Ep. 231 Bonus Time

Let me finish. This is the first time I committed a hate crime. Maybe they'll jerk my dick off or you know, like something like that. Yeah, probably we've disgusted. I'm associate Bath. You are rested my ship, any trash ship. You're worst friend. Do you want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking proms you hang around with. You're listen to your worst friend with Shane and Matt. I'm Matt. I'm joined today by my friend and co host Shane.

I'm Itchy.

I saw a friend yesterday. Guy, I hadn't seen it in a long time, and he asked me like, oh, how you doing, what's going on? Blah blah blah. And I didn't throw the podcast out right away because it's I'm not you know, we're not Joe Rogan, but I never At the end he yeah, I feel shame about this thing. At the end, he was like, oh, so, what are you doing? Blah blah blah, And I told him and I told him, you know, got nominated for an Avian Award. We've had on some really cool, interesting

He made it. He made it through that whole speech.

Yeah. I mean he looked at me like, oh fuck, this guy lost his mind in the ten years since I've seen him.

But you know, he's cool. He's got a whole spiel for me. He's trying to sell me knives.

Let me tell you, Jim is who the fuck is Jim?

Did you meet him at a bowling alley or something? No.

I worked at Best Buy with him. Jim is like like when some guys go to bed, they're like, oh, I hope I can wake up the Rock someday, you know, like just miraculously, whoa just freaky Friday happens. You're the Rock, and the Rock is some fucking loser somewhere. When I go to bed, I have dreams about waking up as Jim. Okay, I know, what you're thinking, this sounds gay.

Or hey, sounds really good.

That fuck's the thing, man, I fucking I don't know anything about Jim's fucking, but I can tell you this. Jim is one of the most handsome guys I've ever seen in my life. Good shape, athletic, whatever. Jim is the nicest guy I've ever met in my life. He's just friendly to everyone, helpful, understands what good customer services, blah blah blah.

Is he a scientologist?

No, I don't think he's religious at all. But anyway, Jim is probably listening and going, what the fuck? Uh? But Jim, you're good dude. I kept having to shoe him away. He was like picking up food. We were both picking up food at this place, and I was waiting. He just came in because I guess he had called in, and he would like put his food down. I'm like, you have a family, Like, get your food, let's walk towards the door. And he'd be talking to me and he'd put his fucking food down again.

Hey, hey, well he's just like stobbing at every booth, putting his food down at the old woman's table.

Yeah, pretty much. And it was very awkward because I was like, I don't want to be taking you away from your family, Like, what are you doing? Go ahead, come on check. I will stand and sit and do whatever and talk to someone for fucking eight hours. If you give it to me, people have to walk away from me.

Is Jim black?

No, Jim is not black. I said I want to wake up as Jim.

Well, and I know that's why I thought, like, I mean, you just said you want to wake up as him. You said he was smit, athletic, handsome, said he talks a lot. He kept on intruding on other people's meals. He didn't want to go off to his family.

That's a good it's a nice way to obtain them, man, is man? I see how the media does it so easily. Huh Oh, Jim kept stopping to talk. Must not have wanted to go home to his wife. Wonder if there's trouble at home? Hmm interesting?

Oh yeah, man, the media does anything just endlessly and write, you know, like husbands. You know, I learned how to be a bumbling husband from watching bumbling idiots be husbands on television and they were spot on because I'm just as fucking bumbling.

I'm not taking this political, but here is a political thing. I used to point this out to Blandrew years ago. I go conservative entertainment fucking.

Sucks, yeah, hair religious and values.

But not even that. Just even the the army tough guy want they suck too.

They're just not good, you know, Michael Bay Marathon. Yeah, I can only make it so far. I could make it to bad boys too, probably.

Well see, but they would even be exceptions. What they should have been doing years ago is dumping money into entertainment in this and that, because so much of that shit shapes culture. It really does. As much as I don't want to be the I don't blame entertainment for anything. Violent video games didn't make the Columbine kids shoot up the school to me at least, sure, But I do think things influence people, like I'm not denying. Yeah, yeah, so.

The art influences the society influences the art influences the s It's a give and take. You know.

People think art is just for like sissy's and homos and stuff, But you got to remember art is like the podcast you listen to, what sure architecture Yeah yeah, yeah, if you make if architects start making everything look like dicks. They're gonna transition your kids that much easier.

You know, bace ships look like Dick's.

They really do. They really engineers? Yeah, uh, you were talking about husbands. I watched a series on Apple the other day. Jen and I had a real hell of a weekend just up to ridiculous time. No, it's like getting to the point where it's like, hey, you're almost forty. You can't do this anymore. It's like a guy who wake up drunk every day. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, hey, I like that.

Hey yeah, I mean Saturday into Sunday. I went to bed at seven am on Sunday and woke up at three pm.

Yeah, that's fucking ridiculous.

What my wife, You can't do that with a family, right she does? Well, well, you got you, so that's fine.

Yeah, she's got a fucking butler to take care of everything. But that's me. But uh yeah, they yeah that shit. Dude. Maybe it's being a parent that does it to you, but yeah, I think it is. Actually because you got to wake up and take care of the fucking kids and send them off to school so you don't get a letter from CPS. Why isn't your kid in school because I teach them at.

Home and I give them his vaccines myself.

It's toilet water, but but it makes them strong, make his immunes to some healthy. But anyway, it was I saying, Oh, the whole raising kids makes you more responsible? It may it really like I can't even sleep past seven am if I want to, if it's my day off, I'm usually up by five. And if I sleep in, it's seven at the latest. And I go to bed early as shit, like no later than midnight usually. And I don't know what made it change, specifically, because I was

Oh how old is your kid at that point?

Probably like seven or eight maybe even no, maybe I was like almost thirty. Actually, maybe I was twenty nine or thirty, because you.

Gotta be more involved at that point, though, don't you.

Yeah, I think that might have been the catalyst. But for yeah, months or years even, I would work overnight all night, get off at like six or seven in the morning, get home, bring my son to school, come home, watch movies and TV and smoke weed all day and and all the time, Like, oh, I should probably go to sleep. I was probably to sleep, but I'm having a lot of fun.

That's what I do every night. Man, I go I should probably go to bed. I can just get up early like a normal human and do this same thing tomorrow. This feels like free time right now.

It does time so important to get that extra time. Yeah, dude, that was a big part of the motivating force, Like, oh, man, the wife's to sleep, the kids asleep, and I got six hours till the sun comes up and only three hours after that to work, you know, But I didn't care. I thought like, oh yeah, dude, I used to stay up all night watching movies. I watched the whole series of It's Always Sunny. I discovered all my favorite bands.

Yeah, yeah, well so are you?

No I sleep normal now.

You'll still eventually die.

No, because I cut back to three monsters a day.

Oh my mistake. Fucking I think kids pull you into a normal lifestyle, and I'm hoping they do for me, because I can't be a scumbag parent, I would feel too bad about that. I am great at self destruction. I am really really bad at letting you down.

Which is a good way for you to be a parent, so you can well, it will take a while for you to realize, but eventually you're going to figure out like, oh shit, no matter what I do for this kid, I'm always gonna feel like a scumbag. Hmmm.

No, I'll find a way to delude myself.

Okay, you find a way to lie to yourself, you know what. You will until they become a teenager, and then you're gonna be like, oh fuck, I'm starting to see what all the shit my dad was talking about?

Like what give me something?

Just like you know how, like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And I should have listened to my dad, And if I could go back and redo everything all over again, I would have never had kids, because kids make you remind They remind you of your own death, and they remind you that you're never going to live up to the expectations you set for yourself. Yeah, all the shit he was yelling at me when I was like, you know, thirteen fourteen in the car. Yeah,

Oh you haven't. You haven't directly said it to.

Him, right, Yeah, you could be listening right now.

Yeah, well tell them sign up for the Patreon. We fucking need the money. Not your money, not to the audience. We need Deonte's money.

My dad used to fucking like say. He used to always try and give me like words of wisdom, and it would always just come out horribly. For instance, when he found out that he wasn't my biological dad, his immediate advice for me was, oh, well, you know, you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, meaning I should go out and fuck other women and impregnate them so that way I could ensure that I had biological seed that was mine, because obviously my wife's a whore too.

I think your dad was probably just applying that to all women at that point though, to be fair, Oh yeah, just a broad assessment of broads.

Yeah. But I mean, now that I'm getting to be around a certain point in my life, I kind of see where he's.

Coming from Yeah, my dad never really gave me anything emotionally, and you know what it was. It was because he hated his dad so much, which is fucked how that kind of happens. He hated how his dad was cold and his dad was violent. Standard me as a dad, your standard beatings. Dude, I don't know. I'm actually good. I'm getta can always say that I'm getting to the point. No, I kind of have the I'm getting to the point where I'm like, am I too old? Am I getting

Baby? Kid?

Yeah? Six? Yeah, that was no offense. That's not a great decision to me.

Yeah, I mean whatever, he's gonna die and the girl will have to take care of the baby.

You're not related to that kid at all.

Huh. No, you know that's an interesting sort of familial relationship. I haven't met the kid yet. I'm gonna have to go say what's up and be like, hey, your dad says all women are horse.

What if your dad was like came to you and was like, oh, I got this bitch pregnant, and you were like, whoa, that's weird and it was your mom, and your mom.

Had a baby, corrected me, stuff put back in.

They ammed it back in with a reverse plunger.

Yeah, they didn't have to cut her open or anything. They just shot it up or pussy.

Do you ever see those Japanese ones where it's like a gun They stick it in a toilet and they click it and it goes and blows everything out the other end, of course. Yeah, but that's what they would do with your mother's fucking parts.

Oh that's cool that they kept them, I guess.

Yeah, they saved them for later. So anyway, that kid would technically be more of a your family line that you'd always thought you were than you are. Yeah, okay, I just wasn't sure. If I just wanted you to picture your mother getting impregnated by your dad quote unquote dad.

That'd be so cool, actually, because then it'd be like.

Oh, I'm good to have a new brother or sister who was forty No no, no, no, no, oh cool.

No, it would just it would it would make it so like, oh, my parents bally got back together.

It was my fault that.

Yeah, I honestly have no memories of them together that I'm certain of I think I might have one memory when did they split up? Baby? When I was like one?

Really?

Okay, yeah, yeah, so it's it's honestly, it's so fucking bizarre for me. I act, Oh, here's a fucking thought.

Keep that thought. But let me ask this was your dad as you know him, still your first male figure you had in your life?

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

I didn't know if your mom got remarried between like one and three or something like when your memories were starting.

A lot of guys I remember that. Well, she likes our clip every week, so we use this one. But uh, anyway, what were you asking me about my dad? Oh? No, he was uh? Oh fuck? Was I gonna say about this motherfucker? Uh shit? Something about when I was little? Oh my god? Oh I used to have no no shit, this is true. I used to have like upset thoughts in my head, like of like, oh my god, what if I walk in on my mom and dad fucking?

Like your assumption goes to the fucking murder me, because well, I'm just useless. They need to restart.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking, Like, Oh, they got it, They're gonna try again. Maybe maybe I'm the seed that sprouted their fucking angst and if they get rid of me, they can blossom anew.

My dad never gave me advice. At least you got advice at least if it was bad advice, sure, but you can then at least recognize it and be like, don't listen to anything. I never I When I was in eighth grade, my girlfriend was cutting herself right and it upset me. It made me really fucking sad. I was crying about it. One time.

I'd be mad about that, be like stop all that to yourself.

It was no, it was I was sad. Okay, it was a little pussy boy, and I remember I was like crying about. My dad was like, hey, what are you fucking crying about? And I was like, I'm just upset about this, and he goes, what is it? Oh, I tell her? I told him. I was like, oh, yeah, my girlfriend she cuts herself. He just looks at me. He goes, is she stupid? Why does she do that?

I mean, honestly, like that's pretty good answer. Like if you don't know anything about like what is that cut your self disorder?

They don't think that's the Yeah, clinical name bits with sad marks disorder. Let me explain my sadness. Like their Native American stripes on my fucking scarification.

Ye yeah, maybe that's like brand it's similar, but it's so Imagine a tattoo, but instead of a tattoo needle, they just use a literal surge and scalpel and they just cut the living fucking ship out of you.

And what is it to to uh score.

Like permanent disfigurement. Yeah, they cut a piece of artwork into your skin and it's illegal in the United States. You have to go to other countries to get it done. It's fucking disgusting. It's awful. It's gross. Uh, but you know your vote if you want to have those sad marks. I think that's what those sad marks were intended to be. But then the first girl to popularize it wasn't very artistic, so she's like, oh, I just drew these lines. It's just a straight line parallel line diagram.

I interviewed a girl and don't say this name, not that you'n't even know it, but I interviewed a girl for this upcoming season. And then you know, I have to pull all the promo shots and this and that and this isn't the one, but I don't know if you can see that there, And then some sad marks, oh, real sad, real sad on this girl. And then when you do the interview, you're like, oh, it's because your brain is fried.

Oh so was she sad first or fried first? I don't know this fucking fried because she was sad. Haiggs dick fucking walking around look say, oh look, oh boy. It looks like she was in one of the deleited scenes from Event Horizon.

It looks like she molested kids on Elm Street.

It looks like she escaped a saw trap.

Yeah, and now she's grateful for her life.

Get him back to the world now by doing fucking porn.

Yeah anyway, Yeah, that was like the kind of advice I get. Or when I bought Jen's engagement ring and I went to go show him and I put it on the I put it on, that was a time when he actually the only time I believe that he ever apologized, and that's because my mom called him out on it.

Oh really, what happened?

Well, I went to go show him the ring. I was proud. I was like, hey, you know, I'm going to propose to this girl. I love her, blah blah blah. And I go to put it on the island they have, like the granite island, and the dog jumps up and I like kind of push him down, not hard, not hurt him, just like I don't want them grab in this fucking engagement ring. I'm holding it. No, I push him down. I go, oh, come on, My dad goes, don't talk that way to the dog. Don't ever talk

I'm not now.

Yeah, I just kind of closed in and I was like, all right, oh no I did. I did tell him. I was like, yeah, I got genis ring. I was like, all right, is it a good one? Is it nice? I was like, yeah, it's nice. It's once she would want. He's like, okay, all right, that's good. Good job, And then he walked away, and I remember my mom called him out. She was like, that was you may not realize you did that, but that hurt him a lot

Well, I mean it's hard to be I mean it's for a guy who got the ship beat out of him every day. Yeah, it's hard to go much further than where he was at.

Maybe a guy you've got the shit beat out of him as a kid, plus no attention because there were twelve kids, so the only attention he got was negative attention, you know.

And that's why I asked you what kind of dad you're going to be, because that's that's a dilemma. That you're going to face. It's like inevitably you're going to have aspirations and ideas like, well, I might not be perfect, but I'm going to try and do this, and I'll never ever do this under any circumstances like and then you're going to find as time goes on, you are going to fall very short of every like goal you

If your life is going phenomenal better than you could have ever imagined, you should still see a shrink probably like four times a year.

Yeah, just for a checkup. You know. It's just like getting a physical sure and you're heading cough and that's like that. Really, I think the only way you can avoid the pitfalls that I'm trying to bestow before you, it's like without constantly seeking intervention. And I don't mean like checking every decision to make sure you're doing it right. I mean without like every once in a while, having a real person who can give actual advice to say,

Of theresty it you meant it in a TP somewhere.

No, we talked on zoom, you know, Larra jacking off together.

I was picturing Native American your medicine doctor.

Oh oh no, no, just adderall. Not enough fucking psilocybin or peyote.

Yeah, take some peyote. Here, eat this, See a wolf in the sky.

Yeah. But my point is, like you're you're going to see that you're going to be a lot different than your dad as a parent. But there's gonna be some things that you just you don't know how to do because you didn't have a guy to teach you how to do them in a good way. Here I'm a great example of that.

Here's the only difference. Okay, it's a huge difference. You had Deontay when you were howled.

Twenty two early, Yeah, twenty twenty two earliest.

I'll probably have a kid. He's thirty eight years old. There is a huge amount of wisdom in those sixteen years.

Appso fuso lutely, and I'm not discounting that at all.

No, I agree.

Yeah, but the thing you can't account for is your behavior in the moment. So much of the things that, like our interactions between parents are like impulsive decisions, you know. I mean, have you ever had a baby overnight at your house? Like screaming and crying and shit?

Just one I got at the park one time.

Right, you fucking sold that quick as you found it?

Huh. I yded them into a dumpster. Here you go where you belong?

Ye again?

No, no, no, I haven't. No I have had yeah.

No, no, yeah, I'm so you will probably be much more equipped than I was. But like, that's why I said it's inevitable, because there's just going to be things that eventually, like I said before a million times, having a baby fucking rules. They don't. People who tell you it's hard to have a baby are lying. Having a baby is easy unless your baby has some fucking weird disease that makes them look funny.

Oh man, they've been hitting me with this. Saint Jude's commercial with nothing but cripples and weirdos we talk about grosses me out every fucking time.

Oh dude, anytime I see a kid with no eyebrows, I'm like, get it the fuck out of here, please.

Uh oh boy, the juice. Now, maybe it's not Saint Jews. Maybe it's like Shriners or something. Uh sorry, go ahead, you you you no?

But uh yeah, Inevitably you will reach a point where like so for me, like I thought it was gonna be hard having a baby, but then I was pleasantly surprised. Oh no, having a baby rules. This parenting shit is easy. You can fucking just leave them for hours at a time and not have to worry about anything. You know, they just sleep and then when they wake up, you smell them before they make a sound.

When did it catch up to you? How old, oh man?

Probably ten nine or ten. Yeah, it takes a long time. It took a long time for me to realize, like, oh shit, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I thought I was good for like almost a decade, and then it slowly sunk in, like, oh fuck, I'm a lot more like I have my dad than I thought, and I have no clue what I'm fucking doing.

See, I've based so much of my life around the weaknesses of my dad are my strengths. I don't have that impulse thing. I really have worked hard on not putting my fists through fucking thin wood around the house, you know, walls and fucking doors and such, and I really don't have that anymore. I'm able to think quickly in the moment, but I try not to open my mouth until I have, you know, put the thought into something.

Which is a drawer.

You know what I get that? You know what I get that more than you would imagine you do.

Because my kid pissed an event.

I have never told anybody this before. Okay, oh boy, literally never uh oh. My brother and I were younger, Uh, separate rooms and everything.

We go together.

I had like two or three soda bottles I got caught that I pissed in, right.

Uh huh yeah, Okay, you're a gaming or something.

But here's the sad No, here's here's the sad part. Uh, here's the sad part. So yeah, that's gross. It's like, oh, you're a bad kier gross, sure, but uh, here's the sad part. My dad would get up so early, and we would be up so late that if you would go downstairs to piss. You know, this is in you know, middle school or something. If you would go downstairs to piss or something in the middle of the night, you would get like, why are you still up? What are you?

Oh yeah. The habit started young. Yeah, so it was.

It was and I talked to my brother about it. It was strictly like we don't want to get in trouble thing.

And then it was you watched each other piss in the bottle.

No no, no, no, no. No. One time they were doing something in the like crawl space or whatever, and they found it and we got in trouble for that.

Oh boy.

So I've never told Jim that story. I've never told anyone that.

Did you did you tell them like your parents like, but we just didn't want to wake you up?

No either, wasn't Dad you didn't talk back at all. No, no, no, not to my dad, No, not at all, not until fucking my twenties.

I think that just speaks to the weakness and spinelessness of my dad, because I fucking talked to my like. Maybe I was just a really bad kid, I'm I. I think it's a mix of both. But yeah, I was just a fucking little bastard, dude. I used to tell my parents I hate at them. I used to scream at them. I was a horrible fucking kid. Just completely different.

Yeah I was. I was a good kid, and I would do all bad shit, but I would never get caught. My brother would get caught with everything. My brother had the younger brother syndrome where they cannot get away with anything. They get caught with everything they try and do. And either my.

Kid, I'm glad he's I feel like I'm his older brother a lot of times because I'm I'm just like I mean, I wish I could be more like a dad. This is one of the things I talked to my therapist about, and I'm trying to be more of that

You know. See, I can't figure it out with you as the older brother. I think what it is is the younger brother never wants to take the steps it requires to get away with scumbaggery. They want to kind of they just saw the end result and they're like, oh, let me get to that, and it's like no, no, no, no. There was a delicate process in your scumbaggery.

I had to get I had to, yeah, And I think I learned that as a teen So I feel like I was your younger in my young years. Yeah. And then as a teenager, I really learned to be sneaky and crafty. I started to get better grades and just kind of just I got a job and I just kind of took on an air of responsibility because I kind of realized, like, oh, that'll keep people off my fucking back, you know. So I feel like I developed more of that like cautious mindset as I got older.

Yeah, well, yeah, I don't know.

Because your brother never really lost that impulsivity, right, I mean he was kind of just like the same the whole time.

Yeah, well, he drank before I did, remember I named duntil I was twenty one. I had got busted blacked out at the you know, the big name circle. You know how dangerous those circles in Jersey are. That happened before we met, right, No, I was seventeen. I think he was thirteen, Okay, so I was already known. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Hearing about it, but I don't remember like living through it.

And he was hanging out with like fucking college kids and they got him all drunk and he had alcohol poisoning in the middle of like this busy fucking road. He passed out in the middle of the circle. So not in the middle of the road, but you.

Know, shitty college kids.

Yeah, yeah, really to like get a twelve thirteen year old kid drunk. He must he must have been twelve because he was not in high school yet.

Yeah, that's weird, dude, I always. I mean, maybe it's just how much standards have changed. But like American Pie and Porky's and shit, it was like they committed so many crimes as a joke, you know, like sexual assault and providing alcohol to children and stuff. Yeah, real fun stuff.

It's just like a racism.

Racism, Yeah, just for fun. It just seems like, yeah, culturally, norms have shifted. But I feel like, as people, I think we kind of shifted too. I think that's a little like one thing I do kind of notice is like it's just a little a little bit different now, And that's just I think how culture changes. But maybe I'm a fucking old man and I'm just sounding exactly like my dad. It's dad.

Do you think your dad would fuck a check like this? Uh?

I don't know.

Maybe do you want to know her opinions about things?

I as long as she speaks them with her mouth and not her fart hoole.

You mean, like ace Ventura bend over and talk out of her asshole. Do you remember when fucking Jack Nicholson did that.

Jack Nicholson talked out of his ass No, I don't remember that. Why do that?

Because he was at the Oscars or something? Uh, Jack Nicholson, Who am I thinking? Jim Carrey, No, I'll just do Ace Ventura asshole talking, asshole talking. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's that?

Maybe it was a golden Golden globes this event.

No, it's nice.

Doesn't just skip to the part with the asshole showing on Let's see you try to show you.

I want to thank my fellow nominees.

No.

Yeah, Jack Nicholson's talking out of his asshole.

Dude, he is so fucking coked out of his mind in this clip.

He's so cool. Is he Does he have a plastic bag around this hand?

I think he does because he just touched his asshole.

No, but yeah, I know, I know. Why is he holding the golden globe with a plastic bag?

Because they were like, look, if you're going to touch your asshole on.

Statue, Yeah, we only have one statue. May come after the show. Yeah, fucking Dame Judy Dench doesn't want Jack Nicholson's asshole. Heored statue.

Okay, we ran it by all the other performers. Judy Densher is the only one, so everyone.

Else was okay with it. Judy Densch was like, absolutely not.

I won't have his shit on my hand.

He's fucking bum rubbed all over the award.

Was that Swedish? Judy Dench is Swedish.

Now, all right, let me play this lady for you. She popped up. I'm not making this political because we'll rip a lot of people on this, but this.

One looks like a crossing guard.

This one was especially bad. Child free threatens the patriarch. We don't need no man. We can do everything he can't. I'm a bull lit. Taylor's on my side. I'm a bull list Maga starts to cry, I'm a bull live and Taylor's on my side, Yes she is. I'm a bull lift anyway.

You know how like sometimes you're like, uh, oh man, if you just uh put ten percent more time into doing funny video shit and this and that, oh you're the blah blah blah blah blah. That's the reason I don't you scare.

That's the end result.

Every time I make something and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm really proud of this. I give it a day and I come back and it always looks just like that. How did I get that?

You're right? I've made this video one hundred times. You're one hundred percent right. Yep. Uh. Yeah. That was just a really bad song. I don't like that, but it touched on some mix. That's kind of the talk going around, and it kind of relates to what we just talked about.

Though.

I know the end result of this is going to be I don't give a shit what you do with your life. You and I both kind of feel that way. I think about a lot of shit.

I don't care. I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying that if that's what you want to do with your life, that's an option.

Have you seen the debate between childless people and people with families?

Oh? What is it? All the people with families? They please get do the get out thing with me?

No, no, no no. Jd Vance caught shit for this the new the Vice Presidential.

I finally figured it out. What that is. It's a memoir, yeah, and a film by Ron Howard. Yes, correct, written by the soon to be vice president.

I don't know the poll numbers are closing.

In man, what does that mean? They're like they're they're co down hard.

Well, Trump was up x amount over Biden, and those numbers have closed since.

Harris, like they've become nearer. I see.

Okay, all right. I don't know why we got to talk like we're retarded guys close or like doing fucking robots on some futuristic ship.

Dude, I don't talk politic, you know, Like, okay, alright, That's why I don't make YouTube videos either, because it all comes out sounding like fucking lib lib maga nonsense.

You know. So you know when someone throws an idea out that you immediately identify like this is stupid. It is a stupid fucking idea like plates. But then okay, but then hands. What we need to be doing is stretching and flattening out our left or are non dominant hands, and that way that will act as after it has been stretched and flattened, we can curve it into a bowl. We can have it as just a flat plate.

I don't know about that. Soup would be hard to eat out of a hand bowl.

Not if we stretch and flatten it and then curl, it'll be enormous at that point.

Oh not if we just bind our hands and those foot binders from ancient China, you know, the ones that they used for housewives up until like the nineteen forties to bind their feet into little baby's feet up. But they adn't. I don't want to make them into bowls.

I would rather stretch fingers and such and then flatten. We need to stretch first and then flat. Hey, you know what, this isn't gonna happen.

Uh.

The idea, like I was saying, where you immediately go, this is a stupid idea, and then you you think about it and you go, well, there is a logic to it, right. Jd Vance came out this week and said families should get a vote for each child that the parent can designate. Now again, on the surface, I go immediately, first, Paul pause. First thought is that's fucking stupid.

And then the next dumb And what if they vote for reptar.

Reptile reptile gotta get the reptar?

Like what if all the kids like start a TikTok and.

Their parents would vote repti.

And then they convinced their parents like please please, please love a repti, and then the electorals swung to reptar and then they have to create this fake dinosaur from a cartoon. Who's gonna Who's ai are they going to use? In that? They're just gonna use Tyrannosaurus rex ai. What does that even look like?

Leftover Jurassic Park footage?

Right?

Uh?

No, training President on Jurassic Park verse three. Not those Chris Pratt pieces of shit.

The first one was okay, the first christ okay.

The second one was a fucking weird movie. Yeah, David Cronenberg movie.

Yeah it was terrible. Then yeah they were terrible. No. Again, the logic behind it is, you know, we always talk about the shape of the country and for our children and this and that, you know, families should have more say based on the number of people that will be citizens.

So that's how I know you're not a parent, because any real parent knows what a disingenuous, fucking lotus shit that is. If you want your kid voting and deciding anything about the future, you're fucking liar. You're a fucking piece of shit and a liar. And you know that your kid wants exactly the opposite of the things that you want. So if you had the kid's vote to use it, you would be voting against what they wanted,

Citizens.

Yeah, but one of those citizens has a view that is diametrically opposed to you. They want something different, So it's not actually their vote. It's a second vote for somebody else's. It's a second chance to do but create a future that other people don't want.

We take proxy away from children all the time.

Or.

Rights, But that's that's a right that's granted to you when you become an adult, when you become a member of society. There's a bunch of other rights that aren't granted to you when you're a child.

Either, all agree this is a stupid idea.

Yeah, this guy ship could fucking resign because he's an idiot.

I don't know why he has to resign for that. I don't even know and resign. You wanted to talk about Kamala Harris dancing.

I believe, Oh yeah, dude, what is she gonna do? Dance our way through every war?

You've seen this ship, folks, Let me play this video. This is a compilation of her dancing.

Popping her those pink pants.

It was that was the one you didn't like, right, especially.

I actually liked that one a lot.

This makes it look like she's got such a fupa, though I understand it's just she's sixty.

Yeah, six year old bitch has got a fupa.

No, not all of them.

Oh dude. If they're good at fucking, they do.

I don't think the dancing's fair.

What do you mean you think she's cheating?

No, I think she's half Bollywood, half Harlem, Like, obviously she's gonna be the best dancer. We shouldn't mean this is a dance competition. Trump does that thing where he's jerking the dicks off.

According to Marr, I love his jerk dance. I think I I think I said that before Bill. We're gonna have to check the logs on patreon dot com slash worst friend cast. But either way, I do think she's good at dancing. But I think, just solely based on this compilation alone, she's getting mighty close to overdoing it. She's like already tearing on the line and they haven't even won the fucking election yet. Who's that guy? Where's her husband? I thought her husband's quite.

No he is, No, that's her husband.

I think, how is she a part of all these dance What does that called them?

How many events has she been at where there's just mass dancing?

What is that called a flash mob? It looks like it looks like she's a flash mob coordinator. If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't know she was a politician. Jujit just choreographed flash mobs.

There's two different versions of flash mobs. There's the ones where it all breaks out into a dance, and then there's the one where wah wah gets destroyed and burned to the ground.

There's one that might end in your life. That's a little bit of a Bollywood move. I guess you're right, Yeah.

Yeah, she's half Bollywood, half Harlem.

Oh dude, the Republicans can't win. Huh. They were mad about JD. Vance's wife for being Indian, and they got the vice president now soon to be president. On the other side, what are they gonna do? Either way? They got a fucking Indian winning, anna do?

We don't know?

Ray says, either way, you're stuck with a fucking Indian.

What's the meme I've been seeing going around? It says a uh libs justifying voting for a cop, and then it says conservative or uh yeah, conservatives justifying voting for a felon, And it's just it's funny, true, is No.

It is funny because I agree, like it is super ironic that Kamala locked up like how many black people. But at the same time, she is a good dancer, so maybe a fair point people up and you know, like, you know, not looking out for the community that she claims to have been a part of and struggled with, maybe you know, actually harming them systematically systemically through her

Well, we watched that guy. A couple of weeks ago, who's running for shit? Uh? He had the theory that, like, hey, we don't need war anymore, I'll fucking throw down with any world leader.

Oh I love that idea. I think that's so fucking cool. Dude. I would love to watch Putin fight Kim Jong un, but they're friends.

Yeah, yeah, it's uh, you know, with Kamala we could win dance offs, but then I feel like, you.

Know, she'd lose fucking punch offfs though well.

And eventually the Congo would just be running the world if everything came down to dance offs, Like I don't know, well, I.

Mean the Greeks were onto something they used to have, like ten day fuck fests.

Yeah, then weren't they fucking boys in the ass? Generally?

No, not always so it was. It was sometimes though, right, it was more nuanced than that.

Bad enough, There you go.

They were also supposed to mentor the boy after fucking them in, before fucking.

Groom them more.

Glad to be a man and not suree like sheer sheep or or so cock fabric. Yeah, suck cock is a fucking cocksucker boy in the market cooksucker boy.

That was my nickname.

Yeah, cocksucker ball Aye.

That was my nickname at my job. They would call me that in the office. Uh what do I got here?

Uh?

You talked about entertainment. Touch on this super quick, so uh, Marvel has been dying a slow down now.

Again, I didn't even think of the last Marvel thing I saw.

I'm not trying to turn this into fucking you know, Hi, I'm Tucker Carls. I'm look at my this on that.

But look at you.

Look at the movies that did bomb, the Marvels Eternals blah blah blah, all that bullshit. Those movies kind of stunk. The shang Chi one a all stunk.

I like the shang Chi one. That one was good because the guy was Ajan.

Okay, well that's the ultimate.

Yeah, that's the way the guy talks though. That guy he's in every movie and it's like he always plays American characters, but he's got that little bit of accent where he's like, yeah, I'm called Rean Saul, and it's like, uh uh no.

He'll be starring this fall in a Reginald Denny biopic.

Reginald Denny, is that a victim of something?

That was the guy that got dragged out of his truck in the La Riots. Oh remember.

Oh yeah, well he had a comment man for driving through that neighborhood when they were riding.

He won't uh, that Asian gentlemen you were talking about, won't be playing Reginald Denny, obviously, that'll be played by.

A black act. He'll be playing the guy with the shot.

An AAR fifteen ye convenience story.

Yeah yeah, that one thing is property.

That the AR fifteen's were fucking Apparently that is like the biggest use case of them ever being applied to like real world things in like a mass scale.

All those in Vietnam wear fifteens, not sixteens. Yeah there again, I said before, they're the same gun, except one doesn't shoot the auto.

Sure sure, sure, but that that was if you go back, all those Korean store owners own those guns. There were some footage we were watching. Were these guys were just popping.

Shots off in this were the weapons legal?

I don't know, I'd be interested.

To know that. And it's like if, because I mean, I'm assuming all these fucking Asian guys weren't.

Yeah, good point. Yeah, unless California was handing out guns to illegals.

No, that's a bad stereotype a lot and I and I'm I think it's a bad stereotype to say any particular group specifically just comes here illegally. I've been learning a lot about border crises lately, and it seems like the problem with our immigration is definitely just laws not being passed and nothing to do with influxes of migrants or walls or people jumping fences or anything like that.

But that's like, that's like the argument with gun owners, like make them illegal. Yes, you're you're saying we take it from five thousand down to a thousand. Yeah, but that's just four thousand who go ten miles down the road and cross.

That's that's not the reality though. I Mean, there's a there's a set number of asylum seekers per day, and that's a cap, and usually it doesn't hit that cap. Some days it exceeds that cap, and that's why they set the cap. It's supposed to be like an average, you know. And this is asylum seekers. This is people who you know, we talked about this before they come up to the border. They are actually worthy of asylum

Know, So why can't we do both? Why can't we reform that system and build that wall to keep out people who might be coming the ones who go ahead, I.

Mean, because because then you're just wasting money on a mite, you know, like you're just you're just kissing. But but that's the thing is, the reality is the overwhelming majority of undocumented or illegal immigrants are asylum seekers, not people jumping fences, not people running from border patrol or you know, getting smuggled in in box cars or crates. The overwhelming majority of undocumented folks are people who just walked up to the border and asked to come in, and they

I would I am not questioning you. I don't believe that's true. I don't believe more hit the thing. I would want to see where that comes from. And also, there's no way to even account for how many people are crossing illegally. There's estimates.

I mean there are estimates, and.

I mean based on what they're not surveilling the entire border for X amount of days and calculating whatever.

Right, But eventually these people, if they do get in and they didn't seek asylum and give their information, eventually they are found out because they're spending money, they're trying to get jobs, their kids are going to school. Eventually they pop up somewhere, and that these numbers, these discrepancies, statistics are how they help determine how many people are coming in being the means I said, versus other tunnels and shit like that. I'm not saying these things don't exist.

I think the real issue is defining what an asylum seeker is.

And my question with anybody who walks up to the border and says, oh, I'm living through humanitarian crisis or whatever, and the government doesn't ask any questions. So I'm being critical of this, like not because I don't want immigrants here, but just because I think it's a stupid law to have, especially if you want to be critical about the state of immigration. You know what I'm saying. It's an arbitrary number. What is five thousand? You know, Like it doesn't come into account real.

But maybe it does. Maybe it takes into account economic stuff what we.

Can cover than that, But it doesn't because it doesn't take into account like, Okay, what if there is a disaster, what if there is a volcano or a flood or whatever.

People immediately that's a versus like the same thing as the wall. I mean, it's the same what if.

Right legislation is a lot easier to finance than bricks and mortar, what like, it makes sense to have a plan in action for when these people get here. It doesn't really make sense to just piss money away for a wall when we don't have evidence to support that large droves of people are coming in via illegal border crossings. That that's the point.

There's been a lot of recent documentaries on the border stuff. Again I would, I would.

It's very total though. That's the thing is, like you can see as many stories as you want, but you have to look at the data. Well, no, but that's data.

That's who they're talking to. They're talking to the border patrol. I mean, the border patrol says this is a problem. You know, the border patrol says they are overwhelmed and cannot process it. And cannot they say a lot of illegal people are crossing every day.

So I heard what you said about them being overwhelmed and they can't process it. So does that automatically So you're saying that just automatically leads to them coming in illegally.

I just don't. Yeah, I don't think your theory on them coming back day after day, I don't think that. I mean, it holds non majority of them.

Okay, I see. That's that's the thing, is the data disagrees with that. I mean, we can look it up more. Maybe we'll do that on a Patreon where we look it up, but either way.

It's more like next week Patreon. That's like gathering data.

Sorry, my point still stands that if you're probably so so again, like well, I don't know why, Like I'm not trying to come at you, but it's like, I don't know why you're trying to like fight this this point here, because it's like there is a measurable metric. It's immediately measurable. Okay. If we're having a problem with undocumented people in the country, we just we just put legislation in place right now, fuck it, we just stop letting people seek asylum, you know, and then we see

I'm not coming at you, but if I told you vaccines do this, this, and this and that and bleak into the brain. Wouldn't you want to know my sources?

Of course?

So everything I've looked into and read about this and seen interviews with people at the border and this and that different high ranking border patrol people contradicts what you're saying. So the reason I'm coming at it is because the evidence I have gathered in my own head completely contradicts what you were saying. So yes, I would question it. And again, if you got that from uh open Opentheborders dot Org, I'd be like, yeah, to me, that's less credible.

Well, I mean, I'm not even quoting number. I'm just I'm I just I'm telling you what the the patterns are and the trends and what the the proportions are. It's the same. Like, I mean, didn't you even say like, yeah, most drugs come in legally, right? No, I never said that you did you did? So did you look that up or do you just because I mean I.

Never said I never said that. Oh I didn't look at I never said that the DEA.

I watched an interview with a guy from the d A. I think the fucking ATF or whatever. Now the U sounds like it makes sense, Uh No, it was, but it was multiple heads of things that have I remember here.

Probably the ATF because they trafficked guns with drugs a lot of the time.

Maybe yeah, like that. But I watched that Wired series, you know, where they talked to like retired professionals, and I remember hearing the same thing quoted over and over in a lot of like drug videos and gun videos and all and all these different experts would always mention, how, yeah, most ship that gets here illegally or that is illegal here gets here legally, just like ship from China. Right, Like the postal service is so inundated with packages, they

Yeah, but it's not legal once you start moving illegal stuff.

Right, I understand. But the post office is a legal it's the it's the legal service, it's a government service.

You're using it illegally.

You are using it illegally, yes, exactly, what's even the point? Just just like people who in some people's eyes, would be coming to our border and using our you know, I guess no, it would be just they would just be using it illegally, using the border policy illegally. Hey, I want to seek asylum. I got it's real bad where I'm from. Okay, we can't ask any questions, and then you wait for your court date. You're you're essentially

I just think, uh, I think all of South America at this point could probably claim refugee status.

Right at a rate of five thousand people per day, exactly.

Yeah, until bodies are stacking up outside of the front gate, then there's argument we need to get it up to ten thousand a day. Look at the human devastation out there, you know that happens, Okay, and then even at ten thousand, bodies are still stacking sure, opens Okay, that's great. Then Syria floods in because they're in a war zone as well.

God, so, so you're you're you're painting the picture in one way, but it could be the other way just as well, where people are starving and dying on the outside and we're just not letting them in for any good reason because we have this big giant wall, you know, or we don't even need the wall. We could just be gunning them down right at the border with fucking helicopters. We were the United States, We have the best fucking firepower.

Like that's well, or just not to kill people, it's to protect our borders.

To protect our border yees. So we're just gonna gun them down before they can get within a mile of it.

No reason, because we can build the wall real high.

No, we want to keep the driveway to the wall. Nice. Oh okay, But that's the point is like, we can what if all day, but we have data, we can make legislation to do something about it. But nobody is doing anything about the border, and both sides seem to bitch about it. I hear Biden bitching all the time about shit at the border. Oh we got at the border, and it's like, oh, dude, I thought you were all

Well that's because most Americans.

Don't want it. So then why don't they do something? Why don't they make some legislation.

Well they're trying to vote for someone. But Trump told me he'd start the fucking border wall on day one. It never got finished. Biden said he was going to reform the system. It never got done. Obama one of his big things was a strong border is very important, and then we opened him up more. You're right, you're not wrong.

It is just a talking about the wall. It's gonna help, you know. That's but data shows that everything we have been doing does not help. Right, exactly exactly, Try something new, right, But that doesn't mean build a wall.

It could mean that. It doesn't not mean that.

I mean a wall that people can just climb over or climb under, dig under, like really it's big enough.

Man, both ways, I don't know. I'm not advocating for the wall, but you put me in a position saying a wall doesn't work. I bet you I could build a wall big enough you can't climb over it.

I mean, I'm sure you could, but I'm I'm willing to bet it would cost way more than the American taxpayer would want to pay for, especially considering most people aren't even trying to go that way. They'll just walk up. I mean, fine, build the wall and leave the leave the the cap at five thousand per day, and we'll see how the immigration numbers change. And then and then what do we do when it changes by three percent? Okay, maybe we should change this fucking asylum nonsense.

Are you saying, oh goodness, someone should do something about the government wasting money.

Uh?

No, I'm saying if we build the wall, and if it only changed the.

Wall, I'm saying we should waste it all on the wall.

No, but that's my question. I mean, if we're getting outraged about the government wasting money, I got fucking binders full of shit for you, Like, I mean, we can't just put our foot down on this one. Let's carry that through to everything so.

They don't spend money on anything anymore.

I don't know. Sounds like you want smaller government.

I mean that's I mean, it sounds.

Like as far as a wall building, you want me.

To say that. No, I want a government that takes action based on data and reason, and that is reasoned, you know, like it's informed. It doesn't. A wall is an impulsive like just a blurt out of It's a Freudian slip. Do you think when Donald Trump said we'll build a wall, he had any good reason to build a wall other than walls are tall walls.

Walls have traditionally been used throughout history to keep people in or out of things.

Sure, but this I mean, this is the twenty first century. We have drones that can carry people. We have excavators that can be purchased at home depot. We have fucking speedboats that can go from Tijuana to San Diego in thirty minutes. I don't know why a wall. If you think that they're nefariously sneaking in, I don't know why a wall would stop them.

Again, just something different to try. Again.

I'm not advocating for this, I'm okay, I just but it's just like every time you say something to try, it sounds like you are. So that's why I don't know.

No, because I don't because I don't believe the data you were told. I don't believe those are correct numbers. Okay, And I also the again that's not on.

You, and I don't want to look it up right now. I mean we can, but I just feel like range the time it is.

But there's also the other aspect of it is I think you're discounting a lot of human psychology, especially from people in Again, I don't think they're lining up. I think yes, a majority of them will. I mean, you you have you read this stuff about how cartels now are moving their operations from drug to just human trafficking getting people over the order I have it packages, which is I guess you just don't get raped as much.

And on the way of the United States. I just want to saw a graph the other day. It had like all the spots. One was a world map where it had in red all the places where the most people are trafficked from. So you had like Thailand, India, China, all over Africa, south of fucking the whole world as people being trafficked from there. And yeah, who's the biggest importer of people? The United States? That was the next graph. The next graph shows you the where the most slaves

So I'm assuming I'd be like, cut me a clip, make make me funny in this one.

Yeah, put me in this one. I want to wear the pig mask.

I can to work miracles massa and I'd be like, just make me kind of funny. I ain't no saying or nothing that might.

Be fun to do for the show. We get a dark web connection and we see how much a slave goes for.

I guess okay, I don't want to get into like who the better slaves are and who they aren't, so I we'll just.

Regions. It's a good one, I bet anyway, gheit him there?

You know how? You know how we got there? Do you know how we got to where we are right now?

Oh?

But Robert Downey is coming back to the Marvel universe. Oh no, I don't know how we fucking got there. No, he's coming back as Doctor Doom.

Doctor Doom.

Do you have the fucking fucking money they must have given him to come back?

I mean it seems like there he's begging to come back at this point, like I thought he left and now he's back as a different guy.

Now they must have paid him so much, fucking probably fifty million bits and probably five percent of worldwide gross.

So wait a minute. They asked him to come back and play a different character and a different property that's not even connected to the Marvel movies yet but not yet like through the through the movies, right, yeah, Okay, so they're asking him basically to come back and helm a new Marvel cinematic universe is what it sounds like.

Is there anyone better equipped to do it?

I mean, I can't say I agree, Yeah, there's no one. No. I was gonna say maybe cap Chris Evans, but no, you're right. Tony Stark was the leader. He's the guy. But I think this is a bad idea. I think Disney is so desperate to revitalize this thing that should probably die that they were like, oh, well, Bill fucking They'll do anything for Robert. They'll fucking pay a million times in a row, and I think I might pay one more. And if it's a piece of shit, all right, dude,

Some guys go to bed at night thinking to themselves, I hope I wake up tomorrow as Robert Downey Junior. Me, I hope I just wake up as Jim Fuck that.

I gotta be Chris Evans.

You got a who'd you rather fuck this week?

Chris Evans or Robert Downey Jr.

How about we go Bollywood smash hit jd Vance's wife Kamala Harris.

Okay, so jd Vance's wife or Kamala Harris. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hmm, I'm gonna take Kamala just because it's a black and a Indian at the same time. It's kind of like you're having a three way.

Yeah, I'm dead solid.

It's like you're fucking the Princess and the frog bitch and Jasmine. Don't do your.

Worst friend dot com follows everywhere black princesses on Twitter. They made a big deal about that, right, the Princess and the Frog one was the first black Disney princess.

The first and only who didn't do well with the demo?

Who was the first princess of color?

Oh? Dude, fucking Pocahontas.

I think, man, well, did Pokehontas come out after a lot of Jasmine?

Jasmine? Jazzmine was yeah, no, Ariel because she was a fish.

Ugh agree, fucking pussy stunk. I bet you had aca.

Yeah, you know, they never showed her pussy in that cartoon, but I bet it was all fucking like it had gill slits and ship and it was like it was like, you know, how uh, when you see a fish breathe, it's gills, like do that flappy thing? It almost looks like wings, like they feel like this. Yeah, yeah, I imagine her pussy lip's doing that like a whole versus his mouth.

You're your worst friend.

I'm Matt, I'm Shane. We'll see you next week. Don't force my mouth.

You know, all of us all crudo. You know, I'm really gonna miss you guys when.

The show's over.

H