your back. You can't get it on your forehead. This is a doctor's office. We tattooed murderer on our head? Why is he an Irish guy from South East Dude? Because mud on a foot or popeye? I couldn't tell who you were doing with that one.
He's just some fucking Cretan. It's Irish Cretan who fucking does trans surgery on kids. Damn.
All right, let's watch this guy there. I'm gonna go skate.
No, you're not, Yes, I am, you're not. You're not going anywhere he's.
Come, dude, stop no, Like, let me ask you. Are you allowed to if he's holding If he's holding onto your handle and you back up and you drag him, you're in trouble for that, right.
M Probably yeah, I think the should you be in trouble for that? It's all about like as a proportional force, right, So like at the if you fuck him up pretty bad, you might be. But I think I think this dude should just man up, fucking punch this guy from his driver's seat kind of being a pussy by not the fact that this guy is reaching into his car. He's a huge fucking threat. He's a crazy boundary violation. I would fuck this old man up.
He's an old man, though. I think that's his thing. And that's what the kid's mother came out tweeting afterwards.
Yeah, that's some discipline on this kid. Then good for him, Good for I fuck this old man up.
Maybe he doesn't even care about the discipline whatever. He just wants to feel like he has good manners, which is how I feel.
Yeah, he's good manners. Not to fuck this old man out?
Should Yeah I would. I would. I would punch this old man in the chest. I'd push him first, and if he got up, I'd hit him in the chest and I'd say stay down, I'm backing up straight. If you move, I'm gonna run you over like.
That dislodgees pacemaker cathode. Dude.
Literally stop no, I call him the police, and you're not You're not leaving. Okay. So, yes, maybe he is a pussy. I'll agree with that. I think it's in Utah too.
Oh. He's probably probably one of those religious fellas.
Park City, Utah. And I think he's a rich guy, rich religious fella, millionaire cyclist. By the way, if you go cycling in the full suit, you're fucking gay.
Why is this real? Gay cycling shirts? Say sop, that's a car company. Uh, because they sponsor shit like that, they sponsor bike shit.
Dude.
That sounds like a breach of interests or something. I don't like that.
Jen and I were fucking getting all sauced up the other day and we were watching the Red Bull YouTube channel. Have you ever watched those?
Yeah, I've seen some of that shit where it's like parachuting and fucking flipping and stuff.
Or even just the when they build the flu dogs and fucking try and fly them off of the edge into the water. Yeah, shit's fun, it's bad. And that's Red Bull. That's an energy company.
Yeah. So it is monster Monsters and energy company and.
They sponsorship like this all the time.
I know, Yeah, that's so cool. Is a car company, Yeah, but these guys they give energy to humans, SOB gives energy to fucking automotons. You're not leaving? Got his fucking hands on me instead.
I won't leave because the police look at this dude, What are you doing.
You so I'm calling.
God hears you already.
Are you pushed into me? I asked you to wait. You didn't wait, he did. How did you get out of there? He's got a clear shot to him right in the stern.
I like this too. This kid has been like nothing but calm and just hey, you know, let's just be cool. I just want to go escape.
I've got a very aggressive teenager here that almost me in the car, and now he won't give me his last name, and.
Now he's trying to leave. I'm in Park City, near the park City Park, the skate park. He's in a Subaru in a yeah he's yeah, it was a license plate. This is the point when I go and drop kicking, get really kick his bike over, fucking stump on the run, bicycle kick his ass. I was watching fucking Fatalities the other day. Do they have like a kids mode that turns the blood green?
You can just choose it's I don't know if it's kid's mode or not, but you can choose the color of the blood.
Oh can you really? Okay? That's interesting? I yeah, because I was watching on YouTube and it was all green, and I didn't know if they were doing that for censoring reasons, And then I didn't know if there was a setting that makes sense that or something.
My god, you know, if you want to, if you want to like monetize it or whatever, just change it. Yeah, that's easy, that's fun.
Let's talk about your thing here, because I think the bo is really interesting.
The fuck is my thing? What the fuck? Do you happen?
Oh all right, now let's talk about your thing.
Here.
Video in the episode description, this is a graphic one, folks. Uh, this guy's gonna have fuck.
Uh.
This lady over across. This guy's looking through a telescope or I guess just across the street. I don't know. And watch this guy really pound away. Okay, all right, let me refocus here. Okay, just keep you keep looking down. I assume that you're weed.
No, I'm just drawing. I'm writing random words and I drew a circle with two lines. Why would you do that?
Just talk?
Because I gotta do something. What the fuck am I supposed to do? My fucking hands? All right?
Wat's this video?
So that's my boy.
Pumping away right now. See that's the thing. He's doing it in public, like view, I guess.
But it's like I feel like recording it is probably still not a good thing.
It's public space. Man, Guys like that kind of stuff. People do that all the time in New York.
Oh sure, but it's like, dude, you want to waste your fucking your hillobytes on this fucking guy.
Why he's gary, he's pounding pretty good.
Let him pound, But I'm not saying it's like the kind of pounding I want to see.
It might be the kind of pounding you want to say.
I don't know. I can't really see any melanin let's see, I won't put ups. I mean.
Jesus, all right, it was.
Dude, I assumed it was.
Yeah, I just like the fucking irishman watching see it is the type of video you want it? Yeah, yeah, oh it's two lads.
Well why didn't you tell me that at the beginning? I thought this was just gonna be some weird stuff where it's like, oh, this guy is fucking the girl.
Some faggy guys fucking some woman. Disgusting. No, show me the good stuff, show me the gimp.
All right.
Your topic was this, So should we say this for the patreon?
What the fuck? How long have we been talking so far? Uh?
Fifty four minutes?
Oh dude, Then we got to save it for the Patreon because this is a big thing. This is like, dude, this is the kind of thing that if you saw it in the past, you'd be like, this is the future. But this is something I saw now, So I'm saying this is the future.
All right, Then tell me a five minute story so we can give him a full out.
Okay, well, I've fucking been cutting down this tree and I'm worried that I might fucking break something. So I showed you before the show that I got all this trash in my yard that I'm like throwing out systematically but boxing up and you bagging up throwing shit out. And then I realized that this tree in my backyard is growing into the fence. It's like, okay, well I can't have.
That, so let me ask you, is it the root?
Yeah, it's growing up and like pushing the fence, all crooked and stuff. So I'm like, all right, well, let me go ahead and cut a ring around this tree and get the bark severed so that way it can't grow anymore. I mean, you got a ring around the bark like a circle. It's like a it's like cutting the corotida artery. It can't send any more nutrients up,
so it'll slowly die. And then I figured, Okay, I'll cut off these branches like bit by bit over the next few weeks, and eventually I'll just have this tree like this skinny little tree, and I'll take it down. But the more branches I take off, the more it fills up my backyard, and then the more I still have to take off, the more I'm realizing, like, you know, I don't think I'm gonna be able to cut this whole fucking tree down. I think he can die soon.
No, I think you can. I think you can. I saw that tree. That's not that bad.
Yeah yeah, yeah, it falls on me. What do I do? What's the protocol? You know, we got the insider view.
If it falls on you, how do I how do I dodge?
Oh?
You don't read. I read a eulogy for someone that happened to Yeah, yeah, no you don't, you don't, you just I don't know.
That tree was a branch that was like a living branch right that had like snapped because it got hit. It was like all those crazy occurrences.
I believe so. And it was so much. It was thicker than what I saw your trunk was, and it probably came down from like thirty or forty.
Feet to Jesus, Yeah yeah, So I'm just worried I'm going to climb up and then not be able to get back down. I'm going to climb up and to cut something to make it fall, you know, to make the thing shorter, and then home fall and hit me?
Does home depot rent out pole saws, pol e saws? Saws?
Maybe I have to check on that. Is that that long fuck er?
That it's a.
Chainsaw on a pole? Yeah? It exactly what it sounds like. It's a small chainsaw we have so unsafe. We have four of them that my mom just won't sell, like she's trying to, but she's doing everything else first before addressing that. And it's not a it's not a I don't want to do this because it hurts too much. It's a too much organized, I don't feel like doing it. I'll start on something else and just never get into it.
Now.
I don't think she's going to use thirty six or whatever it is chainsaws that we have jammed into a fucking utility shed.
Uh.
I never know what's kind like projects. She might get involved. Then she could start building stuff.
What have you been cutting? Okay? Maybe she's also just becoming an old lady.
What are you uh?
What are you currently cutting it down with?
I have like those those clippies, you know, like those those like snappies? Yeah you need yeah, Okay and I also have I also have a like a handsaw where it's like the it's like a really long sard saw. Yeah, it's not a carpenter saw, but it's like that. It's like collapsible. I got it in the garden department and it's got like a very like long tooth serrated blade. Yeah, like one of those. Yeah, one of those.
Yeah, that's fine. But a pole saw. You can go up high with it, kind a pole saw, and you can do it from the ground on depot rental. Yeah, two days fifty bucks.
Oh my god, dude, I'd rather just go hire some Mexicans and have them climb the fucking tree.
Oh four hours, forty eight dollars. Holy shed those numbers, I said.
I could get so many Mexicans for that rate. One at least.
Yeah, maybe one. You're gonna put mixed gas in it? You all right with that? I assume?
Nah, dude, I want one that burns coal.
Uh yeah, Man, get yourself a pole saw. It's crazy though. Per day it's seventy dollars. You can buy a shitty electric one, which is all you would really need, for probably one hundred bucks.
Okay, well, yeah, I'm gonna do that then.
And you don't buy one of those and return it when you're done with it, so you just don't like the way it cut.
That's a good idea too, But I was actually thinking buy all these different tools and then rent them out, and then you just pay for something.
You buy one hundred dollars tool and start renting it out for sixty dollars a day, you're ten dollars cheaper than fucking depot. And it's the same tool.
I just got to go and knock on all my neighbors doors.
Do you want to rent this? Would you like to rent this? It's a pulsaw.
It's the only one I got. But I'm planning to get more tools soon. Just be on the lookout, like you can come ask me and I'll make a list, like, oh, we need a plunger. Like I'll get a plunger. You can rent it, but you know, for now, we just got a pul saw.
Oh sure, Shane, you can go in the back and cut down some branches. I'll pay you some money for that. No, no, no, I just rent the saw to people.
You do all the work.
It's not a service. I'm not doing that. It's a rental service, not a tree service.
Just say hello, See.
I cleaned the bidet yesterday.
Oh, is there a shit and poop in there?
Wasn't It wasn't great. It wasn't great.
That's all a ship and poop that comes out when it sprays you down. Huh.
I bought these long gloves and I cleaned everything in the room. It was fucking great.
Did you do it nude? No?
Why would I do it nude?
I like to do that like either in my underwear or nude, because I feel like, if I'm going to be cleaning the bathtub and stuff, I'm gonna have to be kneeling down, sitting down and like to get in all the crevices and shit, and I don't want to get my clothes like wet and sticky. So I just fucking do it nude.
You don't have just like work clothes that you don't mind if like bleach gets on them or anything.
Yeah, I got work clothes, but I'm in the bathroom, dude. It's like the only place you can do the stuff.
Maybe go to your worst friend dot com. Follow us everywhere on Twitter and Instagram at Worstfriendcast, patreon dot com, slash Worst friend cast. We're gonna jump over there now and talk about Elon's Elon Musk's new robot project that I think we both found pretty interesting. And yeah, you got anything else more in bot the eb I don't think it's called the ebot.
Yeah, we can also talk about my new book.
What's your new book yet? In the new book you're reading?
Okay, no, no, no, I didn't get here yet. I ordered a new a new Oh you mean the new book I'm writing. That's why what you were talking about doing a rewrite on the Bible right now. But that's going to take a while to get visioed. But no, no, no, the new Neil Stevenson book comes out tomorrow, bitches. It's about an alternate history of Russia.
That's cool.
Yeah, it's pretty cool. We'll talk about it on the show for your.
Worst Friend I met.
I'm the star of the show. My name is Shane. Look up my internet present.
Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week. You know, all us all you know. I'm really going to miss your talk in the show's over.